Scripts for Getting Mentorship: Crazy's Version

This post was inspired by a comment that Dame Eleanor left over at Sisyphus's place to her Lesson's for Girls: Don't Just Ask, Insist on Help (Even If It Makes You Feel Weird) post, which Sis wrote out of inspiration from this post about mentoring over at Historiann's. How's that for a chain of inspiration? At any rate, Dame Eleanor writes in her comment to Sis:

"It's one thing to say "Speak up," and another to explain how to do it. What do you say? What tone do you take? How do you portray yourself as junior-equal rather than as meek suppliant or righteously teed-off young Turk? These things are not easy, and for many of us, personality factors like introversion make them harder still."

Now, I don't often think about this part of the whole "seeking mentorship" thing because it has often felt like this part of things comes fairly naturally to me (I'm an extrovert more than an introvert), and because I tend to be more of a big-picture sort of thinker than a nuts-and-bolts-details sort of thinker (and my challenges in my scholarly work are a testament to this). In other words, before I read Dame Eleanor's comment, it had seriously never occured to me that one needed to do more than to say, "Speak up," because when I think "Speak up," in my head that includes the script that I would use. I know that's silly of me, thinking about it now, but really: it had never crossed my mind before that it would be useful to outline potential scripts for seeking mentorship. At any rate, now that it has, I do feel like it's worthy of a post.

As I begin, though, I feel a bit stuck. To some extent, all of these things depend on context, upon the power differentials in play, and upon the personality of the person who's doing the asking as well as upon the personality of the person whom is being solicited for mentorship. They also depend upon the particular circumstance for which one needs mentorship. In other words, what I'll present will in no way be exhaustive, and probably other people should weigh in (whether on their own blogs or in comments here). So with all of that being said, perhaps before I proceed to any scripts, I think I'll first address some general "rules of engagement" that have served me well.

1. I think it is always best, when one is asking another person for advice or help, to bring something of one's own to the table. In other words, if you need a strong letter of recommendation, provide the potential recommender with lots of material that will enable them to do that job easily for you. If you need an answer to a particular question, work on potential answers to the question yourself first, and only go to the person after you've done that work. This doesn't mean that you don't still need to go to another person, if you've don't that work: rather, it shows the other person your level of investment, and they still might be able to offer supplementary advice that will help.
2. Be polite. I know, obvious, right? But you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you knock on somebody's door with a demand, they will be more likely to blow you off. If you knock on somebody's door with a polite request, unless the person is a jerk, they will likely be more receptive.
3. Being polite doesn't mean being fake. You don't need to have read everything the person has written, or to agree with everything the person thinks. What you do need to be is genuine and respectful. Good mentors aren't always people who see eye to eye with you: sometimes they are people with whom you disagree mightily, but who nevertheless have something to offer.
4. When people ask you about your work, or if they ask you if you need help with anything, or if they ask you what they can do to make something work more efficiently for you or to make your life easier, assume that they are asking in good faith. This is a really important one, I think. The first response that might come to your lips is "I'm fine." The way you get mentors, though, is to say, I'm managing, and I will do fine regardless, but you might be able to offer wisdom or advice in regard to this particular thing. When people ask you about how things are going, more often than not they are offering their mentorship. Don't dismiss that.
5. Demonstrate that you are capable, independent, and autonomous the majority of the time. Then, when you need assistance, people will not think that you are entitled or expect them to do the work for you. In other words, know your shit, do your shit, and then, if you need help, when you ask for it people won't think you're taking advantage of them.
   

With these rules of engagement in place, I will offer some scripts from my own life. I think this is better than me trying to manufacture examples that might not fairly represent how I've managed mentorship in my own life.

Example 1: The Undergraduate Trying to Find a Person to Advise Her Senior Thesis

When I was an undergraduate at a regional university (mediocrely research-oriented) with over 25K students and where I very much felt like a number for most of the time, I was also in the honors college, and to graduate with honors I needed to write a thesis. I had no idea of how to go about choosing an adviser for my thesis, other than that I knew what I wanted to do my thesis on, and so I chose the faculty member with whom I'd taken a class where I'd read some of the books I wanted to study. This person also happened to be my adviser within the major. Let's just note that this person had actively dissuaded me from pursuing grad school ("your gpa isn't good enough and you'll never become a professor") but she was all I had. So I asked. She said no. She recommended that I ask a person who was not on the tenure track in the english department at my university, but who taught at a branch campus part-time and who had a full-time position at a center on campus for an author of the same period. Now, I could have been dissuaded by this "adviser" (who, incidentally, I now see regularly professionally and who claims me as her "student" - as if!) and given up on this particular thesis project, or on a thesis altogether (it wasn't required to graduate). But I took her advice. And I contacted my Awesome First Mentor, Thesis Adviser. This was in the days before email, so I wrote her a letter. A very carefully crafted letter. I explained the project that I had envisioned, and I politely asked whether she would be interested in supervising me. I did not just show up at her office one day demanding mentorship. I politely presented my project (something into which I'd put a lot of time, thought and effort), and she politely accepted me as her student. And once that arrangement was made, I was entirely open to her criticism, her challenges, and her advice. In other words, I respected that she had a certain authority as my adviser, and a hell of a lot more expertise than I had, and I trusted her expertise. She was my mentor, my guide. I never thought of her as a hoop I was jumping through, even if the thesis itself was. The relationship that I developed with her ultimately led to my first conference presentation as well as to my first publication. This wasn't because I was entitled to that, but rather because I nurtured the mentoring relationship that she offered. (In an awesome "it's a small world after all" quirk of fate, she met my thesis student, BES, a couple of months ago. When who she was, and who BES was, was realized, it was a festival of hugs and academic lineage. Note: I was not there. I only heard about this weeks later. This was totally a happenstance thing. And I'm so excited that BES meant First Ever Mentor! Especially since I had showed BES my undergrad thesis - BES was totally blown over by the whole thing.)

Example #2: Choosing a Dissertation Director

I chose my dissertation director because I knew that he would push me like I'd never been pushed before. He was a person (and I imagine still is) that most grad students in my former program shy away from, when it comes to this particular gig. Not because he's not cool (he so is cool), and not because he isn't the most incisive and responsive reader (he is), but because he is a total hard-ass. He writes your comments on seminar papers like he's writing a reader's report for a journal. Complete with referring to you by last name. He sees flaws in what you write that most experts won't see. He's, well, omniscient and brutal. Those are the two best words I can think of for him. I, however, as the person that I am, sought him out. The first time I remember approaching him for something specific was when I was accepted to a conference for a paper that would be based on something I wrote for him. I remember going to his office to tell him about it, and he was dismissive. But, whereas my undergrad thesis adviser was supportive and welcoming, I also trusted DD (Dissertation Director). He was dismissive because he *expected* excellence from me, rather than encouraging and nurturing it. He was dismissive because the fact that I was accepted, I now realize, was *obvious* to him. It was after that experience that I asked him to be the director of my dissertation. Again, I came to him with clear goals. In fact, I came to him with not one but two proposals. And I asked both would he be my director as well as for his advice about my ideas. Now, we never had a warm and fuzzy happy relationship where he designed conference panels on which I would present or whatever. He was not that guy. He was the tough love guy. He was the guy who would give you feedback on your work that would leave you curled up in a ball on the couch for weeks. But it was amazing and insightful feedback. And if I wasn't good enough? He'd never have taken me on as a student (which I realize now). He taught me how to handle BRUTAL criticism, and he taught me how to believe in myself in spite of it. And I took it. Because part of getting good mentorship, I now believe, is in taking it. Sure, I cried bitter tears and whatever, but I believed in what he was advising. And I took it to heart. I think a lot of the teacher I am now, and the mentor I am now, is a reflection of him. This may be why many students are afraid to take classes with me. But the ones who do take classes with me? They get it. They get all that I have to give them, ultimately because they want it. And I think that's the thing with a lot of mentors. I think a lot of mentors need to believe that you want what they're giving.

Example #3: Oh My God, I Ended Up with a Mentor!

This example came after I was on the tenure track. I presented a paper at a mediocre conference as a preparation for a conference that I was worried about. It was a preliminary idea of the thing that I would present at the later conference - not the same paper. It turned out, however, that one person in the audience was in a Position of Power at the later conference (something I'd not anticipated). So this was a new way of getting a mentor. I presented something I was totally work-in-progress on, and a Person of Import happened to be in the audience. In this instance, I basically was open to the PoI's interest, and I nurtured and fostered the interest of the PoI in my work. I took the opportunity, and I forged a friendship - not because I had intended to seek a mentor in that instance, but because a potential one popped up. I was polite, I was respectful, I was interested. And then I saw PoI at the Scary Conference, and we became friends. And I presented on an MLA panel as a result of her mentorship, and then got my first Awesome Journal Publication as a result of that panel. And another less important publication. And another publication in a collection that she was editing. And I became a president of an allied organization of the MLA. All I was was myself, but I was also respectful and interested. And I was open to help. And I was open to advice.

So what do you say, when you're trying to get mentored? I don't know that I've really given a script, after all. I think the first thing that you probably say is, "Hi, I'm Crazy." Actually, that just made me think of a mentoring relationship that began while I was in grad school.

I was at a conference (awesomely) in Italy. I was on a balcony overlooking the Adriatic Sea, at sunset. I was in a Hapsburg palace. And a few feet away from me, I saw a person I was citing heavily in my dissertation (which would later become my book). I said to this person, "Hi, I'm Crazy. You're Fancy Lady, and I just wanted to introduce myself because your work has been so important to me."

