I Do Too Much Work

So, it's Wednesday, and I'm thoroughly and completely wiped out. Why is it that "short" weeks always seems to be so much more grueling than regular ones? But so anyway, over the past two days I have:

1. Taught three classes.
2. Had a planning lunch with some colleagues.
3. Agonized over the "gross" thing.
4. Prepped.
5. Done shit for a committee I'm chairing.
6. Held the meeting for that same committee (which was fabulously short and filled with consensus).
7. Begun work on the Evil Binder of Reappointment, Tenure, and Promotion, which we must submit each and every year at my institution and which is due very soon.

It's actually #7 that makes me realize that I do too much work, because there is a rule about keeping one's materials to one binder, and I'm now at the biggest binder in existence and I've got no fucking room, and so rather than just adding things I'm having to edit and reorganize, in addition to just updating statements and such. Now, the thing is, there is crap that I can edit out of this thing. Some of what's in there is filler, and it is in there because in the first three years you feel like you don't have enough and because you listen to all of the advice that tells you to include each and every thing that documents your work. But the reality at this point for me is that including each and every thing is no longer possible, necessary, or positive. Because the thing of it is, I've done enough at this institution to get two or three people tenure here. Part of that is because I'm ambitious in spite of my circumstances. Part of that is because my personal life has been on hold since being on the tenure-track (with some diversions, yes, but still, basically on hold - I'm not raising babies or anything that takes the focus away from work in a sustained way). But so it's not about including every single thing anymore, but more about including what is most essential and most glowing. In addition to some other crap that just everybody includes.

But so here I am, on Wednesday night, fucking beat. And tomorrow, while it will not be as long of a day as the past two days have been, does promise to be filled with some pretty intense work as well. Sigh.

And the decision lies before me about whether I will spend Friday on that fucking binder, or whether I'll just suck it up and plan to come in on Saturday when nobody's around to knock the thing out. Ah well, I'll decide that on Friday.

In other news, there is no other news. I am a boring workaholic. That said, I'm happy with the work that I'm doing, and I am (in spite of myself) in part motivated to do all of it because another part of me is itching for the job list to come out because I'm wondering whether I'll apply for anything. And if there IS anything that I want to apply for, I need to be freed up from some of this work stuff to focus on that should it come to pass.

Now, thoughts on the market this year are very different from my thoughts last year. If I apply for anything, it won't be because I've "decided" to go on the market this year. It will be because a specific job meets a combination of these desires: 1) better location (and "better" has to do with a number of factors that are quite specific, not just moving away from here); 2) better job (that somehow combines my commitment to teaching with a lower teaching load); 3) decent cost of living (really, sadly, a deal-breaker). If there's nothing that fits with those criteria, then I'm not applying. I don't want to move just to move, nor am I in a position where I'd want to go out just to see how I'd do, even though part of me thinks that this is stupid because an offer from anyplace would give me something to negotiate with here. But the bottom line is that I've got to maximize my resources and be very focused, because I've got a book deadline, teaching, and a life outside of any market run. If I wouldn't want to move there, work there, and live there, I'm not applying. That's just how it has to be. But I've got to say, I hope that there are at least a few things that attract me.

Ok, so time to get ready for bed.

"Gross"

So I'm teaching, as I think I noted at some point a while back, a course that has some explicit material and that will perhaps challenge the values of some of my more conservative students in the class. Now, classes of this type, at other sorts of institutions, may tend to attract students who are not conservative at all - students who are exploring their own identities in such a way that they are positioning themselves outside of normative gender/sexual roles - but at my university, the subject matter doesn't necessarily inspire that sort of politically/socially identified enrollment. Students at my university are most likely to take a course because a) it fits into their schedule b) because they know/like the instructor or c) because somebody told them to take the course based on either their own experience with it or, more typically, their experience with the instructor.

We're now solidly underway with the course, and on the one hand I'm pleased with the students' commitment to the course thus far. On the other hand, I've got a handful who really don't seem to get that they need to interrogate the assumptions that they make about sexuality as they relate to normative sex/gender roles. For example I had a student say in class, without any awareness that such a comment might be perceived as offensive, that to see two men kissing is "gross." This was at the end of the class meeting, and so I didn't have time to respond at length. I responded with a bunch of questions for the class as a whole to think about for next time - questions about the construction of masculinity in relation to notions about who gets to function in culture as an object of desire, questions about whether students would be similarly bothered by the sight of two women kissing - and if not, why not - questions about why homosexuality or homoerotic representation might pose a threat to heteronormative, patriarchal culture.

I don't know whether what I did was enough. Part of me (a pretty big part) feels like it wasn't - like I should have more aggressively challenged the student's homophobic assumptions rather than posing a bunch of questions that will (I hope) get students there on their own. On the other hand, the student's comment is exactly the reason why I developed this course in the first place: the students at my university are often very sheltered and they really do not realize that such statements would be perceived as anything other than the "normal" reaction. I don't want to alienate those students who most need to be exposed to this stuff that is outside their frame of reference by shouting them down when they say offensive or homophobic things: I really want them to learn from this course and to think critically about their presuppositions, and I don't know how to make that happen without granting them the freedom to speak honestly, even if I find their honest responses disheartening (and even repugnant). What I'm thinking I'll do is to begin the next class with a bit stronger of a statement about approaching the texts of the course with an open mind and about thinking about how our comments about those texts might personally offend others in the course. But I don't know whether that really resolves the issue.

