Fraidy-Cat Crazy

I know it's time to go to sleep. I know, in my rational mind that I do not live in California and thus the Zodiac Serial Killer will not show up at my house. Also that probably the Zodiac Serial Killer is dead. That said, there could be some new Serial Killer in my location (perhaps inspired by the movie?) who could show up here, in theory. I know this is dumb. Tragically, I'm not sure what to do with myself if I don't go to sleep. (Oh, and I should mention, I'm tired.)

My Object of Infatuation is Exhausted and Not Fifteen Years Old, and thus he's no use in this problem. Even though I'm coercing him into emailing with me even though he would rather be watching Twin Peaks episodes. And I could watch another movie (watched Bridget Jones' Diary earlier) but that doesn't sound appealing. And I could read me some Potter, but I don't think I can handle Voldemort right now (Serial Killer extraordinaire). What is a Crazy to do? I've already done some reading of blogs, and I'm ... again, bored AND scared. This is the suckiest combination of things in the world.

Ooh! Another email from my Exhausted and Not 15 Object of Infatuation!

Went to See Zodiac and Both Bored AND Slightly Freaked Out

The movie is long. But random murders of people who are alone by a psychopath can freak you out even if you're bored, if you live alone, etc. I think I need to go watch something else in order to cleanse my imagination's palate. And maybe have a glass of wine. Yeah, I don't know. Not going to think about psychopathic serial killers anymore. Should know better than to think I can handle movies about them.

Meow! Hello! It's Been So Long!

Well, not really. I know my Mama posted that picture of me the other day when she maligned my good name and reputation when all I was trying to do was to assist her in her life and work by awakening her with the birdies. That said, I've been feeling a bit blue. All of the attention that she used to lavish on me, she gives it all to some strange man who calls on the phone. All of the petting, the cuddling - I miss it. But so now she has tried to make it up to me by going into the bed (where I was fast asleep) and to read beside me. But I do not forgive so easily! Oh no. I do not. And so I leapt from the bed, and I stole away to this computing machine that she seems so fond of these days. It's time for the Man-Kitty to take over. It's time for him to get some of the spotlight - not just this Infatuation Person. And so I give you, well, me! Enjoy!

Where the Fuck Did My Spring Break Go?

Do you people realize it's FRIDAY? I need more time! Don't want to go back! Sure, I've had the minor diversion of an all-consuming infatuation, but other than that? All I've been doing is work (which probably contradicts the "all-consuming" in the previous sentence, but whatever - I feel consumed, though in a good way).

Work, work, and more fucking work. I've had no break! I've not had any time to relax! And you know, as much as infatuations are lovely, they're not relaxing! (It's all the having to create the other person out of a combination of projection and hanging on every word they write or utter, always in relation to one's own narcissistic self - very time-consuming and energy-sapping, that is. Fun, at moments even more than fun, but not relaxing.)

So today I do need to do work, which may or may not include writing. I'm thinking that maybe the reading of novels is a better choice if I'm trying to relax than writing. And then I'll go to the gym (which isn't exactly relaxing, but it does reduce stress, which has to be a good thing). And then maybe I'll have an email to moon over from the person to whom I still have not assigned a pseudonym (though I have been considering it a bit, and I do think I know what I might choose should I bestow this honor upon him, though we all know that the moment that I do he will disappear into the ether, sort of like how if one goes on the pill in a whole "let's take this to the next level" thing for a guy that one immediately stops having sex, which is the real secret of birth control pills and their level of effectiveness, I sometimes think....). And then tonight I'll go to dinner and the movies. Planning on seeing Zodiac, which I both want to do and also which I'm a little concerned about, as I think it might make me scared, and I really don't like a movie that scares me because then I am too freaked out to go to sleep or when I do go to sleep I have bad dreams, and yes, well, I'm going against my better judgment in seeing it, though usually for movies that freak me out it is better for me to see them in a theater because at least I'm with other people and not sitting by myself watching the dvd of something that's freaking me out.

But so yes. I think that's the end of this post, a post designed mainly to get the kind of pathetic call for close reading off the top of the blog. I mean, yesterday it was funny, but today it's time for it not to be this blog's focal point. Also, in other Person without a Pseudonym news, apparently he directed friends of his to my blog so that they might analyze me and/or the situation from a perspective that is not the perspective of the P w/o a P. I've been trying not to think about this since yesterday, though I suppose it's what I get for keeping this blog and getting myself into this particular situation. Be that as it may, I'm still trying not to think about this.

Ok, I truly need to go and accomplish something or I'll be very angry with myself.

Anybody In the Mood For a Little Close Reading?

