Minimums, Maximums, and Building a Rep

Both Bardiac and Dean Dad have had posts recently that discuss course enrollments. Enrollments are a tricky issue for many of us, whether the issue is that our courses are too full (and thus we get the many, many emails from students who want to be signed in over the cap) or that they're too empty (and thus face cancellation). Now, in a perfect world, I do feel like this wouldn't necessarily be the problem of individual instructors. In a perfect world (at least my perfect world) I wouldn't have to sing for my supper to get students to sign up, nor would I have to be a big meanie who rejects those who beg for me to let them enroll once the cap is met. But the reality is that this does fall to me in my imperfect world, and it's something I'd not really even considered before landing in a tenure-track job. Actually, I had a conversation with a colleague who is less far along on the tenure-track than I am about this very issue today, and this colleague is particularly frustrated by how these issues are playing out for her. So I thought I'd do a post today about this thing of attracting (and then repelling, if necessary) students.

I think where most of us have the most difficulty in this area is with what Dean Dad called "pet courses" and what I'd call "courses in one's field of specialization." Service courses, regardless of instructor, tend to fill. But what about those courses that don't fulfill general education requirements? What strategies can one employ to make sure that those courses "make," not just because they are fun to teach, but also because they are really important to one's professional development?

Advertising
How much does a flyer really help? Hmm. Well, I think that depends. In my department, we make flyers for all upper-level courses and they go on a bulletin board outside the office before scheduling begins. This is a relatively new practice, and honestly I think the nicest thing about it is that one gets to see all of the cool courses that are being offered all in one place. Does it make a huge difference in terms of attracting students, though? Well, I think that it really can be a benefit for new instructors who don't already have a fan base (as I like to think of those students who follow me around from class to class) and I think it can be a benefit for courses that are brand spanking new and that have absolutely no word of mouth. But is an advertisement going to make your class hit the enrollment minimum? On its own, probably not. Because students make their schedules with a variety of considerations in mind, including things like the instructor, the time of day or the days of the week on which the course meets, workload issues, etc. Ultimately, students don't only choose their classes based on their intellectual interest in a topic or on the pizazz of a sheet of paper.

Administration
More important, then, than one's ability to hawk one's wares is often one's administrators' ability to come up with a rational and workable schedule. A few years ago, my department did an overhaul of the upper-level schedule to make sure that too many competing courses weren't running at the same times of day or that we weren't too overloaded on particular days of the week. We also rationalized course offerings so that there was a better range of content from semester to semester. As far as I can tell, this has hugely improved the chances of all faculty's upper-level courses making their enrollment, but it has been especially beneficial to newer faculty members.

Advising
This, too, is HUGE. Now, in my department we do not make students meet with their individual advisers each semester. And the kind of advising a student gets within the major can vary pretty widely from one adviser to another, as some tend to suggest to their advisees that the advisees should enroll in their own courses (which I suppose is one way to meet one's enrollment minimums, although that leaves a bad taste in my mouth so I don't tend to do it unless my course really is one that the student should take, and if a student has already taken one course with me I discourage them from blindly following me from course to course), some don't really look much at what the student plans to take and just ok whatever they do, whatever. But all is not lost. One thing that really helps is developing relationships with your colleagues and talking to them about what you're planning on teaching so that they think to suggest your course to their advisees. But again, remember that at least in my situation, not all students are getting advising every semester with their individual assigned adviser.

BUT we have started doing this GREAT thing in my department that has helped a LOT with attracting students to courses. We've started holding general advising meetings each semester for all majors and minors, and at those meetings, each faculty member who will teach an upper-level course has the opportunity to introduce themselves and to talk briefly (although some don't keep it brief enough) about what they'll teach in the upcoming semester. This had a dramatic impact on my enrollment situation. One of the problems at my institution is that students tend to take one class with a faculty member and then they stick with that person if they like them. If you're new, that can mean that you're on the chopping block every semester because you don't have enough word-of-mouth to attract students. What standing up and talking for three minutes did for me is that it let students get a sense of my personality and it made them think that the crap I teach might actually be interesting to them. Before we did the meetings, I had no platform from which to do that to the audience that I'm targeting. (We also do other things at these advising meetings, like break-out sessions about study abroad, or applying to grad school, graduation requirements, etc. so the meetings meet a lot of needs in a very short period of time, which is also a great thing.)

Word-of-Mouth
Now, for a new faculty member, this is tricky, and it's tricky for a lot of reasons. One, you're a nobody. People don't know you, and so it's hard for word to get around about you. Two, you probably are getting acclimated to the culture of the institution, so in your first semester or two, you might have difficulty in figuring out where exactly to aim your courses. I know this was a problem for me, coming from my graduate institution (an R1) and ending up at a comprehensive. Three, sometimes it can feel like one is being advised to "be nice" in order to "get students to like you" and that can feel like a path that compromises one's beliefs about one's role as an instructor or about how a class at the university level should be run. What I've found, though, over the past four years, is that even if one gets off to a bit of a rough start (as I did), all is not lost. In part, this is because I really became much more comfortable in my teaching persona, and I think that my comfort and confidence in that has really helped. Second, the students who did like me in spite of the amount of work I expect or whatever really did spread the word to other like-minded students. What this has meant for me is that when students enroll in my courses now, they do have a much better read on what they're getting themselves into and so there's not as much buyer's remorse on their parts. Also, I do tell my students about upcoming courses that I'll be teaching, so I start the ball rolling (I hope) with getting the word out about my courses.

Course Design and Curricular Need
I think that this is why I resisted Dean Dad's terminology when he described such courses as "pet courses." To me, a "pet course" would be one that serves no curricular need but rather that just plays to the interest of the instructor. One of the key things for me has been trying to play to my interests and expertise while still hitting the mark in terms of how those interests and areas of expertise fit into the broader curricular needs of students in terms of requirements. I'm not teaching any single-author courses, folks, and I'm not proposing courses that can't count for some sort of requirement. Maybe when I've been around here so long that I have a fan base in the hundreds I will do that sort of thing - maybe I'll attract them on personality and topic alone - but I'm under no illusions that such a thing is yet possible for me.

But so yeah, I think that those are the key factors in getting people to sign up. Not all are in the individual faculty member's control, but some are. As for what happens when all of that works, though, well, that's another can of worms. That's when the barrage of emails starts, the phone calls, etc. So how does one say no?

Well, I've done it enough times now that I've got an answer memorized. It goes something like,

"Dear Student,
While I'm pleased that you are interested in taking the course, I make it a policy not to sign students into my courses once the enrollment cap has been reached. I encourage you to keep your eye on the course for any openings, as usually there is some movement in the enrollment after the first class meeting. Good luck with the upcoming semester!"

And that's that. And yes, it sucks to turn them away, but if they really want to take a course with you, they somehow find a way to do so, I've found. Maybe not in the semester in which they'd originally wanted to take a course with you, but sooner or later. And so that's the final piece in having consistent enrollments: saying no to those ones who try to get in over the cap in such a way that they try, try again.

Thoughts Two Days into the New Semester

So, I've met with each of my classes one time, I've kvetched with colleagues, I've had a meeting, I've been irrationally irritated at the fascists who administer parking on this campus. The new semester is solidly underway. My thoughts thus far:

Teaching
I'm actually excited about all of my classes. I'm excited about my freshmen for the usual reasons (they are New! and Excited! and New!). I'm excited about my survey because I've revamped the syllabus and changed the books and changed, well, far too much, but I think that it will give me new energy for teaching the course. The last time I taught it, things were beginning to feel a bit stale, and I think changing up some of the texts and the way that I do some assignments is going to breathe new life into the course. Now, obviously I'm doing a lot of the same sorts of things that I've done in the past, but I think the changes that I've made will be interesting both for me and for them. Finally, I'm super excited about my upper-level class. The students seem really into the topic, and while I know there will be glitches because this is the very first time I'm teaching the course, and I think I hit the right note tone-wise on the first day - a tone of "we can have fun but we've got to be smart in the ways that we talk about things and there has to be a core of seriousness to our approach." I'd been a bit worried about that, but all felt good once I got up there in front of them.

I'm also really pleased about the amount of prep that I've managed to do in the past month, even if it was at the expense of some other things that I need to be doing. It means that this semester should be pretty stress-free prep-wise, and I do feel like I need that. I was talking with a friend last night about teaching styles, and I do seem to be a little anal about how I approach syllabus and assignment design. I suppose for me it's important to have a strong plan in place so that I don't freak out. That's not to say that there's no flexibility within the plan, but the plan itself is set in stone. I don't get more than a day behind on a syllabus, and if I do we catch up within a class period or two. I have only in the most rare circumstances cut a text from a course. Deadlines and assignments listed on the syllabus do not change. All of that stuff, for me to be comfortable, needs to be the case. So no, I'm not the sort of "laid-back" professor who let's a class set its own pace. I set the pace, well in advance of students ever entering the picture. Sometimes I wish I were a little less control-freaky in that particular way, but then, when I was a student I hated classes with the laid-back professor who let the class set its own pace. I needed structure then, and apparently I still need it now.

