Sunday, August 31, 2008

Peer Review, or Who the Hell Do I Think I Am?

So I just finished reading, writing the reader's report for, and submitting the reader's report for a manuscript that I agreed to evaluate for Very Good Journal, and I'm left feeling... Oh, I'm left with a lot of feelings.

First, can I just say that this is service I really, really like. In theory. Even though it's basically invisible. I like reading stuff that may be the Newest Thing in my field, I like feeling like an expert who has something to contribute to scholarship seeing the light of day, and I like feeling like I can offer feedback that writers can actually use.

But. I've done this now exactly two times (for I'm not all that much of an expert), and in both instances I recommended that the articles be rejected. And that kind of nullifies most of what I listed above about liking this kind of service. Because it sucks to know that I may be responsible for somebody not getting a publication. I don't like that at all. And it also sucks to wonder whether my thoughts about the relative publishability of something are fucked up, and to wonder whether I'm being an asshole, and if I am, whether that actually makes editors think that I'm an asshole and so they won't ever ask me to review again. And in the case of the report that I just finished, the journal does double-blind review, and so what if I was an asshole to somebody fancy? (Though I really don't think somebody fancy would have submitted something that cited - or, rather, failed properly to cite - Wikepedia, so that's some small consolation.) To make a long story short, this whole reviewing manuscripts thing for me is bound up with a lot of my own insecurities and problems with dealing with criticism.

See, I hate nothing like a reader's report. Even the good ones make me shudder upon first looking at them. I hate the impersonal tone - "the author offers insightful analysis of x"; "Crazy fails to address y." I hate that feeling of dealing with the suggestions for revision, like I'm attempting to read a map in the dark or like I'm trying to use telepathy to figure out what some ethereal entity wants from me. I hate that feeling that sometimes happens where one wonders whether the person actually read the essay that I wrote (though admittedly, I've only really felt that one time). My problem is not with complying with the comments so much - for I am typically fully willing to change anything I've written in the service of it being published and have no love affair with my sentences or any such thing - but with the fact that the comments exist at all. I hate reading what strangers think about what I've written. Absolutely hate it.

So when I read a manuscript at the request of an editor, I bring all of that baggage with me. And in some ways, that's probably good, because I really am committed to trying to offer practical advice, even if my recommendation is to reject. I care a lot about being a useful reviewer, and I care a lot about offering suggestions that somebody can use going forward.

But so what? Somewhere, some academic, who really did have an interesting idea even if the execution wasn't so grand, is ultimately going to read comments from a hostile reviewer, and that hostile reviewer will be me. Even though I wasn't really hostile: I was disappointed. I so wanted to be able to say, "this is the most fantastic essay in the land! publish away!" But instead, well, I couldn't in good conscience even offer a revise and resubmit. It just wasn't good enough, or so I thought.

But who the hell am I to make that kind of decision? When I look at myself, at my CV, whatever - I still don't feel qualified. I feel like a total fraud. Because sure, I've had some modest success with publication or whatever, but who the hell do I think I am?

I think what makes me feel even more... insecure... about this most recent report is that I've currently got an essay out for review with this journal. And so I imagine getting back reader's reports about my own essay that are as harshly critical of my work as I was of the manuscript that I read. And I imagine the editor reading my report and then getting reports back that my own essay is a piece of garbage and deciding that I'm a bullshit scholar who doesn't know anything. And yes, all of this has nothing to do with the manuscript that I reviewed, but I sure would feel better if I'd already heard back about my own essay. (Apparently one report is already back and the other is overdue; the overdue thing worries me, because I feel like it means that the person hasn't had time to articulate all of the ways in which I suck but with substantial revision could maybe be acceptable, but of course what it probably means is that the person just hasn't bothered to look at it yet and the overdueness means nothing about my work, positive or negative.)

But so the point of all of this is that it is totally weird to be in a position where one is called upon to review the work of others when one is subject to the same review of one's own work. If you let yourself think too much about it - which I don't recommend people do, so you may actually want to skip this part - probably the same 20 people are all reviewing each other's work at the same time, passing judgment on one another simultaneously. How horrifying is that?

And yet, the report is done. That is one thing I can check off of my list of things to do, and ultimately, I do think that my response to the manuscript was fair and that I offered some suggestions that would make the essay hang together better, make the argument tighter, and make the thing really a super-interesting piece of scholarship. And maybe my lack of confidence when it comes to thinking about my authority in this area will not last forever. Maybe at some point I'll actually feel qualified to do this work. Maybe it's like teaching - that the more you do it the more authority one feels. One can only hope.

But it still sucks to know that I'm a person who could be responsible for somebody else's professional disappointment. The idea was really a good one. I hope the person realizes that I thought so.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Blogger as Online Teacher

So as you all know, I am, for the first time ever, teaching online this semester. And now that the semester is actually getting underway, I've got some thoughts (scattered though they may be) about how I feel about teaching in an online - rather than in a traditional classroom - environment. This post will probably be boring for those of you who've already done online teaching or who already do it, but since it's new to me, well, I'll be writing about it.

I suppose I'll begin by talking about why I've not taught online before now, especially given the fact that I'm pretty comfortable with technology and universities so love people who are willing to teach online. (Remember the space constraints of my uni? You can imagine how jazzed they are to have us do web-based courses.) I guess there are a few things that stopped me to this point. First and foremost, I was worried about the time-sucking potential of online teaching. I was both right and wrong about that, I think, but more on that later. The second is that there are very real issues about teaching online and intellectual property at my university. See, when you teach online here, the university "owns" the course. So if ever I stop teaching this course, they can take my shell and just hand it over to somebody else to teach. Nobody's entirely sure about what counts as part of the "shell" and so this has made many people in my department reluctant to teach online here, particularly when it comes to entirely original courses that they've developed that relate to their research areas. So, for example, I'd probably never teach any of my upper-level courses online, or my intro-to-lit course online, because everything I do in those courses is so intrinsically related to my research area and to the stuff on which I publish or may publish in the future. Third, the pedagogy that drives my teaching (god, how pompous does that sound?) depends a lot on interaction between me and my students. I'm not big on lecturing, and I'm not big on a model for instruction that is about me giving students material and them spitting it back at me. For a long time, I didn't really see how I could emphasize a student-centered instructional model in an online environment.

With all of this in mind, I sort of said, screw online teaching. I don't need to do it, so I won't. But then last semester, the opportunity to teach an upper-level course for a program outside of my department came along, and I thought, you know, this would be the perfect chance for me to try this whole online instruction thing out. I don't care that the university will "own" this course, and this will give me the chance to experiment with my teaching and to think about my pedagogy in ways that my typical teaching assignments don't allow. And so here I am.

The course is basically an advanced composition course. The point is to get student thinking about how to bring the methods and approaches of multiple disciplines together in their writing, and while I have chosen a content-based theme for the course, really that's just to give us stuff about which to write. So, with this in mind, the challenges before me were (and are) the following:
  • How do I get students writing regularly enough for them to see real improvement in their writing over the course of the semester?
  • How do I choose primary text material that inspires an interdisciplinary approach as well as models such approaches for students?
  • How do I encourage conversation in a course in which students never lay eyes on one another, which I think is an essential first step in getting students to think about writing as an entryway into certain kinds of conversations?
  • How do I keep the course "student-centered" when I am the "administrator" of all of the technology? How do I stop the course from becoming one in which I pontificate and students regurgitate?
  • How do I make the course user-friendly enough that students with varying levels of comfort with technology can easily access the materials and engage with the assignments of the course? (This is actually a huge problem: a lot of students sign up for these courses just because they don't want to spend time in class because they have other commitments, and they don't necessarily feel comfortable with an online environment at all.)
  • How do I make the course appropriately challenging without making too much grading work for myself? (This is another huge issue: many students enroll in these courses thinking that they will be less work than traditional courses or that they will be easier than traditional courses.)
  • How do I design a course that students find rewarding and that uses my expertise without giving up ownership of that expertise by putting it all online, and thus giving the university ownership over it? (In other words, how do I make the shell of this course completely inhospitable to the course being taken over by easily exploitable adjunct labor, who would potentially be required to teach the course with a higher enrollment cap, etc.?)
So where even to begin with all of those challenges?

Well, where would any blogger begin? With a class blog. The blog is really at the center of the course, and I've set it up so that students are doing most of the blogging. The idea is that the blog is taking the place of what I'd normally do in the traditional classroom: presentations and response-type writing assignments. Each blogging assignment is very clearly structured, and the idea is that students will do writing of medium-formality in this space.

The second thing is that commenting on blog posts is worth a good chunk of the final grade. In an online environment, I don't know how else to make sure discussion is central, really, and with the commenting requirement, I'm hoping that students really engage with one another's ideas - if not exactly as they would in a traditional classroom setting than at least similarly.

Now, this is a lot of student-generated writing. How to evaluate it? Well, as for the comments, if they are commenting substantively a certain number of times per week, that's how their grade is determined. Basically, I'll just quantify their participation, and that's where the grade comes from. As for the blog posts themselves, I'll respond to each with a rubric, a brief comment, and a grade. If they want more feedback than that, they'll have to come to online office hours.

The rest of the grade comes from their final project, which is a typical research paper assignment sequence. That will be the biggest chunk of the grading work, but should look like the typical grading work that I do in my traditionally-housed comp courses.

I'm not sure how the whole thing will turn out, but so far, I think, so good.

As for the time-sucking properties of the course, well, it's both more and less time-sucking than I'd imagined. More in the sense that it gives me license to waste time by sticking stuff up on the course blog and Blackboard site, checking email, fielding questions about the technology, etc. Things that usually don't take up so much time with my traditional courses. On the other hand, the bulk of the prep for the course is done, and because the class is really designed to put students at the center of producing the "knowledge" of the course, it takes less time than my traditional classes, or seems as if it will. There is less improvisation on my part in terms of delivery, if that makes sense. The "discussion leading" stuff that normally takes lots of my time to design for my traditional classes is already taken care of by the assignments, and I've already prepped all of the readings, so it's just a matter of showing up and guiding them along when they encounter all of that.

I have planned to include some brief "mini-lectures" about aspects of the writing process, and I'll be doing those as the semester goes along. That said, these things kind of take half the time, because normally I'd need to write this sort of thing up and then present it in class. The whole "presenting" thing is built into the writing in the online environment.

All in all, I'm pretty happy with what I've put together. I think the class is challenging, and I think that it does keep students and active learning at the center. Let's hope that these are not famous last words :)

Into the Groove, Apparently

You will notice that it's before 8 AM on Saturday morning. You will also notice that I'm writing on my blog, which must mean that I am awake. Ah, the joys of being back on my school sleeping schedule. I've been wondering why I've been so exhausted and zonking out around 11. I suspect it has something to do with the whole wake-up time thing, no? Ah yes, it all makes sense.

My mom is actually visiting my cousin this weekend in Florida, so I can't call her to bother her (for normally we do talk on Saturday and Sunday mornings, although usually not quite this early, but sometimes I make her talk to me this early because I figure she's my mom and she has to put up with things like early phone calls from me), and so here I am, bothering you. I don't really have anything to write about. I'm kind of boring, really.

Well, I suppose I could write about Sarah Palin, but I've yet to decide what I actually want to say about her. I suppose I'll leave it at this for now: the thing that's brilliant about Palin as a choice is that because she's such a dark horse for McCain to have chosen - such a brief time in public life, such a short resume, etc. - she can, to some extent, be whomever McCain wants her to be. As opposed to a Biden, with a 30-year record of decisions and public activity and votes, Palin has something like 3 things that you can go after her on: the whole internal investigation in her state thing, her policies on drilling/energy, and ... yeah, I'm sure there must be something else. You can't really go after her on the pro-life thing because the obvious response would be that you're a baby-murderer who thinks she should have aborted her youngest son. It's a personal attack rather than a political - or even an ethical and moral - disagreement. And so, McCain gets to shape her as a "reformer," even as she's somebody that the base of the Republican party loves for all the social conservatism stuff she believes in. We don't have much of a real record on her to attack, but at the same time, she's the one candidate in this race with executive governing experience. Do I think she's legitimately qualified to be Vice President? No. But I can't actually make a case for why not precisely because of the ways in which she's almost qualified, if that makes sense. In other words, I think the choice of Palin was ultimately diabolical and brilliant. And it will be interesting to see how the Obama-Biden ticket handles it.

In other news, I am positively sick of 90-degree weather with the ragweed raging so out of control that I cannot be outside for 30 seconds without sneezing, in spite of allergy meds. Where in the heck is fall? Because I'm done with the late-summer allergies and the late-summer heat. Done, I say.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Don't Try This at Home... Except Woohoo!!!!!

So I know you're all dying for an update about the Impossible Classroom Fiasco of Fall 2008. Or even if you're not, I'm going to give it to you, because it has turned out to be a bizarre tale of hope and job happiness.

So as I wrote Tuesday, things did not look at all good. This was not because anybody didn't acknowledge my problem or because anybody was uncooperative. My Fabulously Wonderful Administrative Person's lack of enthusiasm when I first presented her with the difficulty had nothing to do with lameness on her part: it was that she had a list of about 20 faculty members who had similar problems (probably about 5 of them with the very same room I was complaining about). The issue is, space on our campus just doesn't exist. We would need something like three brand new academic buildings just to have the same space ratio of other universities in our state, and given the budget situation... yeah, that's not happening. We are also the lowest funded university in our state compared with the others even aside from the problem with buildings, so yes, we run a very tight ship here. Anyway. So FWAP's lack of enthusiasm has to do with the fact that she's a realist. I knew when I brought the problem to her that I was asking for the impossible. She often accomplishes the impossible. Her realism combined with the whole accomplishing of the impossible thing is why she's wicked awesome. She is also wicked awesome because she used to watch All My Children daily in our student center with a person who is currently an A-list celebrity, before he dropped out of college here. But I digress.

But so anyway, throughout the next day, FWAP exhausted all the possibilities she knew of, and then my chair, who'd gone to look at the room for himself, started making calls trying to get something done - at least for one of the two classes. Nada. When I talked to my chair at the end of the day, he endorsed the idea that students should contact upper administration, because all conventional approaches to the problem had been exhausted, though he also promised he'd keep trying. We also discussed Plan B options for the course where the room really was totally unacceptable, and there I was.

That night, I started thinking that I didn't necessarily want a bunch of random emails from my students to litter the inbox of upper admin with no explanation, but I also didn't want to sit there and monitor what my students might write (free expression and all that). And then I thought to myself that maybe it would make sense for me to advocate on my own and on my students' behalf, not demanding a solution, but offering the higher ups warning that they might be hearing from students while at the same time outlining the nature of the problem, both in terms of my practical concerns (safety, being in such an enclosed space) with the room assignment, as well as how the room would affect the pedagogy of the two courses. I thought, why expect students to fight this battle if I'm not willing to put my neck out for them?

Note: I do not have tenure. Note: I've barely met the people whom I was emailing, with the exception of my dean, whom I know enough to greet if I pass him on campus. But again, I felt like it made sense that if I was going to tell students to send emails that I should put my neck out first. This could have been highly stupid.

It could have been, at a university other than mine. I work at a great fucking university, and I have such great respect for the upper administration. Let me tell you what happened after I sent the email.

  • First thing Thursday morning, I received a wonderful reply from my university's president.
  • By Thursday afternoon, my provost was personally making calls and having her staff make calls all over campus in efforts to resolve the problem.
  • Also Thursday afternoon, FWAP and my chair were congratulating me for alerting the administration to this problem, which affects so many faculty in our department, and that as a result of my efforts that there was movement in resolving not only my problem but in resolving other people's problems of a similar nature. Crazy is an activist! Crazy is a hero!
  • By today's end, I've got a new classroom assignment, a room normally not used as a classroom but that has all of the technology I could dream of having and enough space for all of my students, and apparently other people have gotten new classroom assignments as well.
Within 36 hours, the impossible has happened. And my president and provost thanked me for bringing the problem to their attention (I'm hoping that they can use what I wrote to them as ammunition when the state tries to cut our funding further), and expressed excitement about the work that I'm doing in the courses that I teach. And more than that, they fixed the problem. They responded with action, not just with congratulations on my efforts and hand-wringing. And that is because, whether I disagree with some of their decisions or not (and I do, as any faculty member would), what they care most deeply is our students and the education that we offer here. And it's not just talk. That's really the truth. And I believe that more now than ever, because I've seen the direct effect of that caring on me and my students.

