Funk

Well, so. I came home early this afternoon, spent quality time watching some NKOTB and Nick Lachey Behind the Music with the Man-Kitty and his faithful sidekick Mr. Stripey, found out that the dishwasher wasn't actually broken - it was just testy for me - and napped. And I don't feel any better.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is some post-turning-in-the-Binder funk, combined with a knowing-that-the-book-comes-out-this-month (fingers crossed) funk. I mean, there's nothing actually wrong. My classes went fine today, and things are going along fine in other areas as well. I just don't feel... myself. I feel whiny and pathetic and like I wish somebody were around to take care of me.

Ok, well, that's not true about nothing being wrong though. There's the news about my uncle being terminally ill rattling around in the back of my head, and I found out that the Collection Article that Languishes is actually further from publication than it was 3 months ago. That shouldn't be so upsetting to me as it is, but it's just depressing to have put so much work into something and for it to be trapped inside of the Collection that Languishes. Who even knows if it's interesting anymore. I had that idea nearly five years ago. I wrote the original version of the article like three or four years ago. It's just depressing to me that it sits there gathering dust. And I still haven't heard about what's up with the article under review at Fancy Journal, and that waiting is depressing to me, too, but I can't legitimately inquire about it again until like Nov. 1 at the earliest. Sigh.

But enough of this whining.

I did manage to make myself a delicious and healthy stirfry for dinner, which I am about to eat. Perhaps this shall improve my mood? I will say, I am excited about all of the cooking that I'm doing and that the healthy foods are not rotting in the refridgerator. This is positive. And tomorrow begins the Workout Regime.

People asked what I plan on doing. It's got to be the gym. It's the only way to motivate myself. I can say I'll walk places as opposed to driving, but I won't do it. I can say I'll get up and out in my neighborhood, but once I enter my home, I cannot be trusted to leave it. Or if I do, I'll cheat and not work out for as long as I should. And biking doesn't work for me because I'm shitty at riding a bike. Was as a kid. I was the kid who had no coordination or balance, and careened wildly out of control and ran into parked cars and stuff. No, biking in the world would not work.

So, it's the treadmill, the stationary bike, and the elliptical for cardio, and the circuit of machines for strength stuff. I'm not a fan of any sort of group exercise - far from motivating me, it makes me feel like a dufus. So the plan is that I'm going to start out with a half-hour a day, and work my way up to an hour. Tomorrow morning I will weigh myself, and I'll also start with the food diary. And that, my friends, is Operation Fitness.

I just have to keep telling myself that this is a priority and that if I can't make myself a priority for one hour a day, then something is wrong.

So tonight: I need to get the gym bag ready, and I need to schedule my workouts for the week in my planner. I also need to find my iPod armband thingie and earphones, and I need to maybe update my workout playlists. Oh, and I should find that journal that I was using for the food diarizing earlier this year - no sense in starting a new one.

It would help if I wasn't feeling so fussy and miserable, but perhaps the exercise endorphins will do their magic and make me not fussy and miserable.

Cranky. Fussy. Whatever You Want to Call It.

You know that the day is going to be a challenge when you:

• Wake up with a splitting headache at 6 AM and you aren't hung over. (Note: I rarely get headaches, but when I do I wake up with them. I think it's related to the sinuses.)
• Feed the kitties and take some advil, thinking, "Oh, I shall go back to bed for an hour." Except you turned off the alarm when you awakened at 6 AM. And so that means that you will, even though you technically woke up "early" will also manage to wake up "late" this morning. Happily, though, your head didn't hurt when you woke up at 7:40 AM. This is good because you had to rush around like a freak in order to be ready in time.
• Still have a broken dishwasher (or a clogged one, or something) even though you called yesterday about having them come fix it. This means also that you had to put the kitties in home repair jail, on the off chance that they come to fix it when you're not home.
• Have yet to figure out why you initiated a dramatic and ultimately teary Talk with FB last night (or, if you're honest, you maybe think you did this because you wanted attention, but if that's the only thing that made that conversation happen - your need for drama and attention - then really you're pathetic and stupid, and so you're not going to be honest but instead will pretend to yourself and others that you don't really know what your motivation was).
• Feel like you might be coming down with some sort of cold or something, but then wonder whether you just want to be sick so that you can feel sorry for yourself and so that others will feel sorry for you. This, as was the previous bullet, is pathetic.
  

In other words, today is the sort of day that I would have periodically in high school where I'd wake up and end up in a screaming and crying fight with my mom within like 10 minutes of waking, and she would decide that I needed a "mental health day" and make me stay home from school. And, were it not for the fact that I have things happening in my classes that I don't want to/can't postpone, I probably should have made myself stay home today, except I'm no good at making myself stay home and really do need other people to make me take care of myself in that way if there's nothing physically wrong with me. So I am cranky, and I am fussy, and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, twice, and I am not feeling pleased with anything, and I kind of feel like bursting into tears, and I wish somebody were around to indulge my current need to be coddled and felt sorry for.

I may be dedicated enough to teach this morning, but I am totally cancelling my office hours. Today is just not a day where I can hang. Not at all.

In Which I Solidify My Reputation as the Gleeful Purveyor of Doom

And no! I'm not even talking about the collapse of the financial world as we know it! See, I stand to lose nothing - I say nothing! - because of the financial collapse because I don't own anything - anything! - because I spent all that time in graduate school. Really, it's a win-win. Sure, I've got a buttload of debt, but who won't after all this shakes out? Nobody! But really, thank goodness I had to buy my car in June, as if I would have had to do it now, I'd have been screw-ew-ew-ed.

No, I'm talking about the way that I interact with students about the state of the profession and the field of literary studies. All students, yes, but our students most particularly. The deal is, they haven't been socialized, in the way that other students might have been, into the culture of the academy and to understand, to totally steal Mark Bousquet's book title, "how the university works." They see the university, as did I when I was a naive lass embarking on my career path, as a way of opting out of how the world works. Opting out of a life of working to live, opting out of shitty bosses, opting out of a life that deadens the mind and the spirit. And so, here I am, no longer naive, the Gleeful Purveyor of Doom. Many of my colleagues might hate me. Many students most certainly do - or at least they think I'm very scary.

Here's the thing. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: it's not that I don't believe in supporting students who want to go on to graduate school in English. Rather, it's that I think that before they make that choice, they should hear the worst of what they might be in for. I believe that they should have as much information as possible before they strap on the costs (emotional, financial, mental, spiritual) of the Ph.D. and profession in this field. If they hear my Gleeful Tale of Doom and Gloom, and they still want it, fine. If they hear it and it dissuades them, well, perhaps they shouldn't go down that road. Not because I said so, but because if their desire isn't up to the information with which I present them and the way in which I present it, then that means something. I do not believe in perpetuating myself by sending students unwittingly into academe. I believe in showing them that other options might be better life options for them. And that it's not a failure for them to choose the life that they want over academic achievement. Unless academic achievement is the life that you want, well, probably there are a lot of other better jobs.

This, perhaps, is one example of the ways in which I'm alienating to students. Oh, indeed, a fair few students find me reprehensible. BFF took a gander at my RMP page this weekend, and she was astonished at the number of ratings I had (upwards of 30 over 5 years, which is a lot for my university), the range of courses represented in those ratings (all of them, nearly, that I teach), and the extremes that those ratings exhibited. Oh yes, I'm one of those polarizing professors whom one either loves or hates. And even the lovers typically leave comments that are less than flattering. Example: one comment with the highest ratings notes that at the beginning of the semester, the student believed I was "bitter and cold" but that after getting to know me, the student realized I was just really "knowledgeable and passionate." Now, I have to say, I think that the dichotomy there is an interesting one - that this student saw those two things as opposites, in some fashion. I could very well be bitter and cold and knowledgeable and passionate, I would think, but apparently no. (Note: I haven't actually looked at my RMP ratings in like 2 years. I learned a long time ago that they would do little more than upset me.)

Here's the thing, and here's why my status as Gleeful Purveyor of Doom relates: I think that learning is sometimes tough going. I think that sometimes being introduced to new ideas and new ways of doing things freaks us out. I think that sometimes hearing the bad news about things we've dreamed about or that we love makes us angry. That doesn't mean that I aim to make it tough going for my students, that I aim to freak them out (except sometimes, in the most fun of ways), or that I aim to make my students angry. I don't. I don't think that it makes me a "good teacher" that students respond to me this way. (I think that part of their response is about my gender and age, and how those relate to the region and the institution, and I think part of it is because sometimes that's just the response that a student will sometimes have to a teacher.) And I don't think that my students suck because they have those reactions, nor do I think it's wrong for them to have those reactions as part of their education. I'm just not sure about what or how those responses mean ultimately.

I'm confident that I believe what I say, that I know about what I say, and that I am educating students. I think that I should be confident in those things, if I'm going to claim to teach. But teaching for me has never been about making them all feel great. And a lot of people would argue (whether students or colleagues) that this makes me a "bad" teacher. I don't think that I am, many former students would not think that I am, and many colleagues would not think that I am. But I do think it's fair to say that I don't necessarily make all of my students feel great, or even good. I don't aim to make them feel badly, but sometimes that does happen. But does that mean I'm a bad professor, if some students feel badly?

I'd say no, but then, I'm the Gleeful Purveyor of Doom. In a lot of ways, I teach to the student I was, and I was the sort of student who'd rather hear the bad news before the good. Because my teaching is structured and informed in that way, I do run the danger of getting extreme responses. And because my approach to advising students related to grad school is structured in that way, I also run the danger of extreme responses related to that. I don't think my fearlessness about extreme responses makes me a good teacher, necessarily, but I do think that it doesn't make me a bad one.

Teaching is so much about who we ourselves are. And maybe who I am, really, is somebody who not everybody is going to like in a medium sort of a way. And so maybe students' failure to respond to me in a medium sort of a way isn't about my ability to teach the material, or about my ability to give good advice. Maybe it is, ultimately, about me. And maybe that has nothing whatsoever to do with teaching or mentoring. Maybe it has nothing to do with those things at all.

IT'S NOON??? Woops.

Ok, so last night I did have a bit of a hard time falling asleep. I've eaten only healthy things for about 5 days, and this leads to the energy, which can lead to me having a hard time falling asleep if I don't work out. (I decided that the working out begins Oct. 1.) Anyway.

So the kittens woke me at the "normal time" around 6, but I was still sleepy. So I went back to bed, thinking I'd awaken by like 9 or 10.

Yeah, not so much. Try noon.

And the sick thing is that I wouldn't be against returning to bed. Except, of course, for the fact that I have a ton I'm supposed to be accomplishing this afternoon. Sigh.

Fitness, Blah

So, as you may recall, this year all of my resolutions centered around three things: fitness, finances, and fun. I've done well with the finances and the fitness. I'm making steady progress on paying off debt, and fun has certainly been a priority (though of course one could always have more fun, but basically I feel like I'm not in some sort of fun deficiency anymore).

The fitness thing though.... let's just say I've kind of fallen apart on those goals. I feel like a fatso who doesn't take care of herself. That sucks. I can blame lots of things for this.... but the reality is that this is the first thing to go when I'm in work-hard-play-hard mode. Oh, and also I really like food and drink. This does not combine well with my lack of interest in exercise and my great interest in lying around and doing nothing.

I know, I know: you have to find exercise you enjoy! The more you do it, you become addicted to it! Fuck that. I feel like the people who say that are also the people who insist that not eating meat is no big deal and easy to do. In other words: these are the people who have a natural propensity to these things, and they are not my people. My people are the kind of have a natural propensity to lying around on their asses while eating nachos with all the fixings.

The problem is, my people end up being fat-asses with health problems, whose clothes don't fit properly, and I don't want to be one of those people.

And so, I have three months and a bit until 2008 is over. The book is done. The Tenure Binder is done. And for a while I've been wondering what my "next project" is with the completion of those things, and I have decided that the "next project" is Operation Fitness. It has to be done. And no, I don't like the idea of it really, but I also know that if I apply myself to this project with the same intensity that I apply myself to those other sorts of things that I will see results. I am hoping that with results will come greater ambition to continue on the path of fitness, instead of what typically happens with me, which is when I see results I take that as a sign that I can stop doing the fitness-related activities. Yes, I realize that my typical response is counter-intuitive. I am not totally without self-awareness. So it's a matter of really committing (and oh, how that is difficult for me to do) to this project and of keeping my natural impulses at bay until the fitness crap becomes second-nature, or at least a habit.

Fuck.

Poof because it was just too raw of a post. But thanks everybody for your comments. I really do appreciate them.

Catching Up - 1/3 of the Way through the Semester

It's funny, during the semester, it's always a matter of "catching up" rather than of ever being "caught up." Catching up on sleep, catching up on work, catching up on everything. And sometimes I'm really energized by that, and other times it feels super-overwhelming. This week it's felt like a bit of both, probably because it's been such a crazy week.

First there's the fact that I'm no longer preparing to go up for tenure but rather that the ship has sailed and I am going up for tenure, if that makes sense. It's weird, knowing that there's nothing I have to do for tenure anymore because it's all been turned in.

And then there's the fact that in my Glorious Stupendous Love of My Life Upper-Division Class that we're now in the home stretch of Notoriously Difficult Novel, and that has me feeling utterly spent. It's been a pleasure to teach this novel this semester because my students are so invested and so awesome. As a group, they have bought into the endeavor; they trust me to guide them through the endeavor. And that should be (and often is) energizing. But it's also, well, totally exhausting. Not because anything is going wrong, though, but just because it takes a certain force of energy to push us through this book. So as much as I'm energized, all of that energy is also sucked out of me by this book and this class, if that makes sense. In other words, being energized is necessary for the energy that I'm expending - if I weren't energized, there wouldn't be enough energy to propel us forward. I don't know if I'm making any sense anyplace except for in my own head with this train of thought, but there it is. But so I find myself looking forward to being done with the first half of the class, to being done with this novel, because once we're done with it, we move on to another novelist that doesn't produce this particular set of responses/feelings in me. I need a freaking break from the intensity of this experience. At the same time, I suppose the intensity of this experience is exactly why I'm committed to teaching NDN, even if I only do it every fourth year.

This was also a busy week in the department, what with meetings and such that were must-attend events, and well, yes. So I'm finally, today, working on the project of "catching up" knowing full well that I won't actually be "caught up" for real until the semester is over.

But so I've been very up and down this week, almost manic (not clinically or anything, but you know) at some moments and completely wiped at others. Now I'm feeling more even, but I'm trying to use that evenness to accomplish a bunch of things, because in truth when I've got the excess of energy or the deficiency of energy I can't really take care of mundane things like grading or whatever.