Research:
I can't really think about all of what I'm not doing research-wise. Deadlines (both internal and external) loom, and I know I need to kick it into high gear this weekend and stay in high gear in a pretty sustained way for the next two months. But I'm giving myself permission to focus on teaching until the classes are taking care of themselves and they hit their stride. I can't do all these things at once.

Service:
Hmmm. Well, I gave my chair my preferences for committee work today, and I also have committed to continue to serve on a university committee that I'm on. I'm also, apparently, agreeing to advise a student publication (which I really love and which I really want to continue on in as awesome a fashion as it has over the past couple of years, and I know I'm an idiot for taking this on, but I really do want to do it, at least for this semester - I can bow out if I need to or want to, so this isn't a lifetime commitment or anything). Finally, I'm going to lead a book discussion (just one book, just one meeting) at some point this spring for a community group. Other than that? I MUST SAY NO TO ALL THINGS. Well, all things beyond judging writing contests in the spring, which take no time and are easy service.

Edging Ever Closer to Tenure:
Well, since I've talked about the three areas, I might as well talk a bit about the fact that I am a year away from going up. Now, at my institution we submit a binder Every. Single. Year. So I know exactly what is required, exactly how to put the thing together - actually, it's ALREADY put together, and I just need to add, year after year, and to tweak the statements. Can I just say that I think this is a brilliant way to deal with the tenure and promotion process, even if it is extra busy-work throughout one's time on the tenure track? Because, sure, it's a pain in the ass, but it completely demystifies the process. And that's the thing about my university, really: it's not really one where mystification is the norm. Perhaps type of institution plays into this, but I really think it's a special thing about this particular place. Not that there aren't irritating things about the place, as all places are irritating, but there is a transparency here that is really, really great. On top of that, I really do have great colleagues, in that we truly are a collegial bunch and in ways that are above and beyond saying hi in the hallway. The best example I can give is that a colleague of mine has been dealing with a difficult family situation, and my entire department has come together to make meals for the colleague's family and to provide a kind of support that I just don't think happens in most departments. This may not be a place that's particularly good at welcoming newcomers or at providing social support in other kinds of ways, but when it really counts, people here are really good-hearted and kind people (and I use those words consciously). It won't be the worst thing in the world (and in fact could be a good thing) if I get tenure here and make my career at this place (because I really do think that I'd be reluctant to leave if I don't do it pre-tenure). I'm keeping my options open because it's stupid not to do so, but I'm happy here now in a way that I just wasn't last year at the same time. I'm in a much more centered place, both with the job and with my life outside the job. All of that is something I'm ultimately really grateful for, because wow did it suck to feel like I wasn't centered and like I had to find a way out.

Social:
You'd think with all of the above that I have no time for a social life right now. Not so! I've got plans for coffee Thursday, I'm going out on Friday - and who knows what plans might materialize in weeks to come! And on top of all of that I've got a vibrant long-distance social life via the telephone! (Speaking of which, Medusa and I have been talking about the need to stage a happy hour at one or the other of our blogs soon, while we're on the phone with each other, of course, so the long-distance social life may also go global!) So never fear, faithful readers, Crazy is not a total workaholic, just a partial one.

So those are my thoughts on this Tuesday night, with the semester well under way.

Creatures of Habit

While it's true that the re-entry into the semester isn't the easiest thing in the world, it's also amazing how easy it is to slip back into the routine of it. Perhaps this is to do with the fact that I've had pretty much the same schedule for the past 5 semesters or so, and so now, even after the months without the schedule in the summer (I've decided I'm never going to say "summer off" again, as if I don't want people to imagine me off lazing on a beach then I really shouldn't give the impression that I am) the schedule of the semester actually feels "normal" after just a day. Apparently, the same is true for my darling little Man-Kitty, who's back to his normal routine, including begging me for treats as he sees that I'm attempting to get my crap together to leave the house. Spoiled little shit. He is cute, though. How could anyone resist his charms? I think people who don't find him utterly adorable might have something wrong with them.

I mean, look at him! He's all Back-to-School Man-Kitty! Bookish and regal one moment, attempting to steal away in my book-bag the next!

Rage

Probably not the emotion with which one should start the semester, but alas, it is the emotion I have felt most often today. Parking. Grrrrr. I also, however, felt satisfaction with a meeting that I had as well as a teensy bit of excitement about my class that I taught. On the afternoon's agenda:

Now: Lunch

Following lunch:

• Update blackboard
• Lecture(s?) for tomorrow
• Overdue revisions
• Gym (hopefully to sweat out some of the rage that courses through my veins)

I then plan to collapse. God, the reentry is hard.

RBOC: First Day of School Edition

• You know what sucks? That I STILL get that night-before-the-first-day-of-school feeling, which means I don't fall asleep until like two hours after I want to do so on the night before the first day of school, even though I've been doing this for THIRTY FULL YEARS NOW (if we count nursery school). And yes, I get a mild case of it in spring semester, but this fall nonsense is totally out of control.
• (Warning: this bullet is totally disgusting.) For the past 3 days I've been battling what my friends and I refer to as a "cigarette burn zit." This variety of facial affliction, in case you for some reason don't know what I mean, starts out below the surface of the skin and is quite painful. You may even resort to hot compresses, because it seems to just grow and grow with the passing days and you fear that if you don't bring the thing to a head that it might take over your whole face (this thing first began appearing like a week ago). And it doesn't quite come to a head, but you think to yourself around day 3 or 4 that it wouldn't hurt to mess about with it a bit. It then becomes a bizarre combination of pimple and irritated dry skin, which closely resembles the burn of a cigarette, and you then begin applying neosporin to it hoping that it will make it go away, but still you've got this thing that looks like a cigarette burn in the middle of your face. And it's hard to cover up because the skin is so dry. Except maybe still it's better than a huge lump in the middle of one's face? In other words, I look awfully pretty for my first day of school. And it's all my own fault because we all know better than to pick at our faces.
• Except of course that picking at one's face is something that I also tend to do when I'm anxious (see bullet #1).
  
• I have so much to do that I'm feeling awfully overwhelmed. Must be careful not to pick fights with people, as that's something I do in times such as these, without even realizing I'm doing it. (And yes, Mountain Man, that's a veiled apology for how I ended our conversation last night, because I know I was a jackass, especially after you'd sweetly listened to me freak out and tried in your way to make me feel better.)
• I hate all of my clothes.
• Wow! I'm being awfully negative in this post. Wonder where all of this is coming from? Ah, it is the start of PMS time! This explains a HUGE amount. In other words, I shall be less cranky in just one week's time. Hurrah!
• Ok, time to jump in the shower and to make my way to my first class of the school year. Please send good traffic/parking vibes my way, for I shall need them!
  

I Mean, Bless His Heart! Whatever!

Of late, I've had a number of conversations with various friends about relationshippy type things. What's going on with all of the women in Crazy's life?

Friend #1: Friend #1 has been seeing this guy for like 7 months, and they got into a spat over a stupid thing, he proceeded to pout and to ignore her, and so she chose, thinking that it would stop things from escalating and making a mountain out of a molehill, to go home that evening. He then got all pissed off and angsty at her for "leaving," even though he wouldn't talk to her when she was there. The molehill thus became a mountain, but I think it's all smoothed over now.

Friend #2: Friend #2 has been sort of seeing this guy, and they're attracted to each other, have a lot in common, whatever, but he can't be in a relationship with her because all he wants to do is have sex with her (although they've not, actually, had the sex). Apparently desire is a deal-breaker for him? He'd rather be with somebody with whom he doesn't want to have sex?

Friend #3: Friend #3 started seeing a guy like three weeks ago. They talk on the phone every night for hours, and they've been out a number of times. Every time they're out, he's all "I'm going to make out with you in public to claim territory" but things have yet to progress beyond first base behind closed doors. She is confused.

Friend #4: Friend #4 got a call out of the blue from Larry Lothario, with whom she's had dealings over the past four years. She'd thought she'd finally gotten him out of her system, and so (stupidly) agreed to meet him for dinner and a drink, just to show that she'd moved on. One thing led to another (and he was all, "I love you and I miss you") and the following day it was revealed that he had another kid a year ago and he lied to her and said that the kid was his niece - not his own fucking kid. When she called him on the lie, he then said that it was the mother of his first kid's child, but that it wasn't his and he only goes around telling the whole town that it's his daughter so that people won't think the mother of his other kid is a whore. I think that this person is truly, truly evil.

My friends are all awesome women, all smart and successful and great. So tonight, I was having yet another conversation, with Friend #5, about life and love, etc., and at one point she busted out, exasperated, with the sentiment that makes the title of this post, which made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean, what's the deal with all of these guys with their angst and woe? Their baggage, and their commitmentphobia, and their strange ideas about sex and relationships? Bless their hearts, but whatever.