I'll admit, though, I was embarrassed that I sent that email after I sent it. I felt like a whiner, and I felt like I was stepping out of turn. I felt like I was stupid, and that as an untenured person I should be keeping my head down. And even still I'm embarrassed because of the fact that I caused all of this commotion. I'll be honest: I would have just put up with the room, no matter how sucky it was, if I had been able to accomplish the stuff on my syllabus in the second class (showing films) in the room. I've done that before. I've made due with limited or ridiculously small resources, carting technology across campus in rainstorms in order to do what I need to do in the classroom. I didn't want to cause problems for people, and I didn't want to make a stink on a campus where the resources are so limited, and where I understand that those limitations aren't really the fault of anybody here.

But you know what? Certain disciplines often bear the brunt of limited resources, and English is one of those disciplines. Why? Well, because how many resources do you need if you just "read books and talk about them"? And so as much as I do feel embarrassed to have raised such a ruckus in this instance, I'm also glad that I did, because it highlights that people - even in my throwback discipline - are doing things in the classroom that require resources.

Even people like me, who don't do a ton of techie things, because they know that they can't count on having those resources in their classrooms. Seriously: the biggest roadblock to that room for me was that there wasn't space to break students into groups for small group discussion and activities (both classes) and that there wouldn't be room to bring in a DVD player to show the films on the syllabus in the one class. And the class where I didn't have to show films, I didn't have the technology to bring in recordings of the text we're reading over the first half of the semester, but I figured out how to deal with that (I loaded the recordings onto my iPod and brought in the teeny speakers that I own). Sure, when I've got a smart room I do more. I put sample outlines up on screen to show students how to organize papers; I show youtube videos that connect the material of the course to students' actual lives; I will put a poem up on screen so that we can look at it and analyze it together; I'll put outlines of notes on screen or plans for activities on screen so that I'm not spending so much time writing on the board. But I'm, even in the smartest of classrooms, fairly low-tech because what matters to me more than technology is getting students engaged, and in my discipline, there are lots of great low-tech ways to do that.

But even "low-tech" in a discipline like mine requires some tech. It requires more than a tiny blackboard, and it requires enough space to move students around. It requires a room where you don't have constant hallway noise, and where students don't feel suffocated.

The point is, I am so... just ecstatic, really... that my administration read the letter that I sent to them and that they responded with enthusiastic support for what I do in my classroom, and that they demonstrated that support with action, not just consolation and excuses. And so as embarrassed as I am about having complained about my problem, I'm also kind of proud that I did, and proud of the response that my complaint generated.

Of course, this makes me wonder whether I should do more letter-writing when I'm disgruntled. When I last did this, in irritation at some reportage on CNN, I got a series of replies from John Roberts, an anchor on CNN's morning show. Now with this, I've apparently alerted my upper administration to a horrible problem on campus, I've fixed a horrible problem for my students, and everybody thinks I'm great. Perhaps my tendencies to avoid the earnest activism are misguided. Perhaps if I wrote letters more frequently, the world would be a different place. On the other hand, perhaps my successes have to do with the fact that I only take such action when I'm truly impassioned about something. And slightly premenstrual. 'Tis hard to know.

The point here is, the whole Impossible Classroom Fiasco of Fall 2008 has come to a totally positive resolution, and it's left me feeling positively warm and fuzzy about my administration, my institution, and really, about my life as a faculty member at my institution. Who knew something as insignificant as a crappy classroom assignment could inspire all of that?

New Year's Resolution Check-In

So, since last I whined here, I paid bills (ah, the joys of the once monthly paycheck!) and looked over the Great Credit Card Project of 2008. While the paying down of the debt is slow (and slower still because I will need to send a check re: permissions next month, and I'm not sure if I'll get money for it from my university), I have done some calculations, and indeed, I shall (knocking wood), barring a disaster of some variety, be out of credit card debt by June 2008. Now, of course the initial goal was to be credit-card-debt-free by January '09, but I realized in May or so that this would not happen. This is ok. As it is, once the credit card debt is gone, I will be in a position to save to buy some sort of house or condo or something, and by June/July '10 I will be able to have approximately (again, barring disaster or some unforeseen circumstance like not being able to do summer teaching as planned) have a down payment of near 20K saved. Note: this is not taking into account the salary bump (meager though it will be) that comes with tenure (insert finger-crossing tenure superstitions here). Obviously I'll still have student loan debt, and car payment debt, but still, according to my calculations, I will be in a position to buy something in 2010/2011. And this without some sort of windfall or parental influx of cash. Let's not think about the position I'd be in if I'd been more financially responsible in the past five years.

Now, the other major resolution of the year was fitness. Sigh. This resolution has not worked out so grand. I, however, am now resolving for the year not to be a total wash, and I will embark afresh on this goal Sept. 1. Rome was not built in a day and all that.

So, now with the bills taken care of and with me feeling all proud of myself for making significant headway since January, I'm now considering what else I should do with this day. I think I should:
  1. Shower.
  2. Go to the bank.
  3. Go to the office.
  4. Go pay rent, figure out annoying situation with laundry card (note: this is something I've needed to do since BEFORE my travels this summer).
  5. Review Manuscript for Very Good Journal (where incidentally my essay is still under review with one reviewer, though one review is, apparently, back. I have fantasies that I'll hear back before I submit my tenure binder that the essay is accepted, but I am preparing myself for a) rejection or b) revise and resubmit news, both after I submit the tenure binder).
Or I could just laze about and do none of the above, though that does not seem wise.

Whining and Moaning

Well, the semester is back underway, and I am feeling vaguely rested after sleeping for 8 hours last night plus a 2-ish hour nap yesterday evening. I know that in a week or two I'll be back in the rhythm of things, and I'll be more used to the schedule, but for now, I'm feeling like I got hit by a 2x4.

See, the issue is that I've got a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday schedule. Many people would probably like to smack me now for complaining about an embarrassment of riches. Consider me smacked, but I shall continue to bemoan the dark side of this otherwise glorious situation. On the one hand, I'm very grateful to have finally achieved this holy grail of schedules. For four and a half years, I taught a 5-day-a-week schedule. This made sense because two of my courses were comp, and I really do believe that comp works best on a 3-day schedule because it means that you can force students to write and to think about their writing at least 3 days of the week. I then taught a literature class or two on Tuesday and Thursday (depending on course release stuff it would be one or two). This made sense because I like the 75 minute block for literature courses because it allows us to go deeper into the texts. There were minor variations in this schedule - a couple of night classes, whatever - but that was basically the schedule. Five days, the bulk of my teaching done by noon. The drawback of this was that I had no large blocks of time during the academic year for researchy things. The benefit was that because I did 2 or 3 hours of teaching per day I hit a stride and was never really exhausted by the teaching.

Throughout that time, colleagues would often pull me aside and say, "You know you could get a better schedule than this, right?" and things of the like. But while I had the traditional comp obligations, this was the best schedule for me and for my students. What's changed this year is that rather than teaching traditional comp I'm doing what amounts to an advanced comp course for graduating seniors in another program, and I'm doing it online. This means that I had the power to switch to the 3-day-a-week gig (which I basically had last semester, too). The configuration of this is that I teach my usual schedule on T/H (9-12) and then an evening class on Wednesday, plus the online gig. Now, the benefits of this are that I do have large blocks of time - Friday through Monday - most weeks. It's rare that we schedule meetings on Mondays and Fridays, so I can pretty much decide that those days are sacred, barring unusual circumstances. On the other hand, I often have meetings scheduled on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, plus the schedule requires that I load office hours onto those days as well. The short and whiny story is that this means that I'm pretty much fried by Thursday night, and Friday becomes a total loss.

I learned this last semester when I had a version of the same schedule, but I'd conveniently repressed the fact over the summer. Now, I am reckoning with the pitfalls of this schedule once again. I know that in a week or two I'll be in the groove, but right now? I feel like a zombie.

In other news, you may be wondering about the quest to change the classroom assignment about which I complained earlier in the week. As of now, it's still the same, but the wheels are moving to perhaps get it changed. This may or may not actually happen (we've got a horrible space problem on campus), but I'm pleased that at least People with Power have been alerted to the problem and are on the case. I've come up with a plan B for the class that is the biggest problem, should the room not get changed, and in a worst case scenario, I'll use it. I suppose whatever the ultimate practical outcome, I'm pleased that I'm getting support from beyond my department for the problem, and hopefully by speaking up (and by my students speaking up) this horrible classroom will no longer be in play in coming semesters for classes such as mine.

I have tons to do today, so I should sign off. More later, I suspect.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Am Very, Very Tired

I know tonight was the big convention night, the night I was actually supposed to watch whole-heartedly and be inspired and everything, but I was beat, dude. It was more important to watch Shear Genius and Project Runway (which I missed last night) and to lay around. I napped a bit, and yet I'm still exhausted. Clearly, I'm not in the rhythm of the semester yet. Clearly.

But so yeah. Go Obama and all that.

A more substantive post tomorrow that includes actual content about why I'm so freaking tired out from this week.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Rock on, Joe Biden

Joe Biden + Bill Clinton + Hillary Clinton + Michelle Obama = One Inspired Crazy.

Remember all my suspiciousness and jadedness and all that? The Democratic National Convention has, for me, delivered. I am inspired.

ETA! And the special super-secret appearance by Barack Obama!!! (note: it's unfortunate that his initials are B.O.) I'm in love with my party! I'm so excited (although I think the Pointer Sisters song of the same title should be retired, as should "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang).

Go Obama! I've been a resistant supporter, but I am now on board!

(And yes, I know this is because I am easily swayed by rhetoric and advertising, but who isn't in this stupid country? Sue me.)

Slick Willy Is My Boyfriend

Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but when he speaks, I cheer at he television. And clap. And scare my cats with my enthusiasm.

And right the fuck on that he overtly addressed all of the concerns about Obama and foreign policy and experience. Right the fuck on. And right the fuck on that he went after the republicans. (And yes, I know Kucinich went after the republicans, but Jesus, I'm from Cleveland and I know Kucinich is a nut-job. I love him, but Jesus. And he wasn't even slotted close to prime time. And that's kind of the point of the whole convention thing.) And Clinton mentioned Katrina!!!!! For god's fucking sake!!!! And he noted that Republicans called him out because he was "inexperienced" and too young, and connected that to what they've done to Obama! I've been waiting for this shit all convention long! Go, Slick Willy, go!

Go Dems!

College for the Underclass

I'm using the word "underclass" here intentionally, as opposed to working class, or even lower-middle-class-whose-parents-didn't-attend-college, although I suppose those other ways of putting it would be less charged. Before I begin, let me tell you where I'm coming from. I started thinking about posting something about this when I read Heu Mihi's incredibly thoughtful post on "de facto elitism" a few days ago. And then I was thinking Monday night, as I listened to Michelle Obama's really amazing speech, it's so interesting how she made a point of eliding the fact that the "college education" she received - first at Princeton and at Harvard Law - is not the "college education" that most Americans - especially those working-class Americans that the Dems are trying to win over - can ever hope to receive. And then finally Tuesday morning I thought about it further, in relation to Dean Dad's post, which I may well have misread or projected onto because I've been thinking about these other things, though I do think that my response over there is related to what I'm about to discuss, whether Dean Dad himself would admit that or not.

So I've talked about my class of origin on this blog before. I started out working-class. My parents had high school educations. My dad worked in a steel mill, until he was laid off, and my mom worked first in a hospital, then a credit union, then in a bank, throughout my upbringing. I'd say that we were further down on the class ladder than a lot of people who might identify, or whom we as middle-class people might identify, as "working class." My parents didn't have city jobs with great benefits; my mom didn't have the choice to stay home and not work. And perhaps this is because both of their families of origin could probably be characterized not as working class but as the working poor. My dad was one of 7 and his mom was a single mother. My mom was one of 10, and while both she and my grandfather stayed married, and my grandmother worked, neither finished high school and they never got ahead, never owned a home, never really got their heads above water. So yeah, that's where I come from.

And my parents (well, my mother, to be honest) wanted college for me. As my mom will tell you to this day, she couldn't get her mind around anything other than that maybe I could go to community college and keep living at home. An actual university degree? Going away to school? People like us couldn't afford that kind of thing. People like us didn't "go away to college." Nobody in my extended family had, that's for certain.

And so I fought with my mom, and I took her to college night at my public high school (in a working-to-middle-class border suburb, home to lots of Catholic cops and firefighters, where we moved after our house in the inner city was foreclosed when I was 13) and she met with advisers and they helped her with all the forms (which "people like us" have no experience filing) and told her what to do, and calmed her down, and well, I ended up going away to college. With a small amount of student loans, a good amount of grants, and a small amount of money from my mom and stepdad, working work study jobs a minimum of 15 hours a week throughout and full time every summer, and some scholarships. There was no "college fund."

I don't remember the GPA you needed to have in high school to get into Undergrad State U when I applied, but today, 17 years later, it's a 2.5 on a 4.0 scale. I also applied to another state university whose admission requirements were about as low. And that was it. I never took the SAT because neither of the schools required it. See, I was going to be a journalism major. Those two schools had fine journalism programs, and so why apply anyplace else? Nobody clued me in to the fact that education was about more than getting a degree that would get me a white-collar job. So that's why I "wanted college." And I had no clue about college rankings or the fact that where you go to college "matters" in the broader scheme of your life and what opportunities you can hope to have later.

This was not because I wasn't a "smart" student. Or because I didn't care about learning things. I was and I did. It's just that those things sort of weren't the point. Those things were luxuries that weren't for people who came from my background. Looking back, I could have gone to a "better" school, with my GPA in high school and all of my activities, etc. But the list of possible choices for me was narrow - even if it felt, in applying to those two mediocre regional schools, like a world of possibility was opening up to me. In a world where my parents' (mom and stepdad's) combined income was about 40K, after 20 years of full-time work, the idea that I could make more than 20K a year when I graduated seemed like I'd be rich.

And so off I went to become a journalist. Because you picked a career and then you picked a major based on that and then you took all of the classes that you were supposed to take to finish as quickly as possible. And grades kind of didn't matter very much, as long as you didn't lose your scholarships. So how did I get from there to here?

Well, that path begins because I was admitted to the honors program at USU. We were required to take a year-long seminar in English, one that was in lieu of traditional comp and instead was about literature. The theme of the one that I chose was "Women and Literature" and I was enthralled. And it turned out, I was really good at that class. And my professor told me in office hours at some point over the course of that year that I should consider the English major and that I should consider graduate school when I was done. And I told her that she was crazy. I needed a degree that would get me a job. I didn't want to teach high school (what I thought was the only job for English majors), and there was no money for graduate school. I was no fool: I knew that I needed to graduate from college and to make some money. Period. Who did she think I was?

And that's where the conversation ended.

Now, throughout that year I was also, "smart" student that I was, trying to "get requirements out of the way" - requirements that would fulfill gen. ed. but that also served as pre-reqs for the journalism major and political science minor that I'd chosen. I did not choose courses because they interested me because that wasn't the point of college: I chose courses that "counted." Let's just say that my GPA that first year reflected that. Let's also note that once my path changed, that GPA mattered.

Looking back, I am certain that those professors whom I took in the first 2-3 semesters of my college career probably thought that I wasn't interested in the pursuit of knowledge or in being changed by my education or in expanding my perspective on the world. I was a B-C student, and I sort of did my time and that was that. The world that I thought was open to me was very, very small. The only classes that I felt really compelled by were my English literature classes, but who would ever be an English major? What in god's name would a person do with such a useless degree? So sure, I was "smart" and I was taking courses I "needed." But I'm sure I didn't look terribly "smart" to my professors and I'm sure that I was the sort of student about whom they complained to their colleagues: anti-intellectual, who thought that all that mattered was getting a piece of paper that would get me a job at the end, doing time in college as opposed to really learning. And you know what? They were probably right.

The point is, however, that even though that's who I was to them, that isn't who I would turn out to be. Ultimately, after many tears and heart-wrenching conversations with my mom, I decided to change my major and minor (the minors would become writing and women's studies). This was totally a scary choice for me, and scary for my mom, too. It was not how things were supposed to go. It meant that I wasn't at all secure about where my future would take me. It also meant that I would be flying without a net in a world that I had little mentorship in entering (the world of academia) and little clue about how to navigate once I got there.

