Friday, November 17, 2006

On Clinging to a Pseudonym Long after It's Lost It's Utility

Ok, so after all of the crap of the last week, I think that everybody here probably knows who I "really" am. And yet, I have no plans to stop being Dr. Crazy. And I've thought a bit about this, wondering why that is. So let me just lay it out for everybody here, if you care:

1. When I say I don't want the blog to be google-able under my real name, what I mean is that I don't want any stranger I meet to be able to google my real-life name and find the blog. I'm single and dating (well, or not dating, but I would date - I'e not ruled it out) and there are a lot of fucked up people in the world. I also want the choice of who reads it in connection with me (as much as I can have such a choice) in terms of professional contacts. I don't particularly want people to have access to the blog without choosing to give it to them in those circumstances. Now, if people choose to use any number of clues to figure the real-life name out, while I don't get it, I don't care all that much.

2. I don't want to feel like this needs to be a space on which I write only "professional" material. I know - male academics write blogs under their own names and they don't stick only to "professional" topics. But let me tell you: I've got no model for that in terms of a woman doing it, and so until I become brave enough to be a pioneer in this regard, well, I will continue to stay Crazy.

3. It actually kind of pisses me off that people persist in their interest in who the fuck I am - you know, really. Why does that matter? My readers are great, and I do think it is kind of the many people have emailed me (over the years that I've been blogging - not just this week) to warn me that they were able to "figure me out" with whatever methods they've used. I will say, though, that I will never understand the desire to sleuth around to find me out. Why the fuck does it matter? When you find out my name, do you really know any more than you know from what I write here? You know where I work. You might even be able to read my publications, if you're really motivated. But does that give you some kind of insight that you wouldn't otherwise have? In truth? I really don't think so. And if you want to know who I am, just send me an email - I tell most people. Why be all cloak and dagger about "figuring out" who I am? Because I'm many things, but I'm not particularly cloak and dagger about much, and every time somebody tells me that they've done all this detective work to figure out who I am, I always feel a little bit violated. Why not just respect the conceit that Dr. Crazy is who I am? Or if you don't respect that, why not keep it to yourself that you don't - because when you reveal it to me - in however well-intentioned a way - I often feel like that translates into a disrespect for me. I mean, I'm not actually trying to keep the blog a "secret" even if I don't want it immediately connected with my professional identity. That makes perfect sense to me, even if it apparently doesn't to anybody else. The pseudonym isn't really about being afraid at all, or at least not in the way that people think.

I don't know. I've thought a lot about what it would mean not to use a pseudonym. But I don't want to be forced into that decision, should I ever choose to make it. But I also don't want to write about my pseudonym or having one or anything else for a while. So, if by some super-secret detective work you put two and two together from details in posts and you figure out who I am, don't tell me. I don't really want to think about right now. Mainly because the more I think about it the more exhausting blogging becomes and the less I want to continue doing it.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Oh, the Drama - But Crazy's Gone Shopping!

Ok, so I've actually been really busy aside from all of the drama related to blogworld. I'm quite something, if I do say so myself. But what's really important is that I've done some REALLY good shopping over the past couple of days. Oh, Macy's One-Day-Sale, how I love thee.

I bought....

4 bras (each costing under 10 bucks - and they normally would have been $32 each)
1 skirt that can be worn with my black suit jacket (under 30 bucks, normally 78 dollars)
1 skirt that can be worn with my brown suit jacket (under 30 bucks, normally $98)
1 long jean skirt ($13, normally $44)

I'd probably have found even more excellent things to buy, but as I had to do all of this shopping in just 1 hour (I had to go to a faculty meeting), I think I did very well indeed.

Oh, and yesterday I bought a pair of black pants and a pair of running shoes, the two together costing only 80 bucks. Because I am a bargain-hunter!

But so I've got a question, oh blogosphere: what's the rule on closed-toe sling-backs? Are those for spring/summer only? year-round? (I ask because I really love my sling-back pumps, but I never know when to wear them.)

Outed - But then Put Back In! Hurrah!

Ok, so sure, I outed myself yesterday, but another blogger has taken it upon him/herself to out me on his/her blog. Even after I asked nicely that no one do that. Is it just me, or is that a really fucked up thing to do?

I suppose I have myself to blame, but if the person will not change the reference to Dr. Crazy, I may be changing pseudonyms and changing addresses, or stopping blogging altogether. This is mainly because I do not want this blog to be google-able with my professional name. I didn't set this up as a "professional" space, and I don't want it to become one. I don't list it on my cv, and I don't ever want to. I also don't want to have to explain it to people unless I choose to do so.

