Introspection

Although of course, since I'm posting this on the blog it's not quite total introspection - extrospection? Is that a word? Because that's what I'm doing. When I'm truly introspective I write in my journal, but sometimes I find that I'd rather write on the blog than in the journal because it forces me to do more than to ramble and whine and pine and moan. Tragically, my journal tends to be one that is filled with the above - the good things that happen appear only as quickly dashed off lines - like punctuation to the rambling screeds that fill the pages. In that way, the journal is therapeutic, but it also means that it's not true. It's irrational, it's off the cuff, it doesn't much care about readability. It represents a version of my life, but that version is... limited. And so tonight, as I wind down after a day that wasn't as unproductive as it might have been though which was, largely, unproductive given the List of Things to Do, I don't want to write in the journal. I don't want to give in to its solipsism and I don't want to go round in circles in the way that I do there. And so I turn to the blog, probably making some people "amazingly queasy," not because I want to divulge all of the gory details of my life here but because I don't want to get caught up in the gory details. I want to take the gory details and to turn them into something - and I can't do that in a forum that exists for me alone. Or maybe I won't do that - I'm sure I could but whether I could or would I don't.

So tonight I had a great talk with my friend J., and it was... yeah, it was good. J. has had one hell of a past couple of years, involving a bad relationship, changing jobs, and a bunch of other things. But the thing that's great about talking to J. is that she's totally outside of the academic orbit. She reads self-help books and chick lit unironically, she goes to a shrink and to a psychic, she makes mistakes but she's always thinking about how to improve who she is. She believes that you can improve who you are. She's 35, single, she's got this great career, and she's not... cynical - even though she could be. Of the people in my life, I think that she's probably the one person I'd ever say wasn't cynical (even when she should be, some might argue - that a dose of cynicism can ultimately be a blessing). My point, I suppose, is it's good to have a person in one's life who can tell you, again, without irony, that you should pray to god and to the angels for what you want and then you'll get it. (She's not all fundamentalist or something - she just actually believes in things, which so many of us are far too "smart" to do.)

But so one thing that I've been thinking a lot about is that I need to live my life more - all parts of it. In a lot of ways I'm a really closed off person. I know, how is this possible, given that I blab all of my business out to the world every day? But while I blab, in my actual life, I think that I sometimes don't take leaps I should take. Oh sure, I take leaps, but they are rational leaps, sensibly and carefully considered leaps. And sure, people are often noting my "bravery" in taking those leaps that I do take, which for others might seem incredibly risky. But what I do when the opportunity for a real irrational leap happens is I back off. This is all related to my tendency to fall into holding patterns, to my tendency to put things that are scary or uncertain on the back-burner and instead to focus all of my attention on that which is controllable. The thing about J., as wacky as she may be with the angels and the psychic and all the rest, is that she really is open to possibility. I love the idea of possibility, I don't really believe in it and I'm not really open to it, not if it doesn't fit into the rational and logical constraints of my life. The problem is, I make those rational and logical constraints, and so perhaps a dose of faith might do me some good.

I've been thinking a lot about this because of the intense pressure I've been feeling in the past month or so, related to work stuff. I honestly haven't felt this kind of pressure since getting this job. Sure, I've been busy, and I've accomplished a lot - perhaps more than many others in the same situation might do - but what getting a job meant for me was that I had mental and physical space to become my unpressured self again. That's not to say that there hasn't been pressure, but I became a person who read for pleasure again, who listened to music again, who wrote in my journal not only about work again (the dissertation took over all journaling when I was dissertating, so I had to learn how to write in there about my life again after that was finished). In the past month or so, I've reverted in some really fucked up ways to the person I was in graduate school. I've lashed out at people who haven't deserved it, I've been really emotionally up and down, I've been beating myself up for all I'm not getting done, I've been really insecure about whether I'm doing anything well. And the thing that's crazy is that I remember being this person, and I thought she was gone.

The thing is about this, though, that some parts of it are really great. That may seem contradictory, but there is something... alluring... about not having every single fucking thing under control. It's nice in some ways (though uncomfortable) to think that things might happen that I don't plan, that I don't decide. But the corollary of that is that I also feel really out of control, and that makes me do things that don't make me happy, in an effort to get the control back. Notice a recurring word here? That pesky word "control"? Yes, I think I may be a bit of a control freak.

The fact of the matter is, I want to control everything. I always have. Like the whole world, I mean. I want to control how other people feel in relation to me, I want to control how every aspect of the classes that I teach go, I want to control every. little. thing. This is not healthy. I know it's not healthy. I do my best not to be this person. But deep down, this is who I am. And at the end of the day, I totally wish I were different. Because while these impulses serve me in many areas, they are deeply, deeply fucked up. And they fuck me up, even as I think at the time that they make everything ok.

I don't want to be a cynical person. I don't want to be a closed off person. I don't want to be a jaded person. I don't want to be the sort of person who questions everything to the point that she makes it unreal. I don't want to be the sort of person who retreats into work because it's controllable when ultimately, work is not going to be the thing that gives my life meaning.

In my conversation with my mom this afternoon, I said something that I never would have imagined I'd say. I said to her that if I won the lottery, or if there were a really good reason akin in scale to winning the lottery, that I would quit this job in a minute, even if it meant not having a job as a college professor on the tenure-track. I blurted this out while I was crying to her, and I didn't know I felt it or that it was true until I said it. The fact of the matter is, this job, this career, which I've used to define myself and to order my choices since I was 20 years old, isn't really all that important to me. I am in a place where I feel like I've achieved what I'd meant to achieve, and if something else came along - some opportunity, some possibility - I think it would be a mistake to hang on to this career just because of the years that I put into achieving it. The thing is, I've done what I set out to do, and ultimately, while my life is fine, I'm not satisfied with it. It's not enough. It never has been. I don't think it can be.

I don't want to go on the market next year just to move up in the academic hierarchy or something. I don't give a shit about that, even though I think I did when I went on the market this year. And I don't want to stay here just to get tenure. Sure, tenure means security, but fuck security if it means living this deliberately limited life.

But so. Where does all of this leave me? I've had this revelation, so now what?

1. Of course I'm going to keep wanting things professionally and I'm going to keep pushing myself professionally. But that can't happen to the exclusion of everything else.
2. Even as I'm totally overcommitted and totally stressed out, I'm going to work on my personal life right here. Sure, I might leave, but living in the future is no answer to my present dissatisfaction. Especially since this mythical future may never come.
   
3. I'm going to let a thing that's going on in the periphery go on, and I'm going to see what develops. I'm not going to shut it down because it's inconvenient and stupid. Because as inconvenient and stupid as it is, it's somehow important. I don't know in what way it's important, but it's not some fake, imaginary thing, and it's not ... I don't know. I don't know what it's not but that's partly because I'm not entirely sure what it is. And while that indeterminacy is totally uncomfortable, I'm not going to do, or I'm going to try not to do, that thing I do, where I stop things before there's anything, really, to stop. (I'll admit, I already did a version of that thing I do, and - I think luckily - I failed.) But yes, it's in the periphery, and I need it not to be in the center, but I also think that I need to let it play out to whatever conclusion to which it will naturally come. I need to not do some melodramatic thing that closes off possibility (which I did in the one other comparable situation to this that I've had in my life - which I named and controlled and ultimately turned into a thing that cannot become anything other than the thing that I decided it could be).

I know this is cryptic, and for that I apoligize. I'm using you to figure shit out. So if you've read to this point, thanks. Because if it weren't for readers, if it weren't for blogging, I'd probably be crying again, writing illegibly in my journal. As it is, I'm feeling kind of good. I feel like this post helped me get my mind around a lot of stuff that I haven't really allowed myself to deal with.

Today's been a quiet day. Other than talking to J. and my mom, and to A. in the morning, I've been pretty much silent. I haven't been emailing, I haven't been emoting. I've kind of just been sitting with myself. And I think that's good for me every now and again, even if it's not something that is the norm for me, which it's not, because I'm chatty.

It's just so weird to think that I don't really care whether or not I remain an academic. It's so weird to think that I care about other things more than I care about professional accomplishments and success.

So I've been listening to the iPod on shuffle, and the song "Absolutely Cuckoo" by the Magnetic Fields just came on. I think that signals the end of this post.

Working When Unmotivated

Things accomplished today:

1. Paid my Macy's bill off (yay!)
2. Went to the drugstore, thought I wasn't going to buy anything non-essential, and the next thing I knew I'd spent 40 bucks. This is why I can really only allow myself to go like once a month.
   
3. Began writing the review - 2 crappy, fragmented pages. But still - two crappy fragmented pages is a start. A crappy start, but a start nonetheless.
   
4. Talked to my mom and actually cried. Like for-real crying - not just a teardrop welling up sort of crying but snotty sobbing crying. I haven't cried in.... recent memory. I used to cry all the time. Huh. I think this was a combo of the topic of discussion, the time of the month, and stress. It's just weird how close to the surface my emotions have been lately and how changeable they've been. Again, I think this is probably very much stress-related.
   
5. Decided that tomorrow is a new day and that I will accomplish all the things I need to do then. That is a stupid, stupid thing to decide. At least I don't really need to go in Monday until 3 PM.
6. Watched The Last Days of Disco.
   
7. Thought about things I don't feel like writing about but that do make me feel kind of warm and fuzzy (for even with the crying, life is not all bad).

Tonight I'm going to watch episodes of Sex and the City, have a glass or two of wine, and do some research stuff I've got to do. I'm going to bed early and I'm going to have a for-real productive day tomorrow - not a faux productive day that one has when one would rather be doing almost anything other than working.

