Thursday, October 18, 2007

Writing for English Literature Majors

I've spent a lot of time today thinking about student writing, though not in the context of composition. I think a lot of times that people think that the only kind of writing that English profs think about is composition-type writing. Or, conversely, that composition-type writing is supposed to ready students for all writing that they will do at the university level. Well, neither of these are true. While I'm not entirely convinced of the value of composition generally (in part because I'm "good" at teaching it according to all reports and methods of assessment and yet when I see those same students whom I've trained further along in their academic careers it seems to make no difference), I'll say for the moment that sure, maybe it does something for improving student writing or for preparing them for college-level writing. I'm not convinced of this, but maybe it does.

But what concerns me most this semester is the ability of the majors and minors that I'm teaching (many of whom are nearing the end of their tour of duty) to write effectively in literature courses. The bottom line is, from what I've seen, that students at my institution are not getting what they need from courses in the major in terms of training in writing in the discipline. No, they are not.

Now, here are my minimum expectations for what I think an English Major or Minor should be able to do at the time at which they get their undergraduate degree:

1) They should be able to write in a less formal way about literature, reacting and responding to it in a more personal way, because this is where I think more formal writing about literature begins.

2) They should be able to write a formal, short (3-5 page) literary analysis essay about one or two primary texts - no critical sources, something that depends mainly on making an argument and supporting that argument with careful close reading.

3) They should be able to write a research paper (10-15 pages) utilizing primary sources and critical secondary sources. Ideally, they would also be able to include some rudimentary theory, though this is more possible in some contexts than in others. Students should use MLA style correctly.

So here's the thing: my students, at my institution, don't seem necessarily to graduate with the above. They certainly get a lot of work with #1, and they do a pretty good job with that kind of less formal "reaction" sort of writing. And they're great with summarizing what they've read, and with regurgitating stuff from in class. But #s 2 and 3? Hmmmm.

From what I received from my students in my lower-division class for their first papers (of the #2 variety), I'd say that many students (I've only got a couple of sophomores in there, who legitimately might not have the background in doing this sort of writing - most are juniors and seniors, taking the class later than I'd like) are not learning how to do strong close reading in support of an argument in a traditional, assigned-topic essay. Indeed, I am having more than half of the class revise their essays before I'll assign a letter grade, because they just didn't do what was required of them. Note: I gave them a choice of topics. With each topic, I listed three things that the person must do to be successful on the essay, clearly bulleted. All of those that got revisions did either none or only one of those three things. And there was class time devoted to talking about the paper. I ran the topics by my BFF from high school tonight, who teaches high school. She felt like they were really reasonable and easy, so this isn't about the topics, for she assigns stuff that is more complex to her juniors and seniors in HIGH SCHOOL (although secondary ed in her state, and particularly in her district, is much better than the high school situations that my students come from). This isn't about clarity of the topics or of the assignment itself. Also, these students have all already completed comp, if not a great many other English classes. This is about something else.

I'll get to the "something else" in a moment. In my upper-level courses, where I emphasize research more, I have consistently found that students do not have the basic skills with citation, integrating quotations, using critical sources to support their claims, that students with an English major or minor should have. The thing here is not to chastise students for what they're not doing. It's to wonder what I can do to impress upon them the necessity of acquiring these skills and what I can do to help students to their best performance on these sorts of assignments.

Now, what's going on here? I have some theories:

  • Students don't realize the level of sophistication that is really required of the assignments that I give. They assume that they can leave things until the last minute, write the paper in one sitting without any revision, and that they will receive an A.
  • Students have never been taught how to write in a way that is deeply analytical, and so even if they feel "lost" when they sit down to write, they don't have the skills to get "unlost" in order to do well.
  • Students assume, based on past experience with other instructors, that what the assignment claims to require is not actually what the assignment requires. In other words, essays will be graded on a curve. Nobody will fail you if you turn something in.
What part of the blame lies with students?
  • Students at my institution tend to take too many courses in a semester, or too many courses of a similar kind in a semester. While 5 English courses may be doable in weeks one and two, they are not doable when you're in weeks 7 and 8 and when papers start coming due, not unless you're an insane person, as I was in a few semesters as an undergrad.
  • On top of poor course distribution and overload, students tend to have many priorities that come before school, which means that work or family will often come before doing schoolwork. This is actually less true of my non-trad students, which would seem to be counterintuitive, but there it is.
  • Students do not take me up on offers of help, time, or consultation on assignments, in spite of the fact that I spend a lot of time in class explaining my availability and the use that it will be to them. Note: this probably has a lot to do with my second bullet, as students don't have time to consult with me given their busy schedules.
BUT. Why do students do these things? For the blame does not only lie with them. What experiences do students have that make them think that these practices will work for them?
  • In other courses that they've taken, professors do not have a minimum standard. Rather, professors assume that the low end is the best they can hope for from students, and so grade inflation occurs.
  • With the teaching load here, some professors just no longer assign traditional literary analysis essays or even research papers (creative projects are VERY popular).
  • Coming out of a secondary ed situation that emphasizes standardized testing and personal writing, they are even less prepared than I was to write traditional essays.
And there are other factors very specific to my institution that only exacerbate the above related to curriculum.

But my point here is that I do feel committed in my literature courses to teaching students to write about literature. I think that writing about literature enables one to think seriously about it, and that it's difficult to think seriously and deeply without translating one's thoughts into writing. The disconnect comes when students themselves don't take seriously the very clear requirements that I outline, which they've learned that they don't need to take seriously because of institutional culture and prior experiences within that culture.

I don't think AT ALL that what I'm dealing with here, in most cases, is laziness. I think that many of my students honestly don't expect that their professors really have high expectations for them or even really read the writing that they submit. And so then they encounter me, and WOW is it a rude awakening. I comment A LOT - even on A papers - not only on the content but also on the writing. I pay attention to nit-picky things like too much reliance on passive voice and awkward transitions, and I engage with the claims that they make in the form of comments and questions. And I grade according to what I believe they should achieve - not according to what is submitted. In my comments, they witness me reading. And my style is not particularly warm and fuzzy. And no, there are no "creative" options that get them out of doing solid, properly annotated research (although I have rarely allowed a more creative option than the traditional research paper, and in those cases, research, properly annotated, is still required).

So, my own personal crusade, with the small percentage of students whom I reach, is to make sure they get out knowing how to do at least two of the three kinds of writing that I think that they should know how to do as majors (I don't emphasize research in lower-level courses). Yes, I expect them to be able to do careful analysis of a literary text when they leave any literature course that I teach. In upper-level courses, I expect them to be able to do that as well as to integrate secondary stuff. But yet, every semester, I have students who tell me that nobody has ever expected these things of them. STUDENTS WHO ARE MAJORS AND MINORS. This, my friends, is both gratifying (I'm great! They're learning things from me that they've not learned elsewhere!) and disheartening. They SHOULD be learning this stuff in LOTS of other places outside of my classroom.

So yeah. I'm thinking about student writing. And I'm feeling pretty hopeless about it because I'm feeling pretty isolated in the goals that I'm trying to reach.

Why? Just Why Does This Happen?

You're returning papers to students, and you realize one is missing. You never graded it. You never saw it. The student claims that he turned it in along with everyone else. It's nowhere in your stack. Is it lost in another stack of papers? Is it at home? Did the student never turn it in? Who the heck knows. But what a hassle. What a total hassle.

Crazy's Theory of Short Weeks Being Even Longer Than Regular Ones

I know. It makes no sense. We live in a stable space-time continuum, and so it should not be possible for a short week to take longer than a regular-length week. And yet, my friends, this is always how it feels to me.

Having to teach only Wed. through Friday should be a blessing, but instead I feel like the week is DRAGGING along and like I have to accomplish in 3 days what I'd normally have to do in 5. I think it's the way that "break" breaks into the rhythm of a week (which is another way of saying that I'm a really rigid person who doesn't like changes in her work-related day-to-day sort of routines).

But, as part of this being a longer week, might I just mention that one thing that this has meant is that I've had some really good chats with students, and one of my brand new favorite students (who is just so much cooler than I'll ever be or than I ever was, and who's really smart and engaged and awesome) is going to take my upper-level class with me next time? That means I've already got two who are sold on it, and priority registration has yet to begin! Hurrah! (I'm obsessing about the enrollment in this course because it's a pretty focused topic and the material will be difficult so I think many students may shy away.)

Ooh. And this gives me an idea for a post (or reminds me of an idea for a post) that I want to do! But I don't have time now. So there.

(By the way, you all will notice that I'm a scrooge and that I've not participated in the 5 presents meme, as much as I like receiving presents myself. I feel like a loser, but I just know that I'd fuck it up and I wouldn't end up sending out the five presents, or I'd end up getting people really lame and unthoughtful presents that they didn't even like. So yeah, I'm just not doing the meme. Maybe when I don't feel so totally overwhelmed with other crap I shall do a version of it, but for now, Crazy sends no stinking presents and nor does she receive them (frown).)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

More Evidence of My Craziness

I've just spent the past 15 or so minutes seriously considering changing where I get Chinese food from because my Chinese place, which makes very yummy food and is quite economical, changed its fortune-cookie manufacturer and I'm really not cool with the change.

I first noticed when I got a fortune about 2 or 3 months ago, which said, only "Hallelujah!"

Today they made a mistake and gave me two cookies.

The first (and thus I'd say "real") fortune is: "Failure is the mother of all success." I'm sorry, but that just totally sucks as fortunes go. Sure, it's slightly better than "Hallelujah!" which really isn't a fortune at all but rather an exclamation, but it's not in any way illuminating or evocative. It's just LAME.

