There is a reason why I've lived in this stupid apartment for seven years. It is because moving is really, really motherfucking stressful. Add to that the stress of buying a house, and I don't even know how to talk about how tightly I'm wound at this current moment.
Over the past three days, I have walked through the main home inspection (news will come today on the pest inspection and radon), gotten a variety of insurance quotes, called up a couple of banks about the financing, and, just now, started the process of getting quotes for movers. Oh, and I found out the most recent tax bills on the house for city and county. And I called up my management peeps at the apartment complex to find out about getting out of my lease a little early. (The good news: I will only need to pay one month of both rent and mortgage; the bad news: I have to pay one month of rent and mortgage.)
I feel like I have no money; I feel like I will never have money again. (Let's note that I have more money than I've ever had in my life, but I also see the money just bleeding from my various bank accounts and I feel like the bleeding will never stop.) I feel like I want to bail on one or both of the conferences I'm supposed to attend this summer (which I won't do, but still, I feel like I want to). I feel like I really don't want to be doing all of this totally by myself because dude, this is a lot for one person to take on. I feel completely ill-equipped for the whole process, and I feel like I hate everything. I also feel like the end of the semester is grinding me down on top of all of this, and I feel like everything is happening all at once and too quickly and too scarily. A large part of me feels like I just want to back out of the whole enterprise right now, and to live in my stupid apartment (which I hate) forever, just to avoid all of this. (I won't do that either, but a part of me really wants to.)
In other words, I am freaking the fuck out. And not in a "oh, this is so exciting" way but rather in a "I need to be medicated" sort of a way.
I am trying to talk myself off the ledge, to repeat over and over again "All of this will be fine once I get through the closing and move. All of this will be fine once I get through the closing and move." I keep trying to tell myself that this is not going to be a decision that ruins my entire life, but rather that makes my life better. I'm trying to keep some perspective and to realize that while change really stresses me out that I always feel like change is good once I've actually made a change.
But, seriously, people. This is for the birds. Wake me up when it's June and all of this is over.
5 years ago