I can't wait until these two weeks of self-imposed exile are up (manuscript deadline is a week from Monday). My parents are talking about coming down for a visit, there are some social things on the horizon that might actually materialize, and well, it will be more consistently spring. And then it will be the end of the semester. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to get through the next week and a half and all will be fine. I just know it will.

Procrastination, Day Two

Though it turns out I won't go out tonight (which had been a possibility) so all is not lost, even though I still can't motivate myself to work. What am I doing instead of working? Let's let Nick Hornby describe it:

"To me, making a tape is like writing a letter - there's a lot of erasing and rethinking and starting again [. . .] A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do" (88-9).

Yes, I'm making a mix. Haven't done this since 1999. (Oh, actually though, I think there was an intended mix for a guy I dated a couple of years ago, but I didn't put that much thought into it and I never gave it to him. Wonder whatever happened to that one....)

Next thing you know I'll decide to rearrange my furniture.

Or maybe dye my hair.

Or maybe clean my study.

Or decide to wash my car.

Lord, the possibilities for procrastination really are endless....

Oh, and a Thing That I Loved Today

A bumper-sticker, on a Chevy Corsica (and do they even make those anymore?):

"My Give-A-Damn is Busted"

I saw this as I was driving home from work. I think this might be my issue this week.

Productivity - Infatuation = Procrastination

I have spent my day today, rather than working on many of the things that I must complete immediately - like grading, a book, a review, prep - working on an advertisement and syllabus for a course that I will teach in the fall.

What is the course? Well, you'll have to guess from this image. The image is both disturbing and provocative, but curiously covered up and straight, don't you think?

In other news, I'm feeling very foolish for doing the Classic Crazy Flip-Out on the Object of my (former) Infatuation. I think I had a tantrum, like a kid who didn't get a nap that day. Let's ignore the fact that the CCFO happened between 6:30 and 9:20 AM. Comments from my friends to whom I told my tale of woe:

"You are your mother's daughter."

"Oh, I recognize this. It's that thing you do. That thing you do when you've been kept waiting just one second too long. It's a special skill, breaking up with somebody who isn't your boyfriend."

But so yeah. I'm procrastinating. Also, I make somebody amazingly queasy. At least the others who make this person queasy along with me are my peeps :)

Close Reading (By Request)

So what seems like an eternity ago, I did a post in which I talked about why I think close reading is so important a skill to teach to students. And somebody in comments asked me to post about how to teach close reading, and I never got around to responding. Tonight, another reader, who teaches physics, sent me an email asking me to talk more about it because apparently these kids today can't do story problems. And then today, in handing back papers in my upper-level class, it struck me that I need to do more in class to demonstrate how to do close reading in a more explicit way. So, in a little break from the lunacy of today, I've decided it's the perfect moment for a post about close reading. (Let's put to the side for the moment the fact that my "close reading" abilities may in fact end up being the end of me.)

Ok, so first things first. What is "close reading"?

You can't teach it if you don't tell them exactly what you mean by the term. But telling them isn't enough, because it's too abstract. You've got to tell them, and then also trick them into doing it. So, as a basic definition, I usually explain that it's really dealing with the words in a passage of text. That it's not using a passage to speak for you, but rather looking deeply at the passage and explaining what it says. I tell them to use the prompt of "in other words" to start the process. So, let's say you're dealing with this passage from Patricia Duncker's BRILLIANT novel Hallucinating Foucault:

"You ask me what I fear most. You know already or you would not ask. It is the loss of my reader, the man for whom I write. My greatest fear is that one day, unexpectedly, suddenly, I will lose you. We never see one another and we never speak directly, yet through the writing our intimacy is complete. My relationship with you is intense because it is addressed every day, through all my working hours" (72).

In other words, what? You can't just go from this to "In today's society, people pay more attention to the reader than the writer. Patricia Duncker's novel considers this, and blah blah blah." You also can't go from that to, "I totally agree with this because when I met my boyfriend, I realized blah blah blah." There's got to be more.

You've got actually to deal with the language. You've got to:

1. Provide context for the passage. Who's speaking? Who's the addressee? Is there another assumed "reader" than the one to whom the passage is addressed? What is the situation in the book at this moment?
2. Actually look at the language. What makes this particular passage significant? Why should anybody care about it more than about any other passage that might be chosen?
   
3. You've got to relate what you have to say about language and context to your broader claim about the text at hand. You can't just assume the reader will "get it." The reader, rarely, "gets it" without some instruction from the writer.

So, this is great, right? A key to close reading. Just do #1 #2 and #3, and you've got it down. Except no. Because this is a skill that needs to be developed. It's not enough to be a talented writer (although that will help a great deal) and to know the rules. You've got to work to develop the skill to communicate your reading of a text to others. It's not just about getting it in your own head - in part because what you think in your own head doesn't necessarily mean you get it. This is why the whole "I think for a long time and then I just sit down and dash something off" thing doesn't work. Except, of course, that this is what students many times are trained to do. When they are asked to demonstrate engagement with a text, they are often asked to react to the text. Close reading is not reaction. I don't particularly care how you "feel" about a text. Nor does anybody else. Nor do I care that it reminds me of when your grandmother had alzheimers. That has nothing to do with what is in the actual text. Nor do I care what you "got from it." I care about what is there. (This, incidentally, is why I think Dr. Pion's students may be failing to comprehend the story problems - because they're used to reacting and not to reading.)

The problem, as far as I can tell, is one of focus. My students don't necessarily focus intently on what they read. They don't necessarily read with pen in hand. Or if the pen is in hand, it's just underlining cool stuff, and not really entering into a conversation with the texts that they read. When I was an undergraduate, I was a talented writer, but I was also the sort of reader who read for "cool passages." Now, of course I still read for "cool passages," but now I actually ask myself why they are illuminating and cool. THIS is what missing from the NCLB testing world. There is no need to focus because there is no need for a why. You don't need to engage deeply because there is no evaluation of deep engagement. And with no evaluation comes no reward.

So how do you force students to develop this focus? This deep engagement with the text? This ability to take apart something that is complex and to deal with it?

My strategy includes the following:

1) Regular (4-5 in a 15 week semester) formal writing in short (1-2 page), relatively low-risk (no more than 5% of the grade per paper) assignments that I grade with (some of my students might say) too-high expectations. They would have the exact same assignment for each of the papers. The point is not to change up the assignment, but to let them develop as writers through doing the assignment over and over again with different texts/arguments. What such assignments do is they force the writer to be concise (not enough room in a short assignment to pad), they force a writer to get to the point, and they force a writer to have a tight and logical organization. These assignments are NOT easy. How do I know? Because I had a similar kind of series of assignments in a class as an undergraduate. I learned more from writing those 1-page papers than I learned in graduate school. That's not hyperbole.

2) In-class activities that break down the process of close reading without saying "this is close reading." Example: Break students into groups. Assign each group a poem or a stanza of a longer poem. Then have each group do the same thing: 1) Look at the technical stuff - scan the peom, figure out the rhyme scheme, identify poetic devices like metaphor, etc.; 2) summarize what happens in whatever they're looking at; 3) talk about how looking at the form illuminates the content of the passage; 4) relate the passage to some bigger thing (the whole poem if it's a stanza, the unit of the course, etc.); 5) come up with three questions or comments related to the poem or stanza. This sort of activity teaches them how to read. It teaches them how not just to look at words and to react. And you can do similar things with asking students to evaluate characters in novels or plays, or to evaluate scenes or chapters of novels. The point is to take what experienced readers do and to articulate it to them in steps. And to use these kinds of activities regularly, so they get into the habit of looking at texts through these kinds of focal points.

3) Model for them what you are looking for them to do. This is one that I'm weakest on, but I've been working hard on it this year. One strategy I use for this in writing classes is to come up with an introduction for a paper on the board as a class. Another strategy I've used in upper-level classes is to give them a handout in which I mark up a piece of academic writing to show them where the analysis is, to show how much quoted material is there and how it is integrated, to show how the writer integrates quoted material into his/her own argument.

4) And I'm going to try something new in my upper-level class this week - a kind of hybrid in-class thing that comes from wanting to show them how to close-read while at the same time I want to discuss the end of a novel. The plan is this: I'm going to find a bunch of passages in the novel and type them up. Each student will get a unique passage. I'll give them five minutes to read the passage and to provide a "close reading" of it (with instructions about general things to address). They will not put their names on the sheets. When fifteen minutes is up, we will form a circle, and we will do this thing I've done in writing classes, sometimes called a "round-robin" activity, that's kind of like musical chairs. I'll have students pass the papers around until I say "stop!" (or yell, as often ends up happening, because this is kind of fun and crazy) When I yell stop, I call on somebody to read the passage and then the response to it. (Nobody is embarassed or called out on what they wrote because it's anonymous). Then, we discuss the response, both in terms of discussing the novel and in terms of critiquing the "reading" of the passage that the writer provided. I've never done this before, so it may be a disaster, but I think that it could do exactly what I need it to do. I'll report back when I've got results.

So, to sum up: define in plain terms, give opportunities (multiple, formal and informal) to practice, model. Yep, those I think are the keys to teaching close reading.

