So it's Sunday, and I've got That Sunday Feeling in which I beat myself up for all of the things I've failed to accomplish, while at the same time I refuse to actually do the things on my to-do list, because, well, we're just about at the half-way point of the semester, and you know, I'm cranky.
Except of course I wouldn't be nearly so cranky if I didn't have so much to do, and the only way to make that not happen is to do some of these things so that they won't be on the list. Which came first - the crankiness, the self-loathing, or the way too many things to do? It's a vicious cycle.
But so don't think I haven't noticed how lame the blog has been lately. This is only my fifth post of the month, and of those, three have been about my rage and righteous indignation and this one is about being cranky. Not entertaining to read, I know. Or maybe it is? Maybe you read these things and you think to yourselves, "well, at least I'm not dealing with THAT! my life's great!" in which case, perhaps I'm performing a public service with my bad blogging?
The thing is, it's all not so dire as it may seem from this here blog. It's just.... I don't know how to blog about a lot of what's going on with me. I've found myself returning to my journal and also starting the research journal for the Next Book. Maybe because in those spaces I don't feel like it makes any sense to think about the entirety of my job? See, it's the entirety of things that's causing my lameness here. This is a space in which I think about the whole job. And well, I've been dealing with a lot of irritating crap related to the whole job. Rewarding crap, crap I'm invested in, but irritating crap nonetheless. And so I find myself showing up in this space only when I'm too irritable for the other spaces, if that makes sense. And when I'm not irritable, I find myself not wanting to write here, because I don't want to actually make myself irritable.
But so anyway, today I pissed away my day. I had a list and everything - I just didn't bother to look at it or to do the things on it (for the most part: though I did work out, so that's something). And so now, here I am, knowing that this list Exists, and yet still not wanting to do the items on the list. But I don't want to do anything else either, and so I'm writing this angsty post. I'm even irritating to myself, for whatever that's worth.
The thing about procrastination, as I well know as a skilled procrastinator, is that it's totally ok that I didn't accomplish anything today. I can seriously get most of the things done on the list tomorrow. It's just pushing everything into that one day will mean that I'm frantic. It also means that I feel bad about the time that I've spent not working, which is really screwed up. What I should have done is just made the list all for tomorrow and let myself chill about the weekend. Instead, I pretended to myself that I'd accomplish things today, so I felt guilty all day and yet I'm still in the same stupid predicament. I know that this is not positive, but here I sit.
So anyway, I'm going to try to post about some things in the coming weeks that aren't all of this pissed off bullshit. The problem is, I have no idea what those things might be.
1 year ago