Now let me crack open my second "fake" fortune: "Take that first step today." I'm sorry, but these are just too lame for anybody to accept. These cannot be my fortunes. I mean, I believe in fortune-cookie fortunes. Like really truly believe in them. And these, they are a sad parody of the art of the fortune cookie fortune. They make a mockery of one of the few things in which I invest faith. It's just so wrong.

But so do I have to find a new Chinese place? I think I might. How disheartening.

RBOC: I Pissed Away My Fall Break Edition

  • Fall break... hmmm.... I seem to remember thinking that I was going to accomplish some things during this brief respite from my regular schedule.
  • I graded like 4 quizzes. And that's it, my friends. I'm kind of an idiot.
  • And I just remembered that I've got to go to an event on campus this afternoon, and then (after remembering to do this) I agreed to meet with a student directly after. This means I won't get home until like 6:15 at the earliest.
  • And I'm giving a test on Thursday that I've not written. Yep, I thought I was doing that over the break, too.
  • You'd think with all of what I didn't accomplish that I'd have some sort of exciting non-academic tales, but no, didn't do anything really non-academic either.
  • Oh, I suppose there was the visit with the parents thing. Ok, well, that was time well spent.
  • OH! And also there was the pseudo-break-up (that I feel like might not be taking properly, which means that time spent on that may be time wasted, though I suppose it's not really wasted time because there was self-reflection and all that, and that's a good thing, right?)
  • And my trip to the salon. Yes, that was something I accomplished over the break - a haircut.
  • I wish I had four more days to do all the crap I might have done over my break but didn't, though. That would be great.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Debut of Cleveland Rocks - The Drew Carey Show

Note the moment with the melons around 2:30. That would be the West Side Market, where Crazy did some time as a seller of vegetables. Go Tribe!

Because You Are Desperate to Know How the Hair Turned Out

This post will not stay up long, just FYI.

And I should probably add the caveat that the hair is flatter than it would be normally because since I can't wash it for two days (letting the color set), my Hair Person didn't use any product at all. Also, the color is a bit deeper than it looks, but you know the flash, and digital cameras, etc., so this is a close approximation. I am very excited for it to grow longer. I feel that it shall be even more fabulous :)

Now you see it, now you don't! Poof!

But So Let's Talk about my Hair

Because, really, come on people! Hair is very important! So, I'm a little irritated because I can't seem to get a hold of my Hair Person to schedule an appointment. I tried on Friday, left a message, and she never called me back. And now I tried again, and again left a message. Does she not know how hard it has been for me to wait this long to make the appointment? Does she not know how much I need the boost of a salon visit?

I mean, sure, I know that she's pregnant and all, and so there may be a very good reason why she can't deal with my hair needs, and I certainly hope everything is ok. But dude! I want to get my hair done! (And I'm actually feeling kind of desperate, and if I don't hear back from her I may defect and go to some other person by week's end, even though I really love my Hair Person.)

But so. Part of the reason why I've been obsessing about my hair lately is because I've decided to grow it out. This is a bizarre decision for me to make, for I generally never make this decision. Sometimes the hair gets longer by accident (I'm busy, I'm in between Hair People, whatever), but rarely do I consciously decide to shepherd my hair through the growing-out process. But so, it's annoying. My hair is currently at that dumb length where it's not quite long enough to put in a pony-tail but not short enough to actually be short. Like it comes to my collar, about.

So I can't really get it cut-cut when I go in to have it done, not if I'm continuing with the growing out. So what is to be done? Because I need SOMETHING to happen with the hair that makes me feel like it's beautiful.

Well. The first thing is that I want to get heavier bangs than what I've currently got. Indeed, I think I found the haircut that I'm closest to transitioning into in the November Elle, which is Eleanor Friedberger's current haircut which is shorter than this one, but has a similar vibe. And then, there is the question of color. My hair is naturally a dark blond, and I've been doing a highlights thing for a while now. My thought, however, is that it might be interesting to go a shade or two darker than my natural color (which would then mean my hair actually matches my eyebrows, which are weirdly darker than my natural hair color). What is most annoying, though, is that all of this speculation is for NOTHING because I can't manage to make an APPOINTMENT with my stupid hair person. (One reason that this is a pain is that she changed salons in the summer, and the new salon is a pretty low-rent establishment without a receptionist, so making appointments is a hit or miss proposition at best and often means just leaving a message on an answering machine, or I just call my person's cell phone, but again, this also often just means leaving a message. I would not put up with this if I didn't love how she cuts my hair.)

Aw yeah, aw yeah! Appointment at 3 PM today, baby!!!!

But let me continue. I don't know, though, whether the Eleanor Friedberger Hair will work. So then I think that perhaps the answer is to do a version of the current Reese Witherspoon, only imagine if it stopped at just about an inch or two above necklace-length rather than being boob-length. (Obviously, the hair would continue growing, though probably I can't count on myself to make it much past collar-bone length). But still, I'm thinking darker for fall. I'm kind of sick of the blond, as much as it's great. Another thing is that my Hair Person said that she'd start a file for me last time I saw her with potential cut/color options, so there may even be options that I don't know about that await me.

What I'm saying here is that while some areas of my life are limited right now, my hair is a land of limitless opportunity and choice. Indeed, in terms of hair, the sky is the limit.

I must attempt to accomplish some things so as to deserve the afternoon hair appointment. All I want to do, however, is to fantasize about my hair.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Choices

I've been thinking a lot over the past day or two about Life Choices. I grew up believing that education gives a person more choices. I think most of us probably did. Most of our students probably still do. This is one of the driving forces behind the expansion of higher education: higher education gives you a wider range of choices for careers that you might pursue, places you might live, houses you might buy, conversations you might have.

In my life, "choice" was always framed in these terms, and the alternative, the closing off of choices, was framed in terms of my mom's life: growing up in a family with a bunch of kids where her parents never owned a home, being the only one in her family to get a high school diploma, getting pregnant at 19, getting married because she "had to," and having life "happen" to her. The idea was, I'd go out and get this education that would mean that my life wouldn't "happen" to me. And, you know, in many ways my life hasn't "happened" to me, not in the way that hers did. I avoided those things that would mean that my life would "happen" to me, and instead, I made a lot of choices that ensured that it wouldn't. Good, right? Except.

This idea that the more education one gets the more choices one has seems to me, now, actually pretty bogus. I think if you get just enough education, that this may be true. (I'm thinking in particular here of my friends who got 4-year degrees in "regular" majors that translated into jobs out of college.) In some ways, at least, yes, it is true that those people have more choices than they would have had without getting a college degree.

But more and more I think that there are very few choices, ultimately, for most of us who've pursued the whole higher education thing to it's furthest conclusion. Choices become fewer as one becomes most highly educated. I can't "choose" to change jobs, the way that I would be able to do if I had gotten a "regular" degree and chosen a "regular" career path. With the glutted market in English, I'm "lucky" to have any job at all. Indeed, I can't even "choose" the kind of institution that is the best fit for what I want to do in this particular career. Indeed, we are "chosen," and we do not choose. We can apply, and hope for the best, but those decisions aren't really in our own hands. (Although if one has an independent source of income, and doesn't "need" a job immediately, one does have a bit more room for choice in this area. As a kid from a working class background, I did not have the choice to apply selectively when I was ABD. And so here I am.)

And even if there weren't constraints based on the market, the reality is that we wouldn't get to "choose" location. People often talk about this in terms of the "two-body problem," but this is a problem whether one is part of a "two-body problem" or whether one just has a "one-body problem." People want to live in various locations for various reasons. You want to be close to family and friends. You want to live in the same place as your partner. You want to live in a small town/big city - just based on personal preference. But in this field, those choices aren't really yours to make. You take what you get. And doing that actually can limit your choices further, because the mobility, in this profession, it is not easy to achieve. On the tenure-track, the whole thing is "fitting" at the current institution. If you "fit" there, and achieve there, it can mean that your prospects elsewhere actually decrease. (She does so well where she is! She's not right for us!)

And let's say even that you could make the above choices. You still can't choose how much money that you will make in higher education. Not really. The range of salaries is pretty limited, even across various kinds of institutions. Take a look at this wiki. It gives a sense of the starting salaries for people hired last year in English, based on location and type of institution (though, clearly, given the length of the list, it's in no way comprehensive). Most starting salaries come in at around 50K. I came into my current position at just about that, and that was in 2003. So did other friends of mine, in different (higher cost of living) places, at other types of institutions, at around the same time. The market, my friends, is stagnant. Even if you try to make more money, you really probably won't. Which means more education doesn't really mean that you can live in any kind of house you want, which might soften the blow of not being able to live where you want if you could.

And then there's the personal life stuff. Let's say that you get all this education, and you sacrifice your personal life in order to do so. Because, remember, in doing this, you are not just letting your life "happen" to you the way that your mother's life and your mother's mother's life happened to them. This is the "right" thing to do, in order to be independent and a feminist and all the rest of it. But so then here you are, with a successful career (that doesn't really mean that you necessarily mean that you get to have better conversations, it turns out, and doesn't mean that you make boatloads of money, and doesn't mean that you get to choose where you live, either locally - in terms of house, apartment, whatever - or nationally - type of town or city or region of the country). Where is your personal life? What options do you have?

