And it really gets in the way of regular posting. I don't know what the problem is - I'm generally all about the title. Usually I've got the title before I've got anything else. But I think I'm having difficulty with titles in all areas, personal and professional, of late.
See putting a label on things (ultimately, what a title does) is a good way of having control over them, yes? The title gives you direction, tells you where you're going, tells you what to expect. And I like controlling, having direction, knowing where I'm going, knowing what to expect. Or at least I have always liked those things historically. But all of a sudden, I'm in this "hey, it is what it is" sort of a place, and that's seeping over into my ability to come up with actual titles for written things. Whatever.
But so anyway, Friday night I went out (hurrah!) and it was good great fun and something that I really needed to do. Yesterday, I did nothing. Because you know what? I'm totally not used to going out and partying like a rockstar anymore. It's so sad. And then today, well, things got off to a very slow start, but I finished up something that I had to do for a deadline, I came up with an activity for class tomorrow, I made a delicious (and yet seemingly disgusting) and healthy "Crazy Casserole" so I won't eat garbage all week long (yes, I'm getting back into the whole, "I chef it up on the weekends so as to eat in a healthy fashion" groove), and so all was not lost today.
As for personal life considerations.... ah. I don't know really how much I want to write about that stuff in this space. Things are fine, really, and it's not like I'm agonizing related to personal stuff lately. And my personal life isn't totally subsumed by the job lately, although one might think that it would be, given how much focus the job is demanding. So at the most basic level, everything is cool. I suppose this is the thing: I used to use this space to work out preliminary thoughts about personal stuff a lot more than I seem to do now. There are some concrete reasons why I don't use that space in this way lately (having to do with not wanting to be a passive-aggressive jackass) but to be honest, I'm not really sure that the concrete reasons are the only thing operating here. I think part of it is that more than ever I'm not sure how much good analyzing the fuck out of one's personal life really does. I mean, however much analysis one devotes to that crap, it all sort of goes one way or the other regardless, you know? And I know what I want in my life, and I think I'm progressing along in a way that isn't counterproductive when it comes to that stuff. So why bother analyzing everything to death? It doesn't make other people do what you want them to do, or make anything go more smoothly - in fact, it generally seems to have the tendency to fuck things up. But then I think that maybe my resistance against analysis lately - not only on the blog but elsewhere - might be evidence of a kind of shutting down that might not be good in the long run. You know what it is, at bottom, though? I think it's that I don't want to do what I've done a lot in the past - I don't want to be the person who figures everything the fuck out. I'd much rather experiment with other people figuring things out and seeing what happens if other people do that. Partly because when I think I've got everything figured out most of the time people haven't gone along with my grand plans. So, I'm just letting it ride for now. And if it happens that I'm no longer comfortable with that, I think I'd rather just call it a day than make some big bid for a grand plan that's not going to work out anyway. I'd rather keep my options open - to be on the receiving end than to be on the proactive end.
But so yeah. I'm shit when it comes to putting titles on things lately.
1 year ago