So I canceled my classes (not the thing I'm questioning the rightness of, by the way - that was totally the right thing, but for whatever the reason it just took me a while to bite the bullet and do it), and I've organized for somebody to come and check on the cats while I'm gone, and now I just need to do crap around the house and pack. I'm just feeling sort of numb and unable to make myself do things, which I suppose is normal.
The thing I wonder if it was right was that I sent my brothers (from my father's second marriage) a note to let them know about my grandma. First of all, it's fucked up that I did it over a Fb message, but as that's the only way I communicate with them (I don't have their cell numbers and I'd never call their home phone), what else was I to do? Not tell them? Because nobody would probably tell them because everything was so fucked up last year when my dad died and I know that nobody in the family would feel comfortable calling their mother, and since their mother was totally fucked up when my dad died and didn't tell anybody but me in the family and said that nobody was welcome to come to the calling hours other than me (and I wasn't even invited to whatever their actual service was), well, it's a totally fucked up situation.
And it's not like they're grown-ups - they're only 15 and 13 - so I wasn't sure that I should tell them, or be the one to tell them, or whatever, but then I thought to myself how totally fucked up about it I would be if nobody told me my grandmother had died and it just came up in conversation like a few years later. So I sent them a note about it because I figured that it's what I'd want an older half-sibling to do for me if I had one. Fuck.
Anyway, I got sweet notes back from them both (although I do wonder whether the older of the two is functionally illiterate because he only writes in weird texting language) and then I did another thing that I'm not sure was right, which was that I told them that if they wanted to go to any of the stuff this weekend, though only if it was cool with their mom (which I doubt it would be), that I'd be happy to go get them and to take them with me. Again, I was operating under the notion that if I were them, I'd want to know that I wasn't excluded because of weird shit that had nothing to do with me (i.e., my fucked up stepmother and father's problems with my father's family).
I can't wait until they grow up and we can have a normal relationship. For now, though, at least we have whatever it is that Fb enables.
In other news, I wonder whether it's the right thing that I made plans to meet a person from high school for a drink while I'm in town. That seems sort of tacky, but on the other hand, it works out that we'll both be in town, and I feel like my grandmother would have thought it was fine (though who knows, really, since she is beastly dead).
God. I just accidentally alluded to Ulysses and only realized it after the sentence was typed. Clearly I'm out of it.
But thanks for all of your kind comments and support. Between you guys, my real-life friends, my family, I'm a very lucky girl, even if I'm sad.
1 year ago