This person ended up writing the blurb that's on the back of my book. And that blurb uses the word "prickly" which in the context of my scholarship? Makes me giggle every time. The point is, the basic script is to talk to people you are interested in talking to and to talk to those people about real things, having done the work on your end to have things to talk about.

I'm not sure if this post really provides a script, and I fear it doesn't. But I hope it at least provides some sort of a map for this stuff.

Where Exactly Has the Summer Gone?

That's what I'd like to know. Indeed, all of a sudden the fact that I'm well past the midpoint has come to my attention, and I'm not so sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I have been ridiculously productive this summer:

• I finished that revise and resubmit, and found out that the journal would like to pursue publication.
• I finished an article for an essay collection and submitted it.
• I read a book for which I need to write a review.
• I finished 2/4 syllabi for the fall, one brand new course and one course to which I've done some major tweaking.
• I've been ruminating about my sabbatical project and letting ideas percolate and form, and I've been beginning to consider how I'm formulating the project in earnest.
• I've completely weeded out my second bedroom (office) and taken a bunch of crap to goodwill (front closet actually has usable space for the first time in over a year!).

I've also been taking care of business on a personal front:

• I've taken care of various doctor appointments and such.
• I had a nice visit with A. to kick the summer off.
• My parents were here this past weekend and I had a nice visit with them.
• I've done a good bit of relaxing and reading for pleasure, as well as a moderate amount of socializing (perhaps I could have been more social, but seriously: it's been kind of nice not to have a lot of face-time with people - rejuvenating).
• I visited my aunt in NYC which was amazing.
• I've planned trips to Hometown (beginning of August) and to visit FL (First Love) at mid-month.
• I'm finally back in the groove of eating properly, and I've really been enjoying cooking again, after months of being too stressed to allow myself to eat properly and to enjoy cooking. (When my parents were here I made lovely chicken breast marinated in yogurt, lemon, and various spices, as well as a squash gratin. My mom joked that I'd really make somebody a good wife - to which I responded that people really need to put up with a lot of crap in order to get the food that I make, so I'm not so sure about that. She laughed in agreement, but added that my food might make up for it.)
• I've cut myself a good bit of slack with my summer teaching, and it's really gone a long way to making me realize that I don't need to kill myself in order for me to be a good teacher.

All of that is a good bit of stuff. But, as always happens at this time of year - about a month before my birthday, around the time of my anniversary of beginning blogging (it's been 5 years!), about a month before the academic year starts getting rolling - I'm thinking about the to-do list that I'd set for myself at the beginning of the summer, the things left on it that I've yet to accomplish, as well as the new things that have somehow cropped up (as new things always seem to do), and how I'll possibly make a dent in that list between now and the start of school.

So, what's remaining on the list?

• Make pdfs of readings for the new class I'll be teaching this fall. I've figured out all of the readings - it's just a matter of taking the time to scan everything, which I really do aim to get done in the next week or two, and then to put all of it up on blackboard.
• Write all of the assignments for that new class, so that I'm not scrambling around to do it during the semester.
• Finish 2 remaining syllabi (perhaps I should knock at least one of those out today?) and revise assignments to make my life easier (one of my resolutions post-tenure is to take care of myself more when it comes to teaching, which includes recognizing the value of assigning as much as I can reasonably and with quick turnaround time grade).
• Write the book review.
• Do minor revisions on one collection article.
• Do minor revisions on accepted journal article.
• Deal with proofs for MLA panels as well as with some other Society business. Make reservations for MLA.
  
• Collect more sample successful sabbatical applications, and begin drafting my own sabbatical application (not due until October, but better to begin drafting early rather than at the last minute).
• Write catalog copy for the overhauled major (my goal had been to have this finished by August 1, which will not happen, but it really does need to be ready to go by September 1.
• Finalize dates for conference I will host in 2011, get at least some rooms reserved (ideally), and come up with a budget and a timeline for all of the things that I need to do in relation to that. This also means scheduling a meeting with a colleague who organized/hosted a conference here a few years ago to get her insights and advice.
• Serve on Very Important Committee (meets at the end of the month).
  
• Make a dentist appointment and an appointment for a full physical.
• Seriously take July 30 through August 16 off of work. Yes, this means I've got one hell of a lot to do in the next couple of weeks.

In other words, although I've already done a lot with my summer, I've also got a lot to do. That said, and what may not be apparent from all of the listing that I've done, I'm actually feeling like this summer has been a very relaxing and calming one. The small trips have been good for my morale, and they've been so much less stressful than a major trip would have been. And getting all of this work done makes me feel like my academic year won't be so nutso in 2009-2010, which is a good feeling to have after my 2008-2009. Also, and this wasn't something I really expected, I'm feeling very energized by tenure right now. I know that I may well hit a post-tenure wall or slump or whatever, but right now, I'm sort of reveling in the freedom to do what I want professionally and in the certain knowledge that I don't need to prove my worth with a binder of materials this year! Or next! Or the year after that! Huzzah!

I've also been doing a good amount of thinking about personal life stuff and how I want that to work in my newly tenured life, but I think I'll table a discussion of that for the moment. For now, I'm just happy to be feeling so centered and focused, after feeling decidedly unfocused and scattered for so much of last academic year.

Saying What You Mean without Really Saying It

So I find myself in the position, currently, in two very different situations, in which I need to communicate a particular point of view in such a way that I don't come out and say it point-blank. This is not my strong suit. I'm a pretty direct person, sometimes to my detriment. I'm not much of one for beating around the bush, nor do I particularly like it when people beat around the bush with me. But after some huge missteps during my teens and 20s, I think I've become slightly better at recognizing at least some of the time when I shouldn't just blurt out exactly the thoughts that are in my head.

Situation #1: I'm currently reading a book for which I will need to write a review for Crazy's Specialization Studies. I'm actually pretty excited about this task, as the editor contacted me about the review without me ever having offered my book-reviewing services. As an aside, I've been plowing through the book because, it seems, after years of plowing through academic books and articles, I don't know how to make my way through one at a leisurely pace. This means I have just 1 1/2 chapters left to read, after only having received the book on Thursday and even though my parents were in town this weekend. So here's the thing. I hate the book. Hate. It. But you can't just write a review in which you hate on a book. That's not cool. It's not useful to readers of the review, nor is it necessarily good for one's own as yet not terribly fancy professional stature. Now, I've not done much review writing in my career thus far - just two previous to this, both of which appeared in tiny venues. One book I really enjoyed; one book I felt somewhat mixed about although I did find it incredibly interesting and ultimately useful. (The mixed feeling just had to do with the fact that the style of the book doesn't really fit with the kind of scholarship that I myself do - it didn't have to do with the quality of the book.) This current book I'm reading, though, well, I have some fundamental problems with it. I cannot, however, just say, "don't read this book, for it is boring and stupid." First of all, it occurs to me that not everybody in the whole world would agree that it is boring and stupid. Second, I really want to be fair to the book, even though good reviews to my mind aren't "objective" per se. And so I find myself as I'm reading on the one hand giving myself free reign in my marginalia to write really mean things but on the other hand annotating the book toward the review itself, using language that is more measured and that really engages with this book that I hate (something, incidentally, that the book itself does not do with things it really hates). This is an interesting process, as it's not the way that I read when I'm using a book for my own research. I also wonder how much of my negative feelings about this book come from the fact that it's only the second time I've witnessed my own work cited in a scholarly book and yet the person basically treats my work like shit (though admittedly does put me in the company of people whose work I deeply admire, treating those people like shit, too, so that's sort of awesome). At any rate, I don't want to let that influence the ultimate review that I write to the extent that it calls my authority as a reviewer into question. So, as I read and annotate and think, I find myself in a position where I want to be true to my interpretation of the book while at the same time exercising more... subtlety... than it is my first impulse to do. I find myself trying to say what I mean without coming right out and saying it. This is an interesting exercise.

Situation #2: This one involves negotiating university politics. See, I'm on this committee that has the potential to become a festival of contentiousness. The last time a committee such as this convened, like 15 years ago, it generated all sorts of bad will. There are people who served that last time who still don't speak to one another. For real. The first tasks of this committee involve responding to some questions in writing, and I find myself measuring my words carefully, and presenting my position with what I hope is more diplomacy than I actually feel. To be honest, I feel like one of my responses in particular borrows a lot from Dolores Umbridge's initial speech at Hogwarts when she is hired as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and that is very strange and a little bit troubling, to see oneself as like Umbridge. At the same time, I did avoid reaming somebody out for refering to students as our "clientele," so I suppose that is a victory (albeit a small one).

Whatever the case, these two very different situations are both forcing me to be careful with my words, to think about how to say what I mean without actually coming out and saying what I mean. This obfuscation does not feel comfortable to me, but perhaps it's a good skill to practice. In both cases, I'm thinking it's better both for my ultimate goals as well as for me personally to refrain from just putting it all out there. We'll see, however, whether my attempts will actually work. Because see, this is not my nature. And I really want to say exactly what I mean instead of beating around the bush.

In Which Crazy Contemplates a Next Book

So, it's a funny thing, this idea of a "next" book, as opposed to a "first" book. As recently as the start of this year, I really had no ambitions toward a "next" book. Or rather, I actually felt a real antipathy to the idea of writing a "next" book - haven't I done enough for Jeebus' sake?

