Alright. So in two particular ways, I do think that my participation in Fb has been good for the content of this here blog.
#1 Facebook takes care of my need to take quizzes, as well as of my meming needs. No longer do I litter up this space with quiz results or with memes.
#2 A lot of my general complaints now get sent the way of facebook status updates, as opposed to making it onto this here blog (I'm not Fb friends with immediate work colleagues, which contributes to this).
Except, apparently over the past few weeks, I've become a Facebook Vortex of Negativity. On the one hand, I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. It's a way for me to get the negativity out without devoting much time or space or thought to it. On the other hand, it really sucks, as it means that all many people (aunts, cousins, friends from elementary school, high school friends, etc.) hear from me is bitching. That's not really on, I'm not thinking. On the other hand, perhaps it's better than uber-positive updates about knitting projects and other erstwhile accomplishments, which annoy the fuck out of me when I read them in my own newsfeed, if they're not also tempered with things that aren't like "hey, look how great my life is! I'm so great! Can't you tell how great I am from my status updates!" which I read as disingenuous.
What's sort of interesting is that while there is some overlap between my blog audience and my Fb audience, there's also a lot of disparity. This disparity makes for some of the reason why I post some things here and some things there. Weirdly, I'm more public on the blog than I am on Fb, even though my name is not technically linked to the blog. I think that more people know who Dr. Crazy is in real life than are my friends on Fb. In fact, I know that's likely true. So the persona on the blog has in fact, since Fb, become more of a persona, whereas the real shit is obliquely and yet more accurately recorded through my Fb status updates. The result, however, is that real life people are worried that I'm super-duper stressed all the time, perhaps in part because they don't have access to the blog. Fb has become my dumping ground, whereas I think about a wider range of things on the blog, or at least a less immediate range of negative things.
So. I think I'm going to try for the next while not to be a vortex of negativity on Fb, while at the same time I don't let my negative feelings bleed over in stupid ways onto the blog. This is not to say that I won't feel the negative things, for clearly, that would be fucked up, to shut off the negative things that I genuinely feel. But rather that I won't poison other people so much with my negative things, whether on Fb or here.
Look, it's the end of the semester. I'm tired. I've applied for a ton of things for the coming semester and year (sabbatical, summer fellowship, course release, other monies) and I know about none of those yet. The only one I feel fairly secure in is sabbatical, and even that I wonder whether I'll get it, because I feel so downtrodden and abused lately. And I've been working like a dog. I'm pissed off, pretty much all the time. Not because of students or because of my job itself or even most of the time because of colleagues. It's just that I've been working so hard and I need tangible, concrete acknowledgment and reward for the work that I do. I know raises aren't happening anytime soon, and I know that times are tough. I know that nothing right now is a done deal, regardless of merit. But I've worked so hard and I've sacrificed so much and if none of my ships come in? Seriously? Who knows how I'll handle that. Because I need at least one of these to happen, I need at least some acknowledgment that somebody at this institution gets how much my work means. Especially since I recognize that I'm basically stuck here for the duration, given the economy and higher ed funding and the fact that I'm a tenured lady and given my field.
Here's the thing: I've got a lot of colleagues, senior to me, junior to me, across the university and within my department, who know that the work that I do matters. I got a lovely email from my chair today, even, complimenting me on my hard work. All of these people give me tons and tons of praise. And that means so much, in its way. But none of that is acknowledgment from the institution. Sure, I got tenure, and maybe I should be happy with that, but I'm not. Tenure here doesn't necessarily mean that upper administration gets it. Let's face it: tenure here is sort of a de facto position. It only means that you didn't suck enough to be denied. I want acknowledgment beyond my award of tenure. And maybe that makes me greedy, but that's how I feel. How I feel is like I need more than tenure. I need funding, I need time. I need the support to do the things that I can potentially do. And if that support doesn't come? I feel like I'm very close to giving up. I feel like I'm very close to checking out. I feel like I'm very close to becoming the kind of professor that I despise.
Lately, all of these feelings are very evident in my Fb updates, though I've been trying (though not always successfully) to keep this crap away from the blog. It's not good reading. I think that perhaps some positive thinking is in order. I think that perhaps giving in to the negativity will produce negative results.
3 years ago