Friday, March 17, 2006

Reader's Poll: What Are Your Deal-Breakers?

Ok, so I got a message from The Chemist, in which he revealed something about himself. I don't want to say more than that, as it's not really my business to reveal to the entire internet, but it's got me thinking: if you were in my position, what sort of things could people reveal that would be deal-breakers for you? I'm not talking about anything illegal or whatever, but in terms of information about people's beliefs, lives and pasts, what kinds of things would determine whether you would continue to pursue getting to know the person or dating them?

Number of sexual partners (whether too high or too low)? Having been in jail? Having voted republican? Being a New York Yankee fan? Being poor? What kind of information would count for you as something that would rule a person out?


New Kid on the Hallway said...

Being a drug-user would probably do it for me. (Illegal ones, I should say!) I don't care if folks do drugs, but I don't think I could be involved with someone who did. I guess this kind of goes against your "not anything illegal" provision, but even smoking pot on a regular basis would be a problem for me.

Being anti-abortion would be hard to take, too. Maybe not impossible, depending on their reasons why, but hard.

Being racist. (I guess I shouldn't really need to say that!)

I'm sure there are other, sillier reasons, but I can't think of them at the moment! Oh, wait - I don't think I could take being with a virgin. The pressure would be WAY too great.

*statgirl* said...

Besides the obvious ones like racism, drugs, murderer, etc., I am kind of picky about lifestyle. It's a deal-breaker for me if the person hates to travel. I love seeing new places and experiencing different cultures, so being a homebody with no interest in learning about other places/peoples is a deal-breaker. I have a large circle of friends who are gay/lesbian, so being a homophobe is a deal-breaker. I also have had problems with divorced men; not necessarily a deal-breaker for me...but I was not been able to make a successfull dating relationship with a man that wasn't quite as removed from his marriage as he thinks he was.

seadragon said...

If he hates dogs. What kind of a person hates dogs? (sorry, dog haters. But come on. If you're allergic, okay; if you had a bad dog-bite experience in your childhood, I'm sorry to hear that. But goodbye.)

Sidenote: all of the men I dated who my dogs didn't like turned out to be jerks.

I used to date men who said they didn't want children, but now I'm pretty sure I just thought I could change their minds. This is, of course, stupid. People don't change those particular ideas. It's a dealbreaker.

jo(e) said...

Hhhmmm. Number of sexual partners? Or even sexual orientation of partners? I'd say not a dealbreaker so long as he's been tested and is disease-free.

Prison time? Not a deal breaker. I can think of people I know who are wonderful partners who have done time. It's not a fair system.

Murder? Yeah, that would creep me out.

Still lives with his mother? Dealbreaker.

Racist, sexist, homophobic -- and not aware and attempting to change those things? Dealbreaker.

Drug habit? Alcoholic? Dealbreaker.

Recovering drug addict or alchoholic? I'd be okay so long as he was in a 12-step program.

Deadbeat Dad who has a kid somewhere that feels he should not have to support? Dealbreaker.

Connections to organized crime? Dealbreaker.

As far as political beliefs and such, I guess I could forgive stuff in someone's past .... we were all young and stupid once .... but current beliefs that are radically different than mine would be a dealbreaker.

prefer not to say said...

Deal breakers I knew about already:

1) Voting for George Bush ever
2) Not believing in God (See #1 and watch my dating pool shrink as I type)
3)Being obsessed with money
4) Homophobia, intolerance of people with mental illness, any slur against people because of their weight. That's it. He's outta there.

Deal breakers I didn't know about until I started internet dating:

1) Still living at home with parents past age 30
2) Referring to the size of his mother's breasts MORE THAN ONCE during the course of a first date.
3) Making fun of a homeless person and then asking me why I'm not laughing.
4) Announcing at the end of an already awkward first date: "Well, I really like you, but you are probably never going to go out with me again because I have to tell you that I'm a virgin." (New Kid -- did you get this guy at some point in your dating life?)
5) Upon hearing that I am a literature professor:
a) Announcing that Milton was a crap poet because he wasn't even TRYING to communicate anything because there are all these obscure references in his writings and he isn't really trying to be accessible.
b) Responding, "I have this theory that literature is really just what people interpret it as. I mean, it's not like there's a real meaning behind it."
c) Responding by saying, "Oh, really? Because in grad school I used to sleep with [name of rather prominent literary scholar.]" Nods proudly. "Yeah, a lot of women are intimidated when I tell them that."