Well, if you're single, and if you're a woman, those options are - depending on location, for sure - limited. However open-minded you might be when evaluating potential suitors, potential suitors will see you in a certain way. So, for example, the likelihood of Trade Union Guy from High School dating me would be very, very small, whereas TUGfHS has no problem dating my friend who makes the exact same salary that I do, but who isn't "threatening" because she's not educated herself out of his realm of possibility. (Let's forget for the moment that I don't live in Hometown and so couldn't date that guy anyway, because that guy is dating girls from high school who live in Hometown and not weird transplants to Current City. I'd never even meet the equivalent in Current City.) And so, you say, well, the single female academic just needs to find guys who are not threatened, who either make enough cash or have enough professional success not to be castrated by the PhD or who have a similar level of education. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, perhaps not so much. Perhaps you live in an area of the country where those people are likely to have gotten married in their 20s. Perhaps you live in a place where people tend not to be highly educated - indeed, where the highly educated tend to move away. Perhaps your colleagues don't associate with single people who might serve as potential suitors for you, or perhaps your work-related socializing consists entirely of work people, and remember, English is a pretty feminized field, and so you're not likely to find many prospects there, especially if you're at a very "family-friendly" institution that tends to hire partnered people (for this is one way to keep people here).

And so, maybe meeting people in traditional ways won't work. So you enter the realm of online dating (perhaps the most depressing realm in creation, even more depressing than the realm of "the bar scene," where at least there is alcohol). And that's not so hot, so you expand your realm even further. You meet people online in other ways, or at conferences or what have you, and you entertain things that are practically very difficult to achieve, but yet even with the practical impossibility seem infinitely more doable than what's available locally. (Hee! Infinitely more doable! I'm so Beavis and Butthead right now!) But then we enter the realm of the two-body problem, and again, it's all about location, location, location. And so where can that really lead, if both people have worked really hard to make themselves successful in a profession where relocation is damn near impossible? And so then you can't even call on the phone the person whom you most want to talk to, because you're doing the "right" thing and you're drawing a line. Oh yeah, that's satisfying.

So. Life Choices. One of the things that I'm actually really good at is making choices. I am really good at making decisions, and at seeing the big picture. I'm really good at being decisive. So the question I have, in my current mood, is what fucking decision is it even possible for me to make? I can't choose where I live, I can't choose where I work, I can't choose to be in a relationship that works. What, exactly, is there for me to choose? Because, dude, I'm ready to make the choice. It's just there aren't any choices there.

All there is to do is to choose exactly what I have, and that choice is no choice because at the end of the day, I feel like to do that is settling, and while settling is great when you like the choice that settling indicates, it really sucks when you're not satisfied with what you're settling for. And you might say, well, you need to learn to be satisfied with what you've got. I've been busying myself with that project for years. I'm not satisfied. So what is the choice then? Do you give up the career? An easier choice to make when you have something concrete to give it up for. Do you give up wanting to be in love and to be in a relationship? Is that really an option? I so feel like it's not!!!!!

I've said to my mom that I'd quit my job tomorrow if it meant that I was going to mean that I could have a family. That's true. Her response is, always, how could you give up all of what you've worked for?!?! On the other hand, when she was here this weekend, the reason I had the meltdown was because she basically said that I'd be alone forever if I didn't learn how to compromise. (She says this because she doesn't acknowledge that it's a real possibility. I freak out, because I totally fear that it's the realistic possibility given the current realm of possibility in my life.) The thing is, there is no room for compromise if I'm supposed to be achieving in this job. It's one or the other. Which is it? Do I do everything in the service of the career, or do I give it up to have the "normal" thing? You can't have it both ways. Not if you don't have it figured out before you get more than halfway through the tenure-track. Something has to give, and it's either going to be the job (which I'd be more than willing to have be the thing that gave) or it has to be the personal life stuff. Because neither "just happens" at a certain point.

As I look at my students, I often think I'd have been better off to let my life "happen" to me. Why? Because you can get an education at any time. You can get an education after you have your 11 kids, you can get an education after your divorce, you can get an education after you have a parent die. You can choose education, whatever you've done before. By choosing education first, it means I've not chosen other things. And it means that it makes those other things harder. And that is a rude fucking awakening.

Am I "lucky"? In a lot of ways, sure. Am I responsible for the choices that I have made that have led me to this point? Of course I am. But so the fuck what? Knowing those things doesn't make this make sense. And that's the thing that pisses me off. Being more thoughtful about my situation, or being more deliberate in my actions doesn't make any difference in a lot of these areas. Sure: I could be working digging ditches or in some minimum wage job somewhere, and that would totally suck. But I've done a fuck of a lot of work so that I'm not in that position. And yet, I'm supposed to feel grateful for the position that I'm in. Why? Why can't I be dissatisfied? Why can't I legitimately have an ax to grind? Why can't I wonder whether there is some better possibility than what I've currently got on my plate?

A lot of people would say that I can't feel these things, or wonder these things. Those people are assholes.

Annoying

I need to be throwing myself into work. That was the plan for today, right? But the work I have to do is grading. I don't want to do that.

I did catch up on some emails, which was both good (because hey, I caught up on the emails) but also annoying because one of the emails was related to that essay I talked about last week. It turns out, the reason that the feedback was so mystifying to me was because I didn't have all of the information I needed when I did the revision in August, so of course they had a ton of things they wanted me to do, because I hadn't known I was supposed to have done them. Frustrating. Also frustrating is that after I got their clarification, they still said they'd like the revised essay (which really requires substantial work since I've got to integrate all this stuff I've never considered before) before the semester's end. I replied that it's just not possible. I've got the final book deadline in December, I'm giving a paper on brand new research at MLA that I've yet to begin working on, I'm teaching a new prep this semester and new stuff next semester that I've got to start working on now in order not to die.... Yeah, there's just no way. So, I had to stand up for myself and just explain that I can't do it, and I hate not being able to do things. I will say, though, that I've been doing quite a bit of standing up for myself lately - more than ever before - especially since my birthday. Maybe turning 33 has turned me into somebody who doesn't put up with shit? If so, I'm thinking that this has many benefits, even if it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable and bad.

I am also annoyed that the Man-Kitty is ignoring me today. And that I don't have anything yummy in the house to eat (although I've got tons of food - just nothing seems appetizing - and actually, nothing seems appetizing in the world either, so maybe I'm just not in the mood for food, even though I want to eat?)

Ok, I think I have to grade now. Sigh.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Lockdown?

Medusa suggested a cathartic Lockdown post, in part because I probably need to go into full-on Lockdown mode (although you can't really choose Lockdown - it's more an automatic thing), and in part because the world would benefit from a deeper understanding of this little-discussed phenomenon.

A few caveats first: 1) Medusa really should probably be writing this post, as she is the one who coined the term "Lockdown" for what I will describe, and 2) everyone has their own variations on the process that I will describe, depending on personal inclinations, and 3) if I'm honest, Lockdown is not fully achieved in this situation, and there is a bit of a way to go to get to the ultimate point-of-no-return. The final "Red Alert" sirens are going off, and the 3-minute countdown is happening on the main control panel, but there is still the possibility for the process to be aborted.

So Lockdown. Ok, you know in movies, like the brilliant Armageddon, where the world is facing possible annihilation by, like, a rogue meteor or something? Perhaps some images will help (also courtesy of Medusa, who explains the experience primarily through deep analysis of space films).


Or like in the end of the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when there is the final battle in The Initiative? Well. What often happens is that there is a sequence in which the spaceship or headquarters or whatever goes into "Lockdown" mode. This often includes the automatic locking of a series of doors and things start running on generator power. The sound effects are something like, ka-chggh, ka-chggh, ka-chggh, as the various doors start locking. A lot of people tend to run around, trying to secure the perimeters of the location, and to do complicated procedures to shut down very complicated and high-tech operations. As Lockdown progresses, a siren begins going off (Wah! Wah! Wah!) and a countdown clock begins ticking, in red numbers, down to the moment when the whole thing will go kablooey.

Well. This is not unlike what happens when a relationship finally reaches what seems to be the point of no return. First, a small alarm goes off. (Imagine a computer-generated and friendly female voice piped through the loudspeakers: "Lockdown will commence in 17 minutes.") Now, at this point it's still possible to engage a pretty commonplace protocol to avert Lockdown, but often, a lot is going on, or the person who's supposed to be monitoring headquarters is on the phone or eating a sandwich or they suffer from space dementia or something, and so that protocol is not engaged. Then, the doors begin automatically locking. Ka-chggh. There's another protocol that can be engaged in this dire situation (more technical), but remember: people don't usually familiarize themselves with this little-used protocol, so success is not likely. Finally, the sirens sound. Wah! Wah! and then, well, you see, there is no turning back. Maybe if some sort of amazing thing happens, the process can be aborted, but only manually, and only with some pretty ingenious and unbelievable acrobatics, an effort that has nothing to do with common and carefully outlined procedures. It takes a renegade of immense bravery and practical experience, along with a good amount of smarts, to achieve this. It will likely involve a stick of chewing gum, some barbed wire, a tube of lipstick, and scimitar of some sort from a long-dead civilization. And perhaps some witchcraft. Barring all this, aborting Lockdown is pretty much an impossibility. And even if one tries to abort, many may die in the effort, and it still may not work.

And so. Now with the metaphor fully articulated, here's where the Lockdown process usually begins for me. I reach a moment when I realize, somehow, that there is just no point in hoping for things to go forward. Or I feel that way, anyway. The relationship is limited, deliberately limited, and it's entirely outside my power to make what I want to happen happen. So, there are two options. You continue on, hoping for something to change but completely passive, or Lockdown begins. The process of totally shutting down to avoid the potentially disastrous thing. Sure, it will mean destruction, but ultimately, not everything will be destroyed. The threat will be averted although much will also be lost. The internal computer sees danger, and institutes a set of procedures that, while drastic, will avert total annihilation.

