Oh, Fall Break, I Will Miss You So (and Some Random Musings about Being a Professor)

Well, it has not been a productive fall break, but it has been a rejuvenating one. I've spent a lot of time sleeping, lounging about, wondering why Anthony Bourdain isn't somebody I actually know in life, slightly more lounging, thinking about work, putting off the work until another day, and then maybe I'd go back to sleep. Now, this is not the most glamorous way to spend a fall break, but I think that I really needed the time to veg.

Of course,what this means now that it's the final day of the fall break is that the time for lying about in a slatternly fashion has come and gone, and I've got a lot of work to do. Mostly, that work involves grading. What's annoying to me is that pretty much all of the grading that I have is not grading that I want to do.

I know what you're thinking: isn't that true of all grading? Well, not generally for me. The problem is that the batches of assignments that I've got before me are ones that I assign because they're good foundational assignments for students - and I do believe in making sure that students have some grades at midterm to judge progress by - but they aren't particularly interesting assignments to me personally to grade. For example, I always assign one of two short papers in the survey before midterm, because they need one paper early, so that they can get a sense of my expectations and grading style and so that they're digging in to the texts of the first part of the semester. The problem is, the first half of the survey is decidedly not in my wheelhouse of favorite literature to teach or about which to read. So I've got this batch of papers that I believe in students writing but that I have no desire to evaluate. And, with this course, there's no way around that. It's good pedagogy to have the assignment, in spite of my personal preferences.

That's just one example, but the problem with my fall teaching schedule (as opposed to my spring teaching schedule) is that this is true across three of the four classes, which stinks. Now, I'll say this: it's a much milder version of the problem than I used to have when I was teaching two sections of comp per semester. What I've got to do, though, is to remember that things do improve dramatically as the semester moves forward, so this, too, shall pass. But see, this is an example of the way that as much as I love teaching, teaching is a job and it's not just about "doing what I love" or something. There are things that I've got to do as a teacher that I decidedly don't love, even if I enjoy teaching generally. I think that's often one of the things that doesn't get discussed much in the profession, which is weird since I think it's a given in other professions that while one might "enjoy" his/her job, one is going to not-enjoy certain parts of it.

I suppose I wish we talked a bit more about the nuts and bolts of this in real ways rather than being distracted by complaining about how students suck or about what counts as proper "professorial" or student behavior. I think sometimes when we get bogged down in those side issues that it sets up a false binary between "good professors who love everything about the job and thus the things that upset them are the fault of other people" and "bad professors/students who have the audacity not to love every single aspect of higher education." If those are the only options, then I think that the only option it leaves for people on either side is bitterness. The "good" professors are bitter because everything would just be perfect if other people (students, colleagues, administrators, taxpayers) had the exact same passions, loves, and values that they do, which of course are pure and true and altruistic. The "bad" professors are bitter because everything would be just perfect if the whole world would recognize that this is "just a job" like any other shitty job, which of course is what it "really" is.

I think that I used to fall into the second bitter camp, but the more I do this job, the more I think that this second bitter option is just as lame as the first. When I'm honest, I don't think this is "just a job" like any other shitty job, and to claim that it is has nothing to do with "reality." But I also don't think that if there are things that I don't like about the job, or if I feel like I need a break from talking about the job that it makes me "unprofessorial" or sends the wrong message. I think, I hope, that there's some middle option that does away with all of that freaking bitterness.

Perhaps I'm getting soft the longer that I'm in this profession, but being bitter takes a hell of a lot of energy, and I don't have that energy if I'm going to teach four classes a semester, have a research agenda, and do all of the service that I'm required to do. I don't mean that statement as a self-congratulatory one - "I am really focused on the work that I have to do and so I am better than the bitter folks" - no, I think I'm just tired. I don't find bitter screeds funny or liberating or entertaining anymore. I find them depressing and exhausting and distracting.

I don't know. I suppose as I think about what it means to me to be a professor, now that I've had a moment to think about it since having turned in the tenure binder, I realize that I've become a lot more confident in that identity. I don't feel like I'm proving myself anymore, like I'm jumping through hoops. I don't feel like there's some ideal of professor-ness that I'm bound to protect or to project in order to claim that identity. I feel like that because I'm a professor, that means that I'm professorial. (This is not unlike the realization I had about a year into my PhD program, where I decided, "You know what? They let me in and I haven't flunked out, so I have as much right to be here as anybody else.")

Sure, my version of this might not look the same as other versions of professorial identity, but who cares? I didn't pursue this profession because I held becoming some ideal of fixed professorial identity as a goal. I pursued it because I love the things that the job lets me do. I never expected that by virtue of becoming a professor I'd command more respect or esteem than if I chose another career path, nor did I have illusions, past the first year of graduate school, that being a professor meant leading a "life of the mind" that wasn't subject to real-life concerns and the complications caused by human interaction. And I didn't think that I'd stop being myself when I got into this whole thing. I didn't think that all of my old interests or attitudes would fall by the wayside the moment that I was hooded. Nor did I think that I would never again develop a new interest outside of those approved by the academy.

Sure, the process of entering this profession and working in it has changed me, in some ways good and in some ways less good. But I'm still me. And me? I'm not naturally a bitter person. And when I am bitter, it's usually in a fairly joky fashion, probably better described by the word "wry" than "bitter." I'm naturally a pretty positive and happy person. I'm a person who thinks about silly, non-academic things; I'm a person who procrastinates; I'm a person who values things that are fun - and not necessarily intellectual or sophisticated fun. I'm much more likely to laugh than to chuckle knowingly or to smirk.

And the longer that I do this job, the more important that I think that it is that I value those things about myself and nurture them. Because here's the thing: I'm a person first and a professor second. Being a professor is what I do but it's not the person that I am. And I come to think more and more that being a whole person makes me a better professor. I'm certainly much less of a jerk to my students (for I do think that I used to be a jerk under the guise of asserting authority), and I'm much more confident about showing more parts of myself and being more open about my personal reactions and attitudes than I used to be.

I thought about this after a discussion in the class with Notoriously Difficult Novel (which we've finished! hurray!). I said, in an offhand way, that I do believe it's a novel that all English majors should read/study/have the opportunity to write about. One of my students asked, in a slightly challenging way but also in a truly questioning way, why. First I let some students field the question, but then I concluded by broadening the question. Because I think what was at the heart of the question was really, "why bother reading/studying/writing about literature?"

Now, when I started teaching full time, I don't think that I would have broadened the discussion, or that I even would have offered an answer of my own. Or if I had, I would have offered up an answer that was basically a lit review: Here is why Mathew Arnold, T.S. Eliot, F.R. Leavis, and Roland Barthes say that we should read literature. But I didn't do that (or I didn't do only that). Instead, I gave my "real" answer to that question - my personal answer to that question. I told them why I'm invested in literary studies as a discipline, and why I think it matters. I won't recount it here because that's not really the point of this post. I also won't recount it because, having a reputation in my department of being a hard-ass who doesn't have warm and fuzzy feelings about literature, I swore all of my students to secrecy after I pontificated, and told them that if they ever revealed my warm and fuzzy true nature to anyone that I would surely deny it. We all laughed, and then class was done.

The point is, I think that it's good that the identity that I perform as a professor is no longer so dependent on hiding or evading or excising certain parts of how I really feel about my discipline and the work that I do, in the service of being "professorial." I think that it's good that I'm not so concerned with issues of authority that my identity in the classroom bears little to no resemblance to my identity in the world. It's not that I'm more "real" now, but I am a hell of a lot more open. And I think that part of the process of becoming more open for me has been finding my way as an academic who blogs. This may not be an "academic blog" - if what we mean by that term is a blog that excises the personal or the silly or the frivolous or the non-intellectual - but I am an academic who writes a blog. And doing so has helped me to learn how to broaden my academic persona in the classroom, to stop feeling immense bitterness about my job particularly and about the profession generally, and to feel more comfortable with the many different roles I play, in the job and out of it. And, perhaps most important, it gives me an excuse to blather on rather than getting down to the work of grading. The value of this cannot be discounted.

But the last day of Fall Break is a sad day indeed. A sad, sad day.

Because That Was Really How I Needed to Spend the Past Two Hours

I've changed the blog template. It came to my attention that a) blogrolling was jacked and I couldn't fix things with it and b) I wanted my archives back on the blog. It still needs massive work. Crazy is no graphic designer. But there you have it.

If you're missing from my blogroll, tell me and I'll add you. I know I lost a gajillion links, but I think a lot of them were old anyway.