Listen to this song.


http://www.speedofdark-web.com/speedofdark/2007/February/08-dont-f__k-with-love.mp3

Now, imagine that a certain person with whom you are infatuated sent it to you, with the instructions that you shouldn't over-analyze it.

Discuss.

Infatuations of Years Gone By

Once upon a time, when Dr. Crazy really was 15 years old, she met her First Love. Her First Love was really darling in many ways, except for when there was that whole interlude in college when he cheated on her, but at any rate, Dr. Crazy and FL were not meant to be. That said, Dr. Crazy forced FL to stay friends with her, for he knew all of her things and he got all of the things about her childhood and things, and so since he was powerless to resist her (although he tried), they remain friends to this very day.

And so FL called her this evening, and knowing how Crazy loves the baseball, FL invited her to come to Chicago with him to see a game at Wrigley Field in a box seat this summer. How great is FL?

Of course, Dr. Crazy is no longer infatuated with FL. A lot has happened since 1990. And FL has a pseudo-girlfriend now, and Dr. Crazy knows that they will never be together because she knows that she wants things that FL will never have to give her. Still, talking to him tonight brought home to her ever more clearly the... amazingness (and yes, she knows that isn't a real word) of any infatuation. The thing about infatuation is that it is born of people being in sympathy with one another. It's not about having a crush, and it's not about being in love or anything like that - it's about an inexplicable "getting" of another person, even if that "getting" can only happen for a short while. It's something special, in itself, in whatever form it takes. And it has the potential to last, even if only as friendship and not as anything other than that, precisely because of that specialness.

All of that said, I admonished FL on the phone tonight that he'd have to consult with his pseudo-girlfriend about her feelings on this prospective trip before I'd agree to it. Jesus, he's just so dumb about girls. What girl in her right mind wouldn't have a care in the world about Dr. Crazy having 3 or 4 days in Chicago with her boyfriend? Especially if she knows all about Dr. Crazy and knows that Dr. Crazy is probably one of only two girls he's loved in his whole entire life? Again, he is so, so dumb.

The Writing Is Enough to Drive a Person to Drink

Today's been very productive. I did end up going back to sleep after the Man-Kitty's wake-up call, but I made really good progress on the intro chapter, and I even went and worked out. (Note to other people who've fallen off the fitness bandwagon: all is not lost if you haven't worked out in two months - apparently, you don't immediately become out of shape and unable to exercise, as I had feared may be my situation when I entered the gym today.) So after the gym I came home and worked on the manuscript some more, and while I still have much on the List of Things to Accomplish this morning, I'm thinking that a trip to the wine store for some delicious wine might be in order. The problem is, this is probably a bad decision, as how productive am I really going to be if I'm trying to be productive while drinking wine? But on the other hand, sometimes a glass of wine is a nice reward for a hard day's work. On the other hand, I kind of feel like I want to take a nap. What would be fabulous would be to take a nap, drink some wine, and blow off all my work. It occurs to me however that my spring break is half over and that this is not a solid plan of action. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Damn You, Sweet Kitty-Cat!

Remember how I was going to wake up around 7 or 8 this morning? Well, it looks like a certain somekitty had other plans for me. Of course, now that I am awake, as he thinks I should be, all is right in the world. Oh yes, now it's time to relax and get that sleepy face that means it's time for a nap.Well. I hope he's happy. And it's certainly a good thing that I went to bed at a reasonable time last night. So I'll commence my waking-up now (a curse on you, Man-Kitty!) and then, I shall begin the day. Will check in with periodic updates.

________

Update, 12:50 PM:
Things accomplished:

1. All necessary emails. (Still some not terribly necessary ones to do, but they can wait until tomorrow if necessary.)
2. One major pass through the Introductory Chapter of Crap. Incidentally, progress is being made.
3. A list/schedule of things to accomplish today, which tired me out so much I had to go back to sleep for three hours.
4. Lunch.

The plan now is to drag my ass to the gym, and then I shall return to my Lair of Productivity to continue on with the list of things to accomplish. The only thing that sucks about going to the gym is it means I'll have to change out of my Writing Outfit. Well, that and actually having to work out once there, except I know it will make me feel better once I've finished. Another update will come later. I know you all don't really care, but it does make me feel better to report when I'm on such a marathon working jag.

A Post from a More Sensible Crazy

So ok, I've been indulging in a bit of an infatuation, and while the object of my affections has been incredibly... incredible... it turns out that neither of us is 15 years old, we're both exhausted, and we're both (sadly) sensible enough to know that we need to do things like, oh, I don't know, write our books, do our jobs, sleep. This is not to say that the infatuation is over (though who knows - such things can disappear as quickly as they appear - which of course is why I've not assigned a pseudonym to the object of my affections, as he may not be around long enough to warrant one) but it is to say that there is no way for adults to conduct infatuations at such a fever pitch. In fact, that's why most people who indulge in the infatuations are teenagers - they have more time and more energy for such pursuits.