Anyway, so that's where I've been, and that's why blogging here has been light-ish (or at least lame-ish) for me.

RBOC: Stupid Early Rising Cats Edition

• Actually, it's not their fault. It's my fault. I stirred into wakefulness for a brief moment and they took that as a strong indicator of the following: "It is morning! Yippee! Breakfast! Come on! Aren't you excited!"
• In other word, note to self and to cats: 4:30 AM is not a reasonable time to awaken, even if one went to bed early-ish.
• Other than going to bed early-ish, I also last night made a second version of the syllabus that I'll teach for the fist time in the Spring. Oh yeah, that needed to be done. However, I think I'll use the second version, because I like the reader I did that syllabus with better, even though it doesn't have some of what I'd be into teaching.
• I have so. much. work. to. do. It's really not cool.
• Coffee is really nice.
• You know what else is nice? That FB. Not because of anything in particular, really. Actually, it's mainly that I'm feeling totally appreciative of the fact that he doesn't make me feel suffocated and smothered. Now, let's note that he'd have to be one giant asshole to do that from a gajillion miles away, but I am feeling appreciative of this nonetheless, and so I thought I'd give him some props. Really this appreciation, though, is because I feel awful for a friend of mine who's feeling suffocated and smothered in her non-fake relationship. Man, doesn't it suck feeling that way?
  
• I feel like I need to buy some new pillows. I keep waking up with stupid neck and shoulder pain.
• I know it would be advantageous for me to use this morning time for work, and then take a nap in a few hours. The problem is that I am utterly lacking in motivation. Utterly. Lacking.
  

A Word on the Word "Polarizing"

This is a word that has been irritating me since the democratic primary season, when "polarizing" became the epithet that was consistently attached to Clinton. Is it just me, or has the word "polarizing" become politically correct shorthand for saying that a woman is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, that a woman's one option is to fulfill gender expectations perfectly or people won't like her and she'll have to be punished? That sure is what it's seeming like to me. And the thing that disgusts me about this is that somehow the use of the word "polarizing" seems to authorize this position, because "polarizing" is not technically a gendered category, even if of late we don't really see it used for, I don't know, men. Well, that's not true. Maybe it's a word used for non-white men, too, like Al Sharpton, say.

"Polarizing" becomes a politically correct way of calling somebody crazy, of putting them in their place, of dismissing them. See, it turns out women and people of color don't get to have full personalities that cause people to have a variety of reactions to them. They don't get to be complex, and if they inspire complex or contradictory responses in others, that's ultimately not ok. If we call them polarizing, that certainly helps to shut them up, or, if that fails, to make sure people don't really see what those people say as important or legitimate.

And so if people refuse to change their behavior when they've been called out for being polarizing, does that mean that they aren't taking responsibility that they should be taking? Or maybe, perhaps, it means that they're refusing to play nice and go along with expectations that are totally fucked up, and maybe, instead of worrying about how "polarizing" these people are - or what makes a person "polarizing" - we should instead worry about how fucked up that categorization is.

A Boring Monday Afternoon Sort of Post

Well, I wish I had it in me to do a post that was not of this variety, but, well, I feel like writing, and I don't have any "topics of the day" that are on my mind about which to write.

I got less done today than my ambitious list of things to do had indicated I wanted to do, but I have made some headway, when all is said and done. Most significantly, I totally cleared off my kitchen counters, cleaned up the filthy cat food area, vacuumed, and took out the trash.

I also, on the work front, took care of some administrative crap for the online class.

You'll notice that I didn't end up going in to the office, didn't deal with bowing out of that other service thing, didn't deal with JWIBSNA related tasks, and, well, didn't do anything else on that list either. I have high hopes that I'll check a couple of more things off the work list before the night is through, but I've decided that even a little productivity should be celebrated and that I'm not going to beat myself up for being less on the ball than I'd hoped to have been today.

In other news, I'm just sort of feeling a bit... listless ... today (in spite of the grand to-do list). Is this some kind of "I turned my tenure binder in" hangover? Perhaps. I think one of the reasons that I didn't drag myself into the office was because I didn't want to be tempted to take the thing back from the dept. office and to play around with it. Also because I didn't want to see the people in my cohort who are also going up running around like mad before turning the binder in. Something about the fact that this is the day that the thing is due had me in a bit of a funk, though I'm not entirely sure why, especially as I already turned mine in. I guess I've been thinking a lot over this weekend about the big questions of "so what?" and "what now?"

I keep thinking that I should be considering what I want, now that I've done the last of the hoop-jumping activities. The fact is, I don't really know. I don't know really what the point of the hoop-jumping has been, nor does it give me much of a sense of accomplishment to have completed it. At the same time, I know this is supposed to be some kind of a milestone or marker. And as for the "what now?" well, I feel like things are pretty much going along like business as usual, which is fine, but it would be nice if there were a greater sense of occasion or if this having the binder out of my hair freed me up in some kind of substantive way. But with teaching four classes, what really could I expect other than to keep trudging along, according to the syllabus?

And then I keep thinking about what I want to do to celebrate when (crossing fingers) I finally get the positive tenure decision. Do I want to throw a party? I hate throwing parties and entertaining in my home, so that seems like a weird thing to consider. Do I want to take a trip? The fact is, I don't really want to spend money on that because I'm trying to get out of debt and save for a house. (Let's not talk about the economy and what that will mean for this goal, as I feel like the best thing I can do is to just keep on with my goals in this area until the sky actually falls, if it hasn't already.) Do I want to buy myself these boots? But if I do, shouldn't I buy them at the start of fall, even though under normal circumstances I'd never spend that much money on a pair of boots, so as to get the most wear out of them? But if I did that, then wouldn't I feel like they weren't really "tenure boots" (ala Profgrrrrl)? I feel as if the bloom would be off the rose by the time the decision was handed down, and thus I'd want to buy another present for myself. In which case buying them would just be an episode of conspicuous consumption. And the fact is, I've got a pair of black boots that is just fine and that's not terribly different from this pair. (I've reached the point where I keep buying the same footwear, with small variations, over and over again. It's kind of ridiculous. I think it's because at a certain point I realized that for me it only makes sense to buy footwear that is either black or brown, and at a certain point, one has all of the black or brown things to put on one's feet that exist in the world.)

And then, what if after all of this, I actually do apply for JWIBSNA and, thinking positively, that goes well, and that ends up meaning that the whole going up for tenure milestone ends up being the milestone that wasn't and I don't actually get to celebrate the milestone because I'll be back on the tenure track? And having to move. The thought of that makes me want to crawl into the bed and never leave it. I don't want for this to have been an exercise in futility. I don't want to fucking move to a new place and to start over (even if I would be awarded time served). I don't give a shit about the fact that it would be a better job than the one I've currently got. I don't even give a shit that it would be a lighter teaching load. I used to give a shit about these things, but now I feel like I'd lose something if I went after them. But all of this musing is stupid, because I know what the market is, and I'm pretty clear on where I stand in the market's trajectory, and the likelihood is that applying for JWIBSNA will end up being a waste of time, paper, and postage, other than that it's good to go on the market periodically because through doing so people realize that you exist in the profession. Seriously: I'm thinking of this more in terms of continuing to engage with the broader profession and having more people see my work and what I'm up to than in terms of actually getting a new job. This may be a self-protective impulse, however.

All of that said, I'm happy I'm not going to MLA this year and that I failed to send a proposal in for the late-winter conference I'd been considering attending. I'm happy that I'm not actually working on any research right now, and that the only research iron I've got in the fire is the article that is still out for review. Note to self: if I don't hear anything by Nov. 1 I need to contact them again. I know that I was an ass for submitting the thing at the start of June, for who expects a normal-time turnaround when all of the reviewers are off and away during the summer, but given the fact that the last word that I had was that one reader had returned their report and that they were waiting on one past-deadline person, I'd really hoped to hear something by now. I'd honestly even be cool with a rejection (though obviously a rejection would sting) because then I could send it out someplace else with a higher acceptance rate. I really do think the thing is worthy of publication, so it's not like I feel like a rejection from this particular journal would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. I just want to know.

That's actually also how I feel about the Collection Article that Languishes. How long has it (and the collection) been languishing, you ask? Like three years. I don't even know whether that article is interesting anymore. And I'd ask the editors about it, but at this point, what the fuck? It's not all the editors - as far as I know the collection went back to the press that was interested in it and asked for revisions. So take this as a warning, peeps: even if journals take an age to get back to you, that process is much less fraught than the edited collection process. I hadn't realized this because my first edited collection publications happened with the minimum of waiting and drama - and that's including one that was stalled for about a year and a half because the publisher was located in lower Manhattan and 9/11 happened. (Happy note: I realized when I did a search in Amazon to see if my page for the book was up yet that the article in that collection is cited a good amount in somebody else's book that came out last year. I feel very fancy and interesting, especially given the fact that this collection article is not in my field of specialization and was based on a seminar paper that I wrote in grad school for a theory seminar. Maybe I am a theoretically interesting person after all, even though I don't consider myself a "theory person"? And perhaps this makes me more confident that I'm currently being styled by my department as a "theory person"?)

So what else? I feel like nothing, really. So I think it's time for dinner.

A Boring Monday Morning Sort of Post

So I'm sitting here at the dining room table, having glanced at my email, at blogs, at an IHE article about gender in the academy that I didn't really read because it was long and I'd just woken up....

In other words, I am getting off to a slow start on this Monday.

The problem, at least in part, is that I have two sets of things I need to do today, and I'm not entirely certain which to do first. The first set of things is work-related:

• Read draft for mtg. with BES tomorrow.
• Put up ppt on editing for web course.
• Grade assignment for web course and send the class an email about this week's goings on.
• Talk to those in charge about getting out of a service commitment.
• JWIBSNA letter (which I totally ignored this weekend).
• Email people requests for LoRs.

But then the second set of things is house-related, and it primarily involves doing around-the-house things that didn't really get completed over the weekend. Now, one might argue that I should do the around-the-house things first, but then will I really be motivated to go into the office? Though actually, looking over my list of things to do, I don't necessarily have to go into the office to accomplish all of the school/work things....

But or I could do the school/work things first and then come home and do house-related things. I just don't have faith I'd actually *do* the house related things if I put them off until afternoon. Sigh.

You know, I wish that scientists would get to work on training house cats to do chores. I know that my little men are smart enough and that they could really do some things if they felt like it. The problem is, they seem to have a very strong sense of entitlement which precludes them assisting me in any way. Brats. That said, they are very cute, which may make up for their slackitude.

Here's a picture of Mr. Stripey in he Kitten Tent that he and his brother share:

And here's a picture of them entering the kitten tent from different entryways, which typically leads to one of them leaping through and tackling the other.

And then, when that's done, and they've knocked the kitten tent over, it's time for some licking of each others' faces.

In Which I Retract My Frustrated Posts of Last Week

I think that the web course is back on track. I'm thinking that the level of frustration I experienced had a lot to do with the way time works in the web course. If one hits a bump in the road, it takes longer to realize it and then longer to get everybody back on track. Or it seems like it does. But ultimately, everything I did this week totally worked! (And a number of people dropped, which totally helped.) But so far so good. I no longer think that I'm going to fail everyone, and from what I gather, the students who remain are really enjoying the course. Who knew?

Apparently It Is a Day of Cooking

Right now, I'm making this.

My house smells so good that I might die before the soup is done. Seriously. I hope it tastes as good as it smells.

Edited to Add:
Oh. My. God. Am in Pea Soup Heaven. And that's even having changed the recipe to make it slightly less decadent (used nonfat half/half + whole wheat bread + lowfat sour cream). Again: Pea Soup Heaven.

In Which I Brag about My Breakfast

You know, I think that I have some sort of gift with the cooking of eggs. No, I mean really. It's like I just know what to do with them. Like I make perfect scrambled eggs and always have. It's like a special talent or something.

Today I decided - on a whim - to make my first ever omelet. I made it with broccoli and cheddar cheese. It is perfection. Seriously. And not greasy like restaurant omelets, nor dry. Nope. Perfect, light, fluffy deliciousness.

Ok, now back to watching the film my students are viewing this week and making up some questions for them to think about while they watch.

Processing the Tenure Process

So, the Binder is turned in, and I've been trying to think about how I feel about having passed this particular milestone, and about how the tenure process at my institution has worked for me personally. Now, I have written about tenure in general before - with a dash of the personal thrown in - so I'm going to do my best not to just rehash stuff I've written here before. But I thought I might as well write something about how I'm feeling now that the thing is out of my hands - what I've done, what I might have done differently, how I think my experience measures up to the typical narratives we hear about how junior faculty feel about the tenure process.

I've got to say, turning in the Binder was a bit of an anticlimax for me. I didn't feel some great sense of completion upon turning it in, nor do I feel like my life will be substantially different now that this part of my probationary period is done. I work at an institution where junior faculty take a really active role in all parts of the university, where we speak up about what we're thinking, where we've got a lot of freedom to do whatever we want to do. Or at least that's how it is in my department, and at many other departments across the institution (I probably shouldn't speak for everybody on this). For these reasons, what reaching this milestone means for me, in practical terms, is really just that I don't have to do the stinking Binder anymore. So if there's "relief" at all, it's really just relief that I will no longer be required to scrapbook as part of my job. Sure, if/when I go up for full professor I'll have to put together another binder, but the requirements for that are different (it's a much more streamlined Binder that one puts together - it's not about documenting "everything" so much as about proving excellence beyond the "everything" that one has already documented). But the short version of all of this is that the tenure process has never really caused me stress except for when I was in my first year and we had to start the Binder from scratch, and I have never felt like I wasn't clued in to what the expectations were.

This is where the Chronicle piece to which I linked above doesn't really fit my experience, and I wonder whether that's because my institution is some exception to prevailing norms or whether that's because the piece itself is making some sweeping generalizations about all assistant professors when really it's talking about "assistant professors at a certain kind of institution." See, the report is based on interviews with "30 junior faculty members at six universities," and so I wonder: how were the 30 chosen? What disciplines were represented? What types of institutions were included in the six? Is this really a representative sample of what all junior faculty experience? I mean, 30 people at six institutions means they probably talked to five people at each institution. Where in the tenure process were each of the interviewees? Second year? Fourth year? I think that could make a difference. I also think that the people most likely to participate in such interviews would be people who had a gripe, no? But maybe I'm just being cynical in that thought.

Anyway, the interview lists the complaints of junior faculty as the following:

• Vague and inconsistent tenure guidelines.
• Lack of constructive feedback.
• A culture of "don't ask, don't tell."
• Divergence between policy and practice.

It then lists the potential solutions to these problems as the following:

• Adopt formal written policies.
• Offer workshops.
• Interpret tenure policies.