All of this ultimately did lead to graduate school, and I was able to squeak my way into a well-regarded PhD program after doing time in a middling MA program. And now I've seized that brass ring that is a tenure-track job, and it turns out I'm teaching at a school whose students on the whole look a whole lot more like the student that I was when I entered college than the student that I would become after a few years. I teach classes in a discipline that most look at with disdain, a discipline that's not for "people like us" who have bills to pay, a discipline that offers a degree that will get you a job working at a fast food place. Even most majors are very career-driven, aiming at high school teaching and not at a broader "life of the mind."

I suppose where my background influences my approach in this setting is that I'm keenly aware of the fact that "college" doesn't mean the same thing for this class of students that it does for students who end up at elite SLACS, selective public R1s, or, and I probably don't even need to say it, the Ivies or Fancy Private Universities - the non-Ivy Ivies. No, I teach at a "College for the Underclass," and what that means, as schools like this become increasingly corporatized, is that administrative ideas about what "serves" this student population ultimately reinforce the idea that college is just a path to a job better than the one your parents have. Those students who start out with the fewest privileges and advantages in P-12 education ultimately are relegated to institutions of higher learning that care more about offering programs and courses that attract students who are looking for that magic piece of paper that will get them a white-collar job, and those institutions invest their resources in ways that put that way of thinking ahead of the mission of educating the whole person. This is all part of the institution attracting students, increasing enrollments, and looking like they're "serving the community" by producing workers. This then brings in more money (not only in tuition dollars, but also from the state).

So what are instructors in disciplines like mine, that aren't easily attachable to future employment other than teaching, supposed to be doing in this sort of institutional setting? The fact is, particularly when we teach general education courses, we're usually teaching to a pretty hostile - or at least ambivalent - audience. What is our role not only in the classroom, but also in the broader institution? What should we be doing in our classes, but also what should we be fighting for at the institutional level in terms of program development and curriculum? Because the reality is that the models that are most readily available for what we should do, which we usually internalize in graduate school, have little to do with the kinds of institutions at which we work.

I realize now that I've thought a lot about this stuff without consciously thinking about it (if that makes sense) throughout my time here, leaving the grad school model behind and returning to what I needed from my discipline when I was first an undergraduate. I was always deeply suspicious of professors who indicated that the Pursuit of Knowledge was an end in itself, and deeply suspicious of professors who believed that The Study of Literature was in itself meaningful. No, at Colleges for the Underclass that approach typically doesn't really get a professor very far. Dude, what's meaningful to most of my students, as it was to me when I began college, is a paycheck and a career you don't hate (notice I didn't say a career that you love and that inspires you).

So what is a professor to do in the classroom? Well, what I try to do, and this is in no way to say that this is the only thing to do, is I try to show my students that having an intellectual life, a life in which one is curious and in which one thinks about new things and in which one takes pleasure in things that aren't directly related to a paycheck or the day-to-day, is not something that is a luxury for other people, but rather that it can enrich the lives of "people like us" whatever they do after college. Sure, they may go off to be accountants or teachers or to own their own businesses or to work in a human resources office somewhere. But college can give them, in addition to that qualification that gives them entry into the white collar workforce, new ways of seeing the world around them, new approaches to problems in that world, and new avenues for experiencing pleasure in that world. In other words, even at a College for the Underclass, education need not be just about job training. And I'd go even further and say that it shouldn't be.

In terms of the institution, it's integral, I think, for people who believe the above to fight at the level of curriculum and policy-making to make sure that those "extras" don't get lost. It is sickening to me that people who have had educational advantages and privileges, people who bemoan the fact that students are too anti-intellectual to be engaged, are often responsible for insuring that our students will become a permanent underclass that has little respect for broader knowledge and that will go on to live anti-intellectual lives post-college. And those people who have had educational privilege and advantages then congratulate themselves for wanting to help those poor kids who wouldn't otherwise have had a college education to get a job they wouldn't otherwise be qualified for, now that college is pretty much required for most work.

If we allow ourselves, with the educational privilege and advantages that we have had, to settle for this version of higher education in institutions like mine, I do feel like we're giving up on our students. We're saying that they don't have the abilities or the ambitions that students at other kinds of institutions have, or if they could, that it's not important to foster those abilities and ambitions. I mean, most of our students are not going to go on to "great things" and most don't aspire to much more than "normal" lives, in the communities in which they grew up or very like the ones in which they grew up. My thought is, wouldn't those communities be better if at institutions like mine, at Colleges for the Underclass, we graduate students who come away from their educations with more than just a piece of paper? Isn't it really our responsibility to do that?

I'll close with this: I am not saying that job training isn't a part of what we do at this sort of institution, nor am I saying that it shouldn't be. I'm not saying that there is not value in applied majors, nor am I arguing that all colleges and universities should serve students in identical ways. I have taught comp classes filled with business majors; I have taught general education courses in literature where the greatest insights came from students outside of liberal arts majors. And I don't try to "convert" these students to the English major, though I do give them advice if they ask me about it. The point isn't that an institution like mine shouldn't be investing in programs that offer a direct path to the world of work. The point is that what I want, when I teach those students in those programs, is to give them tools to have a richer life in whatever they choose to do post-college. I want for them to see that there is a "point" to reading and thinking about literary texts even if the most visible "point" is only intellectual pleasure in their non-working hours.

But when we talk about higher education, I really wish we'd acknowledge more explicitly that it doesn't mean the same thing for all people. I wish we'd acknowledge that often really great students who have incredible potential end up at universities like mine not because they don't care about learning but because they didn't know any better: that they thought all colleges were the same. At the end of the day, that's not their fault. It's ours.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I Should Have Known It Couldn't Last

Everything with the start of this semester has been so calm and peaceful. No parking hassles; things getting up and running with the minimum of angst.

Until this morning.

I am in a classroom (or is it an office with a bunch of desks jammed into it? 'Tis hard to know), with each of my full to enrollment cap classes. When I say the room is small, I mean the students on the far wall of the classroom cannot get into the desks without moving them into the aisle putting themselves touching the wall, and then moving the desk back underneath them. This room includes an overhead projector, a VCR (no DVD), and a tiny television. The room is so small that I could not drag the "smart cart" with equipment over to do what I need to do even if I wanted to. It seriously wouldn't fit unless we kicked some students out.

I am trying to get the room changed - the first time I've EVER asked for that accommodation - but the secretary seemed less than enthusiastic about fixing this plight.

My stomach is totally in knots. I literally cannot run the second class - where no one ever drops - in this room. Like CANNOT DO THE THINGS ON THE SYLLABUS. But what if they cannot move me? Like, anywhere? What will I do????

The other class... well, it's not ideal, but with 5-6 drops it would be do-able.

But the one where nobody ever drops?

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

The REAL First Day of School

Before we begin, let us note some things that one shouldn't do on the night before one's real first day, i.e. the first day that one is back in the classroom.

  1. Watch the Democratic Convention all night long (though I will say, from what the pundits described I timed my tuning in just right - I came in with Kennedy and so apparently missed 2 boring previous hours), feeling at turns inspired but then also disgruntled (more on that perhaps later, for I think I was just being weird and petty and I really did leave Michelle Obama's speech thinking that I really wish she were running for president, because wow did I find her awesome).
  2. Think to self, "Self, it is 11:30, you should go to bed! School tomorrow!"
  3. Consider briefly ironing dress for FDoS, but then say, "nah, I'll just do it in the morning."
  4. Proceed to answer the phone around midnight (you weren't really sleeping - eyes closed, yes, and in bed, yes, but also with mind racing) when FB called. You only talked to him for 8 minutes (3 extra on top of what you said he could have when he first got on the phone, which you think is awfully generous) but then proceeded to go back to the tossing, the turning, the not sleeping.
  5. Finally drift off to sleep, but then proceed to have a series of dreams (and I do mean a series - like around 5) that cause you to wake yourself up because you're laughing. I do not remember the dreams, but apparently I'm hilarious. Or at least I think I am.
  6. Well, and Mr. Stripey thinks I'm hilarious, too. So hilarious in fact that my laughing woke him up and he thought that it was time to play. At 5:30. He was irrepressible, and so I got up to give him and his brother breakfast, and attempted to return to bed. But then, alas, because I woke up, and because the allergy meds had yet to kick in, I was a snotty hacky mess, and so could not fall back to sleep.
So I'm awake. On maybe 5 hours of sleep. And I've got to teach two courses back to back, both of which I have to (well, because I'm me) give actual lectures in.

Things I'm happy about as I embark on the semester:
  • One student who never should have been enrolled in my senior-level class dropped. Already. Even without seeing the syllabus. It's like a miracle of some kind.
  • I'm really excited to teach every single thing I'm teaching. Again, this is like a miracle of some kind.
More to report later. I've got a post on teaching lit to uninterested folks brewing, as well as some other things rattling around in this head of mine.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Back to It

And so it begins again. Classes start today, and I'm sitting at my computer, freshly showered, slurping down coffee in an attempt to wake up, and very soon, I'll be heading to campus, even though I don't actually teach today, to get loads of work done at the office.

I really wish that I didn't need to go in this early, but as any seasoned academic knows, the first day of classes is most certainly not the day to tempt the parking gods. I have high hopes that if I'm there by 9 that I won't need to wander the campus searching for a parking space in a lot that is not my own. Cross your fingers for me.

Other than that, I don't have much to report. I'm excited to actually get back into the classroom tomorrow, although I'm also feeling wistful about the summer that is now officially over. In other words, how I feel on this morning is not unlike how I've felt at the start of every academic year that I can remember. Business as usual.

Except, of course, there are things that aren't business as usual this year. First there's the whole Adventures in Online Teaching thing. Second there's going up for tenure. Third there's the fact that my department has begun an MA program, with which I'm fairly involved, and so that means new committee work and new challenges.

Mr. Stripey doesn't quite understand the academic-year schedule, and so last week during the days of work and meetings he would look at me askance every time I returned home, like, "What up, yo! Where have you been? Because, see, I'm very adorable and don't you want to be with me all the time?!! Everybody else does!" By "everybody else" he means Man-Kitty, though of course, that's not even really true, for it's not uncommon for the Man-Kitty to attempt to escape the exuberance that is Mr. Stripey by crawling into a bag and lying very, very still. At any rate, I'm hoping that the more mature and understanding M-K will some how communicate to the wee one about how things go in the academic year. I don't think that they actually speak to one another, but I do think that they perhaps communicate telepathically.

God, I do not want to go to school. Why can't summer last just a few days longer?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sunday Dinner

I'm not sure what inspired me, but I've actually made something real for dinner today - something that will be excellent leftover fodder for the week: meatloaf. I use the recipe in Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything, and it is divine. It cooks in the oven as we speak. And I made a lovely cucumber and onion salad. I'm currently considering what I shall make for a side vegetable. Ah, cooking is so relaxing and fun.

Tomorrow the semester begins. I plan to be in the office by 8:30 and to stay there until the online course is totally up and running. At least I'll have something yummy to take with me for lunch.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

A Meme! It's Been So Long!

As seen at New Kid's.

1. My uncle once grew huge marijuana plants in his backyard. No lie.

2. Never in my life have I thought sky-diving would be "fun" or "exhilerating."

3. When I was five I apparently ripped up an art project in kindergarten because it wasn't "perfect." This then led my teacher to tell my mom she needed to make sure that I didn't think that I had to be perfect, because I was far too hard on myself.

4. High school was very fun, but also I felt weirdly like an outsider, even though reports from later in life indicate that I was ridiculously popular, even though I didn't live in the right part of town, have the right friends, or do the right clubs. Who knew?

5. I will never forget standing on the balcony of a Hapsburg palace watching the sun set with a glass of wine in my hand, just after introducing myself to a Fancy Person who would later become one of my most cherished mentors.

6. Once I met Harold Bloom. He looked like Jabba the Hut.

7. There’s this boy I know who works at NASA and was actually instrumental in putting the space shuttle back into space.

8. Once, at a bar, I told a man who was approximately 6'5" that he needed not to touch me because he didn't know me. He looked at me like I was the anti-christ and left the bar. Apparently, I'm scary when strangers touch me.

9. By noon, I'm wondering why I've wasted so much time, except for on the days when I'm teaching in the morning.

10. Last night I watched a Lifetime Movie featuring Laura Leighton of Melrose Place fame called Love Notes. It was awesome.

11. If only I had the power to rule the world and to make everything that I wanted happen exactly the way I want it to happen.

12. Next time I go to church will probably be Christmas or Easter. That's the kind of Catholic I am.

13. What worries me most is whether I'll ever find a solid romantic relationship that is fulfilling and all that, especially given this stupid profession.

14. When I turn my head left my neck hurts a little bit. I think I slept funny.

15. When I turn my head right I see two sweet kitty cats.

16. You know I’m lying pretty much whenever I'm lying. I'm a shitty liar.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is Depeche Mode. Sure, they exist in the 21st century, but they're nowhere near as cool.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be Iago's wife, Emilia. Or perhaps Kate, of Taming of the Shrew.

19. By this time next year I will have tenure, baby! (crossing fingers, knocking wood)

20. A better name for me would be ... what's a better name than Crazy?

21. I have a hard time understanding the traffic circle on my campus. When everyone uses it propoerly? Excellent. When they don't? Road rage.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll kill myself. I know that makes me seem like I'm anti-life-long-learning and all... yeah, I am. Fuck more school. I've got a Ph.D. It's enough.

23. You know I like you if I actually invite you to my house.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be my Mom and G.

25. Take my advice, never go to graduate school in English if you're not prepared for years of under-employment.

26. My ideal breakfast is ... Well, it depends. If I'm hung-over? Eggs over-easy with hashbrowns and sausage. If I'm not? My own homemade french toast (made with challa bread) with bacon and with a side of melon.

27. A song I love but do not have is "Get into the Groove" by Madonna. I know. I suck.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you go to the art museum. It's the bomb.

29. Why won’t people stop talking on cell phones in high-traffic areas, like stairwells, in front of my office, and, I don't know, THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?

30. If you spend a night at my house a kitten might wake you. Deal.

31. I’d stop my wedding for a death in the family.

32. The world could do without self-righteous vegetarians and non-smokers who insist others must conform to their life choices when not in the homes of those who espouse these beliefs.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than have a house infested with cockroaches.

34. My favorite blondie is me, really. I know, that's lame,but seriously. The blondness of me is great.

35. Paper clips are more useful than staples that don't go all the way through a stack of paper.

36. If I do anything well it’s cooking.

37. I can’t help but feel righteous indignation about any number of things.

38. I usually cry right before my "lady time," I blame the hormones. I also usually cry at The Ghost Whisperer. The people crossing over make me emotional :)

39. My advice to my nephew/niece is ... I have no such advice because I have no nephews and nieces.

40. And by the way, I've got nothing. I'm lame. What can I say?

More Political Musings

Ok, so I'm still glued to CNN and MSNBC. One thing that I feel is potentially... problematic... is that everybody keeps comparing Biden to McCain. You know, because they're peers. It's just Biden isn't actually running against McCain. It probably doesn't help that Obama flubbed and nearly introduced Biden as "the next president... er... vice president" in his speech this afternoon. Woops. I'm hoping that this stops once McCain picks a running mate.

I have to say, I'm wondering, though, whether McCain would (or could) choose a woman for a running mate (I'm thinking of a great article in Elle that talked about how many women are in McCain's inner circle and support him, in spite of his record on "women's" issues, and also that every pundit I've seen speaking for McCain today has been some sort of "minority" - woman (a few different women actually), African-American, Latino - and I'm wondering what that would do to Obama's chances. Is it possible that McCain would make such a move (a) and if he did, would he come out as the more "progressive" seeming candidate (b)? One thing is that a woman wouldn't be as tall as Mitt Romney, so they might actually look "right" together.... as long as she looked kind of like a man and all and couldn't be spun as "shrill" and "inexperienced." According to the NYT projections, there are no ladies on the list. But if he chose a woman running-mate, with the right chops, what would that do to, say, Ohio, where many of my oldest friends and where my working-class-historically-pro-union-democrat family lives? Where my Reagan democrat father and stepmother live? You know, all of those people who don't trust Barack Obama (because he's black- shh! we're racist even though we know it's wrong!) The way Ohio goes, so goes the election and all that. How many pro-Hilary folks would go the way of McCain if he chose a woman? Then they could vote for change even as they voted for what hey felt comfortable with, you know?

I'm not sure that it works as well in reverse: with the presidential nominee who's been stumping for "change" and then him bringing in he Old Guard Dude to lend him gravitas. Remember, this wasn't the configuration when George W. added Cheney to his ticket. He was up against Gore and Lieberman, who were basically of the same generation and experience level. Adding Cheney made Bush "safe" to vote for, and people wanted to have a beer with him already, and Bush was never running on "I'm going to be a historical agent of change" rhetoric.