But a final thought, and one I've expressed in various situations to my students: developing one's ability to close read is a good thing but it's also a dangerous thing. It means that you will "read too much into things" and it means that you will make mistakes in life that less careful people would avoid. It will mean that you'll end up in whirlwinds of drama that any rational person would avoid or just would never even think of experiencing. Because once you learn how to do this, you can't not do it. You can't just take things at face value anymore. Everything has more than a superficial meaning. It's enough to make a person Crazy (even if she does get a PhD in the process).

Beware the Ides of March

Today, the spring-like weather left, I behaved like a certifiable lunatic, I remembered just a second ago that this is also the anniversary of the Demise of my last Serious Relationship - which, I now realize, was 4 years ago and it's ridiculous I've not gotten back on the horse yet - which I remember not because it's the Ides of March but because Mar. 16 would have been my parents' wedding anniversary, and it struck me as oddly fitting that I'd always be forced to remember that breakup because of the proximity to the wedding anniversary of my parents who don't speak to each other.* I'm all kinds of fucked up today.

In other news, I think one of my students has a crush on me, I'm nearly caught up with grading, and today at work was generally not totally horrible, in spite of the fact that I forgot all of this crap I needed in order to teach my classes, so that meant winging it, and that means that I gave a brilliant lecture that is totally irretrievable and unreproducable, as it was entirely spontaneous.





*You know what, though? I think that I have a tradition of irrational and fight-picking behavior on this day. A few fuzzy memories are coming back to me.... Crap. May need to break out old journals to see if there is a pattern to my insane behavior.

RBoC in Five Minutes

• I'm not sure about my outfit today. In theory, it's a usual sort of teaching outfit - black skirt, black boots, shirt, cardigan - but somehow I look like a whore.
• I'm hungry.
• I hope my students have something good to say in class because I'm not really in the mood to do the whole trained seal thing today.
• Do you know I actually forgot about American Idol this week because I was so busy? That yesterday I was surprised that it was Wednesday and not Monday? This week has been like one long Monday.
• I think I'm no longer infatuated. I need more attention in order to keep infatuation alive. No attention = bored now.
• Why am I always running late? (And don't say it's because I choose to blog when I'm supposed to be going someplace.)
  
• I wish that I could cancel class tomorrow and just stay in bed. (Yes, I realize it's hilarious that I'm thinking about that a full 24 hours before I need to do so.)
• I really want to go out this weekend. Weird, as I've not wanted to go out for months.
  
• The Man-Kitty is exceptionally pleased with his chickeny-delicious cat food. Why that cat isn't into fish flavors (won't even LOOK at tuna) I don't understand. Finicky (and yet now pleased) Man-Kitty.
• Ok, I really have to go - my five minutes are more than up.
  

Internet Cassanovas, Boyfriends from 20 years ago: Yes, I Do Have Crazy Friends

So, my friend A. just got out of a non-relationship with this guy. He had stalked her on Friendster, and courted her for months, pretended to be Mr. Open and Honest and Such, and then, after some intimacy, Disappeared. So apparently today, she did some exploring on MySpace, and realized that he is an Internet Cassanova. Oh yes, Mr. "Hey! I'm Bighead Fuckwit!" (and for Bighead Fuckwit you should insert his name, for this is a phrase he utters over and over again), is no novice to teh internets, and he is now shopping his wares on the MySpace, after disappearing from A.'s life. This, after he masqueraded as Mr. Open and Honest and Looking for a Relationship. Happily, A. has found some closure in the realization that he is an Internat Cassanova (her words - not mine). That said, fuck, "Hey! I'm Bighead Fuckwit!".

In other news, a friend who shall for the present time remain anonymous who is at an academic conference, who took herself out to a lovely meal and then took herself out for a delicious whiskey in the conference hotel bar, ran into some conference-goers from a steamboat convention that is taking place at the same hotel, over the same weekend. Over the course of the conversation, the steamboat people said, "I bet you don't know anything about the steamboat business," and she replied, "well, actually, I used to know somebody who was in the steamboat business."

To make a long story short, Her One True Love from College, whom she's not seen since 1988, may well be on the premises!!!!! Fuck!!! Who knew academic conferences could be so dangerous???

In other news, Crazy finished grading her midterms. It turns out, I'm the least Crazy in the bunch. Must go drink wine....

The Day in Review

So. I posted a list this morning of all the things I would do. Let's take another look at that list. The items in bold are done:

1. Travel $ requests for my summer travels, including begging letter to people not my department chair to try to squeeze a bit more cash out of the university (draft completed but didn't print it out and send the fucker. Tomorrow for that).
2. Grading. Ever more grading.
   
3. Meet with two students.
4. Finish with friend's book so can write overdue review.
5. Wonder why I'm considered an XX Scholar when I'm woefully underread in that area. Beat self up for not having read all those things people assume I've read, but then still don't read any of them. (This one's easy, as I do this most days.)
   
6. Consider how I'm going to decide who to reject for the MLA panel. Edited to add: Am ruminating about proposing an additional special session with those who don't get on the allied org. panel, though I don't have high hopes for that panel going given the limited interest in the topic. Not sure if it's worth the work given that this is the case. Also, it's really not a terribly sexy topic - and we all know how the MLA loves a sexy topic. (Deleted long and winding ruminations about this item)
7. Figure out what I'm doing in the class I'm teaching this morning. (I mostly know, but I need to figure out which activity I'm having them do, figure out how to manage to meet with each of them as they do that activity.)
   
8. Make list of things to do for end of week (as week is getting out of control a little bit).
9. Email. Ever more email.
10. Prep for committee meeting and committee meeting.
11. Prep for class tomorrow in which I'm teaching a novel I've never taught before (because I'm dumb and I think it's a good idea to put things on syllabi I've never taught before to "change it up" but at least I am very familiar with the novel and I did reread it already, and I've taught other texts by the author, so it's a matter of organizing ideas more than anything else.)
    
12. At least go for a walk, but maybe go to the gym.

Now, looking at the above, it seems I've surpassed my 60% minimum, and so really, I could stop for the day. Actually, though, I think it would be better if I did do some of the "ever more grading" so as to be able to be done with it. It's only like 10 midterms. Yes, I should do that.

The rest, though, I think will wait for tomorrow.

Edited to add: I've got 4 or 5 more midterms to grade. Ugh. If I hear one more thing about "today's society," I might lose my mind. That's saying something, as I already have embraced a Crazy altar ego.

Soundtrack to Grading

So I'm grading some papers and I have Pandora playing on my computer. Here is the playlist so far:

1. Saying Goodbye - The Muffs
2. Weak Spot - The Detroit Cobras (a GREAT band)
3. Doll Parts - Hole
4. Huffer - The Breeders
5. New Radio - Bikini Kill
6. Pushin' On - The Quantic Soul Orchestra
7. Teenage Whore - Hole
8. Lurgee - Radiohead
9. Pass It Around - The Donnas
10. All Tomorrow's Parties - The Velvet Underground

Ok, two more to grade. Going to stop taking breaks to post what is on the pandora in order to just finish.

Here Comes the Sun?

Ok, not really, as it's supposed to thunderstorm today, but I woke up feeling like a whole new (and non-bitchy) woman, even though I did have a dream that sucked because it was one of those ones where there was a person in my house even though I didn't invite him in, and the person was this contractor guy and he was trying to make me pay him to do all this decorating work on my apartment (which was incidentally a mess) because it looked like I didn't really live here. At least it wasn't the dream where huge numbers of people keep coming into my house through doorways I didn't realize existed and partying while I'm trying to seal off all exits and to oust those who keep getting in. That's worse than dealing with Contractor Guy who disparages my nesting skills.

(Incidentally, I probably should do some things to decorate the apartment more, but I'm just not that interested in doing them. I'm not really a nesting sort of person. No, not at all.)

But anyway, even with having that dream prior to waking, I still am in a better mood than yesterday. Today will be similarly busy, but in less pressure-filled ways than yesterday was, which will help. You know, it occurs to me that while I'm good at handling crises (big or small) I'm much less good at handling constant, nagging, low-level pressure. That constant, nagging, low-level pressure is the thing that turns me into a raving bitch and that makes me lose it.

I need to go take some allergy medicine - the one thing that sucks is I woke up with a sinus headache (slept with my window open, so my own damned fault) and I really want it to go away before school today.

Ok, so what's on the agenda for today?

1. Travel $ requests for my summer travels, including begging letter to people not my department chair to try to squeeze a bit more cash out of the university.
2. Grading. Ever more grading.
   
3. Meet with two students.
4. Finish with friend's book so can write overdue review.
5. Wonder why I'm considered an XX Scholar when I'm woefully underread in that area. Beat self up for not having read all those things people assume I've read, but then still don't read any of them.
6. Consider how I'm going to decide who to reject for the MLA panel. There are so many issues involved in this that I want to die. Actually, I'll digress from my list for a moment to talk about why this is so hard because maybe it will help. So I've gotten a good number of submissions for a panel that really at maximum can handle 4 papers. And that's a maximum - it would probably be preferable to have 3. Of those who've submitted, one is an unbelievable mentor to me, one is a guy I cite all over the book manuscript, many are people with whom I'm already acquainted in real life, and a few are people who I've not met and who are not currently involved in the society sponsoring this panel. All but one of the proposals is excellent. Also, add into this equation that I really want to have a nice range of papers in terms of subject area/texts that the papers cover. In part, I imagined this panel and agreed to put it together as a way of opening up the area of study a bit - to bring new voices into the criticism and new blood into the organization. So. This leaves me in my current pickle, because do I pick the new blood people and reject people who are inner circle people? Do I pick my mentor as a way of reciprocating for all of the opportunities she's given me? And then there are also some issues related to gender that I probably can't go into in any kind of detail, but let's just say that if I wanted to I could make this an all male panel, which is BIZARRE given the general makeup of scholars who work on the thing that the panel is about. You know, sometimes I think that I think like a male critic, though like a gay feminist male critic, probably. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Ok, let's get back to the list.
7. Figure out what I'm doing in the class I'm teaching this morning. (I mostly know, but I need to figure out which activity I'm having them do, figure out how to manage to meet with each of them as they do that activity.)
   