As with the movie-version of Lockdown, a series of things begins happening. That first friendly voice that indicates that Lockdown will commence? This often takes the form of some sort of spat followed by a heart-to-heart about needs and wants and things. And then nothing changes. Then, the locking of doors. I lose the ability to talk to the person. I'm bitchy. I push the person away, and I refuse to listen to whatever it is they have to say. And then the siren and the countdown. A big showdown. I say things that I regret even before I say them. Things that are true, which makes them worse than if I were just stupidly mean. Things you can't take back. As the countdown progresses, I do things like the following, to prepare for the final kablooey:

  1. I announce what's going on to everybody I know, including, apparently, the internet. This is important, as it means that it's very difficult to go back from the Lockdown process. One doesn't want to be the girl who cries Lockdown and then is like, woops! False alarm! Also, it means that everybody can get Y2K ready with their transistor radios and canned goods in case there is any fallout.
  2. Spontaneous crying. Usually accompanied by maudlin journal-writing. Very important to spend some time on self-reflection before the whole project implodes.
  3. The compilation of a playlist (in former times, the making of a mixed tape) to serve as a sort of message of pain for posterity, should I not survive the inevitable conclusion. Sometimes, along with this, there is the writing of a letter to the person who inspired the Lockdown, which will later be accompanied by the mix, for if one can't be with a person, it can make one feel better to show them exactly how hurt one is by the whole thing.
  4. Throwing oneself into work like it's one's job (hee!).
  5. Beauty rituals, ideally including some sort of haircut and color.
#s 1-3 have been in effect throughout the day. #4 will go into effect tomorrow, and I hope #5 will happen on Tuesday. But. There was also a conversation with FB today. A conversation that left me sad, but less sad than I've felt since the sirens started going off. I know where he stands; he knows where I stand. We're not going to communicate for a week. The question is, during this week, will either of us find the requisite immense bravery, practical experience, smarts, stick of chewing gum, barbed wire, tube of lipstick, scimitar-from-long-dead-civilization, and witchcraft to abort this process? Is either one of us that kind of renegade? Is either one of us Bruce Willis?

(If we judged this on hair alone, he'd be much more likely to be Bruce Willis than I would be. But hair, in Lockdown, is not necessarily all.)

If I were really fully committed to the Lockdown, I'd not be asking those questions. I wouldn't have even had the conversation with him. It wouldn't have been necessary. See, here's the thing about Lockdown. It's FINAL. There's no going back from it. In some ways, that makes it kind of like a miracle. Because they'll show back up, in six hours, six weeks, six months, six years, and you just feel.... nothing. You might have a fondness for what once was, but now they're just silly to you. Sweet perhaps, endearing, but you'll never give it another shot with them. Not really. You might toy with their affections a bit - like when they try to talk you into marriage pacts or to come visit you - you might be their friend, have sex with them, and feel a very real affection for them. But they'll never be a real possibility again. Not even if you try to make them that or if you wish they could be that. Nope. Once Lockdown has truly occurred, that's it. And either you can both be happy with the outcome of that, or happier than you'd be if you just never spoke again, or you just won't be in one another's lives. Of course, a side effect of Lockdown is that it also makes you dead inside, but that, at this point, is neither here nor there.

I really would like to be surprised here. I'd really not like to fall back on the shut-down that Lockdown indicates. But I can't sacrifice myself totally. I can't leave myself open to the kind of pain that would result from just going on as if it will all work out ok when the signs are so clear that it may well not. And you know, that's the thing that scares me most, actually. That I know that I've reached my limit, and that I've got this limit. It's the limit that makes me fear that I'll just keep having this sort of relationship conclusion and that I won't be able to get it together to be anything but alone. Because I've done this before. And I'm great at it. I'm not sure that this is a talent of which to be proud.

But so, if you ever need a Lockdown Soundtrack of your own, you might make do with the one that I've created today, should you not be so inclined to spend your final stages of Lockdown on such a project:

  1. Red Red Red - Fiona Apple
  2. Those Three Days - Lucinda Williams
  3. Poison Oak - Bright Eyes
  4. Ootinschenia - The Be Good Tanyas
  5. How to Say Goodbye - The Magnetic Fields
  6. Ez - Pete Yorn
  7. Divorce Song - Liz Phair (I know, a cliche, and this isn't exactly a divorce or anything, but such a great song.)
  8. I Don't Believe You - The Magnetic Fields
  9. See You When You're 40 - Dido
  10. Elephant - Damien Rice
  11. The Last Day of Our Acquaintance - Sinead O'Connor (see notation to track 7)
  12. Bridges - Tracy Chapman
  13. Please Do Not Let Me Go - Ryan Adams
  14. Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
  15. The Desperate Kingdom of Love - PJ Harvey
  16. Fidelity - Regina Spektor
  17. Things that Disappear - Rhett Miller
  18. Stop Your Sobbing - The Pretenders
And if you're looking for conversation unrelated to this, it may well be that Crazy Medusa's Lounge will be open for business tonight (remember: it is my fall break, so I don't have teaching responsibilities to keep me out of such unsavory establishments), so you might head over there just to check in. (You may also head over to Medusa's, to check out her most excellent supplement to this here post.) I know a few of you have lamented that you've missed previous nights out on the town (er, internet). Here's the thing with Medusa and Me. If we make real plans with you, we're likely to end up bailing at the last minute and just staying in to watch TV or to cuddle up with our respective pets and a good book. This is the way of Crazy and Medusa, historically. Indeed, it may be why we have been such good friends for the past ten years. But the point here is this: you snooze, you lose. Sooner or later, you'll find your way to our watering hole at a time when we are available. Do not fear :)

When It Rains It Pours

So the day began with the stupid argument and meltdown with my mom. The day continues with what appears to be the definitive demise of my fake relationship. Emotions are running close to the surface; I feel stressed and pissed off and alone. And the only thing that makes any sense is this stupid job, and let me tell you: I'm sick of this stupid job being the only thing that makes sense, especially because it's one of the biggest reasons that I can't seem to make sense of the other parts of my life.

But so I'm indulging in some self-pity, and I'm wallowing in the demise of the fake relationship, and tomorrow I'll stop with the indulging and wallowing and start with the repressing and the moving on. Sounds like a fun way to start the week, no? At least it's fall break, so I won't need to put on the happy face for students. Thank God for small favors.

Another Visit, Survived

Well, the Parents of Crazy just left, and I would say it was a 75-80% great visit, but then, of course, I had a meltdown this morning. Why does my mom have such a knack of making me freak out? Why can't we ever see each other without me losing it, totally? Ugh.

But again, other than the major meltdown this morning, it was a good visit. And now I can take the next three days to recover from it.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Poetry Friday - Nikki Giovanni

"Habits"

I haven't written a poem in so long
I may have forgotten how
Unless writing a poem
Is like riding a bike
Or swimming upstream
Or loving you
It may be a habit that once aquired
Is never lost

But you say I'm foolish
Of course you love me
But being loved of course
Is not the same as being loved because
Or being loved despite
Or being loved

If you love me why
Do I feel so lonely
And why do I always wake up alone
And why am I practicing
Not having you to love
I never loved you that way

If being loved by you is accepting always
getting the worst
taking the least
hearing the excuse
And never being called when you say you will
Then it's a habit
Like smoking cigarettes
Or brushing my teeth when I awake
Something I do without
Thinking
But something without
Which I could just as well do
Most habits occur
Because of laziness
We overdrink
Because our friends do
We overeat
Because our parents think
We need more flesh
On the bones
And perhaps my worst habit
Is overloving
And like most who live
To excess
I will be broken
In two
By my unwillingness
To control my feelings

But I sit writing
A poem
About my habits
Which while it's not
A great poem
Is mine
And some habits
Like smiling children
Or giving a seat to an old person
Should stay
If for no other reason
Than their civilizing
Influence

Which is the ultimate
Habit
I need
To acquire

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Collaboration, Pedagogy, and the Realities of My 4/4 Load

And some other things too.

In the comments to this post, Rokeya and I have been having a conversation, a conversation that emerged from a passing comment that I made about a syllabus I'm developing, which then led to the following question from Rokeya:

Moving on, I am curious about the etiquette at your institution in terms of enlisting the help of colleagues for these kinds of teaching-related issues. For instance, would it necessarily be read as a burden if you approached a colleague about this, or would your colleague feel honored that you would try to draw on his/her expertise and thus be likely, time permitting, to agree? The reason I ask is that this seems to be something very much determined by institutional and departmental constraints that I would like to hear more about. If the answer to the above question is "it would be seen as a burden," this brings up a really interesting and important question about what kinds of limits one finds at a teaching-intensive (here I mean 4/4 load) institution for feminist collaboration, or collaboration period, especially with regard to teaching.


In a comment prior to this one, Rokeya had suggested that I invite a colleague to come in to guest lecture on a topic that is not directly in my area of expertise. In my reply to her, I had noted that I thought that it was a good idea, but that I wasn't sure whether it would be practically possible, or whether such a request would be fair to one of the colleagues in question. And so now, I want to do a fuller post in response to this question, because I feel like it's a question that often doesn't get asked or answered, really. Before I begin, though, let me just state: I'm talking about my particular institutional context only. I would never suggest that all "teaching-intensive" universities look like mine, or that everyone's experiences would be the same. With that in mind, I welcome people to comment if their experiences differ from mine.

