On the Market - The Why of It

I just finished having a conversation with Job Search Mentor (JSM), and it was good. I want to write about this decision of mine, to go on the market, and I want to write about it in relation to what I've experienced in three years on the tenure-track at a regional comprehensive university in a metropolitan area. I'm not sure how to do this. I had toyed with the idea of starting a separate blog for posts related to the job search, but I'm not sure that a) I want to compartmentalize in that way or b) that I could compartmentalize in that way if I tried. The truth of the matter is that this decision to look - and that's exactly what it is, a decision to look, not necessarily one to leave - feels like it's imbedded in my professional life at this institution, and it doesn't make sense to separate it out.

So I think that this will be the first in a series of posts in which I try to be reflective about all of this crap.

Why Go on the Market?
A lot of people would say that I should be happy in my current position. And you know what I'd say? I'd say that I am. I am not in any way "unhappy" with my current job. Dissatisfied in some respects, yes, but that's not the same thing as "unhappiness." Let's list the positives of this job, just to show you that I'm not delusional in claiming happiness:

1. I am in a small-medium city. This means that I have good libraries (research and public), good museums, and good restaurants.
2. I am paid a good salary for my field and my area of the country. Since leaving graduate school, I have been able to live like a grown-up and to buy things without thinking about it first.
   
3. I have a great deal autonomy in all areas of my job. This can be annoying sometimes, but for the most part I would rather have complete control over things like the courses I teach, classroom practices, research agenda, service I choose to do, etc.
4. My department is collegial and friendly, without too many weird factions or points of tension between people.
5. People seem to think that I'm doing a good job, and I've received a number of opportunities that confirm the high opinion of my colleagues.
6. I've been able to maintain an active research agenda, in no small part because I've had good support in the form of travel money, as well as some awards from the institution that have helped.
7. I like teaching first-generation college students.
   

I could list more, but these are the main things. And so, those of you who have been on the market multiple times with no luck, or those of you who are stuck in horrible departments or geographical locations or both, or those of you who are in long-distance relationships, etc. might want to tell me to fuck off and to be happy with what I've got.

Part of me thinks that I should fuck off and be happy with what I've got. I feel guilty for wanting more or better or different or whatever. But here are the reasons why I don't listen to those nagging voices of negativity in my head.

1. Whatever good things there are about my job, it's a job with a 4-4 load which includes 2 composition classes each semester.* I have absolutely no passion for teaching composition, and what passion I have for teaching literature is sapped both by teaching composition and by the sheer amount of teaching that I do.
2. Socially, this is a very hard place for a single person to live. People my age in this location are married. Shit, people 10 years younger than me in this location are married. I feel like a freak. At nearly-32, I should not feel like a freak and like I'll be barren at any second, and intellectually I know this, but emotionally it's hard to remember.
3. While I feel appreciated at this job, I don't feel like real value is ascribed to some of the activities that are most important to me.
4. There is no reason for me to stay here. No reason for me to leave, but no reason for me to stay.
   
5. I am ambitious. I believe that I could do better. I'm not saying that I am so awesome or anything, or that there wouldn't be trade-offs, but ambition tends to make one a bit restless, tends to make it tough to settle for the "ok" thing when the "great" thing might be around the corner if you try.
   
6. I don't like when people judge me negatively based on my institutional affiliation. I don't like when people pity me because of my institutional affiliation.
7. As much as I like the kind of students I teach and believe that teaching them is really important work, I also wish, sometimes, that the level of preparedness of my students was just a little, teeny bit higher. I'd like to teach students who have read an entire novel at least once in their lives before they find their way into my class.

And so today I talked to JSM about all this and more. She was totally great, and she seems to think that I'm in as good a position as anybody to try to do this thing, although, of course, a lot will depend on the job list (in a discipline where job pickings are slim generally, I'm in a specialty that's pretty small, as things go), and a lot depends on things beyond my control. But you know, I don't want to look back and wonder whether I could have ended up someplace else if only I'd tried. And I don't want to lock myself into tenure at this institution without making sure that I wouldn't rather be someplace else. It's so hard, though, because one of the things that attracted me to this profession is the security of tenure, so why does it now feel like a life sentence? And will it always?

So, now that I've listed all of my reasons, for and against, you may still think that I should fuck off and be happy with what I've got. Or you may think that this is the "problem" with kids coming out of grad school today, that we don't commit to a job and an institution for the long haul, that we're always looking for something better. Or you may think that the "negatives" or reasons for wanting to go on the market are bunk. But you know, it irks me that people only grant legitimacy to the decision to go on the market if candidates are in some way miserable (unemployed, away from spouse/family, in horrible location, at horrible institution). Maybe complete misery shouldn't be the only thing that drives us to make changes in our lives or situations.





*I realize that with the new Administrative Gig I'll have just one writing class a semester and a 3-3 load, but I'll also have to do the Administrative Gig, right? And what I'd really like more would be a lesser load without an added administrative responsibility. I'd like the lesser load to equate to a heavier commitment to research, which isn't really what I'm signing on for with the Administrative Gig.

Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays - 1st Ever Tomorrow!

Well, with all of the positive responses of yesterday, I think we should try to get this thing off the ground.

[Aside: you know, I kind of like the "Blog about X on this day of the week" format better than the carnival format, even though carnivals are good. I suppose the reason is that it's easier to be lazy about the "blog about x on this day" thing, and you know who participates (pretty much) and who doesn't, and you can choose to participate or not without having to do technorati tags or let people know or whatever. But maybe this is just because I'm lazy. And because carnivals make me feel guilty because I look at all those links, always intend to get around to reading them, and then never do.]

But so here's the dealio:

1. Wednesday will be Reading for Pleasure Wednesday.

2. Should you choose to participate, you should blog about something that you have read or are reading for pleasure.

• "Pleasure reading" includes anything that you read for the sole purpose of experiencing pleasure. If you could teach this book, if this book is the "freshman book" at your institution and you're expected to read it, if this book is something that people in your field should/must read in order to be current - I don't care how much you claim to enjoy it, this book cannot be one of your selections. If someone else chooses a book that falls into one of these "not just for pleasure" categories, however, of course you can comment about it. I'm not a total fascist (wink).
• "Pleasure reading" can include fiction, poetry, non-fiction - even drama, I suppose, though I don't think many people read plays for fun - and it can appear in book form or in periodical-type publications. (In other words, if you read a story you love in The New Yorker, that, of course, can count.) It must, however, be something that has words on the page, as the film people or the "visual text without words" people can find their own day. I would also say that we shouldn't include blog posts, just because, well, obviously we all read blogs for pleasure, and we all can get recommendations by going to each others' blogrolls.
  
• You will notice that you need not be reading this book right now. You might choose to blog about the first book that you remember reading for pleasure when you were a kid, books you read for pleasure at other notable times in your life, or you might choose to blog about a book you read three months ago. One reason that this is the case is that of course we'll all read fewer "just for pleasure" texts as the academic year begins again, and so this means that we can use stuff from the "pleasure library" to keep the thing going when times are tough.
• If you are reading the book right now, it's ok not to be finished with it.
  

3. Posts can take any form, from bulleted lists to more formal "review" sort of pieces.

4. Posts can focus on any aspect of the text in question, and need not cover every aspect.

5. Probably one should try not to do multiple posts on one text except for in the rarest of cases. (I'm just thinking that if we all got in that habit this thing could become really boring really quickly.)

6. Please include complete publication information, whether in the form of linking to the text or by just providing a bibliographic citation.

• As somebody who sometimes can be too lazy to link, I figure that as long as we include complete publication information, that will allow people to get their hands on these books should they choose to do so. Because isn't the point that this will also expand our lists of books to read for pleasure? Well, that's one of my points....

An Idea for Blog Posts

So, this morning, I was procrastinating, lying around, reading a book I got out of the library called Glamourous Disasters, about this dude who is living in NYC making his living tutoring rich kids for the SAT, and I thought to myself, "Self, I realize that this is a kind of lame book, but at the same time, it's exactly the sort of book that I would choose to read for pleasure, and I wonder whether my blog readers would choose similar sorts of things, or whether they would like reviews of such material so that they can avoid it?" And then I thought to myself, "Hey, and wouldn't it be great if we chose a day - sort of like Poetry Friday, but instead something like Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays or something - and on that day people would post about a book that they've read recently that's NOT RELATED TO WORK. AT ALL. So, for example, I checked out this essay collection about chick lit when I went to the library yesterday, and I'm not using it for anything specifically, so it's kind of a pleasure read, but not really, because it's literary criticism, right? Thus, I would not be talking about that book on Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays. I would, however, talk about books like the following (just to give some examples):

• The Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman
  
• On Beauty by Zadie Smith (Maybe, though this might fall into the category of work-reading, kind of...)
• Sex as a Second Language by Alisa Kwitney
• Passion: A Novel of the Romantic Poets by Jude Somebodyorother, which incidentally, is an awesome book.
• Girls in Trouble by another author whom I can't remember.

See what I'm saying? Just crap that I'm reading - some of it of higher quality and some of decidedly lesser quality, but just the stuff I'm reading for fun. And the reviews wouldn't give everything away, but they could provide a basic synopsis and basic reactions - I'm not talking about professional-caliber reviewing here at all. I'm talking about "I was really annoyed because the main character was so whiny." You know, the sort of stuff I'd tell my students wasn't particularly articulate but that really does get at whether a book's worth picking up or not. (Also, I'm totally intrigued by the idea of getting to find out what you all are reading.)

So does this seem like a cool idea? Would people be into it? If so, I'll be happy to get the ball rolling with an inaugural post this week....