This resembles not at all how I felt about turning the dissertation into a book, which I was highly motivated to do. I really don't feel a great compulsion to write a second book, nor do I think doing so or not doing so bears any real relationship to my worth as a professor or scholar or person. With the "first" book, I felt, deeply, that I would suck if I didn't get the thing done. A lot of that had to do with lingering grad school demons about what it means to be a worthwhile person. A lot of it had to do with proving that I was a worthwhile person in spite of the fact that I didn't land at an R1 university for my tenure-track job (and combine with this my desire to be a viable candidate those few times when I sent out applications for other jobs over the past years). But it's interesting, now that I'm post-book, post-tenure, I don't have the same kind of self-worth things bound to my scholarship.

Part of this is because I do have this feeling that I'm done with jumping through hoops. I mean sure, there is that final hoop of going up for full, but even if I never did that, I would still have a job and a professional life. Part of it has to do with finally - after the final tenure decision - coming to grips with everything I've achieved to this point. That's actually something I've been spending a good deal of time processing this spring and summer. Most recently, I've been working on updating my cv, and what is more than clear in doing so, and which probably should have been clear to me before now, is that I have a very respectable profile as a scholar. Period. Not "oh, I'm good enough for this place," or "well, I guess I have a few publications," but rather, no, I'm a respectable scholar by anybody's estimation. I've done good work that has been received well by people whom I respect, and if I just keep a steady pace, I will continue to do good work, not because I've got a gun to my head but just because it is fulfilling to me to do good work. No, I will not publish at the rate that people at research universities publish. No, I may not transform into some kind of superstar (although I'm not willing to give up on that silly possibility yet, even if I don't actually care about it really). But I will continue to have ideas that matter to a small group of people, that continue to make a difference in how I teach literature, and that continue to make a difference in terms of my ability to help my students navigate the field of literary studies, should they choose to navigate this field in their own professional lives.

So I suppose there ends the context of this post.

Where I really began thinking in earnest about a "next" book was with the idea that I really, really want a sabbatical. Sure, it will only be a semester long (for I cannot afford to take a full year at half pay), but I think that a break like that will really go a long way toward rejuvenating me. I feel kind of... out of gas... after the past, oh, 30 years without a break. That's right - I went straight through - from kindergarten through the tenure track - without any time off doing anything else. I mean, sure, I temped in the summers and such things, but I never had sustained time where I wasn't teaching or in school or whatever. I think I'm about due for 6 months away from teaching and service (it would be eight, but I'll need to teach summer school next summer to make a house a reality). And the best way to ensure that I've got a project worthy of a sabbatical in these tough economic times is to design a project that has a book-like weight.

Now, when I ended the spring semester, I wondered whether I might be able to do a sabbatical that would involve multiple journal articles and have that be a substantial project that would get me to full. The problem is that nobody in my department has ever gotten full without a book. Now, let's note, I've got a book. But I'm the only person in my department in the past 20 years (or more - I believe the only person who may have had a book before tenure is my mentor in the department, who, we should note, got tenure in the 1970s) who's ever had a book out before tenure, and going up for full does require only counting those things one does once making associate. The guidelines for full do not stipulate that a book is necessary (either the university-wide or department guidelines) but this is past practice. Now, I should note that "book" is a pretty loose term here in these parts. It could be a textbook. It could be a novel. It could be an essay collection. So it's not like my institution would require me to write a second scholarly book. And I have toyed with the idea of trying my hand at those other types of books. But I keep coming back to the idea of a "next" book, as opposed to a textbook, or a novel, or an essay collection.

Now, why do I keep coming back to a "next" book? First and foremost, probably, it's because I feel like I know how to write a scholarly book now. I feel like I've found my voice as a scholarly writer in literary studies, and I think I understand the scope of such a project. I'm not trying to minimize the hard work that would go into a "next" book, or to ignore the fact that I will encounter new roadblocks in writing one. I have, however, gone through the process of shopping such a book to presses, I've written a book already that is, as far as I can tell, doing decently well for a newly published academic book, I've been through the process of getting copyright permissions, and I've been through the process of refining a scholarly, book-length manuscript. In other words, this is familiar territory. And for me, that is a good thing. Second, I actually do have an idea, and an idea that I think is really interesting. In some respects, it's the flip side of the idea of my first book. My first book was all about analyzing the representation of pleasure (generally), and this next one will be all about (generally) looking at the representation of violence and shame. (Funny aside: I told my mom about this, and her response was, "but that's so dark, Crazy!" When I noted that this was just the flip side of what I'd already done, she said, "but it's so dark! But I guess if you want to do that....")

Here's the thing: I know that nobody else has written about the "next" book idea in quite the way that I plan to. And I do have a plan. Sure, it's rough at this point, but I start with a title and an outline - this is how I start all projects - and so I'm not just meandering through a hodge-podge of ideas. I should also note that who I am as a scholar is that I tend to start where I'm comfortable - with authors whom I've taught or written about previously, and then to throw one new thing into the mix. I do not chart entirely new waters - ever. I build on what I've done before.

This practice has developed in part out of self-preservation: this is how you have new ideas with a 4/4 teaching load. But it also feels very organic to me, and is something that I've "always" done. For example, I wrote my senior thesis on Famous Feminist Woman Author. I then did a master's thesis on Manly Man authors of the same period. I then went on in my dissertation/book to return to Famous Feminist Woman Author (FFWA) and Manly Man Authors that I'd studied extensively in coursework, also of the same period, but different from the Manly Man Authors I worked on in the thesis. So now, I'm going back in another direction, not in terms of my authorial choices so much, but rather in terms of the themes that I want to think about. I'll talk about FFWA (whom I now realize may be the reason I decided to become an English professor and who may really be central to any interesting idea that I have, in spite of my resistance against being categorized as an FFWA scholar), as well as about FFWA2 (the author on whom I started working intensively, and on whom I've published some, since getting this job) and then finally on FFWA3 (whom I've not done any work on nor taught ever, but just totally love). There are also a few others I may or may not throw into the mix. But the point is, I want to explore what lies on the other side of pleasure, and, in particular, where those other things are housed. And the things that I have to say would require me to engage deeply with theory that I haven't paid a whole lot of attention to before now, as well as to see authors whom I love in ways that are challenging to me. This seems like a very exciting project.

And, indeed, this may be why I've chosen this project as opposed to others on which I've might have embarked. I really want to figure out why this idea is interesting to me, and I really want to figure out a way to make it interesting to other people. I also think this idea connects deeply to my teaching and to how my field is transforming in general. Also, and maybe this is most important, I'm excited about undertaking such a project without a committee to direct it. Yes, I need to think about audience and editors and such, but I don't have to worry about this being a "job-seeking document," as my adviser rightly told me my dissertation was. My mentors in grad school made a big deal out of the fact that I could write what I wanted to write after tenure. That the dissertation (the draft of a first book) was about getting a job, not about defining me as a scholar. Well, I feel like that was great advice, and I want to believe that it was true. I want to believe that I can write the book I want now, and now with a first book under my belt, I feel like I might know how to do so.

That's really the exciting thing. You don't get another bite at the apple with a dissertation or a thesis or a seminar paper. You don't get another bite at the apple with an article, even, or at least not in as substantial a way. You do get another bite at a book. You do get to decide things based just on your preferences with a second book. I don't have a committee telling me I shouldn't just write about women, or that I shouldn't write about authors across periods or countries. I get to make those choices, based on the things that are interesting to me now. Yes, I have to be aware of the market for a book, and I have to be aware of how to get publishers intersted in it, but I don't have to be aware of the job market as I conceive the book. I don't have to prove that I can teach x,y,z courses through my book. I can just write a book that matters.

Now, I'll say this about the going up for full business, as it relates to this. I'm going to do my damndest to make sure that my department addresses the question of what is required for full in a more specific way in our handbook. I think this whole, "in the past people write a new book for full" is crap, given the fact that with the current market saturation it's entirely possible that many new faculty might have a book before tenure. I think that we should have criteria that are more clearly flexible, that are outlined, about the kind of achievement that merits full professor. I think that we should state clearly that it can be a scholarly book (a), an equivalent number of journal articles in peer-reviewed venues - like 4-6 - thinking that some of these would be pedagogical pieces (b), a textbook (c) a novel or collection of poetry (d), or editing a collection plus 2-3 articles (e). I think that such specificity would result in greater fairness, and it might encourage more people (and in my department, women) to go up for full professor, which is a huge need, since we do not have a single female full professor at my university, which, in a feminized field like English, is an abomination. (Patriarchal equilibrium much?) Because here's the thing: it's ridiculous at a university like mine to expect two fucking scholarly books for full professor. Whether we're talking about men or women or whatever, but particularly if we're talking about women, who may feel (or experience) the need to write a book just to be secure in getting associate.

In other words, I'm not certain that this new book, this "next" book, will be the thing that I need to get full. In all honesty, I hope that I can work (as a tenured professor) to make sure that it's not the prerequisite for that. I want, if I have other kinds of productivity, for those things to count for full. That's not to say I don't want to write this book: I do. But I want to write this "next" book for me and for people who will care about what I have to say, not for a promotion. That said, I'm not going to use this sabbatical for something that won't get me full, if that makes sense. I care about making full professor, and I want to use what benefits I have wisely toward that goal. I guess what I'm saying is this: I don't think that I should have to write a book at my institution in order to make full professor, given the fact that I have already done. That said, I'm not going to organize my career as if I don't have to do so, given the fact that this is the common past practice. So yes, I'll use my sabbatical for a book project, because it's the best insurance that I've got for getting full most quickly. That said, I'm not going to wait for the book in order to go up for full. Rather, if I think that I've done the equivalent pre-next-book, I want to be in a position where I can go up with a reasonable assurance that I will meet the full professor standard.

