Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Jitters: Is It the Caffeine or the Looming D-Word?

Perhaps a bit of both. It's 1 PM. I really can't afford to blow my whole afternoon and not do anything before dinner. And yet, I sit in front of my computer, paralyzed. Do I go to the gym? (I suspect that would be good, except I kind of don't want to.) Do I eat some lunch? (I need to eat, but I don't want to eat garbage food and apparently that's all I have in my house currently.) Do I go shopping? (A pathetic thing to do indeed.)

I don't know. I suppose the point here is that I hate this part of things. And what I usually end up doing is procrastinating to such an extent that I end up being late, even though I don't get anything of any value done pre-D-word.

Ugh. I hate dating. I also hate dating because, well, I think I might be a bit of a jerk about it. See, here's the thing: I'm ultimately completely without hope that dating is anything but a total crap-shoot and whether one thinks one likes a person or clicks with a person is ultimately immaterial because that could just be a mistake or end up not mattering in the grand scheme of things. (Yes, I know I'm fucked up. Whatever.) Thus, the only rational way to approach dating is as something that one has absolutely no control over, much as the only rational way to approach things in this profession (going on the market, submitting to journals, getting a book contract, etc.) is as something that one has absolutely no control over. Because the thing is, there are a ton of people who are really good scholars who don't get jobs (etc.) and there are a ton of people who are really awesome who don't have relationships (etc.). Thus, the only appropriate strategy in both cases is to put oneself out there and to hope for the best. Kind of like throwing something at a wall and seeing what sticks.

So last night I was talking to the Chemist and I talked about my professional side of this theory (related to the fact that I often end up over-committed because I practice the whole "throw-and-see-what-sticks" theory of professional development) and he said the following:

"Wow, I hope you don't approach dating the same way." (While laughing. Because of course he seems to be under the impression that I'm not an asshole, and so he thought he was making a funny joke rather than that he thought he had my number.)

All of this can only end in tears. Or in me having like 4 boyfriends at once, if the professional analogy holds. Oh god.


Kate said...

Give yourself more of a break! I get the impression you never cut yourself any slack. I'm sure things will be fine. You don't have dates lined up with four guys, just the Chemist, who you seem to like. So do your thing, procrastinate or not, and don't be so hard on yourself, just for today.

I hope you have a lovely time tonight!

Derrick said...

Sending good thoughts your way, as well.

itinerarium said...

Feast or famine, aye? Of course it's going to end in tears. The trick, I think, is to have a Zen like faith in the irrationality, the improbability of it all - to fall to the ground and miss, as proto-geek Douglas Adams would have it.

You'll be fine. You don't hate it that much or you wouldn't have all the nervous, buzzing energy - that's excitement, darling, not loathing. Self-loathing, perhaps, but again, in the contradiction lies the fun. Which tears can be, on occasion....

Ancrene Wiseass said...

You're not an asshole. You're a realist.

Unless I'm an asshole who just thinks she's a realist. But then, at least, we can be assholes in solidarity.

Either way, I hope it went well! After all, sometimes it works out. That's why we keep trying.