Don't get me wrong: I'll be voting for Obama in November. I'm just skeptical about how it's all going to turn out, with the summer of moving to the center and the choice of Biden as the veep candidate. I'm hoping to become energized by the convention. I do love the conventions. I'd love to be energized and inspired.

I suppose the thing is, though, and this is why I voted for Clinton in my primary, I knew who she was and I knew that she was all about the political game as it has conventionally been played, and I respected the fact that she didn't pretend it was going to be anything other than politics as usual. I suppose I feel like Obama sucked in the left by pretending he was something different and that he's really just more of the same. He's a politician. He's done nothing but prove that throughout this summer and finally with this choice of running mate. He's going to do whatever it takes to get elected. Ultimately, this is better than if he wouldn't (because he wouldn't get elected if he wasn't willing to do that) but he pretended that he wasn't that guy, to get the left behind him. And however much I'm excited to get my free Obama-Biden sticker from Move-on.org, that pisses me off. I mean, dude, why pretend to be about change when you're about the status quo? Why pretend you're the candidate of change when you're the candidate of more of the same? Sure, he's young (though he's about the same age as Bill Clinton was when he ran in 1992), but so what? Young doesn't necessarily mean progressive or pro-choice or for-the-working-person. Saying a whole bunch of stuff about "change" doesn't necessarily mean shit.

Here's the thing. When Bill Clinton ran in 1992, it was the first presidential election that I was eligible to vote for. And he chose a running-mate who was a Washington insider in choosing Gore, but Gore was of Clinton's generation. And Gore was all about the environment and stuff, and well, it really did feel like a changing of the guard. But - and I feel like this is an important but - Clinton didn't pretend that he was above politics. He just asserted that he would be a different voice in Washington politics, which may have been pretense to some extent, but I found that less offensive than the pretense of "I'm a whole new person that you've never seen before," which has been Obama's thing. When Clinton ran, it was the first election where we didn't have WWII veterans running for president, and it was a big freaking deal. Dude, "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow"! Fleetwood Mac, people! And it felt like they chose Fleetwood Mac for their theme song because they actually were fans! This was huge! Whatever we all came to think of Clinton later, or what we think about him now, or the problems that we had with Gore at the time because of Tipper's whole PMRC thing, the point is, they were about fresh blood in ways that were really important in 1992. (God, I feel ancient writing this. Insert some "these kids today!" and "I'll take that ball if it lands in my yard one more time!" sentiments here.)

Whatever "the Clintons" are or were, I did feel like we weren't rooked by them. Bill Clinton always advertised himself as a centrist, and Hilary Clinton never pretended that she was not about the political game. And whether I've always loved them (I haven't), I did always feel like they were who they were. Obama? I still don't feel like I know entirely what he's about, other than that he's about being president of the United States. I don't have a clear sense of his history, and I don't have a clear sense of much other than the fact that he's a good public speaker. And I'm in the audience of people - those highly educated bleeding-heart liberals - who is supposed to be most welcoming of him. Maybe it's because I'm not of the right class of origin, that I'm suspicious. Maybe it's just my personality. The point is, he has things to prove to me. He has to prove to me that he actually cares about the issues that I care about (the economy, women's issues, issues for working-class voters that cross those other two categories and exceed them). He has to prove to me that he's interested in more than getting the job. Obama supporters I know have pretty much told me I'm supposed to go read his books (though I've already read one, because a student wrote a paper on it) in order to "know" him. That's bullshit, people. Middle America isn't going to go read his books, and even if they were, it's ridiculous to think it's on them to do so. This is a job interview people. When you interview for a tenure-track job, you don't tell people to read your whole dissertation: you tell them the 2-minute or 5-minute version of it, in a way that is clear and concise and engaging and convincing. If he can't do that, what exactly can he do?

I'm sorry this is turning out to be an anti-Obama rant. I don't mean it to be. I actually really do support the democratic ticket. I just feel like my suspicions, that it was always going to be politics as usual, are totally confirmed. And it makes me angry. I wanted so much for that not to be true, when Obama got the nomination. At least if Clinton would have been nominated, I wouldn't have had this disappointment. It would have been politics as usual, but I wouldn't have any hopes that it would have been anything other than that.

They Just Look Right Together

Ok, so I watched a lot of news today. What with the announcement of Biden as Obama's running mate and all. And at some point in the pre-appearance-of-the-two-annointed-ones-together stuff, Chris Matthews (I know, I know) made a big deal about how the two of them look good together. You know, they're both these tall, fit men, with lots of energy, blah blah blah. He and the pundits then considered how McCain's cause will look if he chooses Romney, who towers over him, and who wouldn't "look as good" standing next to him.

I paraphrase, but yes, this went on for about five minutes. And then they noted that Obama and Biden would be appearing with their wives, and they noted their attractiveness and stylishness.

And all I could think was, if this is the logic, a woman will never "look good" on a presidential ticket, because, you know, she'd either look like a battle-ax or she'd look like a wife. She'd always be too short or too tall or too old or too young or just, you know, too female to look right.

I wasn't surprised by the Biden choice. He's a career politician, a Washington insider, and his strengths compliment Obama's weaknesses. Any politician would have chosen Biden. So really all this choice did for me was to confirm that Obama is a politician's politician. Not a bad thing, and I'll vote for him and hope he wins, but it did feel an awful lot like business - or politics - as usual.

Thinking about the Tenure Process

So this year marks my final year on the tenure-track in this job.

It feels weird writing that, like I should be crossing my fingers and knocking on wood or something, but that doesn't make sense, because whatever happens, that is a true statement: it is my last year, the year that I submit my materials once and for all and in which the tenure decision will be made.

I've been thinking a good amount about what tenure actually "means" to me, and thinking about the process that I've experienced at this institution, and I feel like it's worth writing about, as I read others' posts about beginning their time on the tenure track this year. What I'll write is in no way a one-size-fits-all "this is what the tenure process is everywhere" manifesto. It's just about what I've experienced, which looks little like what I'd imagined I'd experience when I got this job in 2003. And so here it goes.

1. The Tenure Process at My University

Ok, so I'm at a regional comprehensive four-year institution, the primary focus of which is teaching undergrads, though grad programs have been expanding very quickly throughout my time here (cha-ching!). We're a university in transition: in the past five years, we've become more (though not outrageously) research-oriented, and there have been a great many junior hires, so the faculty population (which had included many faculty members who were here when the university had only just opened its doors) looks much different than it did for about the past 30 years. Teaching undergrads is still number one, but teaching alone is no longer the only thing, if that makes sense. When I look at my tenure materials, the distribution of activities is roughly 50% teaching stuff, 30-35% research, and 15-20% service. Some people flip the research and service distribution. When I was hired, it was indicated to me (how is that for passive construction?) that I didn't need to do any more publications and I'd still safely get tenure. Basically, 2 conferences a year was supposed to be enough to prove I was active. People have gotten tenure here in my department as recently as 7 years ago without any publications. Now, the party line (within my department) is that one publication in a peer-reviewed journal would make for a fine tenure bid, so long as everything else was up to scratch (though other departments at my institution stipulate that it should be more, and they actually list journals that would qualify). My institution does value "non-traditional" publications, like scholarship on teaching, textbooks, creative works, and publication related to public engagement.

In your first year, in my department, you pick a mentor who is tenured who serves as your point person for any questions you might have, and who agrees to look at your book to give you advice if you'd like it at any point in your probationary period. Also, most of my tenured colleagues were very generous and more than happy to share their own books and narratives to give models for how to do this thing.

The review process goes like this. You put a binder together every single year - even a pathetic one during your first year, just to get the thing going. Each piece of "evidence" goes in a plastic sleeve, and you include narratives to explain your material - including one over-arching narrative and potentially individual narratives about teaching, research, and service. Each year the binder goes all the way up the chain of command: it is reviewed by the department's tenure, promotion, and reappointment committee, then by the department chair, then by the dean, then by the provost, and then it is approved by the board of regents. (Note: we have no university-wide tenure committee.) If there is concern about your materials during the probationary period, you can get a "conditional" reappointment, with advice about what you need to do in the next year in order to get the condition removed. Each year, once the books have passed out of the department, the department's p&t chair meets with you to give you feedback on your binder. Annoyingly, in my experience, this feedback has had more to do with the binder itself than about my performance in the three areas. That said, perhaps this has been my experience because my performance is fine and so they just don't have performance-related comments for me.

The process in your final tenure year looks just like it does in the preceding 5 times through the process, except I suspect that you don't have to have the annoying conversation after about using bullet points in your narratives and using a highlighter to make certain documentation "stand out" for upper administration.

Benefits of the process at my university: NO SURPRISES. Also that you really do feel mentored toward tenure - like your colleagues and even the upper administration, in looking at the books each year, really are investing in you getting tenure at the end of the clock.

Drawbacks of the process at my university: Needing to do that fucking binder. Every fucking year. And the emphasis on one's scrap-booking talents.

2. Why This Process Didn't Match Up with What I'd Imagined

Well, the main reason, I think, is because the only things I'd heard about how tenure works came from my mentors at high-powered research universities, and in particular my mentors at grad institution. I'd imagined tenure was much more about publishing and perishing than it is here, and I'd imagined that my scholarly stature would be the big thing that determined whether I could achieve tenure. I'd imagined that I'd only put shit together twice - for a 3rd-year review and then in the tenure year - and I'd imagined that the process would be much more mysterious. I'd imagined that the whole department would vote on whether I should get tenure. I'd imagined I'd need outside letters to go in my final tenure application. I thought this was "how it worked" everywhere. It isn't. I also imagined I'd feel much more angst surrounding the tenure process, and that my time on the tenure-track would be typified by lots of anxiety about meeting requirements. This hasn't been the case. I also thought that my colleagues would be much more mysterious about what they expected from me. Not so, not at this institution in my department. (I specify my department because word on the street is that things are less clear in other departments.) I suppose the point of all of this is that the tenure process is highly specific to institutional and departmental culture. And most advice that you will get from anyplace outside of your institution and department will relate to how the process works at research universities, or at elite SLACs. If you don't work at one of the above, that advice will likely not be of much use to you. The tenure process is quirky, and it depends on where you actually work. Knowing that from the outset I think is useful.

3. How I've Approached the Job While on the Tenure-Track

So, I noted that I've not felt much (if any) anxiety about meeting the benchmarks for tenure here. That said, I think the "probationary period" does influence how we approach the job, or at least it has for me. I think I was less likely to put down roots here because I didn't feel secure that this was where I'd remain. I think that I continued to feel pressure to go on the market to move up the academic food chain because that was what I was "supposed" to do, even though I really do feel like this institution really fits my ambitions and what I want in the profession. I think I sometimes felt like I was producing more than my peers, and so I was "better" than this place, with its less rigorous tenure requirements. I think in some ways I wanted the process to be more mysterious and less friendly, in order for it to "mean" something more than it feels like it "means" here. So those are the negatives.

But the positives are that I really have felt like I could just sort of do my thing and that it would be fine. Sure, I published more (far more) than I "needed" to do for tenure, but not because I felt like there was a gun to my head. I just sort of puttered along and followed ideas and opportunities as they came to me. I taught classes that filled gaps in the curriculum and that dovetailed with my research interests. Especially after I got the hang of things a bit more, I did service that interested me and that I felt was rewarding. (At first I didn't really understand that there's more than enough service to go around, and so I did a lot of service that I resented. Not that I'm completely un-resentful when it comes to service these days, but it's not necessarily the dominant thing I feel when I think about the service that I do.) I've really felt a lot of intellectual and professional freedom in this job, even without tenure.

4. What "Tenure" Means?
But so if I already feel like I have intellectual and professional freedom, what is the point of tenure? Hmmm. This is the question I've been pondering lately. Well, there's not having to do the Dreaded Binder each year. That's truly awesome. But that's probably not the only benefit, or if it is, that will be a bit of a let-down, no? As I think about it, I think that the biggest change that I'll feel will have to do with being able to feel like I can fully invest in this place - both the community itself and the institution. Instead of being so focused on my accomplishments and how I'm perceived, I'll be able to take a greater role in shaping the future of the university, in speaking up in ways that are less diplomatic, in really participating in the life of this place rather than in worrying about whether I'm getting mine, so to speak. I also feel like I'll have some greater freedom to do things that don't easily fit into one or the other of the tenure categories. I think I've been pretty traditional in my approach to what I've written, for example, just because I didn't want there to be any question about whether stuff "counted." Now, it won't matter so much if what I do "counts" or it can "count" in ways that aren't so quantifiable or assessable. I don't need to feel obligated to do two conferences each year just because I'm "supposed" to. I don't need to feel like I need to develop new courses unless I really want to do so. I don't need to feel like I have to say yes to serving on committees that don't interest me. That's not to say that I plan to become dead weight. I don't. I don't think it's really in me to become that. But it is to say that there's a way to be active in the life of one's institution and department that still leaves space for one's personal needs and desires, and I've sometimes sacrificed for the job in certain ways while on the tenure track that I do not plan to do once tenured. And I think it's the prospect of the security of tenure that allows me to think about my whole life in a more complete way. I'll be done being an apprentice. I'll be done proving myself in certain ways. And that's maybe the most exciting thing about finally going up.

5. After This Year, What?
Which leaves the question of whether I can imagine going on the market again, and if I don't do that what that means. Well, here's the thing. I sort of am who I am in the profession at this point. I'm not going to get hired at the associate level anyplace with a higher research profile, and yet I'm too far along on the tenure-track to really be considered for assistant-level, entry-level jobs, and I'm not interested in making a lateral move and starting over someplace new with the same constraints that this place has. What's the point? I make enough money. No, I'll never be rich, but there are things that matter more in life than money. I'm fairly close to family, and it's not worth moving farther from them than I am now. Would I perhaps want to be even closer to them? Perhaps, but the likelihood of managing that is probably pretty small. I like my colleagues. I like my life. No, I think I'm dug in. I think this is where I plan to stay.

And I think I don't care if that seems like that's giving up, which I'll admit it does seem that way to me sometimes. I think that I internalized enough of the competitiveness of this profession to sometimes feel like I'm "settling." But you know, maybe it'll be nice to settle here. Maybe that's a reward, ultimately, rather than some kind of curse. I think about all of the people who long to settle in someplace, but who go from adjunct gig to adjunct gig, or VAP to VAP, and I wonder why I think "settling" is something negative. I mean, dude, "settling," after these years of not feeling like I could really settle, sounds kind of awesome.

So those are my thoughts about how the tenure process has felt to me throughout and about what I think I might feel once this year of waiting is over (knocking on wood that all goes well, of course). Of course, I may feel nothing of the kind. Or I may be denied tenure, in which case I'll totally lose my shit. But I don't think that's in the cards (crossing fingers, etc.). At any rate, we shall see.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Ok, So the Metaphor of FB Yesterday WAS Disgusting...

And yet, I thought of him today when I sprouted (is that the right word?) the rare zit on my chin. Perhaps the emotional angst goes hand in hand with the maladies of the skin? And if so, perhaps as disgusting as his mind is in conceiving of metaphors for my emotional state, he may not be utterly foolish?

There is nothing worse than a blemish on the chin. Unless it is a blemish on the nose. There but for the grace of god go I.

RBOC: Retreats Are Much More Exhausting and Boring Than the Name Would Indicate Edition

  • So the retreat wasn't too terribly painful. I arrived about 40 minutes after the "continental breakfast" was to start, and I was concerned that the actual agenda would have begun, as it was supposed to have done, when I sped up in my little car. But no! I planned things perfectly, as we didn't get started until a full 10 minutes after that. Apparently 5 years on the tenure-track is good for something, as I apparently understand the rhythm of my department well enough to be able to sleep in a little bit :)
  • The retreat itself was ok. Good conversations. Will be interesting to see if anything practical actually emerges from them. One can only hope.
  • In other great news, I came home to two things of note: 1) I'll be reviewing a manuscript for a Very Good Journal for which I've never reviewed anything before, which I know is invisible service, but it does make me feel like I am Fancy and Have Stature in the Profession, and 2) My cousin and his wife are having another baby!!!!!! This is very exciting news, as I love their kids, and I've always wanted them to have more babies (they've already got 3 kids), and so this means that I shall have a new infant to coo at in 6 months' time. Hurrah!
  • All systems appear to be go with putting up my online course without the aid of the Useless Office Whose Responsibility It's Supposed to Be to Help with Such Matters. I love my colleagues in my own department, who are generous and helpful and the most efficient and wonderful people ever.
  • Well, except some of the colleagues who aren't all those things, but I don't have very much interaction with those ones, so they don't bother me one way or the other.
  • I'm also very excited for classes to start next week, other than the whole online fiasco, because even the one that is, arguably, the least attractive is full to the gills. I am popular! Really and truly popular! (So now the next agenda item is to be so mean and scary the first day that a few drop each of the courses. We'll see how that goes.) I'm also very excited about seeing some of my favorite students in those courses. (I almost just called them "repeat offenders" but that perhaps sends the wrong message :) )
  • But so now I have work that I should accomplish, but am feeling a bit drained from the whole "retreat" business. Perhaps a nap is in order?
  • I don't think I actually have a cold. I just needed a cocktail of allergy meds to alleviate the effects of the Poisonous Weed Allergens that fill the skies.