Sunday Morning

Good morning, readers! I don't actually have much to write today, as yesterday was spent in an orgy of doing absolutely nothing of any value (including watching a most excellent movie on Lifetime: Television for Women entitled "I Me Wed" that you really should check out if ever it should air again) and then I went to bed early-ish, and I had yet another BIZARRE dream. (In this one, I lived with my mom, and she was going out with this pseudo-ex of mine, for apparently she was not married to my stepdad, but I liked my pseudo-ex, and somehow my childhood dog lived with me, too, and so first the pseudo-ex and I decided to give it a go, but then my childhood dog shit all over the place, so a lot of the dream from that point was spent on clean-up and stain-removal, and then the pseudo-ex's sister was there - though this makes no sense because he doesn't have a sister in real life - and somehow it was revealed that he had been dating my mom but that he actually wanted to go back with me, which was all very odd because he was in my bed as all of this was being discussed. Strangely, my mom didn't seem too heartbroken over the whole thing. And then I woke up.) But yeah, so then I woke up because my mom called me, and now here I am drinking some coffee and wondering what I shall do with my day. I promise that this will not become a blog wherein I just record my dreams, as with school starting tomorrow I should have a wealth of material at my fingertips. A wealth, I say! Perhaps more later, perhaps not.....

Ok, So I Don't Normally Post about Dreams

But last night I had one in which I was going to get refreshments after having been in some long meeting, and thus following a line of people to the refreshment area, and apparently Rudy Giuliani had also been in the same meeting because he was behind me in line and he totally molested my butt. Obviously, my dream self did not enjoy this inappropriate attention, and so she wheeled around to freak out on the offensive butt-toucher, but then she realized it was Rudy Giuliani and everything got all confused because my dream-self was on the one hand still angry but also felt the need to be weirdly polite because of the "celebrity" of good ol' Rudy.

Discuss.

Stuff

First of all, thanks everybody for the happy birthday wishes! All in all it was a fine 33rd birthday, including many phone calls from all my peeps, cards, presents, revelry, just all the things that any good birthday should include. There was only one little negative spot in the birthday wishes - one person who just totally botched the enthusiastic celebration of me that my birthday should be, but you know, in the grand scheme of life, this is not ultimately that big of a deal. (And yes, I really do know that, even though on the day I responded in a much less laid back way.)

But so yes, there's that. In other news, I have just 2 1/2 days more of freedom, as classes start on Monday, and so as I'm always to do things at the last minute in a kind of massive effort of denial, I've got plans to go out tonight with Naomi, and that will be awesome.

Until then, I think I'll clean up around the house and relax, and then tomorrow and Sunday I shall get myself mentally and emotionally ready for the start of the semester.

So that's the story in the aftermath of the big birthday. Thanks again for the happy birthday wishes!

'Twas the Night Before Crazy's Birthday...

So tonight BFF took me out for the "Birthday Kick-Off Dinner" and it was excellent and good fun and just fabulous. Can I just say how happy I am to have BFF here and that she's my friend? And she had a really shitty day today, so I'm even more appreciative of how awesome she was to me in celebration of the Jesus Birthday. Incidentally, she got me a GREAT card. It a) recognizes the Jesus Birthday as one of Great Religious Significance AND b) invokes my love of all things Celebrity, including the Religions of Celebrities. On top of the card it says "The Church of Briantology" and on the bottom of the front it says, "Not totally satisfied with any of the world's religions, Brian decided to go out on his own." Inside, it reads: "May Brian bless you on your birthday and always." Teehee! I also got a great card from Jezebel yesterday. The picture has a girl at a bar, with a word bubble in which she says "Hola, Waiter! Uno more margarita, por favor!" Below, it reads, "For whatever reason, Carol always thinks she's "bilingual" when she's hammered." Inside, "Hope your birthday is muy bueno." I love my friends. I have great fucking friends.

So I don't have any big plans for this, the Jesus Birthday. I'll go to the salon, I'll (annoyingly) go to campus to drop some shit off that I couldn't deposit today, and other than that, I am FREE! FREE as a bird! I shall do whatever I decide whimsically to do. I think that's a GRAND way to spend the day. What's insane is that I'm really in the mood to work on the book. But you know, I think I probably will resist the impulse to follow that particular whim. It's my birthday for Brian's sake!

Juggling

This post is an offshoot of the one that I wrote about the need to protect one's time, and in large part it is inspired by this commentary at The Grad Life. It's also inspired by some of the comments that people have left on my blog and elsewhere about these issues, and also by this comment that Manorama made in a post that was more generally about workload:

"BUT...what puzzles me, then, is the abundance of stuff we read in the blogosphere about how time-consuming it is to be on the tenure track, how it sucks up your life, etc. I'm not saying that less time demanding equals less challenging, but all this time I've carried around the impression that my life is going to be hell when I get the job I want. I've even told some of my friends when we marvel at how busy we are and how buried in work we are that "It's only going to get worse--this is like boot camp for when we find jobs." Maybe all this time I have been inflicting this upon people without knowing what I was talking about...only I read what I was talking about from profs on the tenure track!"

What is striking to me is how much of a divide there seems to be between grad students' expectations about the profession and what professors do or should do (and I include my own expectations that I'd had as a grad student in that description) and what professors perceive as "common knowledge" about the day-to-day grind. And I think that the gap between these two perspectives leads to a lot of miscommunication and misinterpretation on both sides. So, the point of this post is to attempt to articulate my experiences with the different roles of this job that I've got, as somebody who is on the tenure-track and not-yet-tenured, at a state university that emphasizes teaching, who is in the humanities. Let me say for the record that I am decidedly not speaking for All Professors here - just for myself. It would be great if this gets a dialogue going where people from other disciplines, other kinds of institutions, other perspectives in the promotion and tenure hierarchy (including adjuncts, full-time instructors, VAPs, etc.) threw in their two cents as well. The point here for me is not to paint One True Picture of life on the tenure-track, but I suppose it is to clarify some things that I think I tend to assume are implicit in what I write on the blog but that don't come across to the entire audience of the blog.

When I was in graduate school, one of my mentors told me a version of what Manorama's quote above describes: that if I thought grad school was hard/time-consuming, that life as an assistant professor would be 10x that. This, for me, has been true in many ways, though I think that requires explanation. Graduate school for me was intense and grueling. I am not going to deny that. But it was intense and grueling in ways that were decidedly different from the ways in which the job now is intense and grueling. It's that difference that makes being on the tenure-track more difficult, in my estimation.

So what are the differences?

1. Social networks.

• One thing about grad school is that one has a ready-made cohort of people with whom to discuss one's work and with whom one can socialize. One enters at the same time with a group of other people, and one has a common experience with that group of people. Even if you don't like every person in your cohort, you do speak a common language, at least to some extent, if only because you're taking the same courses with the same instructors. In addition, there is a strong likelihood that there will be one or more people generally working in the area in which you focus your research. Finally, everybody in graduate school basically has the same primary goal: to finish the program successfully. Even if there are differences between you (plans for after the degree, family situations, hobbies, whatever), every person's primary focus is that degree, otherwise they wouldn't be in graduate school. Now, the group-think and paranoia that can result from that can be a burden, and I remember in grad school longing for "regular conversations with normal people that have nothing to do with work."
  
• When one enters a job on the tenure-track, one likely has moved to a part of the country where one has little-to-no social network in place, and one typically does not enter with a cohort of people with whom one will have any sort of common experience. Unless one is in a huge department, it is likely that you will be the only person who works on whatever it is you work on. Moreover, people do not necessarily have goals that in any way resemble each other: some people are focused on raising children, some people are focused on hobbies outside of the job, some people are focused primarily on teaching, some people are focused on research interests, etc. And perhaps most importantly, when you enter a job on the tenure track, while your department may be quite friendly in a professional sort of way, people have their own lives and priorities and becoming your new best friend probably is not high on the list. So you get plopped down in a place where you likely do not have family or friends, and you have to invest time in developing a social life that you just did not need to spend when you were in graduate school. One of the difficulties in managing how to do this, at least for me, has been that up until I got this job I'd pretty much let my social life take care of itself and used most of my energy on my academic life. If you do that at the expense of your personal life once you get on the tenure-track, it can lead to profound unhappiness. The problem is, graduate school trained me to efface my personal needs in favor of my academic pursuits, and so it's required a kind of rewiring of my internal hardware in order to allow myself to make my personal life a priority.

2. Teaching

• I taught independently throughout graduate school, and I also TA'd in large lecture courses. My work in the classroom was twofold: to teach students (obviously) but also to learn how to be an effective teacher. While obviously there were some administrative tasks that were under my purview, particularly in the courses that I taught independently, the buck did not stop with me. If there was a problem with a student, I had the support of "real" faculty who would step in should the need arise (for example, with plagiarism cases, conflicts with student behavior, grade disputes, etc.). Moreover, the number of students for whom I was individually and solely responsible never exceeded 30 or so. Finally, teaching was always regarded as secondary to research, as what gets one a PhD is not, in fact, teaching, but rather writing one's seminar papers, passing one's comps, and writing one's dissertation.
• In my current job, I am independently responsible for approximately 90 students per semester, not counting advisees (if I don't have a course release). I do not have TA's. The buck stops with me for all administrative tasks. By Spring 2008, I will have developed approximately 10 new courses. Teaching as a whole does not take less time than when I was a graduate student, but certain tasks associated with teaching now take less time because if they didn't, I would be either insane or dead. Teaching technically counts more than anything else toward tenure at my institution, but while this is the official party line, good teaching alone will not get a person tenure here. There are no awards for excellent teaching available for junior faculty. So the expectations for junior faculty in this regard can be muddy, for if one spends too much time on teaching, one is often advised that one should assign less, etc., but if one does not perform well on evaluations, one will be criticized for not devoting enough time to teaching (and often this criticism will be couched in terms like, "maybe you're spending too much time on research"). It should be noted that none of this has anything to do with actual time spent, but more with hitting a kind of middle-range with one's teaching, which can be difficult to do in one's first year or two when one is still getting used to institutional norms and expectations.
  

