- A colleague of mine and I estimated that my binder with all my crap weighs in at the size of a fat baby. The moment I dropped that square fat baby off to the administrator to whom it needed to go, I did feel a weight lift off of me, though I was still somewhat cranky.
- So I decided that the only thing for it last night was to give myself permission just to chill. I didn't look at the computer (or even turn it on), I didn't talk on the phone, I allowed myself to eat chips and dip and reese's peanutbutter cup eggs for dinner (for which I will pay at the gym today) And I watched parts one and two of John Adams (awesome!).
- And today I'm also not going to do work, but rather I'm going to clean, make a detailed grocery list, go to the gym, and go to the store. Because with all of the stress, what's gotten a bit out of control has been the "life" side of things.
- See, this has always been the problem I've had with the advice to strive toward "balance." Balance for me doesn't look like "well, if you just do a little bit every day then you'll never feel stress!" Part of this is because I developed my work habits in a way that means I can't work effectively that way and such evenness actually stresses me out. But what I'm realizing is that while my natural tendency is to have some extremes - especially when my plate is really full - between intense work focus and intense laziness, that if I make sure to stop and think about what I need, and if I pause to take care of myself, that I don't need to become a lunatic every time the plate is full to overflowing. It's not either be a lunatic or be this mechanical workhorse. Instead, it's about recognizing that extremes are part of my makeup, but not to give too much sway to one extreme (the workaholic tendencies) or to the other (the laziness). I think that keeping in mind that there needs to be a third part - taking care of myself - is a huge breakthrough for me.
- I also think that the process of putting the Binder of Tenure added some weird stress to the mix that I'd never really realized it did before. On the one hand, looking at what one's accomplished and giving oneself credit for it is a good thing. On the other, when I do that, I always end up saying, "Oh my god. Is this really all my life is? Is this really my past five years?" This line of thinking leads down a dark road indeed. So it's good I made the push and got it done more quickly than I'd originally anticipated I'd do. Now I don't need to think about it.
- Except, of course, I'm still thinking about it a bit in a residual way. That is neither here nor there.
- Random thoughts: when were umbrellas invented? And mustn't it have sucked to live in a time before the umbrella? And (random thought that is not my own) why do we call it "birth control" and not "pregnancy control"? Because really, isn't it the latter?
- My kitty cat is very adorable.
- Yes, I think that's about it.
And so, now on to begin my day!