[Warning: the tone of this makes me want to DIE. I was in a very lame place voice-wise at this point in my intellectual development.]
"I can't express to you effectively what yesterday [the day I gave my first ever conference paper] or what this weekend has been -
I know I'm on the right path intellectually but I don't know how to reconcile it w/sex. I wonder if I'll ever actually get to have sex (again). I hate First Love. I never want to talk to him but I know I will. The knowledge of that lack of control is debilitating.
I think my greatest flaw is my ego. I'm so greatly flattered [sic] - even by a greeting - that I can't see what's true. I don't care what's true. I care only about the praise of me. God, that sounds pompous. [At least I knew I was pompous and ridiculous at the time.] Maybe all I'm looking for is mutual appreciation - to praise and be praised. Not that that is bad necessarily but shallow unless juxtaposed with something more meaningful. I am so tired and I do not look forward to driving for 11 hours. Tragedy. I'll sleep the first three while Mentor drives, wake up, drop her off at the Cracker Barrel, buy cigarettes & food, and go home. More upon my grand return to Home State."
The sad thing is that I think what I said about me and flattery remains true, and I still think that I'm just looking for somebody who flatters me and whom I will flatter. Pathetic. Also, don't you love the comment about First Love? Clearly, I was not dumb, as I knew I was stuck with him for all eternity. And also, the use of the words "grand return"! It is as if the me-then and the me-now are in total sympathy (even if the me-then was a total douchebag).
I also had this habit, at this point in my journal keeping, of copying insightful quotations into the front and back covers (I still do this a bit, but it's fallen off). Anyway, I shall leave you all with some things that I thought were really evocative when I was 21-22.
"Ultimately our differences were: I believed in true love, he believed in wives and mistresses; I believed in happy endings, he in cataclysmic ones; I thought I was in love with him, he was old and cynical enough to know I wasn't. I had merely been deluded into this belief by my other belief, the one in true love." - Margaret Atwood, Lady Oracle.
"A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail." - Marge Piercy, from "For Strong Women"
"I am still dreaming of your face.
Hungry and hollow from all the things you took away.
I don't wanna be your good time.
I don't wanna be your fall-back crutch anymore."
- Everclear, "Santa Monica"
(I've got to say, I love the last one, as it is SO what a 21-22 year old would think is "deep" or "meaningful." It also gives one a sense of the relative time period of my musings in a way that the other quotes just don't.)