tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post6308112051270781506..comments2024-01-28T03:35:51.182-05:00Comments on Reassigned Time: Bad Daughters, Bad Fathers, Etc.Dr. Crazyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12457967076373916629noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-15961493272320506752009-03-26T03:18:00.000-04:002009-03-26T03:18:00.000-04:00This is messed up...I found your blog because I ha...This is messed up...I found your blog because I had literally Googled "my father is dying and I don't even know him". The day you posted this my father had a massive heart attack and blew a hole in his heart and had emergency open heart surgery. He also has prostate cancer and is diabetic to boot. It's been a very hard week for me, mostly deling with my mother and her incessant nagging of him.<BR/><BR/>They've been divorced for almost 25 years and she's still bitter. I take the same stance as you as far as their divorce went, but now feel like my mother is butting in and not acknowledging that he's a human being and has made some mistakes and God forbid if she ever did anything wrong...blah, blah, blah. <BR/><BR/>I say go if you feel like you need to. I couldn't handle the thought of possibly never seeing my father again and I told him I loved him (something that has never happened) and I feel immensly better now. Along the same lines of your thoughts, we've never had a "good" relationship, but I don't care about the past anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want a chance to get to know him as a person and not just a father who has been in and out of the picture.<BR/><BR/>Sorry for the novel and I hope things are getting easier for you to handle. I also have a new blog on my faves. :O)cargonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16441354535954554311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-71228734854644504112009-03-19T18:17:00.000-04:002009-03-19T18:17:00.000-04:00I'm sorry you feel so alone Dr. Crazy. You definit...I'm sorry you feel so alone Dr. Crazy. You definitely do not sound like a bad daughter, you sound like a good one. Do whatever will give you peace and not give you any regretsPsycgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13476028853857792495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-57740324152547830212009-03-19T09:30:00.000-04:002009-03-19T09:30:00.000-04:00What Bobba Lynx said. This situation is beyond the...What Bobba Lynx said. This situation is beyond the Manichean good/bad thing.<BR/><BR/>Time is short. Visit when you can. Sort it out later.Charles Montgomeryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17489538189139910055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-11878065514190898472009-03-18T14:52:00.000-04:002009-03-18T14:52:00.000-04:00I'm sorry you are going through this situation, it...I'm sorry you are going through this situation, it really sucks. I have had a similar kind of falling out with my father although for me it happened much later in life after my mom died. I typed up the whole long story but I think I won't post it: the highlights include him cutting off my mom's family entirely, ignoring me and my brother in favor of his new wife's grandkids, stolen inheritance, borrowed money not paid back, refusal to keep in touch at all. I gave up on him but then he emailed me on my birthday and I called him to talk. He was disappointed I hadn't invited him to my much-belated college graduation (I think like you I wanted to punish him), but he handled it better than he has any other time I did something he didn't like. That made me think it might be ok to try to have a relationship with him. So I started calling him but after the first couple of calls, he stopped picking up, never returned my calls, and now he's changed both his phone numbers. So, that's that. I dread having to deal with a situation like yours. It sounds like you are navigating it in a way you can be at peace with, so that's really good. It's all you can do, really. I wish you the best and I hope you can have a good visit.humanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09557354324364735817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-2642073197677046732009-03-18T13:57:00.000-04:002009-03-18T13:57:00.000-04:00These things are so complicated. I realized from r...These things are so complicated. I realized from reading your post several layers of things about my own vexed relationship with parents - esp. the parent for whom I do not want to make excuses, but whom I understand.Professor Zerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04909063513731044826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-64700200737421391312009-03-18T11:15:00.000-04:002009-03-18T11:15:00.000-04:00crazy, i have no advice.i will say that you are no...crazy, i have no advice.<BR/><BR/>i will say that you are not alone.<BR/><BR/>((((((((crazy))))))))<BR/><BR/>and i will be thinking of you.Maudehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11918488082176862598noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-51880651206309003682009-03-17T20:56:00.000-04:002009-03-17T20:56:00.000-04:00More hugs from our corner. I've been thinking of ...More hugs from our corner. I've been thinking of you.<BR/><BR/>I don't want to presume here, but when you talk about how at this moment, you are finding some resting point on the idea that your father tried and failed, I recognize that--as a father, actually.<BR/><BR/>Parenthood, I think, makes it really quite easy to believe you've ever succeeded at it. I never kiss the kids goodnight, and think: "Ah! Today I was a successful father!" Instead, I think of all the tiny failures, , this sharp word, or that moment of discipline or that time when I wasn't up to playing, and how I may have let one of the kids down in a big or a small or a snowballing, cumulative kind of way. <BR/><BR/>Even though I think I'm doing ok so far, I also know that many times I'll look at a stretch of time when I'll be wearing the dad hat for a while, and see nothing but a stretch of possible failures. It's hard to understand any way to succeed as a parent when all you can see are opportunities to screw it up, or worse, ways that you have screwed it up.