Tuesday, May 09, 2006

In Which Dr. Crazy Feels Like Goldilocks

I know. You've been waiting impatiently to hear my report from the weekend, and I have failed to deliver until Tuesday. What is wrong with me? Don't I realize that people all over America, nay, the World, want to know what happened with the Greek?

Well, actually, I'm sure you've not all given it very much thought, but as I did promise an update, I should give one, right? But so here's why I haven't written until now: it's because I didn't quite know how to write yet another post in which I say, "Nice but so not for Dr. Crazy." Is there something wrong with me that this is my response to things with all of these suitors? Is there something wrong with them? What gives?

Before I delve into the analysis of all of that stuff, the deal with the Greek was this. He is huge. By huge, I do not mean "not an Adonis"; I do not mean "I am so picky that I can't overlook some things." I mean that when I sat next to him at the movies that I could hear his breathing, as if it was labored because of the extra weight he's carrying. I mean that when we went to dinner, he had to specify to the person seating us that we needed a table because he's too big to fit in a booth. And so I had a nice time with him, and I he is a nice man, but no. I cannot sign on for somebody who would be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. And so I didn't know how to write this post for three days because I felt like I was shallow for feeling that way or that I am too judgmental or something, but the thing is, maybe I just need to embrace the fact that I'm shallow, because clearly, from the whole "The Chemist is too small!" and "The Greek is too big!" reactions, I'm only in the market for somebody who is "just right."

Yes, in part this is physical. But it's NOT only physical. It's also that at the end of the day I don't think that I'm looking for "companionship" or "a nice man" to spend time with. Not that I'm looking for a mean man, or that I don't want a companion, but I am not yet at the point that I am willing to settle for any kind of companionship that presents itself to me.

I am not a lonely person. Yes, I have lonely moments. Yes, I want a boyfriend. Yes, I am dying to have some kind of sexual contact with another human being. But I don't think that I'm cut out for a system that is supposed to be built on liking somebody for their personality first. That's not how attraction works for me. And I don't believe (ultimately) that attraction can develop over time. I think that there is an immediate spark with people with whom we might end up - maybe we don't always recognize it as physical attraction or chemistry or romantic feeling, but I do believe that there is an immediate spark that happens in person when we meet somebody. And I don't think that there is any replacement for that.

And maybe it is possible to meet somebody online and then to feel that spark when you meet in person. I'm not saying it isn't. But that has SO not been the case for me.

And so. It is summer. I'm going back to being a free agent. And I feel like somebody will come along. I mean, hell, I met my last pseudo-boyfriend at my house. (Well, I was sitting outside and he was my neighbor's friend, but whatever.) I didn't even go out, and I found a way to get laid. And I've been working out and I look really good right now, and well, I think I'm going to operate on the Field of Dreams theory of dating - that I'm building it, and so they will come. And if by summer's end I'm still in these dire straits? Maybe I'll give online dating another try. Or, more likely? I'm going on the market. It may just be that this city is not for me.

13 comments:

BrightStar said...

I hope you find someone "just right." :)

Kate said...

I'm with B*. You're doing the right thing by trusting your instincts, and keeping your standards high.

seadragon said...

I like that, the Field of Dreams theory. It's annoying as hell when people tell you that you find the best companions when you're "not looking", but in some ways it is better to just do what makes you happy, and see what happens.

Good for you.

Addy N. said...

ditto- There's no point compromising or 'settling' for someone if the feelings just aren't there. I don't think you are shallow at all- when you meet the 'right' person, you'll know!

Derrick said...

Shallow or not, I don't see a problem with your choice. I carry more extra weight than I should. I ain't huge but...I wouldn't date me, either!

(That's probably the first time in history a man actually wrote down that he wasn't huge.)

Anastasia said...

for what it's worth, I don't think you sound shallow. being overweight is one thing, but the lifestyle that must accompany being morbidly obese is something else altogether. It isn't just a matter of body size. It goes to the way the person chooses to be in the world, and that has to be part of attraction (or not).

Anastasia said...

and I was like *dying* for an update.

Dr. Crazy said...

Thanks for the comments, everybody :) See, I think the thing that I felt bad about is that normally I'd say that weight isn't a huge issue with me - I've dated guys who carry a little extra weight, and it's not a big deal. Some love handles, a little tummy, fine. But when you can't sit in any seat you want? When you don't walk up stairs? That's a big deal to me. And it is a lifestyle thing - I want to ride on planes and roller coasters and things! I don't need a person to be a male model, but I would like them to care about their health and to be able to do things that are fun, you know?

chris said...

You shouldn't have to apologize for not being attracted to another person.

You should be rewarded for your (body)"building" efforts with a "field" that is equally well manicured/tended/crafted... or something like that.

helenesch said...

Ditto what the others have said--you really shouldn't feel bad about this!

And I like your attitude about it being summer and all. I haven't had much success here in meeting interesting men to date, but I've made a couple of good women friends in the most unliekly places (which gave me hope on the dating front!) So you never know what can happen...

Piss Poor Prof said...

You shouldn't feel as if you have to apologize for wanting what you want. It seems that for you (and this is by no means a judgment as I too feel this way) the extra weight signals to other traits that are just not attractive.

I see your post akin to my dating experience...there are just some signals that need to be heeded.

Keep the faith. Yours will come.

Eddie said...

I don't think you're being shallow either. If you're not attracted, then you're not attracted. Just think of how many men have dumped girls for issues way less important!

(btw, please note my new blog address)

--CE

Dr. Lisa said...

As a general rule, I discourage against making the assumption that you can make conclusions about the rest of a person's life based on his/her weight (a la the "this clearly points to other problems, because thin people have their lives together" assumption). We all have dysfunctions in our lives--his happens to be visible and socially unacceptable. When you are dealing with relationships, you pick the dysfunctions you can live with and the ones you can't. If this isn't one of them, it's not one of them.

Too bad. I had high hopes for him.

At the risk of being pedantic, my Homey is a heavy breather and he's a rail. It's asthma with him--and it's rotten this time of year where we live.