It's That Time Again - Blogroll Updating

Well, all, I probably won't post over the weekend, as I will be having the quality time with my Mommy. Thus, now seems as good a time as any to invite any/all who would like to be on my blogroll and who are not there to leave a comment so that you may be added. (In general, I try to link to anybody who links to me, though I do tend to stick with the blogs of academic-ish types for the most part, as I imagine anybody who's finding blogs through my blogroll is probably most interested in that kind. But don't be shy about requesting to be added - I've got blogs of all shapes, sizes, and kinds on here. Also, I know a couple of you have sent me emails asking me to change your adress, but I'm a jerk and I've gotten behind on that. If you wouldn't mind leaving a comment or emailing me about it again, that would be great. Sorry to be such a slack blog administrator!)

Deal with the Devil, or the Blog's Name May Not Be Obsolete

Well, I just had a conversation with my chair about yesterday's "opportunity." It was a good talk, and he's totally supportive of me. He has agreed that the course from which I will be released will be a composition course!!!! This means that each semester, should I take this position, I will teach not two but a blissful one composition course. I will have a 3/3 load, with three preps it's true, but a 3/3 load with two literature courses (one upper- and one lower-division, ideally) and just one composition course. Now, it's true, if I take the job, I will have other responsibilities in its place. Entirely, entirely true. But if I guard my time as I know I have to, then I think it might be a good situation.

It's still not a totally done deal. Before I give the director my formal acceptance I asked for a written description of the expectations/duties for the position as well as the assurance that the term of the position would be just one academic year, though potentially renewable. Until I hear back from him about the duties and the term, I'm not saying I'll do anything. And if the duties seem like too much written out, I'll decline the position. But really, what's too much compared with teaching a composition class of 22 at-risk freshman?

Lebanon

Obviously, a lot of people in the blogosphere are talking about the tragic situation in Lebanon. I generally don't discuss this sort of thing on my blog, but I feel compelled because for me there is a personal connection to what is happening there.

My stepfather, who has been more of a father to me than my biological father for the past 20 years, is from Lebanon. He and his family, who are Christian, began immigrating to the United States in the late-70s, with the outbreak of the civil war. My "Tayta" (I have no idea how to spell that, but it's the word for grandma) was the first in the family to immigrate to the United States. She left her husband, six children, and a handful of grandchildren, to come to her brother, who had immigrated to the States years before. She spoke no English, but she learned enough to take and pass her test for United States citizenship. And then, slowly, over the course of 15 years, she worked to bring her family to join her. My stepfather came in 1980. He had been in the militia. He came with his brother, a teenager who wanted to fight but who was made to come to America instead. They, too, are United States Citizens. Following them came their sisters and their older brothers with their wives and children.

Growing up "culturally Lebanese" from the age of 12 (for lack of a better way to characterize my position), it strikes me how little we in the West know about the history of this country and the different agendas that are played out on Lebanese soil. I spent my teens hearing about the Ottoman Empire in Lebanon, how France had colonized Lebanon, how Lebanon gained its independence in 1943, about the different religious factions that sought to control the country - Orthodox, or Maronite, or Shi'a, or Druze, to name just a few of them, because this is a lot more complicated than the Christian-Muslim-Jewish trifecta - and about the political agendas of various countries that surround Lebanon. I heard all about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict in ways that were much more complicated (and utterly confusing) than in the ways I'd heard about it in classes in school. And I heard about how Beirut had been this amazing capital - "The Paris of the Middle East" - before the war and how it wasn't just a place where terrorists hung out.

Over the past week or so, in listening to and watching as much news as I can stomach about what's happening there - which admittedly is not very much - there seems to be so little context provided that there's no way that somebody without a personal connection to Lebanon and its people could possibly navigate the information provided to sift through it and to make sense of it. When we hear the talking heads talk about Islamic Fascism, for example, I suspect that for the majority of us we think about the fascism of Hitler or Mussolini or Stalin - the fascism of organized nation-states with recognizable leaders - and if we hear about this in the context of Lebanon, I suspect that many of us might logically conclude that Lebanon is a fascist country, that Lebanon = Hezbollah. We don't hear about the roots of all of this conflict in a history of colonialism. We don't hear about the ways in which the West is at the very least complicit in this conflict, if not a cause. We don't hear about the structure of different governments in the middle east, nor do we get much context about the current situation. We get film of refugees; we get talking heads supposing things about policy decisions that the United States might make. At least on the major news stations (NPR, the cable networks, the nightly news, etc.). Again, I'm not saying I've seen every bit of coverage, and I have not been looking at deeper news coverage that may be appearing elsewhere. The reason I comment anyway is that I suspect most of America is seeing about as much, or less, news coverage than I am.

When we hear about the action that Israel is taking in bombing Lebanon, we may see their position as identical to ours in going into Afghanistan or into Iraq, and depending on our politics, we may believe that Israel's action is justified or justifiable or even right. Or, whatever we think of Israel's justafiability, we might think that getting Hezbollah out of Lebanon is a good thing for the country, for the region. Or we might wonder why the US isn't doing more to stop what's happening. Whatever.

I don't know what to think. I know that I've got family (an aunt, two cousins, their husbands and children) who are trapped in Lebanon right now. I know that my uncle's best friend from childhood was killed. I know that my Tayta is watching the news constantly, calling my stepfather at the store during the day to talk to him about what she's seeing.

I get Israel's position, and I get Hezbollah's position, and I get the Christian-Lebanese position, and I get the US position. And you know, at the end of the day, people are going to keep making decisions that are about power and control, and people are going to keep dying in the service of political agendas. I think that's the long and the short of it, and I'm not sure whether anything anyone can say will make a difference in that.

Productive Procrastination

So. Here's the stuff that I really should be doing:

1. Finishing the blasted (or insert vulgarity here - I'm so frustrated with it I can't even curse properly) journal project thingumbob that I'm co-editing. I have maybe two hours of work on it, and I am totally just ignoring it. I hate the level of detail that good editing requires. (What's funny though is I hate it much less when we're talking about just looking at my own work, but still I manage to miss many, many things, because, well, I'm just a big-picture person, I guess.) I suppose it's good I've found this out. But yes, I still need to complete my end of the project.
2. Cleaning house for imminent arrival of the Mommy of Dr. Crazy. She's coming for the weekend. Yay! But I really do need to do the pre-mother-once-over of the old homestead.
3. Laundry.
4. Taking Man-Kitty for mani/pedi, as he's a little brat who will not let his Mama do such things for him in the home. Oh no, he will not.
   
5. Nit-picky revisions on article for collection. (If you're wondering why I'm avoiding this, see #1. Also, they aren't technically due until September 1.)
6. Work out. This week has been a complete lapse in the work-out regime. At a certain point, it's just too hot and humid even to drive to the gym, which is air conditioned. This is pathetic, I know.
   

But, see, I don't want to do any of those things. And I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my chair in his office so that I can talk to him about the "opportunity" I mentioned yesterday. Because, really, depending on what he's willing to do, I might not have a thing to agonize over. So rather than doing the things I need to be doing, I'm instead doing things that don't need to be done for AGES. What have I accomplished over the past two days?

• Fall syllabi are basically finished, though I'm holding off on getting them copied a) to hide from people how anal I really am and b) because whenever I get things done this early it always seems like I need to change something at the last minute, and so it makes good sense to hold off until closer to the last minute to give things a once-over.
• Updated my Real Life website.
• Devised a new way to handle certain assignments that used to be a total burden grading-wise in my writing courses. This may or may not be less time-consuming, as any time I make these innovations I'm not sure how much good it does. Nevertheless, I hold out the hope that I will ultimately devise the Most Efficient Assignments Possible and thus cut my teaching time as close to the bone as possible. [Aside: I should really do a post about managing the 4/4 load one of these days. In talking to all of my friends who don't have the 4/4 load this summer, it occurs to me that the 4/4 load has taught me to be really brutal about how much time I am willing to commit to teaching and to fit the necessary tasks into that time. Thus, I think I might actually spend less time on teaching than some of my friends with lighter teaching loads, and yet I think that in so doing my teaching is as good -or not- as it would be if I were spending oodles more time. Yes, this may need to be a post...]
• Agonized/fantasized about the "opportunity" and what exactly I'd need in order to say yes to it.
• Read blogs. Of course.
• Considered and weighed my options about what texts I would put on reserve for the classes in which I've decided not to order yet one more book. [Incidentally, to students of the world: I am doing you a favor by not requiring you to buy another book. Books are much more expensive than the $10-$15 dollars you may need to spend on printing/copying. I say may because the university does give you some free prints/copies, so really you may end by spending less than this amount. Please do not bitch on my evaluations about how I should "make copies for you." Thank you for your cooperation.]
• Obsessively listened to the Pandora. I'm addicted. [Incidentally, my favorite stations I've created so far are one based on Sleater-Kinney's song "You're No Rock and Roll Fun" and one based on the band The Magnetic Fields. I'm not sure what's better about Pandora, how it reminds me of music that I LOVE that I forget about (like how did I forget my love of Bikini Kill?) or how it introduces me to music that I'm totally into but didn't know before (like who knew I love every single song by the band Superchunk?).
  

We Interrupt the Navel-Gazing of the Previous Post....

Because we (well, I - I'm not sure why I'm using the royal We, especially as I'm not wearing my tiara) just received a call from a colleague who is the director of a program to which I am connected through a committee on which I serve. The colleague has offered me an opportunity that would guarantee me Reassigned Time (ala the title of the blog; you will notice I've been pretty quiet about the fact that the title of the blog seemed to have become obsolete) for Fall and for Spring. This would mean I'd have a 3/3 teaching load instead of a 4/4 teaching load. And I'm sure I'd get some sort of title, too.

