Friday, June 02, 2006

Well, See, I Have This Blog...

[Before I get into the meat of this post, I want you all to congratulate me on the fact that I spent the day doing laundry and writing my paper for the conference (pedestrian though all of the ideas therein are - which, of course, I only realize now that the paper is 90% of the way completed) and beginning packing for my travels. I also booked my flight to visit my grad school friend. I am very productive.]

Since I began blogging what is now lo almost 2 years ago, I have kept this activity very quiet. Only one person in my real life actually reads my blog and really knows about it. I've mentioned the fact that I blog to a few other people, and they just really aren't the type to be interested, and so that's where the discussion of my blogging began and ended with them. As a blogger, I'm pretty much in the closet.

I don't have any particular reason for keeping things this way. When I began blogging I was somewhat paranoid about people (i.e., colleagues) finding out about my blog, but that really isn't the case anymore. Now, I think I just keep things quiet out of habit. Yes, I still have a pseudonym, but I'm pretty free in revealing my identity to those who are curious enough to ask, and I know that some of you have deduced my identity by other means. This is fine with me.

So I've done something now that is... novel. I've told a person - a real person - about my blog.

Except this person isn't really a real person in some ways. Well, he's real - he's not imaginary - but this person... let's call him... J. ... well, I met him right before I began this job, and really we've only physically been in the same place like three times, but somehow we have become pen-pal type friends. And I got in touch with him a few days ago (because in the summer I like to email boys randomly) after not having heard from him in a while (like months) to learn that he quit his job to travel for the past few months and he directed me to his travel blog, and I mentioned that I have a blog, and he asked me for the url so that he can check it out.


And I hesitate to give him the URL.

Why? What does it matter, really? How is it that the most public writing I do in this context makes me feel weird and shy?

Note: I do not know J. in a work-related context, so this is not why I hesitate. In fact, we have absolutely nothing in common except each other, so telling him about the blog - and letting him see it - is ultimately a really low-risk move.

And yet I hesitate.

I think I'm just chicken. What if this person thinks my blog is lame? What if my blog is lame? I mean, I know that you all don't think it is (I'm not fishing for compliments), but what if this real-life person who isn't exactly part of my real life thinks that I'm a big loser?

This is ridiculous. Enough with the wishy-washiness. Enough with the insecurity. It's time that J. learns about my secret "Dr. Crazy" identity. I certainly hope that I don't regret this decision.


Eddie said...

I know exactly what you mean. I have a few people that I know irl who read my blog, and I always wonder if they see all my personal stuff and just think I'm weird.

Seeking Solace said...

Same here. Only five people know about my blog. Those that know are totally cool about it. But I worry that that others may have issues with what I say.

Mel said...

I totally understand. Although as these things go, it seems fairly safe -- after all, he has a blog (so already understands the range of possibilities, the conventions, etc) and also isn't part of your local or professional life. It would seem friendly and reciprocal to give him the url. But on the other hand I would feel nervous about it too -- I have only told a couple of rl people about mine and it's always strange.

But maybe your anxiety is not so much about your blog (which is so NOT lame) but about how you are starting to feel about J?

Liz Ferszt said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

i don't think it's lame. but I might be lame. and none of that is the point. :)

Carrie K said...

My best friend asked for my blog address and she practically had to pry it out of me. Even if she knows a heck of a lot more than I'll ever post on my blog, it still feels weird that she has access to my thoughts that way. I don't even know if she's reading it or not.

Sarah said...

I have different feelings--I just started blogging back in February, but I am excited about my blog and want some people I know to read it. Well, I want my fellow grad students to read it. And my brother. But not my parents. And not my profs, mostly because a lot of people have negative assumptions about blogs and the "kind of person" who would have a blog. But a fellow blogger, yes.
Funny, my friends are self-conscious about my knowing that they read my blog--like they're peeping into my private thoughts, even though those thoughts are published for anyone to read.

Baruch Grazer said...

Dear J.,
Dr. Crazy is very cool, and we all like her very much.

reader of Dr. Crazy