With this in mind, let me provide some context for what things are like at my institution. We are a relatively new (read: late-60's, early-70's) university. Historically, we have been funded way below similar regional institutions in my state, let alone the gap between us and the flagship and other main research institution in the state. When the university was founded, there were no local community or technical colleges in our area of the state, and so the university in many ways filled both a community college and a university role. It began as an entirely commuter campus, a place where people enrolled if they had absolutely no other options. I am in a very conservative area, with a lot of racial divisions and in which misogyny (or at the very least an accepted sexism) is pretty common both at the institutional level and in the student population. My campus is almost entirely white, even with efforts to "internationalize" and to increase ethnic diversity in terms of ethnic minorities from the United States. Now, my university is changing rapidly. We started with a mission that was all about educating the masses. While that is still the mission in many ways, just in my time on the tenure track here, we've stopped being totally open-enrollment, and the mission has become much more community-oriented, while at the same time research expectations are increasing. I don't think we'll ever be a research university, nor do I think we aim to be, even with the increased emphasis on developing grad programs (which tend to be "applied" programs). There's a big emphasis on us being a new kind of university, which is both exciting and difficult. That said, our teaching load is the teaching load of our inaugural mission, and does not reflect the true expectations in play for acquiring tenure. Teaching alone is NOT the thing that will get you tenure here anymore. Don't let the teaching load fool you.

It's also important to note that at my university there is a culture of dropping out after tenure for many faculty members. Unlike at other institutions, junior faculty bear the brunt of newly more rigorous service expectations. This isn't true for all tenured folks, for many around the university and within my department are very active. That said, many also feel like tenure affords them the option of ignoring the changing mission of the university.

What this has meant for me is the following:

  1. I do an extraordinary amount of service. In the first year, I was basically protected. I was on one pretty inactive department committee, and I judged some writing contests. After the first year, things increased exponentially. First, service is huge here. We must demonstrate service in at least three areas in order to achieve tenure: department, university, and community. Professional service is also highly desirable. Because of the recent emphasis on "community" in terms of the university mission, community service has become the most visible (and most important) kind of service that one can do. This must be connected to one's field in order to count (so no, you can't just volunteer at a soup kitchen or something). In some fields, this is easier to accomplish than in others. In some specialties within my own field (note: not my specialty), this is easier to accomplish than in others. Another thing to note is that the university no longer counts advising as service for tenure/promotion purposes. It is "teaching" apparently. (Obviously I think this is bullshit, actually for a great many student-centered reasons, but never mind that for the moment.) If I were to average the time that I spend on service, as if it didn't happen in big clumps but rather happened in regularly scheduled time slots every single week, I would average that I spend 5-8 hours a week on service. (Clearly it doesn't really work that way though - some weeks include like 20 hours on service, some weeks none.) I should note that when I was on the market last year and interviewed, people noted on more than one occasion that they couldn't believe the amount of service I'd done and that was expected, in the context of telling me that they wouldn't expect such things of me. I should also note that my mentors were astonished that I'd managed to publish at all - let alone the amount that I have done - given my service load.
  2. Research, while not really rewarded, is valued (nominally, as it increases the prestige of the institution) and expected. The minimal expectations are two conferences a year and one published article in a peer-reviewed journal at the time that one goes up for tenure. Not onerous, really, but given the vagueries of academic publishing, this can be stressful, unless one has absolutely no life. This has not been stressful for me because of a series of happy accidents and because I have absolutely no life.
  3. Teaching is a 4/4 load. Three of the four courses are definitely going to be "service" courses, and typically two of those service courses for me have meant teaching composition. Note that I am not a composition specialist and that composition has nothing at all to do with my research. Also note that composition is grading-intensive, and the majority of comp courses at my university cap at 22 (the NCTE guideline for caps in composition is something like 16) and when I began it was 24. The third "service" course is typically a survey or a course like introduction to literature. The fourth course is one in one's specialty BUT. If you don't make your minimum enrollment, then you will be given a fourth service course. If you do not teach upper-level non-service courses in your specialty, you will have difficulty getting tenure. On top of this load, I have approximately 25 advisees. I'd estimate that about 10 of them want to meet with me each semester. These meetings take approximately 30 mins. each. On top of those "official" advisees, it's not unusual to advise students who are not officially assigned to me, so add another five to that original number of ten per semester. But so for the four courses, we've got 12 hours a week in the classroom, and probably a minimum of 12 hours a week for prep (before you've got the courses under your belt, maybe less if you've taught things multiple times). This is not counting time that you need to spend reading novels and such. It also doesn't count grading time, which you probably spend at least 3 hours a week on top of prep doing (and that's a conservative estimate, imagining that you're the most efficient and organized person in the world). This does not count time spent responding to student emails or meeting with students. Add another two hours per week for that (again, a conservative estimate).
You'll notice that I allotted no hourly estimate for research. Let's just add up the teaching and service for the moment. That puts one at 39 hours, approximately, ignoring the research component of the job. That figure also ignores responsibilities like department meetings or "visibility" things like chatting with colleagues in the hall or attending workshops about teaching or advising or whatever, which are also essential for achieving tenure, as if one isn't "visible" then people think you're not really "committed" to the institution. (I've got a colleague who had a baby last summer, and she often is scolded for not being more "visible" - even though in her first year-and-a-half at our institution she's served on a search committee and taught 11 service courses.)

So, this has been a long explanation of my situation. Let's return to the question at hand about collaborative teaching. Any request on top of that load is a burden. Even if one wants to do the thing that is being requested. Even if one believes in the thing that one is being requested to do. Any request cuts into one's life, and most requests are almost entirely invisible given the number of "required" things. If you are a committed person, and you do a good job at the tasks you take on, you are only given more things to do. If you are a slacker, there are few consequences, particularly after tenure. Any thing that you agree to take on as "extra" takes away from something that you "must" do. This is true even for me, a person who has a fairly mainstream and conservative field of specialty and research interests. I have friends who specialize in areas that contribute more to the "diversity" mission, and they are not merely overburdened - they are assaulted by any request above and beyond the minimum. And if they say no to whatever is requested, they will face dire consequences for doing so. And yet, they face dire consequences for saying yes, too.

This week, in the brief interactions I've had with all but one of my colleagues (and that one is on sabbatical and has a specially titled professorship), everyone has dark circles under their eyes and is entirely harried. Overworked. Lost. Part of what needs to happen is a reduction in teaching load, which would fall in line with the true mission of the university as it now stands. Except that some of the old guard (some of whom have been around since the early 70s) don't really recognize the ways that the university has changed, or if they've recognized those changes, they think that they are a bad thing, and so they resist that change, because it would mean that the university that they will retire from won't be the same university that they signed on for. And so because the 4/4 works for them (because the new requirements aren't something that they have to address, because they've been tenured for 20 or 30 years), they resist moving to a lower load. They also resist expecting more of the students who enroll, because they think that the students in 2007 have the same issues that students in 1977 had. The administration isn't invested in moving to a lower load because it will affect the bottom line, and this is a business, at the end of the day. So expectations increase, and they do so on the backs of the faculty, and particularly on the backs of junior faculty. Our university has "always been one where faculty do more than the minimum," and if you don't agree to do so, then you're not "collegial" or you're not invested in the success of the institution. Again, this affects can affect one's ability to achieve tenure comfortably.

So what "opportunities" are there for feminist pedagogy and collaborative teaching? You know, I don't know. I feel like my department is actually really humane when it comes to recognizing the pressures that faculty face at this institution. That said, we're still overburdened. My colleagues still don't have enough hours in the day. Since coming here, seriously, I've not thought in any real way about the possibilities for collaboration that Rokeya suggests in her comment. I've seriously not thought about much other than keeping my head above water.

And so on to the "other things" that I promised. I'm not sure that it's fair to expect any professor, male or female, feminist or non-feminist, in any institutional context, to be collaborative in their teaching or to address any particular issues in depth in their classroom if those are not in the professor's field of expertise. I certainly don't expect my colleagues who focus primarily on race/ethnicity to invite me into their classes to guest lecture on issues surrounding sexuality or gender that they don't concentrate on in their own work, nor do I expect them to offer the focus that I would offer on those issues in their classrooms, when those are not their areas of expertise. What I would hope is that they would encourage students to take a course or two with me. I would hope that they would acknowledge their own weaknesses and direct them to courses that would supplement those weaknesses. This is not to say that I believe we should ignore those things that we are not expert in, but it is to say that it is not pragmatic in all situations to give full voice to every single issue in every single class. And in a job situation like mine, I am reluctant to pile more work on the backs of colleagues who already are overworked. I'd much rather say, "Hey, we're not addressing these issues in depth in this class, but if you want to explore them more deeply you should take Dr. Postcolonial's class next semester because it's really great and you'll learn a ton." That helps students, because it means they'll get a more in depth treatment of things that I couldn't adequately cover, and it helps my colleagues, because it will mean that they won't need to worry about their upper-division enrollments, their courses not making. Again, this doesn't erase the necessity to address multiple perspectives in a given course. But it does mean that one need not address all perspectives (whether they have to do with race/ethnicity, gender/sexuality, class, The Canon, whatever) in a full way in every single course that we teach. We have colleagues, and a full curriculum in a major, for a reason. It's because all people can't do all things, nor should they, I think. My students need my perspective. Not as the one true perspective, not as a perspective in which weaknesses aren't acknowledged, but as an expert perspective about the things that I've studied for years. I'm not certain of the value of diluting that perspective in favor of addressing things in depth that I'm not really qualified to address in depth. Note that I'm not in any way saying that it's ok not to address race/ethnicity at all, or that it's ok not to address any other issue (class, gender, sexuality, whatever) that is pertinent. But given the practical realities of what it is to teach at an institution like mine, I do think it's ok to address an issue in a less than expert way and then to direct the student to another course if they want to study that issue in depth. I don't think that such choices constitute bad pedagogy. I don't think that such choices necessarily constitute tokenizing or marginalizing pedagogy. I think that such choices constitute a viable option, a responsible option, for dealing with complex issues that have no easy answers.