Sorry so longwinded. Damn. It's Friday.

chris said...

Ooo. All those mentioned above are good ones. Here are some deal-breakers from a dude's perspective:

Family - has to be close with their family. Otherwise, as has been my experience, she won't be able to relate to my exceptionally close family ties.

Health - my dad is no small fellow as a result of his dieting/exercising habits. This will undoubtedly take years off his life. Though i (sorta) understand that some people can't help it, weight/size matters. So, yes, i judge books by their cover.

Equally deal-breaking are skinny chicks who make comments about being too fat. To me that's indicative of a problem that i can't help them with.

Intelligence and religion matter too. I prob. couldn't mess with an atheist (not that intelligence and religion nec go hand-in-hand).

Occupation isn't a major category that i initially consider, but a woman's profession does matter to an extent. For example, strippers are deal-breakers, but it's possible that a chiropractor might not make the cut either (that one's a long story).

hypatia said...

Most of my deal breakers have come up as a consequence of what messed up previous relationships - maybe not the best way to go about this.

Stupidity (I mean this literaly - IQ points matter... or at least ability to carry on a conversation that indicates you have some).


In the box where you list latest read - can list something other than "the how to manual for _____"

Wants children


~profgrrrrl~ said...

Oh gosh. So many things.

Nodding head to the whole racism, lives with folks, drugs, etc. thing.

I'd get rid of folks pretty early on for a lot of things, though.

Poor hygiene.
Certain religious affiliations.
Certain political affiliations.
Being too new agey for my tastes.
Control freak.
Did something mean to someone else, delibrately.
Extremely poor financial management.
Has kids already (I might consider it, but depending on the situation I also might ditch him).
Being too much of a homebody (I've encountered Mr. I don't like to go out)
A hunter.
A gun enthusiast.
Ooh -- I ditched someone for being a internet gambler.
Another for having a sketchy timeline about when he was married and then divorced.
And let's not forget the guy who told me I was out of his league (so I agreed).

I could keep going, but I have some writing to do.

Kate said...

Such a good question. For getting to know someone only abrasiveness and condescension are really deal-breakers. For dating? Probably more stringent.

A high number of sexual partners might give me pause. Something that gave me pause in a previous relationship was that he was very confused about sex -- wanted it but also thought it was a sin and so was always praying about it. (As soon as we broke up he put up a poster of Britney Spears in his room. So maybe he was less conflicted than he pretended?)

Being very republican or very religious would as well. Having a poor opinion of feminism or civil rights or gay marriage would. Consuming illegal drugs would rule him out.

And then everything profgrrrl said except the kids part and homebody part. I would definitely consider both.

What Now? said...

Ooh, this is the most interesting comments thread that I've seen in ages!

I agree with much of what's been said above, so let me just add a few deal-breakers:
~is rude to waiters, secretaries, cab drivers, etc.
~(for the gay folks among us) is closeted
~ has no interest in literature, no willingness to analyze movies, no passion for language, etc. (this one is just for folks with whom I'd consider a long-term partnership, not necessarily for friends)

StyleyGeek said...

A friend of mine ditched a woman after they went to a museum together and, looking at some Greek pottery with a hard-to-interpret design, he said, "I think it's meant to be Dionysus" and she replied,
"Oooh, how exciting! Do you think it's a T-Rex?"

negativecapability said...

Being a major pothead (ex-potheads are fine - they just need to be over it)...or, and this has ruled out lots of people, being into sports like baseball, basketball and/or football to the extent that they care about watching it on TV and think that who wins actually matters. I'm very serious about this. If he wants to hang out in a sports bar for any other reason other than consuming large amounts of alcohol and buffalo wings, or if I have to hear annoying sports-announcer voices coming from the TV...done.

Exceptions would probably be extended to people who played the sport themselves for the team they care about watching or who have very close relatives or friends who do.

Dr. Lisa said...

The ultimate dealbreaker that negates everything: unkindness. How he or she treats the Other is pretty much everything to me.

zipzap said...

