Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

In theory, I am driving to Hometown tomorrow. I'll be there for a couple of days, and then I head off on my Grand Trip.

My conference paper is not yet complete (because I'm a total ass), I'm only half-packed and I'm wigging because I'm certain I'm going to forget important things and also that I'm packing stupidly and too much, I feel completely out of sorts not only about the trip but also about all of the work that I've shoved to the back burner, and yet even with all of this the case I've procrastinated a great deal today even though TIME IS FUCKING OUT FOR PROCRASTINATING!

I mean, sure, I've made lists, and I've checked them, and blah blah blah, but I'm... I don't know. I'm not as excited as I should be. I'm not really happy to be leaving home. I just feel stressed out and angsty. That's not how I should feel right now. It's just not.

It's because of all the deadlines I've got looming upon my return - I'm not so dumb as not to realize that - and because I feel like the summer is basically over and AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

I'm sure it all will be fine once I'm on my way tomorrow, but right now I'm feeling like nothing at all will be fine. I know that's dumb. I know it. But so.

Things I need to do tonight:

• Pack up (most of) the Man-Kitty's provisions and accessories.
• Pack a small bag for my mom's house.
• Pack my carry-on for the plane (including passport. cannot forget passport. also camera and batteries.)
• Take out trash.
• Double-check my packing list to make sure that I've got everything I planned on taking.
• Make sure I have relevant addresses in my address book for postcard-sending purposes.
• Take out trash.
• Unload dishwasher.
  

Things I need to do tomorrow:

• Finish(ish) conference paper. Or if not I can do it at my mom's, but I'd rather do it here.
• Go to office to tie up some loose travel ends.
• Load up car with stuff.
• Take Man-Kitty to get his nails clipped.
• Get item for G. that he requested.
  
• Drive to Hometown.

Things to do Tuesday:

• 1 load of laundry (for yes, I'm bringing dirty clothes to my mother's, which means that I'm totally not an adult).
• review conference paper and make some notes/changes.
• buy book I need to read on my travels.

Things to do on Wednesday:

• Hang with family.
• Fly to another country.

And really, once I've left the country, things will take care of themselves, yes? I mean, they'll just have to do so, won't they?

You know, I think part of my problem is that this was supposed to be my big thing of this summer, this trip. That's how it seemed when I wrote the abstract for the conference in the fall, and when I made my plans with G. for the vacation-esque portion of things in the spring. Maybe it's the vacation aspect of things that's freaking me out? I mean, I'm all about the traveling for work business, and all about the visiting people business, but I'm not so much about the vacations. Perhaps I should just think of the travels with G. as visiting as opposed to vacationing? Yes, that does make me feel a bit better.

You know, in part I blame the book. If I didn't have the book looming over me I could totally be psyched about this trip, I feel like. Perhaps I'm suffering from "be careful what you wish for" syndrome. I just want everything to go well, but I've not done the things that I should have done in order to make sure that things will go well.

Blech. I'm sick of this whining. I just need to get all of my things done. It's not that hard. I mean, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just focus? Because I can't. All I want to do is to hide under the covers and not do any of my things. Ok, back to it. I hope I'll have something better to report in the coming hours.