A Post about Nothing (and Everything)

Today was wildly unproductive, though I suppose that's ok for a saturday. It's just that I've been in a productivity slump of late, and I think that it has to do with anxiety under the surface about All That Must Be Done as much as it has to do with the "productive" procrastination that I have a habit of engaging in times such as these and as much as it has to do with not wanting to face the fact that I've got to start in under a month back in the grind of the semester.

That said, I did figure out most of the course schedule for the one class that I've been ignoring all summer, so all was not lost. I'll admit, though, that my motivation for getting this done has less to do with me really caring about the syllabus or the course schedule and more to do with the fact that this is the syllabus that more than any other determines my social schedule during the fall.

See, this is the 3-day-a-week class, and while I do know that I work best on a 5-day-a-week teaching schedule, I do tend to resent the M/W/F in ways that I don't resent the T/H portion of my schedule. This has as much to do with the fact that I don't particularly enjoy teaching what I teach on M/W/F as with the fact that the M/W/F-ness of the schedule means that it makes it more difficult for me to pick up and take off for a weekend, say, than it would be did I not have this dumb schedule. And yes, I know it's better for me in terms of productivity, and I know I choose it, but that doesn't mean I resent it less.

But so yeah. Things are getting in line with teaching for the fall. But I'm using teaching as an excuse not to do the work that I need to be doing on the book and the work that I need to be doing on revising this collection essay I've got languishing in front of me. And I'm using teaching as a way of not doing those things because those things are harder. That's the bottom line.

You know, I'm just tired. I feel like I've had no fucking summer. I know that's rich, given the fact that I was all glamorous and traveling for three weeks, but the traveling wasn't relaxing, really. It wasn't like pure down time. And so now I'm doing this thing where I'm kind of taking down time, but then also feeling guilty, and then so kind of working. And so it's not real down time, but it's not real work either. And it sucks. And it's stupid. I'd be better off if I just allowed myself a few days and then really got down to it, but apparently I'd rather guilt-trip myself and feel sorry for myself.

Blech. I don't want to be this whiny. Today I didn't turn on the computer all day long after my initial morning glance at things, and I think that was good. I watched some of "The Two Coreys" (as well as a bio thing on the pair), as well as "Rock of Love" (hideous and yet entirely mesmerizing), as well as Back to the Future. I cooked, and I hung out with the Man-Kitty. I didn't answer the phone. It was alright. I considered doing some research-crap I need to do, but decided I couldn't focus. I attempted to write in my journal and decided I wasn't in the mood. I watched that hideous movie. So there we are.

It's late. I should take my ass off to bed. Hmmm. But with the schedule I'm on lately, I'm not especially tired.

And I want to reflect on the State of Affairs in my life, but I can't get it up for that kind of reflection, as much as I might want to do it.

I've also been thinking a lot about what I choose to write about on the blog, and thinking about how that has changed since I first started blogging three years ago. I actually have a story to tell about meeting one of my readers - not on purpose - this summer.

And of course, there are still stories from my travels that I've not told.

But here I am, not wanting to write about any of it.

I'm just a lame blogger right now. That said, I just got off the phone with a VERY drunk A. and I am glad that I'm not out, for whatever that's worth.

Blah. Enough of this lame post. I apologize for being both boring and self-pitying.