Saturday, October 04, 2008

I Wish I Weren't the Sort of Person

  • Who starts - or agrees to engage in - conversations that she knows will end in tears (hers).
  • Who lashes out at the people whom she most loves.
  • Who says really hateful things that she knows are hateful and yet she decides they are "the truth" and then thinks that this somehow excuses how hateful they are. It doesn't. She knows that this isn't true, has learned it from brutal experience, and yet can't seem to remember it.
  • Who expects that the people whom she loves the most will "understand" that she is hateful and teary and melodramatic, and thus not be angry at her and also that they will forgive her immediately, even when she says unforgivable things.
  • Who thinks "I'm sorry" solves everything, which she has done since about the moment of first speech, even though when she was 7, her parents made her make a New Year's resolution a) not to whine and b) not to say "I'm sorry" and to think that just solves every problem. Apparently she still whines and she still has the "I'm sorry" problem. Count that as a New Year's Resolution that did not work out so well, in spite of her parents' best intentions and efforts.
  • Who has now become the sort of person who tries to support the "I'm sorry" with both an "I love you" and also with an "but you also have a special place in the acknowledgments of my book." God, that's assholery. Even she can't justify this.
  • Who wants so desperately and yet doesn't ever seem to quite know what she wants. And yet she expects others to just know intuitively. And to get what she wants, as if by magic. And when she doesn't, she throws a tantrum.
  • Who gets so jacked up about work-related stuff that all of this bleeds (like a stuck pig) into every other area of her life.
  • Who is so used to being secure that when she gets insecure in any way that she totally loses her shit and becomes insecure in all areas of her life.
  • Who when she's in this fucked-up place can't seem to think about anybody but herself, even when she sees that she should.
  • Who writes blog posts in a ridiculous bullet-form, that she thinks somehow explain her freaking out, when really all they do is publicize the fact that she's a neurotic freak, encouraging people who enjoy her blog to try to comfort her, because, at the end of the day, she is an attention whore.
And yet, I am all of the above.


PowerProf said...

We've all been there, trust me. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You can't take away the past, but you can try to make amends and learn from this. Hugs and kittens for you!

Anastasia said...

I, also, am a neurotic freak. This might be a little bit why I like you.

Belle said...

Obviously, there are a bunch of us. I don't lash out, I lash in. Blame self for everything and never absolve self of that blame. Yeah, I know it's ridiculous. Doesn't stop the behavior.

Maude Lebowski said...

i, too, am part of that "wanting" and wanting to know what i want intuitively and for it to just happen and then the tantrum throwing, except i somehow manage to convince myself that i have been working hard for these things the whole time, when i haven't.

my problem with "i'm sorry" is that i usually use it not to apologize but to slam the person who is causing me my perceived injustice--like "i'm so sorry that you're such an asshole," or "i'm so sorry that you're mean to me."

(((((((dr. crazy))))))

Professor Zero said...

What I wish: that I were over my adolescent rage at my parents. It really is a little late.

chris said...

dr. crazy,
you're so crazy!
i bet you're a pretty decent person. all the things that you're trying to will into existence in your life... more of them are probably happening than you give yourself credit for.

be well, dr. crazy. i really just wanted to say what's up. and i figured a long evening of saturday night drinking would be a good time to do it.

funny how ambition and relationships seem to compete so unreasonably with one another. it's like, if i commit to another human being, if i commit to having a partner, then it's no longer just *my* success if/when i achieve it. and i/we have been working so long/hard that we/i deserve to be able to experience it by our/myself. i/we should just let go. ...of something. i bet sacrificing self to happiness isn't such a bad thing...

don't know what any of it means. like i said, just dropping by to say what's up...

Kiranjyot said...

Could identify with most of what u wrote!

Its like you zone out and then say hateful things most to people you take for granted.

and more so when you know the right thing to do but you just cant make yourself to do it!