(That said, I'm actually kind of sad I'm not talking to the object of my affections right now. But that's just silly, as we really have talked quite recently, and I truly have absolutely nothing of any interest to talk to him about. All I could possibly have to report is fragments of bizarre and hilarious conversations that I've had with my friends on what else but the telephone - for I really have regressed to my teenaged self - and I'm not sure that anybody who wasn't actually participating in those conversations would actually find them so hilariously funny. You know, that reminds me - when I was an actual teenager I was in trouble with my mother CONSTANTLY for laughing too loudly while talking to my friends on the phone. It's probably a good thing I don't live with her anymore. But I ramble. The point here is that I really like the object of my affections and I like talking to him and so it distresses me that I can't just have what I want all the time.)

But so anyway, enough with the boy-crazy infatuation. Tonight I will go to bed like a responsible person, and then tomorrow, here's the plan:

1) I will wake up at 7-ish (or maybe 8AM).
2) I will make coffee and have my first cup while blog-reading.
3) I will don my Dissertation Tiara, hideous bathrobe, and my running-shoes.
4) I will work on the manuscript for at least two hours.
5) I will take a break that includes getting laundry going.
6) I will work on the review that I really must have completed by the end of this week.
7) I will catch up on some emailing that I have to do and that I've been ignoring.

See? I've not really lost my mind. I just had a wee little vacation from it. I am still the Beacon of Productivity in a world in which people Procrastinate.

(That said, I really am feeling all fluttery and teen-age-y. Perhaps I should listen to The Cure and write in my journal before bed? And maybe put some quotes in it that are totally rad and insightful in the front. Yep, I may rock the red journal old school. That sounds like TREMENDOUS fun :) )

Time for a Break

Ok, so it probably shouldn't be time for a break. All I've accomplished so far today is the following:

1. Went back to sleep.
2. Talked on the phone.
3. Glanced at my introductory chapter, felt demoralized.
4. Mooned around like a 15 year old.
5. Glanced at the chapter again, felt similarly demoralized, but have an idea of how I can fix it.

So now, I'm blogging. I'm thinking that I may need to go into the office, although I really was trying to avoid doing that until I was notified that I got some books I'd ordered through ILL. That said, there are a couple of books in my office that I need, and I need to give my chair some paperwork stuff, and well, it just might be good for me to go in. Except I don't want to. But going in would be better than mooning around here not really able to work because I don't have everything I need, right? Right.

So yes, I'm getting kind of a late start today, but all is not lost. I am both happy that the insane phone-talking won't continue past this week when my spring break is done and a little sad about it. I'd much rather be 15 on spring break than 32 and with responsibilities. 32 and with responsibilities is really not very much fun at all.

Incidentally, the Man-Kitty is NOT happy about my recent antics. He keeps looking at me derisively and then meowing for more attention. I'm a bad kitty-mama.

Is This Procrastination?

I should, my readers, be hard at work, on this second day of my week of work. It is 9 AM. I have a book manuscript to finish. Book manuscripts are very important indeed.

But see, this week, I've somehow fallen into an epistolary and telephonic... something... that I don't quite know how to handle. And no, it's not some weird phone sex or internet sex thing, as that's what my friends asked me when I told them about the first conversation, so don't get that idea. No, it's like being 15 and staying on the phone until you're so sleepy that you're actually wired, and like there isn't enough time to say all of the things that one might possibly say, and... oh hell, I can't write more about it than that because it makes me feel very stupid and also slightly embarassed as the person with whom I've become involved in the something is going to read this and then he's going to laugh at me (in a very darling way, but still). And I thought about not writing this post, as the fact that I know this person will read this post makes me feel a little self-conscious, but dammit, I'm not letting some strange man dictate the contents of my blog. That would just be letting the terrorists win, right?

Ok, this post might not make sense, but remember: I was on the phone until 4:30 in the morning. I don't even know how to explain why I'm awake, as really I need about 4 more hours of sleep.

You know, I think this might be the fault of the red journal, that something actually is going on in my life besides work. (Of course, it's an imaginary something at this point, but whatever - it's still something and something I can't quite pin down which makes me very uncomfortable indeed.)

Ok, I'm sick of this cryptic post. I have to go lie in my bed and moon and brood for a bit, as apparently I've regressed 15 or so years over the past 3 days.

Waking Up, Warming Up

Well, the coffee is becoming coffee in the coffee-maker, and my eyes just popped open after what was an ok night's sleep (only ok because the Man-Kitty was a bit restless around 3 AM, and then around 5 AM, and of course, now he's happily asleep in my bed. Would that we all could have the M-K's schedule.

