Thursday, April 09, 2009

You Know What Sucks?

Trying to break up with a person whom you've not seen since December, who is probably if not your single best friend in the world is definitely one of them, and who's doped up on vicodin because he likely has a kidney stone.

Perhaps Crazy's timing wasn't ideal with the drugs and all. But she feels both too old for this shit and too young for this shit at the same time.

Here's the thing. You know what I want in the next five years?

I want the following:

1) I don't want to live in an apartment.
2) If I'm in a romantic-style relationship, I'd like to see the person at least 6 times a year. (like in the next year or two)
3) Further, I think I would like to be in a committed, married-style relationship. (by year 5)
4) I want the option of having a baby. I'm not entirely sure about how that would work for me right now, but in the next five years, I want to be able to decide to do that if I want.
5) I want to know that if I decide to be in a relationship that the person I am in it with is equally in it. That includes actually motherfucking seeing me.

I do not think that those five things are too much to want. I am not being unreasonable. And so if I have been giving a person the benefit of the doubt for two full years, and those things are no nearer now than they were then, well, it is time for me to jump ship, right?

And NOT because that other person is a douchebag, or a loser, or because he has an inability to make plans, or because he is this total victim of the cruel, cruel world in which we live. It is time for me to jump ship because this sucks balls for me. He is not some victim of the world - he has made this world. This is his fucking world, and the fact that there is nothing that I can do to change it, sure, sucks, but clearly it was never my world to begin with.

My world is nice, and there is hope and happiness and flowers and such in my world. This world with HIM? BULLSHIT. That's what makes up that world. Total and complete bullshit. And it's not that I'm naive, or that I want too much, or that I don't understand complexity, or whatever. No. It's that he can't step up. Done. I need to be done.

(I don't feel done.)

19 comments:

redzils said...

Well, crap. That sounds hard, and also a little bit like my life, in a way I an not quite ready to think about.

Good luck escaping the bullshit, and have fun in NO!

(my word verification is fackser, which seems appropriate)

Tenured Radical said...

You go, girl.

phd me said...

Oh, how much do I understand this!! You aren't unreasonable for wanting perfectly reasonable things and actions and options from someone who purports to care about you. Kudos to you for making a touch decision. Now go have a blast at your conference!

Anastasia said...

I must admit the idea of a Crazy Baby makes me giddy with happiness. :)

Meanwhile, I don't think you're being unreasonable. At all.

Janice said...

This is a difficult step but it's vital to your sanity and well-being to step away from what isn't working. Good luck!

Kate said...

I like the way you think and I like that you are fighting for yourself here.

Jenny Davidson said...

Ugh!

I have always felt, re: long-distance relationships, that seeing the other person once a month is fairly essential (every three weeks is better, but not always logistically feasible) to keep the relationship a part of real life as opposed to something fanciful and largely separate from real life. If this can't be achieved, either because of time or money issues or what have you, it is difficult to sustain...

Ann said...

Well done. You have a right to live in your world! My calculus is that a relationship should bring you more than it costs you, and it sounds like it's been costing you a lot without doing much for you lately.

Historiann.com

AcadeMama said...

Sometimes the "done" feeling doesn't come until after you've finished things. And that's totally okay, because it can feel so damn good to have the doneness wash over you.

It sucks to wait it out. It sucks even worse to let it go. But GOD isn't it--aren't you--worth it?

~profgrrrrl~ said...

Your needs are pretty normal ones. Nothing unreasonable here. It's unfortunate when people have invested time and emotions in a relationship only to find that the needs don't match up on both sides, but it happens.

life_of_a_fool said...

You're right. You're not unreasonable. And, it's a process -- if you don't feel done yet, you may lurch along and backstep for a bit (if you're like me, anyway) and as time goes on you'll feel more and more done.

Susan said...

This is not unreasonable, but it's always hard to close doors. Good luck, and I hope you have a great time in NO to help over the hump.

Boomsbury said...

Close your eyes, grit your teeth and just jump! It's the right thing to do.

Rokeya said...

Good for you for taking care of yourself/keeping your needs in sight. You'll both be happier in the long term because of it. I hope you have a wonderful conference.

Horace said...

Oh, C...Good for you, but I'm sad for you, too. You really do need a breather. (((Crazy)))

Nik said...

I have lived your parenthetical. It sucks. But I think you should get what you want.

Dame Eleanor Hull said...

Oof. Yeah. I had one of those once, and for awhile it was pretty nice, & then it totally sucked. Spend the phone time in a way that will move you toward your perfectly reasonable goals.

Comet Jo said...

Don't know exactly what to say, since I don't know you in person, but I want to express support somehow: What you want is reasonable, the sort of thing we all want, and the sort of thing you can probably have, with any luck and if you make it possible. Maybe your not done, but it sounds like you've started.

helenesch said...

I'm not sure what to say either, though I think it's really important to figure out what it is that you need and want. (And yes, what you describe is completely normal and reasonable!)

I often feel like I'm told that I'm supposed to want a certain kind of relationship, and it's been hard to figure out if that's really what I want or not (I've had relationships that typically do not fit the norm, and am not quite sure what I want....In the face of such strong pressures, it's hard to make decisions that are really best for *me* and are based on my *own* wants/needs/desires). Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with all this.