On Guiding Students Through the Research Process

But before I begin with my musings on this topic, a few side notes. 1. I did not accomplish much today at all. I don't care. It's my fall break, dammit, and I've got two days left for productivity. 2. My "recent posts" as well as the archive of the blog seem to have disappeared. I don't know why. Ew. And when I look at the template in internet explorer the header is all fucked up. I feel like evil sprites have attacked my blog. I may need to spend some quality time monkeying with the template, even though I don't want to do so. Caro, can you hear me? Would you like to redesign my blog? I'll be your best friend!

In my two senior-level classes, the time for helping students to conceive research projects for their major paper at the end of the semester has arrived. Yes, I begin doing this with them this early.

I did not always do this. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I thought they all got what went into doing a research paper, and I'd start talking to them about it in earnest about one month from the deadline, although I'd give them the assignment earlier. But what I realized when I did this was that the papers that I would receive would turn out to be much more of a mixed bag, and that some students didn't understand academic research - and academic research writing - at all. And so, in the service of reading much cooler papers (my own selfish desire) and of actually making them "get it" to whatever extent they can about what "academic research and writing" means and is, I now start at about midterm, giving them two full months of periodic instruction to get them to the Big Paper.

Yes, these are juniors and seniors. And yes, they need this, even in classes that aren't writing classes, even though they've taken writing classes.

First of all, let me note for the record that I don't resent having to take class time to do this. When I was young and naive, I used to resent it - I felt like by the time they reached the upper level somebody else should have taught them this crap. Also, I resented it because I knew that I was teaching lower-level students this stuff in my comp classes, and so I wondered whether I was the only person who was bothering to do so.

Until I started getting students from my comp classes in my upper-level lit classes. And they didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground either. (By the way, that's a favorite saying of Crazy's Mom, and I really do love when I get the chance to use it.) It was at this point that I took a step back and re-evaluated. See, if they didn't get it even when I'd taught it to them, or if they didn't intuit how to take what I taught them and to translate it into advanced disciplinary research, perhaps that meant that they really needed instruction in the advanced stuff later on, when they'd be ready to get it. And maybe that wasn't something to resent, and was no reflection on students' abilities or on the quality of lower-level instruction, ultimately, but rather it meant that this stuff that I have internalized isn't actually self-evident or that even the basics don't necessarily penetrate on the first go-around.

The thing that I've realized most in beginning this early is that most students really don't have a clue about how to generate research questions independently. Thus, if their papers come out crappy, it's not that they are crappy writers most of the time. It's that because they didn't have a strong beginning they don't come out with a strong end product. So I find that most of what I do in the early stages is offering up lots of suggestions about ways to go. I ask a lot of leading questions, and I focus on getting them to narrow down further than they think that they should or that is reasonable. All of this is second-nature to me now, but for them, it's the first time often that they've ever done this, so it's not natural at all.

The next thing that I find I do a lot of is helping them to find sources. All but the best and the brightest have trouble with this, even after library instruction. They're not used to configuring their ideas in terms of search terms, and they're not used to using the many resources that the library offers. This goes hand in hand with the devising of the topic, because lame topics (I've found) come out of wanting a topic that "has enough" sources. The issue is, when a writer chooses a lame topic "that will work," a lame paper results. Often they think that there "won't be enough" on what they're interested in. It's a revelation to them when I can help them find those sources, and usually in 15 minutes or less.

Now, is this hand-holding? I'd say no. I'd say it's mentoring. See, the thing is, I'm not sure what the value is of expecting them to "get it" without demonstrating how to do it. And the fact that some students can get it without that mentoring doesn't mean that they don't benefit from it, too.

I guess I'm thinking about all of this because I've been thinking a lot of late about how my research and teaching connect, not just in terms of content but also in terms of form. See, the thing is, part of what my PhD meant was that I learned all of these techniques for how to produce scholarship. If I don't pass those on to my students, am I really teaching them as well as I could be? And what are the best ways for teaching them those techniques without insisting that they become little versions of me (a thought that I detest).

Example: a student of mine approached me to make an appointment for a meeting because "professors either love my writing or they hate it, and I need to know which kind you are." Talking to him further, I found that some professors responded very positively because he was playing with language in certain (I'd say out-dated) ways, while others called what he was doing "bad writing." I asked him for an example, and he gave me one. I responded: "Well, I would say as a rule that I would encourage you not to do that sort of thing." He asked me why. I elaborated: "Because it's not 1982, and you're not Derrida." He didn't seem terribly happy with this response. But then I went further. "I'm not saying that as a hard-and-fast rule. What I'm saying is that you need a reason for doing that sort of thing beyond that it's a cool thing to do. If you've got a reason in terms of the content that makes that sort of thing essential, it can be effective. But if you're doing it just because it's cool, then readers will think you're a joke. I'm happy to talk to you about your writing, and I promise you that I'll never just say that something is 'bad writing.' But I'm going to tell you what I think isn't effective, and when I do, I'll tell you why." He seemed happy with that, or as happy as he could be. See, now that's an example of me passing on to a student something that I only learned as an advanced grad student, something about form and not about content. Sure, I could have not had that conversation, and then I could end up unhappy with the paper that he turned in, but where would that leave either of us? And yes, I'm meeting with the student to go over his draft with him and to give him suggestions.

So anyway, this is a roundabout way of asking all of you to weigh in: how do you pass on the "scholarly tricks of the trade" to your students? Where is the line between hand-holding and mentoring? To what extent is it our responsibility to give students not just the content but also the form?

RBOC: Sunday Work Edition

• I need to accomplish a great many things today, all of which I truly don't feel like doing. Grading, some administrative stuff for my online class, grading, and then maybe some more grading. I'm giving myself an hour to chill before I really get down to it.
• In other news, I'm finding myself oddly annoyed by a post over at Rate Your Students that quotes from my recent cat post (without linking to me I might add, so I'm not linking to it). Let me just say this again (though how many times I've said it now, I have no idea): I'm an academic, and sometimes I write about stuff related to academia. But this is not a professional blog. It's not listed on my cv, and I don't view it or present it as a professional document. (If I did, I wouldn't go by "Dr. Crazy," for a start.) If that's the sort of thing that you're looking for, perhaps this is not the blog for you. If what you're looking for is focused, high-minded commentary on my field or the profession, which never veers off into other areas, this certainly is not the blog for you. I'm a whole person. I attempt to write about different snippets of that whole person, because I think there's value in doing so. If you don't think there's value in that, or you don't like the fun, personal, or frivolous stuff on this blog, that's your prerogative. But dude, if you're going to use my blog to make some broader point about the scourge on our culture that blogs like mine pose, the least you could do is link to it so that people can judge for themselves.
• Did I mention that I need to grade?
• In other news, I sent off the application for JWIBSNA yesterday, and so my whining about that task that had been looming for a month is over.
• I've actually got some academic sorts of posts brewing in my head, but I've been too swamped with actual work to write them. The thing is, a lot of what I've been busy with is very specific, and when I post about academic things here, I like to telescope out from the specific so as to make a broader point, so this blog isn't just about me, or my students, or my department, or my institution. That takes effort, and when I'm really freaking busy with actual work, I don't typically have what it takes left over to make that effort.
• In other news, I think I'm actually feeling like doing research again, which I've not felt since finishing my last article (still no word from Fancy Journal), finishing the book, and finishing the tenure binder. I'm hopeful that I'll be doing two conferences in 2009, and I'm hopeful that those papers will translate into either an article or into a chapter for a next book, though I've yet to decide whether I'm really game for strapping the "next book" project on. I'm feeling a sense of liberation when it comes to the research side of things right now, because I don't really have a set agenda for what I need to accomplish next. That said, I think I'm getting close to the point where I need to set some sort of agenda for myself where that is concerned. Agendas can be a good thing.
  
• You know, there's a large part of me that just wants to read for my one class instead of grading. This would be productive procrastination, but procrastination all the same.
• Enough of this bullet nonsense. I need to go start making my to-do list for the day.

Edited to add: RYS excised the words that were mine, left the changed names of my cats, and then left a note about how "the blogger" (who was plagiarized, though they didn't mention that in the note, nor did they apologize for the fact that they allowed her work to be published out of context, without citation, and without her permission on their site) didn't want her words on their blog. Whatever, it's resolved. There is a lot more I want to say, but I'm not allowing myself to do so. Not worth it.