But so anyway, I'm about to embark on the real work of my spring break today. The plan is, loosely, the following.

• Drink one cup of coffee while reading blogs and continuing the waking-up process.
• Continue drinking coffee and type in all revisions and edits I've made over the past week. As I'm doing that, keep a running list if there are other things that I'd like to revisit when I look at the manuscript for the last time before I send the thing off.
• Take a break for lunch.
• Work on introduction chapter, which is really hideous at this point.
• Go to the gym.

From that point, things get a bit fuzzy. But if I accomplish all of the above, it will have been an adequately successful day. If I can do more, then it will be a superbly successful day. We shall see.

___

Update:
It's 9:40 AM, and I've typed in about half of the changes that I need to type in. Doing this makes me want to crawl into my bed and take another day off. It's not that it's so bad exactly.... it's just that this sort of work is tedious and it also shows you how much you still have left to do. I hate that. But so I need to get through the second half of things. I think I might take a shower before starting - maybe this will give me some energy?

Also, I have a post brewing about being self-motivated and my writing process and everything else but the kitchen sink. I'm not allowed to write this post until I get my revisions typed in completely. I may not be allowed to do it until I've settled in with the introduction and made some strong progress. We'll see.

It's really sunny today, albeit not terribly warm. I may go for a walk outside in the sunshine rather than going to the gym. I think that might do me good.

Ok, back to work.

___________

Update:
10:57 AM and I've completed typing in changes. So now it's on to the real and grueling work of actual writing, though I think I will take a bit of a break before embarking on that work - have some lunch, relax a bit, and then go for a walk. My aim is to settle in to work at around 2 PM, and to work solidly until 6 PM. At which point I will break for dinner, and then make a plan for either doing more work this evening or for relaxing, depending on where I end up. But now, time to eat something. I'm STARVING.

Ways to Avoid Work on a Sunday

1. On Saturday at around 6 PM, decide to have a companionable glass of wine with one's friend, A.
2. Talk to A. on the phone, whilst you both drink wine, for hours.
3. Write a blog post, which then inspires a conversation with another wine-drinking person.
4. Stay on the phone until like 6 AM. (Note to self: I am not 15 years old and I canot stay on the phone all night long anymore without serious consequences.)
5. Wake up around noon, realizing slept through two phone calls from my mother.
6. Call mother, to be lectured about staying up all night talking to boys on the phone. Also must listen to suspicious tone that indicates she thinks I'm lying about talking on the phone all night long.
7. Intermittently drink red pop, snack on cheese corn, and nap. Watch the end of Match Point. Watch in its entirety, for the second time, the movie Something New. No, I'm not kidding about that Something New movie. I also am not proud.
8. Drag self over to friend's house to feed her cat. Look for cat, though cat appears to have perfected the art of hiding. Hope cat is not in some sort of distress.
9. Realize that it's almost 5 PM. Consider eating lasagna. Write blog post.
10. Figure that, really, today is a wash, so should just do my best not to screw up tomorrow.

So Clearly Dr. Crazy Is Going through a Thing

First, let me preface this post with the caveat that I've had some wine. I had a telephonic evening in with my friend A., and so I may be a teensy bit drunk.

But on to the title of the post. As I noted above, I think I'm going through some sort of thing - a thing that is not entirely bad, but a thing nonetheless.

I was alerted to the fact that I'm going through a thing as I began preparing dinner tonight. Or actually, before that, as I examined the contents of my bags from the grocery store. See, last week I made meatloaf. I also, in recent weeks, purchased and was terribly happy as I ate some Spaghettios with Meatballs. And today, I made a lasagna. I also bought Faygo Redpop and cheese popcorn. You don't see a theme here? Well, let me break it down for you.

Everything I'm cooking is stuff I cook when I'm in love. Lasagna has been a love-dish since the days of my First Love in high school - indeed, lasagna was the first thing that I ever cooked for a Boy. And meatloaf, while it may not seem supremely romantic, is something that I only cook for love objects, in part because one person just can't (or rather shouldn't) eat a whole meatloaf. The counterpoint to the love-dishes has been foods that I loved when I was 5 years old (i.e., the Spaghettios and the cheesecorn and redpop). So I'm thinking that maybe I'm in love with myself? And that I've regressed to the 5-year old me? (And incidentally, I do think that I was in love with myself when I was five years old).