I have a shameful and trivial one. I briefly dated a guy in grad school who I ended things with very shortly after seeing him wearing a stylish Disney tshirt (with Goofy on the pocket)and a jacket with some professional football team regalia on it. That was it for me.

Laura said...

Here's one that hasn't been mentioned yet: a sports freak. Not the kind that catches a game or two on the weekend, but the kind that is glued to the tv from the first to the last, who does fantasy football, baseball, etc., gets text message updates on their phone and basically wishes they worked for espn.

zipzap--the disney shirt would do me in too.

Seeking Solace said...

Hates dogs.

Has a ton of kids to a bunch of women and pays no support.

A "mama's boy".

A "control freak".

Someone who plays with Playstation 24/7.

Racist, sexist or homophobic.

Fat, drunk and stupid.

Physically, emotionally or verbally abusive

I could marry a Republican, so long as he respects my independent and moderate views. (Actually, I did marry one of those!)

Anonymous said...

1) being from Weed, Fresno, Bakersfield, Redding or some similarly depressing place and having no desire to be from or live any place else.

2) showing even the least bit of concern, lack of understanding, or disapproval at my lack of a close relationship with my family.

3) showing any sign of disapproval or discomfort with the idea of women working outside the home. Even the slightest hesitation about it is a deal breaker.

4) Refusal to use non gender specific language to refer to human beings (as in "man's desire for God"; concurrent refusal ever to use or to accept the validity of the use of feminine language for God.

5) not knowing how to cook, do laundry, run a vacuum cleaner.

wow, I think you can tell the last time I dated was in my early 20's at a christian college.

Dena Marie said...

Just reading the "Dating" section of my blog will surface many of my deal-breakers. Some of them include being

1. religious
2. sure of wanting kids
3. into drugs, excessive drinking, smoking
4. into computer games, role-playing
5. heavily involved in spectator sports
6. unable to put together a decently written email
7. unable to hold a conversation without frequent grammatical errors
8. stupid, without common sense
9. crude or cheesy in humor
10. too short, fat, old, poorly dressed
11. a sexual or relationship virgin
12. a hedonistic lazy asshole
13. narrow-minded
14... the list could go on and on.

No wonder I'll never find a man! HA!

--Dena Marie

Terminaldegree said...

The biggest dealbreaker for me would be having different faiths. (Not that we have to agree on everything theologically, of course, but the basics need to be similar enough.) On the other hand, a conservative Christian who wants a "submissive" wife would be right out, too.

Children. Nope, I don't want to date someone who has kids.

A tone-deaf guy would be hard to take. I once dated such a guy and thought, "I can't marry him, because he might SING around our children, forever warping their sense of pitch."

Any guy who confuses their/there or its/it's on his online profile is out.

A football fanatic would be out. I refuse to spend every Sunday with the TV blaring and a bunch of guys shouting. (A game now and then is fine. But a guy who wants the game on during Thanksgiving dinner? Nooooo!)

I once dated a guy for an entire year, and I never once had a good laugh. I'll never again date someone who has no sense of humor.

I did once date a guy who'd spent the night in jail. It was an interesting story.

Terminaldegree said...

Oh, one more: a TV addict would be right out. I hate having the TV on just to have the TV on. Either you watch it, or you turn it off. But TV as "background noise" is not something I could handle. It gives me sensory overload. I suppose this makes me very unAmerican. :)

Psycgirl said...

I was going to say murder, but worse than that would be:
- any type of racism, sexism, bigotry
- being stupid and/or socially uncouth

I'm trying to keep my list short b/c being stupid and ignorant would definitely be the deal breaker. I dated a guy once who was such an ass (talking about how much money my neighbors - who were close friends- must make to afford their car WHILE they could hear him) and definitely was stupid. I still cringe if I think of things he said *shudder*

Dr. Crazy said...

Wow! I love this thread! Actually, I thought of some deal-breakers of my own last night:

1) The person embarasses me, whether in front of people I care about or in front of strangers.

2) When the person gets angry they call me names. (The difference between "you're being such a bitch" and "shut up, bitch" is a big one for me. Also, I'd rather be told to fuck off then for a guy in anger to attack me personally, to call me stupid or fat or ugly or something. It's ok to be pissed off at me, but being verbally abusive with the name-calling is not cool.)