Local Celebrity?

It is rare that anybody cares about work that I do. I mean, seriously. But because of an item in the news today, my work all of a sudden matters. And, like, regular, non-academic people want to talk to me for, like, interviews and stuff. Strange times indeed.

(And, yes, I plan on saying "like" exactly that many times in any potential interview. It's all part of my campaign to alert people to the fact that English professors really do talk like "normal" people and so people need not "watch their English" around me.)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Up to My Old Procrastinating Tricks

You know, those ones where I make myself believe that wasting the afternoon and avoiding tasks that I should not avoid is ok because I'm doing other work - generally, work that needs to be done in approximately 3 months.

That's right, folks. It was a day of syllabus design. For Spring. Why did I decide to do this today? Well, I have been receiving desk copies of anthologies for a couple of weeks now, and I have wanted to look through them. And also we got an email that we needed to get fliers advertising our courses in by Friday if we want them posted on the bulletin board. And how could I possibly do a flier if I didn't know what I was teaching? How could I attract students when I had yet to design the course? And don't forget, I've got a stack of papers to grade, and what's more fun than writing a syllabus when one should be grading?

But so yes, I spent approximately 3 1/2 hours figuring out readings and a course schedule and methods of assessment - the whole shebang. The only stuff I didn't do was the narrative parts of the syllabus, with learning objectives and such. And can I just say, that this course will be a TON of work (for them and for me), but it's going to be so awesome! Soooo so totally awesome!

Now, the rest of this post is going to go poof in a day or two because I don't want the specifics of the course to be out and about on this blog for all eternity, but I do want to tell you all about what I've done specifically.

*poof to the specifics*

But so I'm pretty happy with how the assignments fit together (really, all roads lead to the final paper and exam) and I'm super-happy with the way I've divided up the readings and the units. The one thing I'm not terribly happy about is that the syllabus is pretty white, but one course cannot do all things, and of course they could explore multi-culti issues in their paper if they want to do so. Edited to add: I addressed this last comment that I made about the "too-white" syllabus in comments. I sort of misrepresented myself. If you're concerned that I'm marginalizing issues of race/ethnicity in the course, I'll direct you to the comments to see my fuller explanation there.

But so yeah. That's what I've been doing today. Because I'm a fool.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

RBOC: I Really Can't Wait until It Cools Off Edition

  • Because let me just tell you, I do not have a vast enough warm-weather teaching wardrobe to support 80+ degree temperatures from August through October. They say the cool front is coming. I'll believe it when I see it.
  • Last night FB insisted that the "wowzas" to indicate updated blogs in the sidebar have had their day and that I should change them. And so then I said, "excuse me, but why does your opinion matter about this?" and then he said, "well, I bet your other readers find them irritating, too," and I said, "well, we'll just see about that," but then also said, "and what would you suggest I switch to if I get rid of the 'wowza'," and, typically, he had not a clue (lame). So, dear readers: 1) should I change the "wowza" to something else and 2) if so, what should I change it to? Perhaps this can be a sort of a contest. If you think it should stay the same and that FB should mind his own stupid business, feel free to let him know that as well :)
  • Oh, and speaking of FB, it is as yet unclear, but I have a strong suspicion that it's not me who can't watch the Indians for fear of hurting their chances but him. Apparently he has a history with this sort of thing. It totally figures. It's as if he walks around with his own personal storm cloud above his head.
  • In other news, I'm feeling so pleased with myself that I got all necessary grading done last night! I'm not entirely pleased that I will have to give the stuff back today, but well, there we are.
  • You know why else I want the weather to change? So my allergies won't continue to make me a watery-eyed mess every morning (when the Claritin has worn off.... I'm usually fine within the hour, but dude, it sucks to have to rely on the allergy medicine to this extent).
  • Ok, enough of the RBOC for now, as I really need to get myself ready and head off to school. Tra la!

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Grading, It Goes...

And fairly swiftly, too. One batch of tests is done, and overall I'm pleased with how they did. The second batch is a bit shakier, but still fairly good. I'm probably going to bump the grades a bit when I'm done, as I may be being a bit too hard on them. I've still got a stack of papers to grade beyond this, but those don't need to be returned until Thursday at the earliest. From glancing through them, I may push back returning them until next week, as they do not look terribly promising, and I'm not sure that I can face them this week. We shall see.

Other than that, I have just two words for you: Go Tribe!!!

(What I will do with the Red Sox/Indians match-up I really have no idea. I suspect that it will be much like the playoffs in 1999, when I stupidly cheered no matter what happened, much to the dismay of my current and future boyfriends (don't ask), both Sox fans, with whom I watched the drama unfold.)

Update 10:45 PM: I have turned off the baseball, as I fear that by watching I am actually hurting my beloved Cleveland Indians. Yes, I know this is insane. But I feel that my interest may actually be helping the Yankees, which is so not a cool thing. No, no it isn't.

But the grading, it is done. Hurrah! And I didn't end up bumping up the second batch of tests, as I'm pretty happy with the distribution. So there we are.

In Less Cranky News....

I heard from my editor and he sounded very pleased with what I sent him. So now it's just a matter of finishing things up for the final go-round. So even if I'm feeling frustrated in other areas, things with the book progress smoothly.

What does not progress smoothly is grading. Why? Well, because it's very difficult for grading to progress when you're procrastinating. Ah well, I've promised stuff back tomorrow, and they will get it back tomorrow if it takes me all night! This is my solemn vow! But first I might need a wee nap.... and then I'm going to dinner with BFF. I think starting around 8 PM sounds totally reasonable, no?

(And of course it's not reasonable, but that's what I'm doing in any case. So there.)

And So Another Week Begins

And I am c-r-a-n-k-y. Part of the reason that I'm cranky this morning is because I just got comments back on an essay. This essay was accepted for a collection like 3 years ago. It has been through like 4 major revisions (for others: not counting just general revisions I do throughout the process that nobody but me sees), the most recent of which happened in August. And yet, still another set of comments. Lengthy comments, that really change the substance of the essay yet again.

Now, I know I suck with criticism, and I know that I shouldn't be frustrated and impatient, but dude, maybe my essay just doesn't belong in the collection as a whole? Maybe the reason that they keep coming back wanting me to do more and more things to it is because it just doesn't fit with what other people are doing? I don't know. I suppose part of what I'm bristling at is the fact that the longer this process goes on the less resemblance I feel like the essay has to any of my own ideas. And while I generally have absolutely no integrity or commitment to what I write and I will do whatever readers want in order to get something to publication, even I have my limits. It's only one essay. If they want me to do all of what they say that they want me to do, do I have 300 pages in which to do it? Because I'm not sure it's possible in 30 or even 40 to address the whole of feminist criticism, add in yet another theoretical perspective, deal with crap related to aesthetics, and still to talk about the authors and primary texts whom I claim that the essay is about. (I should note that this whole thing began as a 10-page conference paper, so clearly it's grown way out of control throughout the revision process.) Look, I know what I'm doing is wacky. I know that it doesn't really fit in with work that other people are doing on the authors that I examine, and to be honest, I'm not sure that it really fits with the theme they've chosen for the collection. And I know that the fact that I believe that authors aspire to something we might call "great writing" may for some be... problematic... especially for those who think that looking to place texts in 21st century criticism means that we can't talk about things like aspiring to aesthetic greatness. But dude, these are the things that I'm thinking about. I'd rather be dropped than to have my ideas revised out of the essay, especially after I've spent as much time on it as I have done.

The problem, however, is that I've made a commitment to people to do the essay for the collection. I honor these sorts of commitments. I feel like they are important. But I honestly want this thing out of my life. I'd rather they just dropped the essay from the collection and then I could send the thing out as-is to journals and see whether I had any better luck with that. I'd rather not have the commitment to do substantial revisions in the spring (because I've told my friend who's editing the collection that I can't even look at it until after MLA, and yes, that's another layer of complication, that I'm friends with the editors) when I really need a fucking break and when I've set it up to have a break. And, let's be honest, when I don't believe that doing these substantial revisions is going to mean that this thing is any closer to publication.

Which, of course, is nobody's problem but mine. I'm being whiny, and I need to just suck it up and get over it. I sent a reply email expressing some of (well, probably all, just slightly more nicely) these frustrations, so we'll see what comes of that.

All of this is a long way of saying that it will be a very long time before I submit something to an essay collection again. A very long time indeed.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Slowly But Surely Recovering....

Well. Today I taught what I think were two pretty good classes, and I graded something that I'd totally forgotten I hadn't graded. I also paid bills. These are good things.

Now the marathon of grading really commences, as I just got another batch of papers in, and I really need to get caught up within the next week. Another thing I need to do is get my application stuff in order for the few jobs I'm going to throw my hat into the ring for. And then there is the house cleaning. All in all, I'm feeling much more relaxed now that the bills are paid and that the one miserable grading thing is done. Also I need to update my real life website, which really has fallen by the wayside this semester, which I don't like.