3. Service/Meetings/Etc.

• Service was barely on the radar for me as part of this profession when I was in graduate school, and I say that as a person who actually made an effort to do a few service activities just to have them on my CV. While I was vaguely aware that I would have to serve on committees and advise students, I really had only half a clue about this component of the job. And the few "service" things that I did do as a graduate student took maybe one or two hours a month.
• Oh holy hell. Service now. Where do I even begin. First of all, all service is not created equal, and depending on one's institution, some service "opportunities" count more than others. For example, at my university "service to the community" is a big thing. That doesn't mean that one can skip out of other "service," which includes things like serving on department committees, university committees, professional organizations within the discipline, reviewing articles for journals, advising students (although many places now try to place this under the teaching heading), writing letters of recommendation for students, advising student organizations, judging student writing contests, requesting new acquisitions for books and other materials at the library, and god only knows what else. Oh, and while this doesn't count as service, one also needs to attend things like department meetings, campus events, etc. It's all about "visibility." (Note that in grad school people often expect you to be kind of invisible because it means you're writing.) I'm going to estimate that during the academic year I spend at least as many hours on this sort of stuff as I do in the classroom.

4. Research

• In graduate school, research was the thing. Research is ultimately the point of a PhD. While there are anxieties associated with this, it also means that one can maintain certain periods of long and intense focus on research, and that such activities are rewarded. One is expected to be reading, expected to be thinking, expected to be writing. And everybody else is doing that same thing alongside you, so it does not necessarily have to be a tremendously isolating experience (though of course, it sometimes still is). I had space in which to think about research in complicated and intense ways in graduate school.
• Research now... well, it means a lot of other things for me now that it just didn't mean when I was in graduate school. First, research is an essential part of keeping my job. Yes, there are tenured faculty at my institution who received tenure without any publications, without conferences. But that was in days gone by. The requirements are changing, and have changed even since I first arrived here, and there is no grandfathering where tenure requirements are concerned. What this means is that, because one can't predict in year one what the requirements will be in year six when one goes up, that one must maintain at least a minimal level of research productivity throughout one's years on the t-t, whatever advice one might receive from senior colleagues who claim that research is not important. It is also helpful to try to remain under-the-radar as much as possible with one's research accomplishments, in order not to alienate those same senior colleagues who will evaluate one for tenure even though they may have fewer research accomplishments than one has. But ok, so what might a minimal level of research productivity look like? Let's say it's two conference presentations a year and one or two articles in peer-reviewed publications. Not much, right? But. Let's say one chooses just to do that bare minimum. Will one have any potential to get another job should something go wrong come tenure time (which it still could, of course) or if one wants to move to another job? At least in English, your chances would be dramatically reduced, especially if you hoped to move to a better institution than your current one. But, you say, what if you have no interest in getting a new job? That minimal research agenda can still hurt you because the reality is that one of the few ways to increase one's base salary is to get an offer from another institution and to negotiate with your current one to keep you. Moreover, research matters in terms of maintaining one's own reputation in the profession, and one of the reasons why I wanted to be an academic - and not "just" a teacher - is because I care about being part of a scholarly community, and let's not forget that it's membership in that scholarly community that makes letters of recommendation that I write for students or mentorship that I am able to offer them more meaningful.

But so the thing is this: In order to do all of that, I've had to learn to be somewhat mercenary in the way that I prioritize different tasks and in the time that I allot for different tasks that together make up the entirety of this job. During the academic year, I'd estimate that I "work" somewhere around 50 hours a week. This may be less work *time-wise* than the amount of hours that I "worked" during the academic year in graduate school, but part of the reason why I think that this is possible is that what counted as "work" in graduate school (for example, reading the equivalent of 3 novels plus secondary material a week when I was in coursework) a) I no longer do or b) I no longer "count" as work because it feels like a welcome break from all of the other stuff that I'm juggling. I also think that certain tasks for which I allowed much more time in graduate school (for example, I'd spend 30-45 minutes on each paper that I graded) no longer get that kind of time. For me now, it's all about whittling down each task to the least amount of time possible that I can spend on it and still do a half-way decent job. It's all about keeping all of the balls in the air simultaneously, about juggling, about attempting to balance my personal needs with the needs not only of my students but also of my colleagues, my department, my institution, my discipline, my research obligations (and notice, those do not count as personal needs). And this, I think, is why professors might bitch about things like receiving multiple needy emails from students (or colleagues, because I suspect we all get our fare share of those as well), last-minute meetings, unexpected committee assignments, students who expect to receive extensions without clearing it with the professor first, students who want their hands to be held at every step along the way, or new policies that come down from on high that require more paperwork or more assessment or more documentation of some bureaucratic minutiae: it's because any time one of those things happens, it's like somebody threw yet another ball into that collection of balls that we all are juggling, and every time that happens, the whole operation threatens to come crashing to the ground. And if that happens, one can feel like one's whole career is on the line. And so yes, that is frustrating, and anxiety-producing, and people may feel the need to vent about that stuff.

Professors are not merely bitching because their precious vacation time (or evenings, or weekends, or whatever) is interrupted. And they're not bitching because they don't care about students or they don't care about their jobs. And they're not merely lounging atop their PhDs getting a free ride when the rest of the world is off working.

Now students (undergrads or graduate students) may say, "but we're juggling, too!" I'm not saying that you're not. I'm not saying that I didn't. But the reality is that when I was a student, I felt like I was juggling maybe 5 balls at any given time. Now I feel like I'm juggling about 15. And part of any frustration I feel related to that comes from the perception on the part of many (both inside and outside academia) that I only, in fact, am juggling one ball - the ball that relates to students.

What seems apparent to me as I edge ever closer to tenure is that students, while they may be the "reason" for institutions such as mine to exist (particularly in a customer-service model of higher education), are not the only raison d'etre for the professor. Indeed, my job includes a hell of a lot more than "serving students" in the conventional sense (office hours, time spent in classroom, correspondence with or related to students, meeting with advisees). At least at my institution, the only employees who have that single mission are adjuncts or non-tenure-track faculty, and that is only if they do not aspire to tenure-track positions in higher education.

Now again, let me reiterate: It is important to note my specific context here. I am not saying that this is the one true picture of what it is to be a college professor. Moreover, let me just state for the record that I would not trade this job for another. I didn't write this post to complain about how hard my life is, or to say that this career is the most demanding or any other such nonsense. The fact of the matter is, I have a great deal of control over my working life, which is the benefit that occurs alongside the frustrations that may come from needing to juggle so many competing demands. I'm challenged by my job, and I continue to feel passion for what I do. My job allows me - in fact requires me - to have an intellectual life. Those are not small things, and I know that they're not. But if we're going to have a discussion about how professors should treat students or about how professors spend their time, I feel like we've got to get specific about what this job actually involves. And I feel like most of the time, those specifics are absent from the conversation.

Two Down, One to Go

One week from today, teaching begins. Two of my three syllabi are done. I've also written a bunch of my assignments for the semester, and I've done a good amount of reading so that I won't have to do it during the actual semester while I'm teaching (other than to skim through and refresh myself, of course). All of this falls under the heading of "not-writing-my-book," but I figure that since I've done all of this advance work that I shall be able to catch up with the book stuff once the semester is underway. (Not that I haven't done book-related work, but I've not done the really hard stuff that I should have been doing over the past couple of weeks.)

I suppose that now is as good a time as any to do some goals for the coming semester, as the start of the school year always puts me in a goal-making mood. And it's good to write the goals down, as then one has a better chance of actually accomplishing said goals. So. Here we are with some goals:

Personal:

• Lose weight. Between finishing the book manuscript in the spring, various visitors and travel engagements throughout the summer, and totally falling off the exercise wagon, I've gained back all that I lost in 2006 plus five pounds. This sucks. Also, incidentally, it puts me back at what I like to think of as "dissertation weight," which was also the "weight of a dysfunctional relationship." This is not where I want to be. And thus, subsets of the "lose weight" goal are to work out 4-5 times per week (which should also help with stress) and to get back on the healthy eating regimen (with but one cheat day per week) that helped me lose weight before in the first place (which should also help with energy).
• Get back on the plan with one of my new year's resolutions (I've abandoned the others), which was to learn to make some lebanese dishes. So far, I've only learned how to make one stupid thing. This is sad. Sad, I say. Must learn at least 2 more by year's end.
• In terms of relationships, there are things. I suppose what I want to achieve (should achievement be possible in this realm) is fun with a minimum of drama, and perhaps a bit more definition in certain areas. I'd really like, should such a thing be possible, to be satisfied with this particular area of my life in ways I've not been, well, ever. And I don't want to sacrifice in this area for the job. I've done far too much of that.

