Surge of Energy - Editing Almost Complete!

1/3 of the way through the final pass through the manuscript.

Reading the whole thing through, making small changes, making sure I'm referring to people correctly on first reference, fixing notes, etc.

Will type it all in tonight, and then mail this motherfucker off tomorrow.

Am so happy I could cry, if it wouldn't get in the way of getting everything done. Will cry the tears of joy when really, truly done.

After I watch tonight's brand new episode of The Ghost Whisperer, that is.

(And you know what? I think I'm not actually horrified by the document. It's so. much. better. than the dissertation ever was. In fact - dare I say it? - it kind of doesn't suck. Who knew?)

Update, 5PM: Ok, done with edits on the whole thing and fixed first references. 1/3 of the way through the notes. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the scholars with whom I argued in the notes of my dissertation. Oh lord, was I a tool. Note to self: notes are not there to have one-sided arguments with people that you don't know. God, I was such an asshole. I also apologize to the handful of people who've bought the dissertation and who have read said notes. You clearly must think that I have anger management issues. (I suppose I can be happy that all of this contentious brow-beating isn't in the text of the dissertation, but lord. What was I thinking?)

Update 6:13 PM: Notes, DONE! What's left? Bibliography (very few changes to be made there), a few last-minute additions to the newest sections (I feel like there's too much me and not enough secondary support - I've got all the research done, and I've marked where things need to go, so this should take no longer than a half hour), and then typing all the crap in. And then printing it out. And then mailing it. That's ALL. I don't think I'm forgetting anything.... MOTHERFUCKER! I'M SO EXCITED! COULD SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! Ooh, Louis XIV's "Hey Teacher" just came on the shuffle. That's a great song. Woohoo!!!!! So excited!!!!! Must work more but really just want to celebrate (though it would be premature). Can't wait until this stupid thing is done! Which means I should get back to work. Don't wanna. Want to prolong the elated feeling. But will feel more elated when am really done. Damn!

You know, Trans Am is amazed by the whole book thing - like in the "I can't imagine doing that" (with an implied "you're crazy") way. I suppose it is amazing, huh? I tend to think of it as normal and not particularly interesting, because of the crowd I run with, you know? (Actually, I find the amazement a little irritating if I'm honest. I'd much rather people take it in stride a bit more.) But damn straight it's amazing! I can't let myself think so most of the time or I'd be crippled with anxiety, but it's AMAZING! To Medusa: I want to write something to you, but you know that it's totally inappropriate to write, so you'll just have to guess what it is.

God, I'm an annoying blogger right now. But I can't go anywhere with people to tell them of my amazingness, or I'll never finish, and I can't call anybody because if I do that I won't finish. So you, my readers, will have to suck up the fact that I'm annoying. I promise to be more annoying later on, when I'm done with EVERYTHING BUT THE PRINTING!!! (Which of course I'm doing at the office tomorrow and not on my home printer. I also suspect I may be a little drunk at that point, so you may get a rare Crazy tipsy post.)

And I'm totally going out tomorrow night. This calls for TOTAL CELEBRATION and not any activity within the monastic prison in which I've caged myself in order to see this project through to its completion.

Oh, and The Man-Kitty's in the mood to celebrate, too. See, after nearly three years, he's managed to achieve his goal of getting on top of the kitchen cabinets. I didn't think this was felinely possible, but apparently, after much careful planning and strategic jumping onto the kitty condo, the ever-resourceful Man-Kitty found a way (without, I might add, going on the kitchen counters, which he's been trained not to do). Dude, my cat totally is the one in charge in this establishment. Ok, back to work.

Here Comes the Sun?

Ok, not really, as it's supposed to thunderstorm today, but I woke up feeling like a whole new (and non-bitchy) woman, even though I did have a dream that sucked because it was one of those ones where there was a person in my house even though I didn't invite him in, and the person was this contractor guy and he was trying to make me pay him to do all this decorating work on my apartment (which was incidentally a mess) because it looked like I didn't really live here. At least it wasn't the dream where huge numbers of people keep coming into my house through doorways I didn't realize existed and partying while I'm trying to seal off all exits and to oust those who keep getting in. That's worse than dealing with Contractor Guy who disparages my nesting skills.

(Incidentally, I probably should do some things to decorate the apartment more, but I'm just not that interested in doing them. I'm not really a nesting sort of person. No, not at all.)

But anyway, even with having that dream prior to waking, I still am in a better mood than yesterday. Today will be similarly busy, but in less pressure-filled ways than yesterday was, which will help. You know, it occurs to me that while I'm good at handling crises (big or small) I'm much less good at handling constant, nagging, low-level pressure. That constant, nagging, low-level pressure is the thing that turns me into a raving bitch and that makes me lose it.

I need to go take some allergy medicine - the one thing that sucks is I woke up with a sinus headache (slept with my window open, so my own damned fault) and I really want it to go away before school today.

Ok, so what's on the agenda for today?

1. Travel $ requests for my summer travels, including begging letter to people not my department chair to try to squeeze a bit more cash out of the university.
2. Grading. Ever more grading.
   
3. Meet with two students.
4. Finish with friend's book so can write overdue review.
5. Wonder why I'm considered an XX Scholar when I'm woefully underread in that area. Beat self up for not having read all those things people assume I've read, but then still don't read any of them.
6. Consider how I'm going to decide who to reject for the MLA panel. There are so many issues involved in this that I want to die. Actually, I'll digress from my list for a moment to talk about why this is so hard because maybe it will help. So I've gotten a good number of submissions for a panel that really at maximum can handle 4 papers. And that's a maximum - it would probably be preferable to have 3. Of those who've submitted, one is an unbelievable mentor to me, one is a guy I cite all over the book manuscript, many are people with whom I'm already acquainted in real life, and a few are people who I've not met and who are not currently involved in the society sponsoring this panel. All but one of the proposals is excellent. Also, add into this equation that I really want to have a nice range of papers in terms of subject area/texts that the papers cover. In part, I imagined this panel and agreed to put it together as a way of opening up the area of study a bit - to bring new voices into the criticism and new blood into the organization. So. This leaves me in my current pickle, because do I pick the new blood people and reject people who are inner circle people? Do I pick my mentor as a way of reciprocating for all of the opportunities she's given me? And then there are also some issues related to gender that I probably can't go into in any kind of detail, but let's just say that if I wanted to I could make this an all male panel, which is BIZARRE given the general makeup of scholars who work on the thing that the panel is about. You know, sometimes I think that I think like a male critic, though like a gay feminist male critic, probably. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Ok, let's get back to the list.
7. Figure out what I'm doing in the class I'm teaching this morning. (I mostly know, but I need to figure out which activity I'm having them do, figure out how to manage to meet with each of them as they do that activity.)
   
8. Make list of things to do for end of week (as week is getting out of control a little bit).
9. Email. Ever more email.
10. Prep for committee meeting and committee meeting.
11. Prep for class tomorrow in which I'm teaching a novel I've never taught before (because I'm dumb and I think it's a good idea to put things on syllabi I've never taught before to "change it up" but at least I am very familiar with the novel and I did reread it already, and I've taught other texts by the author, so it's a matter of organizing ideas more than anything else.)
    
12. At least go for a walk, but maybe go to the gym.

Ok, I'm not putting anything else on this list. But yes, that's what the day is looking like. I just have to remind myself that by the end of the month my life is going to slow down a lot - I'll be done with the manuscript, and I won't need to be so super-productive as I've needed to be this week (as normally I'm really not quite this super-productive) with an eye toward needing to work on the manuscript all weekend.

But now, I need to think about what I'm going to wear today. This is harder than it should be because I feel like all of my shoes are wrong. With the spring-like weather boots seem wrong, but looking at the spring-like shoes I've got, they all seem wrong, too. I may need to take a break from all of the productivity this weekend to do some shoe shopping. Not that I should be blowing money, but whatever.

You know how I mentioned in my post the other day that sometimes I can't help but like crap music? Another example of this just came to my attention: Fergie. I know in my right mind that Fergie is horrible, but in my unright mind, all I can say is, well, her songs really are Fergalicious. It's so wrong. I can't believe I've confessed this here, but if you can't confess such things on your pseudonymous blog, where can you confess them?