So. I'm fairly committed to a "next" book. I think it's a good idea, and I'm excited about the prospect of it. I'm not entirely sure what such a project is going to mean, though I do feel confident I can manage it because I've already achievced a "first" book. At the end of the day, though, I do know that a "next" book isn't me. It's just what I'm thinking about.

Sorry about the Failure to Post

All energy has been diverted to a) grading (sigh) and b) making plans for my second book, which is a necessary prerequisite to working on my application for sabbatical. Stay tuned for a real post about b) coming soon.

Crazy Eyes

I just went to the eye doctor after far too many years because I'd noticed I was holding books closer to me when I would read aloud in class.

I apparently have one farsighted eye and one nearsighted one. No, I'm not kidding.

And, in about a week's time, I shall have these glasses:

The Bombs Bursting in Air

Happy fourth of July one and all!

In my neck of the woods, illegal fireworks are king, and so the kittens and I have battened down the hatches and we will not emerge until the loud booming noises stop. (You think I'm kidding, but seriously: it's like world war three by afternoon.) I have high hopes that I'll finally tackle my closet as well as the boxes of paper that I need to shred.

In other news, my parents are coming to visit next weekend (because of the store, G. can't really leave on holiday weekends) and I think I have my next book project slowly coming together in my mind. More on all of these things when the holiday weekend is over.

Have a happy fourth!

Facebook: Some Positives

So, I've posted a bit about my ambivalence about Facebook. It's a time suck. You end up becoming "friends" with a lot of people who you never really liked very much in the first place (I'm thinking the random people from high school who I only vaguely remember) or people with whom you don't need to be facebook friends because you are real life friends with them. You can, if you allow yourself to do so, come to feel like a loser either because your status is not as interesting as your facebook friends', or, conversely, because your facebook friends' statuses are deeply lame, and if you're "friends" with these people, then you must be lame, too.

But over the past few weeks, I'm coming to see that Fb has its benefits. I've gotten back in touch with family (esp. my dad's side of the family). I've been found by my three best friends from kindergarten. I'm able to keep in touch with grad school friends more easily, as well as with former students of mine.

But the best part? I've got a friend from high school who works in the wine industry and lives in Napa Valley. And because Fb is so impersonal, it has turned me into the sort of person who has no qualms about inviting myself for a visit! At any rate, Crazy shall be going to wine country over her spring break! Huzzah!

Shaping Up to Be a Wonderful Day

Dr. Crazy's own Personal-Style Laptop was not dead! It has been revived by a colleague (whom I actually met through this here blog, which just goes to show you that it pays to reveal the real life identity upon occasion!) who deserves all manner of praise!

One of My Best Qualities: Ability to Meet (Ish) Deadlines!

So, the collection article is sent off! Hooray! I'm sure that I will need to do things to it in the coming months (for the road to publication is long and winding, and done is never done until something appears), but I sent the thing off! I am so pleased with myself! This means that I can return all of my overdue ILL books!

You know, I've written about research and publication a fair bit, but you know what I don't acknowledge enough? That one of the reasons that I have as strong a publication record as I do is that I'm good with deadlines. Now, without a deadline, I don't accomplish very much at all. Let's be real about that, first of all. But once I've got a deadline in place (whether real, as this one was, or perceived, as when a journal invites one to submit something based on a conference paper with an open-ended deadline, but clearly you need to submit it soon-ish so that they don't look at it like it's from outer space when it arrives three years later) I am very motivated to get the thing done. I can credit my humble beginnings writing for my high school and college newspapers for this, I think. See, for me, once I've got a deadline, there is just no option of not getting the thing done. And since I know that I don't do diddly squat without a deadline, I tend to put myself in positions where I've got them. And I don't really think this is a chicken and egg thing for me - I think that without deadlines I don't actually have ideas. Or not ones that I pursue anyway. I am not a person who keeps up with the scholarship in my field without it relating to something I'm working on, and I'm not a person who just has great ideas that I pursue without an end (publication) in sight. I think the deadline comes before the research for me. This may be why I've never been so stellar with the sending stuff out cold to journals or whatever.

But at any rate, I think this quality has made a huge difference for me in terms of racking up the publication lines on my cv (for publications big and small) in part because now I've developed a reputation as a person who gets things in by a deadline. When you do that, people then ask you to do more stuff because they know that they'll get the stuff from you when they need it. Or they tell other people that they should ask you to do stuff for the same reason. It's really quite something. But I suppose it also helps that deadlines don't freeze me up - rather, they actually make it possible for me to produce things. In part because I can't stand the thought of blowing off a deadline, and so that stops me from hemming and hawing (the initial part of my creative process) and gets me actually working. The ability to meet deadlines isn't a very fancy quality to have, but it is a very useful one.

See, the deadline for the essay was actually yesterday. And when I was unceremoniously awakened this morning by some idiot who was blasting country music below my window at 5:30 in the freaking morning (Loading the car for a holiday weekend jaunt? Just a jerk?), I felt a burning desire to finish the article. Well, after I thought better of my burning desire to yell expletives out the window at that person. Because I knew I didn't get it in by last night, and it was KILLING me. So, now the thing is done, and my editor was pleased to receive it, and sure, there've got to be things that could be better about it, but whatever. No point in drawing out the agony of this stage of things, when I'm sure my editor will have suggestions that I'll have to deal with later anyway.

I suspect that one of the challenges for me post-tenure will be to maintain deadlines for myself. Because the thing about the tenure-track pre-tenure is that Going Up is like it's own Huge Deadline. I'm sure that's the only reason why I got my book proposal circulated when I did, even though there technically wasn't a deadline for that. Now, no more Huge Deadline. I mean, you can really go up for full whenever you like, right? In theory the soonest I could do it would be after five or six years, but that's not a deadline really - just the point at which the window opens. I suppose I do have the deadline for sabbatical applications to start me off this year, but realistically, after that? I don't have any institution-specific deadline for like another 7 years (when I'd be eligible to apply for another sabbatical). That said, maybe I don't need to worry about this because I had no deadlines for anything this year, and all of a sudden they materialized before me, spurring me on to ever greater research productivity over the past couple of months.

Eh, whatever. For now, I am just going to bask in my conscientiousness, have some lunch, and take a shower. Life is good!

Writing, Because There's No Time Like the Last Minute

So, I'm working on polishing the invited collection article, and I have been doing so since about 5:30 AM. On the one hand, it's going fairly smoothly. On the other, god, why is this end part of things such slow going? I've been dealing with the works cited, primarily, which has been kind of annoying because I've somehow lost MLA style from my brain because my last however many projects were in various versions of Chicago. (I know, I know, use bibliographic software, but I don't trust it, really, because it always seems to fuck things up, and I'm using a lot of weird sources, and I don't tend to be very good about keeping all of my sources in my refworks anyway. I suspect that I will cross the bridge of really using the stuff when I write my next book. For indeed, I'm thinking that I'm going to start a next book project with my sabbatical. But then maybe not. I don't know. I've been doing a lot of background thinking about it, but I haven't really solidified my thoughts yet. I think my primary block about the bibliographic software is that it feels like an extra step, since I take notes longhand.) Anyway, I have high hopes that I'm going to get this final crap knocked out today and that I'll send it off and be done with it.

In other news, I don't really have much other news. I've just been teaching and trying to organize my schedule for the month of July so that I really can take three weeks off when my obligations in July are over. This is going to mean lots of productivity between now and then, though, including drafting 2 versions of a sabbatical application (to help to decide which project I really want to pursue, though I think I am leaning toward another monograph and not toward the textbook idea), working on the catalog copy for our revised major, finishing up odds and ends with research stuff, initial planning stuff (mainly a timeline) for the conference that I'm going to host in the somewhat distant future, stuff for the professional society of which I am president, getting stuff in PDF form and up onto blackboard for my new grad class, cleaning my office at work, and doing my two remaining syllabi. The idea here is that if I do all of this I shall really be able to relax through most of August, and I shall start the new semester in fine form.

I suppose I should be proud of myself that I've done about 2 1/2 solid hours of work already today, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and like I'll never get all of my things done. Ah well. I will get all of my things done, and then I won't feel overwhelmed anymore. Annoyingly, I've also got to do some grading today, but I plan to confine that to the hour or two before class starts.

So anyway, that's the boring update from the land of Work.

I Hate When This Happens

So I'm nearly done with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and I learned today, much to my chagrin, that the second book in the trilogy won't appear until the end of the month!!!! NOT. FAIR.

I've not got much else to report. I am a boring blogger. Sigh.

RBOC: I'm BACK

• It was very cool actually seeing my book live in a bookstore.
• It was even cooler than that to visit with my aunt for the first time in years - and for the first extended time in more years than that.
• The Pride parade in NYC was very cool indeed.
• The kitties went on a slight hunger strike in my absence (meaning that they refused to eat wet food but gobbled the dry, as while they like to make a statement, they do not like to be hungry).
• I got to see High School Best Friend and her mom while in the city and that was super-awesome as well.
• Dunno what else. Don't want to teach tonight, but isn't that what I say almost every day? Only 4 more weeks left....
• Oh, and I'm finally reading that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book by Stieg Larsson, which a Lebanese cousin had recommended to me last summer, but which I never got around to checking out. Engrossing.
  

How to Succeed in Academia without Really Trying?