BUT. With Reassigned Time comes Obligations, too. On the surface, these seem to be relatively small. No more, surely, than the obligations related to teaching a class. But this would not be a free ride. My instinct is that I need to think carefully about this "opportunity." I have said I'll get back to him on Monday. I don't know what I want to do.

Initial thoughts:

• If I wanted a future in administration, this would be a good thing to do. I don't at all want to be an administrator right now, though, so this plus isn't really all that enticing.
  
• I loved teaching just three courses last Spring. But if teaching three courses would mean that I had to teach 2 writing and only one lit course again I might kill myself. Am I living in a fantasy land if I wonder whether it would be possible to state that I would do this job if and only if I were guaranteed that the course that would be dropped would be a writing course?
• While this would be a good thing at my current institution, I fear that it could become a total time-suck and wouldn't do me any good in contexts outside of my current institution (i.e., the job market).

Ok, my wise readers, taking all of this into account, what would you do?

Two Years Blogging: A Retrospective

I started blogging on July 22, 2004 - not on this blog, but under this name - and it strikes me that it's about time for me to do some reflecting on this blogging thing and on what's kept me going over the past couple of years. I've done a lot - too much - blogging about using a pseudonym, so that isn't what this is about. What I want to consider is what the benefits of blogging are for me, personally but also as an academic.

On Being an Academic Blogger

We've all read about what a foolish enterprise it is for an academic person - especially an untenured academic person - to blog. Even pseudonyms don't offer a great deal of protection. Bloggers can be outed, and in fact one of the more interesting parts of the blogging phenomenon is the media's gleeful embrace of stories about the latest and greatest outed bloggers, in which the bloggers are held up for public scrutiny and villification (Look how stupid he was! He got fired from his job!) as well as praise (But now she makes her living as a blogger! She doesn't have to work at a crappy job anymore! How awesome!).

I suppose what I see, having done this for two years, is that blogging has been good for me as an academic. When I began, I didn't really know what I was doing. It just seemed like a fun experiment, a medium through which to analyze my experiences and to put them into a broader context. But I made mistakes. The voice that I developed often felt alien to me, or at the very least I couldn't sustain it without deep ambivalence, and I felt very wary of talking about my work in a substantive way. I was an academic blogger who couldn't really talk about her academic life - the good as well as the bad of it - and there were many times when I thought I might just give up blogging. But instead of doing that, I moved to Reassigned Time. I retained my persona, but I fleshed it out. I worked through a problem with my writing voice, and I stuck it out even though it wasn't exactly a "fun" thing to do. And I was entirely conscious of that and of the process that I had to go through to get to a voice that felt more comfortable, and that, I think, has been an incredibly important experience for me as an academic. Blogging has made me much more conscious of voice and tone; it has made me much more conscious of writing for an audience, even in the writing that I do for my work. Moreover, blogging more than any of my other academic pursuits, has made me trust my voice, in that clearly lots of you read me and don't think I'm an idiot, so I must have some good ideas rattling around in my head, right?

I also think that blogging as an academic, and an untenured one at that, while it may be dangerous in some ways, is ultimately a really important thing to do. Well, maybe not "really important" in the way that finding a cure for cancer would be important, but "really important" in the sense that I think it's positive to give a public voice to the concerns of people who are often advised to keep their mouths shut until such time as tenure is bestowed upon them. I think it's good for graduate students to be able to read about the experiences of those just a little further along the academic track, and I think it's good for those who've moved beyond tenure to get some kind of insight into the way that their junior colleagues think. And I think that the medium of blogging creates conversations between people of different ranks and disciplines, and that can only be a positive thing. (Though I will say that it's interesting that this happens only virtually in my experience, and that in real life I don't think I've ever spoken to a person in, say, the history department at my university. Oh wait, there is that one guy who's on a committee with me. But you see what I'm saying.)

And this brings me to the whole "blogging for community" thing. The truth of the matter is that when I began blogging this was not what I was after, or at least not in a conscious and calculated way. I like the idea of conversation, and I like the idea of getting to know people through a conversation, but to characterize that as "seeking community" seems to me a different thing altogether. I think perhaps that one of the mistakes people make as they evaluate blogs/bloggers is that they assume that people who blog don't have rich, full lives, friends, interests. At least in my experience, blogging becomes just one more thing that people who blog do, and it's not an indication that they're spending their days and nights in isolation with only a computer for connection to the outside world. That said, while I didn't get into this seeking a community, I did end up with one. It's infinitely interesting to watch how that community grows and changes. The diversity of that community is fantastic. And I feel happy to "know" the people whom I've met in the context of that community. (Ok, so this is cheesy, but I can't help it. I had to say something about you all, my readers, as without you, I totally would not still blog. I mean, hell, it takes a lot of time and effort!)

On Being a Person who Blogs

While it is true that academics are people, I make this division because I think that the benefits I see for me as a person who blogs are different from the academic benefits. Or maybe they're related, but I don't know. One thing a blog offers me personally is a record of my life over a particular span of time. It's not a journal - I keep a journal separately, thank you very much, and I don't yammer on in it about the state of higher education or about things like cleaning out my office - but it does show a lot of parts of my life that don't make their way into my actual journal. By looking at the blog alongside the journal, I think it's easier to get an approximation of what's "really" going on with me at a given time. As I look back over the past two years of blogging, I realize that with my change to the Reassigned Time address I also saw a change in how I was feeling about my life. When I started my first blog, I was in a really crazy place. I had been in my job for a year, and that first year kicked my ass. I was beginning a non-relationship with a guy who was never that into me and whom I was never particularly into, either, now that I think about it. I felt really ambivalent about everything. And I was, thus, a little nutso. But now, well, I am much more under control than I was at that time. Sure, I'm a little bit bored. I feel like I've mastered the job (not that there aren't still challenges, but I feel much more at home in the job now), I feel like the personal life I've got is mediocre but at least it's not insane, and I'm taking much better care of myself. That's not because I blog, but the blog shows me that this is true, and I think that's a good thing.

So what will the blog show in the coming year? Impossible to tell, obviously. But a few months ago I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I told her (I have no recollection of the context for this comment), "I feel like I'm changing again." I remember when I said it I felt surprised, like I'd thought I was done with the whole changing nonsense when I got out of grad school and my 20s. (Incidentally, my mom claims that the changing does slow up when you hit your late 40s, but never stops completely. Good to know. Especially as my whole life I've always hated all change - in myself, in others, whatever. Change, for me, is something I fight with my whole being until I finally reach a kind of defeated acceptance.) And I've also been feeling like whatever changing is happening in me is a kind of weird gearing up for a real change. It's sort of like how you can smell a thunderstorm in the air before it arrives - I smell a change on the horizon for me. And I don't have a real sense of what it will be. Will it be a new job? A relationship? Both? Something else? I suppose I'll have to wait and see.... And you'll all have to keep reading.

(But watch NOTHING changes, and I look at this blog post a year from now and I'm MORTIFIED. How embarassing.)

Cranky, and Yet Productive

This happens every year in the couple or 4 weeks leading up to my birthday. I fall into this crummy funk, wherein I'm bored, and yet not in the mood to do fun things, and I create all of this anxiety about all of the stuff I "should" be doing. Now, in some respects I chalk this up to normal mid-summer doldrums. You know, it's like when you're a kid and you just get sick of summer and you miss school (or maybe you all didn't, but I know I did), not because the homework is fun or anything but because you see a bunch of people every day and you (sometimes) learn cool stuff and, well, you're busy.

Well, for me, as a professor, I start feeling the same way right around this time of year. It's not that I miss the work of the school year, or the grading, or the waste-of-time meetings, but I do start to feel bored and contentious. So what have I been doing to make myself feel better?

I just finished one of my syllabi for the fall. No, I'm not kidding.

And that means I've only got one syllabus left to finish of the three that I will use. Nope, not kidding about that either.

Oh, and I should admit that part of this is also a weird procrastination thing, because I've got shit to do around the house (especially because the Mommy of Crazy is coming to visit this weekend) and I need to take the kitty-cat to get a mani/pedi and I need to work on other crap that's slightly more pressing than getting syllabi done.

But it's 1 PM and I've been working on this stupid Survey syllabus for 3 hours. I think it's time for me to call it a day and go to the pool.

Clearly, Everybody Would Like a Tiara

Or at least it seems that way from the many, many comments in praise of my tiara. Thus, I have done some checking around, and so if you were thinking, "perhaps my writing would benefit from a tiara," you might check out this website. I'm pretty sure, though, that the bathrobe is one of a kind. (Not that any of you have mentioned it. How polite you all are.)

The Pet Peeves Meme

As seen a bunch of places, and I'm going to be a lazy blogger and not do the links, which probably is a pet peeve of somebody else's, when people don't cite where they get memes from. But it was jo(e) who started this one.

1. Grammatical pet peeve. This is a very, very nit-picky one, but I really hate it when people use "I" - because they think that it's "proper" sounding - when really "me" is the grammatically correct form of the noun. Example: "Susan wanted to come shopping with Carrie and I." I is an object of a preposition people! This means it should be the objective form of the word. You know who makes this mistake all the time? Those kids on the Real World. In those dumb interviews they do that describe the action of the show. ALL THE TIME.

2. Household pet peeve. That while the Man-Kitty is really good at making demands (and messes) he refuses to help pitch in on keeping the household in working order. My mom suggests I should strap little tiny sponges to his feet and maybe he'll clean the kitchen floor, but as funny as an image as that is to me, I think it would constitute cruelty to animals. Oh, and I also hate that the house doesn't stay clean once it's cleaned so it seems like a never-ending project. That sucks. Really, when you live by yourself (well, and with a cat) it's hard to have household pet peeves because it would mean that you're peeved with yourself. I'm not into that at all.