Ok, this is more than enough of a post. Now I'm just procrastinating. Time to get the day started.

So. Fucking. Tired.

Here's what I did today:

1. Taught two classes. In one class we were reading some poems. They are lucky I didn't quiz them. They are also lucky I gave them some time to work in groups. I, on the other hand, am not lucky, because I think I'm presenting myself to them in this class as Dr. Slutty or something, what with all of what I'm having them read. They keep looking at me funny. It's not at all cool. In the other class, we began a novel, and I spent a lot of time connecting dots for them and asking leading questions and trying to up the sophistication quotient in the room. Only two of the male students really get it, and sometimes I think that I'm not paying enough attention to the other students because those two guys and I are just having our own conversation. There is a third male student who wants to be part of that conversation, but he's just not bright enough - I think that he doesn't really want to have the conversation but rather that he's doting on me in some fashion.
2. Picked up some books that arrived from ILL.
3. Ate lunch.
4. Graded 11 midterms.
5. Had annual performance meeting with chair.
6. Tabulated midterm grades for freshmen.
7. Posted midterm grades for freshmen.
8. Ate one sleeve of peanutbutter sandwich girlscout cookies. (I was desperate.)
9. Met with a student.
10. Made appointments to meet with two other students.

I feel like I might fall asleep while typing this blogpost. Productivity sucks balls. And I'm feeling lonesome and neglected because everybody else is busy being productive, too. And that sucks balls as well. So I'm going to take my potty-mouth and take a wee little nap. In the meantime, I leave you with the following quotation, that really says it all for me right now:

"I have always tried to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is beating at its walls, threatening to undermine it."

CRAZY Day

It is just about noon. So far today I have:

• Printed out the penultimate draft of the manuscript.
• Written one quiz.
• Taught one class.
• Put together a conference appointment sign-up sheet.
• Emailed all of my mentors about the job search conclusion (had been procrastinating about that).
• Emailed my editor.
• Printed out and reviewed all submissions for the MLA Panel. I think a few more may still trickle in. After looking at them systematically, I'm feeling very stressed out because I know I'm going to have to reject people who really have great ideas. The good news is that I won't need really to speak if I don't want to - so much good stuff in response to the topic. Weirdly, though, a couple of people actually cite me in their abstracts. I'm both flattered and a little embarassed.
• Graded 2/3 of quizzes from one class.
• Emailed a university office about scheduling something - or, rather, rescheduling it. (I'd been putting this off, too).
• Made a vet appointment for the Man-Kitty (should have happened in December).
• Emailed upper-level class to remind them that they have a discussion-board post due.
  

Why do I note all of this here? Because I am STRESSED OUT and also it's easier to be motivated when I get to take credit for accomplishing things on the blog. And also, any undergraduates who might be reading this? DO NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! YOU WILL BE VERY BUSY AND STRESSED OUT! IT WILL NOT BE FUN!

Ok, you can go back to whatever you were doing now. :)

UPDATE, 4:31 PM
Don't worry, everyone, I'm not back to report that I found a cure for cancer, found a plan for peace in the middle east, and started a school for children in Guam. I know my last post really was filled with the productivity, but if you want to know how that kind of productivity can be sustained, you must look at what I've done since then:

1. Emailed with friends.
2. Ate lunch.
3. Did some reading prep for tomorrow.
4. Made the poor decision to conduct #3 from the Bed of Crazy, which meant falling into a bit of a deep slumber for approximately 1 1/2 hours.
5. Went for a long walk (3 miles) in my very hilly neighborhood. Sun out during walk, now cloudy.

In other words, I've only barely complished two items of many remaining on the To-Do List of Pain. Ah well, it's ok. I'll try to get a few more things checked off, and then I'll just move what I can't do onto tomorrow's list. Like I always say, as long as I get at least 60% of the list done, I've done ok. (Why I am happy with what amounts to D- productivity, I'm not sure, but you know, maybe by aiming low I actually get more done and don't feel as stressed out?)

On Being (Less) Productive (Than I'd Hoped)

One of the things that is a challenge for me about doing research-related projects during the academic year is that I feel most motivated to work on research-related projects at around 9:30-10:30 PM during the academic year, which doesn't really make sense as it's not wise for me to stay up until all hours of the night completing what I start. Unless I am entirely unscheduled (i.e., unless its summer, or unless I'm living with my parents and not working and my only job is to write - ala when I wrote my dissertation), I have a very hard time making myself get going on research-related projects at a reasonable time of day, especially if I'm out of the research groove, as I have been this academic year because all of my research mojo was channelled into the job search. And so, because this is the case, I've been procrastinating since about 1 PM, and all I've accomplished is to make a to-do list and to revamp my midterm for one of my classes. The midterm thing was on the to-do list, so that's good, but I've got so much that I need to do, and yet I've pissed away approximately 8 hours.

While I don't believe in waiting for inspiration in order to do research stuff (as I'm constantly trying to hammer into my students), I do believe that we all have natural rhythms for when we do certain kinds of work best (as I keep quiet about around my students). And my natural rhythms are such that research-related stuff seems like the thing to do right around what should probably be bedtime. I don't think that this is all genetic - I think part of it has to do with conditioning. When I was in high school and working, and then later in college and working, The time to write papers was after work. But I do think that part of it is a natural disposition - and part of the reason why I don't carve out other blocks of time when I am scheduled is because it takes too much energy to do so because I really do prefer to write at night. But so I had all of these high hopes for today, and now I'm doing my best not to beat myself up about how I didn't achieve all of what I wanted to achieve. Because, really, it's ok. It's only day one of the current push, and I've got about 30 more days to go. It's really ok if I get off to a slow start. This is a marathon, not a sprint, yes?

But so I'm writing this blog post to get me in the mood to work on revising a chapter. Again, these are superficial revisions rather than substantive ones - I'm saving the substantive revisions that I've procrastinated about doing for spring break, when I've got uninterrupted time. Today I requested some stuff through interlibrary loan, and I'll probably request some more (and print out some stuff, and go to the actual library) tomorrow and then Friday. So I am making some progress. The problem is, my mind has been too scattered all day (thinking about teaching, thinking about other crap I've got to do) to sit down and focus on the hard work of editing and honing. See, that's the thing: this stuff is hard work. And it's really hard to motivate oneself to do hard work, because hard work in itself is not fun. Sure, the end result is satisfying, but the actual work part is, well, work.

What makes teaching easier in a lot of ways is that you have an outside source to motivate you, i.e., students. But with research, if one lets oneself go down this road, well, there really is no point to it. Who is it for? It's not like the house is on fire and the only thing that will put it out are some ideas I have about some books. It can wait, right? I suppose this is why God invented deadlines.

(I've decided that if God is responsible for Jennifer Hudson's Oscar win, then he's also responsible for all things in the world, including the tinfoil shrug she wore last night. And by the way, the whole "God made this happen" thing is really fucked up, because it means that God does great stuff for some people and then he shits all over other people. I hate it when people thank God at award shows. Not that one can't thank God if one believes in him/her, and incidentally, I do believe in some God-like force and I thank that God-like force for lots of stuff, but I don't announce to the world that I'm God's chosen person whenever anything happens to me. It's gauche.)

Ok, so on that note, it's time for me to buckle down to some work. Double-triple-quadruple UGH.

It's Amazing What One Can Accomplish....

If one just makes a list, checks it twice, and actually does the stuff on the list instead of moving the stuff on the list to other days in the week.

Crazy's bills for the month? Paid.
Crazy's talk? Well, it needs to be practiced, but it's edited within an inch of its life.
Crazy's prep for her lower-level class for the next week? Done.
Crazy's laundry? In the process of being done.
Crazy's note for the pet-sitter re: the Care of the Man-Kitty? Written.
Crazy's papers that she must grade? Well, they're not graded, but I did put them into the proper order for grading. That's something.

I think that I'm going to reward myself with playing a game on the computer while the laundry does its thing - at least for a little while. Yay productivity!

