This actually has nothing to do with me. Or, well, only by association. A friend of mine is in the midst of the hellishness that is breaking up with a person with whom one lives, and the own special hellishness reserved for being the one who had no idea it was coming. I went through that myself about 7 years ago - though as soon as I heard the "I can't do this" business I immediately was like, "Um, YOU can't do this? I think I am the one who can't do this," so even though I didn't see it coming, I was able immediately to see that it was the only possible thing for me to do (through rage and tears and grief and whatever). My friend's different. She... well, she's not cold and dead inside. Not that I'm really cold and dead inside, but I do shut down pretty quickly when crossed. My friend... she still believes in love and flowers and stuff, and so this is like a nightmare from which she wants to wake up because "this can't be happening." And she thinks that there's something wrong with her - that she caused this. (My theory on ends of relationships is that both people - no matter what the circumstances - are the cause and that there are no victims - only blame enough for everybody. As I write that out it seems kind of a hard core way to think, but it's how I think. So it's not that I don't blame myself when things don't work out - I do - but I never fail to blame the other person, too. And, dude, the person who decides - after three years of living together and after talking about getting married and having kids and all the rest of the shit that people talk about - that it's over probably holds some responsibility for the end of the relationship. Just saying.
But so I hate break-ups. Even when they're not mine. Maybe this is why I like a fake relationship. If it's not real you can't really break up. I realize that's emotionally immature and blah blah blah, but I have been through too many break-ups and I don't want any more. So really the only other solution available to me - besides fake relationships, I mean - would be some sort of hard-core-no-divorce-possible sort of marriage, but I feel like that would require me moving halfway around the world to a third world country where divorce wasn't legal, and that would be a big hassle.
But anyway, things are gloomy here as I try to comfort my friend, and as I silently curse the person who did this to her.
12 years ago
6 comments:
I think it's pretty mean to surprise someone with something like that. I had a former debater who moved 500 miles for grad school with a boyfriend, set up an apartment, got a job. All was good in September and October -- and in November he told her it was over. No negotiations etc... The weird part is that he stayed in her grad school city (which sucks much more than where he's from).
I don't think your theory on the end of relationships is hard core. To me, it seems way less hard core than the idea that it could be *one* person's fault. And, anyway, I agree with you. Though this sucks for your friend, and I'm sorry for her.
I think you make a strong case here for fake relationships! FBs all 'round!
Historiann.com
I agree with your theory. When relationships break up, it's usually the fault of both people. I've watched friends sink into the "I'm a victim" downward spiral, and it drives me crazy because I know it's just going to keep getting worse. Ugh.
Agreed on your "it takes two to tango" theory. I wouldn't consider it "hard-ass", just realistic.
If you want to read some hilarious break-up drama, check out Terry Castle's new memoir "The Professor". It just so happens that Historiann, Tenured Radical, and I have just reviewed it!
While I agree that the cause probably lies with both people, I think there are different percentages of cause/blame usually to be assigned to both parties.
Many hugs for your friend Crazy
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