So, that's the dealio today. I was going to do a post about shopping, but you can thank the Outer for killing my shopping buzz, so that post will not be happening tonight. Tonight, I will be drinking some wine, prepping for class, and being irritated - both at my own carelessness and at other people's assholery.

EDITED TO ADD:
Thank you all for all of your comments. You should know that I emailed the blog in question, and all is well. (This is one reason why I did not link to the offending blog, as I wanted to give the opportunity for the mistake to be corrected.) At any rate, the whole thing was coincidental. They had no idea about my own foolishness yesterday (early) but just picked up on some other foolishness. See? I told you all I was careless. At any rate, to anybody out there who finds a blog that does not have the person's real live professional name out front and center: Even if you make the connection, DON'T PUBLISH THE REAL LIVE PROFESSIONAL NAME ON YOUR BLOG! At any rate, until further notice, I've no plans to move, to change names, whatever. God! So much drama! And all of my own making!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Isn't It Ironic? Don't Ya Think?

Edited to change opening of post because a kind reader alerted me to the fact that he figured out who I was from googling related to the opening. Not to be a bitch, but why do people even care who I am? I never google to try to figure out who people are. I thought about just leaving things as they were - I feel like everybody in the free world knows who I am anyway at this point, but I suppose an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure or something. And I, no, I'm not sure what I mean by that. But so here's the post with basically no introduction....

Why do we choose pseudonyms? What do they give us? What kinds of anxieties can they cause? How does one manage two identities - one "real" and one invented? (Or is all identity invented, blah blah blah, but I'm not talking about that right now.)

I suppose this brought me back to thinking about how 19th century novelists like Charlotte Bronte or George Eliot (whom we still know by the pseudonym, which I think is incredibly interesting, especially since we "know" it's not a man, except for I didn't know it was a woman when I had to do a book report on The Mill on the Floss as a senior in high school and, whoa, was I surprised when I found out I wasn't reading a male author) used pseudonyms.

Why choose to take a male name?
Why choose to take a name like Dr. Crazy or Bitch, Ph.D. or New Kid or Profgrrrl or Bardiac or Anastasia, or Horace, or Scrivener?

What do the names that we choose say about us? Why do we choose them? Why do we work to protect them? What power is there in a pseudonym, and what weakness?

Many have written about bloggers who use pseudonyms as doing so out of fear. Many have also noted that many bloggers (though not all) who use pseudonyms are women.

To counter this, many who use pseudonyms (including me) have talked about doing so in order to gain a certain kind of "freedom" in their writing.

Isn't this juxtaposition of fear and freedom exactly the same juxtaposition that we see with writers like Charlotte Bronte? We have Jane and we have Bertha - the good girl with some rebellious tendencies that must be mastered and the madwoman who must remain behind closed doors. Isn't this exactly what a pseudonym offers? The ability both to be good and to be mad (or bad)?

I've written about choosing this pseudonym in terms of feminism just recently. And I know I've written, whether on this blog or my previous one about pseudonyms generally. I suppose what's interesting to me in light of my recent gaffe, in light of my recent talk, is the ways in which pseudonyms allow us to move inside of certain kinds of discourse without certain kinds of repercussions. And yet, we're never without repercussions, right? We're never, ultimately, outside of power. So why even bother?

Clearly we all get something out of the pseudonym. But what, ultimately, do we get? On the one hand there is a constant fear of detection. If one, in fact, expects that one can get away without being detected. On the other, we get a certain kind of freedom to say whatever we want. Except for that's not quite right, either, since of course, once we build an online identity, it's as constraining as a real life one. As Dr. Crazy, I can't really say anything. I can say some things. Within the confines of this persona. Yes, this persona evolved when I moved addresses. Yet, just as Dr. Realname "means" something to people, so, too, does Dr. Crazy. Is there really more "freedom" with the pseudonym? Probably not. So then why? What is the payoff? Is it just a game? Is fear of getting caught part of the fun? Or is it something else that motivates us?

I don't have the answers here. I do know that I'm careless when it comes to protecting my real life identity. I have been since I started blogging. It's never been tremendously difficult for people to figure out who I am. I cared in my former space, about this carelessness; I don't really care about it at reassignedtime.blogspot.com. Carelessness, I know, from things I do in my real life, is to some extent a part of who I am. Part of what that means is that I need to deal with the consequences of my carelessness, but it also means that I have a certain fearlessness, which doesn't really go with the "I'm not blogging under my own name" profile. So if I'm not afraid, why be Dr. Crazy? If I'm not hiding something, why bother with the facade?

Maybe this has been the question for all writers who've written pseudonymously. Or maybe it's just my question. But at the end of the day, I think that maybe all of the anxiety over naming doesn't really mean much. Maybe we all exaggerate the importance of our "real" identities, or of our "pseudonymous" identities or of both in conjunction.