Productivity Is in the Eye of the Beholder

Ok, so last night I did finish the Great Closet Excavation, and I did go to the grocery store today, and I did make a big pot of chili, but many other items on my to-do list remain un-checked-off. The problems, as I see them, are the following:

1) I know that a great many of these items didn't really need to be completed, which is never a recipe for actually completing items on the to-do list.
2) Given the fact that I've got a 3-day weekend, I've overestimated the amount that can reasonably be accomplished in that extra day.
3) It's been very bleak weather. I haven't seen the sun in days.
4) I've been angst-y about a number of things, all of which are beyond my control.
5) I had to go shopping!

So let me tell you about my shopping trip. Now, I hadn't originally intended to go shopping today. I was going to go during the week. But then with the horrible dementor-breeding-weather, which won't let up for at least a few days, I thought I didn't really feel like major highway driving to one of the larger mall-like establishments to which I'd have needed to drive. So then I thought, hey! I can go to Department Store Downtown, but if I'm going to do that, then I really should do it today as I can park for free. So off I went.

Items purchased:
Classic black pant-suit $70
A little less classic black-with-some-detailing suit with skirt but I can wear the jacket with pants from #1 suit $69
A pair of excellent black Naturalizer loafers $50

All in all, I think I was quite the bargain-hunter, and I am very, very pleased with my purchases. And, just fyi to readers, if you think you might like a new suit or two, now is definitely the time to go - many great suits on sale! For very cheap! At a Department Store near you!

But now I'm feeling a bit like I probably should have tackled at least one or two items on the to-do list. Ah well, tomorrow is another day, right?

After Sloth Comes Productivity

Ok, so after all of my bitching and moaning, today ended up to be a good day and a good start (I think) to the spring semester. Not only did my class go fine (though how couldn't it, given the fact that it was just the hand-out-the-syllabus-and-introduce-myself-and-the-class day) but also I got a TON accomplished, including:

• I completed a less brief CFP for the MLA panel that I'm organizing for next MLA
• I updated my website (though of course, this is a work in progress, and I'm not entirely done with the page for my upper-level course).
• I got my blackboard discussion board ready to go with prompts.
• I got nearly all of my assignments for the entire semester ready to go and gave them to the administrative assistants to be copied. (Aside: when I first began this job, I was appalled that one might not do her own copying. I think this is a result of all of the temping that I did throughout my 20s. Also, I couldn't imagine having stuff done ahead of time so that others might copy it. Now? Hell yes I'm going to have my copying done for me if at all possible. Why not? Why be a martyr to the copier when others are not?)
• I revised an opening-day lecture for my upper-level class. (No need to do such plotting and planning for my Intro to Lit course, as the first day is all about me making them tell me what they think "literature" is and then having a discussion about why we've got to interrogate those ideas. Note: literature is not "anything anybody thinks is literature," nor does it only include "old-fashioned" texts, like those written by Shakespeare. I always open Intro to Lit in the same way, so I no longer even have notes for what I do in there. I am so happy finally to be at that point in some of my classes.)
• I sent an email that I'd needed to send for about a week.
• I had nice, collegial chats with a couple of colleagues.
• I met with a student.
• I sent out an email about Notoriously Difficult Book Reading Group to the interested students. Still no replies. Heh.
  
• I took a nap.

You will notice, I did NOT go to the gym. Or, rather, I went to the parking lot of the gym, realized I didn't know where my membership card had gotten to (it wasn't in the usual pocket of my gym bag) and so I took this as a sign that I should go home, have a cup of tea, and take a nap. I found the card buried in my bag upon arriving home. Will try to get to the gym tomorrow.

In other news, there is no other news. I've got to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow, and then I think I'm going to watch some TV. After that, I will read, and then I will go to sleep. Ah yes, everything is better when I've got a routine to guide me.

Musings on Leisure and Productivity

Ok, so as you all know, I had a rockin' - NOT - Friday night in which I worked on syllabi.

But the rest of the weekend was pretty much a wash, work-wise, until about 6:00 tonight. Yesterday, my major accomplishments were going to the gym (which I thought would help with the rage at human beings but it turns out, no, going to the gym just made me more pissed off - I blame the guy who was flying through the parking lot in his pickup truck and almost hit me for the rage not being decreased) and I made one of my favorite meals - haluska, a.k.a. cabbage and noodles. I modified the recipe (for no, I did not use an ENTIRE stick of BUTTER - or even any butter at all - but it still was yummy yummy). I also finally began reading the first in Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials trilogy (verdict's still out on how I feel about it) and took a nice relaxing bath. Today, I had many big plans, but when I realized that by noon I would not actually do anything, I called up BFF and moved up our plans to go to see Borat - which is b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t and I've not laughed so hard at anything in a very long time. All should go and see it. And we got dinner, and then I came home, fed the cat, called my parents to tell them to go see Borat, talked to my best friend from high school on the phone, and here I am.

Since that point I have:

1. filled out 4 EEOC things and addressed/stamped those that required it.
2. loaded the dishwasher and straightened up in the kitchen.
3. straightened up the living room. (All the straightening was done in a multi-tasking while on the phone fashion.)
4. Took out the trash.
5. Composed a handout for a talk I'm giving at a local library this week.
6. Looked at my to-do list for the coming week and updated it (this list is HUGE).
7. Begun thinking about introducing research writing in my comp. class.
8. Made a cup of tea.

What I think I've managed, which I can't always do, is that I gave myself permission to have quality relaxation time this weekend, and the fact that I gave myself this permission has upped my productivity in a huge way over the past couple of hours. BFF and I talked about this over dinner - the way that one can tell oneself that one "can't" do anything fun because one "has to" work, but then what ends up happening is that one just spends like 18 hours watching a Flavor of Love marathon or something, and thus at the end of it all just ends up feeling vaguely sick and hating oneself. I've known since graduate school that this isn't healthy, but it's very difficult to give oneself permission to take time for oneself when one is in a self-motivated job. (I imagine this is not unlike what it must be for stay-at-home moms or for people who run their own businesses.) One of the most difficult things for me as an academic is allowing myself to be the me who isn't an academic - to allow myself to decompress. But this weekend, I achieved that. And it is an achievement, and it is necessary, in the end, to doing good work.

Also, I think it's necessary to figuring out what one wants in one's life and who one wants in one's life. I may write about this more later, but when I was on the phone with my mom this morning, I think I had a kind of break-through about one aspect of my life that I've been kind of clueless about. My mom is so awesome. I love that I am as close to her as I am and that I can talk about real things with her. So that's me on this sunday night. I don't have the angst-y sunday feeling and I actually am feeling positive about heading into this work-week, even though it promises to kick my butt. But now I need to go and watch the Iron Chef America battle between Giada DeLaurentis and Rachel Ray, in part because I really am hoping to see Rachel Ray crash and burn because I think that she makes nasty food and I want confirmation of this. (I never make her recipes because they all look lame to me, but I do watch her show religiously as it inspires me to cook. I mean, if she can make the crap that she makes - "stoup" anyone? or how about "sammies"? I mean, come on. Giving something a dumb name does not at all make it something edible - I certainly can make something decent in 30 minutes.

(I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Giada, but whatever. Rachel Ray must go down.)

Edited to Add: Ok, the battle is almost complete. First of all, I am disappointed because in the commercials for ICA, they did not adequately communicate to me that RR and GL would be working as a team with Mario Battali and Bobby Flay. First, I am totally annoyed that they didn't just let them have at it on their own. Why did they need the "big boy real chefs" to assist? Throughout the show, I was really annoyed by how both of the "ladies" acted like they were totally out of their depth, with RR acting like she was totally intimidated by being with the "real chefs" and deferring to MB and GL running around like a frazzled beautiful mess. Annoying.

But who will win? Which chef(s) will reign supreme in the battle of the cranberry?

RR and MB. I'm not sure I even care.

On Writing and Time

"Write first."

That's the advice that one always gets when one talks about the struggle to make one's research a priority and to be a productive researcher. It's advice one gets from the time one begins teaching in graduate school, and it's advice that recurs as one enters a position as an assistant professor. The collective wisdom is that one must privilege one's writing time and that the best way to do that is to put writing before all else. If one waits until later in the day, those wise ones might say, the day will get away from one and one will make excuses and the research and the writing won't get done.