Hello! It's Been a While!

I know. You often wonder to yourself, "How does the Man-Kitty spend a holiday weekend?" Well. As you might imagine, my life is quite exciting.



Sometimes, I like to distract my mama from her work by affecting what I like to call my "Super-Kitty" pose, in which I expose my belly and stretch my front legs out as far as they can go right in her line of sight as she attempts to do her scholarly work.


Other times, I like to ignore the mama, focusing instead on sweetly hiding inside of my Man-Kitty Condo. As you might imagine, it is not easy to be such a handsome Man-Kitty. No, it is not.

A Radical Notion about Summers and Work

So as I was revising yesterday, I happened upon a provocative idea. What if, instead of beating myself up from May to August for all of the research and writing I'm not doing, what if I just said at the outset that I don't do research and writing in the summer? Because here's the thing: I don't really do research and writing in the summer. I make grand plans about doing those things, but in reality what I do in the summer is whirl around in a spiral of shame and self-recrimination about all of what I'm not doing. This, it occurs to me, is stupid. Because whether I *say* I'm going to do work and don't do it or whether I *say* I'm not going to do work - give myself permission not to do it, ultimately - and don't do it, I'm not doing work. It's just if I don't have it in my head that I'm supposed to be doing work I can spend that time when I'm not working doing stuff I actually enjoy rather than feeling guilty.

Now, this seems preferable to what I've done since getting this job, which is the whole guilt thing. But is it really a viable plan? Let's consider.

First, since getting this job, I've done the bulk of all of the research and writing that I've accomplished during the academic year. This at a teaching-intensive university that doesn't value research all that highly. This includes:

1. 2 full-length articles.
2. 2 short articles.
3. co-editing a special issue of a mini-journal.
4. My book proposal.
5. Revising and polishing the book manuscript.
6. Somewhere around 5 or 6 conference papers.

What have I done in the summers?

1. Maybe 4 conference papers.
2. Minimal work on the book (and most of this during a summer when I had a fellowship that motivated me).

So clearly, when I've got all of this unstructured time in the summer, I don't accomplish a hell of a lot. The work that I have accomplished has all been very deadline-driven.

That's the first piece of this puzzle. I am a person who is motivated by deadlines. I believe in deadlines, and I tend to respect them. I don't view my research as something that's just something I do for myself, something akin to going to the salon for beautification or watching a movie. Because I don't, I don't just wake up on a sunshiney day in the summer and say, "wow! I'd really like to write an article!"

Another piece of the puzzle is that I tend to accomplish most when I have a bunch of things going at a time. If I have something I feel like procrastinating about (prep for teaching, grading, etc.) I'm much more likely to be motivated to do research stuff because it feels like I'm playing hooky by focusing on that rather than doing the other stuff. Along with this, I feel like teaching really energizes my research - not so much the inverse. In some ways this is a chicken-egg sort of question, but I know for some people the research is ultimately what drives teaching, and whatever their current research project is heavily influences what they do or plan to do in the classroom. For me, research has tended to emerge from a tangent that happens in the classroom or an idea that pops into my head when I'm prepping something. When I've developed courses that come out of my research, I find that I'm doing something totally different with that material and it ultimately bears little relationship to (the usually quite developed) ideas that I'm exploring on the research side. This process strongly resembles the process that I used as a student, in which I would sit in class and the margins of my notes would tend to include tons of potential paper titles that would come to me in class (for I tend to begin with a title and to go from there). In other words, research ideas for me come out of conversation - they don't happen in isolation.

The final piece of the puzzle is that I know that the teaching stuff and the service stuff that makes up the bulk of my work during the academic year is going to get done no matter what else I'm doing, mainly because teaching and service, unlike research, have finite expectations and goals. This means that even if I give myself permission to put teaching and service on the back burner for a day or two that ultimately I KNOW I will return to those things because I can't NOT return. In a weird way this gives me space to do research during the academic year because it gives me a break from that stuff while also putting a finite limit on how much time I actually have for research, as opposed to the summer when there is no limit of time so one can procrastinate and procrastinate until the summer is lost.

Now, in proposing this idea, I'm not saying I'd not think all summer (because how can one stop oneself from thinking?) nor am I saying that I wouldn't do things like conference papers if I had a summer conference. And I'd still use the end of the summer to prep for classes and to do syllabi and assignments and that sort of thing, which I do now. So what I'm describing is not a true summer vacation, but rather being more realistic about what I actually motivate myself to do in the summertime. This seems possible to me, even though I have a strong impulse to call myself crazy for even considering the notion.

Superstar!

That would be me!* Somehow, in the course of this day, I managed to fucking finish and send off that essay! And I may be too close to it to know whether it really works or not with the revisions (I fear this may be the case) but for the time being, I have DONE with the damned thing! And I think it's actually more interesting now than before the revisions! ON TOP OF THAT I managed to go for a 45-minute fitness-y sort of walk (both to clear head and to work the kink out of my back), which means that I started off on my resolution to get back in the workout groove starting sept. 1 with success and not failure. ON TOP OF THAT I took care a couple of nit-picky revision things that just came in about that review essay that will come out soon, and so got that off my plate approximately 15 minutes after it landed on my plate.