3) Somebody who's a total snob. I've gone out with that guy. It sucks.

But you know what all of these come down to, I think, after all? These are things that would make one feel uncomfortable, and it's really hard to be in a relationship when one doesn't feel comfortable in it. Thus, perhaps the mother of all deal-breakers is

4) I, for whatever reason, don't feel like I can be myself around the person or like they accept me for who I am.

Really, this covers most of the deal-breakers listed above, if not all of them.

Incidentally, nobody listed the thing that The Chemist told me as a deal-breaker :)

And incidentally, I also could not be with a virgin, but I've got to say I giggled when I read that you wrote this NK :)

By the way, feel free to continue this thread - it's really interesting!

hypatia said...

It's interesting that so many people list religion as a deal breaker. For some of us it's important that they share a similar religion (me, Chris, prefer not to say) or not be too religious/possibly not believe in anything at all (dena).

It's also interesting to me how many people actually list drugs as a deal breaker.... (A friend and I had this conversation when she signed up for eharmony and had to fill out must haves and cant stands)... to me using drugs is SO! much a deal breaker that I don't even feel like I need to list it. I just assume that I won't move in circles where people use drugs. I learned at the lunch table that day that lots of (ortherwise normal) people use illegal drugs casually (I'm really shocked).

Masterfraud said...

I love this thread, too! I'm gonna add neediness. Someone who can't do things without me would drive me bonkers. I need independent spirits. Also, if someone is privileged and can't recognize it demonstrates an inability to think critically. I think I mean that someone whose parents sent them to an Ivy but thinks affirmative action is problematic for the SOLE reason that 'people should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.' Sick. And also, someone who thinks the war in Iraq was about the evil Saddam. Puh-leeze.

shannon said...

1)Are you sleeping with someone else? Then you're not single. I don't care if it was only 4 times or you're not commited.

2)Wastes all their money on drugs

3)Has kids

4)Can't show up on time.

5)Abstinence til marriage

Kristiface said...

1) Doesn't have a college education-- it's a must have for me-- and honestly, a CC education doesn't cut it for me either.

2) Actively politically conservative. My fiance is generally apathetic politically--I don't like it but I can deal with that. But for me, to be actively republican means there are some core values and assumptions that I can simply never accept. Ever.

3) Being financially irresponsible/untrustworthy.

4) Anyone racist/bigoted along any sort of religious/ethcic/sexual lines.

5) Someone who wants kids-- not gonna happen with this uterus, lemme tell you

6) Someone who actively identifies with a religious faith.

~profgrrrrl~ said...

I'll add ... and these will all make me sound like a totally heartless bitch, I'm sure, but ... in the world of finding things out BEFORE you get in too deep (which is what internet dating is all about, yes?) I'd probably just rule out people who disclosed things that would make life more difficult. I'm thinking particular diseases/conditions, lots of psychological damage, any sort of addiction, etc. I'm not saying I think these people are unlovable, but more that I've had more than my own fair share of fighting for difficult and damaged relationships and I just can't enter something that shows the challenge up front at a point when I am not at all emotionally attached.

In the potentially silly, but still important to me zone, these folks need not apply:
Nascar fans
Anyone who views golf on a par with religion (I meet a lot of these guys, for some reason)
Anyone who is more vain/high maintenance than I am (I am not all that high maintenance)
Anyone who brags about being cheap
Anyone whose fave book is Who Moved My Cheese (that is the title, right?) or something like that
Anyone who seriously takes an a verbal affect or accent when talking about certain highbrow or academic topics

I'd have definite pause at anyone who claimed to have had an affair in the past. I'd have to hear more about how far in the past and think about how he talked about it now, etc.

And then, in the lesson learned category: anyone who does not yet seem to fully be an adult.

csdorotoc said...

I seem to remember a Friends episode where Ross lists all the things he likes about Rachel and then she gets mad at him for reducing her to a bundle of attractive qualities. Anyway, the most curious deal-breaker I've read here is if a guy wants kids. I don't think this has anything to do with kids, I think this is more about "do you love me for me or for your future progeny?"

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

It seems like a deal-breaker would have to be something that is a quality someone has which would kill an otherwise promising relationship. Since being rude, bigoted and mean are both subjectively observed qualities and qualities which would not make for an otherwise promising relaitonship, they are assumed in what follows..

