So, last night I had a very hard time falling asleep, which never happens, and as you might suspect from the fact that I'm blogging now, I didn't sleep terribly well once I did fall asleep. Ok, that's not entirely true. I fell asleep just fine on the couch around 10 PM, was awakened when the phone rang at 12:45, had an hour-long phone conversation about issues surrounding 1) departmental politics that are not mine and 2) spirituality, and then tried to go to sleep again. First, I couldn't fall asleep. The combination of being angry about departmental politics that weren't mine plus my irritation at even the notion of spiritual quests had my mind racing. When I finally did fall asleep, horrible anxiety dreams ensued, dreams involving ex-boyfriends, my potential death by drowning in Lake Erie, a scene where I bought a magic wand and was given some sort of phrase that would trigger my knowing how to use it (which actually is where things started looking up dream-wise, except I've obviously now forgotten the phrase that would have made my wand work).
So why was I so angry about departmental bullshit that isn't even my departmental bullshit? Because the person involved.... how do I put this? I feel like there are certain things that when they happen, you're supposed to stand up and take notice and pay attention. Certain things irrevocably show you who the people around you are, and how you respond then in turn shows you what kind of person you yourself are. And if you attempt to continue to play along with those people once you've seen their true colors, thinking that this will "get you what you want," ultimately you become complicit in a system that will never "get you what you want." You're tricked into playing a game that will never serve you because those in charge of the game are not trustworthy. And I know that I sound reactionary and rigid, but I really do believe this. Now, sometimes we've got no choice but to play the game. But if a person has tenure, wouldn't one think that this would give one the power to call bullshit and to leave it at that, at least for a bit? Why plot and plan and scheme in ways that would make you just like the underhanded double-dealers who are screwing you? And why defend the underhanded double-dealers as if they're not only out for themselves, which clearly they are, no matter what else they've given lip service to - defend them, and accuse the person to whom you've brought this problem of thinking the whole thing is bullshit and that these people suck not because the whole thing is bullshit and these people suck but because she is biased for outside reasons having nothing to do with the bullshit and sucky people?
(It may not help that I'm biased for reasons having nothing to do with the bullshit and sucky people. But even so, if you bring something to biased me, you've got to expect a biased response. It's not like I'm hiding my bias or something.)
But anyway, this then segued into a discussion of how the person in this departmental pickle has been trying to be more spiritually grounded, etc., but by the end of the conversation, I felt like the whole "quest for spirituality" crap was a bunch of self-indulgent hooey and that it was only contributing to this person's inability to call a spade a spade regarding the department bullshit as well as to, I don't know, wake up and realize that being "zen" about everything is really fucking annoying and perhaps counterproductive to maintaining relationships with actual human beings (especially human beings who have Midwestern sensibilities, who were raised Catholic, and who ultimately think that people who detach from everything and attempt to do away with their "ego" - or claim to - pretty much are heartless automatons, or want to be heartless automatons, which might actually be worse, now that I think of it).
And so yes. I went to bed at 2, and I woke up at 6, and I am still seething about all of the above. And I really don't understand why, except perhaps that PMS has a tiny bit to do with it? Well, and I want to shake the person who called me. I mean, why call me with all of that if you're not going to listen to anything I say and follow my advice? And you know what else? I'm even more pissed off because the person involved was all, "I'm totally not pissed off, or at least I don't think I am." Guess what, Sherlock? If you weren't pissed off, you wouldn't have spent the last three days updating me on this situation and then called me at 12:45 to tell me all of the latest gory details. Sure, you want to be "above" anger or something because anger is "egoic" (which is not a real word), but that doesn't mean that you're not bothered, so don't pretend you're not. GRRRR!
And no, I will not be reading Eckart Tolle's books anytime soon unless somebody buys them for me. And even then, we're looking at the end of October before I'd get to it because in the next 8 weeks I'll be teaching (and reading, at least in some fashion) Ulysses, Pride and Prejudice, The Swimming-Pool Library, Class (Paul Fussel's book), along with countless poems and shorter works. I don't have time to read some book about my "spirit" in the midst of all of that, so I'm just going to have to hope that I can piece something together about my "spirit" from the Western Canon of Literature. If not, I suspect my spirit is fucked. Don't worry, though. I'll find a way to soldier on, I'm sure.
5 years ago