Some thoughts: why have I been procrastinating on book revisions? If today is any indication of what I can do when I set my mind to it, I can knock those fuckers out in like 4 weekends of solid work. I'm an idiot. Second, wow is it fun to do research-stuff during the semester! It's like this total break from the futility of the teaching/service grind! Not that research, too, can't have its own kind of futility, but I find that I only experience this in the summertime, you know, when I'm supposed to have all this leisure to do research more effectively. Ok, must go shower, as I've finished writing this fucking thing in my sports bra and underwear (was hot after working out and apparently could not be clothed like a normal person and finish this thing at the same time) and so I'm both a) not dressed and b) gross from working out and I'm supposed to go out to dinner with BFF at 7 (which I'd set up as my reward for finishing, and it seemed to work! and those things never work for me!)




*Note to all the potential haters: I know that sort of statement comes off as arrogant and egotistical and whatever, but I'm happy and proud of myself, so if you don't like it, well, too bad for you.

Mind-Body, Body-Mind

All of this thinking I'm doing about the mind/body split and how to explode it has both my mind and my body aching. The writing goes well - only the grand finale of the revisions to complete, but I've decided that I'm going to take a break and go for a nice, long walk to work the kinks out (of my back, of the argument). It's amazing how quickly this is going, and that's another reason for the break: what if I'm just totally full of shit and that's why this is going so smoothly? Always a possibility. That said, I'm finishing this motherfucker today come hell or high water because you know why? I really don't want to work on it tomorrow.

The Bitchiness Has Lifted

Well, at least somewhat. I mean, there's always some residual bitchiness lurking about during the semester, but I'm in a MUCH better mood today than I've been over the past couple. Why?

• I am taking a wee break from cleaning my house. Now, I hate cleaning as much as the next person, but I sure do like it when the place isn't a total sty. And I especially like it when I have a clean house in which to write (which actually means a clean house that I will turn into a sty while I write, but if you start with a sty, the result is something like a squat for crack addicts, and that's not cool).
• I'm putting together a committee - a small one, but the first one I've ever chaired - that's going to hash out ideas for an intro course for a new program that we'll be rolling out next year. At first, this task was making me a bit bitchy, as figuring out who else would serve on the committee was hitting some snags. But all of the members are now in place, I am totally happy with the make-up of the committee, and I really think that it will be great to run the one meeting (as I aim to make this a one-meeting deal) super-efficiently and to come out with something that has strong consensus with which to head through the curricular process. God, all of this sounds so boring written out, but it's the little things in life that give me great joy :)
• I'm actually feeling excited and, perhaps more importantly, ready to do those revisions on that article. And I can see how it's going to work in my mind's eye, and I think that I really may have found the key to the larger ideas that I've been thinking about with my newer research stuff. Thank you, anonymous peer reviewer, for your somewhat harsh but really useful and also strangely encouraging review. You may have given me just the thing I needed for what could potentially, sooner or later, become Book #2.
• As for Book #1, I should be able to work on it in earnest as soon as the revisions are done, and that also has me energized.
• I actually feel hopeful that I will see a person who has been woefully incapable of making plans of late. Don't worry, that hope is tempered with the realistic possibility that the person will continue to be unable to make plans :)
• That said, I also found out that a bloggy friend will be attending MLA and so we shall, unless something bizarre happens, be able to meet! Hurrah! It's so much easier to see people when they go to the same places that you go. Much less effort involved.
• I'm also excited to begin my workout plans for the next month beginning tomorrow.
  

So yes, I have an altogether positive outlook today, one which has been absent for the past few days. Thank god, because I really need some energy to do all of what I need to get done.

Revision as Re-Seeing

I often say to my students that revision isn't just "fixing" things that are "wrong" with a paper, but rather has to do with re-seeing the piece of writing, approaching it from a new vantage point. This is the reason why it's good to give writing time to "age" between drafts, so that when you come back that you're not just looking for "mistakes" but rather that you're taking the whole piece of writing in with new eyes. It's also why it's good to have others look at your writing and to give you feedback.

I actually do believe that, but I also feel like it's a somewhat counterintuitive process for people who do academic writing, or at least for me doing academic writing, because at least for me, one thing that is crucial to actually getting a piece of literary critical writing done is the ability to block out everything but the thing that I'm trying to do, to visualize my purpose in a very concrete way and to avoid distraction with other ideas. And thus, when things get to the revise and resubmit stage, I often feel irritable (at first) with having to address what almost always feel to me like comments that have nothing to do with my purpose and my vision for the piece of writing.

But. Once I get over my initial irritability, I actually am pretty good at taking in the comments and trying to do something with them, to forge some compromise between what I was originally trying to do and the suggestions of the reader. And it's interesting. It's an interesting activity. A little bit humbling, but also... I don't know. I suppose that it's possible for me to throw off my original commitment to my own purpose and to visualize a new purpose through the comments. And usually (ok, always) I always feel like the fleshing out of that original purpose ends up producing something better than what I'd originally done.

But then, that begs the question: if I get so much out of feedback, ultimately, why don't I share my work - ever - before sending it off someplace? Because I don't. With anybody. Ever. It's like the research stuff is this secret, private thing that I do, and it's not until the final stage - when I actually think I'm "done" - that I can let it go and let others see it and let their feedback help me to shape things. And this fact about my own writing process is completely counter to what I encourage my students to do - indeed, make them do - in my courses. And so I wonder whether the way I do this thing in my own life is really the best thing, or I wonder whether I should be encouraging so much collaboration between students in the drafting process, because if my way is the best way, then I'm actively teaching my students to do something that's not good for them. Who knows.