1) Can't "hate" cats or even be so allergic to them that he can't live with them. (Hubby had two cats of his own when we got back together... YEA!)

2) He has to challenge me intellectually.

3) He has to be willing to travel. He doesn't have to have it as a priority, but he does have to be willing to go with me if I plan the trip.

4) He has to either be educated or curious about intellectual things. I'm not willing to say that a CC education isn't good enough -- as I know plenty of intellecutally curious people who are forced to stop at the CC level -- but he has to be willing to learn about my field if he doesn't know something about it already.

Dr. Lisa said...

Most of you would not date me. :-). Am I disqualified if I'm just fat and drunk, but not stupid? I'm old, too. Not old and stinky, just old.

My Homey and I have been married for 17 years...and we are so different (different religions, different politics) and in many ways so wounded and rotten.

Another Damned Medievalist said...

Well, you guys pretty much mentioned all of mine. Mean and demeaning are about the biggest. Racist and homophobic are pretty much givens ...

Jenny D said...

I am interested, though, in the difference between general rules and personal idiosyncrasies. I have a list of qualities that I would hope that none of us would want to see in our boy/girlfriend candidates (though I feel sure we have all gone out with people who have these properties, or possibly had some of them ourselves!): verbal or physical abusiveness; late-stage substance-abuse with no intention of changing; bigotry of various kinds. It doesn't seem quite fair to call these deal-breakers, that's just common sense. My personal deal-breaker? (I've got other hangups too, but they fall in the more general categories mentioned above: for instance I could not go out with someone who was very irresponsible about money, but radical irresponsibility with money on the part of one partner would damage any relationship.) New Ageiness. I could not go out with someone who seriously believed in any of the stuff associated with New Age spirituality, i.e. psychics, communicating with the dead, ley lines, crystals, etc. etc.

Anonymous said...

but you can communicate with the dead!!

prefer not to say said...

My most idiomatic deal-breaker happened when I broke up with a guy because he made most of his money by working for an overseas internet gambling outfit. I’d never really given much thought to internet gambling is one way or another, but there was something that seemed very weird and shady about him after he talked about it.

But we haven't managed to guess at the Chemist's deal-breaking revelation yet -- aaagh. I know Dr. Crazy can't say, but still, I'm curious. Used to mainly date other men? Has herpes? Spent time in jail for drunk driving? Is friends with Ken Lay? Got kicked out of college for cheating? Is an active member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms? Only has one testicle?

Dr. Lisa said...

Yeah, I kind of want to know what is up with the chemist.

However...I'm not sure how I feel about dealbreakers in general...I mean, this would be a hard old world if there were no possibility for redemption. That said, I'm not going out with Charlie Manson (but as Michael Walzer once said, you can prove anything using Hitler...some examples are so extreme as to be useless.)

Manorama said...

I have certain requirements but I have also learned how self-righteous I have been in the past about some of those requirements. For example, I claimed that it was important to me to not reproduce elitist or class-driven kinds of exclusions in terms of who I choose to love or share intimacy with, yet the college degree was also a requirement for me for a long time. Then I entered a romantic situation with someone I'd gone to high school with who had joined the Air Force after high school because he came from a poor family and had no other way to go to college, but who got kicked out of the Air Force because of something stupid and totally not his fault, and because of the way he was disciplined, he had no money for college. He is a musical genius and a brilliant musician and writer, but he simply can't afford to go to college right now. He is intellectually fabulous but you know what? He's poor. I realized how classist I was being by holding up some silly requirement that has nothing to do with how intelligent someone is. The fact that he hasn't been able to get a college degree says nothing about who he is.

It's the same way when it comes to things like genital herpes. I know someone who was with their partner for years and they thought they were going to get married. She got it from him, but they were able to manage it and it didn't cause any problems in their relationship. She became newly single some time ago and it's sad the way people who previously expressed interest in her dropped her in a second when she (responsibly, respectfully, honestly) told them about it when it seemed they would enter a sexual relationship. She told me she shared info with one particular person about the risk, what the condition is, how common it is, suppressive therapy, how often she gets outbreaks, etc.

He kicked her out of his apartment and threw her bag out the front door after her.