At various times, I've tried to follow this advice. In my experience, it does not work. Similarly, the advice to exercise first thing in the morning does not work for me. When I wake up in the morning, I am barely able to get my coffee and get in the shower. If I'm really in a bind, I can grade. Or maybe do a little class prep. But any task that requires significant motivation will not get done and done well first thing in the morning except for on a fluke. (And even then, only if the writing/research work is merely making editing sorts of changes that are pretty mindless.)

So how does one make time for research? Time for writing? If one just can't write first? And if one's course load is such that it's really not easy to work a schedule where one has to teach only two or three days a week?

It was funny: when I was talking to a good friend of mine who has a t-t job at a Very Prestigious University at the Very Fancy Conference I attended this summer, he was astonished at my productivity over the past three years. (That said, he is very productive himself, and he's one of those people I admire and even envy a bit for their productivity and accomplishments.) What this made me think about is how people talk about a 4-4 load as if it's a death sentence for a research agenda. I know I worried that it would be when I got this job. But it hasn't been, even though I can't do the whole "write first" thing. So perhaps this is a good time (as I'm taking a little break from the book proposal) to write about how I work in the research/writing aspect of things in spite of my heavy teaching and service loads.

First of all, I think rather than following prescriptions about how to fit writing in, one has to go with one's natural inclinations. All of my writing life, I've tended to write and to think and to do all of those complex things in the afternoon and at night. If that is one's natural rhythm, trying to go against that can actually hurt productivity. I always tell my writing students that there is no one right way to write a paper - and that's good advice for us as scholars to take as well. Things I know about myself:

1) I tend not to be able to write in silence. (Unless I've already begun writing and the cd ends or something, which of course never happens now that the iPod has been invented. I also tend to write with the TV on, if I'm not listening to music. I need background noise in order to focus.)
2) I often need to start any writing I do long-hand. I think this comes from the fact that I didn't have a computer until I started my PhD program. My process developed with long-hand as the first step of all writing, and so getting going often requires that I start with writing by hand. I can compose on the computer now, but if I get stuck, or if I'm just getting started, I need to bust out a pen and paper.
3) I need to edit on paper, not on the screen.
4) I need to allow myself to write when I feel like writing. That is not the same thing as waiting for inspiration to write, but it does mean that I need to write at night if necessary, even if it means napping for two hours when I get home from work (which I did today).
5) Try as I might, I can't write in the morning. I can teach in the morning. I can grade in the morning. But if I have a schedule where I'm meant to be accomplishing writing things in the morning, it will not happen. and if I teach late in the day, I will not write at night.

Other factors to consider:
I have a 4/4 load. Now, technically this year I've got a 3/3 load, but the course reduction is filled up with the quasi-admin position, which really is as much work as a fourth course. It is not a true 3/3 load. At my institution, teaching is number one, with service coming a close second. Research and publication runs a distant third, in terms of what my institution values. It is very easy to let teaching and service eat away at one's time.

The response of many to this problem is not to do research during the academic year. Research is what happens when one is "free" in the summer. This does not work for me. Unless I have an ongoing research agenda, I don't do crap when I'm "free" when the academic year is done. It's too hard to switch gears. I need to have an ongoing research agenda in order to produce. But how does one have an "ongoing research agenda" when one teaches five days a week?

I do not relegate research to weekends. Often, on weekends, I do no work whatsoever. I may not have a life, but I do have leisure time, and I protect that leisure time.

So how do I do it?

1. I teach in the morning. My teaching day is done at noon. The idea is that I will then (in an ideal world) get the hell out of work by 2 PM at the latest. This doesn't always happen, but it's always the aim. I'd say that I manage to leave by 2 PM or before 2 PM 2-3 days a week.
2. I spend as little time on teaching as I can do while still doing a good job. One thing I've noticed about my colleagues who've never taught at teaching-intensive universities is that they spend FAR more time on grading and preparation than I now spend. I realized very early on in this job that this use of time did not make sense. When I taught in grad school, I spent a HUGE amount of time on grading and prep, and I think it actually was because I taught less. Teaching more, I've learned how to streamline a lot of what I do as a teacher. The thing to remember is that as the professor, one is better prepared than the students by definition. There is no reason to let that suck one's time away. (Now, I care a lot about teaching, and I do spend a lot of time on it. But I'd argue that I spend much less time per student, per course, than many of my peers who teach fewer courses. The point is to make every bit of time that one spends "count.")
3. Service is a time-suck, and I need to learn how better to manage my service load. That said, I do try to do service that is high-visibility/low time-commitment. I think this is good advice for any junior faculty member.
4. I send out proposals for things. And I don't fret too much about them. Without deadlines, it is really hard to motivate oneself, and conferences are a great way to self-motivate. And if something gets rejected, so what? If one never sent something out, then one would never get an acceptance.
5. I make sure that I do new work by doing "variations on a theme" conference proposals, which means that three or four presentations equals roughly one article. Those presentations that are not moving toward an article are still variations on the same theme, and those will be part of the Next Book.
6. I teach what I'm working on research-wise, and I research what I'm teaching. Research is not "my work" separate from my teaching, but rather the two are intimately related. I do not have the luxury of working on things that I do not teach. There are not enough hours in a day.
7. I have no problem letting things like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc. go. Luckily, my cat does not mind my filth, and I don't tend to procrastinate by cleaning. (Though clearly I procrastinate by blogging. But at least I'm writing, right?)

I suppose my point here is that a research agenda is possible when one has a job like mine. No, you won't produce as much as people at research universities. My book is not already under contract, and I've only done two full-length articles, two shorter articles, and about two (sometimes three) conference presentations per year. I say "only" but I think that's actually probably a lot, considering.

This is one of the reasons that I'm on the market. I wonder what I could do, with the experience I now have behind me, if I were at an institution that valued research more. (But then I also fear that I'm one of those people who does better when she doesn't have adequate time to do things.) I also know that I can't keep up this pace if I stay in this job. I'll need to make a choice: research or a more vibrant personal life, as research is the least valued thing that I do, so obviously it will have to be the first thing to go. I suppose as I hear back from places to which I've applied, I'm both motivated to do research right now, and I'm afraid of how things will change, whether I get an offer or not. I know how to do this thing in this job as things now stand. How will I do if I'm somewhere else? How will I do if I need to cut back in the service of other important things (like someday having a family)? And if I have to cut back, is that a compromise I really can make, as research and writing is really the primary thing that made me choose this profession - more than teaching, more than anything else?

But for now, I'll start doing my research work around 9 PM. And I'll keep juggling all of my projects, and I'll keep hoping for the best.

Productivity Resumes - While Slackerdom Continues... As Impossible As It May Seem

Well, today is my last day of freedom, and then it's back to the grind. For most of the day, I allowed myself to continue in relaxation mode. I slept in, I read some Potter, I took a nap with my kitty-cat. Yet, I also did some things that needed doing.

1. I went to the grocery store to buy milk. I cannot drink coffee black, so this was imperative. I also bought a few odds and ends so that I could chef up some healthy meals that will get me through the next week or so of lunches and dinners. Since being back on the healthy eating bandwagon, I've found that it's KEY to make some things in large portions that I can then put into individual serving-size containers so that I don't fall into the "I don't want to cook/pack my lunch" trap and eat garbage. So I've started making things - big pots of chili, casseroles with whole wheat pasta, etc. - that would feed a large family, and then I freeze most of it, so I can have variety throughout a given week, eat things that taste delicious, and yet also don't have to cook. Which leads to #2
2. I cooked myself up two casseroles - one tuna-fish, and one a sort of modified cheeseburger casserole. Now, I know what you're saying: How can these seeming comfort foods be healthy? Well, first, there's the whole wheat pasta. Let's say that you have a package of whole wheat macaroni, and it's supposed to be the equivalent of eight servings. Well, instead you make that pasta stretch to be like 12 servings, and you supplement it instead with a TON of vegetables. You use lean meats. You use lowfat cheese (not nonfat, because the texture is like plastic). And yes, I do use the condensed "cream of" soup, which isn't ideal, but it's easy, and for the little of it that one eats per portion, I feel like it's ok. At any rate, I suppose I'm eating like people who don't have a lot of money but who try to make pasta/meat (the expensive stuff) "stretch" by using lots of veggies, but it gets the job done. Not as delicious as a full-fat casserole, but delicious nonetheless. I do miss butter, though. I love butter.
3. I ordered 2/3 of the books I need to order for fall, as the book order deadline just passed. I can't order the books for one class yet as I'm still deciding whether it would be wise to do a custom text-book thing. On the one hand I like the idea (will make things cheaper for my students, the one I'm considering has 99% of what I'd want it to have for the class, excepting the novels) but on the other I feel like it's risky - what if somebody buys the book, drops the class, and then doesn't return the book? They only will order as many as needed for the class. Hmm. Must consider what to do.
4. I dealt with some email stuff, and thought a bit about the class that I will teach tomorrow.
5. I'm continuing to reread To the Lighthouse, which is just lovely. I ended up buying a new copy because it seems that I lost my old one somewhere along the way (or it's hiding behind a bookshelf or something). In some ways this is good, as I really did need to reread, and to make teaching-style notes. On the other hand, I'm kind of wistful about the seeming loss of the old copy, as it was the copy I used for my first research paper in college, the copy I used for the paper that I wrote and used as my PhD application writing sample, the copy that I used for my very first ever publication. I do hope it's not lost and gone forever.