But suffice it to say that apparently I'm now interested in cognitive aesthetics. Who knew?

Dragging

I am so tired this morning. Part of it is that I stay up later than I should, part of it is that I didn't get a nap in yesterday (which, of course, is how I sustain staying up later than I should: by taking a daily nap much in the way of three year olds and, from what I've heard, Matt Lauer), and part of it is that the week is winding down and I just wish it were over already. And yes, I am a very whiny person, which may or may not be an improvement on the bitchy person that I was yesterday.

Turf Wars

One of the most frustrating things about academic life, I find, is having to deal with people who don't pay any attention to the big picture but spend more time staking their claim and protecting their own interests. (Note: I realize that there are people like that everywhere, but I don't have to deal with them.) I'm not saying that it's wrong to take care of oneself or that one should throw oneself under the bus for one's institution or colleagues. It's not, and people shouldn't. But it's one thing to take care of oneself and another thing to stupidly fight over whatever turf is in question, completely disregarding the broader context that will be affected by these tiny victories.

Whatever. All I know is that this sort of stuff drives me nuts, and, as a person who tends to think more about the big picture than details, I really despise when I am made to become part of these sorts of battles.

What Year Is It Again? How Old Am I?

I just spent the past who knows how long listening to a boy/man sing along on the telephone to Def Leppard's Hysteria album. It felt oddly familiar. Why? I swear to god I did the same thing with my eighth grade boyfriend. The only difference is that now I don't have to attempt to giggle quietly for fear that my mom will burst in and scream at me for a) being up past my bedtime, b) "laughing too loudly on the phone" (a constant complaint throughout my adolescence).

I was brought back to reality when the boy/man changed the soundtrack to the band that I hate most in the whole world here in the '07, Nickelback. But so the spell was lifted, and now I'm going to sleep. For real.

You Know What's Great?

When you're doing prep for a class and the reading you're doing actually helps you to think about the article that you're revising and it gives you a total moment of clarity about how you're going to design the syllabus for the brand new prep that you have in the Spring. Hurrah! Everything is clear to me!

(I'd say more, but I really need to go back to reading and taking notes.)

Random Bullets: I'm a Workaholic Edition

• Remember how I was going to say no to every single thing in order not to become completely overloaded with service stuff? Guess who has agreed to do about 5 different things since then.
  
• In addition, I've finally started working on some revisions with a Sept. 1 deadline. That's right, I finally looked at the comments for real for the first time *today*.
  
• What we see from the above two bullets is that I am both a fool who takes on more than she should as well as a person who doesn't do the things she's already supposed to be doing, even as she says yes to ever more things.
• Don't even ask how the book's going.
• I'm sleepy. Perhaps I shall take a nap with my kitty-cat.
• Oh, and rather than work out I think I'm going to lie around and read and maybe order pizza for dinner.
  
• Yes, this is what I've become.
  

Some tips for College Life

Tip #1:

Let's say that you decide that you are the sort of person who chooses to take an elevator that is going in an opposite direction from the one that you ultimately need to go. So, say, you go up to go down, rather than waiting for the down elevator, which might be full by the time it gets to you. If you do that, getting onto an elevator that's already quite full, GET OUT OF THE WAY WHEN YOU REACH THE TOP FLOOR BECAUSE IT IS TOTALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT EVERYONE TRAPPED BEHIND YOU WAS ON AN ELEVATOR GOING UP AND SO PROBABLY THEY PLAN ON GETTING OFF OF THE ELEVATOR AT THE TOP FLOOR.

Tip #2:
It does not make a good impression on your professors when you fail to do your reading assignments within the first two weeks of class. Nor does it make a good impression when you fail to bring the reading assignments with you to class, when it states EXPLICITLY in the course policies that you must do so in order to participate adequately. DO YOUR WORK FOR YOUR CLASSES OR YOU WASTE NOT ONLY YOUR TIME BY COMING TO CLASS BUT ALSO YOUR PROFESSOR'S TIME.

I could go on, but I'm going to go do work instead. Since this is the case, I will leave it to you, my readers, to add to this list should anything come to mind.

Monday Mornings Stink

I am s-l-o-w-moving this morning. Clearly I'm not used to the schedule yet. Also, I had a scary dream last night, a version of which I've had before, which involves walking along this ice-and snow-covered metal bridge (the bottom of which is not solid, so you can totally see the chasm below) that includes these stairs, and the stairs lead to these mountains (so no, I'm not actually climbing mountains in the dream per se, although thinking about it as my awake self that would probably be easier than being on the stupid icy bridge of metal with stairs and an open floor).... At any rate, as you might imagine, I woke up terrified after a slip that might have meant my potential doom. That said, the dream wasn't ALL scary, because before that in the dream there was another part where I kept finding wads of money on the ground, which was kind of cool, and there was a bunch of other stuff going on that did not involve potentially lethal falls. But so now this morning I'm feeling a bit tired (because I was very busy in my sleep) and not terribly motivated to get on with my day. Thank god, though, that I did prep yesterday for today. That should make the morning go much more pleasantly.

Lately I'm at a Loss for Titles

And it really gets in the way of regular posting. I don't know what the problem is - I'm generally all about the title. Usually I've got the title before I've got anything else. But I think I'm having difficulty with titles in all areas, personal and professional, of late.