Research:

• Finish revisions on collection essay by the deadline(ish).
• Finish revisions on review essay (this week).
• Finish book-related tasks.
• Write MLA paper.
• With all of that being said, I feel like this is a year of tying up loose ends research-wise. The overarching goal is No. New. Projects. The aim, ultimately, is to become a member of what my mom called "The Clean Plate Club" as a kid (which may be why I'm back to dissertation weight?), but in terms of research. I really want to make it so that I have a break in 2008 - a break that lasts for at least a few months. This is only possible if I finish with all of what I list above by the end of 2007.

Teaching:

• My overarching goal with teaching is that I want to be as good a teacher as possible with the minimum investment of time. What this means first and foremost is keeping on track with prep and grading so that I'm efficient without sacrificing quality.
• I want to invest more time in my lit courses with emphasizing writing. One of the things that I think has been missing (or if not entirely missing, has not been terribly present) is emphasis on this in terms of class-time spent on talking about writing about literature, even though it is actually one of the most important things that I want students to come away from my courses feeling competent to do. I think my thought in the past has been that they should be getting that instruction elsewhere - that by the time you are in a college-level lit course that you should "know" how to write about literature. I'm thinking more and more that this is counterintuitive. One thing I've already done in order to try to facilitate this greater emphasis is to cut some literary texts (something I've always been reluctant to do) in order to leave time for this. I'll let you all know how this experiment goes. (I should note that even with cutting some things, I'm still teaching a great many texts in my lit courses and am still probably trying to cram in too much. But dude. Students should totally expect to read until their eyeballs hurt if they're taking literature courses. That's kind of the whole point.)
• I want to remain energized about teaching all of the courses that I teach, rather than indulging in a certain level of petty resentment about teaching things that I hate teaching (ahem, composition) and/or devoting more time and attention to the courses that I "like" best and then letting the others flounder. This will be a challenge, especially with the brand new prep that I'm teaching in the fall (that I am totally in love with, at least in theory).
• Write my syllabus for the new prep that I've got in the spring. I've been toying with this syllabus for a year (since I found out I'd teach this course), and I need to make some decisions and stop tinkering as a way of procrastinating.
  

Service:

• Ok, I'll be honest: my only goal with service is to do as little of it as possible without coming off like I'm not a team player. Thus, I need to say no early and often. This is not easy for me, as I tend to like to volunteer for things more than I probably should. Can I help it that I'm naturally a good department and university citizen? My answer to that question is yes, yes I can.

I think that this is an entirely reasonable set of goals for the fall, if an ambitious set of goals. And so now, back to the Final Syllabus. (God, I love that I'm getting things accomplished today and that it's not yet noon! Love. It.)

Edited to Add: I have finished my syllabi for the fall semester! Hurrah! I also made a hair appointment, so I will look smashing on my birthday! Hurrah! Now, the question is, which items on my to-do list would I like to tackle next?

On the Need to Protect One's Time

First of all, an aside: today I'm much cheerier than I was in last night's post. Thanks for the support of those who commented, and yes, part of it is really just the time of year :)

But what I want to write about is in response to this post over at Manorama's, which is written in response to this post (and the comments) over at Profgrrrrl's. To summarize briefly, Profgrrrrl complained about an incoming advisee who emailed twice within 24 hours, and Manorama noted that the tone (especially of the commenters) was not terribly supportive. (If you want the fuller story, read the two posts.)

At any rate, when I read P-G's original post, I've got to say that my first thought was, "this is why I don't check email when I'm not in town." And then when I read Mano's response, I thought, "hmmm, should professors be more supportive to this kind of student? I don't know."

So first things first. I think that I would have been irritated, as Profgrrrrl was, by this sort of correspondence from a student. Why? Well, the main reason is that this was a grad student, and NOT an undergraduate. If a person is entering grad school, while it's true that they don't know the ropes in many ways, they should at least have a clue about the academic calendar and the fact that professors are often not immediately available in the summer. Now, I understand angst and the desire to make a good impression. That said, by the time I was grad-school-age, I also understood that it would NOT make a good impression to seem needy and impatient. The student could have waited at least a couple of days. That's not to be dismissive of the student's anxiety - it is rather to note that by the time that a person is an adult (as all grad students are) they should have some sense of social protocols for not seeming overbearing and annoying. I'm not talking about the content of the email here, really, just about the time in between the two emails, and the fact that the student (at least from Profgrrrrl's report) wasn't terribly tactful in resending the email (at the very least the student might have explained why he/she was concerned that the email didn't go through and apologized in advance if the prof. was getting two identical emails). That said, Manorama is spot on when she writes: "Profgrrrrl was on vacation and could simply put the e-mail, and NGS's worries, completely out of her mind until it was a better time to respond." That's the beauty of email. One doesn't need to respond immediately.

Except it's important to note here: there was a time when I would have been much more irritated by such a situation, because I would have felt badly for not responding. What has happened to me, in four years on the tenure track, is that I no longer get irritated by such things because I no longer feel a responsibility to respond in a timely fashion, or to respond substantively in a timely fashion. I suspect, that whenever Profgrrrrl does respond to this student, that she'll be much more helpful than I would be. [Edited to add: she actually did post a basic version of her response to the student in her comments, and it is nicer - and longer - than what I'd have responded, in that she took the time to look up info online and to provide it for the student. ] Here's what I'd probably respond, if I responded at all before I were back in town: "Thanks for your email. I'm currently out of town, but I look forward to meeting you at orientation. Best wishes, Dr. Crazy." I suspect that a student who was anxious and looking for answers wouldn't necessarily respond well to such a reply. But that's what I'd write, and then I'd not respond to the student again until I met the student. Why? Because that's how my diss. director treated me, and I am apparently becoming him.

But really, it's not that I'm just a bitch who learned passive-aggressive and bitchy ways from her own advisor. Here's the thing: the fact of the matter is that being a good adviser, in itself, in terms of helping students to choose classes and such, is totally not rewarded, as far as I can tell, if one is a professor. Nor, ultimately, is teaching. Particularly at institutions with graduate programs. What matters, more than anything else, is publication. Even at my institution, an undergraduate institution that emphasizes teaching, things like being a good teacher and adviser alone will not get a person tenure, and one doesn't receive much reward for those things. And most people in professor-type positions are on nine-month contracts. What this means, for most of us, I think, is that we confine teaching-type duties to the time during which we're paid to do them. The "off time" is reserved for the things that "actually" matter, like research and publication. I'm not saying that this is good or fair or anything else. I'm just saying that this is the way that it seems to be.

The other thing to remember is that people ultimately are more likely to respond positively to requests when they actually know the person requesting them. Again, perhaps not good or fair or anything else, but human nature. I know that when a former student whom I'd mentored for two years asked for my help in the spring, even though she's no longer "my student," I was happy to help. And quickly. When students (and there have been a number throughout the summer) who don't know me and with whom I have no relationship whatsoever have emailed me for help, with getting into my classes where the enrollment has already capped, I'm much less likely to be forthcoming in meeting their demands. Because here's the thing: it comes off as a demand if you email and call me asking me for something when I don't know you. That's not because it is a demand - it just comes off as one. But here's the thing. That's why I don't check my voicemail in the summer regularly, and it's why I'm not obsessed with work email in the summer. Because ultimately, it's up to me to set the boundaries. Because, as Manorama notes, the professor is the one with the power in this situation.

In recognizing that, maybe I've actually become less supportive of students. But it also means that I don't vent about this sort of crap on the blog anymore. You know why? Because I don't get irritated anymore, because I'm not personally bothered by the fact that I'm not responding to them. Is that a good thing? Maybe.

Maybe not.

Ugh

This is about the gajillionth time that I've started this post. I've started to write about the funk I'm in (too depressing) and also a post about crying (WAY too depressing). I've started to write about my thoughts about my hair, and the only thing to say is that I'm bored and that I'm thinking about growing it out, which is perhaps the most boring possible solution to hair boredom. I've thought about writing a response to Tenured Radical's post about theory, but I just don't have the energy for that, and I also don't have the energy to write a post about single-authoring vs. co-authoring in academe (which a friend suggested I should write, I think because a) we've talked a bit about the topic or b) because he'd rather I not write about other things we've talked about lately). Speaking of things that I've talked about with that friend lately, I've thought about writing about those conversations and about things I'm thinking related to those, but that brings us back into depressing territory. I've started writing about the block I seem to be experiencing with research-writing, and I've started writing about the block that I seem to be experiencing with blogging (which I think has to do with the research stuff). I've started writing about the funk that I seem to be in over the past couple of weeks (but again with the depressing). So I have chosen, apparently, to write a post about all of what I'm not posting about because it's all lame, depressing, boring, shallow, or requires to much energy. I have high hopes that in doing this, I will ultimately find my way back to having things to say.

Poetry Friday - Anne Sexton

"That Day"

This is the desk I sit at
and this is the desk where I love you too much
and this is the typewriter that sits before me
where yesterday only your body sat before me
with its shoulders gathered in like a Greek chorus,
with its tongue like a king making up rules as he goes,
with its tongue quite openly like a cat lapping milk,
with its tongue - both of us coiled in its slippery life.
That was yesterday, that day.