Time for a New Workout Playlist

As a present to myself when I started this whole fitness business, I bought myself a song from iTunes and made a playlist. Well, it's been two weeks since then, and I realized today I was bored with it. Progress continues, so a new playlist is the order of business, with a couple of new iTunes songs. Do you care what's on the playlist? Perhaps not. And yet, I shall post it here.

1. Nancy, I Love You (some Arabic singer I don't know the name of - got the song off of a burned CD from a family member, and youtube does not offer this info)
2. All Falls Down (Kanye West)
3. Womanizer (Britney Spears)
4. When You Were Mine (Prince, though what I've linked to is the Tegan and Sara cover)
5. Fucking Boyfriend (The Bird and the Bee)
6. The Prayer (Bloc Party)
7. Boyz (M.I.A.)
8. Dirt off Your Shoulder (Jay-Z)
9. So What (Pink)
10. Lazy Eye (Silversun Pickups)
11. Gigantic (The Pixies)
    
12. Oliver's Army (Elvis Costello and the Attractions)
    
13. Nineteen (Tegan and Sara)
14. American Girl (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
15. You're No Rock'n'Roll Fun (Sleater Kinney)
16. Finest Worksong (REM)
17. London Bridge (Fergie)

1:04:20. And no, I don't typically work out for that long, because I hate working out, but that gives me room to skip a song or two when necessary. And I totally stand by the Britney(though that's perhaps because of the whole "You say I'm crazy. I got your crazy." line), the Pink, and the Fergie. Those are some catchy damned songs, and they've got a good beat. That's really all that matters to me in work-out music. Well, and that the songs are AWESOME. To me at any rate :)

So I should note that the Fitness Agenda is going very well. Totally feels like a lifestyle change. Have lost four pounds in two weeks. I've got miles to go before I sleep, but I'm not feeling like I'm "dieting" or something. And it feels good to make myself move with frequency. What is bizarre is that body-wise where the change happens first for me is around the knees and in the face. The middle? Well, Rome wasn't built in a day.

So that's the fitness update, complete with brand new playlist about which I am quite excited (though of course, there could be tweaking if necessary).

In Which the Kittens Address My Readers (For Don't We All Love Some Friday Cat Blogging?)

Man-Kitty: Hello, and good day to you. It is I,the Man-Kitty. I write --

Mr. Stripey: And me too! Mr. Stripey here! At your service! Hello! Good morning!

Man-Kitty: Hmmpf. As I was saying, I write this post knowing that you must all have been starved for news about how the Cats of Crazy are doing in this very busy autumn season. As you might imagine, there are a good many things keeping us busy. For example --

Mr. Stripey: My favorite place to play is in the bathtub! I bring my toys in there! It's awesome!

Man-Kitty: Sigh. For example, we have a daily schedule that begins around 6 AM when I, the more responsible of the two of us, make it my business to awaken Crazy using a variety of well-proven tactics. Then, we breakfast, and spend approximately one hour running about the house and wrestling. Exercise is a very important part of a healthy cat's daily routine. When this is done, it is time for our first baths of the day. While we take care of most of our bathing independently, it is awfully nice to have each other for bathing those difficult to reach spots, like our ears, necks, and eyeballs. See for example this photograph of Mr. Stripey cleaning my face, which was taken about a month or two ago. He, while excitable, does do quite an exemplary job now that he is trained. Indeed, though this may be too much information, he recently had his first hairball and it was the color of my hair! What a good young apprentice!


Mr. Stripey: Hairballs are very disgusting. Even I cannot be excited about those. But it's nice to help out by bathing my brother! Yay! I'm useful! And very affectionate!

Man-Kitty: Once our bath is done, we retire for our morning naps. I enjoy privacy while napping, and so recently have taken to napping within the Tent of Kittens. In it, I look very kittenish if I do say so myself. Indeed, I look positively tiny, and very, very sweet.


Man-Kitty: My brother, on the other hand, is growing by leaps and bounds. His stripes become more and more pronounced with each passing day, and he increases in size in ways that are somewhat disturbing. Soon, I fear, he shall become larger than I, for while I appear quite majestic to the naked eye, a lot of that is just my glorious fur coat. See for example, Mr. Stripey on the top perch of the condo, which I rarely, if ever, get to inhabit since the arrival of Mr. Stripey.

Mr. Stripey: I am SO not big! I am LITTLE! And CUTE! And STRIPEY!

Man-Kitty: I never said that you weren't stripey. In fact, I said quite the opposite. You must pay attention. However, I believe if we look at the evidence, we can all agree that you are getting much bigger. Indeed, you are positively cat-sized. You cannot deny it.

Mr. Stripey: But inside I am wee! I am still the baby! You are not the baby! I am Mr. Stripey, the baby of the family! I dispute your claims to kittenishness! Dispute them, I say!

Man-Kitty: Go to sleep. You appear to be over-tired.

Mr. Stripey: You're just saying that because you want to go to sleep! ... But I am feeling very sleepy....

Man-Kitty: Yes, I know, Mr. Stripey. Come, we both need our rest if we are to wrestle as scheduled in three hours time.

Paying for College

So, I saw this article in the NYT this morning, and it's got me thinking about how the recession/depression/credit crunch/whatever we're calling it today is going to affect students paying for college. I'll admit, I'd not really given it a whole lot of thought in large part because of the students that I teach and their typical financial situations as they relate to the cost of attending my uni.

See, my student population is not one that typically relies on "college money" put aside by their parents to pay for their educations. Most of my students do not live on campus (no room/board costs), work full time or close to it, and don't rely on parents to take out loans for them or to give them tuition money (many of my students have parents who think that they should foot the bill once they turn 18, regardless of the fact that financial aid calculations typically include parents' income for traditional-aged students). Even the students who do live on campus typically are responsible for paying a good chunk of their way. And a lot of students are returning students with families of their own, so it's really their husbands/wives who are helping to foot the bill for college, or they're going to school on the GI Bill or whatever. So reading that article was a bit like reading about aliens from another planet.

This is not to say that financial aid isn't part of the equation at my university - it most definitely is - but let's just say that students who have chosen my university typically have done so with affordability as a primary motivation. We've got the lowest tuition in the state system, even with recent increases, and we don't depend much on endowment money because we are a university without much of an endowment.

What I suspect is that there will be pressure on financial aid because of an increased number of requests - not from current students but from students who want to transfer in because they can't afford to go to whatever college they've been attending and from students who decide to attend here who otherwise would have gone elsewhere. However, I also know that we have a huge space problem on campus, and this is going to limit the amount that enrollment can increase over the next five years, given the state's slashing of our budget. In a weird way, I think that one result of the financial crisis will actually be in upping the standards for who gets admitted here, just because we won't be able to admit every person who wants to come unless we get a major influx of cash for a new academic building or five.

But so back to the article. What struck me most about the article is, with all of that in mind, how foreign what it describes is to my own and to my students' experiences in higher ed. And I suppose this goes back to a post I did a long while back about the fact that "college" does not mean the same thing for all people. The fact of the matter is that the people that this financial mess is going to hit hardest are not my kind of people - people who don't have money put aside for college or people who fully expect to work their way through college because otherwise they can't afford to go - but rather the kind of people to whom a "college education" has seemed like a birthright, like something that parents "owe" their children and are obligated to provide for them. And if we take this in the context of the current political rhetoric about higher education, it's that second group of people who promise to be disappointed by whatever either candidate comes up with, because the fact of the matter is that the landscape of what solidly middle-class parents can do for their children in terms of education has changed (for the worse), and I'm very skeptical about the possibility that the federal government can do much to make a difference in that. Finally, I wonder how or if this is going to change discourses that have cropped up about "millenials" and their sense of entitlement, their need to be babied, etc., which I've always felt didn't really reflect the students that I encounter on a daily basis. Perhaps as the burden on students to finance their own educations increases, discourses about what these students are - and, in fact, who the students actually are - will change?

I don't know. My thoughts are fairly fuzzy about all of this, but these are the things that the article got me thinking about. And finally, that quotation with which the article ends - that student who says, "I’m pretty sure something will work out for me”? My students might not be the brightest bulbs in the chandelier in a lot of ways, but I'd venture the speculation that very few of them believe that things will just work out for them. Nah, they typically think that things won't work out, most of the time, and that if things do work out it's because they've busted their asses to make that happen.

Dismal Weather, Dismal Students

Well, and stressed out students because they all have tests galore and they're tired and burnt out. I, too, am tired and burnt out. Am considering going home very early and taking to my bed with some kittens.

Crazy Hearts FB

Even if he's not perfect, even if he makes poor choices, even if he sometimes sucks, even if he worries that his suckitude or his poor choices make him lame.