3. Arts & Entertainment pet peeve. Hmmm. I love arts and entertainment generally, so this is difficult. No, I know! It's with The Devil Wears Prada. The movie that is, though I've also read the book, which is actually where the pet peeve(s) come from. 1) WHY did they embellish the narrative and include the sappy love plot wherein she lives with her boyfriend (or at least it seems that way) and has a one night stand with that other dude? Sure TDWP the book is chick lit, but it is unusual in the genre in that it really isn't AT ALL about finding Prince Charming. 2) Why did they take out the fact that a) Andrea/Andy the protagonist is kind of a loser and b) that the only reason she was thin enough to work at Runway is because she'd caught some crazy thing like Dysentary when she was traveling around afte graduating from College and so she is not, in fact, a "huge" size six who needs to become a four when she gets the job there but rather she is unhealthily the exact right size?

4. Liturgical pet peeve. Well. This is interesting. I'm not sure what to put here, and I don't want to put a bleeding-heart-liberal-anti-people-who-infringe-on-my-rights-trying-to-demand-that
I-conform-to-their-religious-beliefs sentiment here. Not that I don't feel that way, but I feel like it's a cliche. So then I probably should mine my Catholic roots. I suppose my liturgical pet peeve is that you have to tend Mass on all holy days of obligation (this being where the whole "obligation" thing comes in) even if one of those days happens to be the day on which you were born. Why should you have to go to church every single year on your birthday. That just doesn't seem fair. Not at all. Though it is nice to be born on a day that often coincides with many a church festival. It's like people all over the world celebrate your birthday, and that is nice. But the church thing, not so much.

5. Wild card. Well, I've got so many. What shall I choose? Oh, yes. When someone - anyone - leaves the cap off of a pen. Pens must be capped. At all times.

Bonus: Things that I do that become other people's pet peeves? Being a know-it-all sometimes, talking over the person to whom I'm talking and interrupting them, being loud, being very, very cluttered, and I'm sure any number of other things. Oh, and I swear like a sailor.

Secretarial Skills as Crucial to Professorial Success

Ok, so while I was in college/graduate school, I often fell back on the secretarial skills that my mom insisted were a good idea to have. (You know, along the lines of: whatever happens you'll always be able to get a job and make ends meet, even if you will be miserable.) I have worked as a receptionist. I have worked as a telephone operator (One of my favorite jobs, actually, being the operator in a huge office building. We were allowed to wear whatever we wanted and to do whatever we wanted as long as we answered the phones promptly when they rang and got the calls where they were supposed to go. This meant that during the summer I had that job I managed to do huge amounts of research about how to apply to graduate schools and that I read pretty much every novel by Margaret Drabble. Oh, and I had perfectly polished finger-nails. Yes, we polished our nails at work. Not a bad gig.) I worked for about nine months as a transcription typist. I've had temp gigs where the entire job was to file.

It strikes me, however, as I try to make sense of my office that these were not just "fall-back-just-in-case" skills. I'm still doing clerical work. After 10 years of higher education, after publications, after teaching, etc. I'm my own fucking secretary. I totally resent this.

Something I'm Embarrassed to Own/ A Favorite Outfit for Writing

It's true! I am finally getting around to the photo meme stuff! I decided to begin with this one because I think even you, my faithful readers, may be shocked and even a little embarassed for me that I own this. Or you might say, "Crazy, that is both embarassing and probably the craziest thing in your house," and thus it kind of fills two of the categories in which people wanted me to take pictures. And I might say in response, "Actually, it fills more than two: I am also sentimental about this item and it also makes up part of one of my favorite outfits." But, without further ado, I should show you this most embarassing item.

It's true. This, my friends, is a bathrobe that I've had since 1992. I remember the year precisely because I got it for Christmas from my step-dad and it was my first year of college, and living in the dorms, well, you need a robe. (So not only have I been wearing this thing for nearly 15 years, I began by wearing it in semi-public.) It is made of toweling sort of material, and really, it looks almost like brand new, even though it's as old as it is. You might be interested to know that I've only seen this robe in one other place outside of my possession, and that was at a thrift store about five years after I received the item as a gift. You will laugh when you hear that my first thought was not, "hmmm.... maybe this robe is hideous," but rather, "wow, why would somebody get rid of this great robe?"

But, my friends, it does not stop with owning the robe. I do, in fact, continue to wear this robe, and it in fact is the kind of icing on top of the cake that is one of my favorite outfits. This is not an outfit that I would consider "fierce" (unless we're talking about "fierce" in the sense of potentially dangerous to those who look upon it because they might die of laughter), nor is it an outfit that any outside of my most intimate circle (i.e., at the moment, my cat) would see me wearing. This outfit is my favorite writing outfit, an outfit for when I am having a hard time sitting down to write and which somehow inspires me. The first key to this outfit is that it's got to be cold. If it's summer, I turn on the air conditioning so that everything is really cold, just so that I can wear this outfit. Some parts of the outfit are negotiable. Generally, though, it includes some version of the following:

Footwear: either these L.L. Bean Slippers or these Adidas running shoes. If I wear the running shoes, I wear little athletic socks, but if I'm wearing the slippers I tend to wear wool socks.

From the waist down: either some kind of sweat pants (either the old school kind with the elastic at the ankles or yoga pants with stripes down the side of the legs) or plaid men's pajama bottoms. The choice of footwear has absolutely no bearing on the choice of the pajama bottoms or sweat pants. Also, and this is key, you must think about how this will look with the above bathrobe.

From the waist up: well, this does tend to vary more. Some favorites, though, are this t-shirt, or an ugly sweater (though only in winter, and yes, I realize it's weird to wear a sweater with a robe over it, but so be it), or a forest green sweatshirt that dates from around the same time as the robe (what was it about the early-to-mid-'90s and the color "forest green"?) that has the name of a university on it in plaid letters. Again, the choice of shirt has absolutely nothing to do with the choice of shoes or pants.

However, the most awesome part of this favorite writing outfit is the head-gear.

Normally, I don't put my hair in front of my face, but rather I use the tiara to hold the hair off of my face for better ability to see. However, the needs of a pseudonymous blog are such that I needed to disguise my identity.

But yes. I wear this tiara (which I acquired during the writing of my dissertation) when I need particular inspiration to write. I have a theory that it channels all of my brain energy and focuses it. Also, the tiara makes it uncomfortable to lie down and to take a nap - as does the footwear - in this, my favorite writing outfit, so it really does facilitate productivity. As for the layers of hideousness that comprise the rest of the outfit, well, they make it impossible to leave the house - even if only to take out the trash - for fear of being seen by, well, anybody.

So yes. The bathrobe is particularly embarassing. And with the rest of the outfit that I have described to you, perhaps even more so. But you know what's hilarious? I can blog about this precisely because it is a deep, dark secret that I have that really only people (or cats) who are very, very close to me would ever suspect. Mwahahaha!

Productivity

I have sat in my office, staring at my computer, for the past four hours. In this time, I have been working on formatting/copy-editing, things I hate, but I am (nearly) finished with the editorial duties, and I am nearly finished with my article for this special issue. (I'm finishing it tonight, as well as reading through everything once more just to make sure I'm not missing anything.)

In break-taking news, I sent emails to my dissertation director and to a mentor from grad school. I've been gearing up to send these emails for a couple of weeks. What this means is that I'm really intending to go on the job market this fall. Sure, I've known this for about a month now, but it wasn't for real until I sent these emails. And now that it is real, it means that I need to contact a few more people to make requests for letters of reference, among other things. I don't have any reason to think that any of the people I'll be contacting will reject my requests for letters/advice/etc., but I still feel so uncomfortable asking people for these things. In part I think I feel more discomfort now that I did when I was a graduate student - at least when I was a student it was these people's responsibility to do things like write letters for me and also I really didn't realize how much work it is to write a good letter for somebody, but now, well, I know how much work it is to write a good letter, and in a weird way to ask people for such things feels like a bizarre imposition on professional friendship. I know it's not, and that this is the way that the game is played, but I still feel like I'm imposing on people when I make such requests.

So. I accomplished many professional things today, and the day is not over yet. And I'm going to start posting the photo-meme posts on Monday, and I'll spread them out over a week or two, I think. And I've also been thinking a lot about my syllabi for the fall and updating them. Why I can't just fucking relax, at least until August, I'm not entirely sure. The thing I'm telling myself, though, is that by getting all of this stuff done in the next two weeks it will mean that I can relax during the first two weeks in August in celebration of my birthday.

In Man-Kitty news, all work and no play is totally not his scene, and he's totally not into the fact that I've been ignoring him.



"Dude," says the Man-Kitty, "can't you see how awesome I am? Don't you realize that hanging out with me is infinitely more fun than this 'work' nonsense you keep yammering on about?"

A Hodgepodge of Things

Don't worry - I'm not reverting to the list-y, insubstantial posts of the first part of the summer. Well, I am, but only for today. Why can I not do a real post today? Well, I've got a lot going on - work-related, social, as well as plans for posts that are in the works.

First of all, I've not abandoned the Photo Meme project. In fact, I'm hard at work on it, and I've decided that I'm going to create posts that go with individual and/or groups of photos because to me it seems like that would be much more interesting than just putting up a bunch of pictures. (This is probably because I'm not a particularly visual person, as well. To me, a picture is not equal to a thousand words, no, not at all.)