That was the day of your tongue,
your tongue that came from your lips,
two openers, half animals, half birds
caught in the doorway of your heart.
That was the day I followed the king's rules,
passing by your red veins and your blue veins,
my hands down the backbone, down the quick like a firepole,
hands between legs where you display your inner knowledge,
where diamond mines are buried and come forth to bury,
come forth more sudden than some reconstructed city.
It is complete within seconds, that monument.
The blood runs underground yet brings forth a tower.
A multitude should gather for such an edifice.
For a miracle one stands in line and throws confetti.
Surely The Press is here looking for headlines.
Surely someone should carry a banner on the sidewalk.
If a bridge is constructed doesn't the mayer cut a ribbon?
If a phenomenon arrives shouldn't the Magi come bearing gifts?
Yesterday was the day I bore gifts for your gift
and came from the valley to meet you on the pavement.
That was yesterday, that day.

That was the day of your face,
your face after love, close to the pillow, a lullaby.
Half asleep beside me letting the old fashioned rocker stop,
our breath became one, became a child-breath together,
while my fingers drew little o's on your shut eyes,
while my fingers drew little smiles on your mouth,
while I drew I LOVE YOU on your chest and its drummer
and whispered, "Wake up!" and you mumbled in your sleep,
"Sh. We're driving to Cape Cod. We're heading for the Bourne
Bridge. We're circling around the Bourne Circle." Bourne!
Then I knew you in your dream and prayed of our time
that I would be pierced and you would take root in me
and that I might bring forth your born, might bear
the you or the ghost of you in my little household.
Yesterday I did not want to be borrowed
but this is the typewriter that sits before me
and love is where yesterday is at.

You Know What Sucks?

Crying on the phone.

This Day in the Life of Dr. Crazy

6:00 AM - Dr. Crazy wakes up with her mind racing. This is what she gets for going to sleep thinking of things she'd like her subconscious to do work on. At any rate, in spite of her best efforts, she cannot return to sleep (and we should give props to the Man-Kitty for his role in this, because he was, as far as Dr. Crazy can tell, attempting to bathe her face with his wee kitten paws and it's very difficult to sleep under those conditions).

7:00 AM - Dr. Crazy, having whipped herself into a neurotic frenzy, sends off an email that will allow her to return to precious sleep. As she drifts off, she thinks to herself, "maybe I am crazy...."

10:40 AM - Dr. Crazy wakes up, realizing that her alarm did not go off at 9 as she had thought it would, and thus she must race around like a fool in order to meet with a student at 11 AM. Thank god I don't live far away from school. Thank god.

12 Noon - Lunch, delicious.

Afternoon hours - Dr. Crazy takes herself off to the pool for some swimming, some sunbathing, and some reading of theory. Theory is not proper material for poolside reading, you say? Oh, but you are so wrong. It is perfect! And then there was some brief emailing with A., and then there was a shower and some contemplating about whether I should do more work.

And so now here we are. Ooh! A. just called!

Blech

There are any number of things that I could post about, but I've just got no energy for the posting lately. I think this has to do with the fact that I've been solidly in work mode, which has included a shitload of reading (I'm trying to get ahead for the upcoming semester, as well as to get some research crap read before the semester begins), planning my classes, etc. None of this is terribly interesting, but all of it has to be done. And it's been too hot to live out of doors, so I've also been cooped up in the house for days. I promise that I'll be inspired soon. Really.

Inside Crazy's Studio?

A meme as seen over at Medusa's.

1. What is your favorite word?

Possibility

2. What is your least favorite word?

Fart

3. What turns you on?

Verbal sparring

4. What turns you off?

Somebody who doesn't realize when the verbal sparring has gone too far

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Motherfucker.

6. What sound or noise do you love?

The purr of the Man-Kitty.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

When people chew audibly.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Novelist

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?

Podiatrist

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Hi? Come on in? I know I'm boring with this answer, but I'll just be happy to be getting into heaven, so I'm not sure it matters what God says as long as he's not like, "woops! you made a wrong turn! You need to go back to purgatory!" or something like that.

You Know It's Bad When You Can't Even Turn Your Life into Bullets

I was going to do an RBOC post, but after I got to bullet three I realized that my bullets were so boring that I could not continue with them or even post the ones that I'd made. The basic facts are these: what with the heat index and the air quality, I've been dragging for the past couple of days and I likely will continue on in this fashion until the dog days of summer get out of town. If it weren't for jello and Crystal Light Pink Lemonade, I might not have the tiny bit of energy it's taken to post even this much.

The "Right" To Complain

At various points throughout my blogging career, I've been chastised for complaining (or, why not use the gender-specific term, bitching) on this here blog. In fact, this isn't only specific to the blogging - I've gotten similar reactions in other situations as well. But I've been thinking about this a bit lately, and I want to write about it.

Let's start with a basic premise: Every single person has things in their life that make them irritated. Things about which they would like to complain. Things about which they do complain.

I would suspect that even Oprah complains about work sometimes, or if not work then about her family, or about her friends, or about whatever irritates her. To complain is human, to write in gratitude journals divine, or some such.

At any rate, however, there seem to be people in the world who like to judge who has the right to complain - or really, to speak at all - and who does not. My question is this: at what point does one have a "right" to complain?

People who like to tell other people to stop their bitching, I've found, tend to think that the person doing the bitching has nothing to bitch about - she's lucky. So, for example, I shouldn't complain about things that irritate me related to my job because I'm "lucky" to have the life that I have.

First, let me say this: I will be the first person to say that luck played a role in me getting this particular job at the particular time when I got it. BUT. I'm not lucky. Nor is any other professor out there. Why? Well, here's what goes into getting a job as a professor:

1. One spends years in which everybody else is earning money and putting cash into retirement and social security and buying first homes NOT earning money and doing all the other things and in fact going into DEBT (unless one is independently wealthy, or some such, which most people who go to grad school are not).
2. One potentially puts relationships on hold during that time, and if one does that, the whole "finding a life partner" business becomes much more complicated, especially for women.
3. One works fucking hard to earn a PhD. Without much acknowledgment and without much compensation.
4. One has to reconcile oneself to the fact that one can't even choose what city one lives in, let alone what part of the country.
   

And then once one has the job as a professor, one continues to work fucking hard, without much acknowledgment and without much compensation (although obviously there is more compensation than there is for grad students). And one finds that the job that one worked so hard to get isn't precisely what one had in mind when one started off on that path 5 or 6 years before (if one finished quickly, if we're talking about the humanities), nor what one was led to expect throughout graduate school (as grad programs happen at research universities and most jobs in higher ed do not happen at research universities).

But an aside: I really love my job. I'm happy that I've chosen this path. I am glad that I made the choices that I did.

But that doesn't mean that things about this job don't piss me off. Just as things about grad school pissed me off, and I was happy I made that choice too. Just as things about temping pissed me off, and I was happy that I made that choice because it paid the rent.

So why is it that when I "bitch" about the job, when I "complain" about aspects of my life, that this is not acceptable behavior?

Well, I think part of the answer to that question does have to do with gender. If it didn't have to do with gender, then people wouldn't bring my physical appearance into the equation when they chastise me for expressing what I think. Whether I'm attractive or not attractive - or whether I talk about things related to my appearance, which I honestly don't think I do, really, but perhaps I'm blind to my own conceitedness - (and for those of you who don't know what I look like, I'll note that while I think I'm "pretty" or "attractive", I could use to lose some weight and I'm no super-model or anything) has absolutely nothing to do with whether I have a right to have an opinion, about my job or anything else. I've noticed, related to the blog, that the people who like to say that one doesn't have a right to complain tend to gravitate toward the blogs of those who admit to being single, childless women. I suspect that if I were a mother, or even a wife, that I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of "complaint" (as what are those who chastise one for complaining doing but complaining themselves?). I'll admit that I've not paid much attention to whether men get similar sort of "feedback" (often characterized as "constructive" criticism, as a "wake-up call" about what a bitch a person is), so I'll not comment on that, but feel free to post in the comments if you've gotten similar reactions, male blog readers, whether you've experienced this in blogland or in life.

I also think that part of the answer to the question has to do with the profession itself. On the one hand, non-academics think that academics have it easy. Does the comment, "must be nice to have summers off!" ring a bell? Or, if not that, "must be nice to only have to work 12 hours a week!" (and that, if one is at a teaching institution)? And someone recently noted that I "bitched" about my five-day-a-week schedule because it would cut into "vacations" - all I can say to that is that yes, I did complain about that (although I thought in a self-deprecating way), and you know why? Because the reality is that my most significant relationships right now are with people who don't fucking live where I work. With the exception of BFF, of course. But since the people I'm closest to live more than 3 hours away (whether by plane or by car), yeah, it matters that I teach five days a week, in ways that it just doesn't matter for people who are not in that predicament. If you think that I have "chosen" for that to be the way that my life is, take a gander at the job list in English Literature, and perhaps you'll get an idea of how little choice one actually has in the matter. But I digress. The point here is that I've never heard somebody say that a medical doctor shouldn't "complain" or that a lawyer shouldn't "complain" or even that a plumber shouldn't "complain" about work. There is a real belief in our culture that academics should be grateful that they get to be paid for the work that we do. That what we do is a "luxury" in some way. And the subtext of that belief is that what we do doesn't really count as work. Even administrators think this sometimes, because we "only work nine months" as opposed to working 12 months of the year. (Although, of course, that's not true either, for I do only get paid to work for 9 months but I do, actually, do work throughout the summer and on breaks.)