Had I not known and become so close to someone with that particular condition, it would be a deal breaker for me, too. Now it isn't. I'd take longer in getting to know that person but I would not dismiss them for something beyond their control that they really had no hand in, something that is one millionth of who they are and has nothing to do with what kind of person they are. I can't stand the stigma attached to it (similar to the stigma attached to mental health, although we are much better about mental health that we are about these things). I think it would be cruel and insensitive to hold something like that against a person, especially if one is assuming that it means they've been permiscuous (the friend of whom I speak has been with three people in her life, two of them virgins and the third, of course, not).

Also, for women I'm attracted to, I will not retain interest in someone who wants me to force me to openly embrace some label of sexual identity. It's no one else's business, I have no desire to be a poster child for one of these identities, and I will not permit someone to guilt me because I don't openly identify as queer. I am really sick of that.

I agree with many of the other requirements people have listed; my point here is that I think we should examine our own behavior or standards against what we claim is important to us.

~profgrrrrl~ said...

I'm curious about the Chemist, too!

Lisa -- I perceive the dealbreakers bit very differently when in the context of internet dating/talking about people in the abstract versus applying them to people to whom one is already bonded. And I don't think that any one person's dealbreakers should necessarily suggest that they think people who they would not date are bad or unlovable or whatever. For example, I could not date a drug user. I could date a former drug user. I have friends/acquantances who use. Hell, I have close family members who use. I love some of these people. But would I ever choose to date a drug user? Couldn't do it. Too incompatible with how I want to live my life.

PoodleGrrl said...

Wow--great question. My deal breakers, in no particular order:

- Unpleasant body odor. He doesn't have to be squeaky clean or deodorized, but a bad smell is a turn-off, as are most colognes/aftershaves. Smell is just too big a part of sexual chemistry for me to overlook this one.

- Anti-choice stance.

- Bigoted.

- Doesn't like animals.

- Controlling or suspicious.

- Unfaithful.

- Immature about money, friends, women.

- Doesn't read for pleasure.

- That ol' serial killer vibe. (I went on one date with a man who creeped me out for reasons I could not articulate, who was later in the papers as having stalked and threatened women.)

Dr. Lisa said...

Yeah, see, profgrrrl, this is a distinction worth making. Dr. Crazy says it's not illegal, me there is a big difference between a person's current beliefs/behaviors and their "lives and pasts." Although, these two things are connected,

KM said...

Hey--wandered over on Dena's suggestion--I must assume this is a site for intellectuals, so please excuse any blatant problems. I've already got my husband, but here are my dealbreakers for anyone I've got to spend a lot of time with:

1. non-drinker (sorry, but if you can't kick back with a cocktail we're probably not going to hang out)

2. self righteous (nobody's perfect)

3. Drives a hummer

4.Anyone who voted for George to keep gays from getting married (we've got real problems, people!)

5. Drug-user

6. Anyone who thinks women should be subservient to men.

Dr. Crazy said...

Wowza! never have I had such a popular comment thread! Never! And it's so interesting to read! I like the distinction between things that are completely unacceptable (racism, abuse, etc.) and things that are unacceptable because of personal preference (like guys who are really New Age-y). Also, to km - do not apologize for potential errors, and as "intellectual" as some of us may be, we're really a friendly bunch. Just over-educated :)

At any rate, I thought of some other things that are deal-breakers for me:

1. Doesn't pay enough attention to me. I was talking to a friend last night, and it turns out I facilitated the end of my three major relationships because I felt like I wasn't attended to properly.

Personal Quirks:
1. Any man with any kind of cartoon tattooed on himself, particularly if that cartoon character is tattooed on his calf or shoulder. Tattoos? Can be sexy. Tattoos of cartoons? Not so much.
2. Any man with a tattoo of a shamrock on his calf, or shoulder.
3. Oh, and then there are the ones who get the lucky charms leprechaun, thus melding 1 and 2 together into a horrifying union of cartoon and shamrock.

You have GOT to love the midwest.

~profgrrrrl~ said...

That last message suggests that you've seen #3 on multiple occasions. True? (eeks!)

Kristiface said...

I laughed out loud at your leprechaun tattoo phobia.