See putting a label on things (ultimately, what a title does) is a good way of having control over them, yes? The title gives you direction, tells you where you're going, tells you what to expect. And I like controlling, having direction, knowing where I'm going, knowing what to expect. Or at least I have always liked those things historically. But all of a sudden, I'm in this "hey, it is what it is" sort of a place, and that's seeping over into my ability to come up with actual titles for written things. Whatever.

But so anyway, Friday night I went out (hurrah!) and it was good great fun and something that I really needed to do. Yesterday, I did nothing. Because you know what? I'm totally not used to going out and partying like a rockstar anymore. It's so sad. And then today, well, things got off to a very slow start, but I finished up something that I had to do for a deadline, I came up with an activity for class tomorrow, I made a delicious (and yet seemingly disgusting) and healthy "Crazy Casserole" so I won't eat garbage all week long (yes, I'm getting back into the whole, "I chef it up on the weekends so as to eat in a healthy fashion" groove), and so all was not lost today.

As for personal life considerations.... ah. I don't know really how much I want to write about that stuff in this space. Things are fine, really, and it's not like I'm agonizing related to personal stuff lately. And my personal life isn't totally subsumed by the job lately, although one might think that it would be, given how much focus the job is demanding. So at the most basic level, everything is cool. I suppose this is the thing: I used to use this space to work out preliminary thoughts about personal stuff a lot more than I seem to do now. There are some concrete reasons why I don't use that space in this way lately (having to do with not wanting to be a passive-aggressive jackass) but to be honest, I'm not really sure that the concrete reasons are the only thing operating here. I think part of it is that more than ever I'm not sure how much good analyzing the fuck out of one's personal life really does. I mean, however much analysis one devotes to that crap, it all sort of goes one way or the other regardless, you know? And I know what I want in my life, and I think I'm progressing along in a way that isn't counterproductive when it comes to that stuff. So why bother analyzing everything to death? It doesn't make other people do what you want them to do, or make anything go more smoothly - in fact, it generally seems to have the tendency to fuck things up. But then I think that maybe my resistance against analysis lately - not only on the blog but elsewhere - might be evidence of a kind of shutting down that might not be good in the long run. You know what it is, at bottom, though? I think it's that I don't want to do what I've done a lot in the past - I don't want to be the person who figures everything the fuck out. I'd much rather experiment with other people figuring things out and seeing what happens if other people do that. Partly because when I think I've got everything figured out most of the time people haven't gone along with my grand plans. So, I'm just letting it ride for now. And if it happens that I'm no longer comfortable with that, I think I'd rather just call it a day than make some big bid for a grand plan that's not going to work out anyway. I'd rather keep my options open - to be on the receiving end than to be on the proactive end.

But so yeah. I'm shit when it comes to putting titles on things lately.

Blogging

Maggie May has had two great posts about her concerns about blogging as an academic under a pseudonym lately, and I thought I'd respond at more length here, even though I've left some comments over at her blog. To summarize briefly, Maggie May asks readers to weigh in because she's starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about her level of exposure in the blogosphere, wondering whether she should change the content of the blog, go password protected, or use some other strategy in order to limit potential or current feelings of paranoia about discovery. A primary issue for MM is the way that she writes about the personal as well as the professional on her blog.

Now, these issues are ones that are not foreign to Dr. Crazy. When I started blogging, I never really believed anybody would actually read my blog.

(Aside: what's funny about this is that at a conference recently I met up with a colleague whom I'd met a few years before. Over beers, the conversation somehow found its way to blogs, and I decided to reveal that I had one. What was hilarious, when I revealed that I was "Dr. Crazy" was that he'd been reading me for years, and he was all, "but your blog is really big! I can't believe that's you!" and he generally thought it was totally awesome. I'd actually known him pre-blog, and so it was weird, but also really cool. It was like he was caught up with all of my stuff even though we'd not talked in years. By the way, if you're out there Colleague-who-has-read-the-blog, has DC entered the world? If so, congratulations!!!!! If not, congratulations in advance!!!!)

But so anyway, "Dr. Crazy" blew up as a persona before I'd ever really thought about the possibility of such a thing happening. And that freaked me out, especially because I'd never really imagined a readership when I began. And it freaked me out because some evil person threatened to out me, and the voice that I had cultivated in my first space was pretty divorced from a voice that I'd intentionally cultivate for those who might know my identity. I was both too personal and not personal enough, if that makes sense. And it was much harsher than I am in life. There was this projected identity, but one over which I had little control.

So I thought about stopping blogging, but then I felt like that wasn't really the answer for me. And then I decided that the best option for me was to move spaces, to take down the archives at the old space, and to stay Dr. Crazy but in a new register. Why did I choose this? Well, part of it was that I didn't want to stop blogging. Blogging gave me a community that I didn't have in my new-ish job, in my new-ish city. Blogging also gave me the ability to write daily, in a way that wasn't entirely solipsistic. Blogging was something that ultimately added to my life rather than detracted from it, and I refused to stop something that felt so positive out of fear. Part of it, too, though, was that I felt very confined by the initial voice that I'd chosen, without having really considered what that choice of voice would mean to me (both personally and professionally). So, for me, moving to another space allowed me to construct the voice I wanted out there publicly much more consciously, and it allowed me to grow as a blogger, to move beyond my first initial attempt. That was entirely positive.

