Sunday, August 05, 2007

A Post about Nothing (and Everything)

Today was wildly unproductive, though I suppose that's ok for a saturday. It's just that I've been in a productivity slump of late, and I think that it has to do with anxiety under the surface about All That Must Be Done as much as it has to do with the "productive" procrastination that I have a habit of engaging in times such as these and as much as it has to do with not wanting to face the fact that I've got to start in under a month back in the grind of the semester.

That said, I did figure out most of the course schedule for the one class that I've been ignoring all summer, so all was not lost. I'll admit, though, that my motivation for getting this done has less to do with me really caring about the syllabus or the course schedule and more to do with the fact that this is the syllabus that more than any other determines my social schedule during the fall.

See, this is the 3-day-a-week class, and while I do know that I work best on a 5-day-a-week teaching schedule, I do tend to resent the M/W/F in ways that I don't resent the T/H portion of my schedule. This has as much to do with the fact that I don't particularly enjoy teaching what I teach on M/W/F as with the fact that the M/W/F-ness of the schedule means that it makes it more difficult for me to pick up and take off for a weekend, say, than it would be did I not have this dumb schedule. And yes, I know it's better for me in terms of productivity, and I know I choose it, but that doesn't mean I resent it less.

But so yeah. Things are getting in line with teaching for the fall. But I'm using teaching as an excuse not to do the work that I need to be doing on the book and the work that I need to be doing on revising this collection essay I've got languishing in front of me. And I'm using teaching as a way of not doing those things because those things are harder. That's the bottom line.

You know, I'm just tired. I feel like I've had no fucking summer. I know that's rich, given the fact that I was all glamorous and traveling for three weeks, but the traveling wasn't relaxing, really. It wasn't like pure down time. And so now I'm doing this thing where I'm kind of taking down time, but then also feeling guilty, and then so kind of working. And so it's not real down time, but it's not real work either. And it sucks. And it's stupid. I'd be better off if I just allowed myself a few days and then really got down to it, but apparently I'd rather guilt-trip myself and feel sorry for myself.

Blech. I don't want to be this whiny. Today I didn't turn on the computer all day long after my initial morning glance at things, and I think that was good. I watched some of "The Two Coreys" (as well as a bio thing on the pair), as well as "Rock of Love" (hideous and yet entirely mesmerizing), as well as Back to the Future. I cooked, and I hung out with the Man-Kitty. I didn't answer the phone. It was alright. I considered doing some research-crap I need to do, but decided I couldn't focus. I attempted to write in my journal and decided I wasn't in the mood. I watched that hideous movie. So there we are.

It's late. I should take my ass off to bed. Hmmm. But with the schedule I'm on lately, I'm not especially tired.

And I want to reflect on the State of Affairs in my life, but I can't get it up for that kind of reflection, as much as I might want to do it.

I've also been thinking a lot about what I choose to write about on the blog, and thinking about how that has changed since I first started blogging three years ago. I actually have a story to tell about meeting one of my readers - not on purpose - this summer.

And of course, there are still stories from my travels that I've not told.

But here I am, not wanting to write about any of it.

I'm just a lame blogger right now. That said, I just got off the phone with a VERY drunk A. and I am glad that I'm not out, for whatever that's worth.

Blah. Enough of this lame post. I apologize for being both boring and self-pitying.

7 comments:

Notorious Ph.D. said...

I can sympathize with the "where did summer go?" thing. I thought I'd finish two chapters by now. Instead, I've managed to revise one lousy article, and avoid working on the chapters at all.

But hey -- if having an unproductive day is such a rare occurrence for you that its noteworthy, then you're doing okay, I think.

EdSmithers said...

yes, it's horrible. having to teach on Monday and Friday does cut into vacation time. and then that summer abroad. fuck the academy for expecting so much of you.

wait, this post didn't reflect on how pretty and desirable you are...are you sick or something?

Lesboprof said...

Don't worry about the whining. As far as I am concerned, it is an occupational hazard. I am totally with you.

Next year I am resolved to spend 2 weeks on a real vacation--no work at all, no responsibilities, potentially no computer (I can't commit to that right now!). That may actually help me focus on work the rest of the time, if I can spend some time focused only on fun.

Dr. Crazy said...

Look, Edsmithers, whoever you are, you've not commented here before but you seem to have a problem with what I write here, so the best advice I can give you is not to waste your time reading that which irritates you. I'm not saying that I don't have a great job, but that doesn't mean I can't complain about things just the same. And if you continue to comment on posts with the particular tone you've taken in this and the other comments you left today, then I'll delete them. Fair warning.

EdSmithers said...

Dr. Crazy,

Well, you gave me the blog address, and after reading a certain amount of it, I really saw you in a whole new light. If your friends won't tell you what a bitch you are, maybe a friend of a friend might force you to face some facts.

Your attitude gives academics a bad name. I mean, celebrate your book, celebrate your accomplishments, but don't bitch about the system that rewards the kind of life of the mind you want to lead.

Ed

PS: I think you'll realize who I am if you think just a minute and think of a friend who introduced you to an "old pal" fairly recently. I won't comment anymore. I sincerely thought you needed a bit of a wake-up call. You don't want one, so I'll let it go.

Dr. Crazy said...

Ed, just to respond. If I gave you the address, I suppose all I can say is that the voice on the blog differs from the "me" in real life, it's a voice that developed over time, and in part it is a space for venting. I'm sorry that you think I'm a bitch, but I suppose you've a right to your opinion. At any rate, best wishes.

Crazy

Terri said...

jesus i watch the same shit on tv but don't even admit it to myself. last night i flipped by the two coreys (WTF??) and then wound up stuck at rock of love and it was overwhelming--actually, mesmerizing is about right. it was the episode where rodeo goes home after singing about her kid (are these reruns?).
there is definitely a feminist analysis to be done there. the funny thing is i never intend to watch these shows, i just wind up there and then can't stop.

oh, and smitherines to edsmithers.