That's what it means to heart someone. And that's how Crazy feels.

This doesn't mean everything will work out perfect, or that things will even work out great. Things may not. Things often don't. But how I feel about him? It's unconditional. And it's about what's best for him, and not about me being my typical selfish self. Not that my typical selfish self doesn't exist in this moment, but my typical selfish self just isn't the point. And that's important to say sometimes, that one's selfish self isn't the point. And I think it's important to feel that way sometimes, too, that one's selfish self isn't the point. And so that's how I feel. Period.

What does that mean? In practical terms? I'm not sure. But in emotional terms I think that feeling is important, and that it's worth it to articulate it, however inarticulately.

Because I'm Wondering

And this isn't actually about me.

Let's say that you're a person, a person who has decided to apply for an academic job.

The job that you're applying for is not an entry-level position. It's a position that would come with tenure, if you were to receive it, though the search is open, and will allow for assistant-level applicants.

You're applying for this job because it's where you'd like to be location-wise, but on paper it would be a step down from your current institution. (Think going from a research university to a regional-comprehensive sort of institution.)

Your field is not a ridiculously glutted one like English, though it's also not a ridiculously barren one like accounting.

And let's say that the job ad specifies that you are to mail your materials by a certain date to a certain address.

And let's say that you email the materials to the search chair rather than mailing them to where the ad tells you to.

If the search chair sends you a curt email in which he tells you to mail the materials as he job ad specified, should you be offended? Should you take it as a sign that your application will not be received favorably?

I've got my own thoughts, but I'd be interested to hear what others think about this.

Tired as All Get-Out

But no. Seriously.

Here was my day:

10AM - meeting with committee I'm chairing.
11-11:30AM - typed up summary of meeting with questions to consider and emailed it to the committee for electronic hashing out of details.
11:30AM - ordered books for next semester (the first time I think I've ever done it by the deadline)
12 Noon - scarfed down some lunch and typed up weekly note to online class.
12:30 - met with student about Service Obligation that Just Won't Go Away (that I never should have taken on) and then ran around trying to resolve something related to it only to have it fall back in my lap.
1 - checked mailbox to find a little note from Infamous Literary Executor. All is well.
1-3 - graded tests, signed up for online evaluation pilot thingie for one class, got some things together for night class.
3-4:30 - meeting
4:45-7 - taught while feeling as if might collapse. Ended the night with a poem about despair and wanting to kill self but knowing that one can't give in to such impulses.

Now am home. Am wondering whether it's possible to ever recover from this day. Am wondering how I shall manage to make it through to the conclusion of Project Runway. Am wondering how in God's name I will manage to be a dynamic teacher tomorrow. Alors.

On To Do Lists and Productivity

Somebody asked me in a comment about how I manage my "things to do" - Courtney I think? - and whether I've got a system as anal as my one for note-taking for research (though the commenter put it in a nicer way than that). I feel as if I've written about this before, though I can't seem to find a handy link. I have a theory of to-do lists that accomplishing 60% of any list is grand. But what is my actual process?

Well, of late, I've become a fan of iGoogle as my homepage. This allows me to indulge in my new love of Google 15, as well as to have things like the weather and Bejeweled come up every time I open up my web-browser. But also, this allows me to have the "to do" application come up, and this is a good edition to my system.

So here's the thing: I'm a fan of a traditional to-do list. On paper. I'm no good with electronic calendars and such, typically. I need to have a fairly flexible list, that can easily be shifted to different times of day and different days if necessary. I'm no good with "scheduling" things I need to do, in the way of blocking off certain hours for activities and actually accomplishing those in the slotted times. No, I need something that is more flexible. I aim for certain days and times, but I don't beat myself up if I need to reschedule.

So, the way I've typically worked is with a traditional planning notebook (non-electronic), a 5-day-a-week planner, and this has been my system really since high school. I'll admit that I've gone to one with hourly slots since entering the tenure-track (better for keeping track of meetings and student appointments) but I need to see the whole week at a glance. (I've been using a Burde weekly planner bought at Barnes and Noble for the past four or so years.) Now, I'll make a major to-do list each weekend, that has all the things, divided by topic. Then, I transfer different items on that list into certain days of the week, by which I'd ideally like to accomplish those things. Again, I hope for 60% productivity on any day. To me, this is success. I typically plan for much more than a reasonable person can accomplish, and so if I do the 60%, I'm actually being really productive. (This is something that I learned during my dissertation.)

The thing that helps with the iGoogle to-do, is that I've got something in front of my face that says what I need to do each day, and which is easily manipulatable. I've not abandoned my traditional paper system, but the electronic reinforcement has helped with things like making sure that the to-do list is on my mind, and making sure that I do "personal" to-do things as well as "work" to-do things. There is something really satisfying about changing the color of items that have been accomplished. And there's something great about deleting items and then carrying them over to the next day.

But here's my theory of the "to-do." My theory is that you've got to work with who you are. It's ultimately less productive if you try to fit yourself into a mold that isn't really you. For me, that means that I've got to be a paper-and-pen-to-do-list-person, at least for the most part. Things I type into the computer, if it's not just a repetition of the handwritten, for me aren't real. Those are things that I can (and do) ignore. Others can easily translate their lives into the electronic. I'm just not that girl. That's ok, but I need to know that in order to accomplish things.

I also do think that you need some version - in whatever medium - of a "master list," and then you need to break it down into bite-sized chunks. Whether the bite-sized chunks are on a blog (which mine sometimes are, often when I'm at "red-alert" level and really need to get things done) or whether they are in another form, switching mediums for the bite-sized chunks can help to keep your expectations realistic. The "master list" for me is sometimes overwhelming, and so putting the bite-sized chunks into the planner, or onto the blog, or onto my iGoogle to-do list, makes them manageable and realistic.

And, for me, I work better when I've got an overly ambitious to-do list, one that I know is impossible. I give myself permission to only finish 60%, but I feel accomplishment with the 60% and I'm over the moon when I do more. If I do realistic to-do lists, I typically still only accomplish 60%, and then I feel bad about myself and I'm behind, which sucks. If I accomplish more than the 60% on my current to-do lists, I get to feel like I'm awesome. And I'm ahead of the game. This is good.

So that's how I accomplish things. Maybe this will be useful for some people?

I Wish I Didn't Have a Stupid Pseudonym

Because if I didn't have a stupid pseudonym, I could link to the amazon page with my freaking book!!!!! Indeed, it has a price, and a description, and an ISBN number and, finally, a picture of the cover. And by month's end, it will be available for people to buy!!!!!

Now, I'm not too jazzed about the thought of people reading the thing.... Indeed, the thought of that makes me incredibly anxious. But I do like the idea of people buying it. So, if you know who I am, go look at my book! If you don't know who I am, but you'd like to know so that you can go look at my book, well, perhaps something can be arranged.

In other news, I am busily not grading. This is not good judgment, but it is what I'm doing.

The Sprained Ankle That Wasn't, Significant Relationships, and Other Musings

Well, first of all, the ankle is doing fine, in spite of my stupidity of earlier. No longer swollen, no longer pain, no longer anything other than a normal ankle. I still plan to take it slightly easy on it over the next few days (no need to tempt fate) but I no longer think that I've caused myself irreparable damage or some such.

In other news, I learned that my friend Jezebel, who's been in a fully functional relationship with a guy who does not suck for approximately 3 months now, is on the verge of moving in with the fully functional guy. J. is 3 years older than me, and let's just say that she's had a checkered romantic past. At any rate, this thing, barring any horrifying occurrences, does seem to be a lot like a good thing. As things now stand, they'll be on the engagement path in 6 months or so (per their calculations, not mine, and not hers and mine) and he's already converting to Catholicism for her, as that is one of her deal-breakers (I think in part -if not in whole - because she herself is a converted Catholic). Let me just say, I've never known her to be happier and more centered. This is all so awesome.

A. (in case you've been wondering about her) is doing well, and her for-real One True Love (OTL) (whom I truly love with a love that is pure and true) is fantabulous. Sure, apparently he's also stalking a deer through the wee hours this evening (it's a whole bow-hunting thing... in which the poor deer came out on the bad side of things), instead of being happily in A.'s bed, but everybody has their flaws.

Grad School BFF is very stressed out about work, but things are great with GSBFF's OTL, in spite of all of the stress, and that is awesome as well. Sure, there are things, but I'm entirely hopeful that the Things are easily resolved.