(Head on over and read the article if you haven't - I'm only recounting the bullets of it here.)

Now, when I look at the above lists, the only thing that I can suppose is that my institution - in contrast to most - is doing everything (pretty much) right. The proposed potential solutions? All firmly in place. (And I'll add that the whole "workshop"thing has always struck me as a complete waste of time - much better are individual meetings to address my specific performance.) The complaints? Well, they don't seem to be in play here (or at least they haven't been for me). The one thing that some might argue is that there can be a lack of consistency from year to year when we turn our books in. One year they suggest you should put that special issue of a journal you edited in scholarship and the next they say it counts as professional service. One year they suggest that you should include every single thing you want people to read in your personal statement up front and the next they say you should relegate most of your commentary to individual section statements. Stuff like that. And yes, that is irritating, but I suppose I've responded to it as just irritating and not as some diabolical attempt to confuse me and to get in the way of my success. Ultimately, putting together the Binder is just a matter of sticking stuff in a binder. It's not rocket science, and it's not hard to shift things around year to year - only irritating. It's just about following directions, even as they change.

Of course, I have the luxury of feeling that way because our process during the probationary period is a yearly one. While this in itself is irritating for any number of reasons, it does a lot to make the process transparent and habitual for the person on the tenure track. It's not such a big deal when you're asked to shift minor things from year to year. I imagine the anxiety about this would be much greater if one were in a position of doing just a third year review and then going up.

But so if the actual compilation of the materials isn't that big of a deal (and I really don't feel like it is: just that it's time-consuming and annoying), then why all of the angst about the tenure process for many junior faculty? Well, I think that it's angst around what "counts" and what will be regarded more or less favorably. I imagine that this can be more difficult to ascertain at a research university to some extent, perhaps. Although perhaps people might say that it should have been difficult for me at my institution, which is one that is in transition toward valuing things in addition to teaching (more of an emphasis on scholarship, more of an emphasis on serving the community) more than it has done historically. Except, here's the thing: don't we all know what good teaching, good research, and good service are? I never felt like I didn't know those things. Sure, the devil is in the details: does journal A count more than journal B; does developing new courses count more than service courses; does serving one's university count more than serving one's department? But if one gets bogged down in those details I think that it potentially gets in the way of actual productivity. If one is so busy worrying about what the "right" thing to do is, one isn't actually accumulating lines on the cv. Instead, one is spending all of that energy that could go into putting lines on the cv on hand-wringing about what lines would look better, and that results in, I think, paralysis. Or at least that's how I have felt.

So the way that I approached life on the tenure-track was (and again, this may not work at all institution types, but it worked well at mine) to be as well-rounded as possible and to try to hit certain sweet spots in each of the areas. What has that looked like? Well, let's take this in order.

Teaching
Ok, so with teaching, what my institution is looking for is a bunch of different things, including: student-centered approaches, innovation in terms not only of assignments and syllabus design but also in terms of developing new courses to add to the curriculum, a commitment to teaching service courses. So over the past five years, I've kept all of that in mind and I made choices accordingly.

1. While I tried to limit the number of service courses that I taught, I never tried to get out of teaching service courses, and when possible I tried to find a way to link some of the service courses that I teach to university efforts at retention. In other words, I waited until this year to find my way out of teaching composition, and I only did that after I pushed a new general education course through the curriculum and began teaching it.
2. I paid attention to adding courses to the curriculum that reflected my research expertise. Now, partly I did this for self-serving reasons, but also I did it to underscore the value that I, individually, bring to the department and curriculum. I could have just taught versions of courses that were on the books when I arrived. Part of why I didn't was to demonstrate my unique value to the institution.
3. In developing assignments and syllabi, I paid attention to how what I was doing showed a commitment to the university's mission and stated attitude to students and instruction. It's not that I did anything so differently than I otherwise might have done, but I did spend some time thinking and noting how I could "sell" what I do in that context.

Service
Now, nobody loves service, but it has to get done. At an institution like mine, service is a key thing in tenure decisions, but that doesn't necessarily mean one has to be a slave to service expectations. It took me a while to figure out how to do the service thing without being a slave to service requests. What did I ultimately figure out?

1. You can do service you love or you can do service you hate. It all counts the same. You get no extra credit for doing service you hate, so you might as well avoid it when possible.
2. Part of the service requirement is about range, at least at my institution. It's not necessarily how much service one does, but that one is doing a certain amount of service across areas - department, university, community, and profession. One doesn't have to go all out in every area, but one should have a thing or two in each.
3. When possible, choose the service that works as an easy, one-shot deal but yet that produces a line on the cv. Judging a writing contest takes maybe a few hours of your time on one day. Serving on a committee extends over many hours and many days. Each is only one line on the cv. Plan accordingly. (This is not to say that one can avoid all committee work, or that one should, but being strategic about service on committees is a good thing.)

Scholarship
Now, as I've noted here before, scholarship requirements at my institution aren't terribly steep and I've never felt like they were unreasonable given the other demands of the job. Still, there are some things:

1. Especially in this area, requirements tend to increase over time. The scholarship requirement people tell you about in year one on the tenure-track will likely be less than the requirement when you go up for tenure. Thus, it makes sense not to aim for the minimum that they tell you in the beginning but rather to think about where that minimum bar may be in five years' time, and to plan accordingly. These changes are typically not drastic, but if you were aiming for one article placed anywhere when you started, and if by year five they're saying 2 peer-reviewed articles, then you're probably screwed.
   
2. Consistent productivity over time is key. Publishing like gangbusters and going to a ton of conferences in years 1 and 2 and then doing nothing for years 3-5 will not serve you well. Slow and steady wins the race.
3. We all know what "good journals" in our fields are. So do our colleagues. Why not try to publish one or two things in them just to alleviate stress? The thing with research, particularly at this type of institution I think, is to do at least a thing or two that is unquestionable to any academic. So, for example, in English we value essays in collections, while our colleagues in other disciplines don't so much. So it makes sense to make sure at least one publication is in a peer-reviewed journal, even if that's not the requirement. Make it easy for them to see that you've met the expectation. Eliminate questions about whether or how something "counts." Leaving question marks only increases one's own stress and makes it harder to make one's case that one deserves tenure.

As I've outlined all of this, I think that what I see clearly is how consistency over time and consistency across areas have really been what I've emphasized in the path toward tenure. I didn't look for specific instructions about what exactly I should do: I just took the stuff that's written in our faculty handbook about what counts as evidence in each area to heart, and I tried to come up with evidence for each area that demonstrated my specific value to the institution. I also tried, with varying degrees of success, to think about myself in a broader academic context: ultimately, my performance in these areas isn't just about my standing at this institution but about my success in the profession as a whole. At the end of the day, though, it's not about, or shouldn't be about, reading tea leaves. It's just about doing the job as best as one can.

Now, I'm not saying that the complaints that many junior faculty register about vague and inconsistent requirements, lack of mentorship toward tenure, a feeling that they can't ask questions or ask for clarification, or the divergence between policy and practice aren't real. I'm sure these are things that people experience. I just wanted to note for the record that not everybody experiences those things, that not all academic institutions mystify the tenure process, and that not every institution sets junior faculty up to fail or to fear for their professional futures.

I know that I'm not done with this process yet. I suppose that something horrible could happen at this point (knock wood that it doesn't). But I don't feel anxious that this will happen, and I don't feel like I should feel anxious about my chances. I feel like my record meets the institution's requirements and that, really, it speaks to my tenurability. And I can feel that because my institution and department have worked really hard to mentor me through the process. At the end of the day, they want to tenure every t-t hire that they make. They don't want to do another search; they don't want to weed people out at tenure. I think that's the reality at many institutions, and to indicate otherwise seems to ignore the wide range of institutions and contexts in which the tenure process occurs.

What's That Road to Hell Paved with Again?

[Extract of phone conversation with FB last night]

Crazy: So it was revealed today that my chair is calling together a committee to revamp the curriculum for the major.
FB: ...
Crazy: So here's the part where you're supposed to tell me not to volunteer for this committee.
FB: Of course you shouldn't volunteer! Are you crazy! Without tenure! Extra work! [bluster bluster bluster]
Crazy: I knew that's what you'd say. And you're right....
FB: Of course I'm right!
Crazy: But I really want to have a say in how the thing is revamped.... but I guess whoever's on the committee will bring whatever they come up with and we'll have to vote on it as a department anyway....
FB: EXACTLY. You DO NOT need to be on this committee! You know I'm right!
Crazy: You just keep telling me that.

[As I'm putting the final touches on the Binder this afternoon, less than 24 hours after that conversation, the chair sends an email asking for volunteers.]

Crazy writes: I'd be happy to serve, if you need me :)

[When Crazy walks into the department office to turn in her Binder.]

Chair: Oh! Look at that! Are you finished? [pause] I need to talk to you!
Crazy: Uhhhh....
[Crazy walks into Chair's office]
Chair: So when is your book coming out?
Crazy (slightly confused): Ummm... next month....
Chair: That's so exciting! You must be thrilled!
Crazy: Well, yeah... You needed to talk to me?
Chair: Now, it's horrible, when you're a person who does so much and does it all so well, because it means that more just gets asked of you, when other people who don't do anything never get asked because they don't do a good job....
[Crazy sees where this is going, she thinks]
Chair: And I don't know if you were even interested in being on the ad hoc committee about the curriculum.... but... [spit it out! thinks Crazy] I wanted to ask if you would chair it.
[Let's just pause for a moment and note that I really wanted to chair this committee if I was going to be on it, but that's crazy talk so I only ever admitted that to myself silently and never thought to actually say it out loud to anybody.]
Crazy: Chair, have you checked your email since you got back to the office? I already volunteered to be on the committee, and so of course I'd be happy to chair it!

[Why did Crazy want to chair it so badly? Because she wants to control the meeting schedule so that it's convenient for her. And because she wants to make sure the meetings aren't lengthy and rambling affairs where things aren't accomplished. And because she wants to decide the curriculum for the major, because it's part of her whole "world domination" scheme - one has to start small when one is aiming for "world domination."]

And rather than make a nice and healthy meal for myself, I've been eating Cool Ranch Doritos (a last hurrah before the healthy eating goes into effect tomorrow) with dip (in for a penny in for a pound - pun intended) and writing my syllabus for my new course next semester.

I, my friends, am an ass.

Binder, Done

No, really. It's done. I was going to take a picture of it, but then I realized that it would just look like a picture of a big honking binder with a bunch of plastic sleeves inside of it. Not exactly the most exciting of photographs.

I feel like I should have something profound to say about being done with it, but honestly I'm just annoyed because everybody's out of the dept. office and it's locked and they won't be back until 2:30, so I have to wait around to turn the thing in. It's not technically due until Monday, but I decided I couldn't bear the idea of having it hanging over my head over the weekend. Nah, I'm pleased enough with it, and I feel like I'm done, so I'm done. I'm turning it in, and that will be that.

My mentor was fantastic when we met about the binder yesterday. Just a few teensy suggestions, but really it ended up being a meeting where we talked about how I've done here, my career plans, etc. Awesome, awesome.

So once I can turn this stupid 400-lb. gorilla in, I'm off to the grocery store to by healthy and nutritious foods that I can cook. The time for excuses is done: I've got to get back to eating in a reasonable way and to exercising regularly. Everything went to hell in a handbasket between the book and the article and the travels and the tenure binder. Time for me to get back on top of it and to focus on me, me, me and not work, work, work.

So yeah. Those are my thoughts on this sunny day that I'm not out in because I'm in my stupid windowless office waiting to turn in a thing that's not technically due for three days. I suppose I could go to the grocery store, then stop back here to turn in the binder, and then go home. That just seems like something I don't feel like doing, though. Hmmm.

Some End to the Bitching Madness

First of all, let me just acknowledge that I've been a bit of a frustrated and whining crank over the past couple of days. And then, let me thank you all for your thoughtful comments, and for listening to me complain, because those two things combined have really helped me to strategize about how I'm going to handle things in the web course that refuses to behave.

Plans/Strategies for the short term:

1. I'm going to be on top of posting discussion questions on the day after blog posts are due, in the event that other classmates don't do their assigned work. I've been doing this a bit off the cuff, but I haven't been systematic about when I do it, which is placing an undue burden on students who are "checked in" to the course.
2. Should things continue to implode with students submitting (or not) their assignments, I'm going to reconfigure the commenting requirement for the blog, so that students have more agency in choosing how they fulfill it. Commenting is worth a full 15% of their course grade, so if things don't improve, I've got to do something for the non-slackers.
3. I actually have gotten substantive feedback already from the non-slackers, so I'm reluctant at this point to do some mandatory assessment activity, to which only the non-slackers would probably respond anyway. This is not to poo-poo the suggestions about midterm evals, etc., but I do think hat one of the problems with the web format is that I can't make them do these evals in front of me, during "class time" as I would with students in a F2F environment. So I'm holding out on implementing this strategy, mainly because I think that the time investment of putting together yet another assignment that the slackers ignored wouldn't be worth my time as an instructor. I'd rather focus more energy, for the time being, on the students who are checked in.
4. I have been alerting individual students to their grades for assignments that they are missing, but at midterm, I will send a midterm grade estimate to each individual student, which also includes a projected grade if they continue on their current paths, to let them know where they stand and to indicate their prospects if they continue in their current fashion.

Plans/Strategies for the long term:

1. I realized today that I'm less interested in the short-term strategies for this course than in the long-term ones, not because I'm not invested in this particular section this semester but because I care about making this course good over the next three semesters in which I've committed to teaching it.
2. First, I will do a power-point or podcast for the first week in which I briefly outlinethe expectations and demands of the course. All of this is in the course syllabus already,but I think a good number of them didn't actually read this stuff in the first week this semester, even though it was their only assignment for the first week. I think that I need to be more hardcore about course expectations - and more bullet-point-y - than I thought I had to be, having never taught online before. It's fine if they drop immediately: the problems occur when they claim to exist in the course - a course that depends on them producing and interacting throughout the semester - and yet don't really do so.
3. I also think that my ideas about how the "commenting" requirement should be fulfilled should be more flexible than they currently are for the course blog. Originally, I thought that requiring three blog posts per semester of each student while their other work on the blog would be in the form of commenting was doing them a favor. I think I'm now going to change the "commenting" requirement in such a way that they can comment or do brief posts to fulfill that requirement. I think that this will be good.
4. I also think that I'm going to incorporate a colleague's practice in the course policies that if you fail to submit any major assignment on the due date that you fail the course. In the F2F classroom I don't like this policy, because it feels incredibly inflexible to me. In the online environment however - particularly in trying to get them interacting with one another and investing in the course - I think it may be a good way of sending a message that they need to be keeping up and participating.