8. Make list of things to do for end of week (as week is getting out of control a little bit).
9. Email. Ever more email.
10. Prep for committee meeting and committee meeting.
11. Prep for class tomorrow in which I'm teaching a novel I've never taught before (because I'm dumb and I think it's a good idea to put things on syllabi I've never taught before to "change it up" but at least I am very familiar with the novel and I did reread it already, and I've taught other texts by the author, so it's a matter of organizing ideas more than anything else.)
    
12. At least go for a walk, but maybe go to the gym.

Ok, I'm not putting anything else on this list. But yes, that's what the day is looking like. I just have to remind myself that by the end of the month my life is going to slow down a lot - I'll be done with the manuscript, and I won't need to be so super-productive as I've needed to be this week (as normally I'm really not quite this super-productive) with an eye toward needing to work on the manuscript all weekend.

But now, I need to think about what I'm going to wear today. This is harder than it should be because I feel like all of my shoes are wrong. With the spring-like weather boots seem wrong, but looking at the spring-like shoes I've got, they all seem wrong, too. I may need to take a break from all of the productivity this weekend to do some shoe shopping. Not that I should be blowing money, but whatever.

You know how I mentioned in my post the other day that sometimes I can't help but like crap music? Another example of this just came to my attention: Fergie. I know in my right mind that Fergie is horrible, but in my unright mind, all I can say is, well, her songs really are Fergalicious. It's so wrong. I can't believe I've confessed this here, but if you can't confess such things on your pseudonymous blog, where can you confess them?

Ok, this is more than enough of a post. Now I'm just procrastinating. Time to get the day started.

Can I Be More Frustrated?

I need to get out of this funk of a bitchy mood that I'm in. But since last I posted, the day, if possible, got more frustrating. First, I decided to go to Target, thinking I'd cheer myself up with some shopping. And I filled up a whole basket full of crap, and then I decided that I shouldn't buy any of it because it was all dumb. So I left without buying anything. I then went to PetSmart to buy the Man-Kitty different wet food (and yes, he gets both wet and dry, because I'm a sucker), because apparently he's gone off what I've got in the house. Damned finicky kitty! But at least he'll be happier now. If he loves one thing, it is the flavor of chicken.

But then I realized I needed to get gas. That was annoying. So I came home feeling disgruntled, and I thought, I know, I'll get the Amy Winehouse CD on iTunes. It just came out today. And then I fucking downloaded the clean version by accident. It's been such a bullshit day! What I need is explicit lyrics! Dammit!

The fact of the matter is that today wasn't bad. I taught good classes I think, and I really did get a lot accomplished, and my meeting with my chair was good, and really, what the fuck do I have to complain about? It's just... I'm pissed off about a bunch of different things, all of which taken on their own are no big deal but taken together have made me Crazy with Rage. I don't want to grade (and I should), I don't want to write (and I should), I don't want to ANYTHING.

That said, even the clean version of this CD is pretty awesome. And yes, of course I'm going to end up buying the explicit version, too, because I piss away money.

God. This was such a more fun blog like a day ago. I blame my uterus (and yes, I realize that's TMI, but whatever) and I blame that I let little things get to me too much. You know, I really try to be a positive person. I really do. And I think I for the most part succeed. But some days just blow, for no apparent reason.

It doesn't help that I am so overwhelmed at the moment. And then I get into the whole, "I must flagellate myself for putting myself into the overwhelmed position, because it's all my fault that I am," and that only makes things worse.

And yes, I would have felt better had I taken time to work out today. But napping won out.

So ok. I have to think about what's good. What is good?

The weather's nice. It's not going to stay quite this nice, but it won't be wintery really anymore.

I'm teaching cool stuff in my classes.

My hair is growing, and I'm feeling like it's looking pretty fabulous (except that I also feel like I need to freshen up the highlights. My hair is naturally blonde, but it's naturally a dark blond, and I've gone the way of the highlighting so as to have summer-hair year-round. This is good except for at this time of year, when I actually notice having roots, which I don't really have at other times of year. I hate roots.)

I've looked very cute for school the past couple of days, and that always is a good thing, especially since I was in a winter rut with the dressing, wearing jeans to teach most days prior to break.

I feel like everybody here (who knew about my going on the market) is really happy that I'm not getting a new job.

I'm going to England in July. And I'm getting good money to do so. That's awesome. Which reminds me: I really need to get in touch with my friend who lives in England and whose term ends the weekend of my conference, and who promised to take me to Wales and Scotland while I'm there, which means that I'll get a plane ticket's worth of money in order not only to attend a conference but also to have more of a vacation than I've had, well, ever.

I'm back in touch with my friend K. from grad school, which is something that happened in part because of having gotten the book contract (also a good thing) because she published a book last year with the same press. I'm really happy we're back in touch.

The Man-Kitty is in a much better mood with me back in school. He is currently playing next to me with a shish kabob skewer (which I know is not an appropriate cat toy but my mom is one for dangerous "toys" and he fell in love with it when she gave it to him, and when he plays with it he's like one of those juggler guys with sticks and it's really fun to watch him).

I've gotten back into the work-out and eating reasonably well place, which I know is a good thing and I know makes me feel infinitely better.

I got 50 bucks today for textbooks that I sold to one of those textbook buy-back guys.

I'm not Britney Spears.

I'm in the home stretch of the semester. Sure, that home stretch will last for seven weeks, but whatever. It's still the home stretch.

Dude, I still feel bitchy, even after the counting of the blessings. Maybe my friend A. will make me feel better. She just called.

Up from Nap, Enraged

Note to self: Never check your work email after 5 PM. Or at least don't do so when you know you're all ready very cranky.

Now it's time to forage for dinner. Sigh.

So. Fucking. Tired.

Here's what I did today:

1. Taught two classes. In one class we were reading some poems. They are lucky I didn't quiz them. They are also lucky I gave them some time to work in groups. I, on the other hand, am not lucky, because I think I'm presenting myself to them in this class as Dr. Slutty or something, what with all of what I'm having them read. They keep looking at me funny. It's not at all cool. In the other class, we began a novel, and I spent a lot of time connecting dots for them and asking leading questions and trying to up the sophistication quotient in the room. Only two of the male students really get it, and sometimes I think that I'm not paying enough attention to the other students because those two guys and I are just having our own conversation. There is a third male student who wants to be part of that conversation, but he's just not bright enough - I think that he doesn't really want to have the conversation but rather that he's doting on me in some fashion.
2. Picked up some books that arrived from ILL.
3. Ate lunch.
4. Graded 11 midterms.
5. Had annual performance meeting with chair.
6. Tabulated midterm grades for freshmen.
7. Posted midterm grades for freshmen.
8. Ate one sleeve of peanutbutter sandwich girlscout cookies. (I was desperate.)
9. Met with a student.
10. Made appointments to meet with two other students.

I feel like I might fall asleep while typing this blogpost. Productivity sucks balls. And I'm feeling lonesome and neglected because everybody else is busy being productive, too. And that sucks balls as well. So I'm going to take my potty-mouth and take a wee little nap. In the meantime, I leave you with the following quotation, that really says it all for me right now:

"I have always tried to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is beating at its walls, threatening to undermine it."

Oof. Morning.

Yesterday was tremendously productive. That was good and all. But this morning? Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. And I have got a LONG day ahead of me.

Brilliant Friends, Uninformed Students, a Wee Little Break

Can I just say how lucky I am to know so many fucking totally brilliant people? As I was reading a friend's book (overdue review I'm writing as a favor for her, publication for me, everybody wins, etc.), I was thinking about this, and then I was thinking about the friend's conference paper that I read yesterday, and about the fact that I know all of these people all over the world who are so, so smart. Who gets so lucky to have so many phenomenally interesting and intelligent people in their lives? (And I'm not counting people in the blogosphere - not that you're not all brilliant - I'm only thinking about people I've actually talked to in real life, for the purposes of this little post.) You know, I'd never say this to my students, but really I think that this is the best reason to go to graduate school in English (if there are any good reasons for such an insane decision). It's not that you'll get to spend all of your time reading, writing, and thinking about books independently (which is what people often talk about). It's that you will have access to a bunch of other people who spend all of their time reading, writing, and thinking about books, and you will be so enriched by having those people in your life. And also you'll feel smarter for knowing them and understanding what the fuck they're talking about, which is a side bonus :)

In other news, apparently many of my students have never heard of Flaubert. NEVER HEARD OF HIM. Or they only know his name but have absolutely no sense of why they do. What the fuck are they teaching these kids in school today? Just what? I mean, I don't expect them to have read Flaubert, but these are upper-level students in an English literature class and they've never heard of the guy? They don't know in even the most superficial way the basic plot of Madame Bovary? They don't know why he's CRUCIAL to the development of the novel? Maybe I am meant to stay at this institution because without me THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE HEARD OF FLAUBERT. Might I just mention that I don't teach French, nor do I teach continental literature, nor do I teach 19th century literature?