What to make of this culinary turn? Well, in part I think it has to do with the fact that I'm trying to comfort myself with food. I'm more freaked out than I'd like to admit about the book thing. But I don't think that this is all about anxiety. Because I'm also feeling pretty happy. In part I think this is about not needing to do this stuff FOR somebody else but being able to do it for myself. I think I've written here before about the fact that I tend to like to cook for myself best - that I'm not really one who cooks for others with joy. That said, I do have certain dishes that have conventionally been reserved for others, and there's something really satisfying about allowing myself to make them just for me (although it means that I will be the size of the empire state building if I don't get things under control soon). But the point, if there is one, is that I've entered into some kind of a new phase. I'm not sure what it means.

Another marker of this new phase is that today I bought a new journal. I'm not actually "done" with the last, so this is kind of a weird thing. But I went to Borders today (where I purchased Lily Allen's CD - which I love - along with the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book - awesome - and Lucinda Williams' new CD - which I've not listened to yet, as clearly I'm too happy for Lucinda. And as I was about to head to the checkout, I saw a remainder rack with journals. And, as I do love a journal, I took a look. Most of the lined journals on the rack were black (my current journal is black) and I wasn't going to buy one. There were also some blue ones, and I wasn't inspired. The journals that were lined (the only kind I will buy) were interspersed with sketch books. Also, there were some small soft-covered ones that had one page lined/one page blank that I wasn't into. No, I wanted one of the big ones - like the black and blue ones - that were lined and 8x10. But I didn't want black or blue. I found the ONE red one. I bought it. Even though I'm not done with my current journal. Or, rather, I guess I am done with it, even if it's not full.

So I've got a red journal, a fantastic lasagna (as I really do make fantastic lasagna), and I read the fourth Traveling Pants book. I also finished the preliminary revisions of all chapters that don't need major revisions in the book (though I've yet to type the changes in). And I'm feeling pretty... I don't know. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm not in some sort of a holding pattern of a life but rather that I've got something to look forward to in my life, though I've no idea what that is. And I'm excited to write in the Red Journal, even though I've no idea what I have to write in there.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I'm in some weird kind of thing - or going though a weird thing - and I don't know what it is, but I think it's good. I think that good things are ahead for me - and that something is just over the horizon that's going to be awesome. I've got absolutely no logical reason to have this feeling. And I have no idea why I feel this way, as nothing really has changed in my life to make me think that there's anything out there that will surprise me and be awesome. Huh. I don't know.

Maybe I am drunk, and tomorrow I won't feel this. Except for I felt it from the moment I bought the Red Journal and from the moment that I tasted the first bite of the lasagna that I made. I wonder what this is all about.

In Today's News...

Because I'm now the most boring blogger ever, and I can't come up with an interesting, topical title or an actual content-related thing to write about, I shall once again just report on my activities.

I suppose I'll do this in bulleted form:

• I received the contract in the mail today. The deadline for the final manuscript is in early December. This is both exciting (there is an end in sight!) and liberating (I now have something real to work toward!) and horrifying. How is it possible that I'll have a book in press in December? When I put the proposal together, I really thought it would take me a couple of years before I was at this point. In many ways, this is much better (not in the least because I've got a contract): 1) I'm really very good with deadlines and I actually find them comforting, which I attribute to my deep dark past in which I thought I'd be a journalist; 2) with a deadline in place, it's possible to make solid plans. That said, this is going to be some fuck of a 9 months.
  
• I just finished on catching up of grading of quiz-type things for one of my classes. There are a couple in there who really should think about being English majors - or at least minors. I've said as much in comments to each of them, and I hope that they find such an option palatable. While I resist encouraging students to go to grad school in English (as it's a fool's errand), I do think that the English major can be a viable one for undergraduates, and I do try to recruit a bit in my lower-level classes. At the same time, I wonder about the viability of this position. If these students stand out so much, who's to say that these students won't later come to me with dreams of grad school? And how can I encourage them in one breath and discourage them in the next? I don't know; I'm still working through this.
• I also revised another chapter today. The problems with this chapter were completely different from the problems with the chapter I talked about in my last post. I've chosen to cut about four pages, and I've made many revisions for clarity. One thing that was interesting about looking at this chapter was that I had thought for a long time that it was one of the stongest, but in looking at it, I saw many, many flaws. It was a very "dissertation-y" chapter - there was a lot of garbage that dissertations produce - unnecessary theoretical wangling, unnecessary lit review. What was weird was that I remembered why I had included some of those things in the original version, and yet I knew that they were now totally wrong. This is not the first time that I've looked at this chapter, and I think that somehow the book contract has clarified my perception of it. Like I couldn't see it as a chapter in a book until the book thing was real. This, I suppose, is the best evidence I have to this point about my whole theory that one can't write a dissertation as an actual book. The dissertation requires things of one that are just not appropriate to a book manuscript. One is serving both not enough and too many masters - one is trying to prove that one should be admitted into a club and the readability of the prose and the incisiveness of the points is lost in that attempt to serve.
  