So what about Crazy and the Romance? You know that she is in the midst of a fake relationship so what gives? Well, nothing gives, actually. FB and I are fantabulous, although I have recently been a colossal asshole to him. He is very patient and loving. These are qualities in him that I really and truly admire, and of which I also take advantage, which makes me feel like an even bigger ass, but what'so great about him is that he doesn't think I'm an ass when I do. See, the FB may suck (and sometimes he does) but he does love me with a love that is pure and true. Even if he's a jerk-off who refuses to admit such mushy things. I still resent the fact that Mr. Stripey loves FB with a love that is pure and true. Damn, Mr. Stripey! He does not understand, in spite of my admonitions, that the Man-Kitty's antipathy to FB is, in fact, the appropriate response.

So that's what's up, my peeps. I have much to do tomorrow (grading), but other than that, all is well.

And THIS is Why Getting in Shape is a Fool's Errand

Coming back from a restorative fitness walk in my neighborhood, I managed to stumble on the indoor/outdoor carpeting in the hallway of my apartment building and to, I think, slightly sprain my ankle. I immediately elevated it and iced it (or rather, frozen pea-ed it, for I had no ice) upon returning home, and took some advil, and what little swelling there seemed to be seems to be gone, it's not black and blue, and it's actually feeling much better. Perhaps I'm being a bit of a drama queen, with all of those facts laid out, but still. Who does that?

The visit with Mom and G. was splendid and exactly what I needed. And it's nice to have a spic and span house now that those crazies have gone, so their visit was an incontrovertible success, both in the sense of having a clean house and in having quality parental time.

ETA: I feel that the whole Sprain Scare might have been a bit of drama queen nonsense on my part. All is well. (I do believe.) Huzzah!

A Quiz to Tide Us All Over

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Stand up for yourself... and me.


• * Be confident, strong, and direct.


• * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.


• * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.


• * Give me space to be alone.


• * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.


• * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.


• * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

• * being independent and self-reliant


• * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on


• * being courageous, straightforward, and honest


• * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life


• * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me


• * upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

• * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to


• * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence


• * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it


• * never forgetting injuries or injustices


• * putting too much pressure on myself


• * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

• * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit


• * are sometimes loners


• * seize control so they won't be controlled


• * figure out others' weaknesses


• * attack verbally or physically when provoked


• * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

• * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted


• * are sometimes overprotective


• * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Cleaning, Parents, Etc.

So, the parents are coming to visit this weekend, and they should arrive here around 7-ish. I've been cleaning for the past few hours, and I've still got more cleaning to do. I do not want to clean, but indeed, I seem to have taken on a top-to-bottom cleaning project, so now I'm at that midway point where I can't stop because I've actually made more of a mess by starting to clean. Sigh. I would very much like to take a nap. This cannot happen.

But so yes, blogging will likely be light. It's not like I've really got anything about which to write anyway, so whatever. Ok, back to it. Sigh.

Scattered, Busy, Not Yet Dressed for Work

I feel like I have too many different balls in the air and so am sort of running all over the place but the major tasks that I need to do just continue to sit there. That's annoying. I want to be focused and accomplishing things. Says the girl who's having a very hard time getting motivated to get ready for work.

I just want to be through next week. That is the midway point, folks, and that means it's fall break. The psychological benefits of this are greater than the physical ones, but whatever. Because of how my classes are structured (well, how two of the four are structured) this means that it will be like starting fresh after the break, and I really need that boost.

Today will be yet another long day of meetings and of crap that stops me from doing the actual things on my to-do list. This is perhaps the reason why I am not terribly motivated to get myself dressed and ready.

But as I have less than an hour to do this before I need to teach, I'd better go do that. Just thought I'd check in since I've not written really. Oof. Just so tired. Just so lacking in the get-up-and-go department.

Moving and Shaking

Although, not, today, physically. I was at the office for hours longer than I typically am, and so the plan is to make up for today's lack of a workout tomorrow.

However, it's like everything in the whole world is coming together and all is right with the world with tasks I've been procrastinating about!

1. I finally, for the first time in over a year, updated my professional website. Note: my professional website really does suck. It's nothing fancy at all. However, I did need to update it because it was filled with broken links and stupidly old syllabi, etc. All of that is now addressed, and while it still is very non-fancy, as websites go, it is no longer embarassing.
2. I emailed the organizer of an annual conference that I've attended previously and wanted to attend this year, except with the tenure binder coming due, I blew the deadline for abstracts. It turns out I can still submit something! And that if I don't want to, I can chair a panel, and thus be on the program, and thus still get funding to go! (I was inspired to do this today because I got my info about how much I'd be funded for upcoming conferences this year.)
3. I finally finished updating my cv for JWIBSNA.
4. Because I did #3, I was able to email potential recommenders. I've made an executive decision to change up the recommenders for this go-around. I've decided to quit bugging the person who was the second-reader on my diss and with whom I've barely kept in contact; I made the bold move of requesting a letter from Fancy Mentor Whom I So Admire. Am debating about having Lovely Friend Mentor update the letter that she's got for me, though since only three recs are required, I don't really *need* a letter from her, since Fancy Mentor actually knows the broader scope of my research better than Lovely Friend Mentor does. Asked Awesome Colleague to update his letter, and AC has agreed, so that's set. The only person I've yet to hear from (sur-fucking-prise) is my diss director, though I'm sure he'll be amenable.... if bad about getting back to me about being amenable, which will mean I'll need to email him about four times over the next month to figure out what is up.
5. And this weekend, I did what I think was the final set of revisions on the letter for JWIBSNA. So this means that I can send my shit off and be done with thinking about it (aside from the hounding of Diss Director).

The only problem is, because I have been spending my time on all of the above, I'm woefully behind on grading in two classes of the four. And I'm getting even more in over the next couple of days. This weekend will have to be the weekend of grading. (Except of course my parents are planning to come visit. Gah. Maybe I should call my mom and change the plans? - Damn, just did and the plans are set in stone. Well, I shall have to be efficient with my use of time on Sunday and Monday.) I also have a good amount of prep to do for one of my classes. But let's not let all of that overshadow 1-5. Those are fine accomplishments.

Notetakers Anonymous: A Fuller Description of My Research Process

I left a couple of comments to this post over at Flavia's yesterday, but this blog has been so bereft of actual content lately that I thought I'd write an actual post (gasp!) about how I do research and organize notes and files and such, which, for as much as I've written about writing here, I don't think I've ever done. This could turn out to be as boring as, or more boring than, the stupid to-do lists and self-flagellation that I've currently been featuring, but at least it will be a change of pace.

Let me preface this with the fact that I learned how to do research back in olden times before note-taking software, bibliographic software, and all other such newfangled technologies that ostensibly make one's life easier. Hell, I didn't even have my own computer until I was in my first year of my Ph.D. program. Remember word processors? Dude, I was totally excited when I got one of those to replace my typewriter. I never actually composed on a machine until I started my dissertation and realized writing the whole initial draft longhand would give me carpal tunnel or arthritis or similar. With this being the case, how I conduct my research note-taking and writing has morphed into a weird hybrid of the old and the new.

The Idea Phase
So any project for me begins with some sort of "assignment." In school, it began with a paper assignment to write for a class or seminar. Now, it begins with the "assignment" of writing an abstract in response to a call for papers. At this point, I typically start with the primary text or texts that I want to examine, and I don't think too much about the research side of things. I'll write (longhand) a draft of an abstract, and then, once I think I figure out what I'd like to do, I figure out what theoretical texts would be appropriate for helping me to do what I want (a) and I do a search for secondary sources in databases (b). Should I feel like I've found enough to support what I'd like to do, with minimal reading around, I revise the abstract and send it off.

Phase One of Research - Reading and Taking Notes
So then it's time to do the bulk of the reading/note-taking on primary, theoretical, and secondary material. I do each of these in different ways.

1. First, in looking at primary material, I typically do a sort of indexing system with post-it notes in which I mark each passage that addresses a portion of my outline. I don't use those little page reference ones - typically I like the "mini" ones with a bit more space, so that I can write what part of my imaginary outline each passage corresponds with. So let's say my essay has three main kinds of examples I'd like to consider - kittens, cantaloupes, and cuttlefish. I'll go through and mark each passage with a post-it note of a different color that has a small notation about why it makes me think of whatever it is in relation to that point on the outline. Note: this is actually a less anal-retentive adaptation of what I did for my oral qualifying exam, in which I did a thematic index - with page numbers - for each of the novels on my list. No, I'm not kidding. And yes, that was nuts, but I will say it's really helped with prepping for teaching, that crazy notebook.