This post is partly inspired by my lunch today with the awesome Historiann (It was great meeting you! And thanks again for lunch!), and it's partly inspired by something I just found in my work email in-box. So, as Historiann and I had our lunch, we got to talking about publishing and such, and I said, in an off-hand way that I never would have been able to get my book out without my dissertation director refusing my claims that "a good dissertation was a done dissertation" and forcing me to spend a full year revising the thing. That's right: I had a complete version that I tweaked for a full year. But so H. said that I should do a post about how grad school prepared me for the job that I have now, and how it has enabled me to be a productive scholar at a teaching institution. I know I've got a lot of readers out there in situations similar to mine - maybe not with 4/4 loads but with 3/3s - and who are similarly productive, so I thought, you know, maybe this would be a good post to do and hopefully people will contribute their own experiences in the comments.

This won't be the first time that I've talked about scholarship on the blog, but I think I tend merely to a) complain about things I'm working on, b) express joy when things work out, or c) to talk about it as something that happens magically and that I don't entirely understand. But in the conversation with H., it became clear that I really can map my productivity now in circumstances that wouldn't seem to lend themselves to scholarly productivity back to my training in graduate school at an institution that is radically different from the one at which I work. H. encouraged me to post about this because, and I'll paraphrase her here, most people do not end up at jobs at institutions like the ones where they train, and so laying a foundation at those places for the kind of job you will end up having is important, and has everything to do with the scholarly things one might achieve, particularly early on in one's academic career. While I don't think that an excessively long time to degree is desirable, I do think that the continued push toward shortening times to degree can get in the way of the foundation-laying that really does need to happen if one is to have a life as a scholar as one moves forward on an academic career path. So.

What foundations were laid in graduate school that have gotten me to this point?

1. First and most significantly, I was able to get my book out before tenure with a 4/4 load because my adviser pushed me to get my dissertation as close as possible to a book before I defended. This is not to say that I did not have to put the manuscript through massive revisions after the defense - I did. I did not just publish my dissertation with only a few minor changes. But, and this is crucial, the shape of the dissertation is the shape of the book, I created a dissertation that had a book-length argument in which each chapter built on the chapter(s) before it, and in my final year - in which I had moved back to Hometown and was temping for 11 bucks an hour to make a living - I really spent the time refining not only the content of the thing but also the prose. That's not to say there wasn't a ton of dissertationese still there at the end, but I did find my voice as a scholarly writer in that time, and I really did get beyond the phase of just getting ideas down on paper. I still have problems with fleshing out my ideas with the sophistication that they require, but in that final year of tweaking, I learned how to spot when I do that. I learned how to take very specific criticism of particular passages and to translate that criticism to a project as a whole. I learned how to think beyond myself, if that makes sense - to put myself in a reader's position and to get outside of my own head with a draft. All of that took time. It took a willingness on my part to think that deeply, but it also took the pressure and the demand to think that deeply from my director - otherwise I would have defended that thing a year before it was as ready as it could be. This was huge for me because I got my job ABD. I defended on August 5, and I started my job on August 15. Could I have defended sooner? Probably. Would that have been good for my subsequent career as an academic? I do not think so.

2. This is connected to the previous: my mentors in graduate school encouraged me to think in very deliberate ways about my scholarship, and to think about how the various projects on which I was working fit together with each other. In other words, I guess I learned to think about the big picture of my scholarship, as opposed to thinking in a single-minded way about just the dissertation, or just a seminar paper. My mentors (dissertation director and others) encouraged me to flesh out my identity as a thinker, and to realize that the dissertation was not an end but rather a first step and just one piece in a long career. One outcome of this was that I presented papers at conferences throughout graduate school, and those papers were not all culled from the dissertation project. Further, the publications that I managed during graduate school were not publications that came out of my dissertation. Nevertheless, nothing I did was totally unrelated to the bigger questions that the dissertation took on: rather, I was encouraged to flesh out a scholarly identity that extended out from my dissertation project, and that would continue to do so. This gave me confidence to start a new line of research once I started on the tenure track, and it gave me the skills I needed to work independently on new ideas without a great deal of mentorship. This is huge once one starts actually working in this profession, because most of the time, we work as scholars without a whole lot of support. Sure, we get support at conferences, or in periodic visits with friends, but much of what we do must be undertaken independently. If I hadn't been trained to those skills throughout graduate school, I'm not sure that I would have understood how to proceed as I moved forward into my career on the tenure track.

3. My mentors instilled in me the necessity of connecting what I do as a thinker and scholar to the work that I do as a teacher. I don't think that they necessarily realized how important this would be in my current situation - I think that they imagined this only in their own context, in teaching graduate students and in teaching undergraduates at an elite university - but I still learned the lesson, and I did carry it with me into my current professional life.

4. My mentors were not terribly generous in the sense of offering their guidance, and this taught me how to ask for mentorship when I needed it. At the time, I did not like this very much. Now, I am grateful for it. This more than anything else has helped me to forge professional relationships with colleagues at my current institution and at institutions other than my own, and it gave me a sense of ownership over my professional life and autonomy within my professional life that I'm not sure I would have felt as quickly otherwise. And, ultimately, I do think that it's this ability to forge relationships when people aren't necessarily banging down my door that has resulted in a lot of my scholarly success over the past six years.

5. I learned from my mentors that publication was ultimately just a part of the job, just as teaching is, and just as service is. It was presented to me as a worthy goal, and as a responsibility, but it was not presented as the end-all be-all of my identity. Rather, my identity was about thinking interesting and sophisticated stuff. Publication, ultimately, was presented as the result of my ability to do that. Nobody really made a big deal out of publication, or made it seem as if it was this holy grail of achievement. It was just expected. And I think that this attitude has definitely shaped my continued productivity in terms of publishing, especially as I work at a place where nobody is throwing parties for me when I publish something. I just putter along, having my ideas and fleshing them out and publication happens and then I go about my business of day-to-day stuff. The motivation to publish, ultimately, isn't about external praise or reward. It's about the fact that my job is to add to knowledge - teaching is part of that, speaking at the public library once a year is part of that, and scholarship is part of that. It is not this weird or lofty thing: it's just part of the gig I signed up for.

But so those foundations have led me to a place where I've been a productive scholar in conditions that many would say are not ideal for productivity as a scholar. I left graduate school with strong foundations: I knew how to work independently, I knew how to figure out research problems on my own, I knew how to ask for feedback, and I knew how to put myself out there as a scholar. I knew not to be intimidated by more esteemed people in my field, and I knew how to take opportunities that came my way. I knew how to network. I knew , in short, how to be a thinker and how to be a professional.

The result is that my research didn't stop with my dissertation. I had that major project, a very strong draft of a manuscript, under my belt when I started my job. This gave me the freedom to begin having new ideas and to translate those new ideas into new scholarship. I forged new professional relationships, and as I did so, new opportunities came my way. And so yes, over the past six years, I have often felt like I don't really have a plan in terms of scholarship, but partly that's because I haven't really needed a plan. Because I had such a strong foundation, I could in some ways ride that wave to more scholarship, more ideas. Or perhaps it's fairer to say, I have had a plan, but it was a plan that was set in motion long before I ever got my tenure-track gig.

It's all very strange, especially when I think about how things have gone with my scholarship over the past few months. I just had a book review come out in one journal, I was invited to have an essay in an edited collection based on a conference paper that I presented, I found out that another essay will be published in a collection that has finally found a home with a very strong university press, a very good journal would like to publish my article that I revised and resubmitted, and, today, I was just invited to review a book for one of the top journals in my specialization. All of this since the end of April. None of this was premeditated on my part. You know what my spring was like - scholarship has been pretty much off my radar since the book came out, and I'll be honest - I've not really had scholarship at the top of my list of priorities for most of the past six years. I do it because it feeds me intellectually, and I do it because it's what made me want to be a professor in the first place. But I don't put a lot of pressure on it, and I, throughout the academic year for sure, typically have a lot of things that come before scholarship in my professional life. I plod along as a scholar, and apparently am doing well at it, not because I have some grand agenda, but rather because I started off with carefully cultivated foundational skills that have allowed me to sustain scholarship as part of my professional life. If I hadn't gotten those skills in graduate school, I'm not sure where I'd have gotten them. And I think that I got those skills in graduate school because I had mentors who slowed me down, rather than sped me up and out.

But so anyway, those are my thoughts. I'd be interested to hear what others think about how their graduate education has influenced their continuing lives as scholars, particularly if they are not at research-intensive universities.

Oh, but one last thing. At our lunch, H. also marvelled that I've been this productive while at the same time keeping the blog and teaching the 4/4. As I said to her, the reason that the blog is possible on top of everything is because I don't draft or edit. I sat down to write this post an hour and a half ago. And now this post is done. If I were a more careful writer on this blog, or a slower typist, this blog would totally not exist. :)

I'm off for a weekend getaway! More upon my return!

Excellence without Money; Cutbacks without Students Suffering

I grew up without a lot of money. We lived in a shitty neighborhood in the inner city; my dad worked in a steel mill when he wasn't laid off (which was pretty much most of the time from 1980 until my parents divorced); both my parents came from huge, poor families (mom's = 10 kids [2 disabled, one set of twins]; dad's = 7 kids and his father divorced his mother when his youngest sister was in the cradle). And I remember quite vividly being told when times were tight, and I remember quite vividly how that directly affected me. I remember my mom reusing packaging bags for school lunches because she didn't have the money to buy sandwich bags. I remember having to wear plastic bags inside of my hand-me-down boots because that was the only way my feet would stay dry in the winter. I remember years when I was told that times were tight for Santa, and since I already had "so much" that he might not be able to bring me very many presents. There was no nonsense about pretending for me that money wasn't a problem, nor did I not face the negative effects of not having money. My parents did their best, but I was not sheltered from tough times. When tough times hit, they hit me, too.

