tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post2446263145571870437..comments2024-01-28T03:35:51.182-05:00Comments on Reassigned Time: No, This Won't Become the Death Blog, But...Dr. Crazyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12457967076373916629noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-3544832735502444382009-01-12T22:27:00.000-05:002009-01-12T22:27:00.000-05:00I totally get the I'm an asshole/not really thing:...I totally get the I'm an asshole/not really thing: that's where I was for the last few years, with my parents. Do as much as you can, and recognize it when you're at your limit. Your dad's regrets may be a stage he can move through. And sometimes crappy movies, or the equivalent, are the best we can do to be present. I wish you well.Dame Eleanor Hullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06512884104691200975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-30977063268090724032009-01-12T20:38:00.000-05:002009-01-12T20:38:00.000-05:00Oh, Crazy. It's just so hard. I hope you find a ...Oh, Crazy. It's just so hard. I hope you find a way to continue a relationship with your brothers because it's true, you knew your Dad in a way they never will. I agree with everyone else too, that you should bring food. Before you go you might ask your stepmom if your dad has any food issues. There are some great cookbooks and resources for people with cancer that take into account both taste and ability to digest.Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09716705206734059708noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-50528652198636123492009-01-12T16:45:00.000-05:002009-01-12T16:45:00.000-05:00I agree with the others - taking food is a wonderf...I agree with the others - taking food is a wonderful thing to do. I'm sure that they have so many other things on their minds that food/cooking isn't at the top. People tend to send food after a death/funeral, but not many remember that a family dealing with a terminally illness need this sort of help before the death, too. Cooking is good! <BR/><BR/>btw, your oldest younger brother sounds like my younger brother - he was an athletic 6' by age 12 and ended up 6'6". <BR/><BR/>It sounds like your being there was as important for your step-mom and brothers as it was for your dad. That seems like another very good reason for the visit. Those things that your brothers never got to know about your dad - you can be the one to tell them about that side of him and that will be important to them. <BR/><BR/>And for the record, these few posts don't come close to making this a death blog. Death is natural and part of all of our experiences.k8https://www.blogger.com/profile/07547334819703279971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-62213438774693274672009-01-12T15:17:00.000-05:002009-01-12T15:17:00.000-05:00Dear Crazy,Thanks for sharing all of this. It's a ...Dear Crazy,<BR/><BR/>Thanks for sharing all of this. It's a beautiful post, bullets and all. I'm really sorry about what you're going through and just want to say that my thoughts are with you.... And bringing food sounds like a generous (yet self-preserving!) idea.heu mihihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08529298049179816825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-22131169457649040922009-01-12T13:43:00.000-05:002009-01-12T13:43:00.000-05:00I had a similar experience when my dad died - hang...I had a similar experience when my dad died - hang in there. You sound like you are really thinking this through and taking care of yourself and doing what you can to cope, all good things.grumpyABDadjuncthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00996252815514179671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-14670675923020700982009-01-12T12:38:00.000-05:002009-01-12T12:38:00.000-05:00This is a really moving post, Crazy. I'm so sorry...This is a really moving post, Crazy. I'm so sorry that your father is dying and leaving you behind and his wife and young boys. I'm sure your stepmother and your dad were very happy you visited, because it sounds like they recognize that things haven't been perfect but you did what made your dad happy anyway. You aren't an A-hole, you're a grownup with a real grasp of the complexities of life. <BR/><BR/>Historiann.com<BR/><BR/>I too think that the gift of food would be very generous and appreciated. Your poor stepmother probably doesn't have much time to cook, what with 2 boys to look after and a dying husband and all. A frozen lasagne, a big pot of soup, a proper pot roast or beef burgundy would all freeze brilliantly.Historiannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10615954696251174822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-32440181772824295362009-01-12T12:02:00.000-05:002009-01-12T12:02:00.000-05:00It's interesting to see people respond differently...It's interesting to see people respond differently to death and dying. <BR/><BR/> My grandmother (mom's mom)passed away four years ago over the course of about 3 weeks and the process was very life affirming. People were willing to talk about what was going on, came to stay, said what they need to to each other and it was okay. In the end we celebrated the way she had lived her life and cryed and laughed and it was good. <BR/><BR/> My grandpa (dad's dad) passed away about a year ago. He had been actively dying for 3.6 years. No one talked about it, but it was all about death all the time. Everyone was very sober at the funeral. And it was as if this life had just evaporated and left nothing behind.<BR/><BR/> Hospice has some good materials about what happens when someone dies (both typical stuff physiologically and typical emotional states, etc). It might be worth checking out. In some ways, everyone is different when they experience this stuff and yet everyone is really the same.hypatiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12652466638464405055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-70242307946593257022009-01-12T09:20:00.000-05:002009-01-12T09:20:00.000-05:00Dear Dr., I went through this, as you know, w/my f...Dear Dr., I went through this, as you know, w/my father-in-law years ago and it's weird and awkward and heartbreaking. <BR/><BR/>It sounds like you did great.<BR/><BR/>Food is a GREAT gift. A gift of life. It can help remind everyone that life is to be lived and is for the living: lovely for your dad and for all the others who are in that house with him.<BR/><BR/>I don't think there is that much to talk about.<BR/><BR/>You dad loves you. You intimidate him. Your presence is a great, great, great gift and he just wants to bask in it. Whatever may be all right, he may feel any number of things like regret, but he also knows all too clearly that his time is limited. He wants to spend some of that with you. That's very sweet even if it's a pain in the butt and cuts into your life in all kinds of ways. He doesn't have anything to say and you don't need to say anything.<BR/><BR/>Don't go unless you can go w/o resentment. It's fine not to go.<BR/><BR/>All of which brings me back to the food: it gives you something to chitchat about--dad, can't I just get you to try a spoonful of this or that? Sorry, dad, let me just pop out of the room to get the pepper (or the Catalina dressing--OMG!). Etc.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03281027116636227323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-3399788484439984942009-01-12T08:55:00.000-05:002009-01-12T08:55:00.000-05:00I think it's a great idea to take some good food; ...I think it's a great idea to take some good food; it will help your step-mother, at the very least, and it sounds like she needs some help.<BR/><BR/>And can I say, it sounds like you did really well on your visit. Good on you.Bardiachttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11846065504793800266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20099192.post-38126960187327470252009-01-12T07:12:00.000-05:002009-01-12T07:12:00.000-05:00I've been following your journey with your dad - b...I've been following your journey with your dad - because though it hasn't happened yet, but I'm fairly certain that when his time comes to move on from this world my experience will be extremely similar to yours. <BR/><BR/>I don't have much constructive to say except that I appreciate your honesty about the situation, because it allows me to think about how this will be for me in the future. So a very selfish thanks and I hope you'll keep writing. <BR/><BR/>And I send good juju your way for you and your family.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02301893849950404073noreply@blogger.com