<BR/><BR/>I'd imagine that for fathers who believe that they've already screwed up (maybe often, or maybe in a big way), it may be hard to understand that simply <I>being</I> a parent is a large quotient of being a good parent. and that failing as a parent is impossible to avoid. <BR/><BR/>And for you, "failing" as a "good daughter" is no easier to avoid. I hope that you can continue on a path to forgiving yourself for those moments. Because you're a good friend and teacher and kitty owner, and daughter, too...Horacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15662740021328265642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-36249127654273746722009-03-17T17:33:00.000-04:002009-03-17T17:33:00.000-04:00Ah, Crazy. I feel for you, I send you hugs.And hav...Ah, Crazy. I feel for you, I send you hugs.<BR/><BR/>And have you, perchance, seen _The Wrestler_? Cool Scientist Friend almost had to walk out at one point. But if, sometime later, you want to see a character portrait of how someone could totally mess things up but never mean to, watch it.Sisyphushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09880634753539329199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-29302064747094044712009-03-17T16:33:00.000-04:002009-03-17T16:33:00.000-04:00i must delurk. your blog has always resonated wit...i must delurk. your blog has always resonated with me, at times so much so that i worried my friends would suspect i was the author! : ) but today is almost too much: my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a month ago (stage IV), and i have the same ambivalence about how on earth to put a bow on our tumultuous, uneven, often horrifying relationship. i will be thinking about you in the coming weeks and reading carefully.Terrihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16918286498766351046noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-78907487198148344252009-03-17T16:02:00.000-04:002009-03-17T16:02:00.000-04:00Go. It doesn't matter who "for" at this point. It ...Go. It doesn't matter who "for" at this point. It doesn't matter if it makes you the "bad" or "good" duaghter. It just matters, so go. If people who don't know you but follow your blog and are honored by your willingness to share this count, you are, at least, less alone.Bobba Lynxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04950360201668859990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-21581407625090699412009-03-17T13:38:00.000-04:002009-03-17T13:38:00.000-04:00I so relate to this because I've gone back and for...I so relate to this because I've gone back and forth on the good/bad daughter/father thing in my own experience. I think my dad would admit to being not swell, but he's also spent a lot of time when I was younger blaming me for not calling him etc. That used to upset me until I realized one day that, dude, I was nine. <BR/><BR/>point being, I really relate and it sounds like you have a healthy perspective on your own failings and his without demonizing yourself or him. at the same time, I agree with dame eleanor that some people's bests aren't very good and not nearly good enough. and for that I am sorry, I'm glad you had G., and I wish your stepmother's best were a little better at the moment.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-18120175934768903242009-03-17T11:49:00.000-04:002009-03-17T11:49:00.000-04:00Reality is successive instances of "now". History ...Reality is successive instances of "now". History is not involved. Be with your father near the end of his days and he will be with you for the rest of yours.<BR/><BR/>Robert (arkaye)Roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05437679084230597130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-10524968521856188212009-03-17T11:46:00.000-04:002009-03-17T11:46:00.000-04:00It sounds like you've done a good job putting your...It sounds like you've done a good job putting your relationships with your parents into perspective and accepting everyone, and their faults, weaknesses, and mistakes. It's really too bad that your mother and step-mother can't be better supports for you. How about your aunt? She might be a good person to spend time and talk with and make you feel a bit less alone. It sounds like your visit will be incredibly difficult, but it also sounds like a good thing to do.life_of_a_foolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05427532203981697246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-79259171097453670392009-03-17T11:18:00.000-04:002009-03-17T11:18:00.000-04:00Crazy--what Susan and everyone else said. I'm sor...Crazy--what Susan and everyone else said. I'm sorry.Historiannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10615954696251174822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-66381769275772266312009-03-17T10:17:00.000-04:002009-03-17T10:17:00.000-04:00My first reaction is to say "No you are not alone,...My first reaction is to say "No you are not alone, WE care" even if we are just names out here in blogland, but I think a lot of us really do, which has something to do with how much someone human and caring and deeply committed comes through in your blog. Luckily Kate is right and you do have folks in your real life who also care.<BR/><BR/>But I do want to say you are SO, SO not a bad daughter, you've done a lot to make possible what relationship you do have, and not gotten tons of help. I'd go on Friday, 'cause wtf, your not going to regret it.