• I'm still kind of freaked out by the possibility that they might get the whole thing and then decide to rescind the contract.
  
• I got a great card from my mom today, in which she wrote (and this is an excerpt), "I am telling you from deep down in my heart, from the moment I held you - I knew you would do great things!" First, I've got to admit, this made me think of that moment in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Ollivander says that Voldemort did "great things." And then I wondered whether I was destined to do great things in the way of the Potter or in the way of the Voldemort. Because I'm a nerd. But then I thought, you know what my mom's greatest achievement in raising me is? It's that she made me believe I was capable of great things. I imagine many if not all parents think their kids will be great the first time they hold them. What my mom did that a lot of parents don't is she made me believe that I really could achieve greatness. That's what I think makes her probably one of the best moms in the history of moms - better than her mom, who didn't do that for her. As much as she doesn't get what I do, she believes in me so much. And she's always communicated that belief to me, and it's transferred into a belief in myself. That said, when I called her tonight to thank her for the card and to tell her most (minus the Harry Potter stuff) of what I've written here, and to tell her about receiving the actual contract, the first reaction that she had was, "so you're going to be crazy until December, right?" and so my mom is not some warm, fuzzy mom who doesn't tell it like it is, and you shouldn't get that idea about her. Rather, she tells it exactly like it is, and maybe that's what makes me believe her assessment of me more. Also, she did actually use the word "crazy," so clearly we have yet another endorsement of the pseudonym I've chosen.
  
• In other news, I was really happy with the class that I taught today. I wish I could say more about it, but I can't without compromising the thin veil of pseudonymity that I still maintain. All I can say is, I think that it went very well, and I think that students were into it.
• I wish I could remember where I put my watch. This is a bullet of blogging the lost.
• I've still got that pornography post brewing. Look for that over spring break.
• One of the things that was greatest about one of my classes on Tuesday was that my students confirmed once again my theory that all of those critics who say that literature no longer has the power to shock are totally wrong. I believe, as my students confirm, that literature has the power to shock in ways that are totally foreign and that fuck with your head. I need to find a more articulate way to present this theory, as I think that it's worth putting out there in more than blog form.
• Question: so your editor asks you to provide him with names of people who will review your manuscript. Do you consult with the people whose names you give and ask if they'd be into it, or is this supposed to be a blind-review-ish sort of a thing? I feel like an idiot for not knowing this, but I figured y'all would know the answer.
• I need to read Barthes' "Death of the Author" for class tomorrow, and I think I just can't make myself do it. It's probably not entirely necessary for me to reread it, but it would be good.
• I also have more grading that I should do - must do - before tomorrow. I think I'm putting off until tomorrow what I should do today.

I think that's everything. Until tomorrow.

Insert Boring Title Here

I'm trying to decide whether I should look at another chapter. Part of me thinks it would be best to put off this activity and instead to take to my bed reasonably early (as am exhausted) and then wake up tomorrow all refreshed and rejuvenated to get back on the productivity wagon.

Today was one hell of a day, for it included: Lecturing/discussion-leading for three hours straight, reading most of the introduction of the book I need to write something about in the next, oh, week or so, a speculum, a department meeting, and then a 2-3 hour bath. (No, I'm not kidding- I really was in the tub that long - I just kept adding hot water. I finished The Historian, which I've got to say left me a bit flat. It was all descriptive (and its description of Budapest was dead on) and historical and stuff, but after about 200 pages, well, I was done. And ultimately the plot was kind of lame. Some might call it "nuanced" but that would be code for lame. I think I needed a lame book over the past days, but whatever. It was imperative that I finish it so that I wouldn't be embroiled in what turned out to be the most boring story about the undead ever to be written.

The day also included an email from a friend whom I'd written about the book contract. (Maybe all I needed to do was to blog it and make it happen? Sort of like how the day before I got the email saying they were interested in the book I'd put "get a book contract" down as one of the goals for 2007 on my annual report? Maybe I should just write down everything I want and then I'll get everything as if by magic? But I digress....) I also got the first response for the panel that I'm putting together for next year's MLA and it is from this scholar whom I don't know but whom I TOTALLY admire and whom I totally cite all over said book manuscript. Even more exciting is that this is a scholar connected to the one little subworld of my manuscript in which I've feared to enmesh myself, so perhaps this will lead to yet another connection in the Wide World of Scholarship (not unlike the Wide World of Sports, though all skiing accidents are metaphorical).