The fact of the matter is, everybody bitches. Male or female. And that doesn't mean that one isn't grateful for the life that they have, or that they don't appreciate the benefits of the life that they've chosen or the life that they lead. It's just that no matter how great a person's life is, some things about it suck. Period. Everybody has the "right" to complain. You know why? Because a lot of things in the world suck. And if nobody complained, then nothing would ever change, then none of those sucky things would ever be eradicated.

And whether I'm pretty or attractive or lucky or whatever, it doesn't mean that my complaints don't have validity. And if one can't bitch on a blog, where exactly can one bitch? That's the bottom line.

Sunday Night

Well, so my Sunday was quite productive, and productive related to the book and not to teaching, so I'm feeling a lot better than I was last night. Now I'm making a late dinner (inspired by the fact that the food in the fridge would go bad if I failed to cook it), I'm going to do more reading, and then early-ish to bed. I've got a lot on my mind that I could post about, but I'm going to hold off on all of that for a day or two, should I decide to post about it in any case. Just thought I'd check in while the dinner's finishing up cooking.

A Post about Nothing (and Everything)

Today was wildly unproductive, though I suppose that's ok for a saturday. It's just that I've been in a productivity slump of late, and I think that it has to do with anxiety under the surface about All That Must Be Done as much as it has to do with the "productive" procrastination that I have a habit of engaging in times such as these and as much as it has to do with not wanting to face the fact that I've got to start in under a month back in the grind of the semester.

That said, I did figure out most of the course schedule for the one class that I've been ignoring all summer, so all was not lost. I'll admit, though, that my motivation for getting this done has less to do with me really caring about the syllabus or the course schedule and more to do with the fact that this is the syllabus that more than any other determines my social schedule during the fall.

See, this is the 3-day-a-week class, and while I do know that I work best on a 5-day-a-week teaching schedule, I do tend to resent the M/W/F in ways that I don't resent the T/H portion of my schedule. This has as much to do with the fact that I don't particularly enjoy teaching what I teach on M/W/F as with the fact that the M/W/F-ness of the schedule means that it makes it more difficult for me to pick up and take off for a weekend, say, than it would be did I not have this dumb schedule. And yes, I know it's better for me in terms of productivity, and I know I choose it, but that doesn't mean I resent it less.

But so yeah. Things are getting in line with teaching for the fall. But I'm using teaching as an excuse not to do the work that I need to be doing on the book and the work that I need to be doing on revising this collection essay I've got languishing in front of me. And I'm using teaching as a way of not doing those things because those things are harder. That's the bottom line.

You know, I'm just tired. I feel like I've had no fucking summer. I know that's rich, given the fact that I was all glamorous and traveling for three weeks, but the traveling wasn't relaxing, really. It wasn't like pure down time. And so now I'm doing this thing where I'm kind of taking down time, but then also feeling guilty, and then so kind of working. And so it's not real down time, but it's not real work either. And it sucks. And it's stupid. I'd be better off if I just allowed myself a few days and then really got down to it, but apparently I'd rather guilt-trip myself and feel sorry for myself.

Blech. I don't want to be this whiny. Today I didn't turn on the computer all day long after my initial morning glance at things, and I think that was good. I watched some of "The Two Coreys" (as well as a bio thing on the pair), as well as "Rock of Love" (hideous and yet entirely mesmerizing), as well as Back to the Future. I cooked, and I hung out with the Man-Kitty. I didn't answer the phone. It was alright. I considered doing some research-crap I need to do, but decided I couldn't focus. I attempted to write in my journal and decided I wasn't in the mood. I watched that hideous movie. So there we are.

It's late. I should take my ass off to bed. Hmmm. But with the schedule I'm on lately, I'm not especially tired.

And I want to reflect on the State of Affairs in my life, but I can't get it up for that kind of reflection, as much as I might want to do it.

I've also been thinking a lot about what I choose to write about on the blog, and thinking about how that has changed since I first started blogging three years ago. I actually have a story to tell about meeting one of my readers - not on purpose - this summer.

And of course, there are still stories from my travels that I've not told.

But here I am, not wanting to write about any of it.

I'm just a lame blogger right now. That said, I just got off the phone with a VERY drunk A. and I am glad that I'm not out, for whatever that's worth.

Blah. Enough of this lame post. I apologize for being both boring and self-pitying.

In Which I Have a Rare Impulse to Comment on a Movie

I was going to write review a movie, but this won't really be a review, as I don't have the energy for anything as involved as that. But so tonight the movie The Last Kiss was on HBO, and rather than doing any number of other more interesting things, I watched it.

• I just do not find Zach Braff attractive. He does not have a chin. And yet, and yet - yes, even I am manipulated into liking him when I see him in things.
  
• In fact, I liked all of the actors in the thing. Likable. Oh yes, they all are. And I love that Jacinda Barrett of Real World London fame is succeeding with the acting thing.
  
• And I really thought her performance was quite good, in spite of some slips out of the American accent she was supposed to have. And that Rachel Bilson as the fucked-up-college-girl-other-woman was quite heavenly. Why they were both so jazzed over stupid Zach Braff I've no idea. They could do better, much.
• But what really got me about the movie was that it was a celebration of guys being fucked up commitmentphobes who can't get their shit together. Oh, except for the emotionally unavailable father of Jacinda, who was the paragon of maturity just because he never fucked around on his wife, even if he didn't make her happy either. I mean, we have Zach Braff who cheats on his pregnant girlfriend whom he won't marry because he's too much of a chicken-shit, Casey Affleck who decides to leave his wife and baby because his wife makes him feel bad (boohoo!), actor I don't know #1 who refuses to believe his girlfriend broke up with him and so shows up at her house when another guy is there - six full weeks after they broke up - and punches the guy both in the balls and the face (nice), and actor I don't know #2 who meets this girl who seems to be totally cool and awesome and with whom he has great sex and when he shows up at her house and her parents are there he bails, with no explanation, as no explanation is needed, as obviously any girl who dares to have parents and not to hide them away is after only one thing (that dreaded thing marriage, if you weren't sure what that one thing is).
  
• I feel like I need to take a shower. Especially because as I was watching the movie I found myself sort of enjoying it.

Misogyny that masquerades as some sort of heart-felt inquiry into relationships really pisses me off.

A Tale of Two Atlases, or My, It's Been a Strange Summer

This summer, I've met two sets of parents, under somewhat odd circumstances. In each case, the first thing that each father did was to bust out his trusty atlas - kept at the ready in case his son brings some strange girl around? - to plot my location, my location in relation to my hometown, and my location in relation to the family's location. I don't feel like this is normal, though I suppose others can tell me whether they've gotten the atlas treatment. I don't even know if my dad owns an atlas. And actually, I'd thought that nobody owned atlases anymore because why would you when there are computers? But apparently, the atlas business is thriving, or at the very least there are a few sturdy souls who are unfaltering in their love of the atlas.

But so. What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, I noticed this odd symmetry in the meeting of the parents because the sons through whom I'd met these parents are so different. Let me tell you a bit about them.

Son #1 is Mountain Man. His family lives near me, and so when he planned his traditional summer trip home, he tacked on a couple of days at the front end to see me. Now, the thing about Mountain Man is that he and I come from very similar backgrounds. A lot of this comes down to class, and a lot of it comes to having grown up and gone to college in the same part of the country. But so MM and I bond over things like classic rock, a love of bowling machines in bars, and a mutual affection for disgusting cuisines of our homestate. MM is the sort whom I tell to fuck off regularly in conversation, and who finds this charming (at least most of the time, I hope). Now, MM is also much-degreed, so with him there's a kind of strange comfort based on all of the above plus the fact that he gets what I do. So it's kind of like hanging out with a boy from high school, except there's no danger of him saying bullshit things like, "ooh, I'll have to watch my grammar when I talk to you!" But so yes, our visit was typified by things like singing along to the Eagles in my car.

Son #2 is G. G. and I first met in 1999 at a conference (but I think I talked about this before, so that's enough background) but the salient point is that since he lives in the UK we've never been in the same place for more than a week or so at a time. Also, because I know him in an academic context, well, our friendship is quite intellectual and earnest, and while there are good times, the good times are not like those that I described above in relation to Mountain Man. Good times with G involve singing old traditional songs when drunk, getting into deep conversations about literature, and discussions of politics and art and things. And in the car with G? At one point we listened to the radio play of Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. And there was much classical music, including a moment when I was sleeping my way through the highlands when he put on some Wagner to complement the landscape.

That's the thing, the two visits were revealing in large part because they really exemplify the two worlds that I straddle. One world is a world of Bud Light and "Heartache Tonight," the other is a world of good wine and "Waltzing Matilda." In both worlds you sing along, but there's a definite difference in tone. And clearly I can do both, but it was utterly bizarre to me that both fathers did the identical thing with the atlases when I met them. And even more bizarre that both mothers told me that I should return for a visit with or without her son - that I was welcome any time.