Deja Vu All Over Again

I am attempting to motivate myself (read: drinking coffee) to get ready (read: slap on some clothes and make sure I have a notebook for doodling with me) to go to a "retreat" (read: day-long meeting at which nothing will be accomplished) at which the primary item on the agenda is, wait for it, the exact same agenda item that was featured during my first year at this job at a similar retreat.

I suppose one benefit of this do-over is that it does confirm that nothing is actually accomplished at these retreats.

In other news, I'm feeling awfully sniffly, in spite of allergy meds. I think I might have a summer cold. It would figure, wouldn't it?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Meltdown

There was crying and complaining and rambling and yelling and all the usual things that go with the deal when I have one of these... well, I suppose one could call it a tantrum. It's a lot like a tantrum. Except only jerks throw tantrums, and I'm not a jerk.

FB bore the brunt of this particular episode, but he seems to think that I have a pattern. The metaphor he used was related to having good skin, quite a lovely and clear complexion - emotionally, that is, although I do have this in my real life as well - but that every few months or so I get a horrible and disgusting zit that ultimately will, and this is so disgusting, pop. Remember, this is my emotions we're discussing here. So, sure, this image is totally horrifying, because apparently I'm an emotional puss-filled zit that needs to pop, but as FB notes, some people are emotional rash-havers who always have fucked up splotches that itch all over them and they never can get it to clear up, so at least I don't have that. I will say this disgusting metaphor did distract me from my wailing and it kind of is true that I do have these periodic freak-outs and that it's not unlike what he describes, I suppose, how I need to just totally melt down periodically. FB understands me so well. And he really listened quite patiently while I raved like a maniac.

What's sick is that I still kind of feel like crying. I hate the transition from summer back into the academic year. It really fucks me up.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

In Which It Becomes Clear That My Online Course Will Not Be as Cool As I'd Like

Ok, so I'm not going to spew all of the venom that I would like to spew on this subject, but suffice it to say that it is very difficult to do an excellent online course when resources that one was made to believe were readily available and easily accessible are not, in fact, either. Oh, the course will go, and it will be fine, but I am pretty much decided that I will not be enlisting the "help" of the office that is supposed to exist for the purpose of serving faculty in my area. In some (many?) respects, this will make my life much easier. In other respects, I'm filled with rage that it's "easier" to do a brand new course without support than with it.

The only thing that tempers my rage is that at least this course is for a department that is not my own and is about subject matter that I don't give two shits about. Well, that's not really true. I'm interested in the subject matter. But I am not committed to it, and it will not play a role in my broader life as a scholar. Which is why I agreed to do this course in the first place.

But at the same time, all of that excitement I was feeling this morning and all of that energy I had seems to be gone. Why? Because it doesn't matter one way or the other how invested I am. So I'm just letting it go. I'll do my best, within the constraints, and that will have to be just fine. Fuck it.

Ooh! More Inspiration!

So, this afternoon, I went into campus to get two of the films I'll be teaching for my class. I ended up having an impromptu meeting with a colleague, and as we chatted, it was revealed that I may get to teach a brand new course next summer!

I'd only been thinking of this theme for a course in a scattered sort of way while I was in Lebanon, and I'd figured I'd never teach it. See, I was thinking about it in terms of redesigning one of my upper-level undergrad courses this year, but then I decided that I didn't like the idea of revamping that particular course because I love it so as it is. And so, it was going to go the way of many new course ideas that I've had over the ages: into the ether.

But no! See, if I teach this course next summer, I'll teach it as a GRAD course. And it would give me an excuse to teach a bunch of stuff that doesn't fit into the other courses that I teach. AND - and perhaps this is the biggest AND of all - as I threw the idea out to my colleague, it occurred to me that this would be my next writing project: an article that would come out of this particular course. And it might be an article about teaching, or about the lit - not sure. But then I thought - because I'm never one to have one idea without a follow-up idea that is big and crazy - so does this mean that my plan post-tenure is a series of articles? Could be. But then I thought, what if what I wanted to write was about teaching? And if so, maybe what I really should do is write a book about teaching.

Not a textbook; a book about teaching. And this is where my ideas get the better of me, because I have no idea who would publish such a book, what the audience for it would be, or what would go in it. And, because I'm a weirdo, those are the sorts of ideas that always capture my imagination most, naturally.

Maybe it's really a good thing that school's starting again, for it seems to have energized not only my teaching brain but also my scholarly brain.

But so I won't know for a while whether I'll be teaching this course or not. It all depends on what would be most advantageous for the program, and I'm not going to steamroll my way into teaching it. But if I do teach it, what is the course?

A course on terrorism. That's right. The idea would be to teach 4 or 5 novels maximum, one novel per unit. Each unit would then also feature selections of poetry, non-fiction, and theory. And each unit would explore terrorism from a different angle - so we'd talk about Irish nationalism and the IRA in one unit, radical Islam in another.... you get the picture. Wouldn't that be so totally cool? And we could explore things like gender and terrorism and domestic terrorism and well, really, the list just goes on and on. I'm so excited!!!! Of course, the whole idea could come to nothing. But wouldn't it be so great if it didn't? Ok, need to get back to work, as the afternoon is quickly getting away from me.

Procrastination As Excellent Inspiration for What May Be a Very Cool Course

Ok, so I've been working solidly on my online class. People, what can I say? All this time I've spent not working on it? Totally awesome! Indeed, I do believe that in the back of my procrastinating brain ideas have been percolating! The course design - it goes swimmingly! I'm super-interested in what they'll be reading (have spent the morning doing reading questions to guide their analysis), I can totally see the connections to the lectures that I'll put up about interdisciplinarity and writing and methodology and such, and hell, I feel like I'm going to learn a ton over the course of the semester!

Of course, these are all famous last words, probably. But seriously: I don't think I am in nearly the bind I imagined I was. I think I'll be able to finish the reading questions by around 1 PM (ETA: 12:30 PM and the reading questions are finished! I just need to type them into documents!), and then I can move to doing the power points and lecture notes that I'll need to go in super-prepared for my meeting tomorrow with Tech Guru. The only major challenge that I should encounter is being able to get all of the movie stuff figured out between this afternoon and tomorrow, as I'll be teaching four films I've never taught before in this course, and really, I can't possibly hope to watch them all tonight. That said, I don't really need to do so, as long as I have all of the movies available to put onto the course website tomorrow. (Also ETA: The films that I needed to get from Amazon just arrived! Huzzah! So a slight change in plans: Am going to school so as to get the other films from the library, and then will watch the films while working on the typing things in as well as doing some questions for guiding the viewing of those and some lecture notes about them. Ah, multitasking! Huzzah!)

So anyway, you may be wondering what this course is. Well, it's not a course for my department. Instead, it's an interdisciplinary course that will serve another major on campus, the goal of which is to have them work in a sustained way on interdisciplinary approaches to research. The theme of the class is "social class," and so they'll be reading four books, and watching four films. The rest of the course will be devoted to strategies for integrating research across academic disciplines and to how to write using a multidisciplinary approach and methodology. The class will include one major paper, a portfolio assignment, and three blog posts to a class blog (and they'll have to comment to other classmates' blog posts on weeks when they're not posting). It will be a lot of writing for them, and a fair amount of reading/grading for me, but all in all, I feel like it's a completely manageable amount of work for all of us.

The one thing that still nags is that I'm going to miss the freewheeling nature of how discussion and lecture works in my traditional classroom. I am hoping that the class blog will go a long way toward facilitating a version of that - I mean, we have freewheeling discussions here, right? - but it still won't be the same as what happens in the in-person classroom. I find myself wondering about how I can be funny or encouraging in writing without them misreading me as mean and demanding. How do I create an online teaching persona that reflects my offline teaching persona without losing something? But then I wonder what I might gain from this experiment in going online with a class. How will it influence my "regular" teaching persona, if at all?

At any rate, I just thought you all might like a less whiny and bitchy post to move the whining and bitching of the past two down the page a bit.

(I am totally getting excited to get back in the classroom. This semester will be awesome! Yay!)

A Totally Inappropriate and Weird Rant That May Be Offensive, or Just Plain Mean

So, last night I had a very hard time falling asleep, which never happens, and as you might suspect from the fact that I'm blogging now, I didn't sleep terribly well once I did fall asleep. Ok, that's not entirely true. I fell asleep just fine on the couch around 10 PM, was awakened when the phone rang at 12:45, had an hour-long phone conversation about issues surrounding 1) departmental politics that are not mine and 2) spirituality, and then tried to go to sleep again. First, I couldn't fall asleep. The combination of being angry about departmental politics that weren't mine plus my irritation at even the notion of spiritual quests had my mind racing. When I finally did fall asleep, horrible anxiety dreams ensued, dreams involving ex-boyfriends, my potential death by drowning in Lake Erie, a scene where I bought a magic wand and was given some sort of phrase that would trigger my knowing how to use it (which actually is where things started looking up dream-wise, except I've obviously now forgotten the phrase that would have made my wand work).

So why was I so angry about departmental bullshit that isn't even my departmental bullshit? Because the person involved.... how do I put this? I feel like there are certain things that when they happen, you're supposed to stand up and take notice and pay attention. Certain things irrevocably show you who the people around you are, and how you respond then in turn shows you what kind of person you yourself are. And if you attempt to continue to play along with those people once you've seen their true colors, thinking that this will "get you what you want," ultimately you become complicit in a system that will never "get you what you want." You're tricked into playing a game that will never serve you because those in charge of the game are not trustworthy. And I know that I sound reactionary and rigid, but I really do believe this. Now, sometimes we've got no choice but to play the game. But if a person has tenure, wouldn't one think that this would give one the power to call bullshit and to leave it at that, at least for a bit? Why plot and plan and scheme in ways that would make you just like the underhanded double-dealers who are screwing you? And why defend the underhanded double-dealers as if they're not only out for themselves, which clearly they are, no matter what else they've given lip service to - defend them, and accuse the person to whom you've brought this problem of thinking the whole thing is bullshit and that these people suck not because the whole thing is bullshit and these people suck but because she is biased for outside reasons having nothing to do with the bullshit and sucky people?

(It may not help that I'm biased for reasons having nothing to do with the bullshit and sucky people. But even so, if you bring something to biased me, you've got to expect a biased response. It's not like I'm hiding my bias or something.)

But anyway, this then segued into a discussion of how the person in this departmental pickle has been trying to be more spiritually grounded, etc., but by the end of the conversation, I felt like the whole "quest for spirituality" crap was a bunch of self-indulgent hooey and that it was only contributing to this person's inability to call a spade a spade regarding the department bullshit as well as to, I don't know, wake up and realize that being "zen" about everything is really fucking annoying and perhaps counterproductive to maintaining relationships with actual human beings (especially human beings who have Midwestern sensibilities, who were raised Catholic, and who ultimately think that people who detach from everything and attempt to do away with their "ego" - or claim to - pretty much are heartless automatons, or want to be heartless automatons, which might actually be worse, now that I think of it).

And so yes. I went to bed at 2, and I woke up at 6, and I am still seething about all of the above. And I really don't understand why, except perhaps that PMS has a tiny bit to do with it? Well, and I want to shake the person who called me. I mean, why call me with all of that if you're not going to listen to anything I say and follow my advice? And you know what else? I'm even more pissed off because the person involved was all, "I'm totally not pissed off, or at least I don't think I am." Guess what, Sherlock? If you weren't pissed off, you wouldn't have spent the last three days updating me on this situation and then called me at 12:45 to tell me all of the latest gory details. Sure, you want to be "above" anger or something because anger is "egoic" (which is not a real word), but that doesn't mean that you're not bothered, so don't pretend you're not. GRRRR!

And no, I will not be reading Eckart Tolle's books anytime soon unless somebody buys them for me. And even then, we're looking at the end of October before I'd get to it because in the next 8 weeks I'll be teaching (and reading, at least in some fashion) Ulysses, Pride and Prejudice, The Swimming-Pool Library, Class (Paul Fussel's book), along with countless poems and shorter works. I don't have time to read some book about my "spirit" in the midst of all of that, so I'm just going to have to hope that I can piece something together about my "spirit" from the Western Canon of Literature. If not, I suspect my spirit is fucked. Don't worry, though. I'll find a way to soldier on, I'm sure.

Monday, August 18, 2008

RBOC: Fuck. Damn. Shit.

  • I went to the office after I posted and only just got home now. a.) The kittens do contribute the Culture of Procrastination, and I'm officially mad at them. b.) I'm exhausted. c.) Fuck.
  • I apparently have to do all written documents for my online class tomorrow. Because I'm an idiot, and I scheduled a meeting with the tech guy for Wednesday morning. I'm an idiot. I want to complain about the tech guy, but that would be bad form as I've clearly done this to myself.
  • I got an email from my youngest half-brother (I've got two). I feel like an asshole, but I feel like he didn't write it but rather that my step-monster wrote it pretending to be him. This feeling is probably crazy.
  • I love my thesis student! What's her pseudonym again? Oh yes, it's BES (Bright, Enthusiastic Student). Sure, she didn't really "accomplish" much this summer, but our meeting was very productive, and it was also revealed that she won't be graduating until May after all, so the lack of productivity this summer? Excellent! We have a whole extra semester to work together!
  • The final shit for the book should (crossing fingers, praying novenas, etc.) be done. For real this time. Like in theory, barring anything unforeseen, it should be out in October.
  • Oh, and another great thing about BES is she's decided to take a year off after she graduates and not to apply to grad school this fall. This is an excellent decision, I think.
  • How on God's Green Earth can school be starting in one week? How can I do all the things I need to do? And is drinking wine really advisable right now? Perhaps not, but I am drinking wine right now.
  • How can everybody I run into seem all rested and relaxed and ready to begin again?
  • And I really have to remember that I can't talk to myself in public. This is one of the problems with living alone and with cats. It seems normal to just say things out loud. It is not normal.
  • I really have to work on my road rage problem. Esp. as it pertains to a certain traffic circle on campus. You know what would help with this? If people weren't fucking idiots in the traffic circle.
  • Please tell me that I can get everything done. I know it's a lie, but please tell me this anyway.

Remember How This Is an "Academic" Blog?

Indeed. One week from today classes begin. And so this week begins the following:
  • Meeting with students.
  • Meeting with colleagues.
  • Forcing myself to finalize that online class and getting it up and running (which really, will be no small feat given my horrifying lack of progress on that score).
  • Getting myself back on a sleeping schedule that in some way resembles my teaching schedule.
  • Cleaning out my campus mailbox, which hasn't been empty since... who knows when.
I've got to say, I'm both ready and not ready to go back. This morning I received pages from my thesis student, and I was excited to read what she's written, and I'm excited to meet with her later today, even though I feel like she's not going to be terribly happy with some of the feedback I give her. I also plan to spend most of the day at the office, taking care of the final book stuff that I've been procrastinating about, and making a solid start on the home stretch of the online course and on updating my website, which I've not touched for like a year. I feel like perhaps my wee kitty-cats have been assisting me in cultivating a Culture of Procrastination in the home, and so a change of scenery may go a long way toward increasing productivity.

But then, I'm also not ready to go back. I have so much work to do. And I'm not in the mood to do work. Not at all. One bright spot is that I don't really have anything on my research plate at the moment, which makes me feel like even with all of that work, I can have some semblance of a "normal" life. But the first weeks are always so intense and draining.

Part of that is just the shock of being so inundated with people in the first weeks. That's always the part of the fall semester that throws me, as much as I've now come to expect it. Just the sheer number of people who need my attention and who want to have conversations with me always exhausts me at first, before I get used to it. Now, I'm a friendly and people-oriented person, but in the summer, well, I don't have the volume of contact with other human beings. While on the one hand I look forward to that change each year - for I do tend to get a bit sick of myself by summer's end - I also know that it will knock me on my ass for the first little bit.