2. From that point, I actually don't turn directly to the theoretical stuff. Remember, I've already glanced at it when coming up with the idea, and so I tend to leave that until last. Next, I look at secondary sources. My first order of business is to turn to my Big Binder of Dissertation Madness, if I'm writing on anything connected to the field of my dissertation. (If I'm writing on my New Area Not Related to the Dissertation, I turn to Big Bins of Madness from previous projects.) I just reread the notes, and I make notes on another sheet of paper (any sheet of paper will do) about what might be useful in a very general way. I similarly look through my Personal Library of Scholarly Tomes and note what from it might be useful. Then, I turn to the new database entries that I've got. I print out everything available electronically, make sure the full citation is listed on the front of the article (sometimes it's not clear when you print them out) and stick it in a big bin. I skim the articles, and divide them into two piles - useful and not. The not useful for this project I stick in another bin, for future reference. The useful, I read (typically while in front of the TV watching something like an America's Next Top Model Marathon) and make notes directly on the article (underlining, marginalia, etc.) I also make notes to myself on a sheet of paper (any sheet will do) if I get some kind of idea that is too brilliant to be lost in the margins. Once that's done, I get all of the books that the library has and do ILL for any articles and books that aren't local. I then sit in front of the television (maybe while watching a What Not to Wear marathon) and take notes on them all on regular paper, listing the complete bibliographic citation on the first page (I used to do a whole notecard thing from olden times with the books, but even I have given up notecards). When I'm done with each source, I staple the sheets of notes together and put them in the bin with the articles. Also, any sheets of brilliant ideas go into the bin as well. You will note that with this system, most research happens on the front end of a writing project for me. And yes, I do some version of all of this even for conference papers - so much do I fear that somebody will ask a random question that I will be clueless about. Of course, 99% of this never makes it into the conference papers that I write, but it does help to have it all compiled if I decide to expand the conference paper into a fuller publishable thing. Or if I do another related project in the future.

3. There is then an interlude where I return to the abstract, and only then do I go over the theoretical underpinning sorts of sources in a concentrated way. I use the same system for these that I use for primary sources.

Phase Two of Research - Figuring Out What To Do with the Mountains of Notes

The primary and theoretical books that I own are in a big stack, the Dissertation Binder is at the ready, the books I own are in a stack next to that, and all of the rest of what I've got is in the Big Bin of Madness. Now what? You may be asking. Well, if it's a conference paper, I pretty much stick to the primary and theoretical sources, maybe throwing in a thing here or there from a secondary source if it just fits. The point is, though, it's all there in my head, and I can usually write the conference paper really quickly having done all that thinking. So I slap something engaging (one hopes) together, and that is that.

It's more complicated when I'm actually writing something for publication. Then, I've got to get all of that junk in the stacks and bins available again, along with the conference paper that I'm writing from and its original abstract. Typically, I'll use the conference paper as the initial guide for how I'm going to structure the essay, and I'll do a reverse outline of it, adding and subtracting and reorganizing where necessary, to get a sense of the shape of the article or chapter. This is usually VERY rough - with headings like "theoretical underpinning" and "introductory example" and "the canon" - whatever. Once I've come up with this, I put the reverse outline into a word document. Then, I will do one of a couple of things:

1. Sometimes I'll just start writing, if I feel like I know where I'm heading with the piece. I'll pick a block of the reverse outline and I'll have at the draft, sometimes leaving notes for myself in bold that I need to add a paragraph of secondary support for some assertion here, or that I need to flesh out my critique there. If I take this approach, I'm pretty much devoted to the primary and theoretical sources first, and I'll add in the secondary stuff later.

2. But this doesn't always work for me. Sometimes, I need to start with the secondary stuff and write around it. In that case, I'll go through the books and the binder and the bin and I will type quotes from secondary and theoretical sources that fit into the outline, properly cited. This can be good, especially if I'm fairly far away from the idea's inception, as it makes me think through the material I've read and to figure out why it mattered to me in the first place. Once I've done that, I'll take another document with the reverse outline and do the same for the primary sources. Then I'll begin writing, copying and pasting secondary and theoretical stuff in where needed. All of this usually leads to me refining my argument, and also doing some reorganization of where the different pieces fit (and sometimes eliminating pieces, or turning them into notes).

Phase Three of Research - Notes

I don't deal with notes typically until the end. While I'm writing, I may put a placeholder note in that describes the note that I will ultimately write and lists the source in a complete enough fashion that I'll be able to make sense of it later. But really, the note stuff I do at the very end - usually I don't have more than a very few place-holder notes, and those are typically ones I put from cut paragraphs or portions of the outline. By doing the notes at the end, I find that I'm more conservative about how many notes I include, and I'm clearer about why I'm including them. Another benefit of this is that I have whatever is left over that I haven't used in the rough outline typing sources in stage as note-fodder. Whatever the case, I don't typically get into a situation where I'm trying to track down a loose thought I had while writing in one of a gajillion sources.

So that is my process. Writing it all out, I realize it's slightly obsessive, but it does mean that I'm never stressed out by not knowing where I read something or having a record of what I thought about a particular thing. And it's been invaluable as I've done projects that are slightly related to previous ones, as I can be sure that I'm not duplicating myself in what I submit for publication or doing the same research twice. And, and this is a big and, it makes me feel a lot more confident that I'm gaining mastery over new material, and it allows for me to bring that material more easily into the classroom and to translate it into something students can figure out. In other words, when I'm teaching a class in my subspecialty, as I am this semester, I do not actually do scholarly reading as preparation. It's all there in my head, and I can spontaneously recall it when it's useful. This is a huge time-saver in terms of teaching prep.

But so, this process is not for the faint of heart. And I'm trying to get used to using bibliographic software because I think it might be a positive addition to my otherwise old-fashioned research ways. The fact is, though, I don't really have the time to plug all of my current stuff into it, and so I'm doing a half-assed job with this so far. I figure if I use it for each new project that sooner or later I'll be caught up :) But so I don't know whether this lengthy and tedious narrative will be in any way interesting or useful to anybody, but there you are.

Told You I'd Be a Boring and Yet Prolific Blogger Today

So I worked out, and then I hit a bit of a brick wall with the productivity because I had to talk to my best friend from high school on the phone, and then I was feeling a wee bit tired and so I sort of napped (though not really - just kind of laid there with my eyes closed thinking and relaxing). Then, I forced myself to cook, although I wasn't in the mood, and my was my dinner yummy. And now I'm all set with the cooking for the week, except I do think that I'll make loubieh bi zeit with the rest of the green beans that I've got one day this week.

So. What you'll notice is that I did not do the teaching things I intended to do. Sigh. Part of me just wants not to do them and then to procrastinate until tomorrow. Problematically, however, I really need to do some cleaning tomorrow so that I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off on Friday before my parents arrive. Which means totally procrastinating is probably not the wisest of plans. Hmmm. I'm going to have to think this over for a bit more time.

Blogging As Motivation

So I think I'm going to blog a lot today as a way of giving myself little breaks and as a way of making sure I keep getting shit done. Thus far, I've talked to my mom on the phone and I'm running the dishwasher. I'm now trying to decide whether I should work out now, or whether I should get some teaching stuff done and then work out as a break. I'm thinking it's better if I work out first - that way I won't be able to talk myself out of it later. Yesterday I didn't work out for just that reason, you see. I was up and moving for most of yesterday, though (went to the grocery store, spent hours cooking), which I think is still positive.

I've been thinking a lot about how sedentary my lifestyle typically is, and thinking about how the profession (and in particular the book project) has influenced that. See, the times in my life when I've been thinnest (high school, grad school during coursework) it wasn't that I was working out like a maniac or eating according to some weird diet. It was just that I was moving a lot more than I typically moved during college or since the dissertation began. I lost a ton of weight during coursework because I didn't have a car for two years. In high school, I didn't have a car and there were no school-buses in my district, which meant I walked like 2-3 miles a day just going to and from school and going around with my friends. So I think a lot of the trick with this weight loss thing is just getting off my ass more, which lifestyle-wise requires more thought now than I did when I was at my thinnest without effort. But - and this is the big but (ha! big butt!) - I think this doesn't have to be so hard as I sometimes make the weight shit out to be. It's not like I'm doomed to be a fatso or like I have a naturally slow metabolism or like I have some horrible eating habits that are about some deeper psychological problem or something. I'm just not moving as much as I need to move.