But so anyway, do I look at the chapter on the book that features a middle-aged lady giving a party or do I go to bed? This, my friends, is the question. I think I'm going to put off the revision. It will keep (a) and I'm feeling kind of unfocused (b), which isn't ideal for the revision process. Also, I can't face looking at another chapter that overuses the transition phrases, "On the one hand," and "on the other hand," as the chapter that I looked at last night did. Who knew I had so many hands? (This reminds me of Fiddler on the Roof.) I hope I don't do that throughout the whole damned manuscript. That would be a tragedy.

The other thing I need to do is apply for a course release for next semester, as I'm abandoning my quasi-admin post and thus will be back to the traditional 4/4 unless something happens by magic. I'm not in any way guaranteed the course release, and in fact getting it would be a pretty big coup, even though I definitely have the work to back it up.

You'll notice that I have pretty much decided that I'll be here next year, which I think is the only way to go forward from this point without facing utter devastation that stops me from doing all of what I need to do in the next month. Of course, never say never, and I'm still saying a little prayer for another outcome every night, but I'm trying to be realistic about the possibility (probability?) that I'm here for next year. And with that in mind, I need to get some shit together with funding for summer travel and with workload for next year.

But I don't need to do any of this tonight. Tonight, I think I just need to go to bed.

February May Be the Cruelest Month...

But one compensation is that it's also Girl Scout Cookie Month. Must go gorge myself now :)

Sleepy Morning

It doesn't help that your cat likes to wake you up at 4 AM but then he decides it's time to settle down for a snooze right when you actually need to get up and showered and moving, but so there it is. At any rate, I'm pleased to report that after my post last night I went through the chapter I'd needed to look at (which is really quite good, if I do say so myself) and made some changes. Once I've completed a once-over of all chapters I'll need to look at the manuscript as a whole, when I suspect I may still change a few things, but whatever. I'm on my way, and I'm excited to look at the next chapter. I also cleaned out my bag and organized all of my stuff that I need to grade/record. I'm hopeful that I will actually grade/record all of this in the next hour and a half, but I probably am lying to myself.

So let me apologize for something right now. I'm going to use this blog as a space where I report my activities in the next few weeks, and I know it's boring. But it helps me to feel positive and to keep accomplishing more things if I actually write down what I'm getting done, and somehow putting it on the blog works better for that than putting it in my journal. I know I've said I don't use the blog as an accountability thing - and generally I don't - but with as much on my plate as I've got now, I think that doing a little of that will be a good thing. I've even been thinking about putting one of those counter graph things in the sidebar, but that's probably going too far.

A couple of things that have been bugging me. 1) I haven't heard a peep from that place where I did the campus visit. 2) I also haven't heard a peep from my diss adviser and a number of other people that I told about the book contract. What's with people? As for the job people, it's totally cool if I'm not the first (or second or third) choice, but isn't it rude not to congratulate me? As for the adviser, well, this is our relationship, and this is probably what has motivated me to get a book contract in the first place - trying to make him responsive and interested in me, which he is not - and as for the other correspondents, well, I think that there's just some kind of weird sucky sour grapes thing going on, and that really blows. I hate people. And I can't even begin to describe the range of reactions in my department. Some people didn't speak to me for a week. No, I'm not kidding.

Ok, so done with that bitching for the moment. Must get my overbooked day underway. Also, a question: do I really have to shave my legs if I have a doctor appointment this afternoon? I feel like I do, but then I also feel like it's winter and I'm in the dryest of dry spells and shaving one's legs is a pain in the ass and why do I have to do that for the doctor? I already decided that if it's happening it's happening right before the doctor - not during the morning shower, where I was groggy with the sleepiness - so feel free to weigh in.

On Being (Less) Productive (Than I'd Hoped)

One of the things that is a challenge for me about doing research-related projects during the academic year is that I feel most motivated to work on research-related projects at around 9:30-10:30 PM during the academic year, which doesn't really make sense as it's not wise for me to stay up until all hours of the night completing what I start. Unless I am entirely unscheduled (i.e., unless its summer, or unless I'm living with my parents and not working and my only job is to write - ala when I wrote my dissertation), I have a very hard time making myself get going on research-related projects at a reasonable time of day, especially if I'm out of the research groove, as I have been this academic year because all of my research mojo was channelled into the job search. And so, because this is the case, I've been procrastinating since about 1 PM, and all I've accomplished is to make a to-do list and to revamp my midterm for one of my classes. The midterm thing was on the to-do list, so that's good, but I've got so much that I need to do, and yet I've pissed away approximately 8 hours.