So, those are the things that I've come up with over the course of the day. They feel true to who I am as a teacher, and they feel like strategies that I can implement within the current course design, which I do think makes sense, that will make things more transparent for even the least engaged of students. I think that I tend to aim my teaching at the upper-middle of students in my F2F courses, and I think that maybe in the online environment - or the particular online enviornment of this course - that I need to aim more at the lower-middle.

See, this is one of the things that I think may be causing me static this semester. On the one hand, this course is technically, on paper, a writing-intensive capstone course for a major at the university. In other words, it's populated almost entirely with seniors. This would indicate, in a normal situation, a certain level of competency and commitment. However, this major is also typically a "completer degree," i.e., students who choose this major often do so because of its relative flexibility and (often) lack of rigor, when they have failed to meet the expectations of one or more other majors. The point of this major, in other words, is often that it constitutes the quickest way to a piece of paper that names one a college graduate. I suspect that this is even more true for those students who choose to take the course online. In other words, I think I may need to be even more of a hard-ass than I'd typically be in expressing my expectations. They don't have the benefit of seeing how those expectations play out in person - they don't get the benefit of "tone" in person. So I think I need to be even more explicitly a hard-ass than I typically am in order for this thing to work. Also, I should note, the issue here is not "distance learners" vs. my typical population that I teach. These students are *part* of the population that I teach - they're not from all over the country - but they have commitments that prohibit them from taking only traditional classes.

I suppose I mention all of this because as much as I do believe the method of delivery is part of my problem, it's not the only factor in the equation. In some respects, this problem has little to do with method of delivery and much more to do with student population. Dealing with this student population in the F2F classroom is in many regards easier, because my personality and face-time with them can motivate and carry them to a large degree. I think the discomfort that I feel with this particular class this semester is that I can't, in this medium, do the typical things that I do to force them to work. So there's a learning curve.

All of that said, I'm getting a lot out of thinking about how to articulate this stuff in another medium. I've reflected on my teaching more related to this course than I have in relation to any other in recent memory. I think that this is ultimately good for me and for my students in all courses.

In other news, I met with my mentor today about the tenure binder, and it was awesome. I have things to say about that, but that will have to wait for another post, for I am exhausted.

In Which I Whine about Teaching F2F

Or rather in which I whine about the fucked up comments that students can leave on evaluations. Oh yes, in the final stretch toward finishing the tenure crap I had to find a few sample evals. from the spring to include. May I just note that my numbers were the highest I've ever had, so it's not like I got any "negative" evaluations. And yet. You give me a score of 4 or 5 for "knowledge of material" and then complain that I'm trying to "sound smart" by using big words. Which is it, folks? Do I know my shit or am I trying to seem like I know my shit? I also love where in one breath they say that they've never learned more in a class and in the next they complain about the amount of work, because, you know, learning happens by magic - not by doing a bunch of work.

I know part of my irritation is that we are advised to include only the most glowing of the glowing samples of actual evaluations, so even one half-assed comment like the two above are perceived as "negative" and thus not presenting oneself most effectively. So even though I had near perfect eval scores, I nevertheless have to struggle to find one or two that are "perfect" in terms of the comments. (And they don't want evals with no comments, so that's not an option either.) This is annoying, time consuming, and a total waste of energy. But so anyway, let me just note for the record that I will never again look at my institutional course evals after I submit this fucked up binder. I'll do my own evaluation with my own questions, the answers to which would actually be useful to me, and I will just ignore the others. I think doing so will make me an infinitely happier teacher.

(Note: All of my teaching irritability and angst of the past day or two probably are a result of the one-two punch of the tenure application and PMS. I feel sorry for anybody who crosses my path between now and Monday. Really, I do.)

More about Teaching Environments

So, yesterday I posted about my web course, and I tried to articulate something about how it's working or not working, but I feel like I was sort of incoherent. So here's a follow-up post that may end up being as incoherent as the last one, but as I'm still trying to think these issues through, you'll just have to bear with me.

First, let's think about what makes me a good teacher in a traditional setting. I think I'm good at (based on student feedback, self-assessment, etc.):

• Improvisation day-to-day within the constraints of the syllabus. I think that I excel at scrapping my plan for the day when it's clear that another approach would be more advantageous for my students (so just doing discussion instead of an activity or whatever, or vice versa).
• Writing a do-able syllabus and sticking to it. I am a professor who does not like to change deadlines, to speed ahead on the syllabus, to fall behind, to cut material, etc. I feel like if the syllabus is a contract, then I'm bound by it, too. Students need to know what the heck is coming next, and they can't plan if they don't have a document they can trust. I think this also helps with making the class a community that works together rather than centering the class on my needs.
• Appearing enthusiastic. This is a lame one, but students always seem to comment favorably on this. Are there other profs zombies who don't like the material? I will never know.
• Making hard stuff accessible, if not easy. So relating seemingly disconnected material to students' lives, giving them strategies for approaching something that seems very difficult on their own, etc.
• Designing assignments that build off of one another, from reading to in-class activities to papers to exams.
• Responding to student work in ways that are substantive and that connect their ideas to what I'm trying to get them to learn.

As I look at the above list, a lot of what I'm good at really depends on what students give me. If students aren't invested, then most of the above doesn't mean a hill of beans. Which I suppose is why the "enthusiasm" thing is a positive attribute, for enthusiasm and investment are contagious. Also, I think that most of the above depends on everybody in the class being on the same page, so to speak. I don't carry the class: everybody has to carry their part of the weight.

Now, obviously all of that isn't lost in moving to a web-based method of delivery. I'm not a different teacher in an online environment. I'm still all of the above things. And in working on the web course, I worked really hard to build the assignments and the methods of interaction in such a way that we would constitute a community of learners throughout the semester, and I've set the course up to emphasize that students are at the center of the whole enterprise. For the students in the course who are committed, this seems to be working ok. The problem as I see it is that those students are in the minority of students enrolled in the course.

Challenges:

• The ability to improvise on a day-to-day basis depends on everybody being on the same page, or basically in the same place at the same time. I can't change something up on a Tuesday if most of the class doesn't get the memo until Saturday night. So one thing I'll change about the course next semester is that I will put strong language into the syllabus that students are expected to check the course site, the blog, and their email at least once per day. I indicate this in a not-so-strong way now, but I want that to be emphasized more strongly, as it's clear to me that students are not keeping plugged in to the course in a consistent way.
• It is difficult to stick to the syllabus when the students just aren't doing the work. And it's difficult to force them to do the work (whether through positive or negative reinforcement) when they're not in front of you. And so even the students who are keeping up flounder because their classmates are floundering. I feel like I can't make any major changes because that screws the students who have bought into the course, but I also can't correct for the students who just aren't showing up, so to speak. Gah.
• How does one appear enthusiastic in an environment where you're not actually present?
• How does one make material accessible to students when they're not telling you what they're getting out of the material, and when they're not (as far as you can tell for some of them) actually keeping up with the reading/viewing, let alone their assignments?
• How can assignments build off of one another when students aren't doing the assignments?
• How can one respond substantively to students who aren't actually giving you anything to which to respond?

Now, I'm not a new teacher. I'm a very experienced teacher. I know that there isn't some deep flaw in the way that the course is constructed or in the way that the assignments are constructed. The students (maybe 1/4 of the class) who are doing the work are doing just fine. The problem is with that other 3/4 of the class. And I think that part of what is causing the problem with that 3/4 of the class is one of expectations (theirs for the course) and belief (I don't think that they actually believe the course policies, the deadlines, etc.).

Now, I actually do have some insight into what these students came into the course expecting because I made them fill out a form in which they told me a bit about themselves and their expectations. So what are the majority of them expecting?

1. A course that fits into their schedule that will allow them to graduate sooner. Most of these students are not 100% online. They're taking traditional classes at the same time that they're taking this web course. The idea is that adding a web course to their schedules will allow them to graduate more quickly. (This course is for a degree that is typically a "completer degree" for many students.)
2. A course that allows them more ease with balancing family and work obligations, which are more central to them than their work as students. Note: I'm not judging that these things are more central to them. We all have to have priorities. BUT I think that there is a difference between "more central" and "the only central thing and I won't meet my obligations with the other things I take on."
3. A course that fits their vague interest in the theme I've chosen.

Many of these students came into this course having never taken an online course; many of these students are totally unfamiliar with the basic technology required to participate in such a course; many of these students, if they have taken courses online, have had the experience that the course works like a correspondence course in which they just do some work and turn it in at the end with very little interaction between themselves and classmates and themselves and the instructor. I also suspect that since many of them are also taking F2F classes that those classes are taking precedence in their list of priorities because they have the constant reminder that they've got to do the work of those courses.

Now, I've sent stern emails. I've informed students about the fact that they're receiving zeros for assignments not completed. I've picked up the slack on the course blog for students who aren't meeting their posting obligations so that the rest of the class can meet their commenting obligations. I'm honestly not sure what else I can do other than what I've done.

And this is disheartening because typically I know how to get a course back on the rails in a F2F setting.

So as I write all of this out, I do think that part of the problem is just with the method of delivery. I think that many of these students think "online" equals "checked out." I'm not sure what I can do, or what I even should do, to combat this. To some extent, I feel like this is their party. If they choose not to show up, well, I can't really force them to get down and boogie. As a teacher, though, this upsets me, because I really do want them to learn and to get something out of the course.

Perhaps, though, all of this is a reminder for me of just how much teaching and what happens in the classroom isn't really about me. And that's got to be a good reminder.

It will be interesting to see, though, how things progress from this point, and how things go next semester, with a different crop of students. Maybe I've just got a bad batch? One can only hope.

One of the Things I'd Not Anticipated about Web-Based Teaching

It seems I'm much less giving as a teacher in this medium, and I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't actually know my students. The few that I do believe I'm getting to know in some fashion are really invested in letting me know them, but that seems to be exception in the online environment and not the rule. And, to be honest, I think a lot of students take web-based courses because they think that they can just do whatever and as long as they ultimately turn crap in that they will be just fine.

Well, the problem is, that's not how it's going to go in this class I'm teaching. The guidelines are very clear: this is NOT a correspondence course, and you've got to accomplish certain tasks during each week of the course. Well, you've got to do that if you want to pass.

I've already dished out something like 10 zeros for assignments people didn't bother to complete and turn in. Some of these assignments have been worth as much as 10% of the final grade in the course. And you know, I feel weirdly detached from that, in a way that I don't think I've ever felt with the traditional classroom role that I play. Ultimately, I don't think I care as much about these students succeeding. And I'm wondering whether that's a failing in me, or whether it's a failing in the students who don't appear actually to want to succeed. (Not all of them, obviously, but many in this course.)

Sort of about David Foster Wallace

I'm not sure how to write this post, but I feel like I want to write something. I should warn you: this will be self-indulgent and personal. This isn't going to be some literary critical endeavor, or one that promises to evoke any sorts of insights into the life or work of the Author. No, it's going to be a post about the reader, and the reader who is me.

My Most Significant Ex (who I'm sure I gave a pseudonym at some point but I don't remember it, which may lead one to think he wasn't so significant after all, though he is the only Ex with whom I've ever lived) introduced me to DFW's work. (I've still got a soft spot in my heart for the Hometown that isn't Hometown that he created in Broom of the System, which seemed such an evocative link to my experience as a telephone operator for BP there in 1994.) Most significantly, MSE introduced me to Infinite Jest. See, the halcyon days of young love between us began with me loaning him a book with my marginalia. And this then progressed, once we were thoroughly together, to us reading aloud to one another in bed, reading, I should note, his favorite books. It began with High Fidelity. (Yes, this says something about him.) The next (and last) on the list (of two) was Infinite Jest. We read his books because all of my books were grad school books, and I was in the phase of comps/dissertating, and I didn't read for pleasure independently. Sure, I'd read him passages, but no, we didn't read my books. (This also says something about him, and probably about us.) So him reading to me (though I suppose I read a bit periodically) was a way of me experiencing books for pleasure at a time when all of the books with which I typically engaged were for work. So he began reading Infinite Jest to me. And sometimes I'd fall asleep while he was reading, and he'd have to backtrack. And somewhere around the half-way-through point, we were no longer in the throes of infatuation, and he stopped reading. Or I stopped wanting to be read to. Or something.

But it was a book I wanted to finish.

So jump to the May in which I Decided to Return to My Parents' House for Free Room and Board and Dissertating Support and in which I left MSE in Grad School City, unemployed. Looking back now, this is when we should have broken up. Anyway, we didn't. And I took his copy of Infinite Jest with me. Well, during that summer, when pretty much all I did was write and watch Law and Order (which explains the excessive use of the word "alibi" in the diss), I also finished Infinite Jest. It was different reading it on my own. I was irritated by the endnotes (why didn't they just make a separate volume for the notes? I get that they couldn't be footnotes, but how much easier would it have been if the notes were in another volume?) and I spent a lot of time wondering why this book, and this writer, were so significant to MSE. I saw the brilliance of the novel. And I did love it, though I suspect what I loved had nothing to do with what he loved in relation to it. I loved the play on metempsychosis with Madame Psychosis. I loved that on her radio show Madame Psychosis read Jean Rhys's Good Morning, Midnight. I loved the whole concept of the "infinite jest." I loved it especially because of what I myself was theorizing about pleasure and representation and experience. All of these things may have nothing to do with what is most important or interesting about this book. These things were important to me in a very self-centered way - and not as a literary critic.

But I finished it. And I loved it.

And then MSE moved to Hometown to be with me, and then the crappy apartment, and me temping, and my grandmother in the nursing home, and the job market, and then the job offer, and then the final end of the whole thing. He was gone. I've not spoken to him since. Things lost: one copy of Kant's Critique of Judgment, with marginalia. Things gained: one copy (without dust jacket) of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, signed by David Foster Wallace; one copy (without dust jacket) of a first edition of Underworld by Don DeLillo; one battered paperback of Infinite Jest.

I've bought a new copy of Kant's Critique of Judgment, though I'll admit I've not reread it in even a cursory way nor have I replaced any marginalia. As for the DeLillo, I know I should read it, and probably will, sometime. As for Brief Interviews and Infinite Jest....

I'm not sure what to say. I've been thinking a lot about MSE in the past few days, thinking about who I was with him, thinking about what went wrong, thinking about the fact that he left those books when he so easily could have taken them (as he did my annotated Kant). I've also been thinking about the fact that I'm glad he didn't take those books: that those books are, for whatever reason, important to me, and that I'm glad I have them.