Thinking about it that way, and paying attention to what I'm eating, makes it all seem a lot less daunting. And it's funny, this is not unlike the way that I get myself going on writing projects. When I think about the whole, it all seems too big and awful to make headway. When I think about it in terms of small things (I just need to write a little every day; I know how to do this, and it's just a matter of realizing that it's not the end of the world or some horribly impossible task) that's when I make real progress. So in that regard, it is about keeping things in a certain kind of perspective. This is the first time I've ever applied these things to fitness, though, and it feels pretty revolutionary to do so. I've known for a long time that I've needed to address this stuff, but I think I was making it into a more gargantuan task than I needed to make it. Sort of like that 3 months at the start of the dissertation when I had writer's block. I knew I "had" to write my dissertation, but rather than break it up into tiny chunks and give myself permission to be imperfect even as I made progress, I instead spent my energy on beating myself up every day for not knowing what the fuck I was doing or for not doing what I "should" be doing. I think I've been doing that with the fitness stuff.

This is not to say that I've got it all figured out, but I do feel like there's been an important shift in approach. And if I can stay in this headspace, I think that's a potentially life-changing thing.

In other news, kitties. It's so funny how different Mr.Stripey is from the Man-Kitty. He just came over to insist upon some attention. You see, he's all about getting on my lap periodically - whenever I'm at rest - and insisting on being petted and rubbed and he purrs like crazy. After a couple of minutes, he then goes off to do his own thing for a while. Sometimes he'll go lay in the bed. Other times he'll go sit in a window in another room. In contrast, the Man-Kitty is not so much about the actual physical affection, but he won't go off on his own - he must be basically in the same room with me at all times. But if I tried to pet him the way Mr. Stripey likes? He would totally be pissed off by that. Not sure what the point of this musing about the kittens is, but I thought I would just note that this is a huge difference between the two of them. Perhaps the difference is astrological in nature? The Man-Kitty is a cancer, and Mr. Stripey is an Aries. Hmmm.

Ok, I think I'm going to go get myself outfitted for working out and get that taken care of so that it's out of the way for the day.

More later, in what I'm sure will be a series of boring Sunday posts.

Feeling Fairly Chipper in Spite of Unceremonious Wake-Up Call from a Very Annoying Cat

Good morning, everyone. So yes, I am awake, and annoyed, because a certain Man-Kitty has decided that the best way to wake me up is to try to destroy books by scratching at the pages and biting them. This is totally new behavior, and I really want to kill him. Now, you might say that this indicates that I should not store so many books in and near my bed, but that's just crazy-talk. Sigh.

The other big exciting news is that the Parents of Crazy are going to come and see her next weekend! I think this will do me a world of good, although I know it shall be annoying as it's happening, at least at some moments. I think a lot of my problem over the past week or two has to do with feeling unsupported by anybody but myself, and well, parental visits can really help with that. I just feel like I want a good heart to heart with my mom, you know? Sure, we talk on the phone, but that's not the same as in person.

So today, I need to do a few more cooking things, but the main agenda item is to catch up with grading and to focus on school stuff. I am so not motivated to do those things, but alas, these things cannot be postponed longer, because I need to get all of this stuff done so that I won't have it on my plate when I have my first "real" stack of papers come in next week.

I think that's everything I have to report on this Sunday. Thanks for all of your nice comments lately, too, everybody. As FB put it last night, I am going through a "weird time" and while that doesn't give me a free pass to be a jerk, it does need to be taken into account. But so anyway, you all are great, my bloggy peeps.

Cooking, Cooking, Cooking

It's only one item on the to-do list, but it is a time-intensive one. That said, I shouldn't have to cook all week long after I make dinner tomorrow. This is awesome.

On the menu for this week:
Banana nut muffins (super-healthy, no oil, whole wheat flour, etc.)
Broccoli soup (made Thursday and frozen)
Chicken enchiladas
Beef enchiladas
Pork chops with turnips and green beans

Yummy, yummy.

I Wish I Weren't the Sort of Person

• Who starts - or agrees to engage in - conversations that she knows will end in tears (hers).
• Who lashes out at the people whom she most loves.
• Who says really hateful things that she knows are hateful and yet she decides they are "the truth" and then thinks that this somehow excuses how hateful they are. It doesn't. She knows that this isn't true, has learned it from brutal experience, and yet can't seem to remember it.
  
• Who expects that the people whom she loves the most will "understand" that she is hateful and teary and melodramatic, and thus not be angry at her and also that they will forgive her immediately, even when she says unforgivable things.
  
• Who thinks "I'm sorry" solves everything, which she has done since about the moment of first speech, even though when she was 7, her parents made her make a New Year's resolution a) not to whine and b) not to say "I'm sorry" and to think that just solves every problem. Apparently she still whines and she still has the "I'm sorry" problem. Count that as a New Year's Resolution that did not work out so well, in spite of her parents' best intentions and efforts.
  
• Who has now become the sort of person who tries to support the "I'm sorry" with both an "I love you" and also with an "but you also have a special place in the acknowledgments of my book." God, that's assholery. Even she can't justify this.
  
• Who wants so desperately and yet doesn't ever seem to quite know what she wants. And yet she expects others to just know intuitively. And to get what she wants, as if by magic. And when she doesn't, she throws a tantrum.
  
• Who gets so jacked up about work-related stuff that all of this bleeds (like a stuck pig) into every other area of her life.
• Who is so used to being secure that when she gets insecure in any way that she totally loses her shit and becomes insecure in all areas of her life.
• Who when she's in this fucked-up place can't seem to think about anybody but herself, even when she sees that she should.
  
• Who writes blog posts in a ridiculous bullet-form, that she thinks somehow explain her freaking out, when really all they do is publicize the fact that she's a neurotic freak, encouraging people who enjoy her blog to try to comfort her, because, at the end of the day, she is an attention whore.

And yet, I am all of the above.

One Last Thing before I Retire to the Whisperer

While at the office today, I was listening to the Pandora, and I happened upon a song that may just be my new favorite song. Apparently of late I'm really into sort of electronic dance music sorts of things. (Think Yelle, think M.I.A. -though admittedly M.I.A. can be a bit more hip-hop.)

But so check this out. I love it so. (Though the video is crap.)



And I just bought it for myself from iTunes as a present for the working out.

MUCH More Important Television Than Silly "Debates"

Tonight is the season premiere of Ghost Whisperer, my friends. Oh yes. It most certainly is.

I love it for so many reasons. Let me enumerate them for you here:

1. It is both spooky enough to be scary sometimes (though I'm scared by most anything - I was a kid who had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island, if that gives you any indication), and cheesy enough to be like cotton candy for the brain.
2. J-Lo Hewitt's amazing outfits (particularly her nightwear), false eyelashes, and outrageously large hair. Medusa (hellooo! you've not blogged in an age and I know you turned that Binder in!) and I used to wonder, what with the largeness of the hair if really J-Lo Hewitt only wears wigs and in fact suffers from Alopecia (a theory that was supported by the false eyelashes). I suppose we will never know until she decides to write a tell-all memoir.
3. The spookiness and scariness causes a heightened sense of emotion, and this plus the formulaic happy ending wherein the ghost has settled it's outstanding business and then gets to communicate with loved ones and then walk into the light? Recipe for a weekly good cry, which is a total stress-reliever.

I am sad that Moonlight, perhaps the cheesiest show of last fall, was cancelled, for I did enjoy it as a nice dessert to the meal that is Ghost Whisperer. Alas, though, I shall survive.

In other news, I am doing very well with the workout routine, and with the healthy eating. This is the perfect project for this academic year, I think.

So Much to Do, Too Scattered to Do It

In fact, I've even been too scattered really to begin this post for about the past half-hour. I feel like writing, and I think it will help me to focus myself for the day, but I keep starting and deleting, starting and deleting. The problem, I think, is that I have a range of things that I need to do that all fall into different categories, and I feel sort of aimless about where to begin. Also, I am lazy, and I don't actually want to do anything. So, what follows will be a boring post about all of the shit that I need to accomplish over the course of today and the weekend.

I. Money Out, Money In (Crossing Fingers)

• Find Checks.
  
• Send Check re: final permission for book.
• Write application for reimbursement for book permissions that I've paid out of pocket.
  
• Go to Target and to Petsmart.

II. Teaching

• Catch up on grading, including grading an exam for one class and grading various straggling things for the web course.
• Catch up on emails with students.
• Prep-related things for two classes.