So yes, I am both productive and lazy. I wish I could have this balance all the time. Sadly, this is not to be. Things will continue to be crazy over the next couple of weeks with meetings, and things promise to be pretty intense in each of my classes in terms of the material that I'm teaching. Then, when that couple of weeks is over, more grading. Sigh.

But for now - the riveting conclusion of Flavor of Love. That New York, she doesn't know what time it is.

Dr. Crazy as Stress-Monkey

I don't really even know how to write this post. All I know is that I want to write, in an effort to expel some of the half-thoughts that are swirling around, to ease some of the tension. So what's the dealio with Dr. Crazy?

The Job Search

It's about time to start sending things off. Job Search Mentor has reviewed my main materials - twice - and once I make the last set of changes, they'll be ready to go. On the one hand, this is good. As soon as they're sent, then I can stop worrying about it. The weird thing is I haven't really been worrying about it on the surface. Unlike my initial time on the market, this time around the prospect of the whole thing hasn't been all-consuming. It's not the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, nor is it the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. But at the same time, it's been hovering in the background for months now, so while I'm not overtly stressed I've been feeling a kind of low-level stress ever since I decided to do this thing. Now, the thing that is leading me to make this run at the market is still true: I do still think it's the right time to do it, and I do think that I am as strong a candidate as I can possibly be right now. But that somehow doesn't make it easier or better. In some ways it almost makes it worse: if it is true that I am as strong a contender as I can be at the moment, and if nothing comes of this effort, then it's going to be really hard for me not to feel like shit about it. When I went on the market the first time, I went in expecting to fail - I was ABD, and while I was an ok candidate, I really thought that it would take a couple of years to land the elusive t-t job. The problem, to some extent, is that I succeeded. I don't know whether my sense of it now - that I thought I would fail - is really true. That is the story that I tell myself, and it's to some extent the story that I'm trying to tell myself now - that I won't be surprised if I don't get any interviews, that I won't be surprised if all of this is an exercise in futility. Except this time, I don't actually think I believe that. I think that I will be surprised if nobody is interested. And I think that's dangerous. But as much as I tell myself the story that I don't expect anything, I can't seem to make myself believe it, not as I think I did succeed in making myself believe it four years ago. So there's that.

Then there's this thing I'm doing, where in order to repress potential hopes about success on the market I'm telling myself another story, the story of how I really have the Greatest Job in the World at the Greatest University. Part of that comes from guilt - I don't want to want to leave. This place has meant a lot to me, and the people here have been fantastic colleagues to me. But the problem is, clearly, that this isn't enough for me. If it were, I wouldn't have considered doing this for real. I would have maybe sent a few things out without thinking about it, thinking that it was a good time to do so, half-way to tenure, etc., but it would have been half-hearted. The problem is that I don't feel half-hearted about this. I feel like I'm in it, and like I really want for it to happen, to get interviews, to get an offer. That kind of wanting, given the state of things in my field, is dangerous.

And if things don't go my way, I don't want for that to make me feel like I suck or like I'm stuck with what I've got. I don't want for this to make me the sort of person who doesn't try for things. I'm afraid that could happen.

Maybe that's what this whole thing about: fear. I'm afraid of not knowing what's going to happen, and I'm afraid of not having control over it. I'm afraid of screwing up, but I'm also afraid of doing well. I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid of disappointing people (my dissertation adviser, for example, if I get nothing; my colleagues in my current department, if I do, and if I take whatever it is I get; my family, if I end up moving significantly father away; my family, if I end up here and unhappy and ALONE and I never have a kid and whatever).

But all of this is dumb. All I'm doing is writing some letters, printing out some cv's, and sticking some stuff in the mail. This is not that big of a deal. Except, of course, it feels like a big deal.

Once again, I wish that I could see the future, just so that I could be more prepared for it, you know?

And I haven't felt all of this particular stuff since grad school, and I hate feeling it. I hate that it all comes back the minute that you put yourself out there. I think it's the feeling that I'm going to be judged, scrutinized, and that's horrible, and yet I'm asking for it. (You might think I should feel that at my current job, what with being evaluated for tenure, etc., but I don't. I feel entirely comfortable about how I'm doing at this job and with how I'm regarded in my institution. I never feel judged or scrutinized. I never feel so fucking potentially inadequate.)

And you know a weird thing that has been stressing me out? I'm kind of freaked that I'll interview someplace where somebody on a search committee or in a hiring department reads this blog. I've been thinking about this, and considering different scenarios for how to deal with it if it should come up, more than I'd like to admit.

So I'm applying for eight jobs, at least 3 of which are probably total long-shots that will realistically result in nothing (and I'm not being modest in saying that). So that's five maybe-chances. I just hope I get at least one interview. Otherwise, well, I'm going to be disappointed. But whatever. Whatever will be will be. I'm going to send all of my stuff out this weekend. Maybe once that's done I'll have the sense of "it's out of my hands" complacency that would be a welcome relief after all of this worrying.

The Actual Job

I'm also feeling a lot of stress (less under-the-surface than the job market stress) related to my actual job. More and more responsibility keeps landing on my shoulders, and while I'm handling it with ease, it means meeting after meeting (and I hate meetings), and more and more smiling and making nice with people, and more and more productivity on all fronts. What all of this reminds me of is not graduate school but of what it was like in my junior and senior years of undergrad - when I was working like 20 hours a week, in the honors program, editor of the literary magazine, double-minoring, taking credit-hour overloads so as to finish in four years, etc. One of the things about me is that I'm really good at handling a lot of different tasks simultaneously. I'm really good at being involved in projects and in having a vision for things and having my hand in a lot of different activities. This is a strength. But it also leads to stress, as much as I'm good at doing it. Because part of me doesn't like that I'm this way - I wish that I could not want to do as much as I do want to do, and I wish that I could say no to things that I want to do more easily instead of just adding another thing onto the already full plate.

So it's weird, because all of this makes me feel competent and confident and proud of myself, and I like that others then view me as being confident and competent, but then I also feel like I lose myself in all of the to-do lists that I make and all of the moving and shaking that I do. I feel like I lose myself, and yet then I think that maybe this is really who I am. Maybe I want to be a "scholar" but what I really am is a worker-bee. (And yes, I realize that those things need not be mutually exclusive, but whatever.) I don't want to be a worker-bee. I don't want for people to respond to me based on my personality and my Grand Ideas for Improvement and not for the more... backstage stuff that I think about. I guess that's the thing: because this stuff comes easy for me, I don't really value it. And yet, because it makes me feel good to get acknowledged for things and to see myself taking care of business, I do it, and it feels like a cop-out in a way. It feels like I allow this shit to take over, not because I really care about it but because it gives me a kind of superficial high. If I believed in the outcomes of all my projects, I think it would be one thing, but sometimes I think I just do it all for praise or attention. And that's not the same thing as believing in something.

But then I don't know why I run myself down because of it. These things that come so naturally to me are necessary to making institutions of higher education run, and the particular quirks of my personality that allow me to have strong opinions without alienating people are very useful tools in negotiating the politics of higher education and actually making things happen. But I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be a born administrator. I fear that I am. (It all goes back to the fact that I like to be in charge - and that's also a thing that works for me in the classroom. The problem is that this liking to be in charge does not serve me in other areas, and those are the areas that I care more about, maybe because they don't come naturally? Who knows.)