Ok, I need to get back to my reading. But I just thought that these two items - so stark in their contrast - needed posting. Because again, apparently I blog like a machine when I'm busier than all hell.

Oh, and one last thought: people often ask about the value of blogging. I thought of this this morning after the RBoC post as I was showering: I've always said I'm a person who doesn't "write first" and who doesn't write every day. With the blog, that's just not true. I do write every single day, or most every single day, and often writing is the very first thing I do with my day. No, it's not research-related writing, but it gets my writing mojo working and it keeps it in tip-top shape. And maybe this, too, is why I post more when I'm in the crazy work place, because ultimately the posting is a way to get the juices flowing or to keep them flowing when normally I'd just quit and have a glass of wine (which of course I'm thinking about doing).

Oh, and I know you're all probably wondering where my infatuation got to. (I've had more hits since that little blip on the Crazy radar than I've ever had before. Crazy.) Anyway, it still lurks in the shadows, but the One with Whom I Am Infatuated is working like a maniac as well as "contemplating" the "craziness" of last week - "pun most emphatically intended." This works out very nicely for me, as I feel as if somebody should be thinking about the Infatuation at all times, and I don't really have time for the contemplation what with school back in session. See? It's all about compromise. (I hope he doesn't hate me for posting about this, but I felt like if I remained silent you all would think I was keeping back crucial and interesting details, and then you, my readers, would be disappointed, and we can't have that, can we?)

Love my lovely infatuation. Also love the lovely getting things done, as it makes me feel like a very productive and important person. Now back to work!

CRAZY Day

It is just about noon. So far today I have:

• Printed out the penultimate draft of the manuscript.
• Written one quiz.
• Taught one class.
• Put together a conference appointment sign-up sheet.
• Emailed all of my mentors about the job search conclusion (had been procrastinating about that).
• Emailed my editor.
• Printed out and reviewed all submissions for the MLA Panel. I think a few more may still trickle in. After looking at them systematically, I'm feeling very stressed out because I know I'm going to have to reject people who really have great ideas. The good news is that I won't need really to speak if I don't want to - so much good stuff in response to the topic. Weirdly, though, a couple of people actually cite me in their abstracts. I'm both flattered and a little embarassed.
• Graded 2/3 of quizzes from one class.
• Emailed a university office about scheduling something - or, rather, rescheduling it. (I'd been putting this off, too).
• Made a vet appointment for the Man-Kitty (should have happened in December).
• Emailed upper-level class to remind them that they have a discussion-board post due.
  

Why do I note all of this here? Because I am STRESSED OUT and also it's easier to be motivated when I get to take credit for accomplishing things on the blog. And also, any undergraduates who might be reading this? DO NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! YOU WILL BE VERY BUSY AND STRESSED OUT! IT WILL NOT BE FUN!

Ok, you can go back to whatever you were doing now. :)

UPDATE, 4:31 PM
Don't worry, everyone, I'm not back to report that I found a cure for cancer, found a plan for peace in the middle east, and started a school for children in Guam. I know my last post really was filled with the productivity, but if you want to know how that kind of productivity can be sustained, you must look at what I've done since then:

1. Emailed with friends.
2. Ate lunch.
3. Did some reading prep for tomorrow.
4. Made the poor decision to conduct #3 from the Bed of Crazy, which meant falling into a bit of a deep slumber for approximately 1 1/2 hours.
5. Went for a long walk (3 miles) in my very hilly neighborhood. Sun out during walk, now cloudy.

In other words, I've only barely complished two items of many remaining on the To-Do List of Pain. Ah well, it's ok. I'll try to get a few more things checked off, and then I'll just move what I can't do onto tomorrow's list. Like I always say, as long as I get at least 60% of the list done, I've done ok. (Why I am happy with what amounts to D- productivity, I'm not sure, but you know, maybe by aiming low I actually get more done and don't feel as stressed out?)

RBoC: Monday Morning Edition

• Woohoo! 6 AM!
  
• You know, that new Gwen Stefani song is really infectious, even as much as I think it pretty much sucks. I often feel that way about the music of GS. Like that whole "Holla Back Girl" song. Crap, but then I kind of loved it anyway. I hate it when I can't help but enjoy crap.
• There are 13 things on my to-do list for today. There would have been 15, but I did two of them last night when I panicked about how long the to-do list is.
• The high here today is to be 64 degrees. I may actually bare my legs to the world for the first time since October. I wonder where my black flats are...
  
• So, my plan is that I'm going to go into the office at 8AM, work for a couple of hours there (need to write a quiz that I had forgotten I was giving today until a student emailed me to say he scheduled an advising appointment during class - note to students and to academic advisors for hire: this is totally unacceptable - and so could he make it up, which I'm sorry to say, no I'm not letting him do, as it says on the syllabus quizzes can't be made up and the thing's only worth very little to the final grade in the course) and then after my class I'm just going to head straight to my car rather than swinging by my office, as swinging by my office is often the thing that sucks away my entire day.
• I think I may need to go someplace not my house to work this afternoon. I should probably plan this. Must know what I'm planning to work on at someplace not my house in order for such a plan to be effective.
• You know what makes me really happy? Next week I have a conference week scheduled in lieu of classes in one of my classes, which means that I get a kind of mini-break after break. I am very wise in my syllabus-design. Sure, this means meeting with each student individually, so in many ways it's no break at all, but I'm going to be delusional and act like it is at least for now.
  
• I also need to take my car in because the check engine light came on. (I don't actually think anything's wrong with the car - the light came on first because the people at the oil-change place forgot to reset it. They did the same thing last time, and I busted out the manual and reset it myself. Rather than doing that this time though, because it was like 12 degrees and I couldn't face being in the car to figure it out in the cold, I didn't do that, and then the light stopped being the flashing light that I could turn off myself and turned into the solid light of pain. Must deal with this, as maybe my car is actually broken and I don't know it.)
• Mmmmm..... coffee really is delicious. What did people do before coffee?
• I think I might be in love with Amy Winehouse.
  
• In other music news, if you've not listened to the new Lucinda Williams CD, you certainly should. Also, I've been obsessed with Old 97s' Fight Songs for like the past 3 days. You know, I go through these phases where I need to listen to complete albums. The shuffle is great, but sometimes I actually like listening to an album, beginning to end. It's kind of like Joyce's Dubliners. Sure, you can teach "Araby" or "The Dead" or whatever on their own, but it's no substitute for the feeling you get when you read the whole collection, start to finish.
  
• Why this post is so dominated by music stuff, I'm just not really sure, but apparently I've got a lot of music things on my mind. This may have something to do with the fact that a) I've been in writing mode, and I write with music and b) I've gotten back into the swing of working out, which also occurs with a soundtrack. Anyway.
• "New Degree works with your body so you smell great when you need to the most." You know, I like smelling great all the time, if possible. This is not effective advertising for me.
• Ooh! speaking of smelling great, I think I might wear my summer perfume today. It just smells so good, but it just seems wrong to wear it when it's cold. (Which is why I also have a winter perfume, which is equally as delicious smelling although in a totally different way.) And while I realize it's still technically winter, what with the spring-like forecast, and the fact that we are back to Daylight Saving Time, yes, I think that this is a plan.
  
• Ok, having caffeinated sufficiently and written myself into awakeness, I think that it's time to shower.
  
• Oh, but one last thing: Do you notice that I've posted more since I said I'd be too busy to post than I would post under normal circumstances? I notice this.
• But wait, I'm not done yet. I notice that I never label my posts. I think I don't like labels. this is sad, since I was so excited about the possibility of them when I switched over from the old blogger. I just don't have the presence of mind to remember to label everything as I post it. I suppose I could go back retroactively and label things, but that seems like a big waste of time, as I don't think any of you are really using the labels to assist in your navigation of the blog. Or maybe I just need to come up with better labels to fit things? I don't know, I'll ponder this in the shower.
  

Compliments of The Onion

My horoscope for the week of March 7:

Leo July 23 - August 22

The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

An Embarassment of Riches

So I'm putting together this panel for MLA 2007, and for the first time in my (admittedly brief) history of putting panels together, I've got an amazing selection from which to choose. Smart, smart proposals, and I think that whatever I pick is going to make for a really cool panel.

This has me thinking about the whole "editing a collection" possibility again, though I realize that I probably shouldn't think about that as, really, aren't I doing enough right now? Am trying to chant the following mantra to myself in hopes of not taking on such a huge project: "You do not teach at a research university. You have a 4/4 load. You already do too much. You need to have things in your life besides work."

The problem is, I think this would end up being a VERY cool collection and I think that it would make an important (at least in a minor way) contribution to my field.

In other news, I'm hungry, and dinner's almost ready (made a big pot of chili so I can get back on the "packing my lunch for school" program), so I won't be hungry for much longer. I'm going to have one crazy week this week - a week diametrically opposed to the craziness of last week.

This week will include:

1. Important Committee Meeting.
2. Receiving a stack of midterms, half of which I must grade immediately in order to submit midterm grades for freshmen.
3. Receiving a stack of 4-6 pg papers from another class.
4. Teaching a novel I've not taught in a couple of years.
5. Annual performance review meeting with chair (awesomely, I've already achieved one of my goals that I had listed for 2007. I'm beginning to think that writing things down really can actually make things happen sometimes.)
6. Telling pseudo-supervisor that I'm ditching the quasi-admin thing.
   
7. Stuff related to the Book.
8. Write a review that was due last week (fuck!)

In other words, I may not have time to breathe, let alone to blog. But then, I often blog most when I don't have time to breathe. How to explain it?