And this year will be both the same and different than the ones before it because this year I go up for tenure. I'm not sure what to say about that at the moment, but I do want to write more about it and about how the tenure-track has worked for me at this institution over the past years. One thing that becomes increasingly apparent to me is how totally different the tenure process is not only based on institution type but also based on a lot of other factors. That's something that probably we should talk more about in academia, because it just seems weird to me that we spend all of these years getting trained to do a job, we somehow manage to get one, but then we have no idea at the outset what the real requirements are for the next step. Sure, there's some mix of teaching/service/research required, but I feel like what that means - and how one proves it - isn't always terribly transparent. So look for me to write about that as I finalize the Big Binder of Tenure Application and think more about it.

But ok, I've procrastinated enough. If I really hope to get lots done today, I'd better get in the shower.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Adventures in Baking

Ok, I don't really know what's gotten into me, but I've had the urge to bake something for the past few days, and so this morning I did some research and right now I am baking something that might be the most awesome thing ever.

Oatmeal Breakfast Bars, people. Following the advice of some of the reviewers, I substituted Splenda for sugar and apple sauce for oil, so this recipe is pretty much 100% healthy (if you ignore how much sugar is in dried fruit of all types). And, for those of you who care about such things, it's vegan. That's right: no dairy, no eggs. It also doesn't use flour or any wheat products. I suppose if one wanted to go crazy, one could even make it using only organic ingredients, but Crazy had to draw the line somewhere and so she bought the cheap-ass Quaker oatmeal and not the Red Mill fancy kind, and she bought Kroger nuts, because dude, nuts are nuts.

And it took no time at all to do the prep. And my house smells DIVINE. Ooh! and now they're done! And they are delicious! And nutritious!

I feel like I am going to make a version of this once a week (changing up the nuts and fruits, etc.) to have for satisfying snacking and breakfast-on-the-go needs.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Adventures in Cooking

Ok, so I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't go to the grocery store until I actually was done eating the food that would go bad in my refrigerator. This led to a bit of experimentation.

Sure, I could have made Hungarian ham and cabbage (pathetic lunch meat version), or I could have made pasta with Italian chicken sausage. Or I could have made my Thai/Indian fusion chicken curry (fusion only because I sort of made up the recipe). But no. I had to experiment.

It all began with the dried beans in my cupboard. I thought to myself, "Self, what's more lovely in the summer than a cold bean salad?" And then I remembered that I had lowfat bacon. And so then I consulted the internet. Now, this recipe got rave reviews, but the thought of using mayo grossed me out, I have no canned beans in the house, and I had a whole head of cabbage that I needed to use. And thus began the experimentation.

Here's what I ultimately came up with:

Ingredients:

  • approx. 10 slices center cut bacon (I presume one could use turkey bacon as well).
  • dressing made from olive oil, dijon mustard, balsamic vinegar, and approx. a tablespoon of splenda. Medusa always complains that I don't give proper measurements, so I won't even pretend here. I just made what seemed like enough, to taste.
  • approx. 3/4 cup dried black beans, soaked and cooked.
  • approx. 1 1/2 cups dried great northern beans, soaked and (tragically slightly over-)cooked.
  • 1 head cabbage, shredded (or just cut with a knife in a not terribly conscientious way, as I did).
  • 4 ribs of celery, chopped.
  • 1 medium onion, diced.
And, like 7 hours later, here's what I ended up with:


I have to say, it tastes better than it looks. Were I to do it again, I'd use either red cabbage instead of regular or red beans instead of white. But the cabbage and celery and onion is pleasantly crunchy, and the beans are pleasantly creamy, and bacon is pleasantly bacony, even though I do believe that this recipe I've constructed makes approximately 8 servings or so, so there really isn't very much bacon.

Actually, the more I eat, the more pleased I am with this experiment. Mmm. Yummy. Sweet, and salty. Slightly spicy with the dijon. I should totally go on The Next Food Network Star (even though none of them typically becomes an actual star.... as BFF and I noted, it's really "the Next Person We Might Give a Chance in Hell by letting 6 episodes of a show air on Sunday morning"... and even if I did get on, I couldn't, like, open a coconut or debone a chicken or whatever, so I'd be out in like week 3 at the latest).

So yeah. That's what has been happening at the House of Crazy. Experimental salad creation.

I have not, tragically, worked at all on the Online Class that I Clearly Am Avoiding. Tomorrow? Perhaps.

Friday, August 15, 2008

An Absolutely Perfect 34th Birthday

And I didn't do a damned thing.

That's right. No big celebration, no drinks or dinners out or anything like that.

I had cake for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, napped with the kitties during a blissful few hours, and made enchiladas for dinner.

There was some glorious flipping back and forth between an ANTM marathon and What Not to Wear, and then, most awesomely, I watched what might be the worst Lifetime Movie Ever (but apparently one from which I cannot look away), the classic "I Me Wed." Oh, and I took a restorative bath with some lovely lavender bath oil, read my Elle magazine in the tub, did a face mask and finally used this Frederic Fekkai hair mask sample that I'd been saving for months, and I talked to my best friend from high school on the phone. I did no work, and I had a day that was all about relaxing and doing whatever I wanted (which turned out to be vegging mostly, but still, it was joyous).

I started my new journal, made some plans for it and for what I'd like to do moving forward with it and with myself, and yep, that's pretty much it.

And so now I'm having a glass of delicious pomegranate and cherry immunity defense crystal light, and typing this blog post, and then I think I shall go to bed and read for a bit and then blissfully fall asleep.

And you know what? I wouldn't change a single thing about this day and night. It was exactly how I wanted to spend the day. Exactly.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

'Twas the Night Before Crazy's Birthday... 2008 Edition

As I went to title this post, I realized I'd used the exact same title for last year. Apparently, I decide to write about my birthday on the Eve of it, and apparently, I find the same titles compelling year after year. It's a wonder you people continue to read! And yet you do, and this is wonderful, if I do say so myself. But so at any rate, it's as good a time as any for some (more) self-reflection, this time of the non-blog-related variety.

So, how are things? If I do say so myself, I think they're quite good. I'm feeling kind of quiet as this, my 34th, birthday rolls around. I have no big plans for celebration, and while my friends near and far seem to wonder at whether this is a good thing, seriously, after the summer I've had, I'm sort of excited to have nothing going on. Between teaching and the article and the book and the visitors and the new kitten and the travels... well, I've had a hella-busy summer, and I'm feeling sort of exhausted by it all. In other words, looking forward to doing absolutely NOTHING in the coming days is actually sort of fantastic. Of course, I can't really do absolutely nothing. I've got an online course to slap together, along with emails to catch up on (I'm making slow progress), and who knows what else. But really, I have no agenda for tomorrow or for the weekend, and that's lovely.

Looking back over my journal from the last year and a half or so, which I plan to finish up with tonight/tomorrow so as to begin a new journal which was a birthday present to myself - and which actually looks quite lovely with a totally unexpected birthday present from FL that I received yesterday, a lovely Montblanc pen that is black on the base and the cap but orange in the middle - and looking at my navel-gazing on the blog from about a year ago, I feel like I'm making some progress.

The greater ease I was feeling last year about the job has only increased, and I really do feel like it's cool if I end up here forever. Of course, the "smart" thing to do would be to go on the market this year.... I guess. FB and I were talking about this, and I know that he's sort of right, but I also feel like I have no interest in going on the market because it's the "smart" thing to do. I'm not going to make substantially more money than I'm making now even if the Richest University in the World were to hire me (the salary range in English just isn't that big), and the thought of starting over someplace else... well, I'm not so into that. The thing about my current gig is I do feel settled and comfortable and, well, empowered. So while I've considered sending out applications this fall, I kind of am not terribly enthusiastic about it and I wonder whether I'd really like to expend my energy on doing so. Whatever the case, I'm definitely not going to MLA, which makes sending things out sort of pointless for many jobs, I'd imagine. Why am I definitely not going to MLA when I love it so, you ask? Well, because I'm committed to being at the next three after this one, and even the MLA-loving me needs a freaking break. I cannot imagine not taking this year off. So there we are.

Personally, in terms of the romance business, well, things sort of are in a comfortable if not ideal place as well. Sure, there are things that I'd "want" or whatever, but I'm not feeling all angsty about anything. Nah, things are what they are on that score, and that's just fine with me.

Personally, in terms of just my own personal situation, like finances, I'm making great headway on debt, the book will come out - with a lovely blurb on the back - and yep, things are good there, too.

I suppose, although it's almost cheesy to write, I feel as if I've got a lot to be thankful for on this birthday eve. A good life, good friends, good wine (for a change), and a good plan for going forward. I don't feel so much like I'm chasing my tail, although a certain wee Mr. Stripey is currently doing just that :)

Actually, speaking of Mr. Stripey, FB has admonished me that this blog template needs an update because "you have two cats now," and apparently, it is a grievous offense that I am not showcasing the one that he prefers in this here space. I explained to him that I didn't even do this template, so the likelihood of my changing it was quite small indeed, and so if it was such a problem for him then he would need to do it for me. As I explained to him, changing it would involve a complete overhaul, because the current stripey template wouldn't go if Mr. Stripey, with his non-orange stripes, were in the header. FB may or may not be taking on this task, especially since he didn't seem to enjoy my insistence that I wouldn't use whatever he did if I didn't like it.

Until that day comes when the template changes, however, perhaps you would enjoy a picture of Mr. Stripey. Here he is, stretched out to his full stripey-ness. You can also see how it looks like he's a kitten wearing a kitten-suit, with a zipper.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Some More Navel-Gazing, This Time in Response to Comments

First, thanks to those of you who commented to the last post. I do suspect that what I'm feeling right now in relation to writing here and blogging generally does have to do with summer doldrums + post-book funk, but I wanted to pick up on what people posted in the comments in an actual post, because thinking about how you all responded is allowing me to think through my own state with more focus.

First, I'm going to extract from some of my excellent readers' comments. Profgrrrrl wrote:

This post really resonates with me -- and I'm one of those people who has all of those crazy life transition things going on right now. [...] Or ... well ... I feel oddly self-conscious about turning my blog into all wedding and baby all the time. I mean, that's what's going on with my life right now, and while it's interesting to me it's not interesting to anyone else. Or at least the parts that are interesting me right now wouldn't necessarily be interesting to others, so I've tried to restrict myself to things like going on leave, which don't seem to be discussed often and try to make the situation more about academics and less just about what's going on in my life. I'm annoyed because I feel like I've lost my voice and it's my own fault.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack comments here. This post just gave me the moment of release about this stuff.


Along similar lines, Earnest English wrote:

I read your post and the above comments and then went away from it for a while (partly because I was hungry and made something to eat, partly because I feel a bit on the spot about blogs turning from academic blogs to more personal blogs, specifically about relationships and babies -- which of course has been my dominant theme since I haven't been IN the academy in that official way). While I was away, I was thinking about this post and what I like about the blogs I read. I like not that they are academic blogs, but they are blogs by and about people in the academy.


Both of these comments made me want to reinforce what perhaps didn't come through so clearly in my last post: my problem isn't with people who are blogging about their big life changes, whatever those changes might be. Like EE, I like to read blogs that are about people's lives, whatever shape those lives are taking. And my intent here is not at all to judge people for what they choose to write or not to write on their blogs. I don't necessarily enjoy blogs that are all academic all the time, nor do I want this one to become that or think that it should become that. And god, if one can't write about major things in one's life like having a kid or getting married, then that sort of defeats the purpose of blogging, if blogging is supposed to be a medium that allows for such flexibility of content, which I think it is or at least should be. And it should be possible to write about that stuff without it meaning losing our voices. And dude, Profgrrrrl, you so weren't hijacking with your comment!

I think that the resistance I'm feeling (which feels a bit like trying to get a car out of a muddy ditch by rocking back and forth) has to do with a feeling that what I'm "supposed" to write about (as a woman) doesn't match up with what I do write about or want to write about, if that makes sense. In other words, I think I'm imposing certain kinds of gender norms on myself while at the same time I'm resisting that impulse to impose such norms. And this feeling of being pulled in two directions isn't really imposed from outside, though outside forces exacerbate my tendency to do this to myself. And by outside forces, I don't really mean that individual folks in the blogosphere are making me feel this stuff. It's more a combination of factors - like people in Lebanon asking why I'm not married, like M. attempting to articulate what kind of "man" I "deserve," the fact that the only "personal" blogging endorsed by IHE is the Mama Ph.D. blog, and the fact that tons of people around me are pregnant or moving in with significant others or getting married or whatever. It's like I've hit some sort of threshold where I'm "supposed" to be focusing on things other than my career or myself or whatever, and that if I'm not focusing on those things, and continuing to be a careerist self-absorbed freak, that there's something wrong with me. And again, that's me who's putting all of that shit on myself, really.

(This paragraph will go poof in the service of the pseudonym.) Poof!

I think that I'm feeling like the only things that I'm supposed to be thinking about are "girl" things, and since I'm not, that in some way makes me lame, or a loser. But the problem is, in terms of my options in blogworld that are readily apparent, I can't just retreat into a masculine (masculinist?) version of gender and sexuality and call it a day, later to return to the "girl" things, which is what I did once I felt more secure, in my academic life. I could make the choice, in that version of myself as a writer, to "see how the other half lived" and to return to the "girl" things with fresh insights. But what is the alternative, if one wants to write personally, which I do, to mommy blogging or single-girl-looking-for-love blogging? I think that's the bigger question that I'm thinking about, and I'm not sure that I know the answer to it. Sure, I could have a purely "professional" blog, but since I'd have no interest in reading that, I'm certainly not going to write it. And the "personal" writing that some male bloggers do is typically centered on fatherhood, so that's not really an option for me either. What is the model for writing personally in one's mid-30s if one isn't going to write about relationships or kids? Because I'm not going to complain about the politics of my department or my students or my colleagues. That would just be tacky, and it wouldn't solve this particular tension that I'm feeling.

What was also interesting to me about the comments was that Rokeya and Gwinne both noted that this blog is not, to them, a HeteroBlog (grin) and that this is something they appreciate about it. You know, I'm not sure what to write in response other than that I'm so flattered that this is something that they don't think that I do here! It's funny, a friend of mine just got into a relationship with a woman, after previously only having relationships with men, and at the very start she noted that I was a better "cultural lesbian" than she was, which made me laugh, and yet, which I also agreed with. You know, that's the thing, and this is another place where what I do in my blogging life conjoins with my work: As much as I'm straight as the day is long, I really do consciously try actively to resist falling into certain kinds of heteronormative traps. And as much as I feel this tension about how to write here at the moment, one of the reasons I don't want to stop this blog and why I don't want to change the voice or venue is because I think I've found a way to perform that resistance here. (I know this sounds all theory-speaky, but it's the only way I know how to put it. And also, that's not to say that I've done this perfectly, because I haven't. But it's been a consistent aim.) The point isn't that I wouldn't write about it if I got engaged, or pregnant, or fell in love, or whatever, but I don't want to write about it in the way that I'm supposed to write about that stuff. Because ultimately, if I did, that would really be counter to the way that I've really tried, not only on the blog but also in my academic writing, to write as a woman, a straight woman, in a way that is gendered but yet that isn't sort of heteronormatively gendered, if that makes sense. (Yes, these are the convoluted thoughts that I have when I think about my writing voice. And yes, this probably has something to do with the fact that some of my most significant mentors have been gay men.)

(Another paragraph that will go poof!) Poof!

But another great thing about the comments (Mel's, Helenesch's, Powerprof's) is that they reminded me of the way that we can judge ourselves as "boring" or insignificant or whining while others still get something out of what we write. This is one of the greatest things about this community of bloggers that we've got here, people. We're all universally interested in one another. Not because we "should" be or because it relates to those academic hoops that we jump through, but because we have grown to care about each other. And yeah, that's cheesy, but I still read Mel and Powerprof, and they still read me, even though all of us feel like we're annoying and boring. That's awesome - don't you think? I mean, how many of us can say that we're this committed to reading anything scholarly that anybody we know writes? (Though maybe all of you are that committed, and I'm just a crappy scholar. Anyway.) My point here is that even though I know this navel-gazing that I'm doing these past two posts is tedious, I also know from how people respond that you are actually interested in that I'm thinking about it. And that matters so, so much. Because that is something that just doesn't happen with one's scholarly writing, you know? I mean, sure, you can bully some people who are your friends into reading it, and sometimes people read it by happenstance because it's related to their own work, but there isn't the immediate feedback or the support or the real caring that my readers, pretty much without fail, exhibit. So you know what? Thanks. Because I do feel like I needed that support today.