Second, I've had a post about rejection percolating for months, and I think now might be the time to do it, but it's going to take some effort. Also, I've been spending lots of time thinking about how I'm going to commemorate my Anniversary as a Blogger (which isn't really this blog's anniversary, since I switched spaces, but still, I feel like this is a good time for a year in review as I began blogging on July 22, 2004), which will also double as my Birthday-Self-Evaluation-post, as that's upcoming a couple of weeks after the blog anniversary.

As far as non-blog-related things, I'm hard at work on the following:

1. House-cleaning. I spent approximately 2-and-a-half hours cleaning my bathroom from top to bottom yesterday. (It was filthy, but I also think I went a little OCD on the thing. I mean, scrubbing the whole place down with bleach and then scrubbing it again to make sure it's clean with other products? That's kind of insane. The place is SPARKLING now, though.) On today's agenda is the living room and dining room. I've also been weeding out MOUNTAINS of paper, which is an ongoing process. And then this weekend I shall tackle my filthy kitchen.
   
2. Finishing touches on the mini-journal project. Finishing touches which I MUST have done by Monday. There isn't terribly much to do, but it is tedious work. I guess that's what I'll do on Saturday.
3. Reading my diss/book manuscript from beginning to end, making notes, changing chapter titles, and deciding which couple of chapters would best represent the project in terms of book proposal stuff. Because I'm turning that piece of crap into a book if it kills me, and now is the time to do it. So I feel like I need to read the manuscript by Wednesday, and then I can make a schedule about the other things I need to do. My aim is to have the thing turned into a book proposal to send out by mid- to late-September.
4. The awesome (not) task of updating my PRT Book (as in, the notebook I must turn in yearly for reappointment/tenure/promotion). No third year reviews for this establishment - I'm reviewed every damned year. I think this is actually kind of positive, but I also think it's a big pain in my ass. Tasks related to this include things like updating my CV, writing all of these self-analysis-type letter things to explain the contents of the book, and putting "documentation" in plastic sleeves - but only after highlighting stuff to make it easy to see what's important! The whole thing is a thorn in my side. Especially since we're limited to one binder but at the same time they want us to show "everything" we do. If I don't find a way to edit, I'm going to be S-C-R-E-W-E-D. I'm only just finished with my third year and I already am on the second to biggest binder that you can buy (at least as far as I'm aware).
   
5. Diet and exercise. Annoying, but throughout my travels I'd put back on about half of the weight I'd lost in the spring, and even in terms of the weight I'd lost in the spring, I hadn't reached my goal weight because I crapped out after the 10-week point. At any rate, things are going well with that.
6. I sent out a call for papers for a panel that I'm trying to put together for a conference. I think it's a cool idea, the idea for the panel, and I hope that I get some responses that are cool. Otherwise? I may just nix the whole "organizing my own panel" idea and submit an individual paper proposal. The coolest thing about the call for papers is that it's gotten me back in touch with a friend from my Master's program with whom I've not been in touch for like 9 years.
   
7. Preparation for job market. As of right now, this mainly includes agonizing about how to ask people for letters. And calculating who will be best to write letters. And then agonizing about that. And then coming up with a B-list in case anybody refuses to write me a recommendation. Oh, and then I throw in - just for variety, you know - a little bit of agonizing about the job materials, as I don't really know how to go on the market as a non-new person. I mean, clearly my cover letter, for example, will be slightly different. As will some of the other things. I'm just not entirely sure HOW. (To be honest, I'm not really that stressed about going on the market. I mean, the agonizing is just my process for this sort of thing, but really the market right now is not something I'm dreading or something that is terribly upsetting to me. You know why? The worst that can happen is nobody wants me. And I'm in the job I'm in. That's really not so bad, you know? Except for the teaching load. That is totally shitty, and there is no way to dress that up as anything but shitty, especially given the amount of research/service I do.)

So yeah. That's everything that's going on with me. Oh, and tonight a good friend of mine and I are going to dinner because she's in town on business. Very much looking forward to this dinner, and in preparation I am now off to the gym so that I can feel ok about eating, say, mashed potatoes.

Ok, So I'm Not Really Lazy

I suppose that this will be another post about the identity stuff that has been rolling around in my head lately, although I hadn't anticipated going into this territory today. I suppose it's because I just checked off the one thing I really wanted to accomplish (aside from the thing I can't accomplish that I mentioned in the previous post), which was to update my cv. I'm pretty good about keeping the CV updated with the big stuff - you know, publications, conference presentations, etc. - throughout the year, but nevertheless, I do need to sit down with the CV at least once a year to update all of the other crap that I do that I don't tend to think very much about. You know, the small, little things like serving on committees, or helping to organize an advising meeting for majors, or judging a contest.

So, I updated my cv, and it occurs to me that I'm totally not a lazy person. I'm a very, very busy person who accomplishes a great many things. And then this got me to thinking about the fact that I do tend to present myself as kind of a slacker most of the time (although not all of the time, because I think on the blog sometimes I present myself as having the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I don't tend to do this in life), and to wondering about why that is, and then to wondering about whether I really believe I'm a slacker, or whether this is all a clever ruse to try to dazzle and confuse those who would look too carefully at all of the things that I'm actually accomplishing.

Ok, I just deleted two entire paragraphs because what I was trying to say wasn't coming out at all. And so now I'm trying again. I think the thing is that in order to be successful in this profession, a certain amount of self-promotion (and self-absorption) is key. The people whom I most admire and who have achieved the most in this profession tend to talk themselves up - not down. Every time I see one of my mentors, she never fails to mention what she's working on, what most recently appeared in print, what her plans for her next project are. I've been actually trying to work on performing in this way, but I (for whatever reason) find it really difficult to sustain. For whatever reason, it feels more natural to me to downplay what I'm doing or accomplishing or planning, to act like it's no big deal and really not worthy of attention. This is not smart. This is, in fact, quite stupid. So what's the deal? Why is it that I have such a hard time with this part of things?

It isn't (at least I don't think) a problem with confidence. I'm actually quite self-confident, and I tend to have a high (perhaps too much so in fact) opinion of myself. The problem is not with me on the inside (it seems to me) but rather a problem with how I translate what's going on inside to the world outside. I don't want to appear a) big-headed (although I do literally have quite a large head), b) entirely self-involved, c) like a snotty person who thinks - in the words of my working-class family - "her shit don't stink." And so I think I try to avoid those pitfalls by talking myself down - oh, I'm not accomplishing anything, oh, I'm lazy, oh, I'm such a bad professor. But all the while what I'm really doing is talking about all of what I am doing - just not in a positive way.

So what does all of this have to do with identity in this profession, you ask? Well, I think that it has to do with one's identity because I think that many aspects of this profession are designed to make you feel like you can never accomplish enough, that you can never produce enough. And so if you fall into the trap that I fall into - and you talk yourself down constantly, or at the very least talk about what a huge amount you need to do that you're not doing or that you don't have time to do - I'm thinking that this will have to at some point have an impact on how you ACTUALLY see yourself as a scholar - or at the very least on how other people regard you, which is, perhaps, more important, at least in terms of professional success.

But then, isn't this version just the flip side of the positive self-promotion performance? It occurs to me that there is no model for talking about oneself in a moderate way in this profession, and so perhaps that's why it can be so difficult to have a moderate life for so many academics. There is no discourse for talking about work in a measured, balanced, non-crazy way. Either you're a crazy self-promoting narcissist, or you're a crazy self-loathing narcissist, right? There's no language for saying, "well, I accomplished a few things today and then I frolicked in the sunshine and then I had a nice dinner and took a hot bath," because if you talk like that, if you're not obsessed with the job, then you're not to be taken seriously.

I guess the thing is, I wish that I could talk about what I do professionally in a more moderate way without feeling like it's not permitted or like I won't be taken seriously if I do. I also wish I could be more comfortable with talking positively about my accomplishments instead of fearing that I'll be perceived as a jackass for being proud of myself.

Lazy Crazy

Ok, so I'm in my office. And I have a list a mile long of things to accomplish. On this list, I have accomplished exactly one task. This took me one hour and 36 minutes, because while accomplishing it, I also looked at blogs and futzed around and wasted time. Now, the thing that a productive and sensible person would do would be to move on to another item on the list. But I don't wanna.

1. I am annoyed that I cannot actually accomplish one of the things on my list (the main thing that I wanted to accomplish) because there is a snag that means I need to wait to hear from somebody before I can complete what I need to complete. This isn't that big of a deal, just annoying.

2. None of the items on my list are in any way appealing. While it is true that I would be happy to have accomplished the items on my list, I will not be happy while accomplishing them.

[All right, so I did just check off one of the things on my list. It only took 5 minutes. All other items on the list will take much more time than that.]

3. Eating lunch is not on my list, but I think I might enjoy doing that even though it's kind of early and it could technically be labeled as procrastination.

Why am I so lazy? Why is it so hard to get things done? Why do I have to work myself up into this kind of a tizzy in order to make myself do even the simplest tasks? Why do I think that writing about it is anything other than total and utter procrastination?

Ok, I'm going to go and check at least one more item off of the list. Then, I may allow myself to do a more substantive blog post. Or I may just say fuck it and do something that does not involve my brain (like basking in sunshine, eating, or napping).

Photo Meme - Requests anybody?

As seen in a bunch of places, are there things that you'd like me to take pictures of and post on the blog? If so, request away. If not, well, that's fine, too. Because I understand if you don't want to see things in my life. And I feel kind of weird assuming that you would. But whatever. Request or don't. Whatever you choose.

If I Weren't So Pleased with Myself, and If I Had No Sense of Humor...

I might actually cry or at the very least be very upset with myself.

