Ok, my careful readers: what is the most important word in the above two sentences?
That's right, "technically." Because I continue to like the Chemist a great deal but after meeting him? Well, I just don't think he's for me. Why?
- If he's 5'9", as he claims to be, I would be surprised.
- Though he may be 5'9" because his posture is so horrible that the slouching may be making him shrink a couple of inches.
- He's... small. His frame is small. I feel like I could break him. I'm not some Jabba the Hut or anything, but I am, in the immortal words of my mother, "a big girl."
- He does have a nice face, but it reminds me of a cross between my childhood dentist and William H. Macy. (This may be demeanor, too.)
But all of these things are horribly superficial, right? In truth, they are just the things I'm seizing on that are concrete and that are easier to articulate than the thing that I think really made me feel like this didn't have any sort of romantic future last night. The truth is, I think he's just too reserved for me. I'm... well, I'm very outgoing. I have, if I do say so myself, a sparkling personality. And I take charge. And those are fine things, but I don't want always to determine the course of things in my personal life, and that's the danger when I'm with somebody who... I don't know... is always looking for me to direct them. I mean, I planned this whole date. I decided the time, the place, the everything. And then on the date, I decided what I'd order before he did (which NEVER happens - I'm always the person who's like, "you go, and I'll figure it out while you order"). I decided the course of the conversation. I decided (well, with the nudging of the wait staff eyeing our table) when the date ended. I decided that we would hug at the end of the date (after I awkwardly said as he looked at me like he didn't know what to do, "I don't know how to end dates" which I do think would have been a perfect opening for him to take just a tiny bit of a lead, but instead after another awkward pause I followed with, "I'm going to hug you now**.). I decided, in a word, everything. I mean, why couldn't he have suggested that we go for a cup of coffee after dinner? I would have gone. But you know what? By the end of the dinner I had had enough of being the cruise director.
I'm being too hard on the whole thing, I know. I'm making the whole evening sound worse than it was. I really did have a pleasant and nice time. I suppose it's just I'm looking for more than things like "pleasant" and "nice" and "like," etc. My alter ego is not Dr. Crazy for nothing - I need some passion, some craziness. And with the Chemist? I'm just not feeling it. So in the coming days/weeks I'll need your advice about how to transform him into a friend, if such a thing is possible. (I have faith that if it is possible that I can achieve it - I mean, I achieved the Roommate Switch, was supposed to be impossible, right?)
And so, it's time for me to go and reply to a guy whom I'll call.... Stavros (like Stavros Niarchos, the Greek Shipping Heir - hee!). At least he's over 6" tall and I won't feel like an Amazon next to him. And he seems funny. And our backgrounds (well, other than that he's Greek and that he's not an academic and he's divorced) seem to be very similar. Hmmm....
** I should note that I'm not a particularly touchy-feely person and I'm not much of a hugger - even with people whom I know very well. Thus, the fact that I had to initiate this awkward thing was even more awkward for me than you might imagine. That said, he was a nice hugger, when all was said and done.
14 comments:
(Sorry I deleted the above comment - was having a typo nightmare! Here it is again...)
Oh, I totally get where you are coming from! Before I got married, I dated far too many guys who were nice, kind, always accepting of my opinions, and who expected me to direct the whole relationship (you hit the spot with the cruise director analogy!). I always found it hard to justify why I didn't want to continue dating them, but, there just has to be a spark, some fire. Niceness alone just doesn't cut it for me.
Of course, I ended up marrying someone who's 6'4, outgoing, opinionated and very driven. Whilst this isn't always a walk in the park (sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that he'd just agree with me for the sake or it!), it's always exciting.
So, I'm sorry the date wasn't perfect, but do hope you manage to stay friends. Here's to Stavros... ;)
Sigh. Scratch the chemist. (Insert obvious lack of chemistry joke here). Just stay crazy, hold on to the inner insanity that makes it worth it, that can generate the excitement...and survive the let down.