Ok, dinner is served. Must go feed self before starve to death.

Tell Me It's OK....

To ignore the fact that it is a gorgeous spring-y day outside and instead to lie around reading. I actually feel guilty for not getting out and enjoying the weather. Ridiculous.

In other news, Wide Sargasso Sea is a really gorgeous book. And Sidonia, you and I really are kindred spirits, for I've been reading it all day long. Great minds think alike!

Sorry for the long navel-gazing post of last night. Reading it over, it kind of makes me cringe. If I didn't have a policy about not taking down posts, I'd take it down. God, dark nights of the soul are LAME.

Ok, now to get back to my book and my sun-dappled bed. Nothing nicer than lying around in a sunshine-soaked bed. Ah, bliss.

Holding Patterns

For about the past nine months, I've been in a kind of holding pattern. With deciding to go on the market, I also decided (somewhat consciously, somewhat not) to put important parts of my life on hold. To say that it didn't make sense to deal with them, as I might not have this life at the end of the process. Well, that process has reached it's conclusion, and it looks like I've been catapaulted out of the holding pattern. This is my life, at least for another year (and perhaps for longer, for who knows whether I'll try the market again).

I'm not feeling terribly negative about the experience of going on the market. Sure, it's disappointing (my least favorite emotion) not to be picked, but ultimately, I really do believe that such things happen for a reason, and so, well, if I'm here, then this is where I should be. At least for now. And there are some positive things to recount as well. I really was made to feel like my scholarship was valuable throughout this process, and like I'm not just some fraud at some low-rent university. That was important. And then there's the great thing of getting the book contract during this process, which further confirmed my viability in this profession while at the same time it made me realize that I really have been able to do all of what I strive to do in my current job. A lot of people go looking on the market from jobs like mine because they can't do what they want to do in those jobs. Apparently, I can do whatever I want to do in exactly this kind of job. That's good to know. So I come out of this job search year feeling more proud than anything, even if the end result was rejection.

But so how to move forward? It's difficult to know. On the one hand, my life right now is all possibility. On the other hand, it's complicated. My life is all possibility and yet there are clear and rigid limitations on that possibility.

Another complication is this online life that I conduct, which is separate from my "real life" and yet also is a very real thing in my "real life" life. I'm not sure how to reconcile the life that I have as Dr. Crazy with the life that I have as "me." The recent infatuation forced me finally to confess my blog to my BFF here (I'd not done so before because she just didn't get the academic blogging thing, and I figured that it didn't make sense to reveal this thing that was about something that she wasn't interested in, though now she knows about the blog and is reading it, so hello BFF!), which I suspect is a huge step in reconciling this gap between the real and the virtual.

That said, there are real ways in which the virtual identity that is Dr. Crazy is problematic. I get to know people as "Dr. Crazy" and then, when it crosses over into the "real person" behind the curtain (much in the way of the Great Oz), there is... static. Not necessarily static that can't be overcome, but it's a strange thing, when people get to know one as this constructed identity, and then, through whatever circumstances, they come to know the puppetmaster behind Dr. Crazy. I think that part of the problem is that I think they "know" me, when what they know is what I've chosen to present here, which is (obviously) a different thing. Also that I assume they've been cataloguing every minute detail of what I reveal here, which just isn't the case. I also think part of the problem is that they think they "know" ME, when who they know is Dr. Crazy, and then as it goes deeper that they learn I'm something other than what they thought I was.

You know, this isn't only an issue with the blog, though. I've had this issue in a lot of circumstances - where people THINK I'm one way and then realize I'm another.

Example 1: In high school, I had a teacher whose first impression of me was that I was a stupid girl with a bad attitude. (She didn't say this in exactly this way, but that's the gist.) There was something about the expression on my face, when she first met me, that made her think I would be difficult. But then, when I spoke, as she recounted to me later, "I realized that you were just thinking." (This is not unlike the experience I've had with various boyfriends who've thought I was upset about something when I was just focusing on something. Apparently "focus" reads on my face as "bitch.")

Example 2: I went out with a guy in grad school who, when we broke up, said, "You know, when all of this started with us, I thought you just wanted to have a good time. That you were just looking for a good time. But you're not this party girl. You're actually really serious."

I realize these examples are contradictory, but my point is, I think that I have a problem with self-presentation. In that, I'm very good at presenting myself in very particular ways, but when the Crazy Behind the Curtain is revealed, it turns out I'm not as I appear. There is this radical disjunction between what I seem and what I am. This is only exacerbated by the conscious creation of an online identity, I'm thinking.

But so what does all of this identity shit have to do with holding patterns? Well, I think it has to do with the fact that the one identity I've always been sure of is my identity in school. As a student, as a professor, whatever. That is very solid for me, and it's something that I can control. It's the personal stuff that always gets put on hold, and one reason for that is that I can negotiate my "school" identity much more easily than I can negotiate the Crazy behind the Curtain identity. I know who I am with work. I wonder whether I do in other areas.

Even as I say that, though, I realize it's disingenuous. I think I'm completely coherent in all areas, really. It's just I keep getting evidence that what I think is wrong. At some point I'm going to have to deal with that, right? The fact that what I think is, ultimately, wrong.

But so instead of dealing with that, I put those parts of my life that apparently aren't coherent on hold rather than dealing with them. Rather than dealing with the disjunctions between what I appear to be and what I am (if there is such a thing as "real" being, blah blah blah), I ignore the disjunctions, and instead I focus on work. Which makes me really good at getting work shit done, but it really fucks up the rest of my life, right? And it means that I'm sitting here late on a Saturday night writing this philosophical blog post rather than having the life I actually want to have.

The fact of the matter is that I'm not really Crazy. I think I like to construct myself as such, but that ultimately my desires are, well, mundane. I think that ultimately I'm serious and pragmatic and practical and methodical. This is why the school stuff works so well. But it's also the thing I refuse to admit in other areas of my life, which means that I end up in a whirlwind of insanity that ultimately I can't sustain. And so, what I do is one of two things: I retreat - retreat into work - and put all other areas on hold, or I jump in head first into things that will ultimately break my heart but which allow me to preserve the fiction that I'm "Crazy" and not the actual pretty mundane person who I am. Which then ultimately leads back to work, because when I ultimately fail to sustain the Crazy, the work is always there waiting to serve as a convenient substitute for whatever else is missing.

So yeah. I've been in a holding pattern. And now, I'm out of it. And I know I've got to do something not to end up back in one again. The question is, what?

Rainy, Gloomy Saturday Becomes Partly Sunny Saturday Afternoon

I just got back from a walk in my neighborhood. The sun was out. The birds were chirping. A bunch of teen-aged boys screamed out of a car window at me. All of this made me unaccountably happy.

Prior to that I finished reading a novel I'll be teaching soon, and I did some manuscript-related work.

It's turning out to be a really great day.

Spring has sprung. And I'm actually really kind of looking forward to getting back to the routine of teaching after this week of totally unscheduled time. Such time is sometimes necessary, but it always ends up being really not so good for me.

Gloomy, Rainy Saturday

So I did end up getting to sleep last night, and it ended up being a night of good sleep uninterrupted by bad dreams. Van Morrison's Astral Weeks has the power to chase away all kinds of imaginary demons.

Today it's very gloomy out. I have no motivation, and so have taken to my bed, and I'm reading. I'm vaguely hungry and a little bit cold.

I don't know. Maybe I should go out for lunch rather than making something here? It might be good to get out of the house. Or I could make something here, and that might be delicious.... Yeah, I don't think that I want to go out in the rain.

I apologize for being boring. It's because I'm using all of my energy for procrastination, which really does take a lot out of a person.

Fraidy-Cat Crazy

I know it's time to go to sleep. I know, in my rational mind that I do not live in California and thus the Zodiac Serial Killer will not show up at my house. Also that probably the Zodiac Serial Killer is dead. That said, there could be some new Serial Killer in my location (perhaps inspired by the movie?) who could show up here, in theory. I know this is dumb. Tragically, I'm not sure what to do with myself if I don't go to sleep. (Oh, and I should mention, I'm tired.)

My Object of Infatuation is Exhausted and Not Fifteen Years Old, and thus he's no use in this problem. Even though I'm coercing him into emailing with me even though he would rather be watching Twin Peaks episodes. And I could watch another movie (watched Bridget Jones' Diary earlier) but that doesn't sound appealing. And I could read me some Potter, but I don't think I can handle Voldemort right now (Serial Killer extraordinaire). What is a Crazy to do? I've already done some reading of blogs, and I'm ... again, bored AND scared. This is the suckiest combination of things in the world.

Ooh! Another email from my Exhausted and Not 15 Object of Infatuation!

Went to See Zodiac and Both Bored AND Slightly Freaked Out

The movie is long. But random murders of people who are alone by a psychopath can freak you out even if you're bored, if you live alone, etc. I think I need to go watch something else in order to cleanse my imagination's palate. And maybe have a glass of wine. Yeah, I don't know. Not going to think about psychopathic serial killers anymore. Should know better than to think I can handle movies about them.

Meow! Hello! It's Been So Long!

Well, not really. I know my Mama posted that picture of me the other day when she maligned my good name and reputation when all I was trying to do was to assist her in her life and work by awakening her with the birdies. That said, I've been feeling a bit blue. All of the attention that she used to lavish on me, she gives it all to some strange man who calls on the phone. All of the petting, the cuddling - I miss it. But so now she has tried to make it up to me by going into the bed (where I was fast asleep) and to read beside me. But I do not forgive so easily! Oh no. I do not. And so I leapt from the bed, and I stole away to this computing machine that she seems so fond of these days. It's time for the Man-Kitty to take over. It's time for him to get some of the spotlight - not just this Infatuation Person. And so I give you, well, me! Enjoy!