And of course I'll write about the "what's next" stuff as I get to it. Not sure when that will happen, but it certainly won't be top secret :)

Bored with Blogging? Kinda.

So, last night I was in a funk. I almost blogged about it, actually, but it was a funk of such boring proportions that I ended up deleting the opening paragraph of the post I began and then retiring to bed to wallow in irritation and self-pity until FB called me and listened to me rave for a bit, and then made me watch this AWESOME thing that I'd not heard about because I was out of the country and FB was right that it did totally improve my mood and make me into a shiny happy person like my normal non-disgruntled self. But anyway, so what does all of this have to do with blogging? One of the things that I raved about to FB was blogging, actually. I'm not even sure of what I was raving on about, but he immediately cut in with the following:

"Crazy, the problem is you're bored. With blogging. Your blog is long overdue for a shift of some kind, or something. This has been true for months."

I found this insight, well, shocking. Because the thing is, he's kind of right. Which, of course, was mildly annoying, and it meant I had to interrogate him about how long he knew these things and demand why he'd not mentioned them to me sooner, so I didn't get to think at length about the actual content of his insight, for it was time to go to bed after we got off the phone. But here's an overview of what I briefly mused about once the interrogation and wild demands were taken care of:

  • When I began blogging, I began it as a writing experiment, and the whole "community" aspect of things really wasn't primary to me. As I've continued with the blog, the writing experiment has fallen by the wayside in favor of the "community" part. In some ways this is great. In others - like in terms of the actual content of what ends up on the blog - it's less so. See, the writing changes when you feel like you're updating people who know you about your life, etc., and I think it necessarily does become a bit boring. That's not necessarily bad, but it does mean that the blog no longer works as a terribly interesting medium within which I play with my writing.
  • Part of my boredom with blogging isn't so much about my blog but about the fact that my plate is pretty much clear of writing projects. Yep, that's right. Clear. The book is to come out in a couple of months, I've got no articles I'm working on, no conferences in the pipeline, nothing. So what is my next project? And how do I write an academic blog that's interesting when I've not really got any new ideas at the moment and when I'm teaching stuff I've pretty much taught before except for the one class that I'm only teaching because I don't care about it and it means less time in the real-life classroom?
  • Part of my feeling... hemmed in by blogging as a genre has to do with.... Ok, I'm not sure of the word to use here. Competitiveness? No, that's not right. Envy? Not really. Something in that area of words, though. See, there's something about the fact that I feel like many of the people I read are having these big life changes (career changes, babies, marriages, major moves, etc.) and I... well, I feel like my stupid life just doesn't really measure up. And that sucks, because one of the reasons that I started this blog in the first place was because I felt like lives like mine and voices like mine were drowned out by the voices of parents and people with two-body problems, etc., and I was sick of feeling like my concerns didn't "count" as worthy of discussion. But now, even in the blogosphere I feel like everybody is singing those same songs, and the fact is, I don't want to write about that stuff even if I am experiencing it because I feel like we've heard it all before. But let me say that when I write this, this is really about my own writing preferences and issues with voice and it's not meant to be mean to any of you who do write about these things. It's just that I chafe against the feeling that if I'm not writing about that stuff that I'm not... something. Again, I don't even know what words really apply to this vague sense of dissatisfaction and inadequacy.
  • Then I wonder whether some of my chafing against blogging and the genre isn't just my typical back-to-school feeling of being in limbo and vaguely disgruntled - looking forward to having things going on again while at the same time resenting that I'll have things going on again. Blogging since 2004, I've got to say, I know that I go through these phases. It's not that I want to stop blogging - not an option I'm considering at all - but I do want to be interesting again. And I just don't feel like I've been interesting here in quite some time. Dude, I feel like my most interesting posts are the ones that I write in the voices of my cats. And that's just pathetic.
But so, what? I'm not really sure. I like Reassigned Time and the voice that I've developed here and the friends I've made through the blog and the fact that the blog really is integrated into my life now in a way it wasn't when I started. I have no interest in closing up shop or in moving or in reconfiguring what I do here, not really. But I do need something else to get the juices flowing, because the blog really isn't serving that purpose for me right now. I don't think - as FB suggested - that blogging itself has become lame, that as a genre it's run its course. I think it's especially valuable in an academic context that people can use blogs to get insight into the profession, into the way lives look at different kinds of institutions and at different points in the career and hierarchy. I also think that this space - and this community - serve for me as a great place to think things through and to work out things related to the job - whether problems with teaching or whatever - and I wouldn't want to give that up.

At the same time, how many to-do lists can I reasonably expect people to read without deciding I'm the most boring person in the world? I suspect I've already hit that number and surpassed it.

And so, I think the thing that I need to force myself to think about is "what next?" Do I want to start with another scholarly book project? Do I want to write a series of articles and forgo the whole book idea for a while? Do I want to write a novel? Do I want to write a text book? What role to do I want blogging to play in my post-tenure academic life (crossing fingers about tenure this year, etc.)? I doubt I'll be able to decide this without a great deal of moaning and whinging and ruminating. But I think that these are the questions that are on the table, and that must remain on the table if I'm going to get out of my disgruntled funk.

Or maybe school just needs to start again, in which case in two weeks everything will be grand.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Having Bored Myself into Motivation....

I fully intend that today will be a day chock full of productivity. This is my aim. As a way of getting myself out of the house immediately, I do believe that I shall purchase myself some Starbucks coffee on the way, and then it's off to the office I go. The main plans for today are the following:

  1. Final syllabus for copying to send to copy center. And I also sent some assignments there as well! I'm very fancy!
  2. Schedule library day for one class.
  3. Finally decide on books for online class.
  4. Send about 10 people emails of varying lengths and levels of importance. Ok, well, so I didn't finish with all of my emailing, but I did send a number of emails. I should be able to be really and truly done by the end of the week at the absolute latest with the emailing.
  5. Odds and Ends with the book.
  6. Clean shelves in office and organize office desk.
  7. The gym.
Now, that's one heck of a list, and I do acknowledge that. But, if I follow my typical rule of feeling good if I get around 60% of a to-do list done, that means that doing 4 or 5 of these things will put me in really good shape. Yes, that is the way to look at this. Totally.

More when I've finished with the Busy Day of Productivity!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

When Fake People Read Your Real Life Blog

Now, let me just say, that one of the weirder things about my Fake Relationship with the FB is that he's known about the blog from the beginning. Indeed, he knew the Fake Dr. Crazy before he knew the real life person who's constructed her. In many ways, this has proven to be beneficial. First and foremost, it meant that I never used this space to wax diaristic about our Fake Relationship, for I knew anything I'd write could, potentially, be read by one of the main players in said Fake Relationship. I was under no illusions that this space was publicly private, or some such. But, on the other hand, FB is in no way a religious reader of this here blog, as far as I know, since we've become involved in our fake relationship, so sometimes I do write about him, assuming that while he could read what I write here that he's not going to be terribly conscientious about doing so. As he noted once, "you're one long-winded bitch." FB has a bit of a short attention span when it comes to me. If I'm being nice, I'd say that he'd rather hear about what I have to say directly, rather than through the medium of the blog. If I'm not being nice, I'd say that he finds me a wee bit tedious when I ramble on here. Anyway, the point here is that I always assume that he will or could read what I write here, though I don't actually try to communicate things to him through the blog (much more reliable to speak to him directly about whatever's on my mind, especially knowing his less than careful reading habits of me).

But then, every now and again, he'll bring up a post in which I discuss him. Like the time when he got annoyed that I called him "the muse" because he felt I was emasculating him. Or like today, when he claimed that I, like his mom, was "devastated" by his return to his home location, citing the post I did yesterday as evidence of my devastation. Sure he was kidding, but still! I so do not believe that I was "devastated" seeming! I mean, really.

Combine this with his weird insistence at every turn this past week that I don't "care" about him, and I'd suspect that he's fishing for affirmation. From me. I'll admit, my initial gut reaction is to resist such passive-aggressive tactics, if only to prove a point. I mean, really.

But then I thought to myself, self, why not see if he really is reading carefully? Why not actually post about this and see if he says anything about it? So, FB, if you're out there, obviously I adore you, though you are also a silly, silly person. While this is often why I think you're fantastic, I find you much less fantastic when you don't recognize that I'm actually used to you not being around, and thus could not be devastated by it. I also find your silly claims that I don't care about you utterly mystifying, as obviously, if I didn't care about you, you wouldn't be so privileged as to be my Fake Boyfriend. Moreover, you know full well that the reason that I don't just adore you without reservation is that every likelihood is that we will never be geographically compatible and that even if we were one or the other of us would totally ruin the whole thing.

So stop with your nonsense, FB. Obviously I think you're spectacular, which you know full well. And if you don't know this, then you are a total idiot.

Friday, August 08, 2008

School's Out for Summer

Any time this issue comes up - the idea that academics get "summers off" - my knee immediately jerks and productive conversation almost immediately becomes impossible with the person (or people) who've raised the issue. I think this reaction is not unlike the common one that academics have when they're told that they work only during the time that they clock in the classroom, but, ultimately, this "summers off" thing actually pisses me off more. See, I get where the average person thinks the only work we do during the average academic year is to pontificate in front of students, but with a little explanation, most people see where that is a false assumption. Sure, they might not get the profession in its entirety, but they do kind of get that there are many parts to teaching that take time (grading, prep, etc.) and they're willing to accept the idea that we professors may actually work full time when we're teaching.

The summer thing, however, totally mystifies most average people (and even some administrators and/or staff at universities). Which is odd to me, as if they were to take a gander at my contract, they'd see that I'm not paid to work in the summer. In other words, legally, I could very well assert that I do not have to do work in the summertime because I don't technically have paid employment. And that wouldn't mean I'm a slacker: it would just mean that I'm following my contract to the letter. Of course, were I to take that radical step, I would likely lose my job. And so there is the rub.

So much of the work that we do as academics is difficult to account for or to quantify, and this problem is exacerbated in the summer, when we're not actually compensated for the work that we do and not required to be on campus for meetings or classes. And yet, even with these two things being the case, I have always "worked" in the summer, regardless of the fact that I typically do not teach in the summer.

For example, let's take my summer teaching that I did this year off the table and consider the work that I have done.
  • Journal article written and submitted.
  • Proofs for book.
  • Correspondence related to the book (some of which was done in Lebanon).
  • Correspondence related to a conference that was not to be, ultimately.
  • Correspondence related to an executive position in a scholarly organization.
  • Preparation for my four fall classes (some of which was done in Lebanon).
  • Correspondence with students, including my senior thesis student as well as some advisees.
  • Service work for the graduate program that we are starting.
  • Service work for another graduate program with which I am affiliated.
  • Prep for an upper-level class I will teach in the spring (done in Lebanon).
And all told, this has been a somewhat "light" summer work-wise, as I've had no conferences and the book is nearly done. And none of this work has been compensated with, you know, actual money. I'm not clocking hours in an office, and I'm not being paid as if I am. In theory, I could do none of the above, and it would be within the terms of my contract, but if I did, I would be s-c-r-e-w-e-d come the academic year and come tenure time.

Now, I am not arguing that I'd rather have a year-round contract, because I think, ultimately, the summer that is unscheduled and uncompensated is, for me and for many of us, a welcome reprieve from an academic calendar in which we are compensated but in which we are over-scheduled and we don't have the intellectual space to do much of the work that is required for us to get tenured (particularly for those of us at teaching-intensive universities that nevertheless require research). But - and this is an important but - what I would wish is that people wouldn't regard this unscheduled time as the equivalent of summer vacation when one is in elementary school. Because it's not. And I would like it if people would note that I pay for this time by not having "vacation time" or "personal time" to take at my leisure throughout the year, as do my friends with year-round employment. Family function in October? Sorry, I've got to pass. Death in the family? I may or may not be able to show up and grieve, depending on the time of the year and whether I can get a colleague to sub for me. Friend's wedding in the last week of April? You'll get a card and a check, but you won't get me at the ceremony.

The reality is that they can't bring in a temp to cover my desk during the academic year, if I'd like to take some time off. So yes, my time is flexible in the summer, because I'm not being paid, but that's not really a "perk" so much as it is compensation for the inflexibility of my schedule at other times. And while it's true that I have time during the year when other people might wish they'd have more time, I also don't have flexibility at Thanksgiving or Christmas, when I'm hustling to grade or to attend last-minute meetings or my discipline's convention, etc.

I hope that this post comes off as explanatory rather than as bitching and moaning. Ultimately, I really like the schedule that this profession offers me, and the level of autonomy it gives me in determining how I use my time. I just get angry when people act as if I should be grateful for these things, or that I should feel guilty because I'm not clocking hours in an office. The fact is, without the summer to rejuvenate, I couldn't do this job effectively.*** Partly because in order to be "on" for 9 months, I really need 3 to recharge, even if part of that recharging includes a fuck of a lot of real work.

***And this is where I think the adjunctification of higher ed is fucked up, because how can adjuncts possibly manage, on the market every year, teaching far more than is reasonable, with less than what I've got? How is that possibly good for them, as workers, or for students? So I'm not meaning this post to come off as failing to recognize the plight of adjuncts - or overburdened grad students. In fact, I'd say that this post actually is more about the fact that what I've got really feels like the bare minimum of compensation for the jobs that higher education expects us to do.

On the Fake and the Real

So, FB is asleep still, and I am awake with my wee kitties and some lovely coffee. (Except FB just woke up to go to the bathroom and then went back to bed and stole away my wee-est kitty who's like his best friend or something, which I resent.) I feel like I should write an actual post, but before I launch in, I'm just going to be up front and say I'm not entirely sure how to write about this. So it may end up being utterly lame, or it may end up being great. It is hard to know.

The thing that I've been thinking about a lot over the course of seeing FB (intermittently) this week is the whole "fake" designator. See, that came about because he's never quite been an imaginary boyfriend (for I've had those, and typically they don't necessarily realize that you are a human being, let alone that they are having a relationship with you), nor, for any number of reasons but probably primary among them geographical, has he been a real boyfriend (although if he had I think we would have had a spectacularly horrifying break-up long before now).

As things go, we're most definitely friends (probably best friends, really), but lets just say that there are certain areas in which we cross certain lines that friends (even best friends) do not cross. And so, what exactly is this thing, I asked myself ages ago. It's not Friends with Benefits, because the whole "benefits" aspect of the thing so is not primary. What exactly are you when you talk to a person daily, know all their stuff, they know all your stuff, etc. etc., but you don't get to see each other regularly and, well, you're in totally different places ? And I decided, well, he must be my Fake Boyfriend, because he kind of seems like a boyfriend, only up close he's totally not. Kind of like a cubic zirconium ring kind of seems like a diamond, only up close it's not. It's still shiny, and it can still make you happy, but it's not, at the end of the day, a "real" gem. (This is kind of a mean comparison depending on how you feel about costume jewelry, but I'm going to go with it for now.)

I'll admit, a conversation I had with A.'s boyfriend who lives with-her and with whom she has a quite normal "real" relationship (M.) got me thinking about all this last week, before I saw FB. See, M. went on a lengthy drunken rant about how I "deserved" a "real" man who would "take care of" me. First, the feminist in me wanted to say, "I can take care of myself, thank you very much," though I didn't because I actually really like M. and I know his heart's in the right place. But also, well, I tried to explain to him how I've ended up in this particular fake relationship, and to explain that I'm not some sort of victim in the whole thing. (That's the thing that really irritates me when people assume that I'm victimized and that I'd necessarily want a more traditional set-up or that I'd even like FB as much as I do had we gotten together like normal people, which I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't.)

But so anyway, all of this has been rattling around in my head, and I'm not sure that I have any conclusions. But what has been so utterly shocking to me about seeing FB is how chill and normal it's been having him here and being with him in the same place. (This is shocking given the fact that I'm really kind of an ass about having dudes in my space, and the last time I saw him I was a bit of a weirdo about him being here.) We haven't done anything terribly interesting or exciting. We've just spent lots of time together, really. Like last night I made chicken parmigiana for dinner and we ate and had some wine and went for a walk around my neighborhood and I made him watch Mad Men and we talked and went to buy him a fan (aside: what is it with dudes and fans for sleeping? I know no girls who have this requirement). And I look at that, and god, what a totally "real" and "normal" and some might even say mundane sort of night. But it was great. And so I wonder about continually sticking FB in the "fake" box, when really, most of how things are with him now - after quite a long time, really - is not fake. It's real, and yet also just.... made confusing because it doesn't really look like what, say, A.'s relationship looks like, or like other relationships that my friends are in.