My mom called me re: the power outage, but made a point of mentioning that she'd heard about DFW's death on NPR that day, asked me if I knew who he was, because as she heard what he wrote about, and about his influences, she thought it might relate to my work. She was utterly inarticulate about it, because at the end of the day my mom does not understand my work really. But the fact that she felt like she needed to check in with me about this news meant something, not because of me so much, but rather because it showed me how far DFW's influence reaches. The writing that he produced is not at all about me. But it is relevant, as literature, if only because my mom can make that connection, between what I work on and what he achieved.

I'm so sad because of his death. I'm so sad that there won't be a next book. I'm so sad that the books I have are the books of the past and not just part of a collection of books that I'll come to have.

But because I'm an ass, I'm really happy I've got that signed copy of Brief Interviews, even if it doesn't have a dust-jacket and won't ever be worth much. Why that makes me happy? Well, that's a good question.

On Teaching Dirty Books

Today I had the fun in my upper-level course in my field of saying that the reason Notoriously Difficult Book ultimately was legally ruled not to be obscene was because, to paraphrase (I'm sure reductively), "it's just too much of a pain in the ass to read for people to want to masturbate to it." One of my students responded, "Well, that sounds like a challenge, doesn't it?"

Laughter all around.

I love academic freedom, and I love my students. Love, love, love.

Let There Be Light! Let There Be a Celebratory Glass of Wine!

The power has (knock wood that nothing goes awry) returned! Hurrah Power Company!

First, some things I discovered during my dark 3 days of the soul (and body):

• Reading with a flashlight - or with a sad little booklight - gives you a headache. It also can cause some neck/shoulder pain, until you find the "system" - which of course you will only discover just before power returns.
• Kitty cats enjoy it when it's dark and quiet all the time and when the windows are open and lots of people are out and about to observe.
• Eating meals out solo is actually really enjoyable. Though also it can make one feel lonesome when restaurants are packed with families and couples. But servers are super-nice and attentive, and one does feel strangely liberated by the whole exercise.
• It's also nice when lots of people have their power out because you know everyone is inadequately showered, if showered at all, and so it makes you worry less about your state of showeredness. This must be how hippie-type people feel all the time, or at the very least how they feel when they go to music festivals or similar.
• I have a real problem with being all philosophical in situations like power outages, i.e., I do not feel that the power outage was a "blessing" that taught me to appreciate electric power, in fact causing my joy when the power returned. Dude, I appreciate electric power all the time, and when I don't have it, I'm just pissed off. I am not better than that, nor do I think that it's essential for me to be better than that.
• There is little more awesome than hearing a stream of hoots and cheers coming from throughout one's apartment complex when power returns. Yes, Crazy's "woohoo!" was among the first of these.

Perhaps more later, but I thought I'd report that once again, Crazy and her lovely kittens have the joys of light in the nighttime.

In Which Crazy Considers Her Ability to Survive in Olden Times

Ok, well, there's not much to consider. Crazy would not have survived. Or maybe she would have, but she would have been very grumpy all the time.

See, Crazy needs electricity to be happy. No, really. It's true. She doesn't need television or radio or even computer/internet. She just needs fucking light and the ability to cook things on her stupid electric stove. (Note to self: must have gas stove when buy own home so can survive power outages without being completely bereft of things like warm food unless willing to forage in the world and to pay many many dollars in order to get it.)

All of the food in the fridge will need to be tossed. I may not have power again until the weekend. Except they're going to try really hard to give lots of people power back by tomorrow or Wednesday. So here is your charge: send good electricity vibes out into the universe for me, people. Otherwise I'll have to continue a) eating out for every meal, b) straining my eyes to read with a combination of candlelight and flashlight, and c) whining almost constantly.

More when I have power again.... unless I blog from campus (which is what I'm doing now, as I had to come here to get my cell phone charged so I could use it as an alarm clock in the morning so that I can teach my classes.)

True Confessions of a Ridiculous Person

I find myself wanting to give songs on Pandora that I don't like the thumbs up because I know I'm "supposed" to like the band. I also find myself feeling like I shouldn't give the thumbs up to Avril Levine (for example - and I apologize if I'm spelling her name wrong - I totally don't have the energy to look up how to spell her last name), even if, say, I was rocking out to the song before I went to check and see who it was.

The question is, who do I think is going to care what songs I like? It's not like anybody else sees the songs that I rate on Pandora. Who do I think I have to impress?

I do think, however, that this impulse is not unlike my impulse to cheat at solitaire. It also may have something in common with my teen-aged habit of looking at myself in the mirror when I would cry after a fight with my mom, because it mattered that I looked good crying... alone in my room?

That said, I'm done with the Binder until Monday. Which means that I can relax and think about all of the ways in which I'm ridiculous, which is infinitely more enjoyable than thinking of all the ways one can present one's ridiculous self so as to appear worthy of tenure.

Plugging Right Along

Ok, so the big nasty front of the binder letter is now done. After my tantrum last night, I tried to work for a while longer, but ultimately I gave up. So, after talking to my mom this morning, I sat down with the monstrosity again (as well as with the CV monstrosity), and I am pleased finally with both. So now, I think I'm going to take a break and have some lunch, and then I will head into the office for the super-fun task of printing out a bunch of crap and sticking it in plastic sleeves.

I still am going to have to go into the office on Monday to do last-minute wrangling of the thing before I give it to my mentor, but otherwise, I think I'm in good shape. As long as I don't procrastinate the afternoon away, that is :)

Note: Not Only Does Service Suck, But Also Writing about One's Service Sucks

You know why? Because it's all bullshit. Because the reality is that I do the service because it's the way to get tenure. Or at least I talk about it this way for that reason.

Fuck the Tenure Binder of Hideousness. Fuck It Straight Up the Ass.

That is all.

To Do

Well, readers, it is a gray day here in the land of Crazy, pissing rain, and for this here blogger, with her allergies to mold and pollen, let's just say that it is a potent cocktail that is enough to make one want to scratch out one's eyes. Well, if it were not for the two different kinds of allergy medicine that Crazy takes to stave off the symptoms of her malady.

Oh god. I'm talking about myself in the third person, like Suede. I will stop right now. And I really do apologize. I would try to argue that it's different because "Crazy" isn't really my name, but I'm fairly certain that "Suede's" name is also not the one he was born with. I feel his name at birth might have been Darryl. But I digress.

But so I'm writing because I really need to organize my thoughts and figure out what needs to get done on this shitty day. So, things to do, in subcategories:

For Tenure Binder:

• Update CV.
• Update main letter in the front.
• Update letters for the different sections, which I'd taken out in the spring (foolish! foolish!) and re-include them.
• Switch in most recent syllabi, and add in any new material that is floating around (a few letters re: service, mostly, and some evals, and the eval stats, though problematically all of that stuff needs to be found in the pile of rubbish that is my office, so this may take a wee bit of time). Oh, and some emails. Sigh.
  All that's left is to throw a few sample evals from the spring with good comments on them in there.
• Minor re-organization of the binder, though admittedly, it's probably fine as it is.
• Determine whether I should remove some things from the binder to be made available upon request, which I was just notified is a totally fine thing to do, according to the provost. Not sure whether that would be advantageous or not.
• Ooh! Add thing into my binder about the fact that an early article of mine is cited a number of times in this dude's book about a thing not in my field! (Discovered this during my searching for myself on Amazon. I feel very fancy.)
  
• Ask Mentor whether he can look the thing over at the start of next week.

For JWIBSNA plus One:

• Look over updated CV to see whether there's anything that needs to be reorganized for job searching purposes, and make those changes if I decide that it is necessary.
• Send CV to recommenders along with relevant address(es) and deadlines and ask for letters from them. This is the part of things that I least want to do.
• Order transcripts.
• My freaking letter, which as far as I can tell needs a semi-major overhaul. Yes, I already started working on this, but whatever. It needs work.

For Teaching:

• Type in questions/insights into blackboard for one class.
• Organize all info sheets in handy binder and xfer grades that I've not been recording systematically (stupid! Stupid!).
• Grade some quizzes.
• Lament the fact that even with the scolding email I sent yesterday to the online class they are NOT DOING THEIR FREAKING WORK. It's not rocket science, people. Just follow the syllabus and the assignments. And yet, apparently, they don't get that this course requires them to work consistently throughout the semester. It's not a correspondence course where you turn stuff in whenever you want without penalty. There's not much that I can do if they're just not doing the assignments. And not communicating with me about what they don't understand until it's too late. And not using all of the handy documents I've put together that take them step-by-step through the how-to's of the course. I'm really trying to think of how this could be my fault, because if it is my fault, it would be in my power to fix it. As it is? Well, it seems like there will be a lot of unhappy people come grading time.

For the Book:

• I know, I was totally done, right? Well, but apparently I'm not totally done. I have a few small teensy things that I must do and get in the mail by Monday, so that we'll meet the deadline for going to press. And then, in theory, though I don't really believe this, the thing will come out in October. That's right. Indeed, the Amazon page is already up (sans image of the cover, as that's to be ready next week, apparently).

For Research:

• Do I want to go to that conference in the early part of the Spring semester? If so, I need to figure out what abstract to submit.... Decided I'm not giving a paper if I am going, though plan to email the conference organizer with the offer of chairing a panel.

For Personal:

• Find out whether Hometown Pal J. is coming to visit on Saturday (though I think I'm going to encourage her not to come - supposed to rain all weekend, which will make for shitty driving and will throw a wrench into our plans which were outdoor ones).
• Clean my fucking pigsty of a house.

Yep, I do believe that's all. I think that I will practice my "60% of a list is a huge achievement" rule, and see whether I can make a dent in all of this crap that way. Wish me luck.

Because I'm a Big Nerd, An Announcement for MLA types

The job list is up.

Yes, they'd said it would go up tomorrow. They lied.

Water Bottle

So I mentioned that I bought a water bottle a while back, and that it took much deliberation to choose, so I thought I'd mention what I bought and give a wee review. I did not end up buying a Sigg bottle. A.) They were more expensive, B.) I'd have had to pay for shipping, and C.) I read the review about the "sports lid" and people seemed to think it was a pain. Oh, and then finally, I wanted something that wasn't a full liter but rather that was the size of a regular (i.e., a raping the earth size) water bottle. So I bought this. (18 oz. in orange sunset)

I've yet to receive the sports lid in the mail, but all in all, I may be in love. It is perfect. In all ways. And it is orange.

Water? Cold and decent-tasting. Weight? Light. Size? Easily hand-holdable in all scenarios. Yes, I fill it up multiple times in a day, but I'd rather have a smaller bottle and refill than a bigger bottle and have something more unweildy. It's the perfect size for lecturing in class, the perfect size for working out, and the perfect size to jam into my overstuffed bag.

So consider this an endorsement.

Teaching, Course Load, and Energy/Exhaustion

Every now and again, I'll be in a conversation with a person who teaches at an institution other than my own, and who teaches like 2 or 4 classes a year or something outlandish like that compared with the 8 a year (give or take) that I teach, and the conversation will turn to teaching. Inevitably, this person will say some version of the following:

"I can't believe that you teach that much! I don't think I could teach more than I do and survive it! Woe is me, with the 2-2 load! But moreso, WOE IS YOU! How do you stay in this profession?!?!"

Well, friends, I do manage somehow. Can I just note for the record, though, how freaking annoying it is when somebody says some version of the above to me? I often feel weirdly like they are congratulating me and pitying me at the same time, with a dash of assuming I must be a crappy teacher thrown in. It's an odd mix.

Now, I've gotten the above sort of commentary from a lot of corners. From grad school friends who've ended up in research-intensive jobs, from grad school mentors, from colleagues I meet hither and thither. When the comment first started cropping up, when I first began this job, I took it really personally, and it made me think that I should certainly be aiming for a lower teaching load because obviously to teach this much was white slavery or something. Then, later, I thought that while the people meant well that they were just weirdly out of touch with reality, as most people who work in this profession teach a load closer to mine than to theirs. Now, I feel like I've been doing this for long enough that I actually have a real response related to this matter. So here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

Number of students matters.
It's true that I teach four courses a semester. However, once the movement in the numbers is done (drops, withdrawals), I typically teach somewhere around 80 students in a semester (classes are capped around 25, and the web course I'm teaching is capped at 16). That's right: 80 students or so divided across four courses. Now, each individual student requires a certain amount of energy for the professor, even if one has TAs, even if that's just administrative energy. And in fact, one might argue, teaching that number of students in one course but with TAs can take as much if not more energy, because if one is a good instructor of TAs, one is actually teaching them while at the same time they're helping with grading and such. So the point here is that yes, I do teach more classes than some of my colleagues at research institutions, but I don't necessarily teach more students than they do.

Personality matters.
Some people aren't happy unless they're teaching in their area of specialization, or very close to it, most of the time. Other people do better when they've got a bit more variety. Some people aren't happy teaching non-majors/non-minors. Other people thrive when they teach a variety of kinds of students. Now, it's hard to know what kind of person one is until one is thrown into a particular job. Lots of people who end up at research universities have never had the opportunity to teach the range of students and classes that I regularly teach, so they don't really get how these things factor into what one does as a teacher. If I'm teaching a class that fulfills a general education requirement, for example, the kinds of things that I'm teaching will differ greatly from when I'm teaching a course with primarily majors. This still requires energy, but it requires a different kind of energy than teaching in my specialization. And this different kind of energy renews more quickly, at least in my experience, than does the other kind that I need to engage when I teach stuff that's more explicitly linked to my research. My aims are different, and the prep involved is different. For some people, this would be brutal. For me, variety is the spice of life.

Let's talk about # of preps and frequency of teaching certain preps
Now, I've got colleagues in my institution who have done everything in their power to limit the number of preps that they teach in a semester. It is entirely possible to teach a 4/4 with around 80 students/semester but to teach only two preps a semester, preps that repeat annually. While one is in the classroom for more hours per week than our friends at research universities, we nevertheless can be teaching just two courses and with a similar or lower number of students than people at research universities. Some people think that this is the way to go, as teaching the same courses with that frequency, while at the same time teaching sections, pretty much eliminates prep and the main outside-the-classroom work one does is grading. Such a schedule does, however, require that one be the sort of person who can stay on the same track in multiple classes when teaching sections (not my strong suit) and that one doesn't get bored by teaching the same stuff over and over again (also not my strong suit).