And the Area in Which There Is No Stress, As It Barely Exists

So I've got no personal life, unless you count talking on the phone, writing emails, and hanging out with my cat. All of these things are pleasant, but a personal life they do not make. But do I really have the emotional energy for more than that right now? No I don't. So thank god I don't have personal life drama to add to the mix. That is, actually, a bright spot, as when I went on the market 4 years ago, I had TONS of personal life drama, and it all ended in tears. Much better to subject no one to the me that I am right now.

In Conclusion

(I had to include this last subheading in honor of my students - hee!) But so yeah, that's what's going on with me right now. I apologize for the long, self-indulgent, whiny nature of this post. But I actually do feel better for writing it, so I suppose that is good. I think this also means that I need to make a commitment to write in my diary more regularly, because it is wrong to subject an audience to much of this stuff. That said, I wanted to post this because it's been a long while since I've written anything that's really about me on this blog. And I wanted to post this because I think there's some value in having an account of how it feels to be mid-tenure-track and in this particular position.

Monday Afternoon TCB Edition

Ok, so I wasn't quite as productive as I might have been this weekend, because I bought a new computer that doesn't suck, and so I was playing around with it rather than accomplishing things. That said, I have rediscovered my love of playing with pretend people , and while this may at first seem like a time-suck, it actually has inspired me to ever greater heights of productivity. Yesterday, this was mostly home-focused. But since this morning, I have....

1. Finished revisions on a collection essay.
2. Found and commented on a student essay left over from the spring for a student who wanted feedback greater than just a grade.
3. Made 15 bucks from the Bookbuyer Man.
4. Graded two sets of quizzes.
5. Corresponded with a plethora of folks.

Now, I'm going to do the following:
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Play with my people and kitty-cat. (This can be done simultaneously.)
3. Finish the novel for my class tomorrow.

And who knows what else? I should go to the gym, but I'd intended to get there much earlier than 2 PM, which is what time it will be by the time I would arrive there. Maybe it's ok to skip the gym as long as I get back on the eating right wagon? God, I hate working out. I hate it so much. But I digress. My point here, is I think it's actually good for me to think about living my life as if I'm queuing things up to do. Is that a good thing or a sad thing?

Suspicious Minds (A Job Market Post)

Since the new semester began, I've felt a subtle shift in colleagues' attitudes towards me, a shift that directly correlates to the fact that I've had a bunch of publications accepted/come out in the past couple of months. (By "a bunch" I mean around 5, and no, not all of them are fancy, but in English that's a lot of productivity, especially at an institution like mine, as we don't do collaborative work. I should note, too, that in some respects the fact that all of this is happening right now is the fruit of the labor of like 2 1/2 years, of waiting on things to appear, etc., and so it's not like I have this kind of a burst regularly. Oh, and the colleagues know what's going on with me research-wise because we're supposed to tell an administrator in our department who sends acknowledgment of accomplishments out to our dept. listserv and to administrators higher up. I suppose I could just not follow that convention, but it does help the department to seem like it's productive, and I want to be helpful.)

In a few cases, the shift is entirely positive. Excitement that I've been able to achieve so much. Pride that somebody like me is in our department. Interest in what I'm actually working on.

In other cases, the shift is kind of positive, or even negative, but always characterized by suspicion. "Wow, you're really getting a lot done," said sarcastically. "I'm actually surprised that you're going to stay here," said with a raised eyebrow. Or then there's the worst, when they say nothing at all, but somehow are a little less friendly, a little less likely to chat at the copier, a little less likely to pop their head in my office door and say hello.

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship where the other person goes on and on about not being good enough for you? Where that person sees anything positive that happens to you that is unrelated to him/her as evidence that he/she can never make you happy? Where the person is always wondering if you're cheating on them, asking around to people who might know to try to get inside information? And then you begin to believe them - you begin to believe that you can do better, and you begin to resent their insecurity. You begin to wonder why you cared about the person in the first place, or whether you ever really were happy with them.

That's how I've been feeling lately. And it sucks.

I want to work at the kind of institution that regards productivity or success not with suspicion but with excitement. I want to work at the kind of institution that sees what I'm doing as a model for faculty achievement instead of a threat. I want to work at the kind of institution that believes it deserves me, that believes it is worthy of me.

That is how it is with some people at this institution, like Very Supportive Colleague, and Really Wonderful Mentor. The problem is, those people feel few and far between right now. I feel like if I stay here, I'll always be with the insecure boyfriend that can't realize that my success is a good thing not only for me but also for our relationship, that I want my success to inspire us to greater heights and not to threaten him. You know what? I've had that relationship. I lived in it for three years, from ages 25-28. It ended. Thank god. I've been in this relationship with my institution for three years as well, from ages 29-32. Will this relationship go the same way? Who the hell knows.

Deja Vu All Over Again (a post about going on the market)

Last night I began working on my cover letter. I dusted off my letter from the last time around, and I set about trying to turn it into something that actually shows who I am now. See, this is the weird thing about academic job searching. As you compile the materials, and as you look at old versions of the materials from searches of yesteryear, you're really looking at a version of your self, and you're attempting to construct a self to send out into the world. I suppose this isn't unique to academic searches, but because the materials required of us are so detailed, because one can be eliminated from consideration for the smallest misstep, it's a rhetorical situation that is incredibly fraught from even the moment of deciding to go on the market.

And perhaps the worst part of it is the cover letter. It inspires you to tell lies (like that one about the "next book project" - not that you won't have a next book but that at least if you're me you haven't really thought about the work you're doing right now in those terms until you were forced to do so by the letter) and to have a big crazy rush of productivity so as to be able to put things in the letter. The CV doesn't inspire the same kind of fretting - does my personality come through in the letter? How can I make this thing shorter? How do I include the most possible information without boring the committee to tears? And at this point, the writing sample doesn't inspire the same kind of fretting, or even the statement of teaching philosophy or of research plans. But the cover letter? Well, sure, I do know how to write one now, but it's still tricky.

I suppose that's the strange thing about embarking on this process right now. It's that I know how to do it because I've done it all before, but at the same time I don't entirely know how to do it in light of who I've become as a scholar in the past three years. I'm not the same person who was finishing up her dissertation in 2002, on the market for the first time. My research has moved beyond the tiny little area on which my dissertation focused; I've taught like 7 different literature courses when then I hadn't taught a one on my own; I've done so much service you'd think that I never say no to anything, even though I do, except for when I'm too flattered to remember about the saying no. In other words, I'm a very different candidate than I was then, even though looking back over the past three years I see how I grew out of that candidate that I was.

I'm not entirely sure how to conclude this post. I suppose suffice it to say that this decision to go on the market has really made me look carefully at how I've developed since getting a tenure track job as a member of this profession, and I think that even if nothing comes of this search, going through the rigamarole of putting together the materials has made me acknowledge what I'm achieving as a professional. That's a good thing. Feeling like a professional - instead of feeling like somebody who's knocking on doors and begging to be allowed to become a professional - at this point in the process is a really good thing.

Arrogant, Selfish, Job-Searching Me

I was going to dump this in the comments, as a response to the comments some people were making about something that I'd said over there, but I feel like it's useful to put this in a real post that isn't buried in a comment thread from days ago.

In a comment, I said this:

"Personal happiness and satisfaction is infinitely more important to me than 'changing the system from within.' Wrong or right, that's my position."

In response, Liz Ferszt says the following:

"Given this admission, which I find arrogant and selfish, if I were one of our current colleagues I'd just say, "Good luck on your search."

I might even find some boxes for your books."

Another commenter (Terry Porter) expresses concern that I am going to "regret" leaving my job for "purely personal reasons."

Well, first, I'm not really surprised that Liz would respond negatively to anything I might say, as she seems to take pleasure in thinking that I suck. Otherwise, why would Liz keep reading this blog when clearly she thinks that I'm so reprehensible? If it were me, and I felt as Liz seems to feel about Dr. Crazy, I would stop reading. And stop commenting. Because life's too short to be so irritated by the likes of a young whippersnapper such as Dr. Crazy.