I just received notice that I have been chosen for the roster of speakers for a statewide organization. (Yay!) In other words, I will be paid (albeit a small sum) in order to "go out into the community" and to talk about something related to my field of expertise to community groups, etc. This is a GREAT gig, as all other civic engagement things (in which my university demands that faculty participate) seem to involve service learning and other MUCH more time-consuming pursuits, none of which have to do with anything I'm even close to expert in. And you don't even get a nominal fee for your "services," which, I'm sorry, annoys me, as it's not "service" that I'm doing out of the goodness of my heart but rather WORK that I'm doing in order to excel at my JOB and so I think I should be PAID. But I digress.

The point here is this is fantastic, right? I should be happy, right?

Well, I am. It's just I don't remember exactly what these talks (which are supposed to be 45 minutes in length, and I had to propose two) that I claimed I could give are supposed to be about. I can't find my copy of the form I had to submit to apply for this thing, and thus I am almost totally clueless. This could pose a problem, should I be invited to speak.

So Much to Write About, and Yet Rusty, So Not Sure How to Write Any of It

Well, I've been an erratic (at best) blogger this summer, and in part that has been because of my travels and in part that has been because of just being busy with other things and, well, I don't know. I think perhaps that I needed some time away from blogging in order to think about things and gather ideas to blog about, etc. And, hell, who am I kidding, my time that I usually devote to blogging has been spent lying in the sun and reading trashy books.

At any rate, now I'm feeling the itch to blog, but I'm not entirely sure how to scratch it, if you know what I mean. I've kind of fallen out of the voice that I use for the blog, and I've fallen out of the habit of crafting particular posts with readers in mind. And so here I am, bursting with things to tell you all, and yet I'm not sure how to get any of it from my brain and into writing. I know I can always fall back on the list method of posting, but, well, I've been doing a lot of that since summer began and it feels kind of lame and lazy to me right now. Also, well, I suppose I've got things to say that don't really fit into a list-y format. So, in no particular order, here are the things that are on my mind and what I've been doing, etc.

Work-Related

You might think that with my traveling and my lounging poolside that I don't have work-related things going on with me. Or that if I do they are not particularly pressing things. For the most part, I don't have much pressing on the table at the moment (except for the special issue of the journal thing that i'm responsible for that basically I'm going to force myself to do in a 48-hour period when the weekend is over, because apparently I just need to make a push and get the thing done), but I suppose I have a number of things that have been weighing on my mind related to work. First and foremost, in August it will be 3 years since I defended my disseration, and I've already done some revising of it but never gotten around to much else, and so fuck it, I've decided, I'm turning the thing into a book proposal, I'm polishing a couple of chapters, and I'm starting to shop the bastard. I mean, really. Now's the time, right? If I don't do it now, the whole thing will be out of date and basically useless. I really believe that it SHOULD be a book and that it would add to the field (blah blah blah), so I've got to just force myself to get my shit together and to get it out there. I realize that this may sound somewhat rash as a course of action, but well, worst that will happen is I'll be rejected, and even that would be better than letting the thing continue to gather dust. At least then I'd have confirmation that the manuscript is kind of a piece of crap, right? (By the way, I feel a sense of purpose and resolve related to this with a simultaneous feeling of fear and hopelessness. What's that all about?) The other big work-thing (and also something that I think relates to the fire that seems to have been lit under my ass re: the book thing) is that I'm pretty serious about going on the market this year. This is entirely daunting, as 1) I'm going to need to ask some people for letters that will require delicate handling, 2) I don't feel entirely "worthy" to go on the market because a) I'm not totally miserable b) I'm not trying to live nearer to a partner (which seems to be the only "personal" reason that the books, people in the profession, etc. don't question), and c) I'm entirely afraid that the result will be something along the lines of, "Dr. Crazy, who do you think you are trying to gain employment at a place better than your current place because really you're just not good enough." That said, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy have never stopped me from doing anything before, and thus, I need to get to work on job-search-related things.

Personal

Well, to be completely honest, I've been a bit of a recluse this last week or so. Partly, I've just needed time to myself after all of my travels, and partly, I'm trying to get back on track with just my life - things like cooking decent meals, eating at regular times, working out, sleeping on a nice schedule in which I get enough - if not more than enough - sleep. All of that takes a lot of time/energy, and I just haven't felt like dealing with people while trying to deal with all of that. This may, however, be making me somewhat crazy, and so I plan to venture out into the world and to interact with people in the coming days. Funnily enough, while I know that this is a good thing, I'm not looking forward to it. Oh, and the Man-Kitty thrives. I have some new pics of him, as well as pics of my various trips, so I should probably post those, huh? I think my camera is still packed somewhere....

Pop Culture
Ok, this portion of the post is going to be list-y, as, well, I don't have any deep thoughts about the pop culture things that are on my mind.

1. I really enjoy that new Nelly Furtado CD.
2. Does anybody else feel like the Pussycat Dolls are like the Spice Girls without the Girl Power? And does that depress anybody else but me? I mean, sure, the Spice Girls weren't exactly singing "I am woman hear me roar," but isn't a lyric like, "If you wanna be my lover/you gotta get wit' my friends" better than a lyric like, "And now, ain't nothing else I could need/ And now, I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me/ I got you, we'll be making love endlessly/ I'm with you (baby I'm with you)"? I think so.
3. Ok, that song, by The Fray? That "in over my head" song? A.) It's really catchy B.) Does the video remind anybody else of XTC's video for "Dear God"? I watched the video for a couple of weeks and I kept felt like I'd seen it before, and I think that's because it's the same as that XTC video (or very similar). And if that's true, have we really reached the point where videos are just remakes of other videos? (The answer to this is probably yes, as the new artist Cassie has a video for her song "me and u" (a song I've got to admit I love) is pretty much Janet Jackson's "Pleasure Principle" video.) And what ever happened to MTV designating certain videos as "buzzworthy"? And why is that horrible Matt Pinhead - oh, I'm sorry, Pinfield - now on VH1? Why didn't they just retire that dude outright?

Ok, I think that's all of my pop-culture related stuff. Anything else? Well, not really. I'm trying to weed all of the paper out in my house and to re-organize (for the umpteenth time) my study. My mom's coming to visit in two weeks, I'm late on getting my travel voucher in to be reimbursed for my trip and I'm pissed because it's not my fault I'm late getting it in (or at least not entirely my fault), I'm successfully through 6 days in phase 1 of the south beach diet (yes, I returned to phase one) and I'm feeling really energetic and good re: that but will be happy when I'm done with the de-toxing aspects of phase 1, for I miss things like brown rice (how sad), and I think that's all. Oh, and I'm thinking about starting another blog that just relates to job-searching things. Not sure. Basically, I'm not sure that I want to junk up this blogspace with that nonsense, but I don't know. Must think on it some more. Now it's time to print out my manuscript and to begin organizing a schedule for whipping the thing into shape and into a book proposal.

Random Things on My Mind

• Why is it that some grown women - particularly (at least from my observations in various airports and shopping districts around the country) women who aren't, shall we say, petite (and I would put myself into that category, because I'm not petite at all) - think that dressing like a five year old will make them appear "feminine"? Please, ladies, if you are over the age of 15 and over a size zero, do not wear any of the following: a) gingham sundresses with big flower appliques on the pocket; b) sweat-suits in a color of cotton-candy pink with matching tops and bottoms; c) clothing featuring cartoon characters (unless you are a kindergarten teacher and are ACTUALLY TEACHING the kindergarteners). I realize that I may sound harsh, but I really think I'm doing a public service on this one.
• What is it about bodies of water, whether man-made (as in swimming pools) or natural (lakes, rivers, oceans) that make otherwise reasonable people think it makes sense to make out in front of others? Ok, so if you're Paris Hilton on a beach in the Seychelles islands it's probably quite romantic. But if you are in the swimming pool at your (and my) apartment complex? With kids playing Marco Polo and fat ladies chain-smoking and reading bodice-rippers? Not so much. I don't get it. What is it about the water that makes people lose the PDA inhibitions?
• Why is it that when I'm eating right and working out (as I am again), which gives me more energy, which should be a good thing, I get angry because I want to be lazy and my body won't cooperate?
• Why is it that I always spend exactly as much money as I make or more, even though I should in theory make enough money to save money?

I suppose that's all for today. I'm really enjoying being back HOME, though it was nice to see friends, relatives, other countries, other cities, etc. I do wish the sunshine would come out, though. I mean, really. I've got to get back to work on my tan.

Wow. Just wow. (A Stalking Story)

Ok, so Medusa's in the shower, and I was playing around on the internet, just googling random stuff. And I decided (for god knows what reason) to google this guy's name... this guy whom I dated in 1998 and haven't laid eyes on since 1999. This guy, well, he's kind of my one true love, except that I don't really believe in that.

This is not the first time I've googled him, but I've never been able to come up with any current information.

Until today.

All of a sudden, here he is, right there on the internet for me to see.

I bet he's still going out with that horrible girl I dumped him because of. Even though, of course, things were "kind of rocky" when last I saw him in 1999. I bet they're married. God, I hate the fact that in this age of technology it's possible to stalk people from afar. Most often you can just access enough information to tantalize and never is it the information that you really would like. It's not healthy.

