Because I Need Motivation

Today's going to be one of those days where I use the blog to cross off things on my list. I know, this is lame, and it's not interesting reading, but on a day like today, doing this does make me feel like I'm not just working in a vacuum. And so.

• Make hair appointment
• Finish syllabi for 3 of 4 classes
• Finish assignments to be handed out on the first day for 3 of 4 classes
• Send syllabi to be copied
• Work on syllabus, assignments, and blog for web-based course
• Make appt. to take car in for maintenance
• Make doctor appt.
• Pick up package
• Change password for university login
• Email committee I'm chairing
• Email former student
• Submit allied org. panels for MLA
• Hound IT about computer issues Though more hounding will be necessary....
• Work out
• Work on evaluation of thesis for award
• Clean out email -- did some of this, but much more to do

ETA: I think that I had a major mental breakthrough today. I was at the office for about 3 hours, and while I got a lot done, I didn't get everything done that I'd hope to do (as one never does). And I was thinking about how I'd have to do some crap tonight, and that made me cranky, and so I came home for lunch, and then I even tried to lay around with the kitties, but nothing was making me happy, and so I dragged myself to the gym. I had a really good workout (though I really wish I was one of those people who look great when they exercise, which I'm about 99 percent certain I am not - I don't know for sure because my gym is lovely and doesn't have mirrors except for in the weirdo weight area where body builders go) but I found myself, as the workout was ending, and then on the way home, thinking about tons of self-sabotaging things that a person like me might do. I found myself wanting to drink vast quantities of alcohol, eat ice cream and potato chips, score some sort of drugs, smoke cigarettes, talk to strange men, shoplift.... you get the picture. So somehow I took myself home, where none of those things exist, but I seriously almost went out and got myself some self-sabotaging things (french fries, ice cream, and a bottle of wine were my fantasy). But it was crazy. I had this internal battle going on in which on the one hand I was like "But I've been doing so well! I deserve a treat for my labors!" but then I argued back on the other hand, "But I've been doing so well! And I don't even want this crap! What the hell is wrong with me?" So I listened to the angel on my shoulder rather than the devil, I had yummy (healthy) dinner, and then I took a nice hot bath. And I decided I wouldn't be doing work tonight, and I felt great. And then it clicked. What was "wrong" with me was that I didn't want to work on my web class tonight. I don't really need to work on it tonight, let's just note for the record, but I think that the reason I wanted to do things that were antithetical to the self-care resolution was because I've typically used those sort of things as a "break" from work. It's the whole "work hard/play hard" thing, which is really not a very sensible way of conducting an actual life. And that is so incredibly fucked up because working hard and playing hard has made me the sort of person who does things that she doesn't want to do, really, and that are bad for her, in order to excuse doing things that she does want to do, like relaxing like a normal person, which are good for her, actually, even though the cycle of guilt and self-recrimination upon which so much academic work depends tells us that those things are bad. So I'm not doing work tonight. But what's important to note is that I would not have done work tonight under any circumstances. If I were sabotaging the eating/exercise I'd busy myself with things that were bad for me, and I wouldn't get work done either, but I also wouldn't admit that I was choosing to relax, and so I wouldn't actually get to relax. This way, my "treat" is that I'm not doing something bad for myself and yet I still get to not do work.