Shhhh! It's a Secret!!!!

Well, as many of you know, I made a little oopsie in my last post involving a mistake related to naming. It could happen to anybody, right? I'd just ask that everybody who googled me (and I know some of you couldn't resist) be kind enough not to go shouting to all and sundry who I am. I'm not super-secret about this blog, in all truth, but at the same time, I'd rather not write under my real life professional name. The blog is a hobby - not part of work - yes? So thanks in advance. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Oh, and Now the Fun Begins

Today, I had TWO students emailing me a) to inform me that they would be missing class (although I specifically write on the syllabus NOT to do so) and b) to ask me to tell them what we missed. Neither student is doing that well - the first because he's had some legitimate medical issues this semester, the second because she just doesn't give a shit about the course and doesn't want to learn anything (or at least that is my perception).

I responded, basically,

Dear Student,
What we will be covering in class is listed on your syllabus (as it has been for every other class meeting of the semester).
Dr. Crazy

What I did not respond to in the second of the two above emails was the following:

1) The (Doesn't Give a Shit) student making demands about meeting with me on Thursday (I've said she should do this throughout the semester) - and, of course, it HAS to be Thursday because she's got a paper due for me on Tuesday. I really can't meet with her at her convenience on that day, and so I suggested that perhaps Monday might work for me. So I guess I responded, but I responded in a pretty unhelpful fashion, or at least I will suspect she will interpret it as such.
2) The fact that she called me "Ms. Crazy." Motherfucker. I write Dr. on my syllabus. I introduce myself as Dr. Other students call me Dr. Don't fucking Ms. me!!!! I hate it!!!! I did not go to school for all those years and get into all of that debt to be called other than Professor or Dr.!!!! (Though I suppose it at least wasn't "Mrs." That might have made my head explode.)

What I did not respond to in an email from one of my advisees was the following (an advisee I've yet to meet, by the way):

"Hello Firstname"

I don't care who you are, but unless I tell you that you can call me by my first name, it's Dr. Crazy to you. Especially when I've signed a previous email to you as Dr. Crazy. Not as Firstname. Because you know what, Advisee-whom-I've-never-met? I do not want you calling me "Firstname." But I didn't go off on some diatribe. I just signed my name - pointedly - as Dr. Crazy. If he doesn't get the hint, I suspect he'll call me Firstname in person, in which case I'll tell him that it is my preference that he not call me that.

Dude. Just call me Dr. Crazy. It's not that hard. And don't ask me to tell you what we're covering in class. It's on the syllabus. If you want more detail than that, COME TO CLASS! Ugh.

Ooh, a Meme!

I found this over at New Kid's....

1. Yourself:

changing

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend.....

non-existent

3. Your hair?

blonde

4. Your mother?:

hilarious

5. Your Father:

unavailable

6. Your Favorite Item:

bed

7. Your dream last night:

pleasant

8. Your Favorite drink:

dietcoke

9. Your Dream Car:

huh?

10. The room you are in:

living

11. Your Ex:

weak

12. Your fear:

failure

13. What you want to be in 10 years:

mother

14. Who you hung out with last night?

Man-Kitty!

15. What You're Not?

indecisive

16. Muffins:

sure

17: One of Your Wish List Items:

book

18: Time:

morning

19. The Last Thing You Did:

email

20. What You Are Wearing:

pajamas

21. Your Favorite Weather:

sunshine

22. Your Favorite Book:

harsh

23. The Last Thing You Ate:

coffee

24. Your Life:

unsettled

25. Your Mood:

positive

26. Your best friend (s):

talkative :)

27. What are you thinking about right now?

weather

28. Your car:

toyota

29. What are you doing at the moment?

typing

30. Your summer:

traveling

31. Your relationship status:

fuckoff (Ok, I know that's two words, but I hate these relationship-centric memes. Screw that!)

32. What is on your tv?

forecast

33. What is the weather like?

brisk

34. When is the last time you laughed?

yesterday

Monday, November 13, 2006

On Not Writing

I've got writing I need to be doing. Not writing, really, but polishing. As in making my book manuscript all shiny and fancy in the event that anybody ever is interested in it. I had intended that I would do some work on it today. I didn't.

I'm trying not to beat myself up about this. I had other things that I had to do that were pressing (typing up some minutes for a committee, grading, reading for my class tomorrow, working out, reviewing grad applications for a 7:45 (!!!) AM meeting tomorrow, making shopping lists for thanksgiving as well as for some clothes-shopping I plan to do in the next two days), but I'm still kind of mad at myself for putting the manuscript on the back-burner.