Not Sure What to Write

Mainly because I'm in this weird shifting-gears mood related to the fact that I've been living out of a suitcase since the beginning of the month. One of the things about me is that I'm generally a pretty light-hearted, jovial sort of a person, but that I also have a very serious side, and this is the side that makes people ask me if something is desperately wrong with me if I'm not laughing and gregarious and whatever. I think this serious side comes out especially if I'm feeling sort of like I need alone time or like I haven't been taking care of the serious side enough - whether because I'm doing fun things (as I have been all this month) or because I'm overwhelmed by work things (as can happen during the academic year). I find myself fantasizing about the following:

a. Just lazing about with the Man-Kitty.
b. Spring-cleaning my house (and yes, I'm fully aware that spring has come and gone) and painting one of the rooms maybe.
c. Finally buckling down, polishing the manuscript, and getting my book proposal together.
d. Getting going on job market stuff so as to really make a real run at it this year.

I've also been wondering whether that article slated to come out this summer is out yet. Hmmm.... maybe I'll google myself. Yes, doesn't seem to be out yet. Annoying. Very much looking forward to that.

I also wonder when they're going to decide whether I'm teaching on MONDAY (yes, that's right, I could well be teaching come Monday. I don't even know if I wrote the syllabus, though I've convinced myself I did) or whether the class is axed. At this point? Even though I could use the money? I'm hoping for axed. Edited to Add: It is Cancelled! Yippee! Apparently they tried to contact me to tell me by leaving me a message on my answering machine at home on Friday. Did they not realize that I am a globe-trotter? Did they not realize that even if the class had made its enrollment that I had no intention of returning there until the day before it began? Did they not realize that I don't know how to check my answering machine when away from home and so really email is the only reliable way to get in touch with me? Probably not. Most of my colleagues do not have the freedom to leave their homes for a full month to hang out in other locations, as they have families and own homes and things. This either makes me very footloose and fancy free or it means that I am adrift and alone and without a real life. It also means, however, that I don't NEED the summer teaching to stay afloat financially, and it means that since I don't NEED the teaching, that I will be able to spend the month of July working on research and lying by the pool. Who cares if that credit card won't get paid off, really, when we put it into that kind of perspective?

Ok, well, it is my last day/night at Casa Medusa, and so I shouldn't spend all of my time blogging. As she's asleep, though, I feel as if this was a good use of my time.

Ok, So We Forgot about Happy Hour....

But we are having a bit of a.... discussion.... over at Dr. Medusa's place. We've come up with some talking points, so if anybody wants to stop on by, I think that would be a good time. Oh, and we've also developed a "phase 4" for the south beach diet, which, while not endorsed by Dr. Agatston, does seem to us the logical conclusion of all of the cooking, eating of fresh and healthy ingredients, etc., that he advises.

Visiting Medusa, Day 4

Well, you will all be happy to hear that Medusa and I did spend our day somewhat sensibly yesterday, though perhaps our food choices were not entirely wise, and perhaps we should have done something other than forage for food, nap, and watch television. I'm here today and tomorrow, and then Wednesday I return to my kitty-cat (whom I miss DREADFULLY, even though that's quite silly) and my parents' house, and then, FINALLY, I return home to where I actually live. While this month of travels has been good, I'm also (I suppose reasonably) ready for it to be over.

That said, this visit to Medusa has been really great. I hadn't seen her for about a year, and the last time was kind of lame because it was at a conference and not a real visit. It's also been kind of weird being back in Grad School City for the first time in a couple of years.... In going to our old haunts, etc., it's strange to see how a new generation has replaced my generation of people, and it's strange to see how this place has become so firmly a part of my past and isn't at all my present anymore. I suppose that's what happens when you grow up and move away from a place, but I don't know.... there's something about my hometown that stays stuck in one gear and so that place always feels like "home" or like I could just drop right back in and pick up where I left off. Grad School City is different - because it's bigger? because it's not my home and never was? I don't know.

So. Two days, and then it's back to fetch my kitty and my car and my things, and then it's back to my "real life" once again. And it's back to a lot of work that is waiting for me (scowling, if work can scowl) and to the (somewhat daunting) task of asking people for letters for going on the market and the (entirely unpleasant) task of drafting my own job letter and who knows what else. It's going to be a busy rest of the summer....

Wide Awake and It's Morning

Well, technically it's afternoon, but I am wide awake, and I'm feeling quite chipper, except for the fact that I have some sort of hip injury that comes from a.) something I can't recall or b.) sleeping on Futon (An American Tragedy). At any rate, I didn't recall posting my poorly spelled missive of last night.... and thus I was quite surprised to see it when I looked at my blog this morning. It is interesting to me that I decided I loved and missed G. in my state of last evening - also interesting that I couldn't spell "hiccups," though I did try to sound it out. Medusa and I attempted to reconstruct last night, and I believe our antics can be traced directly back to sangria and champagne (though not really champagne, as it was from Spain). I had quite the soul-searching conversation with that English boy I mentioned, who right about now should be at some lame bar watching England play Ecuador (Is that spelled right? I'm not sure) in the world cup. Or maybe that's over? I don't really know how long soccer matches take....

Medusa is busy with the self-loathing, and i'm trying to make her stop with that. It's not good for a person. This afternoon we're going to go hang out with our friend with a baby, and then who knows what will happen next. I feel like we should stay home and behave like responsible adults today, though the likelihood of that is probably small.

All is Pain

A. Dr.Medusa has clearly made something happen with somebody while I have the hick ups.

B, I megt some Englishh Bohy who clearly was not ointo it.,

C. I hate Hickups.

D. I miss my sweett love G.

E. Whhy is this mhy fate?

xo
Dr. Crazy

Almost Time to Go Out Again!

Well, I know you all were waiting excitedly for pictures, but I couldn't figure out how to post pics from Medusa's computer, so this will have to wait for later/another day/? The pictures are quite glorious, however, and I suspect we will take even more this evening. At any rate, and as the title indicates, it is nearly time to go out yet again, and I cannot believe that this is the case. After I posted this morning, I had to return to bed because I couldn't face the day. Then Medusa and I rose at approximately 1:30 PM, realizing that we needed to call a bunch of people, go to the store to buy incredients for cupcakes, eat something, make the cupcakes, and get ready for Medusa's birthday celebration, for which people are meeting at 6-ish. Yep, that's right, like 15 minutes from now. Medusa is drying her hair. I am done with the primping, but I should go frost the cupcakes. I have decided to wear flat shoes even though they are not as flattering as heels because I feel like I might be a danger to myself in high-heeled shoes. Ok, enough. I should go and frost away.

In Which I Wonder Whether It's Normal For Forehead To Throb As If It Was Slammed Repeatedly into Concrete

Wowza. Head hurts very bad. Medusa and I were out very late indeed. There was wine. And then there was whiskey. And then I believe there was beer. And there was a party.... and somebody put me to bed (to couch?) at the party because I had put my head down on the kitchen table to have a little rest, and apparently when you're in a house full of strangers it's not kosher to have a little rest at the table. Apparently. You will be happy to hear that Medusa and I did have the presence of mind to take some (non-identifying) photographs last evening, and so when she returns to consciousness we'll be posting those, I suspect. You know what I wish? I wish Dunkin Donuts made deliveries.

From the Road

Howdy, all! Well, I've arrived in Grad School City and I'm writing from Dr. Medusa's tower and the thunder is beginning to rumble outside. At any rate, I'm very excited for this long weekend, and I suspect that Med and I will post periodically to tell of our adventures. We're also considering doing a happy hour.... maybe Monday? Not sure. At any rate, as I'll be here until Wednesday, I will not post for a bit about my ruminations re: identity, academia, the state of the profession, the market, etc. But those issues aren't off the table, they're just tabled for the moment :) Thus, until I return to them, thanks all for your comments on the last post - whether supportive, in commiseration, or somewhere in between. It helps.

Ok, I think I need to go find a cocktail or something.... Or read up on Cat Astrology (Med bought me a book about it in the checkout line of the grocery store! What did I do to deserve such an awesome friend????)

Musings on Academic Identity....

One's academic identity is a strange thing. It's linked in many respects to one's "real life" identity, but it is also this weird fragmented thing all its own, which mutates and and morphs based on the company one keeps - am I with grad student friends? friends from conferences? and which conferences are we talking about here? current colleagues at the institution at which I work? students? former students? and I suppose even virtual friends in the blogosphere (for surely "Dr. Crazy" is, in fact, one of my academic identities...)? I suppose I'm thinking about all of this in part because I've just returned from a conference that only happens every other year. Some of the people whom I know through this conference I see at other events or I might run into at MLA, but for the most part, it's only every other year that I see them, and thus it shines a light on the ways in which my academic identity moves and changes. Also, this conference tends to attract a academics who work at certain kinds of institutions that tend not to resemble my current institution but rather my grad school institution. When I began attending as a grad student, I felt like an outsider because I was a grad student, but still I think I felt a certain sense of belonging because of my institutional affiliation. Now, I feel like an outsider in some ways because of my institution - and because of my generational status in this field, and because of my sex, because even if literary studies tends to be feminized, whoa nelly is this particular sub-area stuck in a sexist past in at least some respects and related to at least some individuals - but I also feel a certain sense of greater belonging because I am now an actual colleague and I now have actual "friends" when I attend this thing - I'm no longer a novice. Incidentally, the return is still all fucked up - I don't know why - so this will be a big long paragraph and I'll have to fix it when I get to a decent computer that is not my mother's ancient machine that connects to the internets with the dial-up. But to continue. I suppose one reason that I'm thinking about all of this is that I've been seriously considering going on the market this year (i.e., I've decided that I will do this and I'm strategizing about how to do this both discreetly and yet with the blessing of certain key people in my department) and as I consider this, I know that I am a different person now from the person who went on the market in 2002. I've grown up as an academic in many ways, but also, well, I wonder how to characterize myself in light of how I've grown up. And I wonder whether any of it makes a difference anyway, given the state of the market and the state of the profession. I know I've done good work as a scholar in the past three years, but can that override the fact that I'm in a teaching institution with a 4/4 load? Do I want it to? I'm basically happy in my current position, so should I stop whining and be happy with what I've got? Is the fact that I feel like my current location is a dating wasteland really reason enough to consider leaving (and this, more than anything, is the main thing that is motivating me)? Do I really want to start over someplace new? Even if it might end up being worse? I'll be writing more about this in the coming weeks, but these are my initial thoughts/questions/ramblings. And it's all related to this identity thing - who I see myself as right now and who I see myself becoming. The bottom line is that in my current position, I kind of see myself becoming a burnt out teacher, a mediocre scholar, and a lonely spinster. Not immediately, but within the next 15 years. And that's just not who I want to become. But maybe what I'm seeing as a certain future is really more about fear than about reality, and so I suppose I want to blog about these things to think them through. I will say this, however. When I got my job, my dissertation director said to me, "This sounds like a good first job." At the time, I thought he was being insulting. Now? Well, I think I might agree with him. Since I pretty much need to construct him as my antagonist at all times - the mean daddy who is always wrong and who doesn't appreciate me - well, the fact that I think he might have been right and not being a jerk to me kind of kills me :)