But so what does the above paragraph have to do with the title of my post? Well, I'm getting to that. See, I've been reading a lot of late about cuts at universities, on blogs, in the news, etc. And one thing you hear over and over again is how we need to do everything in our power to make sure that students don't actually notice a difference in the quality of education they're receiving. I think that this might be the most ridiculous (and maybe the most dangerous for higher education structurally) idea ever.

Now, I'm really not a monster, and I do think that we should do everything in our power to give students the best education possible. I think students and student learning should be our top priority. But, and this is where I may be a monster, I think that the key word in the past couple of sentences is possible. Giving a student "the best education possible" means something very different when budgets are flush than it does when budgets are collapsed.

Example. When budgets are flush, it's possible to get release time from teaching in order to perform in other (required) areas of the job. With release time, an instructor can maintain the number and type of assignments as well as the level of rigor in all of his/her courses while also being a high performer in another part of the job (which, I'm going to note again, is REQUIRED - not a "pet project" or something like that, but REQUIRED). Now, even though things are comparatively good at my institution, release time has disappeared. And let's say that a faculty member has to teach four courses while also doing a REQUIRED part of her job that will be exceptionally time-intensive. What gives? I'll tell you what gives: stuff in the classroom. Because, realistically, I can control that part of my life more than I can control the required service thing. And so, what I will do is I will assign fewer papers (which means students will not get scaffolded writing assignments and their learning will be affected), I will stop doing quizzes in my lower level classes (which means many students will not be as inclined to keep up with the reading, which will mean that they learn less), and I will eliminate as much prep as possible across my classes, effectively finding time in my teaching to do another REQUIRED part of my job. While it is true that I could take time out of my non-work life instead, protecting students from the reality that my institution expects work from me that they don't support, I refuse to do that.

I'm not sure how protecting students from that reality teaches them, or how it helps the cause of higher education. At the end of the day, students become taxpaying voters. Why should they vote for more state support of higher education if their undergraduate institutions did a job that was just great (from a student's perspective) without more funding? Why should parents of current students support higher education funding, if their kids are doing just fine under the cuts, getting one heck of a college education? Clearly, higher education is not in crisis if students are not affected! This "crisis" is actually a blessing, right? It means we can "trim the fat" from these institutions, and put those fat-cat professors who only work 12 hours a week in their places!

And yet, the rhetoric that I hear most frequently as we discuss the dire budget situations across the country and at my own institution involves faculty (and to a lesser extent staff) taking one for the team so that students will not be affected by reality. Here's another example. A colleague of mine asked me, just days after the budget for the entire program (which has no permanent faculty housed in it) was slashed, to serve as director of Vibrant Interdisciplinary Program. If I had agreed, I would get two courses of release time (except probably not - a few weeks later they tried to take away that release time from people in administrative posts that were similar) and a small (TINY - think less than 5 grand) stipend (for which in exchange I'd be on a 12-month contract - meaning 25% more work for only 10% more pay). I said, swiftly and with conviction, no. Every time there has been a budget crises in the history of the university, this program's budget gets annihilated, and yet, faculty keep the program afloat out of the goodness of their hearts. Students never know that the university continually undermines this program, refuses to give it the resources it needs (last year they took away its administrative assistant, which means the director now serves as the program's secretary as well), and basically undercuts any attempts the program makes to grow. Does this serve this program? No. It doesn't. And it also doesn't serve students, because students who choose this program could really learn something about the content of this program from watching how the program itself is treated. Instead, students are given the impression that the inequities and injustices that they study in the classroom don't actually exist in the real world. Nice.

Professors across the country are taking pay cuts and going on furloughs, and the rhetoric is, "but obviously I care so much about students that I will work for free in order to shield them from the reality that there just isn't enough money for [insert thing central to student learning and success here]." Effectively, when professors make the choice to work on days when they are on furlough, to do the same amount and quality of work for less compensation (whether in pay or time), or to teach more classes without overload pay, they are extending a line of credit to institutions (and by extension, to state legislatures) that nobody is ever going to pay back. Because that's the thing: the benefit for this uncompensated labor is not, ultimately, to individual students. It is to those budgets that find a big pot of free money that will seemingly never dry up and that will seemingly never need to be repaid.

I'm lucky that at my institution we are not (at this point) discussing furloughs. But I'll tell you what. If we were? I can say with certainty that I wouldn't do a lick of work on those non-teaching days for which I wasn't being paid. Yes, I would walk into class and explain that I didn't grade because I was on furlough. Yes, I would explain that students would need to run discussion in the following class because I would be on furlough the day before. Not because there wouldn't be work to do, or because it wouldn't affect my students, but rather because it would affect my students, and perhaps that's the only way to make the point. If we don't value our own labor, why do we expect upper administration at our institutions, state legislators, or taxpayers to do so? Why do we expect students to do so?

And at the end of the day, isn't the attitude that we've got to protect the kids (or ourselves) from financial reality at least part of what got us (broadly) into this mess in the first place? The idea that we are entitled to things that we don't pay for and that we can't afford? How exactly does continuing in that vein when it comes to higher education help to solve the problem?



***Note: I just want to state for the record that I know that for the untenured and the non-tenure-track that the above position just doesn't work for any number of reasons. My point, I suppose, is that it's the job of people with tenure to fight this fight, precisely because we have the job security and status to do so.

Yippee!

So you know how I agonized over that revise and resubmit? Well. Pending a few more minor revisions, IT SHALL BE PUBLISHED! I just received word today! Huzzah!

What this means is that it is entirely likely that I will have not one, not two, but THREE publications appearing in 2010 (well, or one may be 2011, but you see), of which I was sure of NONE of them as recently as THE BEGINNING OF MAY. So, the point here is that even when one doesn't think that the scholarship is going terribly gangbusters, it can be going gangbusters without you even knowing about it! And then people tell you they will publish your things! Like magic!

(Well, like magic with a lot of moaning and work and agony and slogging away and guilt and procrastination and buckling down and and and. But magic nonetheless.)

Cucumber and Onion Salad

So, I've spent today doing things around the house. I'm not really into father's day this year, as you might imagine, though I did call G. on the phone.

Anyway. One of the things that I just finished doing was making a cucumber and onion salad that always reminds me of my Polish grandpa on my mom's side, the father of 10 and so who better to think of on Father's Day? He died when I was 7, but this salad was one of his favorites, it's super easy, and much more delicious than the ingredients would indicate. You will find many a recipe for this online, recipes that call for fancy newfangled ingredients like "lemon juice," and that call for a specific type of onion, fresh dill, etc. All of this is far too fancy and detail-oriented for this salad, and also, it's not like people in Poland had lemons, so I do not feel badly for ignoring these modifications. My experience with this salad is that it did not have such high-falutin' requirements, though it was a summertime treat, and I always felt like it was exotic because of the sour cream, which my grandmother didn't keep in the house normally. So here's the salad:

Ingredients:

• 2 cucumbers (medium to large in size), peeled, and chopped into bite-sized half-circles.
• 1 small onion, sliced very thinly (I like to do circles, as if you were making super tiny onion rings)
• 1/4 to 1/2 cup of sour cream (depending on how sour creamy you like things; reduced fat works fine, but don't use nonfat or it's not going to be right in terms of taste/texture. People claim you can use greek yogurt, but I'm in love with sour cream and I can't imagine substituting it out.)
• Salt
• Black pepper
• Paprika

Instructions:

1. Peel and chop the cucumbers, put in a big bowl, and add the salt. As you know, I do not measure when I cook. I'd say start with a 1/2 tsp. kosher salt, and add more later if you feel like it needs it. The reason for adding the salt at this step is that it starts to get the liquid out of the cucumbers.
2. Slice the onion, and when finished, mix the onion in with the cucumbers.
3. Add the sour cream, and black pepper and paprika to taste.
4. Mix.
5. Stick in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours to let the flavors marry (and also to let the sour cream become more like a dressing by mixing with the liquid from the salted cucumber and onion).

Probably would serve a good 4-6 people as a side salad, though I can't imagine that as I could eat this all day long until it was gone.

Free at Last! Hostage No Longer!

Once upon a time, in April of 2004, Crazy gave a conference paper, which she then submitted to the organizers for a potential publication. At some point over the next year, it was decided that an essay collection would be organized with the most fancy of the papers, and so Crazy had to transform this conference paper into a full-length article. This actually involved a fair bit of work on her part, as in the intervening year, she'd had another article accepted that was a variation on this material. So in other words, she had to make sure that she wasn't repeating herself or saying identical things from one piece to the other.

So. Crazy turns the paper into an article. There is interest from a publisher. I think three - perhaps four? - rounds of fairly substantial revisions happen. And then the publisher announces that they've changed the direction of their list and they're not publishing this sort of thing anymore. This was like a year ago? I think? There have been many times over the past years when I've wanted to take this article back. I mean, sheesh. This thing could have been out ages ago if I'd just submitted it to a journal. But my friends/mentors are the editors, and it would have been bad form for me to pull the piece, and it's not like I was desperate for it to be out anyway or like I needed the publication.

But so anyway, it's been a full five years since I had the idea for this article or even cared about this idea. And the collection has just received a contract with a fantabulous university press! Hooray! Huzzah! The article that was being held hostage will finally see the light of day!

Ah, That's More Like It!