In contrast, I typically teach 4 preps a semester. Now, you might say, "This is madness, Crazy! What are you thinking! Why wouldn't you try to minimize the number of preps that you teach?!?!" Ah, good question. Well, as I noted, I get bored easily, and I suck with keeping multiple sections at exactly the same place in a syllabus. It's not an impossible thing for me to do, but it annoys me to have to do it. But let's delve more deeply into what that "4 different preps/semester" means in my practical day-to-day existence. Here's a version of my two-year schedule:

Fall: Class A, Class B, Class C, Class D
Spring: Class E, Class F, Class G, Class D
Fall: Class A, Class B, Class H, Class D
Spring: Class E, Class B, Class I, Class D

So no, I don't teach sections typically, but the repeating of preps means that I'm not teaching each course from scratch, typically, ever. I've been teaching A and E in the fall and spring since I started this job. B and D are more recent additions, but doing them semester after semester means that I'm about as solid with them as I am with A and E. C, F, H, and I are all courses in my specialization, and none is a brand new prep. I might change a text in or out, but the courses are "in the can" so to speak. The only new course I'll teach in the next two years is G, and that is in my wheelhouse of material and I've taught a very similar course in structure very recently. So, yes, I teach a lot of classes over a two year period. Nine, in fact. But seriously, I feel like that number is about right. It means that in a teaching-intensive job I can use my teaching to support my research - i.e., the stuff I teach is the stuff that I'm thinking about writing-wise, too. I do not do one set of work for teaching and then another set of work for scholarship. It's all the same. In other words, while this looks like a ton of teaching on paper, if one is thinking that the scholarly side of things is completely distinct from the teaching side, I'm probably doing about the same amount of reading/research as a person at a research university with a much lighter teaching load - just it counts for two parts of the job. Couple that with the fact that I teach about the same number of students in a semester (or perhaps even fewer) and I don't have to direct dissertations or serve as a reader for them, and ultimately, and we see that this teaching load really isn't so onerous. It's just one has to figure out how to negotiate the demands of teaching and the demands of research in a more conscious way. (Note, however, that in years 1-3 my life was a world of pain in getting all of this up and running. I shouldn't minimize that.) But this then leads to the next point.

Teaching can expand to fill the time available if you let it.
That's true if you've got a 2-2 load; that's true if you've got a 5-5 load. And the more time you spend doesn't necessarily mean that you are a better teacher or a more devoted teacher. It just means you're spending more time. If I've learned any lesson over the past five years, that is it. And having learned that lesson, I've realized that it's really not on me to set the world on fire in every class period. In fact, what happens in the classroom shouldn't be about me setting the world on fire. Now, that's not to say that I don't like to be a dynamic and engaging teacher. BUT - and this is an important but - my classroom isn't, most days, the Dr. Crazy Show. First, I want students to have ownership over what they get out of in my classes. It shouldn't (I don't think) be about what I bestow upon them but rather about what they themeselves can do. Second, if that is the case, I'm not being a good teacher if I'm hogging the spotlight and devoting every ounce of my time to "making" the classroom experience. I see my role, particularly in the service courses that I teach (A, B, E, and D) as one of facilitator less than as one of pontificator. Being the teacher doesn't, for me, mean being the center of the classroom enterprise. And once one believes that, it becomes clear that one shouldn't allow the work that one does as a teacher to suck all of the energy and time that one has away. In fact, I'm a better teacher if I have something left over at the end of the day.

But knowing that and doing what it takes to make that happen can be different things. Because when one is working on teaching, one feels like one is accomplishing something (a), one has the illusion that everything one does is super-duper important (b). And that is like a drug. Who doesn't want to feel all virtuous and important and productive all the time? So one has to be very vigilant about scheduling and about limiting the amount of time that one spends on teaching. Typically, I'm very good at this when it comes to grading and to prepping. If I fail, it's only in the area of the amount of time that I devote to individual students, and really, I don't see that as a failure. If I'm going to fuck up on the limiting my teaching time, I'd rather do it in the service of actual people than of "Teaching" as some grand good I do in the world.

I actually like interacting with most of my students, and doing so actually gives me energy.
This is a really, really important component of thriving with this kind of a teaching load. See, I don't see students (most of the time) as a time-suck or as an energy-suck. They don't take away from the non-teaching work that I want to do. Actually, I see them as motivation, and really without them, I'm not certain I'd be as productive as I am in the scholarship side of things. Actually, I'm almost sure I wouldn't be.

Practice makes perfect.
At least in my experience, teaching more made teaching easier. I became a lot more comfortable running my classes, a lot more willing to forgive myself when an individual class meeting didn't go so wonderfully (which is much easier to do when one has so many class meetings in the course of the semester), and a lot more confident that I knew what the fuck I was doing. I think the learning curve on all of that would have been steeper had I taught less over the past five years, if how I felt about teaching in grad school, when I never taught more than 1 or 2 classes in a semester, is any indication. Things like generating discussion no longer require real thought for me - they're just ingrained things that I know how to do. Similarly, I have a much better sense of how I work best in the classroom, how to put together a lecture, whatever. I don't labor over what I do in the classroom so much because, paradoxically, I've already done so much time laboring in and for the classroom.

So, now for the practical. How does one "survive" a heavy teaching load?

1. Understand that different classes call for different levels of engagement on your part. If you're teaching classes to a wide range of non-majors, understand that you do not need to give lengthy lectures about the minutiae of scholarship about every single thing that you're covering (they won't be into that anyway) and that really your role is to get them excited about the study of literature and to give them the tools to engage with literature in a critical, analytical way.
2. Teach what relates to your own scholarship, as much as is possible. I can't emphasize this enough. The whole "two birds with one stone" thing really makes a huge difference, and it makes one much less resentful of one's students, if one is inclined to resent them. (Note: the relationship can be somewhat tangential. This isn't just about teaching one's dissertation or book or whatever, although it can be.)
3. Think about assignments not only in terms of what students "should" do but also in terms of your own energy investment in terms of grading, and once you've done that, be creative in terms of how you design assignments and respond to them. The point here isn't to dumb down one's courses or to eliminate grading, but rather to be realistic about what you want students to achieve (and about what they can achieve reasonably in the course of a semester) and to be realistic about your ability to give them useful feedback. (In other words, it does nobody any good to assign a weekly response paper if you won't have time to read/comment on them weekly. Better to assign four and to give really substantial feedback. This is just one example.)
4. Teach repeat preps as much as possible, whether across semesters or in sections. I know not everybody has the luxury of being able to negotiate this, but if you can work it, do. (And this is good advice for job-seekers, too, actually, in terms of things to look at when they see a heavy teaching load job. A 4/4 load at one institution may be infinitely more manageable than a 3/3 elsewhere, depending on how teaching assignments work.)
5. Bitterness about teaching typically makes people a) hate their jobs and b) do less well at teaching. With this kind of a load, you've got to find a way to make the teaching work for you, and you've got to get over resenting it. If you can't, then you'll be miserable. And if you're miserable, it's really hard to feign excitment in order to engage your students. And they do seem to respond better if they don't think you're miserable teaching them or teaching that particular class or whatever.

Now, I'm not saying that these are the only ways in the whole world to make teaching a heavier load work. I'm just saying that these are the things that I've found teaching such a load over the past five years. YMMV, and all that. But if you're one of those people who teaches a lesser load, and you like to pity/congratulate your pals who teach more, consider all of the above. It may not be so horrifying and tragic as you think. (Or maybe I'm just delusional, or maybe I'm really quite a phenomenal person, though I'm inclined to say that I'm probably not either, at least on most days :) )

Wednesday Already?

I think I'm seeing a pattern to how the blogging is likely to go this semester. Saturday-Monday will be heavy, for I shall have the energy of the weekend to spur me on to ever greater blogging heights, while Tuesday-Friday will be lighter, as I will be freaking exhausted and boring :)

One of the reasons I've not had a huge amount to say during the week though is because most of what's been taking my time has been unbloggable. Not because it's bad or anything, but rather because it's about stupid bureaucratic crap and committee work and departmental goings on and college-wide goings on and I don't like to blog at length or in detail about any of that because the point of this here blog is not to talk about my institution behind its back. I'd much rather talk about my institution to its face and think about lofty things like the state of the humanities when I blog.

Of course, things like thinking about the state of the humanities take a great deal of energy, so there we are.

But so I actually do have a real post I'd like to do, though, so I think I'm going to end this update-y one and make an actual real post. I will note that I have the energy for this because I have officially become my mother and I was fast asleep by 10 PM last night. According to the caller ID, I took no calls during my slumber, I am happy to report.

Dude, With the Phone Conversations While Asleep

For the second time (as far as I'm aware) I had a complete phone conversation (although he says brief) with FB while totally unconscious. I don't like the fact that I do this at all. That said, I suppose we can say it demonstrates a certain comfort level? Or something? Still, horrifying to be a sleep-talking 34-yr-old who has begun answering the phone in her sleep and having conversations and not remembering it. Much better to be a sleep-talking 20-year-old asleep at a fraternity house and to wake up random people in the room one fell asleep in because one is sitting straight up in bed and saying, "No, I am not being uncooperative!" in a very loud voice. And yes, that really happened.

Liz Phair, Latoya, and a Break from Righteous Indignation and Rambling about Chores

If you haven't been reading Latoya's recent posts over at Feministe, get your asses over there. Latoya normally blogs at Racialicious, too, so you can find more of her stuff there. I read Feministe all the time, and I always am happy when I do, but every post Latoya has done has rocked my world. So consider this one of the few shout-outs I've ever given, and take that in the spirit that it's intended, i.e., this is really somebody that you'll want to read if you enjoy reading what I write here. Or at the very least if you'd like to know what I think kicks ass. Anyway.

I've been wanting since last week, though, to write in reaction to her post about Liz Phair's rerelease of Exile in Guyville. Latoya does all of the great linking to other posts about this re-release, so check out the link if you want to read more. And Latoya's post talks about feminist "click" moments, and how those are different depending on one's community and cultural references. Check out the comments to the post as well.

The reason that I want to respond to Latoya's post, though, is because 1) I got on the Liz Phair bandwagon right at that zeitgeist grrrrl-power moment and 2) I think that the whole "rerelease" thing, much like Alanis Morisette's re-release of Jagged Little Pill, is totally wack.

So here's the thing. I don't think that Exile in Guyville is, in itself, a feminist record. I think it's a record that honestly spoke to how I felt at 18-19 years old. It was a record that didn't pretend to that all that happened in a girl's life was fucking love (some hits from that year: "I Will Always Love You" (1), "Can't Help Falling in Love" (3), "That's the Way Love goes" (4), Dreamlover (8), and I'm not even going to talk about the fact that "Rumpshaker" was also a hit that year). The point is, while it's true that I had The Sugarcubes (and Bjork's Debut which was also released in 1993) and Kim Deal in The Pixies (and then in The Breeders, with 1993's Last Splash), I didn't have, even with my vaguely alterna-girl leanings, a chick who sang about what I was fucking going through. Liz Phair didn't sing like a pop-tart - on that album her voice is gravelly and she doesn't even try for the pop-friendliness of "Why Can't I?" - and in fact she sang in such a low register that first-soprano-from-high-school-choir-me found that one of the benefits of dabbling in smoking during college was getting my voice lower so as to sing along. I know, faulty logic, but you see what I'm saying. She wasn't, on the record (for I never saw a video from it), trying to be some chippy. She was just talking about what it was actually like to deal with assholes and with life and with everything.

And one of my favorite songs, "Canary" is rarely one that people talk about from the record. It's not one of the grrrl-power faves, and it's not about fucking and blowjobs and whatever. No, it's about the following:

I learn my name
I write with a number two pencil
I work up to my potential
I earn my name
I come when called
I jump when you circle the cherry
I sing like a good canary
I come when called
I come, that's all

This album, because of this song and other songs that never get talked about much, spoke to all of my anxieties about being ambitious and feeling like I couldn't do enough to please people, while at the same time it spoke to all of the developing sexuality crap that happens when a girl is in her late teens. It spoke to feeling like I wasn't enough and yet like so much was expected of me. It spoke to me feeling like I wanted to be so much and yet I didn't know how to get there.

And, for me, that's not about feminism. That's about adolescence. And sure, this album was, for me, about a girl version of adolescence, but it wasn't about feminism, not really.

So here's the thing: the rerelease thing? It felt like it was an attempt to capitalize on my adolescent angst. Or on some feminist zeitgeist that got imposed on an album that wasn't, actually, about making a feminist statement.

I can't claim the same identity category as Latoya, or as some of her commenters, but Queen Latifa's U-N-I-T-Y was a more pivotal feminist text for me than any song off of Guyville. Or Salt-N-Pepa, too. Or, let's kick it old school - Aretha Fucking Franklin. Or even Janet Jackson's "Control" or Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach." Liz Phair was awesome to me, but her record didn't make me a feminist, or even speak to me as a feminist. It just spoke to me. To the fucked up girl that I was just before I was 20. And I still love that record. But dude, the rerelease? Lame. And I'm saying that as a fan.

Why Are the Humanities Oversupplied?

So I found my way to a thread over at the Chronicle of Higher Education forums in which the above title is the starting point for what is an ok discussion I suppose. Reading through it, though, I don't know. I suppose I feel compelled to weigh in, since so many readers here are from the Oversupplied Humanities, as am I.

I suppose the question is a fair enough one - if one is thinking only in terms of market forces and supply and demand and all that - except that there are two things that bother me:

1. The question assumes that people make all decisions a) with all possible information and b) rationally. (Here's a tip: getting a PhD in any field isn't a highly rational decision.)
2. The subtext of the question, I think, is that if there aren't jobs in a field that advanced study in that field - or even the field itself - is without value.

Now, I'm going to leave a discussion of other humanities disciplines by the wayside here and instead just focus on English as a discipline, as it's the one I know best. So. Why the oversupply in English?

First, "oversupply" is in fact just a "supply," i.e., universities (particularly large ones with intensifying demands to increase enrollment/retention to graduation) cannot run mandatory freshmen composition or a general studies curriculum with English requirements without a large pool of people to teach those courses. This is why to compare the state of English with, say, accounting (or nursing, or other similarly "undersupplied" fields), doesn't make much sense. Let's put to the side for the moment that there are more real-world opportunities with a BA in accounting, and just focus on how accounting fits into the broader curriculum. As things are set up at most universities, "accounting" doesn't play a role in the broader curriculum. It serves its majors and minors, and perhaps students may take a course or two as electives, but the bottom line is that accounting as a field does not play a role that serves the entire university in the way that a field like English does.

Now, you might say, but we don't need everybody who teaches gen. ed. courses to have an advanced degree! This is crazy! Ah, but. According to the accreditation standards of the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools (to give an example of just one accrediting body in higher ed), in order for a university to keep its accreditation, it cannot run courses with faculty who do not demonstrate their qualifications by having a certain number of graduate courses (or the equivalent) under their belts. In other words, if a school said, "We don't believe it's right to have all of these underemployed PhDs and MAs teaching comp, so we're just going to run a one-semester course about how to teach comp for anybody who's interested and that's how we'll staff those courses," they would lose their accreditation. In other words, the accreditation system pretty much demands that universities hire people with advanced degrees run all of its English courses. With that being the case, universities need a supply of labor that can fulfill that need, and it's just impossible in terms of cost to fulfill that massive general education need with only full-time and/or tenure-track faculty.