I'm kind of thinking that I'm going to do the realistic thing, which is to put off work on it until later in the week. Thursday I'll be able to get out of the office by 2 PM, and that means that I can spend two hours on it on Thursday. There is nothing wrong with that. Really.

(Why I've put myself in this position where I have to polish the thing while also freaking out in this waiting phase of the job search as well as with the semester careening toward its inevitable conclusion and with having to do thanksgiving next week, I'm not entirely sure. Oh yeah. That's right. This was my brilliant plan that was going to keep my mind off of freaking out about the job market. I'm awesome.)

At any rate, as I need to get up for a 7:45 AM meeting !!!! tomorrow, I will now sign off and take to my bed with The Golden Compass (which, incidentally, I'm pretty enchanted by now that I'm a bit further in. Now that we've got Mrs. Coulter and the Gobblers and all of that, I'm pretty psyched to see what happens next.)

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Musings on Leisure and Productivity

Ok, so as you all know, I had a rockin' - NOT - Friday night in which I worked on syllabi.

But the rest of the weekend was pretty much a wash, work-wise, until about 6:00 tonight. Yesterday, my major accomplishments were going to the gym (which I thought would help with the rage at human beings but it turns out, no, going to the gym just made me more pissed off - I blame the guy who was flying through the parking lot in his pickup truck and almost hit me for the rage not being decreased) and I made one of my favorite meals - haluska, a.k.a. cabbage and noodles. I modified the recipe (for no, I did not use an ENTIRE stick of BUTTER - or even any butter at all - but it still was yummy yummy). I also finally began reading the first in Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials trilogy (verdict's still out on how I feel about it) and took a nice relaxing bath. Today, I had many big plans, but when I realized that by noon I would not actually do anything, I called up BFF and moved up our plans to go to see Borat - which is b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t and I've not laughed so hard at anything in a very long time. All should go and see it. And we got dinner, and then I came home, fed the cat, called my parents to tell them to go see Borat, talked to my best friend from high school on the phone, and here I am.

Since that point I have:
  1. filled out 4 EEOC things and addressed/stamped those that required it.
  2. loaded the dishwasher and straightened up in the kitchen.
  3. straightened up the living room. (All the straightening was done in a multi-tasking while on the phone fashion.)
  4. Took out the trash.
  5. Composed a handout for a talk I'm giving at a local library this week.
  6. Looked at my to-do list for the coming week and updated it (this list is HUGE).
  7. Begun thinking about introducing research writing in my comp. class.
  8. Made a cup of tea.
What I think I've managed, which I can't always do, is that I gave myself permission to have quality relaxation time this weekend, and the fact that I gave myself this permission has upped my productivity in a huge way over the past couple of hours. BFF and I talked about this over dinner - the way that one can tell oneself that one "can't" do anything fun because one "has to" work, but then what ends up happening is that one just spends like 18 hours watching a Flavor of Love marathon or something, and thus at the end of it all just ends up feeling vaguely sick and hating oneself. I've known since graduate school that this isn't healthy, but it's very difficult to give oneself permission to take time for oneself when one is in a self-motivated job. (I imagine this is not unlike what it must be for stay-at-home moms or for people who run their own businesses.) One of the most difficult things for me as an academic is allowing myself to be the me who isn't an academic - to allow myself to decompress. But this weekend, I achieved that. And it is an achievement, and it is necessary, in the end, to doing good work.

Also, I think it's necessary to figuring out what one wants in one's life and who one wants in one's life. I may write about this more later, but when I was on the phone with my mom this morning, I think I had a kind of break-through about one aspect of my life that I've been kind of clueless about. My mom is so awesome. I love that I am as close to her as I am and that I can talk about real things with her. So that's me on this sunday night. I don't have the angst-y sunday feeling and I actually am feeling positive about heading into this work-week, even though it promises to kick my butt. But now I need to go and watch the Iron Chef America battle between Giada DeLaurentis and Rachel Ray, in part because I really am hoping to see Rachel Ray crash and burn because I think that she makes nasty food and I want confirmation of this. (I never make her recipes because they all look lame to me, but I do watch her show religiously as it inspires me to cook. I mean, if she can make the crap that she makes - "stoup" anyone? or how about "sammies"? I mean, come on. Giving something a dumb name does not at all make it something edible - I certainly can make something decent in 30 minutes.

(I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Giada, but whatever. Rachel Ray must go down.)

Edited to Add: Ok, the battle is almost complete. First of all, I am disappointed because in the commercials for ICA, they did not adequately communicate to me that RR and GL would be working as a team with Mario Battali and Bobby Flay. First, I am totally annoyed that they didn't just let them have at it on their own. Why did they need the "big boy real chefs" to assist? Throughout the show, I was really annoyed by how both of the "ladies" acted like they were totally out of their depth, with RR acting like she was totally intimidated by being with the "real chefs" and deferring to MB and GL running around like a frazzled beautiful mess. Annoying.