But, because I'm a good sport, I'm going to respond. Also because I want to answer this for once and for all, and to assure my readers that I am being thoughtful and careful in my considerations about my professional choices, and that I do not enter into this - or much else in my life - lightly.

First, when I say that I put my personal happiness before my institution, that does not mean that I do not have a strong commitment to my institution or to my work as a professor at this institution. All it means is that I believe that it's important to prioritize things in life, and I believe that is important and sensible for me to make myself a priority in my life. My institution will pay me, but they will not take care of all of my needs. While I could sacrifice my needs for the greater good of my institution, ultimately I think that this would make me a bitter person and an angry person, and I think that this would be bad for my teaching, my research, and my service to the institution and to the broader community of which this institution is a part. Taking care of me doesn't mean shirking my responsibilities or treating my colleagues unfairly. It doesn't mean "dropping a bomb" on them by doing something for "purely personal reasons," as if those reasons, because they are only personal, are somehow criminal or at the very least illegitimate.

Let's think for a minute. Let's say that I were talking about deciding to go on the market for any of the following reasons:

• In order to relocate to be nearer to my husband/partner.
• In order to relocate in order to accommodate my husband/partner's career.
• In order to facilitate the happiness of my children (better schools, being nearer to extended family, etc.).
• In order to be nearer to an ailing parent or other close relative.

I suspect (though perhaps I'm being cynical) that everyone who has wondered about whether I'll "regret" the decision - not to take another job, mind you, but just to look for one - just to consider whether there might be something out there that would perhaps make me happier than my current position - would be the very vision of support of my "difficult decision." They would say things like how some things matter more than this profession, and they would even commend me on putting "what really matters" ahead of my stupid little job. Because, of course, for a woman, a stupid little job is just a purely personal thing that really has to go in the service of taking care of other people, right?

But, see, I don't have any of those "good reasons" to consider other employers. I'm single and my parents are in good health. I had the great good fortune to have my grandmother die during my second month on this job, so I don't even have an ailing grandmother potentially to validate going on the market. And, in fact, the thing that I probably devote most of my time/energy to is to my institution. So, many would say, it's just plain wrong for me to think about looking elsewhere.

But here's the thing. I don't plan on stopping being good at this job because I'm thinking of looking at other jobs. I care about my institution and my job. There are a great many good things about this institution, and I've gotten as much accommodation as is available to me at this institution (though often at a price in terms of service commitments, etc.). But the fact that I might consider my own happiness as part of the equation in my professional life does not strike me as "arrogant and selfish." Not at all. And I wonder whether anybody would chastise me or offer well-meaning advice on this issue in the precise way that has been done here if I weren't a single woman. Perhaps people would, but I wonder, only because I've never noticed anyone responding to a male blogger in this particular fashion.

(But then, what do I know? Because of course arrogant and selfish people don't generally recognize themselves as such, and maybe my questions about how people's responses to Dr. Crazy Going on the Market are gendered somehow show me to be even more arrogant and selfish than everybody already thought I was?)

But to continue. Let's go back to Liz's comment. She concludes with the following:

"I can't help but think a few more years in the profession will help you and give you some perspective. This discussion has been so similar to discussions I've had with young faculty over the years. "I just want to write." "I just want to have time in the summer to get away from the college." "I just want my books."

Well, get a library card, I say. Get a tiny room above a garage and wrestle with your thoughts, your cat, your literature.

The rest of us will be college professors (taking care of the students, the curriculum, being there for more than a brief visit along the way) while you're getting satisfied."

Where even to begin. Just for the record, I'm not going on the market because I just want to write (I don't), because I have some fantasy about having summers off (who, exactly, gets that luxury? I know people at RI institutions, and I think they're more crazed with work than anybody), or because I just want my books (what does that even mean?). I'm not an idiot. And I've been teaching for over ten years, and an assistant professor for three, so I'm wondering how much time I need to be in this profession before my sense of it has legitimacy.

I expect that if I am offered a position - which is in no way a sure thing - to make a basically lateral move. I do want a lighter teaching load, and I would like either to stop teaching composition or to teach it only one semester per academic year. I'm not trying to get away from teaching or from service in order to bury my nose in a book One of the reasons why I'm good at this job is that I'm really good at balancing the demands of all of the parts of it. I do take care of my students - who incidentally often ask what in god's name I'm doing at this institution - and I have made more of a contribution to the curricular process in my department in the three full years that I've been at this job than many of the tenured-and-inactive members of my department. I'm not here for a "brief visit," and longevity does not necessarily equate to productivity or utility within a department.

This is the appropriate moment to go back on the marketto have a look-see before going up for tenure. I will not make a decision to leave this institution without a lot of agonizing, because I do, ultimately, really care about this place. But you know what? Caring about a job is not enough in life. I want more in my life than what this particular job has to offer. That isn't wrong.

That's enough for now. I'm sure that Liz is rocking back and forth and humming in a corner somewhere in an effort to come to grips with my audacity in responding to her, and I'm sure many others are shaking their heads at what a stupid, selfish, naive girl I am. I'm hoping, though, that this clarifies my position, if it needed clarifying, and that this post can be the last in this vein. Really, the reason I posted the LAST post about going on the market was to try to head off this kind of bullshit at the pass so that I could get into the actual nuts and bolts of what it's like to go on the market at this point in one's career. And to talk about things like my class background in relation to the academic job search, and I don't know, other stuff that's infinitely more interesting than all of this.

And I'm tired and cranky and hungry. I spent all day shopping, and I really had hoped to write about that. I suppose that will have to wait until tomorrow, though, because I've blown my wad on this crap.

Something I'm Embarrassed to Own/ A Favorite Outfit for Writing

It's true! I am finally getting around to the photo meme stuff! I decided to begin with this one because I think even you, my faithful readers, may be shocked and even a little embarassed for me that I own this. Or you might say, "Crazy, that is both embarassing and probably the craziest thing in your house," and thus it kind of fills two of the categories in which people wanted me to take pictures. And I might say in response, "Actually, it fills more than two: I am also sentimental about this item and it also makes up part of one of my favorite outfits." But, without further ado, I should show you this most embarassing item.

It's true. This, my friends, is a bathrobe that I've had since 1992. I remember the year precisely because I got it for Christmas from my step-dad and it was my first year of college, and living in the dorms, well, you need a robe. (So not only have I been wearing this thing for nearly 15 years, I began by wearing it in semi-public.) It is made of toweling sort of material, and really, it looks almost like brand new, even though it's as old as it is. You might be interested to know that I've only seen this robe in one other place outside of my possession, and that was at a thrift store about five years after I received the item as a gift. You will laugh when you hear that my first thought was not, "hmmm.... maybe this robe is hideous," but rather, "wow, why would somebody get rid of this great robe?"

But, my friends, it does not stop with owning the robe. I do, in fact, continue to wear this robe, and it in fact is the kind of icing on top of the cake that is one of my favorite outfits. This is not an outfit that I would consider "fierce" (unless we're talking about "fierce" in the sense of potentially dangerous to those who look upon it because they might die of laughter), nor is it an outfit that any outside of my most intimate circle (i.e., at the moment, my cat) would see me wearing. This outfit is my favorite writing outfit, an outfit for when I am having a hard time sitting down to write and which somehow inspires me. The first key to this outfit is that it's got to be cold. If it's summer, I turn on the air conditioning so that everything is really cold, just so that I can wear this outfit. Some parts of the outfit are negotiable. Generally, though, it includes some version of the following:

Footwear: either these L.L. Bean Slippers or these Adidas running shoes. If I wear the running shoes, I wear little athletic socks, but if I'm wearing the slippers I tend to wear wool socks.

From the waist down: either some kind of sweat pants (either the old school kind with the elastic at the ankles or yoga pants with stripes down the side of the legs) or plaid men's pajama bottoms. The choice of footwear has absolutely no bearing on the choice of the pajama bottoms or sweat pants. Also, and this is key, you must think about how this will look with the above bathrobe.