In other news, I added some new folks to the blogroll this morning - if you'd still like to be added and I somehow missed you, give me a shout in comments. And to all of you who delurked (and for those who took the opportunity to say hi, if you've been a regular commenter in the past but haven't commented in a while), hi there! And thanks for the compliments on the blog - they are very nice to hear! I actually think I've got a post brewing that will be entitled something like "Academic Blogging: The Next Generation," as one thing I noticed in particular about this particular delurking is that there really is a new crop of academic bloggers that's just started up, and people really have a lot of interesting things to say. On the one hand I don't feel like I've blogged for very long at all, but I suppose blogging years are a lot like dog years - One year in Blogworld is like Seven Real Life Human Years. With that being the case, that would mean I'm about 21 years old! I feel like that calls for shots or something....

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Ugh, Grading

I have not done any of my grading, mountains of which came at me last week. And tomorrow I get another set of papers. This is not good.

But I cannot make myself grade. (Lest you all think I'm some crazily productive and organized person, which might be the way I've been coming off lately.)

I think I'm giving myself permission not to grade. I think that's the only thing for it. I can grade this weekend. And dude, 2 weeks is the industry standard for getting things back, and I'm only at one week in two sections and a week and a half in another. And I feel like even 3 weeks is moderately reasonable, depending on the circumstances. So really, I'm not a bad person for not grading.

(Incidentally, I've been exhausted for the past two days. It's been all I can do just to prep - grading just seems too overwhelming and daunting a task even to begin. I suspect this is some sort of after-effect related to the book manuscript. I've decided that I should go with it rather than fight it.)

What is sad is that all I really want to do is not to do anything related to school and to just spend about 5 days cleaning my house. Sadly, this just can't happen. I did take out the trash and run the dishwasher today, though, which I suppose is something. Also made delicious pasta for dinner (with homemade puttanesca-ish sauce) and so at least I'm eating decently for a change. This, to me, seems like I'm heading in a positive direction, even if I'm not doing my grading.

Disciplinary Divides

The recent conversations that have been going on about ageism (I'm too lazy to link, but I'm sure you've all seen them at this point) and then a comment to Dean Dad's post today have me thinking a great deal about how humanities disciplines are viewed in the broader academy and in the world generally and the real gap in communication between those in the humanities (broadly, though obviously I'm coming from the perspective of somebody in English) and those outside the humanities. The comment that got me riled up enough to write this post was this, from Sam Chevre:

Serious question: if you look at a course catalog today, does it have more courses than it did 20 years ago?

I make a distinction between disciplines and courses; it's my very uninformed impression that in many of the humanities disciplines, there are many more courses than there were in the past.


Now, I'm not going to repeat my comment that I left in response over there, but first let me say that I think that this question was genuine, and I don't think that the commenter was consciously dismissing what we do in the humanities. BUT. I think that there is a widespread notion that what people do in the humanities doesn't really count, that people who are in the humanities have perspectives that are somehow divorced from reality, whether we're talking about the realities of academe or the realities of the real world. I think that the common perception is that those in humanities disciplines are throwbacks to another era, who languish away for far too long in PhD programs and who produce nothing of substance at the end of it, who do not believe in the forward movement of higher education, who don't add anything to new knowledge, who don't teach students necessary skills. Thus, the genuine question about why we might have added more courses over the past 20 years. I mean, Shakespeare is still Shakespeare right?

I think that often we in the humanities do a poor job of communicating the value of the work that we do, and so when discussions arise about the future of higher ed (especially in the context of funding) the humanities become an easy target. Sure, educated people should know some history, some philosophy; sure, they should have read "the classics." These are "core values" of a liberal arts education, and they are not to be missed. But they don't really *matter* in the same way that science matters, right? They "enrich" the intellectual life of the individual, but they don't have broader capital beyond that, right, in the way that, say, more "practical" disciplines do?

Obviously, I don't believe that this is true. But from talking to my students and from talking to people outside of the humanities, this seems to be a common way of interpreting the role of the humanities in higher education.

So what do I think that the role of the humanities is, if not just to serve as some kind of luxurious bonus for those who are lucky enough to attend college?

The work that is done in the humanities allows us to see the world from perspectives outside our own. The work that is done in the humanities, generally, allows us to change the way we think.

So no, the work that I do is not going to result in a cure for cancer or discover a new system of government that will result in world peace. The work that I do is not going to make headlines or set the world on fire. But the work that I do will result in more conscious people; it will result in giving students a language with which they can critically engage with the world around them; it will result, I hope, in people asking new questions and seeking out new answers for old questions. To me, that has as much value as anything else that happens in the realm of scholarship or that happens in the university classroom. So yes, we might have needed to add some new courses to the curriculum in the past 20 years. People have had new ideas in that time, and we should be teaching those to students, even if we are in non-technical disciplines where those new ideas don't "matter."

Update: If you haven't caught this, you should really check out Michael Berube's September 24 post over at Crooked Timber, which for me really resonates with the stuff I was thinking about yesterday. It's geared toward the English Literature curriculum and canon specifically, but, as one might expect, Berube talks much more specifically than I did and in ways that are totally awesome. And indeed, it is always 1987 in the canon-debating world, which makes me wonder: do the Surly Curmudgeons all wear hypercolor clothes? And if they do, perhaps they can let the rest of us know who their supplier is....

Hey! Hello! Are You Lurking? Time to Speak Up!

Saw this over at Maggie May's, and thought that since I'm preoccupied with a million and one things that some De-Lurking Fun would keep my readers busy. Say hello! And also, if you're not on the blogroll and you'd like to be added, let me know that, too! And if you don't want to speak up (because you're shy, what have you) then of course this is your prerogative. I don't mean to be a big bully :)

The Great Mofo Delurk 2007

Monday, October 01, 2007

Psst: Guess What?

Except for fixing (what seems like a) minor formatting glitch, and for dealing with the Table of Contents, I'm.... done.

Now, done does not mean done-done. I've still got the index ahead of me. And permissions. But yes, it's true. I worked for like 9 hours today - 7 of which in my office at school (with the odd interruption from a colleague giving me chocolate, because I looked like I needed it, and a brief chat with a student) - and apparently I am.... done.

And I am fucking exhausted.

And I haven't prepped for tomorrow.

And I haven't graded.

And I really need to pay my bills (though thankfully I did remember to pay rent).

And I seem to be losing my voice (although I have no idea why, as it's not like I've been talking much).

But I am.... done(ish).

I don't even know how to talk about it.

Time to enjoy a glass of wine, and to get ready to watch The Hills.

Update:
You might be interested to know that the formatting problem I described was totally silly and it took me approximately 15 mins. to fix. Everything is done! Done! And only one day after my internal deadline to be done! I'm really, really pleased with myself about this. Now it's time for me to have a much-needed night of relaxation (although I should grade, but look: I deserve a little break after yesterday's marathon). And thanks for the congrats, y'all. You know, I really feel like I should thank my blogging peeps in the acknowledgments, but that would surely out me, no? So I keep trying to come up with a euphemism for "blogging peeps" that sounds scholarly and serious.... and that doesn't actually mention "blogging." Any ideas?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

When Working Feels Like the Thing to Do

So, as with yesterday, I had a lot of difficulty being productive in the daytime hours. This is about the rhythm of when it feels natural to do research for me. I've never been good at being a daytime writer or a daytime researcher. I usually get the itch to start on that sort of work in the late afternoon and early evening, and when I try to force myself into productivity earlier, I do much less well with producing anything that's any good. I can sometimes change my internal clock in the summer, when I have lots of unlimited time, but it's not natural. What's natural is to start working around 5 PM. This is just the way of me, and I need to accept it.

And today I did accept it. I thought a good deal about working before then, but I couldn't settle in to do it. But since I started? I'm speeding right along. So the plan is that I'll get everything I can done at home tonight, and then I'll work through the day tomorrow in my office at school until the thing is printed and finished and mailed off. One thing that helps is that this is an internal deadline for the manuscript - not the final deadline for delivery to the publisher. That's a full two months away. And so, I'm chugging right alone, and I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm accomplishing.

In other news, have I mentioned that I'm growing out my hair? This is an annoying thing to be doing, and one that I'm not really good at doing. Because of this I can't legitimately get my hair cut for another two weeks, and it's driving me nuts. And even when I get it cut, I can't really do more than get a trim (although I think I will get a heavier bang, and I'm thinking a lot about color). Anyway, in a trip to Walgreens yesterday, I attempted to stave off the hair boredom by buying lots of silly things, all centered on the idea of creating volume. So today I experimented with velcro rollers to boost the hair a bit at the roots, and it seems to be a success! Who knew I could do something so easy and be so pleased with it?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

So It's Still Not Done....

But I edge ever closer to being done. The problem today was that apparently I needed a day of rest, and so I didn't start working until like 6 PM. Not ideal. That said, I worked solidly and I addressed the most difficult part of the revisions that were suggested, so tomorrow is fairly smooth sailing with typing in changes, Doing the nit-picky once-over of the whole thing in which I also look at the bibliography and notes, and dealing with formatting stuff. I'll need to do one last close reading on Monday because I'm an idiot and I teach things that I research and so the book that I need is in my office. That said, I somehow managed a day that was both very productive and very relaxing.

Needless to say, my house is a STY. Which is the main reason why I've got to get this thing out of my hands, so that I can live like a human being again. You know, doing things like vacuuming and showering.

You know, it's times like these when I wish that my personal life were more... stable? figured out? That it existed in only one time zone? As much as I needed and wanted to be left alone all day today, right now I wish that I weren't alone. It's so easy for the work to be all-consuming, and if you don't have a person or people who take you out of that, well, I'm not sure that's entirely positive. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing in my personal life.

I had thought, when I got this job, that my personal life would just be very different from what it is. I'd been living with a guy for three years and it was understood that when I was done with the PhD that we'd get married. That was how things were supposed to go. But when I got the job, he left. And so now here I am, with this life that I never thought I'd have. And I've done all of the things that you're supposed to do in order not to be a lonely person. I've done the online dating thing, I've done the going out thing, I've done the going to events that attract single people thing, and yet here I am, typing on a fucking blog at 11:40 on a Saturday night.

