And the only evil ignorance.
This, folks, was what my fortune had to tell me this evening, as I gorged myself on Chinese food in an effort to try to make myself feel better and to find some meaning in my stupid life. And you know what I thought as soon as I read that there fortune? "No shit, Sherlock." And who's even said that past the age of 12? But yes, that was my response. Because my whole problem right now is that I'm ignorant about some things that I need to know about, and there's not one thing that I can do other than to wait around until somebody decides to enlighten me. And that, my friends, is why it's really not good to be me.
That and the fact that I slipped and fell on some ice this morning as I tried to walk across campus to my class.
And the fact that it's probably not good that I've been holed up in my house waiting to become un-ignorant through two snow days.
And that I've not been getting anything done during this waiting to become un-ignorant, unless one counts playing Civilization IV constantly as "getting something done."
I mean, I suppose one could say that I'm getting a great deal done, in that I'm founding and developing whole civilizations, but as this is imaginary, it probably doesn't count.
But so yes. It's hard to wait. Even after months of waiting. And I'm not a patient person, and I'm not interesting when I'm waiting around for things that are out of my control. And so this, folks, is the reason why I've been so quiet. I'm giving myself until tomorrow to wallow, and then I've got to move on. Not that anything necessarily will be different tomorrow, but I just can't go on in this holding pattern. No, I need to get back to eating like a rational person, I need to get my ass to the gym, and I need to focus on other things aside from this stupid predicament in which I've put myself. God, why couldn't I just be content with what I've got instead of putting myself in a position where I'd have to wonder what the future would hold? I hate wondering what the future holds. I like routine, stability. Why am I always forgetting that?
12 years ago
9 comments:
Um, I've always loved you, Dr. Crazy, but the fact that you TOO play Civ IV has won my heart forever.
I completely relate to the uncertainty you're in the middle of.... I hope you did not get hurt when you fell on the ice.
Oh, don't worry Brightstar, nothing was hurt during the slip on the ice but my pride. I have much experience with falling down, and thus know enough just to let it happen and not to try to break the fall, which in my experience is how one gets hurt. But yeah, it's totally embarassing to just go with the fall. (Not that it's not embarassing to fight it, but whatever.)
And yes, MM, I cannot stop playing the Civ IV! I'm so glad someone else understands this addiction :)
At least you didn't cry at your job interview. I did! Now THAT was embarrassing...
Yeah I imagine the waiting would bedriving you into the arms of the ...Sioux... Anyway my wife is going through the same agony right now and I am at a loss as to what to say besides it is out your hands and you tried hard. Anyway, good luck!
Worst (academic) waiting experience: got the campus interview, was told just after the interview by the chair and several others "you're getting the job" and, my personal fav, "whay don't you take some time while you're here to look at some places to live," I return home, I wait for the offical offer, I wait, I wait, wait, waiting, waiting, send emails and receive terse 'we're working out details' responses, I wait some more, wait, and finally I get one of those form letters with chairs signature photocopied saying "The dept. of ____ at Univ. of ____ is pleased to announce the hiring of __________ at the rank of Asst. Prof." Suffice to say, the name was not mine.
I beleive my response was
mother ___ers.
Hang in there, Doc.
much support coming your way.
Oh, Dr. C, this is the hardest. I was on an adrenaline high on every one of my flybacks, and every one (including the one I knew I'd decline if I was offered it), gave me an acid pit in my stomach for days, even after having gotten the news, oddly, including offers I ended up taking.
The waiting is the worst, and my experience is that at least Civ IV is more engaging than spider solitaire, which is what I played obsessively while waiting (in fact after my first heartbreaking rejection, I hung up the phone, opened spider solitaire, and played for an hour while letting the news set in.)
I feel so much for you at this moment, and know that even the fact that you are a total superstar can offer you no consolation until this process is over. But you ARE a total superstar.
I fucking hate the market, and I fucking hate the moronic toad-like academicians who defend it! Oops, did I say that? I mean, really! Could Sade (as in Marquis de, not Soul Singer LOL) have devised a more inhumane ridiculous "system" had he tried? There was something recently in CHE about the market in the UK, and how for some positions it is a one-day affair, no mysteries, no waiting: you and all the competition in one room, giving short presentations and then it's all over: everyone is told who got it. No inside candidates, no dissimulations, no bullshit dinners full of bullshit talk, no rigid rictus grins at innanities, no endless waiting for the wrong form letter that still says no.
Sort of like a rapid HIV Test. No more two weeks, baby! You get to know now! Welcome to your life! Stressful in its own way (both the HIV test and same-day interviews), but at the end of it all you can walk into the sun *knowing*! Now that is priceless.
Good luck with the waiting. And if it doesn't go your way, you know what? Fuck 'em! Stay fresh and fabulous, and never let it show on your face!
Now, on a more serious note, I know you are under an incredible amount of stress and anxiety, but actually admitting you play CIV? Ahem! Really! Some things are just better left unsaid! Paging the Nerd Squad!
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