<BR/><BR/>But mostly, (((((vibes)))))Comet Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08358854145437716070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-53751554519417029062009-03-17T10:16:00.000-04:002009-03-17T10:16:00.000-04:00You're alone as far as dealing with your family, b...You're alone as far as dealing with your family, but there are a lot of us who understand the bad-kid, bad-parent, have-I-done-enough, etc. situation. People do the best they can, and some "bests" aren't actually very good, or at least not what's needed, and some people might do fine with different children (parents, spouses, whatever) but are a bad fit with the ones they have. Death really underscores the tragedy of what, in better times, is just the way things are. Clear communication helps, and I'm sorry you're not getting better (less conflicted) information.Dame Eleanor Hullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06512884104691200975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-69960822295438561032009-03-17T10:01:00.000-04:002009-03-17T10:01:00.000-04:00(((((Crazy)))))))As suggested above, do what you n...(((((Crazy)))))))<BR/><BR/>As suggested above, do what you need to for you, not for him/them. Rant where/when you can, grieve for what he gave up, mistakes on both sides, be angry... all for you. For him? I have no clue. The words are easy; the doing is the hard part.Bellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10849272391043604637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-80883778968191145202009-03-17T09:57:00.000-04:002009-03-17T09:57:00.000-04:00You are not actually alone. I don't mean this in a...You are not actually alone. I don't mean this in a, yay, we're all a bloggy family way, but that you do have family who loves you and probably think you're a more than spectacular daughter, especially given the circumstances. They feel for you right now too, I imagine.<BR/><BR/>In any case, lots of hugs to you right now. If you're having trouble deciding what to do, choose the option that seems most interesting, rather than the one that you think is "right."Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16995641658376827290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-46577354077637794912009-03-17T09:52:00.000-04:002009-03-17T09:52:00.000-04:00I can also relate to this; I was estranged from my...I can also relate to this; I was estranged from my dad before he died and I have two stepmothers who at times did their best to keep me away from my dad (although he did the best job of it by becoming an alcoholic). It is tough to reconcile all of the past, especially the shitty stuff that you can only feel partly responsible for because you weren't an adult.<BR/><BR/>My mother (who would never win a 'parent of the year' award herself) was a teacher and got to see a lot of parents and kids struggle with life. She said to me at once point when I was wondering aloud how to be a parent: "parents do the best they can." And I think she's right, and I think it applies to kids too; most of the time we do the best we can, there is no real 'failure' or 'success', no 'bad' or 'good' - there is just life. <BR/><BR/>You are going through some extremely rough stuff right now. Hang in there, but let go when you need to. Take care of yourself, and let others care for you.grumpyABDadjuncthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00996252815514179671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-78529687938683286032009-03-17T08:19:00.000-04:002009-03-17T08:19:00.000-04:00I relate to some parts of this.I know that you are...I relate to some parts of this.<BR/><BR/>I know that you are not a bad daughter. His choices do not reflect badly on you.<BR/><BR/>A friend of mine's therapist says that the main obligation in a family is parent to child -- not child to parent, not sibling to sibling... So, the state of your relationship with a parent is primarily up to that parent.<BR/><BR/>I think it's generous of you to interpret your father that way. I don't have the energy to interpret my father generously.<BR/><BR/>I hope you find a way to do what you need to do in a way that's right for you. Situations in which there are no "right" answers are difficult.BrightStar (B*)https://www.blogger.com/profile/11167685794935402108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-26608743057892379572009-03-17T08:12:00.000-04:002009-03-17T08:12:00.000-04:00All I can say is that I am so very sorry, and I th...All I can say is that I am so very sorry, and I think you are doing as well as you can.exwoolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15661126800966192045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-65466025681766674712009-03-17T02:06:00.000-04:002009-03-17T02:06:00.000-04:00I think you should do whatever gives you the most ...I think you should do whatever gives you the most peace. And I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone in all of this. I hope you are able to find some peace with the situation.~profgrrrrl~https://www.blogger.com/profile/15280731948424317624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-22364490856021335832009-03-17T01:41:00.000-04:002009-03-17T01:41:00.000-04:00(((Crazy)))Really, I just wanted to acknowledge th...(((Crazy)))<BR/>Really, I just wanted to acknowledge this. You know, you're very smart. And grown up. I wish for your sake that you were not so alone in this, that your step-brothers were older, etc. But anyway, just to affirm what you are doing, at this point, you do what you do for yourself. So you go on Friday mostly because it matters to YOU to have gone, and it may matter to him that you went.<BR/><BR/> I'm also a stepmother,though, and while my guess is that your stepmother was just insecure, it really blows my mind that she has worked so hard to keep you away. As if your father's love for his children was a zero sum game... I also realize how fortunate I am in my stepmother.<BR/><BR/>My word is misting, which is what my eyes did while reading this.Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09716705206734059708noreply@blogger.com