I'm not prone to having trouble sleeping, typically. Typically, I put my head to the pillow and I'm immediately tired, and I go to sleep. If I'm feeling stressed, sometimes I need to clear my mind for maybe 10 minutes, but then I go to sleep. It has been this way for me since childhood.
But the past two nights.... Well, Sunday night I went to sleep just fine but I woke up after like 3 hours wide awake and had a really hard time falling back to sleep. Last night, I just couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't shut my brain off, and I got that tense feeling in my stomach that typically only happens when I'm freaking out about something. And then I finally fell asleep, but had the constant dreaming of anxiety that doesn't feel like rest.
Note: there is nothing to freak out about. In my brain, I know this. However, apparently my body doesn't know that this is true.
I only recall having trouble sleeping before in my life for any extended period of time when I was in the spring semester of my junior year in college. I was taking an overload, working either one or two jobs.... I can't quite recall. The point is, though, I went through about a two month period where I didn't sleep more than three hours at a stretch. It was totally not cool. Especially when I'm typically such a good sleeper, so on top of the being cranky and sleep-deprived, I'm also angry that I'm having the problem since sleeping is supposed to be easy for me.
So, why have I been having trouble sleeping? Well, I think (dumb though this is) that it's mainly the book. Knowing that it is coming out is really freaking me out. And then there's the whole "who am I and what shall I do now that I'm going up for tenure" thing. And then there's anxiousness about certain service things that are totally overwhelming me and that I want to get rid of but nobody seems to acknowledge that I really can't do everything, even when I say, blatantly, "you need to find somebody else to do this, because I'm overwhelmed and I can't do everything." The fact is, I've been ignoring the main one of these, because I truly don't have the time or energy even to deal with getting rid of it, but I think that ignoring it is actually causing me sleeplessness related to it. This week I have to hand it off. I cannot keep having it hanging over me. And I'm way behind on grading, and yes, there's just a lot that's making me feel all tense and sleepless, and yet also paralyzed to check things off the list so that I'm not tense and sleepless.
It really sucks.
1 year ago