Perhaps a bit of both. It's 1 PM. I really can't afford to blow my whole afternoon and not do anything before dinner. And yet, I sit in front of my computer, paralyzed. Do I go to the gym? (I suspect that would be good, except I kind of don't want to.) Do I eat some lunch? (I need to eat, but I don't want to eat garbage food and apparently that's all I have in my house currently.) Do I go shopping? (A pathetic thing to do indeed.)
I don't know. I suppose the point here is that I hate this part of things. And what I usually end up doing is procrastinating to such an extent that I end up being late, even though I don't get anything of any value done pre-D-word.
Ugh. I hate dating. I also hate dating because, well, I think I might be a bit of a jerk about it. See, here's the thing: I'm ultimately completely without hope that dating is anything but a total crap-shoot and whether one thinks one likes a person or clicks with a person is ultimately immaterial because that could just be a mistake or end up not mattering in the grand scheme of things. (Yes, I know I'm fucked up. Whatever.) Thus, the only rational way to approach dating is as something that one has absolutely no control over, much as the only rational way to approach things in this profession (going on the market, submitting to journals, getting a book contract, etc.) is as something that one has absolutely no control over. Because the thing is, there are a ton of people who are really good scholars who don't get jobs (etc.) and there are a ton of people who are really awesome who don't have relationships (etc.). Thus, the only appropriate strategy in both cases is to put oneself out there and to hope for the best. Kind of like throwing something at a wall and seeing what sticks.
So last night I was talking to the Chemist and I talked about my professional side of this theory (related to the fact that I often end up over-committed because I practice the whole "throw-and-see-what-sticks" theory of professional development) and he said the following:
"Wow, I hope you don't approach dating the same way." (While laughing. Because of course he seems to be under the impression that I'm not an asshole, and so he thought he was making a funny joke rather than that he thought he had my number.)
All of this can only end in tears. Or in me having like 4 boyfriends at once, if the professional analogy holds. Oh god.
1 year ago