I was very cranky yesterday - pretty much all day. In part, this had to do with the fact that I had to have an unpleasant medical procedure yesterday that left me out of sorts, and then I was just irritated by a vast array of topics, not the least of which involving my teaching load for the fall. Anyway. I taught my class last night, giving them a prorated amount of my attention to match my prorated salary, and then I came home and talked to BFF, and went to bed to begin my rereading of the Potter books. But so anyway, this morning I have awakened with a much brighter outlook on life, and I'm feeling positively chipper. I made very delicious coffee, and I have high hopes for a day that is both productive and pleasant.

On the agenda for today:

• make a pot of chili.
• work on at least one syllabus for fall. Actually, did two!
• run dishwasher.
• sort laundry.
• work out.
• teach (which this evening will involve showing a movie, I do believe - which will give me time for grading)

All in all, I think it shall shape up to be a fine, fine Wednesday. Or, at least, I've decided that I need to make it a fine, fine Wednesday.

Do You Ever Get That Feeling...

that because you manage to accomplish things without institutional support that they now have decided that you don't "need" support because you manage "just fine" without?

I have that feeling right now. And my response is that I will not be doing so much grading in the fall, I'm eliminating my availability for student mentoring (for things like theses and such), I'm refusing any and all service requests (beyond those to which I am already committed) no matter how noble the cause. Because you know what? This is bullshit. Let some of the people who are getting help do the motherfucking work.

A Compendium of Posts about Blogging under a Pseudonym

I am bored by conversations about whether it's appropriate to blog under a pseudonym, whether anonymity and pseudonymity are both just "hiding," and about the link between writing under one's legal name and "accountability" or "authenticity." I am bored by them because apparently, I have done at least 6 or 7 substantive posts (perhaps more - I didn't actually go digging with a great deal of zeal) since I started blogging in this space in 2006. That's right. This whole line of conversation is three freaking years old. Actually - older. Indeed, way back in olden times when I had my old blog I even posted about this stuff. So really, is it possible that I have more to say?

For the moment, no. Other than that I can't believe some people are still equating anonymity and pseudonymity, and that I am extremely irritated by the suggestion that people who blog under pseudonyms should be pitied, for "they're not beginning to use the power of this new medium."

For those of you who may wonder what I have thought about issues of pseudonymity, back when I actually thought it was something interesting and new about which to think and write, check out the following links:

• The Personal and the Public
• Pseudonymity, Blogging as a Genre, Etc.
• Jo(e)'s Pseudonymity Meme
• Isn't It Ironic? Don't Ya Think?
• Blogging
• PSEUDONYMITY Is Not Anonymity, duh
  
• Blogging Angst
  

These posts will give you hours worth of material about which to think. They talk about blogging without tenure, blogging as a woman, the conventions of writing under a pseudonym, the stupidity of people thinking that one is not authentic if one doesn't use one's legal name, the freedom and constraints that come with pseudonymity, pseudonymity and community-building, etc.

If there's anything I've not covered, I'm at a loss for what it is. And thus, this will be my all-purpose post from now until the end of time related to these issues.

Fitness (sigh)

Since January 31, I've gained 15 lbs. This is pretty much the opposite of what I'd aimed to do this year, as even before this 15 lbs, I had some weight to lose. But so, now I'm even further in the hole. However. I did have a lot of shit go down this spring, and well, apparently I ate my feelings, but that's no reason to feel badly about myself now. Now, I've gotten all of the things that are super-stressful off my plate (literally), and now it's time to focus on the physical as well as the intellectual/emotional. I figure I've got 2 months to really make some good habits, and the idea is that with that much time to get the habits set that they will carry through in the academic year. In theory this academic year will be easier than last (only teaching 2 days a week, shouldn't be the year of death and relationship upheaval). Also, I'm hoping that after two solid months of putting this as the number one priority that I'll see some positive results that will motivate me.

God, I know this is boring. Even I'm bored and it's about me. But yeah, that's what's on my mind since getting the complete draft of the article hammered out (I had allowed myself to get all of the writing projects off the table before embarking on this project - I figured I'd have a greater chance of success if I did it that way).

Ok, now must shower and get ready to go to school.

Stuff and Nonsense

• Will it stop raining before nightfall for at least 45 minutes? And, if so, how does one know when that 45 minutes will happen? Because I would like to get a walk in today, but I am not going to get wet on purpose in order to do it.
• It occurs to me that I'd be a much more fit person if I had a dog rather than the two lazy kitties who share my home. Or, if we're really honest, I'd have an obese dog.
• The kittens are grand, by the by. The Man-Kitty especially has been working up to do a post. He isn't telling what it will involve: he would like to keep an aura of mystery and suspense around the project. Mr. Stripey makes a noise that sounds something like this in your direction: "Blllrrrilllppp!" He also puffs out his cheeks and makes clicking sounds. As of yet, only an errant housefly or spider and the Man-Kitty know what these noises mean.
• I defrosted and cleaned my refrigerator today. Eww. Only now clean, so yay.
• I also took myself out for coffee, where I began making a grocery list and enjoyed a iced chai tea latte. Yummy.
• I'm currently reading The Secret History, which I'd thought I'd read before, but apparently no. It's pretty engaging, though for me it was a bit slow in the beginning.
  
• Ok, just took a gander at the hourly forecast, and apparently there is the potential of severe thunderstorms with hail and lightening strikes throughout the evening. I will not be braving the elements for a walk. ETA: This was a lie. Well, maybe there will be more storms, but it looked like it was clearing, so I chanced it. By the time I was sweatily coming home from my walk, the skies had cleared and the sun was shining. Stupid forecasters.
  
• I do believe that's all. I should return some phone calls, although I'm not really feeling like talking on the phone. Perhaps I'll make a snack for myself and read a bit, and then see how I feel.
  

Aw Yeah Aw Yeah!

The article, while not finished, is complete! Hooray!

Still to be done: I need to let it sit for a couple of days (for my scholarship must age like a fine wine), weave in a bit more theory/criticism, and copy-edit. But this requires me letting the thing go until at least Monday. Which means that my weekend is MINE! This, my friends, is spectacular.

In non-article-related stuff, thanks for your comments to yesterday's post. The support helps, and it also helped to write about it all. Now let's hope that I shall have frivolous and non-article-related things to discuss in the coming days and weeks!

Taking Care of Business, Taking Care of Me

I don't usually think of myself as the sort of person who puts other people's needs in front of my own. The problem with that, however, is that on occasion, I have been known to do so. Since I don't think of myself as this sort of person, it can take me a really long time to figure out that I can periodically and in certain situations do that to my own detriment.

This summer, thus far, has been all about me taking care of me in terms of where I'm investing my emotional and intellectual energy. This is important, because 1) I need to get myself back in a happy place after all of the upheaval of the past academic year, and 2) I need to realize that my happiness isn't something that should be an afterthought. I'm sure this sounds selfish. I don't mean for it to sound selfish. It's not like I don't care about other people - my friends, my family. I do. But there's caring and then there's caring. And I can't be my last priority and then expect that I'll be higher on other people's lists.

One thing that I think has been helping me to become centered in this way has been working on scholarly stuff. The job may be just a job (and I do think that it is) but scholarship is part of my identity. When I'm not thinking in that particular way, I think I lose myself a little bit. So as much as I've been struggling through this article I'm working on, it is making me feel like I'm getting back in touch with who I am in important ways. It's nice to have that kind of focus; it's nice to feel like I'm working toward something concrete. And, while I love teaching and I'm passionate about teaching, I never feel this kind of focus in relation to it. Maybe because it's too interactive? Too immediate? (Which of course are the reasons that I love teaching.) I'm not sure.

But one result of all of this is that I've pulled back lately from taking care of other people, or, probably I should admit, a particular person. It became clear to me a few months back that my desire to take care of this person, which came from a real and genuine emotional place - or, let's just call a spade a spade, love - was ultimately not good for me. Now, I didn't shut this person out entirely, and I really do wish it would be possible to maintain a friendship with this person. But apparently the pulling back that I've done for my own good has caused this person pain. While I feel badly about the result, I can't find it in myself to revise my approach. I can't find it in myself to be "nice" or to go back to the way things were, or to forget what I've figured out about this relationship. I can't find it in myself to care about myself less. And, since I'm laying it all out on the table, I also can't find it in myself to feel guilt over how things are going.

I worry, though, that this means I'm a hard person. I worry that this means that I'm not an open and loving person. I don't believe that these things are true, but they nevertheless cross my mind.

The thing is, it's not easy to set new boundaries. It's not easy to protect oneself from past mistakes. It's not easy to refuse a person for whom you really do care a great deal, especially when you know that your refusal hurts that person. But I can't in good conscience do anything else. I have to take care of myself right now. I know this. The other person doesn't seem to get that. The other person seems only to see his own position, his own problems, his own predicament. And I think this person kind of hates me for pulling back. I think this person sees this as me not giving a shit about him.

I've tried to explain myself to him, but I think that may be doing more harm than good. I think that I may be cruel to him, when I think that what I'm being is honest. I know that historically I've had a hard time realizing when what I think of as honesty is really cruelty.

This is what happens when I realize that it's time for me to take care of me, maybe. Maybe I become cruel.