But who will win? Which chef(s) will reign supreme in the battle of the cranberry?

RR and MB. I'm not sure I even care.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Friday Night, Quality Time with Syllabi

Well. It's Friday night, and I'm having a glass of wine (or two), and I'm working on my syllabi for the spring. Ok, so I don't need to be doing this right this very minute, but there is something about designing a syllabus (or multiple syllabuses, syllabi, whatever) that is a calming pursuit for me. I like making a syllabus, perhaps more than I like a lot of the other parts of the job. There's something so great about the clean slate that a new syllabus signifies, and it's great to remember why one loves teaching certain courses as one updates (and changes) a syllabus from the year before. Also, this activity tonight is definitely inspired by some of the anxiety I've been feeling about the job market. I've gotten a marginally "good sign" from one of the places to which I applied (emphasis on marginally) and this has sent me into a tailspin of worry. I mean, I was fine when I thought I'd just be rejected out of hand by all places - then there'd be nothing to negotiate, you know? - putting carts way before all possible horses, wondering what in the hell I'll do if I have to schedule campus visits (I mean, with the marginally good sign, I've now been worrying over a number of uncontrollable things, like I teach 5 days a week, and I really can't afford to cancel classes with the kind of tight schedule I design in my courses) or how one actually moves a cat to a far-away location, which I realize people have done before, but somehow this causes me great stress. I can't do anything about the cat, but somehow looking at the syllabi allows me to feel like I'm doing something about the campus visit "problem" (which, of course, may not even be a problem, as it's not like I've even gotten a request for a single MLA interview yet, and as I'm superstitious, I entirely believe that I still may not get a one, even though if I don't I'll be really upset, if that makes any sense.) Add to this that my university is starting the process of going up for review for an accrediting body, and so things with the syllabi need to change accordingly. (Aside: fuck learning objectives and learning outcomes and assessment tools, not that I don't have these, but that I hate having to fit what I do explicitly into this stupid model.) And so here I am, working on my spring syllabi, and I'm actually feeling quite calmed by the process.

More than that, though - and this is the real reason for the post - working on my syllabi makes me want to talk about the really great things that I'm thinking about in relation to my literature courses for spring.

First, I am so excited for the upper-division course I'll be teaching. For the first time ever (though superstitious me feels I should probably not say this) I'm not worried about the course making its enrollment. Even though we're early in pre-registration, I've got a good number of students registered, and I credit the advising meeting we held for all majors last month for this. We told them that the meeting was mandatory and a huge number of them actually believed it! And they showed up! At the meeting, we dealt with a number of advising issues, but we also had faculty talk for a minute (or longer, for some of my colleagues) about the upper-division courses they'd be teaching. Now, my spiel about my course wasn't exactly illuminating. I basically said the name of the course, told them they'd read a bunch of things they'd probably never heard of before, and then said, "There are a lot of people here who've had me before, and they can tell you: I'll make you do a bunch of things you don't want to do, but you'll learn a lot! Wow, how many of you will sign up for the course with that pitch?" and then I was done. But they did get a sense of my personality from that, I suppose, and I also suppose that students are getting to know who I am more now that I'm in my fourth year ("knowing" the instructor is a big deal at my university - students take courses often based just on the instructor and not at all on the material - we talk a great deal about our "frequent fliers" - which puts junior faculty at a huge disadvantage in terms of making enrollment). Now, this is such a good sign for me, that the course doesn't seem to be in danger. The texts in my area of specialization tend to be somewhat alienating to this particular student population. I had never anticipated such resistance when I chose my area of specialization because, well, I'm into these things, and my specialization is - one would think - one that would draw students just by virtue of the fact that the stuff I teach is relatively current. I understand the difficulty that, say, medievalists might have in attracting students, but at my university this isn't the case. At my university, students are incredibly compelled by the Canonical and What They've Heard of Before. As I have a fairly sheltered student population, the stuff that I teach seems Foreign and Scary and Hard and - on top of all of that - not Literature-Capital-L. So I've had some difficulty with making enrollments in my upper-division courses. But not so this time! I taught a version of this course a in 2005, but I've changed the course kind of substantially for the spring (to incorporate some things I'd taught in another course that I'll no longer be teaching, mainly), but it's going to be AWESOME. One reason that it will be awesome is that I'm teaching the Novel I've Been Working On Most in my own research in the course, the Novel Related to My Recent Publications. I am so excited to teach this book now that I'm kind of an expert on it. (I taught it last when I was just embarking on scholarship on it, and I have so much more to bring to teaching it now.) I'm also excited by the way I've reorganized the order in which I'm teaching some things, which I think will be more effective than when I taught the course the first time. Finally, I'm excited because Student To Whom I Suggested Graduate School and another Favorite Student From a Previous Course have already enrolled, and so I know that the level of discourse will be really high and interesting.