I completely get it -- if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. I've had way too many dates that were nice yet didn't make me want to continue it. Can't offer advice, I'm afraid, as I'm in the same boat.
Boo.
Been working on a chemistry/chemist snark but decided to skip it. ;-) Arent you SO glad that you did the FTF thing sooner rather than later? This way, mild heartbreak and potential friendship.
Damn, I wish we'd had you followed with a DVC. This would have been a great first episode of a "Crazy Dates" Webcast show!
Wouldn't it have made more sense to meet him from the beginning? All that emailing is not less effort than a date.
I've had dates like that, too. Perfectly nice, but nice doesn't make your toes curl. Hold out for toe-curling.
:) Thanks for all of the support, my peeps.
Here's the thing re: "wouldn't it be better to meet sooner?" question. I think that what I've learned is that there needs to be a happy medium between getting to know one another via email and phone and then meeting. Things went on a bit long with the Chemist, but it wasn't to be helped because he was out of town for like 8 days right at the beginning, and then I was a spaz... I think in the future I would like to email, and then have a MAXIMUM of two phone calls, and then meet. Had I talked on the phone with any of the previous guys I've gone on dates with, I never would have gone on the dates. Thus, I think the getting-to-know-you phase is crucial. Yes, it's a time investment, too, but at least it's a time investment that's on my terms and that doesn't require me to perform like a trained seal.
I've done the thing where you don't get to know one another at all and then go on the date, and that is HORRIBLE and v. awkward - at least in my experience. At least with this, I know that I do like him as a person, and I would like to be friends with him, and I would like to find a nice sweet girl who's about 5'2" to set up with him. This is all positive. If we look at my three dates before this, I've got nothing that positive to say.
Also, again, I am going to give this at least one more chance, as I may be being overly judgmental after only one meeting. I don't think so, but I think it's important not to nix the whole thing on one impression.
I sympathize with the size thing, and have in the past beat myself up over being superficial in this respect - I have the same desire to not tower over/overpower physically, which is difficult because I'm 5'7" and also "a big girl." It's nice, when you've always been the "big girl" to...well, NOT be for awhile.
Anyway, I also agree with Powerprof. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Doesn't really matter why, 'cause you can't talk yourself into feeling it anyway.
If you want to be "just friends" here's how you should handle the situation: You have to rip the band-aid right off. Quick and painful. That's the only way to do it.
Don't dilly-dally around. Just say to Chemist, "Chemist, you're a sweet guy. I don't really feel a romantic connection so much as i feel a friendship connection with you. Let's be friends."
Of course, once you utter those final three words, you may never hear from him again. But that's life. Not all relationships last until "death do us part."
i don't think you're being overly judgemental--you really do need to figure out the chemistry here (or lackthereof). good luck with the others!
I hate to add a dissenting opinion here, but I feel like I am missing something.
How could his height possibly be that important?
That just seems really unfair to him.
When men say things like, "I wouldn't date a woman who is taller than me," I always think they are being sexist.
Jo(e) - you know, I wonder whether the height would matter if I felt more confidence coming from him - which was what I meant when I said that I was focusing on superficial things rather than the thing that really bothered me, which was that I felt so in charge of everything. The truth is that I've gone out with guys who are exactly the same height as he is, but who seemed a lot bigger, if that makes any sense. Part of this is physical, but part of it is just how one carries oneself.
Chris: right on about the ripping off of the bandaid. That's generally my approach in these situations :) In fact, I knew something was wrong last night when I started describing the series of break-ups that I initiated in my early-to-mid twenties with people who weren't technically my boyfriends.... I think perhaps this was foreshadowing....
Just to clarify - I never said I wouldn't date anyone shorter than me (in fact, I did, for two years before coming to grad school) BUT...for me it is a factor in the overall attraction package. Sometimes it doesn't end up mattering (and as Crazy says, it's more about overall carriage), but if I had the option, taller than me is good.
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