But so, the question may be, why blog? Why blog as an academic, if one wants to write about personal-ish things?

1. I blog because it keeps me writing regularly and it keeps me writing for an audience in ways that just keeping a journal doesn't.

2. I blog because I with that I had more insight into this profession when I was a graduate student, and even as an undergraduate considering graduate school. I want to make this profession less mystified and mystifying and more transparent.

3. I blog because I think that it's important that all "academic blogs" are not just about academic pursuits. I think it's important that we recognize that academics have lives outside their research. I think it's an important feminist project to talk about how women negotiate their jobs with personal life considerations, even when those personal life considerations don't have (yet?) to do with children and being mothers.

4. I blog because I love the people I've "met" through blogging, whether in person or just online, and I want to continue to have conversations with them.

5. I blog because it's worth talking about this profession in ways that are just not possible to do in traditional forms of publication.

One of the things I've thought a lot about is what I'll do when I get tenure, with the blog. Will I
"come out" and reveal my "real" identity? Will I stay "Dr. Crazy"? This is a harder question than it may seem. On the one hand, I hate that I can't think of a single female blogger who reveals her "true" identity that writes freely, that is "known" (for example, as Michael Berube did on his blog). On the other hand, were I to reveal my identity, I wouldn't want to just blog as "me" - I like being Dr. Crazy online, and I think it serves a valuable purpose. I don't like the ways in which I can anticipate my voice changing were I not "Dr. Crazy." For me, the question is not how to retain my pseudonymity or anonymity. It's more a question of how to "go public" without it changing the mission of what I'm doing here.

Ultimately, the great thing about blogging as a genre is that it allows one to create a voice over time. Because it's a relatively new genre, it is flexible, and it allows for modes of expression and representation that aren't available in more entrenched genres (fiction, memoir, creative non-fiction, etc.). One defines one's own space (through the graphic design of the blog, through the blog's voice) in ways in which it is not possible to do in other media (like traditional publication). A pseudonymous blog can be particularly liberating, because one can write outside of one's "public" identity, in ways that can be really productive and useful, not only to oneself but to others. But ultimately, one does need to think about the potential repercussions of that mode of expression. One needs to think about what one's blog means in a larger context. Does one want as many readers as possible, or does one want only a select few? Does one feel comfortable thinking about one's blog as a professional document, or would one rather think of one's blog as something that is public-private? These are questions that individual bloggers can only answer for themselves. That said, I'm attracted by the idea of coming out after tenure. Of staying Dr. Crazy, but also of claiming "Dr. Crazy" as mine. Why? Because for me, ultimately, I think it would be great to claim what I've done here. I'm not saying that what I've done in this space is super-great or anything, but it would be nice to own it in a way that I can't (or don't feel I can) do now.

Minimums, Maximums, and Building a Rep

Both Bardiac and Dean Dad have had posts recently that discuss course enrollments. Enrollments are a tricky issue for many of us, whether the issue is that our courses are too full (and thus we get the many, many emails from students who want to be signed in over the cap) or that they're too empty (and thus face cancellation). Now, in a perfect world, I do feel like this wouldn't necessarily be the problem of individual instructors. In a perfect world (at least my perfect world) I wouldn't have to sing for my supper to get students to sign up, nor would I have to be a big meanie who rejects those who beg for me to let them enroll once the cap is met. But the reality is that this does fall to me in my imperfect world, and it's something I'd not really even considered before landing in a tenure-track job. Actually, I had a conversation with a colleague who is less far along on the tenure-track than I am about this very issue today, and this colleague is particularly frustrated by how these issues are playing out for her. So I thought I'd do a post today about this thing of attracting (and then repelling, if necessary) students.

I think where most of us have the most difficulty in this area is with what Dean Dad called "pet courses" and what I'd call "courses in one's field of specialization." Service courses, regardless of instructor, tend to fill. But what about those courses that don't fulfill general education requirements? What strategies can one employ to make sure that those courses "make," not just because they are fun to teach, but also because they are really important to one's professional development?

Advertising
How much does a flyer really help? Hmm. Well, I think that depends. In my department, we make flyers for all upper-level courses and they go on a bulletin board outside the office before scheduling begins. This is a relatively new practice, and honestly I think the nicest thing about it is that one gets to see all of the cool courses that are being offered all in one place. Does it make a huge difference in terms of attracting students, though? Well, I think that it really can be a benefit for new instructors who don't already have a fan base (as I like to think of those students who follow me around from class to class) and I think it can be a benefit for courses that are brand spanking new and that have absolutely no word of mouth. But is an advertisement going to make your class hit the enrollment minimum? On its own, probably not. Because students make their schedules with a variety of considerations in mind, including things like the instructor, the time of day or the days of the week on which the course meets, workload issues, etc. Ultimately, students don't only choose their classes based on their intellectual interest in a topic or on the pizazz of a sheet of paper.

Administration
More important, then, than one's ability to hawk one's wares is often one's administrators' ability to come up with a rational and workable schedule. A few years ago, my department did an overhaul of the upper-level schedule to make sure that too many competing courses weren't running at the same times of day or that we weren't too overloaded on particular days of the week. We also rationalized course offerings so that there was a better range of content from semester to semester. As far as I can tell, this has hugely improved the chances of all faculty's upper-level courses making their enrollment, but it has been especially beneficial to newer faculty members.