I loved this comment thread :) It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with such lists! I also think that it's worth noting that these "deal breaker" lists transcend the single/attached barrier. Certainly if my fiance took on any of my dealbreakers as tendencies, I would have to be out of the relationship in a second!

shrinkykitten said...

two that were not mentioned, but that actually were divulged in a first date:
1. Guy started musing that he often worried people would think he might molest their children. And no, this isn't just because he is a guy and people might be worried about a guy with their kids.

2. Same guy starts telling me about the kinds of behaviors he engages in when he is hoping he will get killed -- not so passive suicide attempts of sorts.

Sad thing is, this was a great guy - but boy howdy did he need some therapy (and a little inhibition control).

A huge dealbreaker for me? A guy who tries to control me. I dated a guy who was either my height or slighly shorter, and he started telling me on date 2 what kinds of shoes I was allowed to wear with him (and he wasn't joking).

expressor said...

Now for the defense of all those who'd fail on paper
-I drink too much and smoke pot
-I smoke cigarettes (more than a pack a day)
-I've slept with too many women (many of them one night stands)
-I can be mean, even cruel sometimes (usually they diserve it but not always)
-I can't sing at all and I try to dance but it's usually comical
-I love pro-football (especially the Bengals, don't laugh) and during the season I try to watch at least one game a week
-I don't wear deoderant unless it is a formal affair
-I only date attractive women

turned off yet ladies. If not, or just curious to see what I say next, read on please
If you can't admit your faults, especially the worst ones than your at least as arrogant and foolish as all those that you cut out. For me it's about the search for something more, the joy of life, and reaching for the edge of what's possible. It's about having a shattered dream that still isn't gone. after that, everythings maleable

Dr. Crazy said...

"If you can't admit your faults, especially the worst ones than your at least as arrogant and foolish as all those that you cut out. For me it's about the search for something more, the joy of life, and reaching for the edge of what's possible. It's about having a shattered dream that still isn't gone. after that, everythings maleable"

1. Yes, admitting one's shortcomings is a good thing. However, admitting one's shortcomings as if they themselves are a badge of honor rather than trying to do something about them, well, doesn't impress me.

2. I'm sick of being chosen by men who are searching for something because they think that I've got some kind of a map. I'm not saying that's what you were saying here, but this is actually one of the things that has GOT to be a deal-breaker for me now. I cannot be anybody's therapist and I cannot be responsible for anybody's journey through life. I'm a strong person, and that makes people who are looking for something initially attracted to me, until, of course, they start blaming me for it. I've been in that relationship, and it sucks.

3. All of the dream stuff? Yeah, I'm really a lot more pragmatic about relationships than that. Incidentally, I actually said, as my friend who is going through a divorce was talking about how her husband "dreams" of getting his PhD, the following: "I'm sick of men and their dreams." I was kind of kidding, but not entirely. I don't want a dream. I want REAL LIFE. Dreams are unattractive to me. Goals, on the other hand, are much more interesting.

Can you tell I lived with a guy who didn't work for two years?

ABD Anonymous said...

Besides the obvious, some more shallow dealbreakers:
1) smoking
2) hates opera/classical music
3) insists that women change their name when they get married
4) not educated (I know it's snobbish, but I'm being honest)
5) hates Catholics (doesn't have to be Catholic or religious but has to respect the fact that I am)
Before I was with my current boyfriend, I probably would have put Republican on the list, but we've managed to agree to disagree on politics, so I suppose one can get over things previously considered dealbreakers.

Derrick said...

I did the internet dating thing for one month as a sort of learning exercise. Deal breakers turned up right in the profiles:

1. Looking for special someone, soul mate, etc. (that agenda was way too heavy)
2. Looking for a certain income level (not willing to be an IRA for someone)
3. It's what's on the inside that matters (responded to one of these and was promptly asked for photo...ripped an xray off the internet and sent it since it was the insides that mattered)
4. Men with baggage need not apply, not looking to raise a boy, etc. (Why not just ask for MMPI results!)
5. Looking for a good, Christian man (I would have difficulty explaining that the whole point of Christianity is coming to terms with not being good and somehow saying "hey, if I'm good enough for Jesus I'm good enough for you" just didn't seem like it would be helpful)

I had 28 days left on the experiment when I gave up.