Where the Fuck Did My Spring Break Go?

Do you people realize it's FRIDAY? I need more time! Don't want to go back! Sure, I've had the minor diversion of an all-consuming infatuation, but other than that? All I've been doing is work (which probably contradicts the "all-consuming" in the previous sentence, but whatever - I feel consumed, though in a good way).

Work, work, and more fucking work. I've had no break! I've not had any time to relax! And you know, as much as infatuations are lovely, they're not relaxing! (It's all the having to create the other person out of a combination of projection and hanging on every word they write or utter, always in relation to one's own narcissistic self - very time-consuming and energy-sapping, that is. Fun, at moments even more than fun, but not relaxing.)

So today I do need to do work, which may or may not include writing. I'm thinking that maybe the reading of novels is a better choice if I'm trying to relax than writing. And then I'll go to the gym (which isn't exactly relaxing, but it does reduce stress, which has to be a good thing). And then maybe I'll have an email to moon over from the person to whom I still have not assigned a pseudonym (though I have been considering it a bit, and I do think I know what I might choose should I bestow this honor upon him, though we all know that the moment that I do he will disappear into the ether, sort of like how if one goes on the pill in a whole "let's take this to the next level" thing for a guy that one immediately stops having sex, which is the real secret of birth control pills and their level of effectiveness, I sometimes think....). And then tonight I'll go to dinner and the movies. Planning on seeing Zodiac, which I both want to do and also which I'm a little concerned about, as I think it might make me scared, and I really don't like a movie that scares me because then I am too freaked out to go to sleep or when I do go to sleep I have bad dreams, and yes, well, I'm going against my better judgment in seeing it, though usually for movies that freak me out it is better for me to see them in a theater because at least I'm with other people and not sitting by myself watching the dvd of something that's freaking me out.

But so yes. I think that's the end of this post, a post designed mainly to get the kind of pathetic call for close reading off the top of the blog. I mean, yesterday it was funny, but today it's time for it not to be this blog's focal point. Also, in other Person without a Pseudonym news, apparently he directed friends of his to my blog so that they might analyze me and/or the situation from a perspective that is not the perspective of the P w/o a P. I've been trying not to think about this since yesterday, though I suppose it's what I get for keeping this blog and getting myself into this particular situation. Be that as it may, I'm still trying not to think about this.

Ok, I truly need to go and accomplish something or I'll be very angry with myself.

Anybody In the Mood For a Little Close Reading?

Listen to this song.


http://www.speedofdark-web.com/speedofdark/2007/February/08-dont-f__k-with-love.mp3

Now, imagine that a certain person with whom you are infatuated sent it to you, with the instructions that you shouldn't over-analyze it.

Discuss.

Infatuations of Years Gone By

Once upon a time, when Dr. Crazy really was 15 years old, she met her First Love. Her First Love was really darling in many ways, except for when there was that whole interlude in college when he cheated on her, but at any rate, Dr. Crazy and FL were not meant to be. That said, Dr. Crazy forced FL to stay friends with her, for he knew all of her things and he got all of the things about her childhood and things, and so since he was powerless to resist her (although he tried), they remain friends to this very day.

And so FL called her this evening, and knowing how Crazy loves the baseball, FL invited her to come to Chicago with him to see a game at Wrigley Field in a box seat this summer. How great is FL?

Of course, Dr. Crazy is no longer infatuated with FL. A lot has happened since 1990. And FL has a pseudo-girlfriend now, and Dr. Crazy knows that they will never be together because she knows that she wants things that FL will never have to give her. Still, talking to him tonight brought home to her ever more clearly the... amazingness (and yes, she knows that isn't a real word) of any infatuation. The thing about infatuation is that it is born of people being in sympathy with one another. It's not about having a crush, and it's not about being in love or anything like that - it's about an inexplicable "getting" of another person, even if that "getting" can only happen for a short while. It's something special, in itself, in whatever form it takes. And it has the potential to last, even if only as friendship and not as anything other than that, precisely because of that specialness.

All of that said, I admonished FL on the phone tonight that he'd have to consult with his pseudo-girlfriend about her feelings on this prospective trip before I'd agree to it. Jesus, he's just so dumb about girls. What girl in her right mind wouldn't have a care in the world about Dr. Crazy having 3 or 4 days in Chicago with her boyfriend? Especially if she knows all about Dr. Crazy and knows that Dr. Crazy is probably one of only two girls he's loved in his whole entire life? Again, he is so, so dumb.

The Writing Is Enough to Drive a Person to Drink

Today's been very productive. I did end up going back to sleep after the Man-Kitty's wake-up call, but I made really good progress on the intro chapter, and I even went and worked out. (Note to other people who've fallen off the fitness bandwagon: all is not lost if you haven't worked out in two months - apparently, you don't immediately become out of shape and unable to exercise, as I had feared may be my situation when I entered the gym today.) So after the gym I came home and worked on the manuscript some more, and while I still have much on the List of Things to Accomplish this morning, I'm thinking that a trip to the wine store for some delicious wine might be in order. The problem is, this is probably a bad decision, as how productive am I really going to be if I'm trying to be productive while drinking wine? But on the other hand, sometimes a glass of wine is a nice reward for a hard day's work. On the other hand, I kind of feel like I want to take a nap. What would be fabulous would be to take a nap, drink some wine, and blow off all my work. It occurs to me however that my spring break is half over and that this is not a solid plan of action. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Damn You, Sweet Kitty-Cat!

Remember how I was going to wake up around 7 or 8 this morning? Well, it looks like a certain somekitty had other plans for me. Of course, now that I am awake, as he thinks I should be, all is right in the world. Oh yes, now it's time to relax and get that sleepy face that means it's time for a nap.Well. I hope he's happy. And it's certainly a good thing that I went to bed at a reasonable time last night. So I'll commence my waking-up now (a curse on you, Man-Kitty!) and then, I shall begin the day. Will check in with periodic updates.

________

Update, 12:50 PM:
Things accomplished:

1. All necessary emails. (Still some not terribly necessary ones to do, but they can wait until tomorrow if necessary.)
2. One major pass through the Introductory Chapter of Crap. Incidentally, progress is being made.
3. A list/schedule of things to accomplish today, which tired me out so much I had to go back to sleep for three hours.
4. Lunch.

The plan now is to drag my ass to the gym, and then I shall return to my Lair of Productivity to continue on with the list of things to accomplish. The only thing that sucks about going to the gym is it means I'll have to change out of my Writing Outfit. Well, that and actually having to work out once there, except I know it will make me feel better once I've finished. Another update will come later. I know you all don't really care, but it does make me feel better to report when I'm on such a marathon working jag.

A Post from a More Sensible Crazy

So ok, I've been indulging in a bit of an infatuation, and while the object of my affections has been incredibly... incredible... it turns out that neither of us is 15 years old, we're both exhausted, and we're both (sadly) sensible enough to know that we need to do things like, oh, I don't know, write our books, do our jobs, sleep. This is not to say that the infatuation is over (though who knows - such things can disappear as quickly as they appear - which of course is why I've not assigned a pseudonym to the object of my affections, as he may not be around long enough to warrant one) but it is to say that there is no way for adults to conduct infatuations at such a fever pitch. In fact, that's why most people who indulge in the infatuations are teenagers - they have more time and more energy for such pursuits.

(That said, I'm actually kind of sad I'm not talking to the object of my affections right now. But that's just silly, as we really have talked quite recently, and I truly have absolutely nothing of any interest to talk to him about. All I could possibly have to report is fragments of bizarre and hilarious conversations that I've had with my friends on what else but the telephone - for I really have regressed to my teenaged self - and I'm not sure that anybody who wasn't actually participating in those conversations would actually find them so hilariously funny. You know, that reminds me - when I was an actual teenager I was in trouble with my mother CONSTANTLY for laughing too loudly while talking to my friends on the phone. It's probably a good thing I don't live with her anymore. But I ramble. The point here is that I really like the object of my affections and I like talking to him and so it distresses me that I can't just have what I want all the time.)

But so anyway, enough with the boy-crazy infatuation. Tonight I will go to bed like a responsible person, and then tomorrow, here's the plan:

1) I will wake up at 7-ish (or maybe 8AM).
2) I will make coffee and have my first cup while blog-reading.
3) I will don my Dissertation Tiara, hideous bathrobe, and my running-shoes.
4) I will work on the manuscript for at least two hours.
5) I will take a break that includes getting laundry going.
6) I will work on the review that I really must have completed by the end of this week.
7) I will catch up on some emailing that I have to do and that I've been ignoring.

See? I've not really lost my mind. I just had a wee little vacation from it. I am still the Beacon of Productivity in a world in which people Procrastinate.

(That said, I really am feeling all fluttery and teen-age-y. Perhaps I should listen to The Cure and write in my journal before bed? And maybe put some quotes in it that are totally rad and insightful in the front. Yep, I may rock the red journal old school. That sounds like TREMENDOUS fun :) )

Time for a Break

Ok, so it probably shouldn't be time for a break. All I've accomplished so far today is the following:

1. Went back to sleep.
2. Talked on the phone.
3. Glanced at my introductory chapter, felt demoralized.
4. Mooned around like a 15 year old.
5. Glanced at the chapter again, felt similarly demoralized, but have an idea of how I can fix it.