Advising
This, too, is HUGE. Now, in my department we do not make students meet with their individual advisers each semester. And the kind of advising a student gets within the major can vary pretty widely from one adviser to another, as some tend to suggest to their advisees that the advisees should enroll in their own courses (which I suppose is one way to meet one's enrollment minimums, although that leaves a bad taste in my mouth so I don't tend to do it unless my course really is one that the student should take, and if a student has already taken one course with me I discourage them from blindly following me from course to course), some don't really look much at what the student plans to take and just ok whatever they do, whatever. But all is not lost. One thing that really helps is developing relationships with your colleagues and talking to them about what you're planning on teaching so that they think to suggest your course to their advisees. But again, remember that at least in my situation, not all students are getting advising every semester with their individual assigned adviser.

BUT we have started doing this GREAT thing in my department that has helped a LOT with attracting students to courses. We've started holding general advising meetings each semester for all majors and minors, and at those meetings, each faculty member who will teach an upper-level course has the opportunity to introduce themselves and to talk briefly (although some don't keep it brief enough) about what they'll teach in the upcoming semester. This had a dramatic impact on my enrollment situation. One of the problems at my institution is that students tend to take one class with a faculty member and then they stick with that person if they like them. If you're new, that can mean that you're on the chopping block every semester because you don't have enough word-of-mouth to attract students. What standing up and talking for three minutes did for me is that it let students get a sense of my personality and it made them think that the crap I teach might actually be interesting to them. Before we did the meetings, I had no platform from which to do that to the audience that I'm targeting. (We also do other things at these advising meetings, like break-out sessions about study abroad, or applying to grad school, graduation requirements, etc. so the meetings meet a lot of needs in a very short period of time, which is also a great thing.)

Word-of-Mouth
Now, for a new faculty member, this is tricky, and it's tricky for a lot of reasons. One, you're a nobody. People don't know you, and so it's hard for word to get around about you. Two, you probably are getting acclimated to the culture of the institution, so in your first semester or two, you might have difficulty in figuring out where exactly to aim your courses. I know this was a problem for me, coming from my graduate institution (an R1) and ending up at a comprehensive. Three, sometimes it can feel like one is being advised to "be nice" in order to "get students to like you" and that can feel like a path that compromises one's beliefs about one's role as an instructor or about how a class at the university level should be run. What I've found, though, over the past four years, is that even if one gets off to a bit of a rough start (as I did), all is not lost. In part, this is because I really became much more comfortable in my teaching persona, and I think that my comfort and confidence in that has really helped. Second, the students who did like me in spite of the amount of work I expect or whatever really did spread the word to other like-minded students. What this has meant for me is that when students enroll in my courses now, they do have a much better read on what they're getting themselves into and so there's not as much buyer's remorse on their parts. Also, I do tell my students about upcoming courses that I'll be teaching, so I start the ball rolling (I hope) with getting the word out about my courses.

Course Design and Curricular Need
I think that this is why I resisted Dean Dad's terminology when he described such courses as "pet courses." To me, a "pet course" would be one that serves no curricular need but rather that just plays to the interest of the instructor. One of the key things for me has been trying to play to my interests and expertise while still hitting the mark in terms of how those interests and areas of expertise fit into the broader curricular needs of students in terms of requirements. I'm not teaching any single-author courses, folks, and I'm not proposing courses that can't count for some sort of requirement. Maybe when I've been around here so long that I have a fan base in the hundreds I will do that sort of thing - maybe I'll attract them on personality and topic alone - but I'm under no illusions that such a thing is yet possible for me.

But so yeah, I think that those are the key factors in getting people to sign up. Not all are in the individual faculty member's control, but some are. As for what happens when all of that works, though, well, that's another can of worms. That's when the barrage of emails starts, the phone calls, etc. So how does one say no?

Well, I've done it enough times now that I've got an answer memorized. It goes something like,

"Dear Student,
While I'm pleased that you are interested in taking the course, I make it a policy not to sign students into my courses once the enrollment cap has been reached. I encourage you to keep your eye on the course for any openings, as usually there is some movement in the enrollment after the first class meeting. Good luck with the upcoming semester!"

And that's that. And yes, it sucks to turn them away, but if they really want to take a course with you, they somehow find a way to do so, I've found. Maybe not in the semester in which they'd originally wanted to take a course with you, but sooner or later. And so that's the final piece in having consistent enrollments: saying no to those ones who try to get in over the cap in such a way that they try, try again.

Thoughts Two Days into the New Semester

So, I've met with each of my classes one time, I've kvetched with colleagues, I've had a meeting, I've been irrationally irritated at the fascists who administer parking on this campus. The new semester is solidly underway. My thoughts thus far:

Teaching
I'm actually excited about all of my classes. I'm excited about my freshmen for the usual reasons (they are New! and Excited! and New!). I'm excited about my survey because I've revamped the syllabus and changed the books and changed, well, far too much, but I think that it will give me new energy for teaching the course. The last time I taught it, things were beginning to feel a bit stale, and I think changing up some of the texts and the way that I do some assignments is going to breathe new life into the course. Now, obviously I'm doing a lot of the same sorts of things that I've done in the past, but I think the changes that I've made will be interesting both for me and for them. Finally, I'm super excited about my upper-level class. The students seem really into the topic, and while I know there will be glitches because this is the very first time I'm teaching the course, and I think I hit the right note tone-wise on the first day - a tone of "we can have fun but we've got to be smart in the ways that we talk about things and there has to be a core of seriousness to our approach." I'd been a bit worried about that, but all felt good once I got up there in front of them.