So, what is the solution to this? Either the lowering of accreditation standards (a) or the entire revamping of American education, which would also involve changing accreditation standards (b). Probably neither are likely.

With all of this being the case, the discussion over at the Chronicle turns, as you might expect, to a question that is actually not identical to "Why are the humanities oversupplied?" The question becomes, instead, "Why do people choose to enter fields that are oversupplied? What's wrong with these fools?" So let's think about this. Why would someone, an otherwise bright and normal person, choose to pursue years of advanced study in a humanities field, or more specifically, English? First, let's remember that there isn't an oversupply. There's just a supply, with some people compensated adequately and other people who are exploited. In other words, when a student looks at his university, what he will often see is that the English department is one of the biggest on campus, that they offer more courses more frequently than other departments, and that they "do what they love." This student, based on practical experience, sees only "supply."

Now, good mentors should tell the student about the realities of how this supply of labor is organized, but let's think about who is most likely mentoring students toward grad school: it's typically going to be tenured or tenure-track professors doing that work. So are students who don't internalize that advice just filled with delusions of their own grandeur? I'd say no. I'd say part of the problem is where their advice is coming from. If I tell a student the facts of the market, what they see is a person who in spite of those odds ended up with a "dream job." (Note: even if you teach at a place that doesn't count as a "dream job" to academics, your students think that your life is the most awesome ever, or, as a clueless student put it to BFF last year, that "the life of a professor is lucrative and rewarding.") In other words, again based on what they see, it's not so wrong for them to assume that with hard work and perseverence that they, too, will beat the odds and end up just fine.

Another factor in choosing to go on to advanced study in English (and I'm talking about literature specifically here) is that students who are attracted to doing so typically a) really like reading literature, b) really like writing research papers, and c) really excel at both of those things. It is not true that you can't get a real-world job with a BA in English - the skills are translatable to the real world - but it is true that whatever job you might get with that BA probably won't allow you to write research papers or to read and study literature. In other words, students who get BAs in English and who don't go on to grad school don't just end up homeless and unemployed - they do get jobs, and they are comfortable with having a job to pay the bills while they read in their spare time. But what if you really want to do something with your degree that allows you to develop those skills that you've excelled at even further? What if you are passionate about the subject and you want to think about it more deeply? Dude, that's kind of the point of grad school in non-applied disciplines. (It can be the point in applied disciplines as well, but I would argue that in applied fields the point may also be a lifestyle point, one in which they weigh the benefits of a more flexible schedule, of the rewards of teaching, etc. But at least as far as I know, most people who choose advanced studies in English don't begin with those concerns. Or those who do typically don't finish.)

So the question is, is this a foolish reason to go on to graduate school? I'd say it's only a foolish reason if one believes that the deeper study of material in this field and through this disciplinary perspective is valueless.

And the idea that the discipline is valueless does come through in the discussion as well, as posters posit that people choose grad school in the humanities, with English as a prime example, because it's "easier" than other fields. Oh, they go on, too. They also say that the grade inflation in "text-based" fields makes them more attractive majors for students, which then leads them down the slippery slope to grad school. You know, I don't know how it's possible to refute this point, because clearly anybody who would claim that getting a freaking PhD is "easier" in one field than another can't be reasoned with, as far as I'm concerned. Dude, getting a PhD is hard no matter what the discipline. And people don't choose PhD fields based on the "ease" of the field, as far as I'm aware. Who would devote that much time to doing something based on its relative easiness? We're talking 8-10 years in grad school minimum for most humanities PhDs. Seriously? People would choose to put their lives on hold that long because it seemed easier? Come on. You know what, just because English is most people in this country's first language does not mean that the disciplinary study of English literature - or of composition and rhetoric - is something that people are born knowing how to do. Just because a person is literate it doesn't mean that they know how to critically engage with and analyze a work of literature, nor does it mean that they know how to structure and compose a stylistically nuanced piece of prose. I mean, I can balance my checkbook and do my own taxes - does that mean I know everything my colleagues in accounting know? That it's "easy"? I've got some Band-Aids and Neosporin in the house, so does that mean nursing would be a breeze? Heck, I'm even familiar with chemistry - I cook, you know - so that must mean that I could just run off and get a Ph.D. in chemistry.

As you see, this "easiness" argument really irritates me. I suspect it would also irritate my students, because if this is supposed to be easy, they sure should get higher grades than they do from me.

So maybe let's stop thinking about the humanities as oversupplied. Maybe that's just a distraction from the real issues in play here. Maybe what we need to think about is the inequalities in how labor in the humanities is organized, and maybe we need to think about why we as a culture are so comfortable in dismissing the significance of these disciplines that are - paradoxically - central to most universities' core curriculums. If the humanities are easy and valueless, perhaps they shouldn't be part of the general education curriculum. Perhaps all of the required classes should be in business, math, and science. And then I could teach classes that self-select based on interest level, I wouldn't be required to teach everybody across the university how to write, and that would be that. Now, I don't believe that is how it should go, but you know what? Instead of talking about how people who choose to do this are stupid, or talking about how easy the fields are, or talking even about how faculty in grad programs are unethical for supporting large graduate programs in these fields, we should talk about why the humanities are central to what it means to be an educated person, and we should talk about why we insist on devaluing them.

Ok, I'm done now :) I've wasted like an hour writing this, and I really have crap I should be accomplishing.

Scattered Thoughts for a Monday

I feel like I want to post, but I don't really have some burning thing I'd like to discuss, so I'm going to ramble here for a bit, and then I will go about the business of getting going with the things on my to-do list.

First of all, an update on the web-based course.

You will note that I'm not using the word 0nl*n& anymore, as apparently that invites the spam comments that direct people to Educational Institutions of Ill-Repute, and I don't want to be a part of that whole thing, nor do I relish the task of having to delete such crap. But so anyway, Week 3 of the semester is now underway, and I think I have a sense of how things are going and will go.

First, I am so glad that I took the advice of a colleague, who discouraged me from including any actual content material during the first week. Most of the students enrolled in the course are not familiar (or are only barely familiar) with web-based courses or with the technology that they require - even technology as simple as sending an email attachment that is readable by MS Word. Having that first week to get people up to speed was essential in terms of making sure that I didn't end up beginning already behind. I should note, my course is pretty low-tech, all things considered, in part because I ended up not having support I was supposed to have in terms of making it fancier, and in part because I suspected that the tech-savvy-ness of the students would be questionable.

Second, because I did so much ahead of time and because I thought very carefully about making the course as student-centered (and as manageable for me) as possible on the front end, it really is feeling not terribly burdensome. I'd estimate that I'm spending somewhere around 1/2 hour-1 hour per day dealing with the course, and then I spend maybe 3-4 hours one day a week really updating the course site, doing online office hours, etc. And that's it. There isn't prep in the same way as with a traditional class (as I had to read and watch everything on the syllabus ahead of time and all of the assignments are done), so truly, this is turning out to be less of a time investment thus far than "normal" teaching. The grading will begin this week (for the course blog), so we'll see how I feel once that gets underway, but for now, I'm really feeling pleased that I took on the challenge of teaching this course. I'll talk more about how I structured it and how it works as the semester goes on, if people are interested. I will say this: it helps SO MUCH that I've been blogging all of this time in terms of managing the blog as the central community space in the course. That part of things feels very familiar, and that is going a long way toward making this a positive experience for me and for my students, I think. Also, can I just say: the students in the class seem (for the most part) really great! They all seem excited by the theme of the course, and they seem to be enjoying the material and finding the prospect of what the course aims to do useful and interesting. I was in no way certain that this would be the case, so hurray that it is!

My three traditional classes.

Are all going fine. I've taught versions of them all before, and the start of the semester at least is pretty much a well-oiled machine. Things will get more interesting as I move forward (some changes after midterm) but basically for now it's smooth sailing and I don't have anything of note to report.

Research.

Well, to be honest, I'm in a lull. I've done with the final tweaking of the book proofs, and in theory the thing will be out next month. I'm waiting to hear back about that journal article I submitted in June, and it certainly would be nice if it were to be accepted, though if not I'll send it off someplace else. Still, it would be awfully nice if it were accepted, and very soon, too, as then I could include it in my tenure crap. It also wouldn't hurt in terms of beefing up my application for JWIBSNA.

JWIBSNA.

Can I just say how annoyed I am that I'm applying for anything? But, one thing that is nice is that I'm pretty chill this year about the prospect of it going nowhere. This is different from previous attempts on the market in the past couple of years. I do want to do well this go-around, but I also feel like the chances of that are so small that I can maybe, I hope, not be an obsessive freak over the whole thing. Note: in writing about this now, I'm already probably being an obsessive freak. Whatever. The point is, after this year I know I'm pretty much locked in where I am (if I'm not already locked in given how far along I am on the t-t), so I might as well make one last pass through the assistant professor market, even if it's not a full or even small search but only one job. A variety of people have asked whether I'll apply for more, given that I'll already have to put shit together for this one application. Truth: maybe. I can tell you what I won't do: I won't talk myself into applying for random jobs that look great on paper just because I'm applying for this one. The appeal of this one job, aside from the good-on-paper-ness of it, is that it would be very easy for me to fall into a life in that location. I have no interest in packing my bags and hustling off to an unfamiliar location or to a location that takes me farther from family. I have no interest in starting completely over, in terms of my personal life. So. I'll see what's there when the list comes out this week, and then I'll make my requests for recommendations, and that will be that. I don't want to apply anywhere half-heartedly ever again. I've worked too hard for too long for that to be something I do. And I'm not applying for "dream jobs" just because they're there without taking the personal part of the equation into account. Let other people have those "dream jobs," I say. It's just not worth it. So probably JWIBSNA (a dream job in its own right) will come to nothing, but at least I know it would be a job that I'd really want and like a shot at. This is so different from how it felt applying last year and the year before. And maybe the reason I feel this way is because I've finally come to terms with my current location.

Tenure.

Dude, the going up for tenure thing is so weird! I need to get on the actual polishing of the binder, so it's not the act of putting the stuff together that's weird. What's weird is that there has been a total shift with many of my colleagues now that I'm in the final year, in which all of a sudden I'm getting all of this behind-the-scenes information to which I never before was privy. It is truly astonishing how clueless I've been over the past five years about the goings on with my colleagues. Astonishing.

Yep, so I think that's everything that's going on.

And now I need to do house-cleaning, shower, and go get my hair cut this afternoon. The hair, in case you were wondering, continues to grow, and I'm not yet feeling the urge to lop it off. I think that my ultimate aim is to have it exactly like this. Well, not exactly. Bangs that long would be impossible. But yes, that's what's happening hair-wise. And once I achieve that? I suspect I'll enter the phase of Growing out the Bangs, and then I'll do the Great Hair Transformation of 2009/2010, which will include cutting it all off.

I know, you have been dying to know my Hair Agenda. It's really something most people are feverish to get the inside scoop about.

But really, now. It's time for me to get to work. I'm ridiculously lazy, and this cannot continue.

Sunday Kitten Porn

Ok, so my lovelies have been so darling today that I could not stop myself from taking some pictures.

First, here is (less and less wee by the day) Mr. Stripey by the d-o-g bowl with the water. And yes, each cat has two bowls, because my stupid vet was all "they should eat both wet and dry food" and so, yes. Anyway, now you see the (messy, for Mr. Stripey does do the playing by the food thing) set-up.
And then, just at the moment that my mom called this morning, the two frisky felines decided it was time for some pre-nap grooming...

and then a snooze....

You can't stand it, can you? It's just too much cuteness for mere mortals. Other than being the Official Kitten Photographer, I have spent the day cheffing up meals for the week. I might be the most boring person in the world.

In Which I've Already Been Up and Working for Two Hours

Awakened by the early riser that is Man-Kitty, and unable to return to sleep, I have done the following:

1. Devised a tip sheet for my web-based course about how to use the chat function in Blackboard.
2. Reviewed FB's job letter, offering "suggestions" about how to shape the thing. I feel like Hermione Granger "editing" Ron's or Harry's essay for potions.
3. Worked on my own job letter, which is far too long and yet which, tragically, does not say all of what it needs to say.

And now I'm a) tired, b) without much time for a return to bed because my mom will call very soon, and c) hungry, even though I hate all food options.

I believe that I shall return to bed with the phone, so that I shall be able to answer the phone when my mom calls without having actually to move. I think it's really the only thing to do.

Laundry and Other Items

Today I have done laundry. A month's worth of laundry. It is still not folded. I must fold it (as well as put sheets on the bed) before bedtime or all will be lost.

Yep, that's pretty much it for today's household activities, much to the dismay of all of the beings that live here. The "to-do" list for around-the-house chores is really much larger.

In other news, I need to:

1. Catch up with more people via phone (I'm tragically behind in my phone-talking, even after spending hours on the phone today while performing laundry duties.)
   
2. Work on my job letter for The Job for Which I'd Be Stupid Not to Apply (henceforth known as JWIBSNA), even though doing so is the last thing I really feel like doing.
3. Update my CV (for JWIBSNA, though as well as for my tenure binder).
4. Work on tenure statements (though these are mostly done, and I won't be doing these this weekend even though it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to be doing that this weekend).
5. Work on "suggestions" for FB's job letter for the Job at Crazy's Institution (JCI), for which he keeps hounding me. As I indicated to him, I am not his slave, and he will have to wait while I take my own sweet time with this project. There was then a discussion of "the muse" needing to visit me, and then I rejected the premise that I need the muse for such mundane bureaucratic tasks.... Yeah. Anyway.
6. Teaching Crap.
   
7. Did I mention I need to fold laundry?

As you can see, it's a wild and wacky Saturday at the House of Crazy.

Seriously? Seriously.

I just got my proposed schedule for Spring. Apparently I have been assigned a new prep, which I had not at all anticipated. On the one hand, this is a good course to have in my repertoire. And it's one I have previously expressed interest in teaching. On the other, a new prep? Really?

And since when did one of my specializations become theory? Because apparently, this is one of my specializations now. And can I just say: I'm not so fancy with the theory at all, and I kind of feel like it's weird that I'm now this "theory person" when in truth I see myself as more of a sort of traditional, practical literary critic than a "theoretical thinker" or some such. I suppose in these cases context is all.

Perhaps I will stay home on this gloomy Friday, forgo that reception, and begin designing a course that I will not teach for months. That's always an effective use of time.