But weirdly, I am not most excited about my upper-level course. I'm most excited, as I've been since I begun teaching it, by my intro to lit course. (This is one of the reasons I'm somewhat ambivalent about the job search: I really love my intro to lit course, and if I get the kind of job that I've applied for, the likelihood is that I'd never get to teach this course again. That said, would it be a fair trade-off to give up this course to get rid of teaching comp? Probably.) But I digress. I want to talk why I'm excited about my intro to lit course.

Now, I've written about my intro to lit course before. I still believe all of the things that I wrote about it in my previous posts. But I've changed the course substantially for the upcoming semester. 1) I've changed one of the novels that I teach. 2) I've changed one of the plays that I teach. 3) I've moved to using a custom anthology for much of the material of the course, which means that students will need to spend less money and which also means that I've switched a couple of the poems that I'll teach in the course. The short story that I teach is the same; one of the novels is the same; one of the plays is the same; the long poem and the movie is the same. I am so excited to see what will happen with the small changes in texts! Changing them has meant that I've changed the unit titles, and while none of the changes I've made are substantial in terms of teaching things that I'm unfamiliar with (which I do sometimes) I will be teaching things I've never taught before. I hope that these changes will be positive, not only for me but for my students. I really think they will be. As I do this next semester, I'll totally post about it.

But so some final thoughts: Why does moving up in this profession mean moving away from introducing people to literature? Wouldn't it make more sense to have people who are really committed to literature introducing people to it? And why is it that introduction to literature is something that is often not required of people who MAJOR in literature? Don't they need an introduction as well?

Poetry Friday - Wilfred Owen

"Dulce et Decorum Est"

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

***

I always teach this poem right around Veteran's Day. I teach it alongside other World War I poems, including Rupert Brooke's "The Soldier." For as long as I've taught these poems, we've been a country at war.

Students have various reactions. Sometimes they accuse me of trying to impose my politics on them.** Sometimes they talk about how much the poems touch them. Sometimes they can't really say anything. Sometimes these poems cut too close.




**Aside: I think it's quite an achievement to have this accusation hurled at me in the context of a survey of British literature course. Especially since I don't volunteer my views on our current war in the class, as, really, it's a survey of British literature and there isn't really time for that.

Because It's Friday....

It seems right to do a Bloglines Quiz! As seen over at Scrivener's....


What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes

Thursday, November 09, 2006

You Know What's Good?

1. Hunan Noodles. And an eggroll. Mmmmm. Love cheating on healthy eating diet plan.
2. A certain Man-Kitty (who is very meow-y, as he missed me today).
3. Having just four conferences to go! Yippee!
4. Thursday Night TV night.
5. Knowing that after tomorrow I have two days off.
6. Saturday's plan to go to the movies.
7. Naps.

Any number of other things. Oh, and also good were both of my classes this morning, as apparently what I required was that string cheese in order to feel better. And I did get all of those papers graded (with the help of the two students who chose to miss their appointments, and no, I will not be accommodating those students to reschedule them - except for I probably will because I'm a push-over).

I think I'm going to go take a hot bath. And then maybe I'll search around my house for something sweet (as I'm LONGING for something sweet).

Things

  • I have to teach in 25 minutes.
  • I did not get enough sleep last night.
  • I have no energy.
  • I feel slightly sick.
  • In theory, I am having six conferences beginning at 12:45, back-to-back. Problematically, I still have six papers to grade for those conferences, and I teach for the next 3 hours.
  • Did I mention I don't feel good?
  • And yet I'm a little hungry, even though I ate breakfast.
  • Maybe I'll have some cheese.
  • Dammit! My string cheese package had a malfunction and I can't open it!
  • Ah, fixed it. Now am eating cheese.
  • Have to teach poems about suicide, death, and the atrocity of war today. Fun times.
  • Why can't I just go back to bed?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Grading, an Odious Task

Oh yes, it's that time again. In theory, I need to grade 8 papers for conferences tomorrow. Well, actually that's not in theory. The conferences are scheduled, and I have to have those 8 papers graded for those conferences. I've graded two. But do I need to grade the rest of those papers tonight?