And so now I'm back home. And I'm drinking some decent wine and I'm listening to The Eagles.

Poetry Friday - Kathleen Spivack

Because, sadly, no one has yet written the poem that enumerates the delights of Crystal Light Pink Lemonade with lots of ice on a 90-something degree day, I instead choose this poem, which nonetheless does feel like summer, among other things.

"Dust"

she wanted rain
as release from her longing

she wanted rain
sluicing her breasts after love

when the great thirst
filling, leaf-brown, swept

and she sobbed, o yes,
and the water beat down

and bent her, she wanted
violence, over-abundance

flowing in gullies
up over the lip.

she wanted rain
easing her like a child

while the trees, eager,
thrust out their roots:

the earth drank.
she wanted the dank

smell of wry dust,
soaked after the storms. she

sought virulent summer-
green satisfactions.

Woohoo! Friday!

I suppose I don't really have anything to celebrate, in that I really was not terribly productive this week and so really what the weekend means more than anything is that I'll be settling down to work. However, I did settle in to do some work last night, and it felt good. And so I'm actually kind of excited to get to work today.

Maybe sometimes one just needs to be slack during the week only to work a bunch over the weekend?

But so yeah, I don't really have much to post about other than that. A. went on a date with a new guy last night - the second star player from the Hometown High Football Team from when we were in high school that she's dated in the past year. So all you ladies who thought you had to give up your dreams of dating football players once graduation happened? You are wrong! In fact, one can have a high school sort of renaissance in one's 30s and all of a sudden those guys who never looked at you one way or the other in high school will be banging down the door!

So yes, that is exciting, though I have nothing really of my own that is anywhere near as interesting. Ok, so must get to work (woke up this morning and paid bills, which I needed to do, but which is not work.) More later!

Blogiversary Here and Gone, and the Jesus Birthday on the Horizon

So yes, it's time for some navel-gazing. Last year, in the annual blogiversary post (for my blogiversary was at the end of July), I wrote the following in conclusion:

So what will the blog show in the coming year? Impossible to tell, obviously. But a few months ago I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I told her (I have no recollection of the context for this comment), "I feel like I'm changing again." I remember when I said it I felt surprised, like I'd thought I was done with the whole changing nonsense when I got out of grad school and my 20s. (Incidentally, my mom claims that the changing does slow up when you hit your late 40s, but never stops completely. Good to know. Especially as my whole life I've always hated all change - in myself, in others, whatever. Change, for me, is something I fight with my whole being until I finally reach a kind of defeated acceptance.) And I've also been feeling like whatever changing is happening in me is a kind of weird gearing up for a real change. It's sort of like how you can smell a thunderstorm in the air before it arrives - I smell a change on the horizon for me. And I don't have a real sense of what it will be. Will it be a new job? A relationship? Both? Something else? I suppose I'll have to wait and see.... And you'll all have to keep reading.

(But watch NOTHING changes, and I look at this blog post a year from now and I'm MORTIFIED. How embarassing.)

Well. Look at that. On the surface, not much has changed. I don't have a new relationship, not really, and I don't have a new job. I felt a big change coming, and, well, much like how it can feel like it's going to storm on a very hot day, and then there can be some lightening and such, the rain doesn't come and it remains as humid and ridiculously hot as ever. Except I do feel like I've gone through a lot in the past year, and I don't feel like I'm in an identical place to the one that I was in last year at this time. So what has this year been for me, if not one of dramatic change?

• Last year I was wigging about going on the market, feeling vaguely like a traitor to my current university for even considering it, and feeling pretty insecure about anything at all coming of it. Well, I went on the market, the sky did not fall, and while I didn't get an offer, I did do very well, and I ultimately felt like not getting an offer was probably best. I realized a lot about my current job and current location that's good, and I learned a lot about who I've become as a scholar over the past four years. And so this year if I send anything out it won't be with the sense of "I must get the fuck out of here" that I felt last year. I'm a lot more comfortable in my life now than I was then - and I think that's maybe because I really put myself out there to try to see whether I should or could be someplace else.
  
• As for the job, my current job, I feel much more... at ease, and even hopeful, about the potential of this place. I've been able to do what I want to do here in ways that I probably wouldn't be able to do in another institution, and even though there are "things" there is change on the horizon at the institutional level as well as at the departmental level. If I stay here through tenure, and thus most likely through the rest of my career, I can be happy here. And if I move on I can care about this place and the people here still, and maybe do what I can from afar to continue in my commitment to what this place is and to the students that are here. That feels good.
• Relationships. Let's start with friend relationships. First of all, A. and I are back to being bestest of friends (we had fallen out of touch in the past five years or so, for reasons I won't get into but which had little to do with either of us, actually), and that is fabulous. And I've got BFF here, and I'm forging friendships with other people here, too, whom previously I'd been merely superficially friendly with. All of this is awesome. And I've made some real bloggy-type friends, had my first blogger meet-up, etc., and that has been awesome as well. All in all, I've got a pretty vibrant social life for a loser who is a workaholic. I've got peeps :)
• Relationships: romantic. Ah fuck. How do I even begin to do a recap of those in the past year? Well, so the fall was pretty drama-free. I suppose that was good. And then the spring. Ah, the spring. I had an Infatuation. I did some dating via the online means that are the bane of 21st century daters' existence. And then, somehow, I ended up in some sort of bizarrely intimate pseudo-relationship that I have trouble defining, for any number of reasons. So in other words, it's not like I've got my shit together on this score. That said, well, I'm not feeling totally hopeless about the whole enterprise. A lot is up in the air through this year, honestly, as this is the year before I go up for tenure, and should there be a move, that will make things go in one direction, and should there not be a move, that will make things go in another. What matters is that I do know that I'm lovely, and so if what I want is a "real" relationship I'll figure out how to make that happen in one way or another, whether the pseudo-thing materializes into that or whether the pseudo-thing falls by the wayside and I seek greener pastures. The point though is that I am turning 33, and I need to figure this shit out sooner rather than later if babies are something I want to consider. Because, seriously people, I realize that it's probably going to take me a good few years to get it totally together, and with that being the case, I can't just go along like the fool that I've been throughout my dating life. It's all about priorities, and I need to make sure that this bullshit with romantic stuff remains one. Can't end up in a series of long-term pseudo-things only to wake up at 45 and realize that I no longer get to decide.

But so yes, I'm turning 33. And BFF has a theory that this is an incredibly significant birthday because it is also the age of Jesus when he died on the cross, and thus it is a birthday of deep reflection about what the hell a person has accomplished in her life. I mean, what with the whole failing to perform miracles thing, and the fact that I'll not be dying on the cross to take away the sins of the world, perhaps it's time to figure out what I might be doing in my remaining time on this here earth.

In the short term, I'll be finishing my book (work habits of today not withstanding). I'll either stay here and get tenure, go someplace else and get tenure, go someplace else and not get tenure, or end up in some other profession altogether. Maybe in the long-term I'll write a novel. Maybe I'll get married sometime, maybe I'll have a kid or two. I'll travel. Maybe sometime I'll get my finances together and buy a house. So yeah, those are the things in the works, I suppose. Of course, the only things I'm sure of are the book and my ability to get tenure here. But I suppose I'm open to the possibility of doing more than that, or doing other than the staying here and getting tenure thing. This year has really shown me exactly where the job falls in my list of priorities, and what I realize is that it's not #1 on the list anymore. I still care about it, and I still care about the work I'm doing, but I know that this isn't my main focus anymore in the way that it was in grad school or in the way that it was in my first years on the tenure track. I think that this is a positive development.

The Recipe for a Dip in Productivity....

is apparently to write about how one schedules oneself to be productive :)

Today was not a productive day work-wise. And when I say that it was not productive, I mean that I did no work at all. That is not good. I also did not pay my bills, another item on my to-do list. (Though I did pay rent, so it's not like I didn't do what absolutely needed to be done, but still.) And I didn't go into the office (though I had a good reason for this, which is that I wanted to wait until more of my ILL stuff showed up before making the trip to campus).

What I DID accomplish, however, is that I dragged my ass to the gym (because August is going to be the month of getting back into the groove with taking care of myself) and to the grocery store for actual healthy food, and I went to the pool because it was hot and you know, my summer is almost over and I deserve to enjoy it. So I don't actually feel all that bad about all of the work that I did not do.... I think I'm actually in one of my healthy spaces of procrastination. You see, sometimes I need just to chill until there's a bit more pressure on the work to be done. So I am giving myself permission to do a bit of that through the end of the week (though I really do need to do some work tomorrow).

So now the question is whether I chalk tonight up to a night of frivolous procrastination (including a glass or two of wine) or whether I attempt to do some easy busy-work items on my many to-do lists. You can guess which option sounds more appealing, but as I'm trying to get back in the eating right/working out groove, I'm not sure that I want to indulge in the wine (empty calories, blah blah blah). But then I think to myself that life is too short not to have a glass or two of wine. Hmmm.

Perhaps I shall play a game or two of computer-scrabble with myself, and then see how I feel. Yes, this is the plan. Play around on the computer for like a half-hour and then decide on my plans for the night.