From the waist up: well, this does tend to vary more. Some favorites, though, are this t-shirt, or an ugly sweater (though only in winter, and yes, I realize it's weird to wear a sweater with a robe over it, but so be it), or a forest green sweatshirt that dates from around the same time as the robe (what was it about the early-to-mid-'90s and the color "forest green"?) that has the name of a university on it in plaid letters. Again, the choice of shirt has absolutely nothing to do with the choice of shoes or pants.

However, the most awesome part of this favorite writing outfit is the head-gear.

Normally, I don't put my hair in front of my face, but rather I use the tiara to hold the hair off of my face for better ability to see. However, the needs of a pseudonymous blog are such that I needed to disguise my identity.

But yes. I wear this tiara (which I acquired during the writing of my dissertation) when I need particular inspiration to write. I have a theory that it channels all of my brain energy and focuses it. Also, the tiara makes it uncomfortable to lie down and to take a nap - as does the footwear - in this, my favorite writing outfit, so it really does facilitate productivity. As for the layers of hideousness that comprise the rest of the outfit, well, they make it impossible to leave the house - even if only to take out the trash - for fear of being seen by, well, anybody.

So yes. The bathrobe is particularly embarassing. And with the rest of the outfit that I have described to you, perhaps even more so. But you know what's hilarious? I can blog about this precisely because it is a deep, dark secret that I have that really only people (or cats) who are very, very close to me would ever suspect. Mwahahaha!

Productivity

I have sat in my office, staring at my computer, for the past four hours. In this time, I have been working on formatting/copy-editing, things I hate, but I am (nearly) finished with the editorial duties, and I am nearly finished with my article for this special issue. (I'm finishing it tonight, as well as reading through everything once more just to make sure I'm not missing anything.)

In break-taking news, I sent emails to my dissertation director and to a mentor from grad school. I've been gearing up to send these emails for a couple of weeks. What this means is that I'm really intending to go on the job market this fall. Sure, I've known this for about a month now, but it wasn't for real until I sent these emails. And now that it is real, it means that I need to contact a few more people to make requests for letters of reference, among other things. I don't have any reason to think that any of the people I'll be contacting will reject my requests for letters/advice/etc., but I still feel so uncomfortable asking people for these things. In part I think I feel more discomfort now that I did when I was a graduate student - at least when I was a student it was these people's responsibility to do things like write letters for me and also I really didn't realize how much work it is to write a good letter for somebody, but now, well, I know how much work it is to write a good letter, and in a weird way to ask people for such things feels like a bizarre imposition on professional friendship. I know it's not, and that this is the way that the game is played, but I still feel like I'm imposing on people when I make such requests.

So. I accomplished many professional things today, and the day is not over yet. And I'm going to start posting the photo-meme posts on Monday, and I'll spread them out over a week or two, I think. And I've also been thinking a lot about my syllabi for the fall and updating them. Why I can't just fucking relax, at least until August, I'm not entirely sure. The thing I'm telling myself, though, is that by getting all of this stuff done in the next two weeks it will mean that I can relax during the first two weeks in August in celebration of my birthday.

In Man-Kitty news, all work and no play is totally not his scene, and he's totally not into the fact that I've been ignoring him.



"Dude," says the Man-Kitty, "can't you see how awesome I am? Don't you realize that hanging out with me is infinitely more fun than this 'work' nonsense you keep yammering on about?"

Obsession, Procrastination, Productivity

That, in three words, was my weekend.

The good news, is that the obsessiveness was (I think) related in large part to the procrastination, and so I'm hoping that now that the productivity has been achieved (complete draft of article done! though now it is 3 pages too long, and I've yet to put it in Chicago Style, so it's not DONE-done, but it is very, very close to done) I will no longer be obsessive or have the problems of procrastinating.

Ok, that is so rambling even I have trouble following it. At any rate, in plain English:

1. Friday, the Chemist called AGAIN. It was actually quite sweet, and yet another good conversation, and it was because I had suggested in my last email before I left school that meeting would be in order and so he wanted to talk to me about that. Tragically, I hadn't really expected him to call me to ask about that, and so I was caught off guard and totally spazzed out. Also, because I was in the throes of massive procrastination guilt I couldn't really bring myself to make plans. (You know how that is, when you're procrastinating you can't actually do anything fun - that whole thing.) So then Friday I drank some wine, felt sorry for myself, talked on the phone, and watched episodes of Sex and the City. I know. It's quite pathetic.

2. On Saturday, I spent the entire day minus the 1 hour I spent at the gym obsessing. Obsessing about the Chemist. Obsessing about my work. Obsessing about my job. Obsessing about fucking literary theory. I was, to put it mildly, a bit of a mess. I accomplished nothing. I ate about 4,000 calories.

3. On Sunday, the heavens opened up and I was productive! Yippee! Did I grade? no. Did I do any prep? Well, not so much. Did I do 99% of the things on my to-do list? Oh, no I did not. But I did write my article. And yes, it's too long now, but it's in a shape where I would show it to somebody without being utterly mortified. And somehow the process of finishing the article made me stop obsessing about the Chemist and gave me some perspective. (I also think the weekend of no contact between us was a good thing.)

So now it's Monday, and while I attempted to beat the Chemist to the emailing punch, I was foiled again by his attentiveness. Love the lovely attention. I did also, however, check in with my other eHarmony suitors. I am refusing to put all of my eggs in one basket before such time as it seems impossible to avoid. So, here's what's going on in eHarmony land.

• I got a message from The Businessman. No, I'm not kidding. I am utterly surprised that he bothered to write back to my last message, which was about two sentences long and just said I had been busy. I couldn't bear to read the message that he sent. I'll leave it until... sometime.
• A guy I had written off (Greek, computer guy) finally responded to my short-answer questions! He still has not revealed his picture so who knows about him, but we do know that he is like 6'2" tall.
• A new guy (Golf pro) asked to start communication with me.

All in all, a completely manageable list of suitors, and then of course there is still my lovely Chemist. Perhaps I will get to have some dates in the near future? This would be very exciting, and I think a great way to celebrate after all of my hard work. Of course, that would be ignoring the mountains of grading that must be accomplished and all of the other tasks that must be accomplished. Sigh.

And guess what else? I found my camera. Man-Kitty pictures will be forthcoming, for those of you who are fans.

Productivity: It's a Beautiful Thing

I don't really know what's gotten into me. I've been crazy productive over the past couple of days. Well, this whole week really. I'm about 90% to done on the article, I've graded 40 4-6-page essays, I've begun a new unit in Intro to Lit, which included teaching two poems and introducing Jane Eyre, I've considered submitting a proposal for another article for an essay collection, I've done a student recommendation, I met with Favorite Student Ever, I sent some important emails, I've continued the correspondence with the Chemist, I did 3 loads of laundry, I spent quality time with the Man-Kitty, I readied the assignments through the end of the semester for my comp. classes and did so early enough that I don't have to copy them myself, I've been to the gym regularly and I've been cooking actual meals for myself and bringing my lunch like a good girl. What's the deal?

• Part of it is that the system I have of conferencing with students to give back papers really works for me, and it's something I've got to continue in future semesters for my writing classes.
• Part of it is hormonal. At certain times in the month I just have more energy and more motivation.
• Part of it is that I've been good about the gym this week, which does give energy (although this post is in part inspired by the fact that I'm procrastinating about heading to the gym right now and considering putting off doing so until tomorrow).
• Part of it is caffeine, I've got to admit. I've had a Starbucks Venti Nonfat Latte three or four times this week.
• Part of it is that I always feel more inspired when I'm doing research/writing as well as The Job (teaching, service, etc.). Something about having too much to do can actually make me more excited to do all of the things I've got to do - or feel like I need to do them in a more timely fashion at any rate.
• Part of it, and this is the most pathetic part, is that since I began the online dating I feel pressure to be really busy in order to be captivating to suitors, whether with my job or socially, and this has only intensified since talks with The Chemist entered "open communication," as he actually knows what I do (basically) and so I want to be able to talk about it like I'm not a total slacker. And nobody likes the complainy slacker people anyway.

The point here, though, is that I've been getting a tremendous amount done, and that I'm excited to keep on this productive streak. The problem is, if The Chemist returns from his research trip and wants to see me, I might need to tell him no because there's really not room in my life for anything but work. And this, my friends, is why this profession is totally fucked up.