III. JWIBSNA

• Finally force myself to request letters of recommendation. This cannot be put off any longer.
• Continue to work on materials. Consider whether to send materials and to update later if I get good news about anything, or whether to hold off on sending materials for a week or two in the hopes of getting good news.
• Update website which is woefully out of date.
  

IV. The Homefront

• Cooking, cooking, cooking.
• Cleaning/straightening.
• Laundry.

V. Self

• Work out.
• Mail a couple of cards.
  

Ok, writing all of that, it's not a completely unmanageable list. It is, however, as I noted, all over the place. So the issue is that I just need to organize myself and to figure out how to hit all of these all over the map bases.

Perhaps more later: I've been thinking a lot about my reactions to the debate last night, about how the pundits spin things, about debates in general in this age of real-time media/analysis, etc. I may or may not have something to say about these things. I'm also kind of dying to write about one of my classes, but I can't figure out how to do it in this forum. So. The short version is I think I've got some posts brewing, but I'm not sure when or whether they'll ever be ready to be written.

Why Did I Watch That Debate?

Because I'm wondering what the value of a "debate" with questions that the candidates aren't given in advance is if only one candidate actually, I don't know, answers the questions.

This is 2 hours of my life I'm never going to get back. Sigh.

In Which I Crap Out on the Meeting with the Trainer

Things were crazy at school, and I was tired, and well, I never should have made that appointment for a Thursday afternoon. I did call to cancel though, and I will reschedule. I do think it will be a good learning experience for me. Just not on a Thursday afternoon.

I did, however, eat well (made delicious broccoli soup when I should have been at the trainer appointment), and I did force myself to go for a 30-40 minute fitness walk in my neighborhood. In other words, I feel like I didn't totally fall apart on the fitness thing in spite of falling apart on the appointment thingie.

So, the debate starts in a half hour, and I will watch it, dutiful citizen that I am, but I'm really annoyed that the debate is getting in the way of my Gray's Anatomy fix. Yes, Gray's Anatomy is a totally stupid show, but by Thursday, I am a totally stupid person, and so I enjoy it. So there.

In other news, FB has like 8 research/writing things coming due in the next two months. Who wants to place bets that this will be the reason why I don't see him again until next June? Annoying.

Because of course it's all about me. Obviously.

In other news, I actually have a shitload of stuff to accomplish in the next two weeks. The highest priority thing is that I have to find my checks (because I'm an ass and I don't know what "safe place" I put them in), and when that is done I need to mail the last permissions check (long story on why there was no rush in me getting it to the estate, which can't really be told here), and then I need to do my application for money to reimburse me for the money that I spent on permissions out-of-pocket.

And then there is grading.

Maybe I'll grade during the debate? Hmmmm.

But yeah, those are the most major things I need to do. Oh yeah, and I must get my shit together if I'm going to apply for JWIBSNA.

So there we are on this Thursday night.

In Which Crazy Has Visions of Strange Bridget-Jones-Esque Marker-Marks on Her Body

So I went to my gym today for the first time in, lo, many moons. Before I get to the substantive part of this post, let me note that I really like my gym, especially during the off hours. It's filled with old people and out-of-shape people. And everybody is really nice.

But so anyway, it had been so many moons since I'd been to the gym that a vulture-like trainer swooped down upon me while I was on the treadmill, making all manner of promises about results and offering me a free appointment. Now, I've always resisted the trainer thing. Part of this was just my own independent nature (I am a person who wrote a dissertation in the humanities after all, and that probably indicates a certain amount of resistance to playing nicely with others and/or asking for help with things), but part of it has been that if I actually took the trainer step I'd have to a) allow somebody other than the doctor know how much I weigh, as well as b) measure the squishy bits of me that I'd really rather not know the measurements for. In other words, as much as I think I've historically been pretty healthy in my attitudes about weight and my body (I've never been a crash-dieter, I do recognize the health value of exercise and of keeping weight under control, and I've never felt particularly badly about my body), I still have weird weight-related baggage that I don't like to let see the light of day.

At any rate, the trainer guy, while vulture-like, was nice, and so I agreed to meet with him tomorrow. I mean, what do I have to lose, really? And apparently he has a friend who does the nutrition side of things and he's going to set me up with a free diet plan as well. So. I don't really like the fact that I've agreed to do this, and I anticipate that this is going to lead to the vulture-like trainer trying to con me into actually paying for a personal trainer, which I don't really want to do, but perhaps going through even just this one appointment will help me to a) get over some of my weird weight-related shame, and b) to actually get to a goal weight over the next six months. It also will help me to meet the weight challenge that FB set for me to achieve by January and thus to be able to show him that I'm a force to be reckoned with, which I'll admit, was one of the things on my mind as I sweatily agreed to tomorrow's appointment.

So wish me luck, people. Because I surely will need it.

Ah, How Nice That I Have a Naturally Sunny Disposition

So I woke up this morning feeling less funky (in the sense of being in a funk and not in the sense of having a strong beat and being very danceable.) I did some writing in my journal last night, talked to my peeps on the phone, and just generally spent some time trying to think through the funk and to figure out what's up with me. The night culminated with a really nice chat with FB, who is often annoying but who is also very patient and wise and things that I don't often give him credit for being, at least not publicly. At any rate, he said he'd been expecting the Existential Crisis that I've recently registered to hit around December, so the fact that it's showed up two months early, while surprising because of the timing, isn't really surprising to him in its scope. This actually made me feel much better. See, I was thinking that the whole thing was surprising and stupid and weird, and so it's nice to hear that in fact it was coming all along, and also I feel slightly proud of myself for the efficient timetable that I appear to have when it comes to entering Existential Crisis Mode. I am very self-aware and fancy.

At any rate, I think there are two major things that are combining to make me feel "off," for lack of a better way of putting it.

1. Realizing that now that the tenure materials have been turned in, nothing I do actually matters. You'd think this would be liberating, wouldn't you? Relieving, at the very least? Yeah, I think it's more like being a hamster and having somebody take the wheel that you've run on for five years out of your cage. Sure, you were never getting anyplace running on that wheel, but being able to run on the wheel made you think that you were getting someplace. Take the wheel away, when you're still trapped in the cage, and what exactly are you supposed to do with yourself? Who are you now? What next?

2. Knowing that the book appears this month and that, ostensibly, people could read it and that they will think it's laughably bad. That there are things "wrong" with the book that I've somehow missed. That the book is an embarassment. Again, I'd thought that I'd be excited about the book coming out. That it would be this huge sense of achievement. But no. Instead, I'm feeling totally apprehensive about it, like it's a bad thing rather than a good thing. Add to this the feeling of "what exactly am I supposed to do with myself now?" and "will I ever be that interested in anything again?" and there we are.

But I woke up this morning feeling like this: sure, these two things are forcing me to reevaluate who I am and who I want to become, and sure, that sucks. But also, the way that things have shaken out (i.e., the fact that I've got nothing on my plate right now in terms of must-be-done projects) is actually a good thing, because it means that I can really reevaluate and reflect without excuses not to do so. I can focus on the whole me rather than just on the academic me for a change, and the fact is, I haven't really done that since high school - or at least my first year or two of college. And also, come on: I know that I'm going to be excited and interested about things again, because I'm an excitable and interestable person, and I know that ultimately whatever comes next will matter just in a way that is different from the way things have mattered on the tenure-track, and I know that even though some people will think the book stinks that other people (including people I really respect, like the person who wrote the fancy blurb for it) will think it's interesting and grand and makes a contribution, however small, to the way that we think about the period and authors about which I wrote. So even if I don't feel those things in this moment, I do know that they are true. So to some extent, I think that I have to let myself move through all of these feelings and to come to grips with them while at the same time I know deep down that a lot of this has to do with insecurity and fear of change and all of that stuff - not with the basic truths that I hold to be self-evident about who I am and where all of what I've done fits.

So it's not that the funk has entirely lifted, or that it's gone, but I do feel like I "get it" a bit more than I did yesterday and in recent days. And "getting it" for me always makes me feel better. If I "get it" then I can make plans and strategize and move forward, even as I still feel a bit off. And the more I plan and strategize and make goals and go full steam ahead, the better the likelihood that I'll come to terms with the funk, rather than just wallowing in it.

So it's a sunny day, and really the first fall-like day that we've had in terms of temperature, and while I'm probably going to descend into the funk periodically for the next while, I also feel hopeful that I'm not doomed to the funk for eternity. And what this means, practically speaking, is I need to get some things done so as to stay in a sunny and positive mood as opposed to returning to the place of angst and despair because I didn't get anything done with my morning. And off I go.