Devil on Crazy's Shoulder: Oh, Crazy, don't grade those papers tonight. You will be more efficient if you put it off until tomorrow morning.
Angel on Crazy's Shoulder: Don't listen to that Devil, Crazy! He lies! He lies!
DCS: No, Crazy, listen to me. Grading expands to fill the time available. If you wait until tomorrow morning, you will whizz - I say, whizz - through those papers!
ACS: No! You will oversleep and then you will freak out and then you won't really read the papers carefully and you'll inflate the grades because you won't feel comfortable giving them the grades they deserve!
DCS: Wow, ACS, you don't really have any faith in Crazy, do you? I know that I believe that Crazy would never be such a slacker. She will wake up at 5 AM!
ACS: Do you even know Crazy?
Crazy: Hey, ACS, I resent that!
ACS: I'm just telling it like it is. I know the truth hurts, but just because I'm an angel doesn't mean that I'm here to make you feel all warm and fuzzy and loved.
DCS: I love you, Crazy. And I believe in you. I think that the negativity of ACS is really bringing you down. And in the frame of mind you're in, how can you really be objective and assign students the grades that they've earned on their papers? I mean, won't you in your current cranky mood punish them unfairly with your poison red pen?
ACS: Are you kidding, DCS? Haven't you even glanced at those papers? I mean, the assignment required abstract thinking. They deserve a reality check about what that means!
Crazy: God, you two are exhausting.
DCS: See, that's why you should call it a night!
ACS: See, that's why you should stop procrastinating and get busy grading!
DCS: You're such a kill-joy, ACS. How about a compromise?
ACS: There are no acceptable compromises!
Crazy: But what about -
ACS: Don't you try to smoothe-talk me, Crazy! I know what you're going to say! You're going to say that you can finish up two more and then do the rest in the morning! Not acceptable!
Crazy: Why, ACS, that's a great idea! I'd never have thought of that!
ACS: But I didn't mean -
DCS: I like the way you think, ACS. You may not be so bad after all.
Crazy: Well, if everybody's in agreement.
ACS: I really -
Crazy: Shut up, ACS.

Crazy and Stress

I've been thinking a lot lately about what stresses me out and about how I handle stress.

Yesterday, I got some marginally good news. Last night, I tossed and turned and had a horrible night's sleep. Racing mind. Freaked-out thoughts. It seems that I am most stressed out when good things happen to me. Unlike most people, who view good news, however marginal, as, I don't know, good, it sets me into a crazy spiral of freaking out. That's item #1.

The second thing I've been thinking quite a bit about is that I don't complain very much when I've got a lot going on. If a bunch of bad shit is happening, I go all pragmatic and calm, and really I'm good at handling things in a crisis. That said, when I'm stressed out (which of course happens when things are going well but have the potential to change and/or are in the middle of change, but because the situation would look positive from the outside people don't really understand that I will become stressed out in the given situation), I do tend to overreact to things and/or to be kind of bitchy. People don't know what to make of this because I don't really complain much, so then they think that the way I'm acting is about how I feel about them. (This goes a long way toward explaining my role in the demise of my last Super-Serious-Relationship, which, incidentally, was the last time I was on the market.) I suppose it's good not to spend one's life complaining, but I'm thinking that perhaps if I complained a little more then people wouldn't be so confused by my erratic and bitchy behavior. That's item #2.

Not sure what to say about any of this, but as I'm still feeling a little on edge this morning, I thought maybe posting about it would help.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I'm Not a Feminist, But....

One of my upper-division students came to me with an idea for her research paper, and she presented the idea with the caveat: "I don't want the paper to be overly feminist... it's so cliche."

Now, of course, I busted out with the "I'm not sure what 'overly feminist' really means" and feminist critique of literature is not a "cliche," but the fact of the matter is that my students really do resist the label "feminist" - don't want to do "feminist" work, don't want to be called "feminists" - and I'm wondering whether this doesn't have something to do with the dominant feminism or feminisms that they encounter.

That's right - dominant feminism(s), which might sound like an oxymoron. Isn't it true that feminism is about dismantling hierarchies and structures of oppression? Isn't it true that feminism is "the radical notion that women are people"? Isn't feminism the antithesis of domination?

Except, for many of my students, that isn't what feminism is. Feminism is something that tells them that their religious beliefs are wrong. Feminism is something that tells them that their mothers and grandmothers and maybe even they themselves are oppressed. Feminism is something that tells them that sexism is everywhere and that they should be suspicious of men. Feminism is something that insists on righteous anger and indignation on the part of women.

Now, when I was a student, I think that I embraced a lot of these things about Feminism (capital-F) because I wanted desperately to rebel and I was intrigued by the idea fighting for my liberation. I liked accusing my mother of being complicit in her oppression and accusing my father of misogyny. It was my thing. Kind of like how it was my thing when I was in high school to correct my parents' grammar. See, for me embracing Feminism (capital-F) was as much about rejecting my working-class roots as anything else. And so, at least to start, I embraced a very upper-middle-class version of feminism.