While I don't believe in waiting for inspiration in order to do research stuff (as I'm constantly trying to hammer into my students), I do believe that we all have natural rhythms for when we do certain kinds of work best (as I keep quiet about around my students). And my natural rhythms are such that research-related stuff seems like the thing to do right around what should probably be bedtime. I don't think that this is all genetic - I think part of it has to do with conditioning. When I was in high school and working, and then later in college and working, The time to write papers was after work. But I do think that part of it is a natural disposition - and part of the reason why I don't carve out other blocks of time when I am scheduled is because it takes too much energy to do so because I really do prefer to write at night. But so I had all of these high hopes for today, and now I'm doing my best not to beat myself up about how I didn't achieve all of what I wanted to achieve. Because, really, it's ok. It's only day one of the current push, and I've got about 30 more days to go. It's really ok if I get off to a slow start. This is a marathon, not a sprint, yes?

But so I'm writing this blog post to get me in the mood to work on revising a chapter. Again, these are superficial revisions rather than substantive ones - I'm saving the substantive revisions that I've procrastinated about doing for spring break, when I've got uninterrupted time. Today I requested some stuff through interlibrary loan, and I'll probably request some more (and print out some stuff, and go to the actual library) tomorrow and then Friday. So I am making some progress. The problem is, my mind has been too scattered all day (thinking about teaching, thinking about other crap I've got to do) to sit down and focus on the hard work of editing and honing. See, that's the thing: this stuff is hard work. And it's really hard to motivate oneself to do hard work, because hard work in itself is not fun. Sure, the end result is satisfying, but the actual work part is, well, work.

What makes teaching easier in a lot of ways is that you have an outside source to motivate you, i.e., students. But with research, if one lets oneself go down this road, well, there really is no point to it. Who is it for? It's not like the house is on fire and the only thing that will put it out are some ideas I have about some books. It can wait, right? I suppose this is why God invented deadlines.

(I've decided that if God is responsible for Jennifer Hudson's Oscar win, then he's also responsible for all things in the world, including the tinfoil shrug she wore last night. And by the way, the whole "God made this happen" thing is really fucked up, because it means that God does great stuff for some people and then he shits all over other people. I hate it when people thank God at award shows. Not that one can't thank God if one believes in him/her, and incidentally, I do believe in some God-like force and I thank that God-like force for lots of stuff, but I don't announce to the world that I'm God's chosen person whenever anything happens to me. It's gauche.)

Ok, so on that note, it's time for me to buckle down to some work. Double-triple-quadruple UGH.

Feeling Energized on Monday? Who Knew It Was Possible?

Well. This weekend I did NOTHING. I did not grade, I did not read (for work), I did not prep, I did not write. I did not allow myself to feel guilty over not doing the above, but rather I reveled in laziness. I took a calculated risk (re: being the Laziest Crazy Alive) in order to gear up for what promises to be a wicked month of work on all fronts. And you know what?

I feel great this morning. Rested. Relaxed. Ready to go. The one thing I did do was make a little to-do list last night (and to realize that I've tragically overbooked myself for tomorrow). So now it's time to hit the ground running. One thing I do have to say, though, is that I'm kind of ticked off that I watched the Oscars in its entirety last night. It was so. so. boring. So many read speaches. The interpretive dance interludes were just dumb. And nobody was wicked excited in the manner of Three Six Mafia. And why did Kirstin Dunst's dress have a collar? And why does my boyfriend Phillip Seymour Hoffman look like a homeless person, always? And does he own know formal shirts that aren't black? Because really - it's time to change up the shirt beneath the formal suit and to stop wearing electric blue ties. And to buy a comb. Yes, PSF, you are still my boyfriend, but even my patience with your slatternly appearance is wearing thin.

Other than that, hmmm.... not sure what else to write. I need to get myself dressed and ready to go teach, but I'm procrastinating about that just a wee bit. My plan for the day is to go teach my class and then to flee the premises immediately so as to get a good afternoon of work done. On the agenda today is to:

1) polish one chapter of the manuscript (in the form of rephrasing jargon-laden grad-school prose, eliminating ridiculous and unnecessary notes, etc.)
2) read two chapters of the book I'm doing a review-ish piece for.
3) catch up on grading in one of my classes.
4) clean out my bookbag (which tragically I did not accomplish this weekend.
5) go to the gym (for the first time in AGES)
6) go to the grocery store for supplies (i.e., diet black cherry vanilla coke)

It's a lot, but I think it's manageable. Especially after the sloth of the past three days.

And by the way? I really make a delicious meatloaf, but nobody - and I mean nobody - needs to eat meatloaf every two hours in a crazy gluttonous celebration of it. No, not even me. (Have decided not to worry about eating in a low-cal way for the next month - with the stipulation being that I must cook the delicious things I eat from scratch rather than relying on processed foods. Something has to give somewhere, and I really don't think it's possible to focus on diet when one has all of the stuff to focus on that I've really got to focus on right now.)

Ok, on that note, I've got to get myself together and get my relaxed ass to school.