And then I think that maybe it's good that I stick him in the "fake" box because it takes a lot of pressure off, being in a "fake" relationship. It turns out that in a fake relationship the only people who matter are the people who are in it, and that's kind of awesome.

Eh, whatever. I'm sure I'll wig out in like the next two weeks and will no longer feel so chill and normal and that will, ironically, make me feel all normal and like I understand everything again. But it's nice having that FB here. And I kind of think I'd like to be with him in the same place all the time. I kind of think that we'd both like that a great deal. At least for a while :)

ETA: Oh! And I almost forgot! M-K was much more lovable (if not loving) when FB showed back up. He still looks at him suspiciously, but there was no hissing or growling, and he consented to be in the same room with us while we ate and watched TV. And now he's sleeping happily as can be in his usual spot that he sleeps in while I'm on the computer. In other words, I think all is well in the House of Crazy re: kitties and their enemies.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

And So FB Shall Return

Apparently he'll be arriving "around dinner time." Now, I've known for a couple of days he'd likely be showing up here again today. What did I do today to prepare for his re-arrival? I watched Mad Men for approximately 7 hours. Yep, that's it.

I think maybe I have some sort of physical aversion to readying myself for FB. Like it's just impossible for me to do. Not that there was anything I *really* needed to do before he gets here.... am thinking it might be a good idea not to be wearing pajamas, though, and that showering would be appropriate. And maybe I'll vacuum. And if I'm going to cook dinner, which I kind of want to do, I might need to go to the grocery store to get stuff for salad, even though you know, I never make salad for just myself, so why should he get salad? Indeed, I don't think he should. And if he wants salad, I'll send him to the grocery store when he gets here. So there.

I'm hoping that the Man-Kitty is less of a freak, but I don't know. That's tough to predict, and there's nothing that I can actually do to facilitate that.

So anyway, who knows how long he's actually going to be here for - I'm thinking just like a day? He really sucks with the planning. It's kind of pathological. But then, this does help with my pathology of lying around like the Laziest Person in the World, so perhaps this is ok.

Alright. I'm really going to do some things now. Really.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Ok, Finally Getting Around to This

Ok, so Caro and Medusa and Maude (and if there's anybody else who named me, I missed you and I suck and I'm sorry!) nominated me for this, and thanks!

I feel like everybody who I'd nominate has already been nominated (example: I'd nominate the three ladies above, had they not nominated me first), so I'm going to be lame and not list off people. You know, people have nominated me for such bloggy awards before (The Rockin' Girl blogger, and some other one, if I recall) and I never managed to note it here, because these things always seem to come around either when I'm out of town or when I'm just too swamped to respond. So if you've ever nominated me for something, thanks! And if you ever want to again, well, you don't have to, because I'm ungracious and I never am on the ball with the thanks related to these things. Which makes me neither brilliant nor rockin' nor anything else other than sort of lame :)

Oh, and if there are any newbies out there who aren't in my blogroll and would like to be, or if you're there but the address has changed and I've never fixed it, or if you used to blog but your blog is now defunct, or if you read but haven't commented before and would like to say hi, or what have you, feel free to leave a comment, as now is as good a time as any for such things :)

Lions and Tigers and Syllabi, Oh My!

Well, I suppose there aren't really lions and tigers... just two sweet kitties, one of whom is on my lap and purring happily while he watches me type. There are, however, syllabi.

Yesterday, I finalized two of the four, sent them to be copied and everything, and just now I think I've got the survey syllabus sorted. One thing I've noticed - even though I've got four preps this semester - is how much easier this whole getting the syllabi together thing is. See, I've taught 2 of the four classes over and over again and one class I've only taught once before but it is, basically, The Class of the Book, so there isn't much that needs to be tweaked with it. Can I just note that once one has courses "in the can" as it were, that this whole part of things is so much more quickly accomplished? Also, once one has more experience with translating courses to different blocks of time (one course I'm doing as a one-day-a-week-er for the first time in a while) even that isn't so hard to manage?

I suppose a lot of my feeling that this is easy comes from the fact that I'm a lot more experienced now with how to do this crap. Also, I'm a lot more secure in knowing what students will reasonably achieve in the course of a semester, and so it's not so hard to figure out how to shift stuff from 2 or 3 days a week into one day a week. I know that the one-day-a-week class will pose some challenges for them (they will NOT like the amount of reading per week in some weeks, as they glance at the syllabus) but you know, sometimes we have to do things that we don't like. And I know that they can do it, and that I'm not being unreasonable. This is what they get for taking a class that meets once a week only.

At any rate, this means that the big task I've got to accomplish between now and the start of school is the totally not ready new prep, but with these other classes out of the way, I'm feeling ok about that.

I know this is a boring post, but I needed a break to process what I'm doing and what I still need to do. In other news, the Tiger (aka Mr. Stripey) tired of sitting on my lap and relocated to a much more comfortable syllabus. Here he is! (And yes, he really has gotten much bigger!)


Oh, and here's a picture from when the Interloper was still in the house, which also demonstrates Mr. Stripey's increase in size. You can't really tell, but he was trying to comfort the Man-Kitty by giving him a bath.

Where Is the Week Going?

First of all, if I'm ever going to post more pics from my trip, I'd better do it right now. I had this whole fantasy where I'd write thoughtful posts describing my experiences on the trip accompanied with the relevant photos, but this is so obviously not going to happen, that I'd better just post pictures right now, before I never do it at all. So, here we go:

This is the statue of Our Lady of Lebanon. Underneath it there's a tiny church, and the views are beautiful, but the day that we went up there it was very cloudy in the mountains, and so I couldn't really get a decent picture of the views. Anyway, the most exciting thing about going here for me was that I was able to procure a tiny little statue of OLoL to go with my little Our Lady of Guadalupe statue that currently resides in my kitchen. Yes, apparently I'm developing a little shrine in my kitchen to the Virgin. Somehow, this makes sense to me, and seems absolutely like the thing that I should do. Hmmm.


These are the ruins at Byblos, with the thriving city of Byblos in the background. I love ruins.

Here is one of the many lunches that we enjoyed (and there actually was more food than this that they brought out after the picture).


And now here is Baalbeck.


And some graffiti on one of the walls of the Temple of Bacchus .... from like more than a hundred years ago.

And some more of Baalbeck. I really think that was my favorite thing of the whole trip, to be honest, even though everybody wanted me to be more jazzed about Jeita I think.


And this is the wild and wacky Moussa Castle. Now, the deal with this place is the guy who built it is still alive. Apparently, when he was in school, he had a dream to make some museum of Lebanon. His teacher told him he was a wacko, his girlfriend broke up with him because she thought he was crazy, etc. But Moussa soldiered on, and made this weird place, which features strange mannequins (including of himself and his family in 1970s clothes), collections of guns and jewelry, and a weird guy in the basement who serves you turkish coffee. He originally made the door tiny so that his ex-girlfriend would have to bow to him as she entered the place (this related to me by the guide who seemed to think it was awesome). My final verdict? His teacher was right and he should not have followed his dreams. Sometimes, our dreams are insane.


Also Moussa Castle. See what I mean? Cannon with a pot with some flowers above it. Huh?


And here is the outside of the shrine to St. Charbel (the saint of Lebanon, canonized in 1977, I think), which I really could have stayed in longer, for I do love relics and bloody vestments and things, but G. and his cousin weren't into it so much, and so I did a pretty quick tour of all of the gory stuff and read the tale of St. Charbel, who'd died on Christmas and then the body started bleeding and there were all these miracles and stuff. It was totally awesome.

So those are enough pics to be going on with. I do promise I'll do a full-on post about the trip soon, but for now, I've got to get on with my day and accomplish some things. See, I've got classes to plan, cat food to buy, a house to tidy, food to cook, the gym to go to (maybe?) etc. FB may or may not be returning tomorrow. We shall see.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Interloper, Interrupted

Well, the Interloper (aka FB) has gone to Nearby Town because his mom is in the hospital, and so all is quiet (much to the Man-Kitty's delight) at the House of Crazy. Think good thoughts for FM (Fake Mom, though I suppose she's a real mom, but not my mom, and thus fake, and also, if he's going to be Fake Boyfriend, then his mother must be Fake Mom) or say prayers or whatever. She's ok, but has had some issues in the past months, and apparently just in time for the travels of FB, the issues have once again reared their ugly head. So at any rate, the Interloper was here for but 18 or so hours, and then he had to away to FM. Incidentally, I've met FM, and I totally love her and we were fast friends when we met, so I am not being a jerk in calling her FM, but rather, she's getting a special title because she is fantastic. In fact, I suppose that her pseudonym could be Fantastic Mom, even if she did spoil her son rotten and ruin him for the wider world :

Today I managed to accomplish a great many tasks, even with FB in the house. I went to the post office and gathered my mail and had service resumed, went to the grocery store (although I still need to go once more to fully finish grocery shopping), went to campus and checked mail there (can't legitimately inquire about that journal article I sent out until September), and paid bills. I also had a few phone conversations.

First, let me finish with FB news. So the plan is that he will be coming back to me, though the timing of this is not certain. In truth, I'm not even sure of the timing of his return ticket. I suspect that I'll be seeing him in a few days, most likely, though that isn't necessarily grounded in any fact. In other news, it was revealed to me last night that there is a slim possibility of him relocating to my location. Like exactly my location. Note the italics on the slim. Seriously, I'd never thought that such a thing would ever be on the table, as I never thought that FB would consider this particular move (moving closer to me yes, moving to me -exactly- no way). I'm not entirely sure what this all means related to Me Me Me, but I do kind of feel like the fact that even the slim possibility exists, given the oddities of academic job searching, is... well.... ok, well, it's random, and strange, and yet weirdly (even if nothing comes of it) significant? This is probably me being a dufus. Whatever. The point is, there is a weird possibility on the table that I'd not imagined would ever be a possibility. The one anxiety-reducing factor is that I'm sure that either FB or I will totally manage to fuck up our fake relationship :) I know, that would seem to be a bad thing, but I feel that in the realm of him and me, that this is actually a positive :)

In other news, I have so much work to do that I could cry. Final tweaking for a few pages of the book, syllabi, etc. I shall worry about this on the morrow.

So that's the update from the Interloperless House of Crazy. Note: the Man-Kitty went right back to normal as soon as the Interloper left the building. This antipathy is a serious problem, and yet, what can Crazy do? The two will have to work it out for themselves.

Lo, It Is a Dark Day Indeed


These are times of treachery and betrayal, readers. The traitorous Dr. Crazy has allowed the Interloper to return, and I, the Man-Kitty, do not - do NOT, I say! - approve. Angry and afraid, I have barely been able to take care of the most basic necessities of life, and my bathing schedule has been thrown off completely. I lie here - near the door, at the point in the abode furthest from that dastardly fiend whom my mother seems to enjoy so greatly - and I seethe.

I have no allies here. The young Mr. Stripey does not recognize the Interloper as an evil, evil enemy to kittenkind. Oh no. Mr. Stripey thinks he's just fabulous. He's all, "Let's play, Interloper! I love you, Interloper! You're the most fun, Interloper!" And he slept just fine, thank you very much, and rather than plot with me, he claims that it's his duty to "be cute." I realize this seems difficult to fathom, so I provide you with evidence:


He would also like to note that he feels that he has grown to the size of an actual cat. I believe that this is debatable.

Readers, please, support me in my hatred of the Interloper. Those whom I have loved most have forsaken me. Mr. Stripey and Dr. Crazy think that the Man-Kitty needs to "get over it" and they refuse to acknowledge my complaints with any sort of seriousness. The Interloper is the only one who seems upset at my deep, deep loathing of him, but this gives me only very little satisfaction. I do not want his disquiet so much as his annihilation. And yet, I am but a small cat. How shall I accomplish this without reinforcements? Please join forces with me as I prepare to do battle. Or, at least, wish me luck.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Shit! Shit!

I feel like he said he'd call me when he got on a plane! But maybe I made that up! Because he's now been on a plane and off of a plane and is driving toward the Lair of Crazy! And Crazy made the (bad) decision to talk on the phone to BFF for like an hour and a half (or a bit more) and to drink some wine instead of finishing with preparations (like showering and all that this entails)! Motherfucker!

The bed is made, and most things are done, but still! Still! And the call was dropped and so I don't want to get into the shower in case he calls back, except time is of the essence! Damn! Damn, damn damn!

Don't you just love my return to the blogosphere! It's all so serious and academic :)

To raise the tone a bit, let me just say that I read fancy-mentor's blurb for the book, and it's so great! She uses the words "prickly" (which is incredibly awesome if you know what I work on) as well as "scintillating" (which is just an awesome word any way you slice it).

But, to return to my actual life for a moment, fuck fuck FUCK!

Perhaps more wine is in order?

What Even to Write

Indeed, I shall have a person coming into the Lair of Crazy and the Kitties in less than 24-hours time. Indeed, it shall be in less than 8-hours time, if my calculations are correct, and if nothing goes awry.

I have accomplished a few things since last I posted, BUT there are still some (many) things I absolutely must do before the ill-fated time at which the Interloper arrives. Indeed, it is the Man-Kitty's nemesis who is coming to stay for an as yet unclear length of time (2 days? 3? more? less? Unclear), and given my recent travels, well, let's just say I'm feeling a bit discombobulated although very excited to see the Interloper. I absolutely must, in the next few hours....
  • Shower. After the long drive of the morning, the unloading of the car, etc., I am disgusting. I also have a fantasy about giving myself a mani/pedi, and instead of showering taking a bath, though given the state of things, this may not be possible.
  • Clean out my disgusting refrigerator.
  • Make a grocery list.
  • Go to the grocery store. Also get some wine, which is probably a bad idea as it means I'll drink wine before the Interloper's arrival, and may be a bit loopy by the time he arrives, although this would be fun for me and possibly for him as well.
  • Wipe down the dining room table.
  • Put away the dishes in the dishwasher.
  • Change sheets.
  • Eat something.
  • Clean toilet.
In theory I should also:
  • Clean the shower.
  • Clean the bathroom counter.
  • Vacuum.
  • Change the lightbulb in the kitchen that just went out (irritating)
  • Dust the ceiling fan in the dining room.
  • Who knows what else.
I suspect that none of the theoretical list will be accomplished. Whatever. I am a slovenly housekeeper, and I have just returned from weeks of travel. Deal.

I should probably write something more about this impending visit, but I don't know how to process it into a blog post. Whatever. I'm excited. Really and truly. Though also tired. Perhaps there is time for a nap. (This is a VERY bad idea, until I get more things done).

RBOC: Really Home

  • I am actually in my own home! With my bed! And my things! Huzzah!
  • I got the email with the copy for the cover of the book, including a quote from one of my favorite mentor-fancy-people ever (which I'm too much of a freak to have read yet, as reading glowing things about my work actually really freaks me out). I feel so.... I don't even know how to describe it. I can't believe that it's really in the final stages, to the extent that there's copy for the front and back of the thing. And I feel so... just wow... that the mentor-fancy-person wrote something to go on the book.
  • I'm exhausted, but I need to do some tasks around the house, because in less than 24 hours (I think?) I shall have a person who is neither me nor my cats in the house. This is one reason why blogging shall be light.
  • Another reason why blogging shall be light in the next few days is that I've got to get myself set up on Facebook (finally) in order to keep in touch with my cousins in Lebanon. I have resisted so long.... Haven't yet decided how Facebook-y I shall become, and what I will do about students. Whatever. I shall figure it out.
  • Dude, I'm tired. I can't believe I just got home and I've got somebody coming to visit nearly immediately.
  • And I've got a number of phone calls to return.
  • Am sad that BFF has moved away. But yay for BFF!
  • I wish I had cleaned out my fridge before I left. I suck.
  • I wish that I didn't have to unpack immediately.
  • Dude, did I mention that I'm tired and lazy feeling?
  • Enough. Will make a list of things to do.

But I know you'd like another picture or two from the travels. So here you go!

Ok, so I love this sign. It is from the row of shops right by the Cedars of Lebanon. You'd like to see a picture of the cedars, you say? This I can do!


More later, if there's time!