So now, I'm blogging. I'm thinking that I may need to go into the office, although I really was trying to avoid doing that until I was notified that I got some books I'd ordered through ILL. That said, there are a couple of books in my office that I need, and I need to give my chair some paperwork stuff, and well, it just might be good for me to go in. Except I don't want to. But going in would be better than mooning around here not really able to work because I don't have everything I need, right? Right.

So yes, I'm getting kind of a late start today, but all is not lost. I am both happy that the insane phone-talking won't continue past this week when my spring break is done and a little sad about it. I'd much rather be 15 on spring break than 32 and with responsibilities. 32 and with responsibilities is really not very much fun at all.

Incidentally, the Man-Kitty is NOT happy about my recent antics. He keeps looking at me derisively and then meowing for more attention. I'm a bad kitty-mama.

Is This Procrastination?

I should, my readers, be hard at work, on this second day of my week of work. It is 9 AM. I have a book manuscript to finish. Book manuscripts are very important indeed.

But see, this week, I've somehow fallen into an epistolary and telephonic... something... that I don't quite know how to handle. And no, it's not some weird phone sex or internet sex thing, as that's what my friends asked me when I told them about the first conversation, so don't get that idea. No, it's like being 15 and staying on the phone until you're so sleepy that you're actually wired, and like there isn't enough time to say all of the things that one might possibly say, and... oh hell, I can't write more about it than that because it makes me feel very stupid and also slightly embarassed as the person with whom I've become involved in the something is going to read this and then he's going to laugh at me (in a very darling way, but still). And I thought about not writing this post, as the fact that I know this person will read this post makes me feel a little self-conscious, but dammit, I'm not letting some strange man dictate the contents of my blog. That would just be letting the terrorists win, right?

Ok, this post might not make sense, but remember: I was on the phone until 4:30 in the morning. I don't even know how to explain why I'm awake, as really I need about 4 more hours of sleep.

You know, I think this might be the fault of the red journal, that something actually is going on in my life besides work. (Of course, it's an imaginary something at this point, but whatever - it's still something and something I can't quite pin down which makes me very uncomfortable indeed.)

Ok, I'm sick of this cryptic post. I have to go lie in my bed and moon and brood for a bit, as apparently I've regressed 15 or so years over the past 3 days.

Waking Up, Warming Up

Well, the coffee is becoming coffee in the coffee-maker, and my eyes just popped open after what was an ok night's sleep (only ok because the Man-Kitty was a bit restless around 3 AM, and then around 5 AM, and of course, now he's happily asleep in my bed. Would that we all could have the M-K's schedule.

But so anyway, I'm about to embark on the real work of my spring break today. The plan is, loosely, the following.

• Drink one cup of coffee while reading blogs and continuing the waking-up process.
• Continue drinking coffee and type in all revisions and edits I've made over the past week. As I'm doing that, keep a running list if there are other things that I'd like to revisit when I look at the manuscript for the last time before I send the thing off.
• Take a break for lunch.
• Work on introduction chapter, which is really hideous at this point.
• Go to the gym.

From that point, things get a bit fuzzy. But if I accomplish all of the above, it will have been an adequately successful day. If I can do more, then it will be a superbly successful day. We shall see.

___

Update:
It's 9:40 AM, and I've typed in about half of the changes that I need to type in. Doing this makes me want to crawl into my bed and take another day off. It's not that it's so bad exactly.... it's just that this sort of work is tedious and it also shows you how much you still have left to do. I hate that. But so I need to get through the second half of things. I think I might take a shower before starting - maybe this will give me some energy?

Also, I have a post brewing about being self-motivated and my writing process and everything else but the kitchen sink. I'm not allowed to write this post until I get my revisions typed in completely. I may not be allowed to do it until I've settled in with the introduction and made some strong progress. We'll see.

It's really sunny today, albeit not terribly warm. I may go for a walk outside in the sunshine rather than going to the gym. I think that might do me good.

Ok, back to work.

___________

Update:
10:57 AM and I've completed typing in changes. So now it's on to the real and grueling work of actual writing, though I think I will take a bit of a break before embarking on that work - have some lunch, relax a bit, and then go for a walk. My aim is to settle in to work at around 2 PM, and to work solidly until 6 PM. At which point I will break for dinner, and then make a plan for either doing more work this evening or for relaxing, depending on where I end up. But now, time to eat something. I'm STARVING.

Ways to Avoid Work on a Sunday

1. On Saturday at around 6 PM, decide to have a companionable glass of wine with one's friend, A.
2. Talk to A. on the phone, whilst you both drink wine, for hours.
3. Write a blog post, which then inspires a conversation with another wine-drinking person.
4. Stay on the phone until like 6 AM. (Note to self: I am not 15 years old and I canot stay on the phone all night long anymore without serious consequences.)
5. Wake up around noon, realizing slept through two phone calls from my mother.
6. Call mother, to be lectured about staying up all night talking to boys on the phone. Also must listen to suspicious tone that indicates she thinks I'm lying about talking on the phone all night long.
7. Intermittently drink red pop, snack on cheese corn, and nap. Watch the end of Match Point. Watch in its entirety, for the second time, the movie Something New. No, I'm not kidding about that Something New movie. I also am not proud.
8. Drag self over to friend's house to feed her cat. Look for cat, though cat appears to have perfected the art of hiding. Hope cat is not in some sort of distress.
9. Realize that it's almost 5 PM. Consider eating lasagna. Write blog post.
10. Figure that, really, today is a wash, so should just do my best not to screw up tomorrow.

So Clearly Dr. Crazy Is Going through a Thing

First, let me preface this post with the caveat that I've had some wine. I had a telephonic evening in with my friend A., and so I may be a teensy bit drunk.

But on to the title of the post. As I noted above, I think I'm going through some sort of thing - a thing that is not entirely bad, but a thing nonetheless.

I was alerted to the fact that I'm going through a thing as I began preparing dinner tonight. Or actually, before that, as I examined the contents of my bags from the grocery store. See, last week I made meatloaf. I also, in recent weeks, purchased and was terribly happy as I ate some Spaghettios with Meatballs. And today, I made a lasagna. I also bought Faygo Redpop and cheese popcorn. You don't see a theme here? Well, let me break it down for you.

Everything I'm cooking is stuff I cook when I'm in love. Lasagna has been a love-dish since the days of my First Love in high school - indeed, lasagna was the first thing that I ever cooked for a Boy. And meatloaf, while it may not seem supremely romantic, is something that I only cook for love objects, in part because one person just can't (or rather shouldn't) eat a whole meatloaf. The counterpoint to the love-dishes has been foods that I loved when I was 5 years old (i.e., the Spaghettios and the cheesecorn and redpop). So I'm thinking that maybe I'm in love with myself? And that I've regressed to the 5-year old me? (And incidentally, I do think that I was in love with myself when I was five years old).

What to make of this culinary turn? Well, in part I think it has to do with the fact that I'm trying to comfort myself with food. I'm more freaked out than I'd like to admit about the book thing. But I don't think that this is all about anxiety. Because I'm also feeling pretty happy. In part I think this is about not needing to do this stuff FOR somebody else but being able to do it for myself. I think I've written here before about the fact that I tend to like to cook for myself best - that I'm not really one who cooks for others with joy. That said, I do have certain dishes that have conventionally been reserved for others, and there's something really satisfying about allowing myself to make them just for me (although it means that I will be the size of the empire state building if I don't get things under control soon). But the point, if there is one, is that I've entered into some kind of a new phase. I'm not sure what it means.

Another marker of this new phase is that today I bought a new journal. I'm not actually "done" with the last, so this is kind of a weird thing. But I went to Borders today (where I purchased Lily Allen's CD - which I love - along with the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book - awesome - and Lucinda Williams' new CD - which I've not listened to yet, as clearly I'm too happy for Lucinda. And as I was about to head to the checkout, I saw a remainder rack with journals. And, as I do love a journal, I took a look. Most of the lined journals on the rack were black (my current journal is black) and I wasn't going to buy one. There were also some blue ones, and I wasn't inspired. The journals that were lined (the only kind I will buy) were interspersed with sketch books. Also, there were some small soft-covered ones that had one page lined/one page blank that I wasn't into. No, I wanted one of the big ones - like the black and blue ones - that were lined and 8x10. But I didn't want black or blue. I found the ONE red one. I bought it. Even though I'm not done with my current journal. Or, rather, I guess I am done with it, even if it's not full.

So I've got a red journal, a fantastic lasagna (as I really do make fantastic lasagna), and I read the fourth Traveling Pants book. I also finished the preliminary revisions of all chapters that don't need major revisions in the book (though I've yet to type the changes in). And I'm feeling pretty... I don't know. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm not in some sort of a holding pattern of a life but rather that I've got something to look forward to in my life, though I've no idea what that is. And I'm excited to write in the Red Journal, even though I've no idea what I have to write in there.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I'm in some weird kind of thing - or going though a weird thing - and I don't know what it is, but I think it's good. I think that good things are ahead for me - and that something is just over the horizon that's going to be awesome. I've got absolutely no logical reason to have this feeling. And I have no idea why I feel this way, as nothing really has changed in my life to make me think that there's anything out there that will surprise me and be awesome. Huh. I don't know.

Maybe I am drunk, and tomorrow I won't feel this. Except for I felt it from the moment I bought the Red Journal and from the moment that I tasted the first bite of the lasagna that I made. I wonder what this is all about.