I'm also really pleased about the amount of prep that I've managed to do in the past month, even if it was at the expense of some other things that I need to be doing. It means that this semester should be pretty stress-free prep-wise, and I do feel like I need that. I was talking with a friend last night about teaching styles, and I do seem to be a little anal about how I approach syllabus and assignment design. I suppose for me it's important to have a strong plan in place so that I don't freak out. That's not to say that there's no flexibility within the plan, but the plan itself is set in stone. I don't get more than a day behind on a syllabus, and if I do we catch up within a class period or two. I have only in the most rare circumstances cut a text from a course. Deadlines and assignments listed on the syllabus do not change. All of that stuff, for me to be comfortable, needs to be the case. So no, I'm not the sort of "laid-back" professor who let's a class set its own pace. I set the pace, well in advance of students ever entering the picture. Sometimes I wish I were a little less control-freaky in that particular way, but then, when I was a student I hated classes with the laid-back professor who let the class set its own pace. I needed structure then, and apparently I still need it now.

Research:
I can't really think about all of what I'm not doing research-wise. Deadlines (both internal and external) loom, and I know I need to kick it into high gear this weekend and stay in high gear in a pretty sustained way for the next two months. But I'm giving myself permission to focus on teaching until the classes are taking care of themselves and they hit their stride. I can't do all these things at once.

Service:
Hmmm. Well, I gave my chair my preferences for committee work today, and I also have committed to continue to serve on a university committee that I'm on. I'm also, apparently, agreeing to advise a student publication (which I really love and which I really want to continue on in as awesome a fashion as it has over the past couple of years, and I know I'm an idiot for taking this on, but I really do want to do it, at least for this semester - I can bow out if I need to or want to, so this isn't a lifetime commitment or anything). Finally, I'm going to lead a book discussion (just one book, just one meeting) at some point this spring for a community group. Other than that? I MUST SAY NO TO ALL THINGS. Well, all things beyond judging writing contests in the spring, which take no time and are easy service.

Edging Ever Closer to Tenure:
Well, since I've talked about the three areas, I might as well talk a bit about the fact that I am a year away from going up. Now, at my institution we submit a binder Every. Single. Year. So I know exactly what is required, exactly how to put the thing together - actually, it's ALREADY put together, and I just need to add, year after year, and to tweak the statements. Can I just say that I think this is a brilliant way to deal with the tenure and promotion process, even if it is extra busy-work throughout one's time on the tenure track? Because, sure, it's a pain in the ass, but it completely demystifies the process. And that's the thing about my university, really: it's not really one where mystification is the norm. Perhaps type of institution plays into this, but I really think it's a special thing about this particular place. Not that there aren't irritating things about the place, as all places are irritating, but there is a transparency here that is really, really great. On top of that, I really do have great colleagues, in that we truly are a collegial bunch and in ways that are above and beyond saying hi in the hallway. The best example I can give is that a colleague of mine has been dealing with a difficult family situation, and my entire department has come together to make meals for the colleague's family and to provide a kind of support that I just don't think happens in most departments. This may not be a place that's particularly good at welcoming newcomers or at providing social support in other kinds of ways, but when it really counts, people here are really good-hearted and kind people (and I use those words consciously). It won't be the worst thing in the world (and in fact could be a good thing) if I get tenure here and make my career at this place (because I really do think that I'd be reluctant to leave if I don't do it pre-tenure). I'm keeping my options open because it's stupid not to do so, but I'm happy here now in a way that I just wasn't last year at the same time. I'm in a much more centered place, both with the job and with my life outside the job. All of that is something I'm ultimately really grateful for, because wow did it suck to feel like I wasn't centered and like I had to find a way out.

Social:
You'd think with all of the above that I have no time for a social life right now. Not so! I've got plans for coffee Thursday, I'm going out on Friday - and who knows what plans might materialize in weeks to come! And on top of all of that I've got a vibrant long-distance social life via the telephone! (Speaking of which, Medusa and I have been talking about the need to stage a happy hour at one or the other of our blogs soon, while we're on the phone with each other, of course, so the long-distance social life may also go global!) So never fear, faithful readers, Crazy is not a total workaholic, just a partial one.

So those are my thoughts on this Tuesday night, with the semester well under way.

Creatures of Habit

While it's true that the re-entry into the semester isn't the easiest thing in the world, it's also amazing how easy it is to slip back into the routine of it. Perhaps this is to do with the fact that I've had pretty much the same schedule for the past 5 semesters or so, and so now, even after the months without the schedule in the summer (I've decided I'm never going to say "summer off" again, as if I don't want people to imagine me off lazing on a beach then I really shouldn't give the impression that I am) the schedule of the semester actually feels "normal" after just a day. Apparently, the same is true for my darling little Man-Kitty, who's back to his normal routine, including begging me for treats as he sees that I'm attempting to get my crap together to leave the house. Spoiled little shit. He is cute, though. How could anyone resist his charms? I think people who don't find him utterly adorable might have something wrong with them.

I mean, look at him! He's all Back-to-School Man-Kitty! Bookish and regal one moment, attempting to steal away in my book-bag the next!