But what's weird, too, is that the blog has brought more new people into my life than any of the other shit I've done. Real people, with whom I have real relationships. The problem is, though, that as much as that's a good thing, it means that the real relationships I've developed are all elsewhere. And I don't want my life to be a long-distance life, ultimately.

Which, of course, is why with the final stages of the book I freaked out on FB yesterday, because the thing is, the last thing I've ever wanted is a long-distance relationship and yet I seem to find myself in one. One that is incredibly crazy and impractical and that is, in many respects, having trouble getting off the ground. And so now I'm at this breaking point with it, where it either needs to go further (terrifying) or just end (which isn't what I want). But it's all wrapped up in this job - the fact that I even know him, the fact that we're both so fucking retarded about it, the fact that I feel like he knows me better than most people I've dated in real life (including the guy that I lived with for three years) have ever known me. This profession makes it so fucking hard to just have a normal life. A lot of times I feel like my biggest problem is that I thought the personal life shit would just take care of itself once I had a job. But you know, getting a job only made that shit harder.

Because the thing is, the job is... rational. I know what I need to do both in the specific job I'm in so that I do well and in the wider field so that I gain in reputation. The steps are clear, concrete. It's all manageable. You just do a/b/c and then x/y/z happens. Or maybe y or z fall through, but still, you're on a path. And it's not unlike knowing the rules of how to do well in school. I've always been most comfortable in that area, and so it's the thing that I fall back on, the thing that makes sense even when nothing else makes any sense. Which then ultimately means that the job eats away at the personal life stuff, even though I want the personal life stuff to be a priority that actually comes before the job.

I think some people feel about relationships the way that I feel about the job - like it's the thing that makes sense to them even when nothing else does, like it's where they're most comfortable. Some people have spent their lives knowing how to "do" them. They don't have all of this fucked up static when it comes to them. My mom is like this. So is my friend A. But for me, that's always been the thing about which I've felt most clueless. And so when I've ended up in relationships, it's always felt like an accident. Kind of like a car accident - you are doing your best to avoid getting into one, but then suddenly, there you are exchanging insurance information. That's kind of how I feel about my personal life right now. Like ultimately I don't have any control over it and like I don't know what I need to do to get where I want to go, now that the wreck has happened.

And so my response to that is to put it all on FB - to make it so he needs to make a move. In part, he *does* need to make a move, but the way that I'm insisting on it has as much to do with my insecurity and feeling of just not knowing what the hell I'm doing as it does with the fact that it's his turn, so to speak. And so I know I'm not really being fair, but I don't know how to be fair. I don't know how to apply the determination and focus that I have in my work life to my personal life. I don't know how to be competent.

So why am I writing all of this here? You know, I'm not really sure. I think it's because I do feel a connection between Major Work Events for me and Personal Life Freak-Outs. The two always seem to go hand in hand. And I also think that I'm writing about this here because I wonder whether this is just me being fucked up or whether this really is related to some of the idiosyncrasies of this profession. I wonder if I'd be the same if, for example, I'd gone to law school and settled down in my hometown instead of choosing a profession that would fling me into an unknown location. I wonder if I'd be the same if I did a job that didn't demand that I analyze the fuck out of everything, because, you know, it's hard to turn that shit off. I wonder if I'd be the same if I didn't specifically choose to work on stuff that focuses on fucking sex. I mean, the fact that I spend all of this time thinking about relationships in books has to have something to do with the fact that I can't seem to manage them in my own life. I wonder if I'd be the same if I hadn't internalized quite so perfectly academia's demand to achieve at all costs.

So yes, these are my thoughts on this lonesome Saturday night. Oh, and also that the movie Failure to Launch is both entertaining and totally enraging at the same time.

Friday, September 28, 2007

TGIF? Kinda

First things first: I love you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I love your fantastic show The Ghost Whisperer. The season premiere had everything: Jay Mohr (who may play the most awesome professor character ever), scary parts, a great nightgown, and I cried my eyes out at the end (which is one of the reasons I love the show - instant catharsis). In addition, I am totally on board with the Vampire Show that follows your show, Moonlight. Mick St. John? Awesome Vampire Detective? You had me at hello.

In other news, I edge ever closer to being done with the book, and I should put it (mostly) to bed tomorrow. Yeehaw.

The other bright spot in my day was that I participated in a feminist pedagogy discussion group that was fabulous. And I may (though I've not fully thought it through yet) get a new baby kitty cat for the Man-Kitty.

Why only "kinda" then on the TGIF? Well, last night I sent a sort of Come to Jesus email to the FB. And now I've got to call him back. (He called while I was sobbing to The Ghost Whisperer, and I thought it best if I didn't answer just them.) So I'm going to call him back, but then I think I'll be heading over to the Lounge, if anybody wants to join me. Medusa's on a date (ish), so depending on how things go, she may stop by as well.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

You Know That You're at Your Wit's End When....

  • Everyone, including students, keeps asking if you're ok.
  • You lose your senses and freak out in a department meeting.
  • You've been spending the past 20 minutes deliberating about whether or not it would be a good idea to drink a bottle of wine.
  • You have two sets of tests and a few straggling papers to grade, in addition to a book manuscript to finish.
  • You've been on the verge of tears more than once today.
  • You are annoyed with the precious Man-Kitty who won't just leave you alone for god's sake, even though you know you've been gone all day and he misses you.
  • You actually uttered the phrase "God Almighty" in exasperation in your office today, totally unironically.
  • You know that you should eat dinner, but you keep thinking that a bottle of wine could actually serve as dinner.
  • You hate everything. And everyone.
  • You're considering picking a fight with your Fake Boyfriend, or really anybody, just because you want to yell at somebody.

I suppose this, too, shall pass, but damn. I am in one bitchy mood today. I'm totally stressed out, and I'm sick of all of the shit that I have to do. Sick and motherfucking tired.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

An Update on the Book

So. I worked on it all afternoon. I've still got miles to go before I put the thing to bed, but I've addressed or made notes about how to address all of the comments that I got back, and I went back through the report (in spite of my hatred of actually dealing with criticism of my work) to figure out where I stand with the thing. The prognosis is fair.

So, tomorrow I've got a meeting in the late afternoon, but I only teach for one hour and I've got one office hour. The plan is that during the office hour I'll work on typing some changes in and get through the changes in the two chapters that need the least work. Then, I'll go to the gym. I'll go home and shower and get some food, and then I'll head back to the office. I'll (I hope) get through another chapter before the meeting. When I go home tomorrow, I'll start working through some of the more substantive changes on another chapter.

Thursday, I'll get through all of the other minor changes.

Then comes Friday, the hard part. In one chapter I need to do a lot of revamping with organization in order to make illuminate the argument that drives it. In another chapter, I need to do some major fleshing out, some reorganization, and a brief digression into analyzing another novel.

Then I shall watch The Ghost Whisperer and have a much needed good cry (I hope) when some earthbound spirit enters the light.

Then Saturday, I'll finish with all the changes, and deal with formatting issues (which will most likely mean going into the office, sigh).

Sunday I hope shall be a day of rest.

Monday I will print the motherfucker out and mail it off. And then I will await word from my editor about final editing stuff and the index, and I won't need to think about the thing until November, when I will make the final push.

A note about the editing I'm doing: in large part, I'm feeling very positive about the manuscript as a whole. It is so different from the dissertation. A reader caught but one sentence that was terribly jargon-y, and only two sentences that were weirdly abstract and incomprehensible. Overall, the writing itself is strong. Also, I'm confident that what I'm doing is truly new work that really does make a contribution to my field.

As for the writing itself, can I just say how much I think the blog contributes to the fact that the writing is strong? While this thing is based on my dissertation, it bares so little resemblance to that document in terms of the strength of the writing. I also think it's notable that feedback I've gotten indicates that the strongest chapters are the ones that are most revised or actually new additions to the manuscript. I've found my voice as a critic over these years of blogging, and while I think my voice was strong in the dissertation (indeed, it's the only full-on compliment I ever received from my adviser, when he told me after my defense that my dissertation was actually pleasurable to read) I know that I've really found it now. That's not to say that it won't change or develop, but I have a confidence now in my writing voice that I didn't have when I submitted the dissertation, and that confidence, I think, has a lot to do with the project of writing regularly for an audience. No, my academic voice isn't identical to this one, but developing this voice helped me to find my academic voice.

As for the content, well, I am so indebted to my adviser for helping me to pursue the line of inquiry that I chose. In many ways, my work has very little to do with his, but his influence is still all over the thing, in ways that are totally positive, I think. My relationship with him is a weird one for many reasons, but perhaps the best thing about it is that he never wanted me to be a miniature version of him: he allowed me to pursue my own ideas while offering me his expertise. It wasn't warm and fuzzy, but it also wasn't some sort of dictatorship and I was never an extension of him and his work. I'm a better writer for having written under him, and a better thinker for having thought under him. Of course, because of the nature of our relationship, I can never actually tell him this, as we'd both be terribly embarrassed by any such conversation. But if I'm anything as a scholar and as a mentor, I've learned how to be that from him. At the end of the day, he respected what I was trying to do, and he didn't impose himself on the project. For that I am so, so grateful.

So is the book "good"? I think that it is. I'm sure there are things about it that can be stronger. It's not perfect, and it's not going to be even after the changes. But I'm proud of it. And I will be so fucking happy to get it out of my life.