But as I became freakishly over-educated, and as I saw a bit more of the world, I realized that the upper-middle-class feminism of my peers would never really be my own. For one thing, the whole notion of "choosing" not to work just does not compute for me. The only people in my family who "choose" not to work are on welfare. Both of my grandmothers worked, and my mother has always worked. In other words, "working" is not a "choice' or something one does "for the experience" (as one of my friends' mothers said to my mother when my friend and I were in high school - my mother replied, "Oh, Crazy won't work for the experience, she'll work for the money"). And I have trouble bemoaning the way that I'm compensated in this feminized field of mine, blaming the patriarchy for my salary or for the kind of benefits I receive or whatever, because the reality is that I make more money than most of the people I know, and so I feel kind of rich, comparatively. And finally, I guess I have trouble with some versions of Feminism (capital-F) because they leave out so many women's experiences, and it makes so many women feel judged because they don't conform to certain "feminist" ideals.

And, in fact, it's all of that stuff (I think) that can make some students respond to feminism as if it's played out, a cliche, something that is just totally uninteresting or not for them. I think for many of my students feminism is reserved for privileged yuppies who don't have better things to do with their time, and it's - maybe more than anything else - boring and silly, a waste of time. I'm not saying that these students are right - I don't think that they are - but I do think that this view of things comes from somewhere, and I don't think the only place it comes from is "patriarchy."

So the question is this: to what extent is it my responsibility to show them different versions of feminism? To what extent must feminism to reconcile itself to different kinds of belief systems (conservative religious or political beliefs, for example) in order not to exclude whole groups of women from a feminist agenda? To what extent is it the role of feminist professors, who probably have the most contact with not-yet-feminist women, to show them that feminism is, in fact, "for" them, even if those women have a lot of voices in their lives that contradict dominant feminisms with which they are familiar?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Did I Really Need More Tall Boots?

Well, apparently I did. Today, I bought this pair of space-Pocahontas-suede boots (my apologies for the crappy picture)






and this pair of dark brown boots.


The awesome part? I spent just 75 bucks for both pairs. Not 75 bucks each. And both pairs are totally comfortable.

In other news, the Weekend Without People has been quite good, though I do think that yet one more day without people really is going to do the trick. I'm so excited that I can have a Monday Without People tomorrow that I could cry with joy.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I Think I'm Lying to Myself....

Ok, so at the moment, I'm making risotto. Right now I'm doing the rice part, and at the end I'm going to mix in some chicken (and apple/ham/and maybe some peas or broccoli or something so as to have another vegetable....), the plan being that this will make it more of a meal than a side-dish). Anyway, the point here, is that I'm fairly certain that every single one of the ingredients below is allowed on the South Beach Diet, phase two.

Here are the ingredients:

  • Chicken Stock (organic)
  • Short-grain brown rice
  • one medium onion
  • about 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 1/2 cup of dry white wine
  • probably like 8 oz. baby portobello mushrooms, trimmed
  • 1 apple, peeled and chopped
  • boneless/skinless chicken breast
  • maybe 4 slices of ham from the deli (that were in my fridge, so I figured, hey, that's yummy with chicken)
  • A little bit of parmesan cheese (maybe 1/4 cup, and given that this will make about 6 servings....)
And yet, how is it possible that the above is diet food? It's totally not, right? And this is where it becomes clear to me that risotto is infinitely more than the sum of its parts.... Ah, love the risotto.

(That said, you'll notice I no longer use real and perfect actual butter in the dish nor do I use as much cheese as I did once upon a time nor do I use white short-grain rice, so I suppose it is possible that I've modified the recipe to some extent, thus making the risotto somewhat less sinful. Oh, and I'm not making the risotto as a side to veal, breaded and sauteed delicious veal with a lovely wine sauce. Nor am I serving the aforementioned with gorgeous and sinful maple-syrup-glazed carrots....)

[Edited to Add: Oh. My. God. I don't care if the above is diet food or not. Am in heaven. Could die now and wouldn't, honestly, be too fussed about it. Might lose my mind with the gloriousness of the meal that I cooked. Wonder what I will do with my evening now? Hmmm....]

Friday, November 03, 2006

Poetry Friday - W.H. Auden

"Musee des Beaux Arts"

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.

In breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
1940


Fall of Icarus - Peter Breughel
Landscape with the Fall of Icarus Pieter Breughel c. 1558; Oil on canvas, mounted on wood, 73.5 x 112 cm; Musees royaux des Beaux-Arts de Belgique, Brussels