Back Stateside, Recovering

This will be a sort of listy scattered post, as I'm still kind of a mess after the symposium. Why, you ask? Well, put together a) very little sleep, b) a miserable head-cold, c) jet lag, and d) conversations that veer wildly between the professional, the personal, and the just plain random, and, well, you'd be a bit of a mess as well. Something funky is going on and the return
key isn't working, and so I will have to just post this in stream-of-consciousness style. Or maybe it is working and it just isn't registering on the screen... whatever the case, I shall ramble about my trip. 1) All conference everything was late, and LOTS of papers ran long. Everyone kept complaining about the conference paper format, the fact that people went on too long, etc., but if everybody agrees that this sucks, why is it this way? A question for the ages. 2) My paper went fine - very small audience as I was up against the Famous People, and that was fine by me as I wasn't particularly into my paper, anyway. 3) I met a great many people this time around (it's the 4th time I've been to this conference, and it's so much better when it's small) and saw many old friends and made new ones. 4) Wednesday night I ended up playing a drinking game in some bar with an English Rugby team of 18-21-year-old boys. They were darling. My friend ended up trading socks with someone in some after hours place where people's bags got stolen. We all ended up going home when the rest of the world was going to work. That was the craziest night. 6) Ummm.... I'm not sure what else. At any rate, though, I started getting sick on Wednesday and just totally ignored it, which was not smart, and so my flight home was miserable. My bag, however, was not lost on the return, and my cold is dissipating, and I hope I'll be back to my happy self by Friday, when I fly to Grad School City to celebrate Grad School Friend's birthday. I think my summer class is not going to make it's enrollment, and this makes me kind of happy. That said, I kind of can't wait to go home to my own bed with my little kitty cat, who missed me during my journey, but who really loves staying with his grandparents. I guess that's it for now. I have to go catch up on my blog reading!

Hunky-Dory? Well, kinda....

I'm not sure if I spelled "hunky-dory" right, but I couldn't resist the whole play on "Hunky" thing, as, well, being of Hungarian descent, I must take advantage of being able to use such a term. At any rate, I have arrived in Hungary safely on Thursday. My luggage has yet to arrive, though the hotel people seem hopeful that it might come today. Apparently, this is a normal problem when traveling to Budapest. FYI, I had only one bag, only one connecting flight, which was in the states, and my connecting flight arrived two full hours before the direct flight to Europe was to take off. Friends, I do believe that this is total bullshit. I'm not sure if it's my destination or Delta that's to blame, but thank god I'm paranoid and I packed clean undies, all my toiletries, and an extra shirt in my carry-on. Also, thank god that all the stores take visa, as I've been busy shopping during the past two days.

In other news, I had a kind of dramatic series of experiences at St. Istvan's yesterday, which I've diarized about and which I will post about on my return home.

Nothing else to report, though I'm exicted for the Symposium to begin. Oh, and I'm LOVING the food. Pork fried in breadcrumbs? Yummmmmmmmyyyyyy.

The above is why I will never be truly thin.

Perhaps more once before I leave - perhaps not. I must now away to the opening of the symposium! Yippee!

Well, See, I Have This Blog...

[Before I get into the meat of this post, I want you all to congratulate me on the fact that I spent the day doing laundry and writing my paper for the conference (pedestrian though all of the ideas therein are - which, of course, I only realize now that the paper is 90% of the way completed) and beginning packing for my travels. I also booked my flight to visit my grad school friend. I am very productive.]

Since I began blogging what is now lo almost 2 years ago, I have kept this activity very quiet. Only one person in my real life actually reads my blog and really knows about it. I've mentioned the fact that I blog to a few other people, and they just really aren't the type to be interested, and so that's where the discussion of my blogging began and ended with them. As a blogger, I'm pretty much in the closet.

I don't have any particular reason for keeping things this way. When I began blogging I was somewhat paranoid about people (i.e., colleagues) finding out about my blog, but that really isn't the case anymore. Now, I think I just keep things quiet out of habit. Yes, I still have a pseudonym, but I'm pretty free in revealing my identity to those who are curious enough to ask, and I know that some of you have deduced my identity by other means. This is fine with me.

So I've done something now that is... novel. I've told a person - a real person - about my blog.

Except this person isn't really a real person in some ways. Well, he's real - he's not imaginary - but this person... let's call him... J. ... well, I met him right before I began this job, and really we've only physically been in the same place like three times, but somehow we have become pen-pal type friends. And I got in touch with him a few days ago (because in the summer I like to email boys randomly) after not having heard from him in a while (like months) to learn that he quit his job to travel for the past few months and he directed me to his travel blog, and I mentioned that I have a blog, and he asked me for the url so that he can check it out.

Huh.

And I hesitate to give him the URL.

Why? What does it matter, really? How is it that the most public writing I do in this context makes me feel weird and shy?

Note: I do not know J. in a work-related context, so this is not why I hesitate. In fact, we have absolutely nothing in common except each other, so telling him about the blog - and letting him see it - is ultimately a really low-risk move.

And yet I hesitate.

I think I'm just chicken. What if this person thinks my blog is lame? What if my blog is lame? I mean, I know that you all don't think it is (I'm not fishing for compliments), but what if this real-life person who isn't exactly part of my real life thinks that I'm a big loser?

This is ridiculous. Enough with the wishy-washiness. Enough with the insecurity. It's time that J. learns about my secret "Dr. Crazy" identity. I certainly hope that I don't regret this decision.

Summer's Here - And Where Has Dr. Crazy Been?

Ok, so before I get to the why of it all (for there is a why of it, and it's a lame why) here's what I've been doing:

1. Counseling friends about their love-lives. (An activity that I enjoy, even though clearly I am no expert in this area so all friends should be very suspicious of all advice that is dispensed.)
2. Counseling my mom about the job that she hates. (Something I've been doing since I was like 10? She always hates her jobs.)
3. Writing in my journal, having deep introspective thoughts about the state of my soul, etc. This is a lot more fun than it sounds.
4. Laying out. Yep, you've got it: I've been lying beneath the rays of the hot sun so as to roast myself like a rotisserie chicken and to turn a nice golden brown color. I have almost, after approximately 5 straight days dedicated to lying poolside, achieved "Tannest Woman Alive" (for me, which isn't really all that tan, as I'm not olive-skinned) status.
5. Reading books about Eastern European country that I'm visiting in just one week's time! Also making many lists of what I might like to pack for said trip. Also wondering what it will be like to go on said trip without good-friend-who-doubles-as-my-conference-boyfriend at this conference every two years.
6. As of yesterday, beginning to write conference paper for conference that I will go to in just one week's time!
7. Editing duties for the mini-journal, which go along as well as can be expected I suppose.
8. Drinking wine, in preparation for my trip to Eastern European country that I will visit in just one week's time! (A nice healthy tolerance for alcohol is of great use for the conference that I will attend.)
9. Reading Chelsea Handler's book My Horizontal Life - hilarious!
10. Trying to learn imperative words in Eastern European language before my trip. (So far, I know yes and no. Also, I do know the word for underwear in this language because I am descended from people who come from this country. Why "underwear" is the word that has been passed down through the ages, I do not know. However, for a girl like me, I'm thinking that it might come in handy?)

But if you really want to know why I've not blogged, it's because I'm a dork who accesses the internets through her university, and my university's server or system or whatever has decided that it will not let anybody access any blogspot blogs or the blogger site. No, I'm not kidding. Apparently they are "working on the problem." And so I've been keeping up with people's posts through bloglines (as I am very resourceful) and forcing myself to take a break from blogging thinking that it would be good for me. I knew that I had enough of this break when I had a dream about blogging last night and a couple of nights ago.

I hope all is well in blogworld, and I certainly hope that I will be able to blog more frequently in days and weeks to come. I definitely will try to blog at least once from Eastern European Country (henceforth known as EEC). Oh, and I should note my travel plans in June more concretely here: I'm flying out of Hometown, as my Man-Kitty stays with his grandparents for long trips, so I head there on Tuesday. Then I leave for EEC, and I return on June 16. Then I'll be in Hometown for like a week, and then I head to Grad School City to visit my best friend from grad school who will be turning 40. Then I head back to Hometown, and if I'm not teaching in July, I stay there through the 4th, but if I AM teaching in July, I leave to return to my current location to be ready to start teaching. Whew! So it's going to be a busy month, and I'm pretty excited. Of course, I may end up in negative dollars by the end of it, but this is no matter. One must live for today without worrying about petty things like finances.