In spite of all of that, though, I feel very centered right now, and even happy. Maybe not ecstatically happy, but basically, happy. My life is what I want for it to be right now, if I'm honest with myself about how I'm really feeling. I'd rather be taking care of myself than waiting for somebody else to do it when that person just isn't going to do it. And it's difficult for me to beat myself up for that (although I've given it the good college try in this post), just because somebody spewed some passive-aggressive bullshit at me via email. What I feel more than anything, about the passive-aggressive bullshit, is anger. Anger at myself for responding to it, even if I did protect myself in my response, and anger that this person doesn't seem to see why things are as they are, that this person is projecting onto what I do/say/write things that I don't mean. Clearly, I give a shit. But, no, I won't hurt myself in order for somebody else to feel better. I feel like the distinction here is a pretty easy one to get.

And so, I return to the article. It's going along well, I think. I think I've finally figured out the structure of the thing, and what I actually mean to say. And as silly as this article is, I suspect it will be more widely read than most of what I've written to this point - it might even be a thing that non-academic family and friends could plow their way through and be interested in - and that is satisfying. And I suppose I'll run the dishwasher, and have a glass of wine. Because at the end of the day, I'm in a good place. And I'm not going to let the haters get in the way of that.

Freaky Shit

As if I needed another reason to boycott the Facebook.

I just got a recommendation to friend the guy from this fateful date. Let's just note that we (as far as I was aware) knew no person in common and we have not spoken since that night. I kind of want to kill myself if the world is this small. Seriously.

Um... Later Start Than I'd Anticipated...

I blame the fact that it's a gloomy, rainy day. And for whatever reason I was exhausted last night and thus needed lots of rest. But so what this means is that the whole "finish the article goal" that I'd set yesterday may well not happen today. See, I have plans to meet BES for coffee at two, and my original plan had been to go to the coffee shop like 3 hours before in order to get some solid work done ahead of time. Given the fact that I probably won't be able to get myself showered and out of the house before 12:30 (and that is if I'm excessively motivated), the reality is that I'm just not going to be able to work on the article solidly until after my class tonight (which lets out at 9 PM), which I'm thinking probably won't happen since Top Chef Masters premieres at 10. Now, once upon a time when I was a spry young graduate student I might have thought to myself, "Self, you can totally start working in earnest on the article at 11 PM!" I think, however, that this is totally unrealistic.

And so. I'll do what I can on the article today, but I think the more realistic goal is to say that Friday is D-Day for the article. One can only do what one can do. And hell, it's summer. And the thing isn't due until the end of the month.

So yeah, that's pretty much all that's going on in this neck of the woods. I've become a ridiculously boring blogger this month, but I think a) this is pretty normal for me in the month of June and b) it may well be a sign of the fact that I'm relaxed and pretty content at the moment. I've just got nothing. I hang out, I teach, I think about my article. Boring, and perhaps exactly what I need this summer.

Mmm. Yummy Lunch, and Other Thoughts on a Monday

So I just made myself a delicious tuna salad wrap for lunch (am back on the healthy eating bandwagon which is doing wonders for my mood and sense of well being - now I've just got to get back in the groove with working out), and now I'm considering whether I should be productive this afternoon or whether I should indulge myself in lazing about. Note: I ended up going to the pool yesterday rather than working on the article all day, so it's not like there was no lazing about this weekend, though it is true that I worked on the article for about 2 solid hours last night. With a few small gaps, I do have a complete draft (I'd say about 50% of it is tight and close to publishable - the other 50% needs some major editing/revision). I think I need to let it sit today, maybe, print out a copy, and then go from there tomorrow or the next day. Hmmm. That seems like a reasonable plan.

You know, maybe I should work out this afternoon. The problem is, I don't actually feel like going to the gym but it's kind of gross (hot/humid) outside. I suppose I must think on this.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I do have lots of things I need to begin thinking about accomplishing this summer, but for now, I'm sort of enjoying just chilling out. I suppose I will go in to the office no later than 4, though, so that I can get some grading done and some prep, and maybe do some stuff around my office. Right now, though, I think I might go have a banana.

Buckling Down Sucks

It is a beautiful, gorgeous, sunshine-y day outside, and I am chained to my computer writing an article I don't know how to write that is, as far as I can tell, going to be an embarrassment to me as well as to the collection of which it will be a part. I am not feeling hopeful about my ability to turn it into something other than a steaming pile of crap.

Why didn't I just go to the pool today?

I'll tell you why: because I need to get this thing done. Once it's done, I can go to the pool every single day guilt-free. Or even if it's not done-done, but just a complete and polishable draft - that would be good enough. But I cannot have fragments of notes, no structure, and all of the bits and pieces of nonsense that I currently have. I have a whole paragraph of rhetorical questions, people. This is not good writing.

You know what the problem is? I don't know how to write about shit where there is like NO criticism of it already. I mean, sure, that's what makes this probably the most important (ha!) work I've ever done - it will be among the first pieces of criticism about this thing. But seriously: how does one write something with any scholarly merit when you're just blabbing about reviews in Entertainment Weekly and crap? JUST HOW? And how does one not be derogatory to a TV Guide critic who said something that just doesn't make any sense at all about exactly what you're writing about?

I know I just need to do this thing. I know that it does not need to be perfect, or even very good, at this stage of the game. But it's difficult to keep working on something that you have come to decide is the most ridiculous thing you've ever attempted to write. (And yes, this is more ridiculous than posts on this blog in which I write in the voices of my cats. At least those are funny.)

Summer Teaching: Just What the Doctor Ordered?

I've just finished my first week of my eight weeks of summer teaching. Now, I've been feeling quite cranky about having to teach, just in a general sort of a way, but let me tell you: I think that this is actually a good thing for my psyche right now.

See, I felt so out of sorts all spring. My classes weren't the worst I've ever taught (well, at least 2 of the 4 were ok), but I really did not have my usual teaching mojo. Really, this spring I didn't have much mojo at all, if we're going to be real about it. But these classes I'm teaching right now? Off to an excellent start. One class is more... outgoing... than the other so far, but this may have to do with the material more than it has to do with the potential. Whatever the case, I know how to get students actively engaged, so I'm not worried even about the second group. No. I really have this.

It helps that both of these classes are gen eds that I could teach in my sleep. There is something about teaching classes that require no prep that makes teaching truly, truly joyous. I just walk in, open my book, and voila! I teach! It's all there in my brain! I don't even need notes! Or what notes I need are in the book! I don't need to think about the material - I just need to respond to the students and to the vibe in the classroom, and the time just flies by.

And you know, that's what I think good teaching really should be, ultimately. It really should be me without a precise agenda just working the room. Or, perhaps, more precisely: yes, I've got an agenda, but it's so ingrained that it is subordinate to what is happening in the class in the moment, and subordinate to what students have to say. It still gets accomplished, but I don't need to be so heavy-handed. I don't need to hammer my agenda home - it's just there in the background happening.

But so anyway, in spite of the fact that I do resent teaching in the summer - and I do, even though I'm doing it with a purpose and I have chosen it - I think that perhaps teaching this summer is really helping me to get my confidence back after what was a pretty awful spring. It's easier to be a good teacher when I've got none of the other commitments of my job breathing down my neck. It's easier to think about my teaching when I can focus on it almost completely for discrete periods of time. So as much as I resent that I don't have this summer off, I also kind of think it's a good thing.

That said, I need to write for the next two days solidly to get on track with my other goals for the month. And I need to start thinking in earnest about my fall classes, about the conference I'm in the beginning stages of planning, and I need to get on coming up with my sabbatical application project. The idea is, I'm going to get all of these things ironed out (in a fashion) by the time that summer teaching is done, so that when I'm done with July, I'm totally free for about three weeks of leisure. I need the three weeks of leisure, and I need to remember that those are there waiting for me if I get things done now.

So that's the latest in the World of Crazy.

Key, Found!

Apparently, I just had to blog about it twice. This makes me very happy, indeed. Also, both of my classes are now in the room in which I most enjoy teaching. Now I think I'm going to see if my library has the movie version of the thing that I'm teaching today, so that perchance I can show some portions of it.

You Know, I Think Facebook is Giving Me Low Self Esteem

I don't know how much more I really want to say about it other than that, but seriously. I may need to give up facebooking for a while, because it's making me feel like I'm a lame loser.

In other news, apparently I never signed the form that said I received that key. This is intriguing. So either I took the key from my mailbox and carried it somewhere (with the only likely place being my office, though that seems unlikely since normally when I get keys I immediately put them on my keyring) or someone stole my key. Totally. Though I bet I've just misplaced it.

You know what's becoming clear to me over the past few weeks? How totally fucked up I was all spring long. It's like I've just woken up from a dream in which I lost tons of things, forgot to do tons of things, and completely fell apart. And now I'm like, seriously? All of this was going on? Huh?

I need lunch, but I am feeling very lazy and I don't know what I want to eat. Sigh.

Blogging the Lost

Ummm.... I feel like I was given keys for the classroom I'm supposed to be teaching in within the hour. Are they on my desk? Lost in my bag somewhere? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

(This is why it's totally uncool for our very efficient office person to give people like me at the end of April keys that I won't actually need until June. Just saying.)

RBOC, Because That's How Boring I Am

• Summer teaching is underway. I am feeling pretty good about the first class, and I'll find out how I feel about the second class tonight. We shall see.
• I have been busy attempting to get that article for the collection done, although mainly this has involved watching many episodes of the television show about which I am writing.
  
• I seriously might be the most boring person in the world. Because I can't actually think of anything to write other than those first two bullets. How pathetic.
  

Social Butterfly, Part Two

I have booked my tickets to go see FL over my birthday weekend! I'm so excited! Sure, I've avoided going to see him for years, for all of my exes end up in NC, and so I have felt like it was not a good state for me, but it shall be grand! Hurrah!