Ok, so after all of the crap of the last week, I think that everybody here probably knows who I "really" am. And yet, I have no plans to stop being Dr. Crazy. And I've thought a bit about this, wondering why that is. So let me just lay it out for everybody here, if you care:
1. When I say I don't want the blog to be google-able under my real name, what I mean is that I don't want any stranger I meet to be able to google my real-life name and find the blog. I'm single and dating (well, or not dating, but I would date - I'e not ruled it out) and there are a lot of fucked up people in the world. I also want the choice of who reads it in connection with me (as much as I can have such a choice) in terms of professional contacts. I don't particularly want people to have access to the blog without choosing to give it to them in those circumstances. Now, if people choose to use any number of clues to figure the real-life name out, while I don't get it, I don't care all that much.
2. I don't want to feel like this needs to be a space on which I write only "professional" material. I know - male academics write blogs under their own names and they don't stick only to "professional" topics. But let me tell you: I've got no model for that in terms of a woman doing it, and so until I become brave enough to be a pioneer in this regard, well, I will continue to stay Crazy.
3. It actually kind of pisses me off that people persist in their interest in who the fuck I am - you know, really. Why does that matter? My readers are great, and I do think it is kind of the many people have emailed me (over the years that I've been blogging - not just this week) to warn me that they were able to "figure me out" with whatever methods they've used. I will say, though, that I will never understand the desire to sleuth around to find me out. Why the fuck does it matter? When you find out my name, do you really know any more than you know from what I write here? You know where I work. You might even be able to read my publications, if you're really motivated. But does that give you some kind of insight that you wouldn't otherwise have? In truth? I really don't think so. And if you want to know who I am, just send me an email - I tell most people. Why be all cloak and dagger about "figuring out" who I am? Because I'm many things, but I'm not particularly cloak and dagger about much, and every time somebody tells me that they've done all this detective work to figure out who I am, I always feel a little bit violated. Why not just respect the conceit that Dr. Crazy is who I am? Or if you don't respect that, why not keep it to yourself that you don't - because when you reveal it to me - in however well-intentioned a way - I often feel like that translates into a disrespect for me. I mean, I'm not actually trying to keep the blog a "secret" even if I don't want it immediately connected with my professional identity. That makes perfect sense to me, even if it apparently doesn't to anybody else. The pseudonym isn't really about being afraid at all, or at least not in the way that people think.
I don't know. I've thought a lot about what it would mean not to use a pseudonym. But I don't want to be forced into that decision, should I ever choose to make it. But I also don't want to write about my pseudonym or having one or anything else for a while. So, if by some super-secret detective work you put two and two together from details in posts and you figure out who I am, don't tell me. I don't really want to think about right now. Mainly because the more I think about it the more exhausting blogging becomes and the less I want to continue doing it.
1 year ago