In Which I'm a Spaz, and Other Non-Exhausted Ramblings

Ah, how good it feels not to have to go into the office today. Now, I am very likely to go into campus this afternoon for a reception thingie (I think it would look good for me to be there, and really, why not go in for something social though work-related as opposed just to go in for work? Though I may possibly bail depending on my mood), but still: the benefit of the intense 3-day schedule is the break at the end of it. This morning I took the wee Mr. Stripey (who grows less wee by the minute - he's 6 lbs. now! Which means he's tripled in size since I got him!) to get his last round of shots this morning. You know, I really hate my vet. He's such a dick. And I feel like he likes Mr. Stripey better than he likes the Man-Kitty, which is totally uncool. And we had to wait in the exam room for a half hour before he sauntered in. But I do trust the asshole, so I won't change to a new vet. It's all very annoying. At any rate, you don't believe me about Mr. Stripey's increased size? Just take a gander at this picture of him and his partner in crime.
Not the best picture, but it does give a sense of the fact that Mr. Stripey is no longer a wee baby. Apparently, according to the vet's lame non-estimate, he'll end up being about the same size as Man-Kitty, though I still feel like he could grow to be the size of a small jungle cat. In other cat news, I finally bit the bullet and purchased a (sh! don't tell the kitties) dog bowl for them for their water. See, Mr. Stripey is a big fan of bringing his toys over to the food area to play, and the bowl I had used for their water - just a regular metal bowl - kept getting knocked over. Also, the bowl wasn't really big enough for them to drink from at the same time. A d-o-g bowl was truly the only option because the Man-Kitty prefers to drink from metal bowls (a) and because we needed something that foolish animals wouldn't topple over, and they really only cater to dogs when it comes to that. At any rate, the new bowl has been a raging success. (The kitties don't share their food bowls because I fear if they did the Man-Kitty might starve to death. So we're a cat family that has a communal water dish but then tiny bowls for food, with the Man-Kitty's being metal (for he is finicky like that and will not eat out of plastic or ceramic dishes) and ceramic for Mr. Stripey. While sometimes they switch spots if they're just grazing (well, Mr. Stripey will eat from the Man-Kitty's bowls), both have learned that they have their own spots at breakfast and dinner - Mr. Stripey on the right of the water bowl and Man-Kitty on the left. Indeed, the House of Crazy is a House of Routines.

Ok, enough of the cat-blogging. And funnily enough, that above nonsense wasn't the whole "in which I'm a spaz" thing that drove the title of the post. No, that spazziness was in relation to the whole "FB is to apply for a job at Crazy's University" situation. See, I had gotten it into my head that he'd never be happy working here, and this would then lead him to resent and hate me and blame me for doing something that would ruin his life. This is spazzy for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that the whole application thing could maybe not even result in an interview. Cart before the horse much? And then it's spazzy because in expressing my angst over this to him, he thought I was trying to say that I wouldn't want him to apply, which wasn't true at all. And then it's spazzy because, as FB rightly noted, one can't know whether one will be happy someplace until one is there, and basically by worrying over this I'm being a total tool. He also comforted me by saying that I don't need to worry about him resenting me because obviously he already does :) This totally made me laugh. Because, you know, I'm a spaz. What's most spazzy about this whole thing - and this is equal opportunity spazziness on both of our parts and not just on mine - is it's not like we're actually in a "real" relationship and dealing with a two-body problem. So why be angsty, seriously? You know what's funny? I feel like even if we ended up in the same place, I think I like thinking of FB as "fake" as opposed to real. It just takes so much pressure off. Because you know, when you're in a "fake" relationship, you really can do whatever the hell you want without feeling like you're not doing things the "right" way. I mean, nothing about this is "right" so we might as well just do whatever, you know? The only benefit I can think of related to transitioning into the "real" with him would be that my mother would stop referring to him as "your friend" which is just... eeewww. I think she feels like she can't use his name because she's not entirely sure he exists, or if he does exist, in what universe. But the "your friend" thing - eeewww.

Let's see.... what else? Nothing really. I have work to do (obviously) but I feel as if the working can wait. I should also do laundry, but well, I'm not feeling terribly motivated. Nah, I think I will relax for a bit with the kitties and then decide whether to go to campus for that reception. Yep, that sounds like the best possible plan.

Week 2 = Done

That's just crazy-talk I realize, but yes, it's true, I am 1/8 of the way through my semester. Am so tired I could collapse on the spot. I certainly hope that I get into the groove sooner rather than later, because I can't keep feeling so wiped out. Totally not possible. So I must go lie down with some certain felines who would like attention. They feel that my exhaustion is actually positive, as it means they get more cuddly nap-time with me. It also makes them more confident that I am in fact just a very large cat without very much fur, when I sleep as much as they do. When I don't, they begin to have suspicions about me. How do I know? Well, because they look at me suspiciously, obviously.

God, I'm too tired to be blogging. More tomorrow, or some other time when I feel like a person again.

Too Tired to Think in Bullets (Yes, That IS Possible)

I think it's because I tend to think in bullets for teaching purposes. Five things that characterize the Romantic period. Three things going on in this poem. Whatever. (My apologies to google searchers who want to know five things about the Romantic period. You will have to consult your notes and/or your book. I'm mean like that.) But so anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking in bullets, and so I want to write, but I can't organize these thoughts into bullets. Consider this my apology for rambling.

I had a great meeting with BES, my thesis student, today. She's so smart! And she takes direction so well! She is so trusting that when I tell her to do something that it will bear fruit! And she's so diligent! However, I had one of those awful moments today during our meeting when I realized the undue influence that I can tend to have over certain ones of my students. We were talking about some theory she was looking at to figure out again why she was writing her thesis, and she brought up a passage and offered up her answer to the question that the theorist was asking. Let's just say that her answer is my answer. And so I chuckled, and I said "well of course!" but then I went on to explain that this is evidence of my undue influence, and so she should be careful to resist anything that I am in total agreement with :) We both laughed, and she totally got my anxiety about it, and she promised she would try really hard not to think like me, even though she thinks we're both totally right. Ah, BES. She is fab. So we had a good meeting today, and I offered up some possibilities for ways she can go as she continues drafting (she did not do any writing for this meeting - she needed to figure some shit out before she continued), and we set up our schedule for the semester. I then picked her brain about how she thought Class with Very Difficult Novel was going, and she thinks that it's really going well and that people are into it.

This is surprising, as this is a class where I typically expect a mass exodus upon beginning Very Difficult Novel. Well, they're 6 chapters in, and I've lost just four. It's kind of astonishing to me, but looking at their reactions over the past couple of class periods (I make them turn in index cards with insights and questions each class), they're, with the exception of one or two, getting it and doing well. Sure, some are stronger than others, but as a group they're where I'd want them to be with this material. And, like BES, they all are so trusting about doing what I suggest with the book! They're so... open. I hope that I'm getting this response from students now - in pretty much all of my classes - because I'm doing something right. I'm hoping that it's not just a fluke of this semester, but that I've really worked on my teaching to the point that not only do I inspire trust but that I prove myself trustworthy by having them approach things in ways that work.

But so I'm excited about CwVDN, as I am about my other classes. I'm also convinced that with a 4/4 load, teaching one class online really makes it like a 3-and-a-half/3-and-a-half load. Yes, that class was a ton of up front work, but I'm not feeling terribly taxed by the four courses now that the semester is underway, and this is a new feeling. Yes, it helps that the other three courses I'm teaching are "in the can" so to speak, but even still: I'm not feeling like I'm burdened - as I even did when I taught four classes "in the can" in a traditional setting. So if you've got the opportunity to teach online, and you're not horrified by the thought of doing so and you're fairly tech-friendly and you've got some support for things that you aren't sure of how to do, I strongly recommend trying it out. At least for me, I think it makes a positive dent in an otherwise really heavy teaching load.

Which brings me to a conversation that I had with a colleague today. This colleague is thoroughly disheartened by the teaching load and by how things work at our university in general. You know, I get the complaints. I mean, I understand them. But I also feel like being miserable is no viable option for dealing with those complaints. This colleague basically plans to check out (and has already done in many ways). But as I talk to this colleague, I feel like she only becomes more unhappy with the job as a result of this choice. It's one thing if one can check out and really not be unhappy as a result. It's entirely another if one continues to feel disgruntled. You know, I think that's the reason why I don't check out. I think it's because I'd just be more pissed off if I did. Also, I suppose, it's because I'm seeing positive results from not checking out. Sure, during the school year, my job is "hard" in ways that other jobs are not. (Not to say that other academic jobs aren't hard: just that they're differently hard.) But I kind of think that accepting the job as it is in the ways that it's hard and actively working to change things to make it easier is a better response than passively lamenting the job as it is and the ways that it's hard, only to feel victimized and oppressed by it. Dude, nobody said that life would be easy, and nobody said that one is entitled to a perfect, happy life, even if one works for years to get a Ph.D. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time, though, so I think a lot of what I do - and a lot of my workaholism - actually is because I don't want to be constantly pissed off. This may seem counterintuitive, but that's how it is for me.

In a piece of bizarre and unexpected news, you know how I'd decided not to apply for anything this year? I think I have to do so. There's a job - what would be a great job, though I'm not hopeful they'd be into me - only an hour (driving slow) from Hometown. Note: I don't want to apply for any jobs this year. The thought is awful. I'm sick of going on the market. More than that, I'm sick of not being settled where I am, and applying for jobs unsettles me. But I think I can't not do it. Whatever the case, I'm not going to MLA to interview, and if that's a deal-breaker for them, they can suck it. Obviously, I'll offer to do a version of an MLA interview either in person (at my expense) or by phone, but who even knows if things would get to the point where that will be an issue. So I'll apply. It doesn't hurt to apply, right? There is also a job at a university in Lebanon for an English professor. I considered applying for a minute-and-a-half, until I realized I don't want to emigrate to Lebanon. If any of you would like to, though (the job doesn't specify a field in literary studies), you should totally do it because it's at a job in the North in an off-the-beaten-path place (i.e., not a hotbed of violence) no more than a 30-minute drive from where my family is (on the sea, in a city), and it would be fantastic if one is less of a dumb American than me. So if you're interested in knowing more about the country and that area in particular, dude, let me know. The job's listed in the Chronicle. Seriously: if I weren't in a tenure-track job and I didn't want to settle down where I am or near to here, I totally might consider it.

I'm exhausted by the whole Sarah Palin thing. Just exhausted. I mean, the day that the VP makes it to this website is the day that I think we all should be exhausted by it. Oh, and also the day that CNN interviews Rachel from the Real World San Francisco (which was today - I saw it.) I'm sick of hearing Republicans act as if the Republican party is the party that fights sexism (um, equal pay act anyone?), and I'm sick of the hullabaloo about poor Bristol Palin and her baby daddy (and poor the both of them for having to make an appearance at Sarah Palin's VP acceptance speech to prove they're together and that it's all about family values rather than allowing those two crazy kids just to get out of dodge and figure their own shit out), and I'm sick of the totally inadequate response by the Dems to the fact that we've all, as a nation, been distracted from things like universal health care, the economy, and energy. I don't even care whether Sarah Palin has experience or not at this point: I just care that she's become this shiny, sparkly thing that catches our eye and stops us from talking about things that actually matter to Americans in their daily lives. Incidentally, I felt the exact same way about the whole Clinton fiasco that started with Whitewater and ended with Monica Lewinsky, which ultimately resulted in the piece of legalistic porn that was the Starr Report. I'm an equal opportunity hater when it comes to distractions from, I don't know, things that actually matter, at least when it comes to politics. So fuck off, Sarah Palin. Fuck off, politicians. Fuck off, pundits and parties and whatnot. Until you start talking to me again, I shun you.

I think those are all of my rambling thoughts on this Wednesday. Indeed, I think I'm done. Let's hope that I can make it through tomorrow, because dude, I am tired.

The Semesters May Change, But Some Things Stay the Same

So I had all of these awesome plans for the weekend. Like to get a lot done and stuff. And then I thought, oh, I don't need to work on Friday. Saturday's the day. So then Saturday I did some stuff for my web-based course, and then it was like 1 PM and well, clearly that was enough for Saturday. And then it was Sunday, and though I finished that reader's report, a hurricane was coming, and I do love me some hurricane coverage with that Anderson Cooper. And I thought: Monday. Monday will definitely be the day.

I did go and get kitty food and litter, and I did go to the grocery store. And I did send a stern email to the web-based course, for a number of them are already behind. Indeed, for those who might consider taking a web-based course sometime, there are deadlines, and you can be behind after the first week. The deal is not that you just work independently at your leisure and then turn some shit in at the end for a grade. At least not when Dr. Crazy is at the helm.

All of that was exhausting. And I really needed to take a nap. And then I had to spend a HUGE amount of time comparing water bottles on Amazon (I've got an Amazon visa and so had 25 bucks to spend), for I don't want to rape the earth with buying disposable bottles of water at the store. Also, in addition to raping the earth, doing so is much more expensive than buying a nice water bottle. But the Sigg bottles seemed less handy in terms of their shape, and the whole lid thing because I want to take the bottle for working out, too, but the colors were pretty, and I needed something dishwasher safe because lord knows I'm not going to wash things by hand (you should see my sink currently - for the dishwasher is filled with clean dishes that I've yet to put away, because I am a filthy, filthy girl) - and then I needed to read some reviews....

But now, here we are, at nearly 8 PM, and I did not clean my house, and I did not prep for my one class tomorrow, and did I mention that my house is a pigsty?

And isn't this something I do typically during the academic year, where I just check out on the weekend and don't do the things on my list of things to do? Indeed, it is a thing that I typically do.

I am choosing to forgive myself, as it seems I always end up just fine at the end of the day, even with my slatternly ways. Of course they do.

Poor Bristol Palin

Not because she's pregnant. She seems to have the support of her family and the father of the baby, and that's great, and I believe in supporting a woman's right to choose in all cases, whether that's to choose not to become pregnant, to choose abortion, to choose adoption, or to choose to bring a pregnancy to term and keep the baby, so I'm going to assume that this was her choice and celebrate it.

But I cannot imagine how much it would suck to be 17, in her position, and to have first rumors that my little bro was in fact my kid and then to have those rumors squashed by the nationwide announcement that I was a prospective unwed teen mother. Holy hell. I think I might change my name* and move to Alaska.**


*Though I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'd probably want to change my name whatever was going on with my mother's political career or my personal life if my name were Bristol, for any number of reasons. But perhaps this is just me. At least I have fond (though blurry) memories associated with Harvey's Bristol Irish Creme, which is more than I can say for the associations that I have with trig.

**Wait. Alaska wouldn't work in this situation. Perhaps New York City or something.